02x12 - Yellow Fever

[bunniefuu]

( pig snorting )

BIG PETE:
Ever since there's been school,

there's been field trips.

In my school,
we've been subjected to places

like the Sioux City
Moth Hatchery,

the Triple A Ice Farm

and the International
Creamed Corn Expo.

Field trips are supposed
to be educational,

but one thing
teachers don't get--

the real education takes place
on the way there...

in one of these.

It's more than a school bus.

On long rides,
it becomes a giant incubator

filled with the churning
psyches of 48 kids.

Inside, a kind of chemical
reaction takes place.

People change.

Friends become enemies.

Enemies become friends.

And a class trip
becomes a journey

into the darkest recesses
of your own soul.

? Hey, smilin' strange ?

? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?

? Can you settle to sh**t me ?

? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?

BIG PETE:
Our journey begins
with Mrs. Dracuzi,

who briefed us
on our field trip

to the Glert County
Milk Museum.

Rule number two: no milking.

One rule you must follow
above all others:

No one is to sing

"If You're Happy
And You Know It."

It's disturbing
to bus driver Stuart.

BIG PETE:
It was her usual warning,

but she wasn't telling us
the whole story.

You see, driver Stu Benedict

and driver Sally Knorp...

Sally?

had been in love--

a love as rich and flowing as,
well, their favorite song.

? If you're happy and you know
it, stamp your feet ?

? If you're happy and you
know it, stamp your feet... ?

BIG PETE:
"If You're Happy
and You Know It."

It was their song until
one heart-splattering day.

? If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands. ?

Sally, you didn't
clap your hands.

I'm not happy, Stu.

You can
stamp your feet.

I can tap my head.

I can click my heels.

I can wiggle my ears.

It's over, Stu.

We have to break up.

We could knock our heads.

BIG PETE:
No one knew what would happen
if Stu heard that song again.

And, to tell you the truth,

no one wanted to.

All right,
everybody
on the bus.

But that wasn't the real story
that day, either.

Someone had given Ellen
a secret love note.

In it, he had promised
to reveal his identity

by sitting next to her
on the trip.

I know it shouldn't
have bothered me.

I mean, Ellen and I
were just friends.

But, for some reason
it chomped on my guts.

Who had sent that note?

It could have been anyone:

Teddy, Bill, Wendell Hyde,

Endless Mike-- my archnemesis--

even Mark Twibb.

Ow!

Thanks to his unusually
flickable ears,

Mark had been steadily
twibbed since second grade.

Once, his right ear went back
and forth a record 79 times.

Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Whoever Ellen's secret admirer
was, I wasn't going

to stand in his way.

At least I thought I wasn't.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

How am I supposed
to find out

who sent me that note?

You can't sit here.

Come on. We
always sit together.

( sighs )

DRACUZI:
Remember to
make a left

onto Route Six.

I'll meet you there.

( PA feedback screeches )

Welcome aboard the Yellow Fever.

I am your captain,
Driver Stu Benedict.

Our traveling time will
be approximately 60 minutes.

We will be cruising at a speed
of 55 miles an hour,

moving swiftly away

from the twisted wreckage
of my shattered life!

Thank you.

( tires squeal )

In school, you see
the same people every day.

Nothing changes.

But on a long bus ride,

people reveal parts
of themselves

no one was meant to see.

Case in point: Wendel Hyde.

Every trip, we saw a new side

of the shyest kid
in the school.

This time, it was his dream

of singing at weddings
and bar mitzvahs.

? You put your left foot in ?

? You put your left foot out ?

? Put... ?
Shut up!

Della Sump
had a different problem.

For some reason, just being

on a bus made her have
to go to the bathroom

more than humanly possible.

Then there was Teddy.

Famous for eating
his entire lunch

in the first five minutes
of every trip,

he developed a new system.

I take small,
precise bites

and, according
to this flow chart,

half a sandwich will
last me till we get there.

So I'll have
the other half for lunch.

BIG PETE:
As for Bill,
whenever he was on a bus,

it was like some practical-joke
hormone kicked in.

This is going
to be great.

But of all the mutations
that took place that day,

mine was the weirdest.

I really
needed that seat.

Oh. For
your lover boy?

Oh, how sweet.

You're jealous.

You wish.

I wish you'd move.

( grunts )

There was no turning back,

for me, or for the others.

Some spent their time twibbing.

Ow!

Others had bigger fish to fry.

( siren wailing )
BILL:
Yes!

Whoo!

No, you don't understand,

I am a bus driver.

Yes! Ha, ha!

I am king!

Whoo!

Great.

If you wanted to be with Bill,

why didn't you just
sit with him?

If you've got a problem,

why don't you
go talk to Stu?

But Stu had his own problems.

Even though
his story checked out,

the cops weren't sure
he was fit to drive.

So they gave him a series

of grueling coordination tests.

( grunts )

Not even close!

Well, then put
a cruller there!

( laughing )

Pete, what's gotten into you?

Next you're gonna want
to flick Mark Twibb.

( grunts )

Go ahead, there's no line.

Yeah, what if I did?

I wouldn't be surprised.

This is your driver Stu,

with an update on our new
onboard regulations.

Passengers will refrain

from k*lling my soul!

Plus, a few other minor changes.

ELLEN:
Just get out.

I asked you really nicely.

I wasn't going
to flick anybody.

And who d*ed and
made you bus sheriff?

Passenger Pete, no arguing.

Back of the bus.

Now!

There was nothing I could do.

Ellen was gonna
get the seat she wanted,

and I was going

to get the seat I deserved.

Carrot head.

I'm so looking forward

to you and me sharing
some quality time together.

I see you're having
a little trouble

with your lady friend, huh?

Hey, how's it going?

Bill?

I guess your pal's
muscling in on your girlfriend.

And finally,

passengers will, um,

chip in for gas.

If you have any
further questions,

please don't hesitate

not to ask them.

And we're off.

We sure were.

Blazing ahead, full throttle,

into the worst trip of my life.

BIG PETE:
The transformation
was complete.

Endless Mike was now my buddy,

and my old buddy,
was now a backstabber.

I just figured
you get bored

with sitting Pete
all the time.

Maybe you're ready
for something new?

Finished.

Finished?

Are you certain?

Couldn't there be
some spot of condensation,

some dew perhaps
floating inside your body?

BIG PETE:
Thanks to Della's bladder,

we were two hours behind
schedule and driving further

into the uncharted territory
of our souls.

This one goes out
to Mark and Sue in the back!

Together for three weeks.

? Happy anniversary to you ?

? Happy anniversary
to you ?

? Happy anniversary... ?

? Yeah! ?

Ladies and gentlemen,
our own Wendell Hyde.

You can catch his act
all next week

( clapping )
in detention.

( chuckling )

Where am I?

"23895"?

"Skinner Pass Hobios"?

I'm lost.

I'm lost.

I'm lost.

I'm lost!

( hydraulic brakes hissing )

Excuse me,

I'm looking for I-87.

Excuse me?

I'm talking to you!

Excuse me,

former extremely unhelpful,
but...

( crow caws )

You're straw.

Want to experience
something wild?

Well, no, that's okay.

Armpit powder, my own blend.

I used a sodium
benzoate base.

Bill, I don't think
this is going to work.

( sniffs ):
It does for me.

No, no, I mean the note.

You and me?

What note?

What note?

What note?

Now that Ellen knew
the truth about Bill,

she could get
her revenge on me.

So, what else you got?

What a cruel,
inconsiderate beast,

moving in
on your girlfriend.

Well, she's a girl,
and she's a friend,

but she's not quite...

He's making
a fool of you.

I'd say you got a bit
of a problem, Pete.

But looky here--

I have the solution.

Hot lather, warmed exactly
to body temperature.

Cannot be felt
by a human being.

And mentholated.

You know what that does
to a popped zit?

Yeah.

Vengeance is mine.

Say it, Pete.

Um...

thank you for your patience.

A little turbulence.

( pitchfork clangs )

Everything's A-okay.

Fine.

PETE:
It finally happened.

My own dark side was bubbling
to the surface,

and you know, it felt great.

( muttering )

Pete?

Ellen.

Bill.

Is that a zit?

Where?

Ah... ( screaming )

( giggles )

( screaming )

( laughing )

( panicked cries )

Petey, welcome to the club.

Let's say we celebrate
with a little bubbly-wubbly.

Shall we?

( laughs )

Oh...
( snickering )

( screaming )

Incoming!

( laughing )

Stu!

( brakes squeal )

I am exceedingly not pleased.

I joined the service
to help people,

to do good for mankind.

If you screw up one more time...

back you go.

( screams ):
Della!

Della!

I can't go with everyone
thinking about me.

Nobody think about Della.

You!

You're thinking about her.

You disgust me.

Way to go, Pete.

Way to trash your friend.

Oh, you mean
"lover boy"?

Bill wasn't...

Bill's great.

You want to know what's
so great about Bill?

He's, uh...

He's...

He knows how to have fun.

Oh, yeah, well,
so does Endless Mike.

I can't even understand

why I've been
hanging out with you.

Well, then don't anymore.

Fine by me.

...35, 36, 37...

Wendell.

Wendell Hyde!

( swinging lounge music plays )

? This is your bar mitzvah,
mister ?

? It's time to sing ?

? Mazeltov,
you're finally on your way ?

? 13 and it's a milestone ?

? You are a man today, hey! ?

? You read the Torah
on your own ?

? Hey, hip-hip hooray ?

? This is your bar mitzvah... ?
We had all reached
the point of no return.

( sputtering )

Nothing could save us now.

I hate myself!

? Now is the time to celebrate ?

? You passed the test,
you made the grade ?

? Whole lotta man, whole lotta
man, oh, what a man ?

? Whoo! ?

Ace, my friend,

you're doing
very, very well.

I mean, you showed
that corn dog creep, huh?

But what about the woman
who betrayed you?

What's her name again?
Ellen?

Yeah.

What would make
Ellen really mad?

( bird screeches )

Twibb.

One flick and
you're your own man.

It's perfect.

Yes, it is.

Who could resist?

Those ears were calling to me.

The fever was pounding
in my head.

I felt like
a prehistoric hunter

closing in for the k*ll.

Closer...

closer...

Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Pete.

You?

( high-pitched tone )

( slow motion ):
I'll never talk
to you again.

( laughing )

Okay, Wendell,
I got a new song for you.

It's called
"Get Back on The Bus."

All right, all right,
youngsters.

BIG PETE:
With just one flick
of my finger,

I had sent Mark Twibb
over the edge.

And as we got back on board,

he was going to make sure

none of us ever
got off that bus again.

? If you're happy and you know
it, clap your hands ?
Mark, no.

? If you're happy and you know
it, clap your hands ?
Shh! Mark!

? If you're happy
and you know it ?

? And you really
want to show it ?
Mark!

? If you're happy and you know
it, clap your hands ?

Stop him!

( squealing )

( muffled screeching )

( horror movie
music chords play )

BIG PETE:
It was the forbidden song.

The anthem of Stu's love
for Sally.

We were doomed.

? If you're happy and you
know it, stamp your feet ?

? If you're happy and
you know it, stamp your feet ?

? If you're happy
and you know it ?

? And you really
want to show it ?

? If you're happy and
you know it, stamp your feet ?

ALL:
? If you're happy
and you know it ?

? Knock your head ?

? If you're happy and you
know it, knock your head ?

? If you're happy
and you know it ?

? And you really
want to show it ?

? If you're happy and
you know it, knock your head ?

? If you're happy and
you know it, sneeze real hard ?

( horn honking )

? If you're happy
and you know it ?

? Sneeze real hard ?

? If you're happy
and you know it ?

? And you really
want to show it... ?

Stu! Hey, Stu!

? If you're happy
and you know it... ?

We're gonna
crash.
Oh, yeah.

? If you're happy... ?

Stu!

KIDS:
Stu, please!

Hit the
brakes! Stu!

But there was only one person

who could snap Stu out of it.

? Hava, hava nagila ?

? Hava nagila, hava nagila ?

Stu, wake up!

? Hava, hava nagila ?

? Hava nagila,
hava nagila, yeah! ?

( Stu hums "If You're Happy
And You Know It" )

PETE:
It didn't work!
Whoo-hoo!

Sing another one!

KIDS:
Somebody do something!

( birds singing )

( continues humming "If You're
Happy And You Know It" )

Wendell,
sing something else!

Try anything!

? You put your left foot in,
you put your left foot out ?

? You put your left foot in ?

? And then you shake it
all about, hey... ?

You do the hokey pokey, Stu.

? And you turn it all around ?

? That's what it's all about ?

Sing it!
? You put your right foot in ?

? You put your right foot out ?

? You put your right foot in
and you shake it all about ?

Stu, wake up!

? You do the hokey-pokey
and you turn it all around ?

? That's what
it's all about, yeah! ?

No one's driving the bus!

No one's...

( tires squealing )

( brakes squealing )

( kids cheering )

( whooping )

All right, man!

BIG PETE:
And just like that,
it was over.

We journeyed
to the outer limits

of our own souls

and came out safely
on the other side.

Officers!

One of you

deliberately sang

that song.

Whoever you are,

you're going to pay
for the whole class.

You will receive

an "F" for the project...

Poor Mark.

...and four weeks detention.

I felt sick inside.

My stupid twib had driven Mark
to do it.

Why should he take the blame?

Who is the culprit?

Speak up!

Wrigley, what,
are you out of your mind?

I did it.

Once a dink,
always a dink.

You're out
of my g*ng!

I wouldn't have
suspected this

from you,
Mr. Wrigley.

You'll have
the pleasure

of staying
on the bus.

The rest of you,

inside!

Why?

I shouldn't have flicked you,
Mark.

You didn't deserve that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too. I...

I shouldn't have sent that note
to Ellen.

You sent the note?

Well...

I guess it was wrong.

I... I thought
you guys were just friends.

Well, we are.

I mean... we were.

I understand.

You know, I think

I'll just let you two
figure that out, okay?

Why'd you
nail me, man?

Sorry, Bill.

Well...

no hard feelings.

ELLEN:
That was brave.

Standing up for
Mark like that.

I guess we both kind of
went crazy back there.

Yeah.

Ellen?

Uh, all that stuff I said...

I didn't mean it.

Same here.

Maybe on the way back,

we could... sit together?

How about now?

There were no lectures
or brochures,

but Ellen and I had learned
more about ourselves

and each other
than we'd ever learn

about milk or moths
or even creamed corn.

Who knew what we'd learn
on the way back?

( romantic intro playing )

? Cobwebs in the rain ?

? Making patterns
as we walk down lover's lane ?

? Seems that each new step
is somehow preordained ?

? I've not traveled
this way before... ?

? Rainbows in the sky ?

? Seem forever,
but we know by and by... ?