00x04 - Apocalypse Pete

[bunniefuu]

this is my brother Pete and this is my

dad

a guy who spends most of his free time

wondering well where did I go wrong over

the years he's tried his best to turn

Pete into a model son so you just go

with the grain in a circular motion and

soon the plan has not been all that

successful Pete's just Pete he can't

help it

whether he's collecting burps catching

bugs or staring into the electromagnetic

vortex of a lunar eclipse II there's

always been a certain Pete approach to

life that's the dad is never appreciated

even when Pete tries to please dad like

the time you put a high gloss finish on

the lawn for Father's Day

he just can't win

Pete knew they'd never be like other

fathers and sons building tree forts

together and fishing for smelt he didn't

really want that anyway all he wanted

was for dad to accept him for the Pete

he was I didn't think he had a chance I

mean you know our dads can be then on

one sunny Saturday morning not too far

from here something happened that

changed everything if you wanted to you

could call it a miracle

[Music]

you know

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

in the whole sloppy history of humankind

you'll find that the biggest movements

are caused by the stupidest little

things a Prime Minister accidentally

farts and whammo it's the Korean w*r in

the case of Pete and dad's miracle

friendship it all started with a

blacktop grudge match between my dad's

88 Dodge Aries and mr. hickel's

fuel-injected throttle jet 5000 some of

my fumes the Mirage they used to be

friends

but ever since the Bicentennial when

mister Hickel inadvertently melted our

birdbath the two of them started a feud

that's been building ever since the only

problem is mr. Hickel also happens to be

the father of my all-time best friend

Ellen Hickman

over the years we've tried to ignore

their feud but when we heard it was all

coming down to this one final race well

we had to take sides I pitched in by

drawing a map of the course while Ellen

did her part by making this perfect mr.

Hickel action figure to ride in the car

during the race how do I look honey it

was a true labor of love and soon they

grew closer than any father daughter and

action-figures should be as for Pete he

sculpted a stainless steel voodoo hood

ornament

but as usual his best wasn't good enough

for dad whose side are you on anyway

will this thing weigh me down it's

completely unaired dynamic I mean it

could cost me the race despite the

rejection Pete wasn't about to give up

yet not while he still had his own

personal superhero Artie the strongest

man in the world Pete never did trust

Phil Hickel much less to Phil Hickel

action figure and he knew if he could

dig up some dirt he could prove himself

to doubt once and for all

sure enough mr. Haeckel was up to no

good

secretly souping up his car with an

illegal overdrive button line transducer

grid with a terrible static overdrive

cheater man Wow I claim fell they do

agree with my clan it was the break Pete

had been waiting for cheaters never

prosper mr. Haeckel had left him with no

other choice with the big race just

hours away

there was only one course of action left

[Music]

sabotage the scene was set for a day of

reckoning my dad had been waiting for

for 16 years

I'm Don where's your manners

finally the big race was on

dad cranked his turbocharged v8 engine

to maximum thrust and quickly roared to

a commanding lead

don't mess with the best hello dad

[Music]

come on but as they turn the corner at

West platelet Avenue mr. Hickel hit the

button on his secret w*apon

[Music]

and the throttle jet surged ahead we

were the stick then just when dad seemed

dusted the results of beans sabotage

became beautifully clear

[Applause]

dad had one beats me Oh figures he

missed my big moment

they'll teach you to mess with my dad

[Music]

at our victory dinner that night dad

learned the truth about what Pete had

done I'd never seen him prouder not only

they won the race but his misfit son had

saved the day for me well I think you

both should go over the hickel's

tomorrow and return that Action Man to

Phil Ellen made it for him that's right

there's no reason for this to get out of

hand

let's all be adults about it and

attention attention we interrupt your

dinner to bring you a special

announcement talk about dirty tricks mr.

Haeckel knew her mom had a metal plate

in her head from an accident she had

when she was a kid and by broadcasting

at the right frequency he could transmit

radio messages using her plate like an

antenna and until I get the 695 dollars

and 65 cents you owe me for destroying

my car these broadcasts will continue

non-stop and now for a selection from

the hawaiian soldiers chorus

[Applause]

after a lifetime of having nothing in

common with dad Pete finally had a

chance to share his all-time favorite

hobby thanks in just 10 days

they built a command center NASA would

have k*lled for surveillance monitors

radar screens a satellite based infrared

camera and more that's Pete's idea

it automatically plus is a toilet and

pickles house you gets in the shower and

I don't like it either honey with no

other choice

shorty family we are in a state of w*r

and as such each member will be expected

to sign a loyalty poll that prohibits

among other things fraternizing with the

enemy dad Ellen is my best friend's was

your best friend

I won't sign it son I know it's hard but

but but think of your poor mother forced

to wear a helmet to muffle the constant

pounding of polka music it's not so bad

I don't know dad the maniac is playing

polka music son sweaty men and

lederhosen squeezing accordions we're

gonna stop them we're gonna have to do

it my way that's right I'm sorry son

Arwen don't be a wuss

[Music]

[Applause]

the ink wasn't even dry on my signature

before dad and Pete struck back with the

ultimate secret w*apon the plan was to

use Artie's superhuman strength to move

mr. heckles house to Saskatchewan but

because of a slight back spring he got

from lifting a brassiere Emporium the

week before Marty was able to budget one

inch even so the prank worked

beautifully

and with that one tiny little inch the

great prank w*r was officially underway

in the annals of modern history you'd

have to go back to the trench warfare of

World w*r one to find a battle as

fiercely fought as what became known as

the great prank w*r putting messes with

political

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Applause]

wait and

[Music]

guitar solo

[Music]

take one's bag

as dad and Pete learned the meaning of

togetherness Ellen and I learned the

meaning of being apart I know it seems

stupid but he is my dad and I did

promise besides our every move was being

tracked by radar since we knew the pay

phones were tapped we had to communicate

by dropping off secret letters with

crossing guard

Kenneth G Keegan a man who had seen

maybe one too many spy movies okay okay

I've got it memorized the plan had been

for Ken to simply deliver the notes but

he had his own ideas it was a little

difficult at first

dear-dear auto-peep

but after a few days he got the hang of

it dear Pete I couldn't

I couldn't stop I couldn't stop thinking

about you yesterday

[Music]

Hot Stuff we're just friends

sure forget our family's

self-destructing I wanted the prank w*r

to end so Ken would stop winking at me

unfortunately it showed no signs of

cooling down

ready

my dad's a mouse Pete a total mess all

he cares about is revenge I don't know

him anymore I hate to say it but I think

the only thing we ever had in common was

a stupid action figure I know he expects

me to be a good loyal daughter but too

bad this w*r has got to end

Ellen Ellen it's your daddy I'd like to

speak to you for a second I don't know

if it'll work but I've started giving

him the silent treatment Ellen I know

you're in there

I just can't take it anymore I don't

know if you miss me but but I I miss you

I really really miss you Pete

thanks Ken

[Music]

I walked to him faster than usual that

data do my stupid shift in the w*r room

I guess I was hoping I catch a glimpse

of Ellen

hi honey after your French horn lessons

Ellen Josephine Hickel what have I done

when I saw her I knew who I had to be

loyal to and it wasn't dad or P I miss

you too Ella

what was that nothing

Pete I can't take this anymore you've

got to call it off

no can do comrade I know why you're

doing this it's dad isn't it you're

afraid that if the w*r ends your

friendship will end too so I know how

you feel Pete but this can't last

forever things have to go back to normal

why you know why you're not gonna end

this I will

[Music]

Hey hi hi

did you get a haircut yeah do you like

it okay what about the w*r that's what I

want to talk to you about how's the

silent treatment working it's been hard

but I think it's finally getting to him

I know you're out there listen to me

this dude has gone far enough

I surrender it's over done you win I'll

tear up the bill I'll turn off the music

I'll forget about everything

I'm asking you to do is just give me

back my action figure

I'm sending over the car right now just

buckle him in the seat and I'll do the

rest I don't know what this w*r has done

to your family but between you and me

it's tearing my nap art please done my

daughter made that action figure for me

it means a lot to us I need it back

I need hardback

please don

[Music]

with the fate of the prank w*r entirely

in his hands peep made a command

decision if Phil Hickel wanted his

action figure back that much he'd gladly

give it to him along with a little added

surprise as we were all about to find

out the w*r wasn't over until Pete said

it was over

heads up shorty

[Music]

sir we've got conditioned Iranian man

the battle stations

switched octillery life support

[Music]

oops that flame hole up to dad was

suspicious first but when Pete played

back the surveillance tape it's overdone

you when he knew they had won the w*r we

did a son we showed that clam dip you

can't mess we're the best tool Pete's

fiendish scheme was going perfectly

dad didn't suspect a thing so long

shorty drive safely

yeah buddy unit there's not heavier than

I remember

oh my god

surrendered I mean he's at our mercy if

we double-crossed now if this work going

forever

exactly

are you nuts we won it's all over son

didn't do it me started they'll thank me

for this someday

[Music]

[Applause]

listen to me Pete I control you've got

to put it into this before it's too late

you're absolutely right son yeah come on

everybody

you too mister let's go we've got to

stop that car suddenly it was the big

race all over again only this time dad

had warned his mind and revenge

[Music]

stop in the name of love

Oh

I can't

halfway to the hickel's on Sahara Lake

Avenue there was shattered from 14

straight days of Sonic assaults

[Music]

it's almost over

[Music]

you're almost Tom

[Music]

Hills

[Applause]

[Music]

holding a double-cross unfilled Hickel

[Music]

[Music]

what's a lousy watch huh Don are you

okay yeah what told us about a booby

trap well that's what I like to know

Phil it had all been a trick a fake-out

to end all fake outs Pete knew the only

way the feud would end for good was if

data mr. Hickel came together and became

friends again

even though it might mean losing his own

friendship with dad

Pete had to end the w*r his way the Pete

way suddenly dad understood everything

[Music]

all the trick wasn't there to get me and

mr. Hickey friends again well son uh it

work I mean I got an amateur you you did

all right well now we can get things

back to normal around here well you know

almost normal in order

looks like you might need some new

eyebrows and the new face

that's pretty much the whole story

Artie move the house back to where it

belonged

Ellen and I vowed to never let anyone

keep us apart ever again and mom she let

mr. Hickel know there were really no

hard feelings as for Pete and dad well

they might have lost the one thing they

had in common

now that the w*r was over but in the end

at least they found each other

[Music]

[Music]