BIG PETE:
The news wasn't sent
across the wire.
No world leader
had to use the hot line.
But the fact is, Wellsville
was on the verge of a crisis
that threatened to wipe out
the legend of a superhero.
It all started when Artie,
the strongest man in the world,
was tricked into leaving town,
leaving behind
his all-time best friend.
...give you a chance
to start over...
Artie!
They were both
betrayed by this man.
A man we call Dad.
Pete didn't have the heart
to tell you himself,
that's why he asked me to do it.
He wants you to go.
Oh, Don.
Hold me. Hold me, Don.
Dad, a simple man
in a complicated situation.
Easy prey for the International
Adult Conspiracy
and a super-villain
known as John McFlemp--
a master salesman
of aluminum siding,
who sold Dad on the idea
that Artie
was a bad influence on Pete.
Meanwhile, another
super-villain was on the loose:
Paper Cut,
a seventh-grade samurai
who vowed revenge
after being faced by Pete.
You have no idea
what you have just done!
And once Artie
was out of the picture,
our world crisis
officially began.
? Hey, smilin' strange ?
? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?
? Can you settle to sh**t me ?
? Or have you
picked your target yet? ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?
Don't try crying
for your superhero,
fungus lick.
He's as gone as yesterday.
Chew foil, Paper Cut!
Let's cut
to the chase,
dinner mint.
You owe me a rock, paper,
scissors rematch.
We can play
from now until doomsday,
but I'll still
throw scissors!
I wonder if Mr. Swan will help
you change your mind.
No?
How 'bout Mr. Shark?
( dramatic music plays )
Taste the tap, you sicko!
( yelling )
Sharky.
Very clever,
but you know I'll be back.
And next time,
I'll be laminated.
Yeah? Well, Artie
will be back, too,
you toner breath.
Come on.
BIG PETE:
But would Artie be back?
Pete didn't want to panic yet.
First,
he had to get some answers.
All I know is that
he wanted me
to drop him off
at the county line.
What?
Well, I'm as
surprised as you, son.
You know, he told me...
Well, he told me he wanted
to get on with his life,
you know, settle down...
You're lying!
Maybe he just wants
to spend time with,
you know, people his own age.
I don't know what's going on
here, but I'm gonna find him!
BIG PETE:
The search began
with an all-points bulletin
on WART Radio.
Attention, attention.
He was last seen wearing
flammable pajamas
and an ankle bracelet
with the name "Hacksaw" on it.
BIG PETE:
Ellen and I raised money
for the mutant hunt
by selling Artie merchandise,
while Mom released
Artie's favorite smell,
tire air, to lure him back.
If that didn't work, Pete was
banking on the Artie light.
Hang on, Artie.
I'll find you.
Meanwhile, Dad tried to be
the strongest dad in the world,
hoping he could be
his son's new superhero.
( grunting )
I guess I won't be needing
that wheelbarrow anymore, huh?
( grunts )
McFLEMP:
Solid.
Never needs painting.
Will last...
BIG PETE:
But it wasn't long
before adults realized
that even though
Artie was gone,
his spirit
was stronger than ever.
What is this, son?
It's an Artie action land canoe.
Not even a dent.
( chuckles )
It's got
a 200-mile radius.
If he's out there, he'll see it.
( electrical buzzing )
Come home, Artie.
ARTIE:
? The cabin boy, the cabin boy ?
Mr. Bug.
Hello, Mr. Buggy.
Do you know that song?
Don, we got a problem.
His powers are stronger
than I thought.
The kids love him.
McFLEMP:
Not for long.
What are
you gonna do?
Don't worry.
Just take care of the light,
and I'll do the rest.
20 watt?
My son will be on
to this in a second.
Oh, don't worry.
It'll throw just enough
light to fool him.
Now, tell me where
you left Artie.
I don't feel right about this.
No pressure, Don.
I mean, winning back
your son isn't that
important to you,
then that's okay.
Really.
Well, good night, Mr. Bug.
( electrical humming )
BIG PETE:
McFlemp's diabolical plan
to brainwash Artie
into being an adult
began the next morning.
Hello, Artie!
( grumbles )
Oh, hello,
siding man, poor guy.
How's every little thing?
Pipe.
Pipe! Boy, that's great.
Or should I say, "pipe!"
Look, Artie.
I know we've had our
differences in the past,
but now I'm on your side.
Ooh!
Oh, I know how
hard it is to be
going back and forth
on your future,
trying to switch
horses midstream.
Yes.
That's why I'd like to be your
friend and offer you a job.
It's all right.
Too busy.
Too dang busy.
Occupado.
Oh, no pressure, Artie.
But if you act now, I'll throw
in a free pair of... slacks.
Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!
Of the permanent press
variety?
As permanent
as the stars.
Ooh!
Call me a truck
and slap me till Wednesday.
You're a truck, Artie.
You're a truck.
Well, what do you know?
Hey, kids, uh, your old
pal Artie's on TV.
BIG PETE:
The adultification of Artie
had begun,
and it wasn't pretty.
How strong is our new
Krebstar Super Siding?
Its twin-polymer coating
stands up to hail,
heat and even a full-grown
man, running into it
repeatedly
at full speed.
( grunts )
Strong... as Kansas.
There you have it.
Artie...
what are you doing?
BIG PETE:
It was as if Artie had run over
Pete's heart with a back ho.
He had sold out to the enemy.
Mm...
You, too, will enjoy the feeling
of the pleasure ridges.
( shuts off TV )
I'm sorry, Pete.
Out there
in the real world,
a man's got
to make a living, son.
BIG PETE:
It was a victory
for adults everywhere.
As well as one scab-encrusted
kid-- Paper Cut.
He knew that
with Artie gone for good,
Pete was as good as gone.
Ashes to ashes, pulp to pulp.
( switch clicks )
BIG PETE:
He was once a superhero
who fought for kids everywhere.
( whistling ) Ho!
But after being
brainwashed and broken
by super-villain McFlemp,
the only thing Artie
fought for now was a sale.
( doorbell ringing )
Morning, Ma'am.
I'm here to talk to you about
the miracle of aluminum siding.
With Artie out
of the picture,
the International
Adult Conspiracy
began their crackdown.
Ah, Wellsville.
We are finally free.
No pressure, son.
I think he knows what to do.
BIG PETE:
McFlemp was in charge now.
And he wouldn't stop
until the memory of Artie
went up in flames.
McFLEMP:
Let us purge the neighborhood
of the poison that was Artie.
( dramatic music crescendos )
( piano plays wistful melody )
BIG PETE:
It seemed unreal.
Wasn't this where Artie
jumps in and saves the day?
Where was he?
( whistling )
Ah, pink on the inside,
crisp-a-rooney on the outside.
Just the way
we like 'em... in America.
BIG PETE:
It was a friendship
that was supposed
to last forever, but the Artie
that Pete once knew
no longer existed.
Now the only thing left to say
was good-bye.
PAPER CUT:
Well,
well, well.
Like pages on a pad,
we always wind up together.
Why don't you
just lay off,
Paper Cut?
Isn't that cute?
Now the girls
are fighting
your battles.
What do you want, you
fiber-licking blowhole?
A rematch!
Rock, paper, scissors.
And this time, you are gonna
lose.
No.
Not now.
Friday.
I want the whole school
to watch you lose.
You're gonna
throw rock, right?
He's just
a stupid mutant.
Who cares
if he wins?
Yeah, take
a dive.
Don't get cut.
( sighs )
Hey, Pete.
You gonna show
that Paper Cut kid
a thing or two?
Yeah, my wrist when I lose.
What?
You're gonna give in?
Hey, that doesn't sound
like the Pete
Wrigley I know.
That's 'cause I'm not.
Hey, son, you want me
to show you some jujitsu,
you know, I picked up
in the Army?
No, Dad.
Well, I-I know
you miss Artie, but
I can be your superhero.
BIG PETE:
Dad knew if Pete took a dive
the next day,
he'd be sunk forever.
MOM:
Are you happy?
You got the son
you always wanted.
I just wanted us to get closer.
I-I didn't think
it would come
to this.
McFLEMP ( echoing ):
2200 hours.
Lights out.
BIG PETE:
Maybe Dad couldn't be
Pete's superhero,
but if he got lucky,
he could find someone who was.
MOM:
Remember, if
all else fails,
he loves the
smell of tire air.
And armpit sounds.
( squeaking )
He says it reminds him
of his mother.
Check.
Morning, Don.
Finally hauling that thing
to the dump?
No, McFlemp.
I'm gonna bring Artie back.
Oh, Wrigley.
What? You're talking crazy.
Get out of the way, John.
( engine starting )
Oh, no pressure.
You'll never find him.
I'll find him,
all right.
( echoing ):
Artie!
( distant laughter )
ARTIE ( laughs ):
Oh!
Randy, McKeefa,
please, come in.
Kunga gruba,
as they say in the...
Hey, everybody,
it's the Kleinmarkers.
( squeaking )
BIG PETE:
Dad tried through the night
to call Artie,
but it was useless.
All Dad could do was
watch the light fade out,
the dawn fade up, and his hopes
of saving Pete's spirit
disappear forever.
If all else fails...
( hissing )
Good morning, world!
T.G.I.F., huh?
( laughs )
Thank God it's...
Friday.
( sighs )
Oh.
( laughs ):
Little insect problem,
do we have?
Pewsis!
( sniffs )
( hissing )
BIG PETE:
Dad did the best he could,
but the smell of tire air
couldn't hide the stench
of defeat.
( sighs ):
I'm sorry, son.
( sighs )
Huh. That's repulsive.
Artie.
Artie!
Yet strangely compelling.
Artie, it's me, Don.
Don't you remember?
Hey, buddy, buddy.
There's no returns on siding,
unless it's already
on the house.
Oh.
You're not a salesman.
No...
you're Artie,
( imitating Artie )
the strongest man...
in the world.
What...?
Pipe.
Oh, where's Pete
when I need him?
Pete?
Pete?
Don't you
remember Pete?
He's in trouble,
and he needs you.
Pete.
My little Viking.
Trouble?
( laughs )
Ha!
Indeed, vazoom!
I'm quite large
again, Pappy.
Onward.
Ah!
BIG PETE:
Doomsday morning.
We all turned out
to see Pete off
into oblivion.
Throw rock, Pete.
You can do it.
Yeah, we'll still be
your friends.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's get this over with.
PAPER CUT:
Well, well.
Pete Wrigley.
Thanks for coming.
You want me to help?
No.
I've got to do this alone.
( dramatic music plays )
Paper beats rock.
Rock beats scissors.
Scissors b*at
paper.
You lose,
you live.
Say, why don't I spot ya?
I'll throw first.
Let's see.
What shall it be?
Oh.
I know, paper.
BIG PETE:
What is it
that makes a superhero?
Is it muscles of steel?
The ability to see
through brick walls?
To turn yourself
into a human butane torch?
Or is it smaller?
Like with Artie.
A way of looking at the world
and making everything in it
a little bit stranger
and a little bit better.
Suborbital meteor.
What?! You can't throw that.
BIG PETE:
We could all see it.
The power that made
Artie Artie had been
passed along
to my brother Pete.
Meteor melts rock,
crushes scissors,
and burns paper.
You lose, you cheese log.
PAPER CUT:
You!
I warned you what would happen!
MONICA ( whispers ):
Sharp.
Go ahead, Paper Cut.
I'll never cave!
BIG PETE:
And as the power surged
through Pete,
it started to surge
through the other kids, too.
You better have a piece of paper
for me.
I throw volcano-- covers rock,
melts scissors and burns paper.
Monsoon-- mashes paper.
MONICA:
Dune Buggy--
it crushes paper.
No!
No! I'm Paper Cut!
You can't!
ALL:
Yeah!
( all cheering )
( cheering continues )
( Artie laughs )
Artie!
What?
You should have been there.
I crumpled Paper Cut.
It was great!
It was like
you were there with me!
I could feel you there.
Where were you?
What happened to you?
Artie?
What is it?
Well, I...
...had a thing
that I did...
for you and me...
for years...
BIG PETE:
Artie had something
to tell Pete.
It wasn't just the story
of being tricked by Dad,
or hired by McFlemp, or working
for ten percent commission.
It was the story
of a superhero and a kid
who ruled at dodgeball,
waltzed the lunar landscape,
and b*at up the Atlantic Ocean.
Until one day,
the kid finally learned
all there was to learn
from his friend,
and it was time
for the superhero to move on.
It's not the same,
and... you're a
different Viking now.
Yes, I have to go.
No!
Yes.
Everything you need
to learn is in here.
Out there is some
boy who needs me.
He's small.
He... He's puny.
Like you were.
But Artie,
you're my best friend.
I always will be,
my little Viking.
But...
But will I ever see you again?
( laughs )
Worry not, boy.
Worry not.
For I am Artie,
the strongest man...
( grunting )
( dramatic music playing )
...in the world!
Whoo!
( groaning )
I'll leave the light on for ya.
You know, son,
I'm gonna miss
that mutant.
BIG PETE:
Was Artie gone for good?
I guess we couldn't know,
but one thing was for sure.
A part of Artie would always be
with us, watching over us,
like the heroes in our dreams,
like the stars in the sky.
? All the summer days ?
? Where we used to play ?
? Walking hand in hand ?
? Castles in the sand ?
? So you said "good night" ?
? But you meant "good-bye" ?
? Now our love has d*ed ?
? This is why I cry ?
? Cry ?
? From the madding crowd ?
? Pointing up at clouds... ?
02x11 - Farewell, My Little Viking: Part 2
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Centers around two brothers, both named Pete Wrigley, and their humorous and surreal adventures in suburbia among their equally eccentric friends, enemies, and neighbors.
Centers around two brothers, both named Pete Wrigley, and their humorous and surreal adventures in suburbia among their equally eccentric friends, enemies, and neighbors.