01x24 - And Baby Makes Three

[bunniefuu]

Yeah!
Whoo!

Yee-ha!
Yeow!

Yay!
Whoo!
Yiee!

It's just amazing
how a man like you

Can take my heart

And break it
right in two

One day I'm happy

Then the next
I'm blue

Never met a man
like you

They say that love

Is just
a simple game...

Mmm.

Alright.
What's going on with you?

Ever since
we got back from Reno

you and Miss Dixie been acting
particularly romantic.

Oh, I'm
sorry, Bowler

but I got nothing
exciting to report.

But if I do,
believe me

you'll be the first
one to know...

right after Comet.

What are you going to say
different than before

What are we
going to do

When ol' lightning
strikes

Then lickety-split
quick as a nit

You'll walk
out that door

It's just amazing
how a man like you...

Waitresses--never there
when you need them

always underfoot
when you don't.

Pete Hutter?
Pete Hutter?

One day I'm happy

Then the next
I'm blue

I never met a man
like you

Pete.

Nice song, Dix.
Sorry to interrupt.

Could you do
an old pal a favor?

Hang on to this
till I get back.

Hold it
right there, Pete.

Thanks.

Have a nice day.

Where'd he go?

Wait.

[FOOTSTEPS
RUNNING]

There.

What's your hurry, Pete?

Brisco.

Bowler.

Boy, am I glad
to see you two.

Is that right?

I was wondering

how much would
it cost right now

to retain
your protection services?

Come again?

Oh, my God!

They're here.

Who's here?

PETE:
Help! Ahh!

No!

Brisco!

Brisco, Bowler,
what happened?

I'm not sure.

Well, where's Pete?

That's a good question.

Uh, he got away...

sort of.

Well, what am I
supposed to do
with this?

With what?

This.

[BABY COOING]

[THEME MUSIC]

Brisco,
what are we
going to do?

Well, let's just see
if the sergeant comes up
with something first.

I got a funny feeling
about all of this, Brisco.

Brisco.

Bowler. Dix.

Boy, am I glad
to see you guys.

Whip Morgan. My, my,
What a surprise.

Kid, seeing you
behind bars

is getting to be
a bad habit.

You know something,
Bowler?

I missed you.

[KISS]

[GURGLE]

Hey, a baby.

Yoo-hoo.

Hey, little one.
Hey.

Where'd
you get him, Dix?

It's a long story.

Sorry, folks.

Nobody's reported anything

about a stolen
or A missing Chinese baby.

The baby's all yours.

At least until
the child welfare office

opens up on Monday morning.

Oh, wait. Now,
wait a minute.

You don't expect us
to keep him?

You can't leave him here.

Oh, wait a minute.

Before you suggest

what I think you're
going to suggest

let me suggest
you're crazy.

Oh, come on, Dix.
It's a cute little baby.

You'd be a natural.

Oh, don't try to
sweet-talk me, Brisco.

I'm not in the mood.

Bail me out.
I love kids.

I know how to diaper
'em, and bottle 'em,
and feed 'em.

Ha ha! What's his bail?

bucks.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Hey, Sarge.

Hmm?

You play poker?

I'm sorry.

It was
beginner's luck.

Please, take back your watch

and your badge--
you're gonna
need that--

and the cards. Okay?

Wait. Sorry.
You need that too.

Thanks. See ya.

Stay away.

,...

,...

,...

Soon, Mr. Hutter

the world as you know it
will fade away.

All that will remain
is the water

dripping, dripping

constantly, endlessly

boring into your brain

until your mind begins
to drift and float

like a dry leaf
in the gutter.

,.

Mr. Hutter

do you know
why you're here?

You lost a baby
in China.

You hired me

to find the woman
who brought him here

kidnap him

bring him back to you.

For services rendered

you're supposed
to give me $,.

That's absolutely correct

but that's not
what happened.

Now, why is that,
Mr. Hutter?

To tell you the truth,
Mr. Chan

when I got
to the rendezvous point

I got the feeling
you were going
to k*ll me.

I didn't think
you were

going to give me
the , either.

Look, I'll stop the water

give you your freedom
and the money.

Just tell me
where the baby is.

Would you care
to put that in writin'?

Oh! Aah.

Alright. The baby's
with Dixie Cousins.

She's a chanteuse
at the Horseshoe Club.

Wait a minute.

You said you'd
turn off the water.

You said you'd
let me go free.

I lied.

,--

...

...

Here we go.

Ain't he cute?

Look, I want
no part of this.

I believe in parenthood
as an institution

but I'm not ready
to be institutionalized.

All we have to do
is get him settled.

Then we can see Li Pao.

Who's Li Pao?

He's an old friend
of my father.

Knows everything that
goes on in Chinatown

which means he might know
what's going on here.

Hey, what do you
think we should
call him?

BOWLER:
Oh, don't ask me.

How about Jesse?

That's a good
cowboy name.

You like that,
Jesse?

Good.

Then Jesse it is.

How come you know
so much about kids?

I don't really,
but I like 'em.

Hey, you made
a babysitting deal.

You was lyin'?

No. I--

I just stretched
the truth a little bit.

But I'll do
my best.

I saw that look
in your eye earlier.

You know something that
you ain't telling me.

When I was a boy,
my father had a run-in

with a group
of Chinese warriors,
that's all.

That is not all.

It is until I talk
to Li Pao.

Yeah, well,
good night all.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

What makes you think
you're out of this?

Yeah, right

we all in this
together.

Hey.

He's a cute little fella,
ain't he?

Yeah.

Yeah.

[CRYING AND TINKLING]

You little...

Aw, Bowler.

Look what
you made him do.

[BABY CRYING]

Can't you just
sing to him, Dix?

My repertoire doesn't
include lullabies.

All he needs
is a little night air.

Where'd you get
the baby carriage,
Miss Dixie?

Backstage.

It was left over
from a mother-daughter act.

They went south.
Their props stayed north.

Yeah, well, it ain't working.
He's still hollering.

Why didn't I think
of this before? Ha!

[WHISTLES]
Hey, Comet.

Is he on call
like this,
hours a day?

[WHINNY]

Forget it, Comet.
It's not worth
explaining.

You got a bright idea?

I take Jesse for a ride
on Comet here until he
falls asleep.

You may have
something there.

Huh? Aah!

They're back!

Uhh!

Come on, Palmer.

Alright, now,
who are you

and what
do you want?

You are dead.
Chan will hunt you down.

Brisco, the baby!

[BABY CRYING]

Brisco!

Brisco!
Dixie!

Brisco!

Aah!

Well, it looks
like he's okay.

We lost 'em,
Brisco.

They vanished.

One of them left
his calling card.

You recognize that,
don't you?

Yeah. It's Black Lotus.

Just what
is Black Lotus?

It's a Chinese g*ng.

They're known as
the shadow warriors

for their style
of fighting.

Well, why do they
want Jesse?

I don't know.

Well, somethin'
tells me

we better get
this baby out
of here

before
they come back.

Brisco.

Brisco,
what's the matter?

Why is this
getting to you
like this?

Because the Black Lotus
k*lled my mother.

What?

That was a long time ago.

They were after
my father

so they rigged
our wagon to crash.

My dad and I survived

but, uh...
my mother didn't.

How come
you never told us?

It wasn't important...

until now.

The first thing
we got to do

is get Jesse
someplace safe.

Where?

Bowler's.

Whip, you and Dixie
take him there.

Watch the windows
and lock the doors.

Bowler and I
can find Li Pao.

But why my house?

I just had my sofas
reupholstered.

Oh, alright.

Ha ha ha!

My fine feathered friends.

Coco.

Hey, Chichi.
You've had enough.

Here, Coco.

Ah, Brisco County Jr.
And Lord Bowler.

Here. Have a cookie.

They're stale

but the fortunes
are still fresh.

Do not be dismayed
so quickly.

Let me teach you
an old Chinese trick.

Add the words
"between the sheets"

to your fortune.

It enhances it
greatly.

"Things are looking up."

Heh heh heh heh!

Ha ha ha!

You are not amused,
Brisco.

What is it
that troubles you

on this glorious day?

This.

Where did you get this?

Some Black Lotus tried
to take my head off with it.

Chan.

He is back.

Who is Chan?

He is
their current master

and my former protégé.

Wait a minute.
You were
Black Lotus?

Many years ago

I was the living master
of shadow skills.

Back then

the Black Lotus
was a force of good...

but I taught Chan
too well.

He used his power
to overthrow me

and twist
the Black Lotus

to the dark side.

So, what happened?
You quit?

I tried

but they would not
let me out.

Thanks
to Brisco Sr.

I succeeded
in getting free

and Chan was forced
to return to China.

That was
the great favor

that your father
did for me

which cost him
dearly and you, too.

I'm sorry.

But what is Chan
doing here now?

They're after a baby.

A Chinese baby.

That is bad.

That is very bad.

How bad?

Rumor has it that
the Black Lotus

has infiltrated
the palace guard.

The royal nurse
took the baby
and fled.

I heard recently

that she ended up
as an indentured servant

at Sutter Creek.

You mean this baby is
some kind of king
or somethin'?

Not king, Lord Bowler.

Emperor and heir
to all of China.

We must find him
before Chan does.

[TALKING BABY TALK]
Hmm, you're so cute.

Yeah.

Excuse me, madam.

Dixie, thank God
you're here.

Mr. Socrates Poole

and a gentleman
to see you, madam.

This is Dr. James Wong,
the baby's father.

Dr. Wong's
a prominent member

of the Chinese
community.

He came to me through
very highly placed sources
in the government.

I can vouch for him.

I don't suppose you have
a birth certificate

or something like that
to prove that this is his son?

For God's sakes, Dixie.
The man's child
was kidnapped.

Not according
to the police.

Dixie.

No, no. Please.

I understand and appreciate
their reticence

to hand over my son
to a complete stranger.

There is a small tattoo
above his right ankle

a golden dragon.

Will that do?

A family tradition

dating back to the years
of the Ming Dynasty.

Are you satisfied now?

I'm sorry.
I apologize.

Ah, no need.

May I hold my son now?

[STARTS TO CRY]

Oh, he must be wet.

I'll just change his diaper.

I'll be right back.

[BABY CRYING]

Whip, I need your help

now.

Shouldn't take
but a minute.

Come on.

What?

That man is lying
through his teeth.

How do you know?

Well, if I had
any maternal instinct

I'd call it
maternal instinct.

-I'm taking Jesse out of here.
-Wait, wait a minute.

Well, are you
coming or not?

SOCRATES, KNOCKING:
Dixie?

Dixie, is
everything okay?

Hurry.

SOCRATES: Dixie?

Take Jesse.

Reginald.

Milord.

Um, Miss Cousins
and Mr. Morgan

seem to have disappeared
with the baby, milord.

I regret,
you just missed them.

Who's been eating
my pistachio nuts?

I'm afraid that--ahem

Mr. Morgan is the guilty
connoisseur, sir.

Bowler, forget about
the pistachios.

Reginald,
where'd they go?

Mr. Poole arrived
a little while ago, sir

with a Chinese gentleman.

It must be Chan.

And they fled by way
of the window, milord.

Chan. Well, we
got to find 'em.

We can track 'em.

Track 'em? What,
across city streets?

How do you expect
to do that?

This is how.

And where'd you
get the idea of coming
to the Chinese embassy?

I read about
a place like this
in a dime novel.

The story
took place in Cairo

or Istanbul or Tustin.
I don't know.

Anyway, there was
this American spy

and he's being chased
by the bad guys,

and the minute
he runs into the
American embassy

he's safe.

They can't touch him.

Why not?

Because the--

the embassy
is like a piece
of American soil

only it's in Egypt
or wherever.

So what you're saying

is Jesse will
be safe here.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Sorry to keep you
waiting.

You getting ready
to have a party?

Yes. A diplomatic soiree

to welcome
the new ambassador.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I'll inform him
you're here.

Brisco, Bowler,
how'd you find us?

I followed
my pistachios.

Give 'em back.

Here.

Stay away
from my nuts.

The ambassador
will see you now.

Your g*ns, gentlemen.
Please.

For security reasons.

Mm-mm.

Chan.

Hyah-ahh!
Hyah!

Wyah!

Wah-aah!

Li Pao?

What a unexpected surprise.

The baby, Li Pao

and you--
Brisco County Jr.

We meet again.

What do you mean again?

You don't remember
that day?

Your mother was so beautiful
in her bonnet

on the wagon seat
next to your father.

Brisco!

It was I who
caused the accident

that k*lled
your mother, Brisco.

I've been working
on the railroad

All the livelong day

At least we got him
to stop singing

Bottles of Beer
on the Wall.

Old Chinese
water t*rture.

Good choice
for destroying
the brain.

Bad choice
for a drought state.

Hey, I don't mean
to sound ungrateful,
Brisco.

But the next time
you find me in jail

leave me there, okay?

I cannot answer question
until you ask it.

Alright.

How come
you never told me

Chan was the one
responsible for
my mother's death?

I suspected it,
but I did not know--

Then you should've
told me anyway.

Some knives
cut too close
to the bone.

If you are
to defeat Chan

you must
put the past aside.

I can't forget
what he did, Li Pao.

Someone's in the
kitchen I know

Oh, oh, oh

We got to come up
with a plan fast

or Pete's singing
is gonna drive me crazy!

Dinah

Hey, Whip, give me
one of your boots.

How?

Kick it up to me.

There you go.

Fee fi fiddley-yi oh

Wait! Wait a minute, now!
I just bought them!

Good. That way
it'll be nice and sharp.

Fiddley-yi oh

Strummin' on the ol' banjo

So powerful

yet so fragile.

Please, give him back to me.

You needn't worry,
Miss Cousins.

This child's worth to me
a lot more alive than dead

at least for now.

What are you
gonna do with him?

In two days, a boat
will leave for China

and we will be on it.

With the heir
to the throne
in my possession

I will gain
the ultimate power
I've been seeking.

China will have
a puppet king

and I will be
the puppet master.

Way to go, Brisco.

Now's not the time
to confront Chan

not in his own
back yard.

We must rescue
the emperor first.

Alright.

Bowler, try and find a way out.

If I'm not back in minutes

with Dixie and that baby,
go ahead.

I'll catch up with you.

People, people, can I have
your attention, please?

Work with me.

Hi, I'm Todd the caterer.

We've got
some hungry guests
waiting to be fed.

Michael, shrimp remoulade
with parsley garnish.

Andrew, fresh rumaki
with mushroom stuffing.

And Robert...

stuffed mushrooms
a la Todd.

Hey, wait a minute.
You're not Robert.

Well, Robert couldn't
make it today

so he sent me instead.

You don't look like
a waiter.

Uh-huh. What does
a waiter look like?

I mean, I've seen
your face before--

that prominent jaw,
the five o'clock shadow.

I remember, you're that
bounty hunter, Brisco--
Brisco Village.

That's Brisco County.

Sorry about that, Todd.

My mushrooms
were getting cold.

Pardon me.

Get lost,
will you, pal?

Mushrooms a la Todd.

Care for one?

Thank you.

So, are you a regular
at these embassy events?

As a matter of fact,
I am. Why?

Oh...just curious.

Ha ha ha!

You seen the ambassador around?

He hasn't made
his appearance yet.

You know...

you don't look like a waiter.

So I've been told.

Here.

What? Uh!

Is that you,
Uncle Bob?

I ain't your Uncle Bob.

I promise,
Uncle Bob.

I won't go anywhere near
those sheep anymore.

Snap out of it,
Hutter.

Aunt Shirley?

Is that you?

Do I look like your
Aunt Shirley?

Perhaps it is kinder
to simply let him drift.

Nah, we can't
leave him behind.

Even Pete don't deserve
to die like this.

Besides, there's
a $, bounty
on his head.

Does anybody have any idea
how we will not die in here?

Eyes do not
necessarily see
what there is to see.

Quit talking in code, pal.
Just spit it out.

Use that big,
identifiable nose
of yours

and take
a deep whiff.

Phew!

That's not
the Chinese cabbage
I had for lunch.

That is the sewage gas
coming from that grating.

No. You mean go out
through the sewer?

Uh-uh. No.

As it is in life

our path is not always
a pleasant one

but it is our path
nonetheless.

Huh?

Hush little baby
don't say a word

Mama's gonna buy you
a mockingbird

Brisco!

I thought you said
you didn't know
any lullabies.

I guess I lied.

I like the look.

Maybe I can get you
a job parking horses.

I'll keep that in mind.

What are you doing
with the sheets?

Oh, I was gonna make a rope,
and lower it out the window

and take Jesse
out of here.

Forget the sheets, Dix.

I'll get you
out of here.

I just love it
when you rescue me.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Upsy-daisy.

Excuse us, pardon us,
coming through.

Excuse us.

Excuse us. Pardon us.
Coming through.

Lady with a baby.
Excuse us.

Excuse us. Pardon us.

Coming through.
Thank you very much.

Coming through.
Excuse us.

Ah, lady with a baby.
Excuse us.

Excuse us.

Excuse us.
Do not freeze.

Excuse us.

Excuse us, pardon us.

Excuse us, pardon us.
Thank you.

Excuse. Excuse, please.

I hope Bowler
found a way out.

Where is everyone else?

Right down here.

Okay. The coast is clear.

Let's go.

Brisco, Dix, help.

Okay.
there we go.

The itsy-bitsy spider

Crawled up
the water spout

Down came the rain and
washed the spider out

Here, Whip, take Jesse.

Remind me not
to do this again.

Whoa!

Oh, hey Whip!
Give us a hand!

Hold him,
take him, take him.

Itsy-bitsy spider

Crawled up
the water...

Hello, little one.

I remember you.

Guess you shouldn't have had
that extra slice of pie

at dinner last night.

Maybe you're
just getting weak
in your old age.

Whip, where's Jesse?

I gave him to...

I'll take this pachyderm.

Pete!

[BABY CRYING]

Hold it.

Pete got off his horse
right here

and walked over there.

He pulled up some brush...

and walked over there

and he threw it down
right here.

He covered up
the road sign?

Yeah, but he kept
his ego in place.

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Frightened rabbit
goes to safety
of thistle bush

when hunted.

Is that an ancient
Chinese proverb?

No. I just made it up.

Not bad, huh?

Well, Pete's here,
alright.

Used to be good town

till Black Lotus
made it bad.

How so?

They bring Chinese people
here to work

people who want
better life

only that journey
has cost them
their freedom.

And they have all
become slaves of Black Lotus.

Good morning,
boys and girl.

Now, is that any way
to say hello to somebody

who's got
something you want?

sh**t me, and
little bundle of joy
is a missing persona.

Hello, Dix--

xie.

Where's the baby, Pete?

Now, some would
consider that a vile act.

Personally...

I find it
a comforting reminder

of my dearly
departed mother.

Just answer the
lady's question, Pete.

First things first.

Read it...

and weep.

"I, Pete Hutter

"will turn over
the baby

"Kuang Su Wei

"in exchange
for one...

grunt of immunity?"

That's "grant."

"One grant of immunity..

"for all crimes
I have committed...

past, present,
and future."

You haven't got
to the good part yet.

Read on.

Ahem.

"Furthermore,
I demand...

$ million."

No checks or money orders,
please.

"Plus the return
of my piece

"my g*n known as...

"Pete's Piece

and an air screw."

See the attached
illustration.

A flying apparatus
designed by the famous
renaissance artist

Leonardo Da Vinci

that'll take me
to far better places.

-sh**t him, Brisco.
-Oh, allow me.

I can collect
that bounty on you
dead or alive.

Remember the baby.

So help me, Pete, if one
hair's out of place
on that baby--

The hair is fine
and will be for
the next hours

at which time,
I would like
my demands to be met.

Telegraph office
is right over there.

Give us a moment,
will you, Pete?

Now, our only chance
is to find out where
Pete hid that baby.

Best place to
look for needle
not in haystack

but with
other needles.

The Chinese Camp.

If Jesse's there,
I'll find him.

Alright, Pete.

You got yourself a deal.

Whip, you and Li Pao
wire Socrates Poole.

Give him all
of these demands.

Now, why am I so skeptical
about your intentions
here, Brisco?

Couldn't be based on our
sordid, lopsided history,
together, now could it?

Now, Pete, what
can I do? You hold
all the cards.

Maybe you ought
to go with them.

Make sure they spell
Da Vinci right.

How you gonna know
which baby is which?

Oh, I'll know.

Looks like
Jesse stirred up

somebody's maternal
instincts after all.

Yeah, well, I won't tell
if you won't.

Jesse!

Jesse!

[BABY CRYING]

There! I hear him.

[BABY CRYING]

Jesse!

Yeah, so you found a baby.

How you know
that's the right one?

It's the right baby...

but it didn't take
the tattoo to convince me.

We gotta get that baby
back to San Francisco

and into the right hands
as soon as you can.

What are you gonna do?

I've got some
unfinished business
I need to take care of.

Brisco, you're not going up
against that Lotus g*ng
on your own.

No, there's only one
Lotus I'm interested in.

Pass the papoose

or you'll be spending a little
quality time with the reaper.

No way, Pete.

Then, in the immortal words
of Crazy Horse--

Ho-ka-hey.

It's a good day to die.

You're damn right it is.

[THWACK]

I hate being prophetic.

I'll take the child.

I think you've
taken enough, Chan.

Now It's time for us
to do some taking.

Surely, my old friend and
teacher Li Pao told you
g*ns mean nothing

to a master
of the shadow arts.

Even if you're surrounded?

Get those hands high.

We're going
to the Crowbar Motel.

Whip,
stay where you are!

Now the baby!

LI PAO: No!

The baby will be
returned to China

and the emperor.

Old man,
get out of my way!

I'm not as old and weak
as you think I am!

[CHINESE YELL]

Dix, get out
of here.

I want Chan.

When it is time, Brisco.

[SCREAMING]

Brisco!

My patience
has worn thin!

So has mine, Chan.

You're not serious.

You truly believe
you can win a battle
against me?

I've been waiting
for this one
my whole life.

I'm sure you have.

DIXIE: Brisco,
don't do this.

Does the image
of your mother's face

comfort you,
Mr. County?

Just make your move,
Chan.

Is she smiling...

or cold, lying
in a wooden box, huh?

I said make your move.

Brisco.

You know, you ought
to show your teacher
some respect.

I only respect power,
County.

Well, that's too bad.

Because power
in the wrong hands
can be very destructive.

You know, Dix

I think it's time we get this
baby back in his mother's arms.

So, Whip, you going
to stick around
for a while?

This adventure
taught me

I'm not much
of a city guy.

Was thinking of heading
down to Arizona.

They got this
painted desert
I want to see.

Alright.

Ride safely.

I will.

Sayonara.

Uh, that's Japanese.

Chinese...

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Hi, Soc.

Dixie? Baby?

Hey, Poole, they gonna
pay us for getting that
baby back?

Bite your tongue.

The details are yet
to be worked out, Bowler.

However, the royal emperor

has extended an invitation
to you, Dixie

to escort the young
emperor-in-waiting home.

Me? Why?

Well, Apparently,
word has spread

of the golden angel
who saved him.

Golden angel, huh?

The President has
personally asked me

to encourage you
to take up the offer

in the interest of good will
between our two countries.

When would I have to go?

Right now.

Maybe we ought to
give them a minute.

So, what do you think?

Well, your President calls.

So do you, Brisco.

Aw, Dix, I can't ask you
to stay for me.

It's alright
with me if...

if you do.

Well, what if you
start wondering
what you missed?

We've got a lot, Brisco.

That won't ever go away.

Then I'll see you
when you get back?

Darn right you will.

DRIVER: Alright.
Get along now.

[NEIGHS]

Yeah, Comet.

Me, too.

[THEME MUSIC]