10x01 - God's Haemorrhoid

[bunniefuu]

Hello and welcome at last to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and I am the Taskmaster.

I'm powerful and in peak
physical condition.

What's that? You're new to the show?

Let me explain the simple premise.

Five funny people have been
set a load of ludicrous tasks

that we have filmed them
attempting to complete.

Over the coming weeks,
I will pass judgment on their efforts

from this magnificent throne.

At the end of the tenth episode,

the person who has amassed
the most points across the run

will take home the ultimate prize.

My beautiful head,

cast in solid gold.

For the losers...

Well, I'm afraid their careers
will be destroyed.

We promised there would be no changes
when we moved to Channel 4,

but I have removed the studio audience.

Nothing to do with recent events.

I just don't like being near
members of the public.

So while they're watching next door,

it's just me and the contestants
in the hotbox of competition.

So strap in. It's gonna be intense.

Joining us for this series
are the incredible...

Daisy May Cooper!

Johnny Vegas!

Katherine Parkinson!

Mawaan Rizwan!

And Richard Herring!

And, next to me,

the man whose job it is to keep
track of all the facts and figures.

He's been my personal assistant
for coming up to six years,

and yet, we have genuinely only
socialised together three times.

His neck is the same
width as his head,

he chooses to wear
plastic slip-on shoes,

and he once told me,
at some point nearly every day,

he cries.

It's Little Alex Horne!

It's nice to be here.

I've been keeping busy.

Yeah. What have you been up to?

Friendship bracelets.
Making friendship bracelets.

- OK.
- There we go.

They all represent different
aspects of our friendship.

So we've got when we first met,
and then when you acknowledged me...

for the first time,
a couple of years later.

Yep.

- And then this arm is future events.
- Right.

The first time we go to
a swimming pool together.

- Yeah.
- Christmas.

If we spend Christmas toge--

Do you want me to go
through them all?

- No, not at all.
- OK.

It follows the pattern of all
of your opening chats,

which is, "seemingly
normal statement..."

"...oblique follow-up."

Yes, there's a format.

Good. On with the first
part of the show.

- The prize task.
- Yeah.

That's the first part of the show.

Each of our contestants has
brought in a personal possession

to place in tonight's prize pot.

At the end of the episode, the winner
will take all of the possessions home.

Yeah.

And to kick off the new series,
we've asked them to bring in

the nicest thing to put
in your mouth.

OK? It's not even that
kind of show.

The person who has brought in the
nicest thing to put in their mouth

will be awarded the maximum five points
and be off to a cracking start.

At the end of the episode,

the overall winner will
take home five nice things

and carry them all home
in their gob.

Daisy, what's the nicest thing
to put in your mouth?

Wine. Just white wine.

Just white wine.

OK.

And we're off, Greg. We're off.

Feel the rush!

You're gonna have to
jazz this up, Daisy,

unless you want to go
straight into last place.

Well, white wine...
It's just great, isn't it?

Alcohol's really great.

Er, I've got two months to go
till my baby's born.

Just been really looking forward
to a glass of white wine.

Right, I wasn't convinced by wine.

You know, I've remembered how
great it is to drink now,

so you're in with contention.

Johnny, what's the nicest thing you
like to pop in your mouth?

Anti-reflux medicine.

- It looks like this.

Yeah, I'm very familiar
with what it looks like.

It does. It's like the g*n in Platoon.

That is my reflux, that is my g*n.

This is the burning, this is my tum.

It's not particularly nice to put in
your mouth, though, is it?

No, I kind of like the taste.

You know, I had a friend,
honestly, another comic,

who, when he got a kebab,

used to put that on.

You know when they say,
"What sauce would you like?"

- He'd pour it on the kebab?
- He poured it on the kebab.

- That's absolute horseshit.
- It stopped him having to get up in the night.

- That's not true.
- It's true!

Someone was pouring Gaviscon
onto a f*cking kebab?

It cut out the middleman!

Katherine, what thing is nice
to put in your mouth?

I slightly distorted it, like Johnny did,

because this thing isn't "nice"
to put in your mouth,

but the results of having it in
your mouth are splendid.

It's this object.

- Braces.

Have you ever had a brace?

I've had several braces.

My teeth, when I was younger...

...in the '80s,

were pretty much at a right angle.

Literally straight forward.

I'm not exaggerating, actually--

You are exaggerating.

I remember the orthodontist
seeing me for the first time,

and saying, under his
breath, "Poor kid."

- Yeah.
- So they were bad.

I don't know whether having
a brace in your mouth is "nice".

I agree it's better for us to be
able to look at you without

you having your teeth out
directly in front of you.

- Hello!
- Alright?

Tell me, Mawaan,
what you have brought

that is nice to put in
a person's mouth.

It's a teething toy shaped
like a chicken wing.

Let's start with the basics.
It doesn't look like a chicken wing.

Yeah, it does!

It doesn't. It looks like
a slug or a sh*t.

Look, when you're trying to go vegan

and you miss having a
chicken wing in your mouth...

- Yeah.
- ...it's the second best.

There's something genetically in you

that really wants to, like,
chomp on meat.

- So that phased that out.
- So why not get a piece of rubber?

My gut instinct is, it doesn't
look like something that's

at all nice to put in your mouth.

Yeah, but it feels nice, Greg!

- Let's move on to Richard.
- Yeah.

Well, the way I went with this,

that no one else seems
to have gone with,

is something that was nice
to have in your mouth.

- Interesting.

Mine is halloumi cheese
with chilli in it.

Oh, my God.

You've got to fry it up
and everything,

you've got to grill it and
do that stuff with it,

but that is the
most delicious thing.

It's certainly the most
middle-class thing.

Here it is. There we go.
That's pre-frying.

Oh, it's not so good there.

Not only do I like how
middle-class it is,

I like the fact that when
you announced it,

Katherine went like this: "Ooh!"

You've seen them all now, Greg.

I'm afraid I'm going to score this,

what is literally nice
to put in your mouth.

- That's the way I've decided to do it.
- And I don't blame you for that.

Even if they're not necessarily
the most imaginative things,

as is demonstrated by
Richard's... halloumi.

OK.

So, in first place,
I'm going to put Daisy.

Who doesn't like
a lovely glass of wine?

- Five points.
- Brilliant!

In second place, unbelievably,
it's Halloumi Boy.

- Richard Herring.
- In third place, Johnny.

In fourth place,
Katherine's mouth guard.

Mouth plate, yeah.

And in fifth place,
what a surprise, Mawaan.

Mawaan, you get one point.

You'd rather put her braces in your
mouth than my chicken wing?

- I'm surprised.
- Correct.

What world do we live in?

Right, task time.

What have we got to begin
this fine series?

We have... a coconut.

Oh! Haha.

- Oh, hi, Katherine.
- Hi!

- Hello, Johnny!
- Hi, Alex!

- Alright, Alex? What you saying?
- Er, hello.

Hello, Daisy.

Ooh, that reminds me of village fêtes.

- Hi there.
- Oh, hi, Richard.

"Knock the coconut off its perch."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

Ooh.

- Congratulations.

Congratulations, Richard!

- You've won...

...this bear.

Thank you so much!

Ooh, great!

Wow!

- Well done.
- Do I get to keep it?

- Oh, come on!

- Yes!

Well done, Johnny. Your prize...

- You've won a teddy bear.

Congratulations.

Can I take this home?

No, you have to take it to
the phone box there,

and open the other task.
Thank you.

Oh.

Oh. I knew it couldn't be that easy.

Did you?

"Put all these drinks on the
table in the caravan..."

"...without spilling a drop."

"Also, you must be clutching
this teddy at all times."

Do you need to be
holding the bear now?

Yes.

Thank you, Katherine.

Oof!

"Also, you must not walk on the
grass while holding drinks."

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
What?!

But... how do I not
walk on the grass?

Yes.

Me and teddy are going on a bender.

I find it quite irritating when you do
a little task that isn't the real task.

Johnny benefitted from it.

The system was, if you
knocked off the coconut

between nought and ten seconds,

you won the big bear,
'cause you were so fast.

Ten and 20 seconds,
the middle-sized bear...

Yeah, yeah, I know, and you're
all pleased with yourself.

Yeah.

Because coming first means
you get the big bear,

which makes it harder, nya-ha.

No.

"Oh, look how I've turned
competition up and down!"

Ugh, honestly.

Daisy, I feel like before
we see the task proper,

I should ask you about your outfit that
you've chosen for this series.

Just "Achievement Woman",
so all the things that I'd achieved.

Were they on the cape?

Yeah, did you not just watch this?

I just saw you in a ridiculous outfit
with a couple of stickers on,

I didn't know there was detail in it.

I would like to make
something clear to you all.

I've been accused, in recent series,

of not being tough
enough on the rules,

and I am gonna be ruthless
during this series.

And the thing I noticed in the rules

is that you are not
allowed to spill a drop.

And before I see these,
I want you to know,

that will result in disqualification.

Oh.

OK, we're gonna start off with
Richard and Johnny,

the two older guys. Here we go.

Daddy bear.

Mummy bear.

Oh!

- It's a big teddy.
- It is quite big. Almost unwieldy.

Teddy alright?

He's not happy with
his mum and dad.

It looks like Goldilocks came
back proper pissed off.

- Oof!

Oh, there's a tray here!

Whoa!

- Is that all the drinks?
- That's all the drinks.

I've stopped the clock.

- OK, they're all on the table.

- Thank you, Richard.

Thanks, Johnny.

That's what life will do to you.

Look away, child. Look away.

Great. Absolute mental
collapse, task one.

- Richard?
- Yeah?

- One pint at a time, yeah?
- Well, I didn't see the tray.

And then you saw it and said,
"Ah, there's a tray here."

"Now life gets interesting."

What was the spill count?

Uh, Richard... there were
just a couple of drips

on the table, you could see
at the very end there.

Oh dear.

Well, I was told not to spill "a" drop,

and I spilt four or five drops.

Clever semantics will get you
nowhere in this show.

And Johnny, he said, "Once a
barman, always a barman."

Which isn't true.
You can get other jobs.

- He lost half a pint.
- Had I?

Let's see some better people.

OK, we're gonna see
one person now.

Daisy Tray Cooper,
I've called her.

Like that? Play on words?
He'll be pleased with it.

Oh, God. OK, um...

Right.

Right, OK.

Let's see what I have.

OK.

Big teddy, that.

- Oh, no!

One drink down.

Oh, my God! This is so heavy.

Yes.

Going sledging?

Just trying to make me a pathway.

Ah, bath mat! Yes!

Ah!

- No! No!

All four, is it?

- All four, yeah.
- Yeah, why not?

Are they all on?

Yeah, bar one.

- Bar two?
- Two?

- Think so.
- Oh, f*ck.

It's amazing how Achievement
Woman, so quickly,

could be made to look like
Drunk Woman in Magaluf.

The worst hen party of all time,
starring Achievement Woman.

"Don't spill a drop"?

She's hoyed a pint on the floor
in the first second of the task!

She wasn't slow. She was
quicker than Richard.

Yeah, we can all be quick if we just
chuck the pints on the floor

and shout, "Oh, bath mat!"
at the top of our voices.

No one's ever shouted, "Bath mat!"

as if it's the key to a task that
you've already totally ruined.

And that is the end of the first part
of this new era of Taskmaster.

New channel, same old
sickening adverts.

You don't need new things.

Just hold each other.
We're in end times!

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

I hope you had a good think
about what you've done.

Alex, please remind us what was
going on before the break.

Honestly, your memory, Greg.

They were trying to carry pints to
a caravan without walking on the grass

and whilst carrying a giant teddy,
apart from Johnny,

who only had a little teddy to carry,
but still made it look difficult.

Last up, we're gonna
have a nice time

with Katherine Parkinson
and Mawaan Rizwan.

"You must not walk on the grass."

Oh! Does that mean I can run on the
grass while holding drinks?

Oh, what does it say?

"You must not walk on the grass
while holding drinks."

OK, well, let's sort this out first.

- I think that'll do it.
- Yeah?

Are you walking, Katherine?

- No, I'm doing that.
- And what is that?

Tip-toe running.

- Not walking?
- Dancing.

Right, that goes in there.

I think I'm gonna move
the telephone box.

Oh, it's quite heavy.

How do I get...?

The balls?!

The balls.

There's a reason why they're here.

Ooh!

Tip-toe running.

OK.

Where's the door?

Ooh!

Argh, it's really heavy!

OK, slowly does it.

- It's coming.
- Yes, yes.

Yeah-- Oh. This is not my fault,
it's a dodgy pipe.

Oh! Argh!

Tiny drop went. Hope you didn't
catch that on that camera.

Just refilling the drinks.

Thank you, Katherine.
I've stopped the clock.

I've stopped the clock.

Right, Mawaan.

- Let's deal with you first.
- Yeah.

- I was initially thinking...
- "Genius."

"I've got high hopes for this boy,"
because the gaffer tape, lovely.

Getting this clown to strap the
bear to you. Excellent.

And you know why I know
it was excellent?

It's because while he was watching it,
Richard Herring went,

"Nice!" with no irony whatsoever.

Yeah.

And then you went from
strapping the bear on, nice,

to trying to lift the phone box.

Yeah, because I know there's always,
like, a clever way of doing things.

Once you'd realised you couldn't
move a phone box,

you then stared, quietly,
at three balls on a lawn,

and went, "Maybe it's the balls..."

But why were they there?

You threw them,
at the very beginning.

Oh, sh*t!

You were mystified by your own balls.

It's not the first time.

Now, when I was a child,
my mum would often say to me,

"Run to the shops."

As it happens, to get cigarettes.

If you're watching,
old woman – pretty gross.

Or she might say, "Walk to the shops.
Get me some cigarettes."

She never said, "Go to the shops..."

"And use that tippy-tappy walk."

How do you distinguish
"tippy-tappy-toe thing" from a walk?

Sure.

I think how I would distinguish it is...

is... it's you use more
the ball of your feet.

- Correct.
- I don't know if you've done much tap.

I mean, I think she's got a point.

When a tap dancer's tapping,
they're not walking.

- Mm-hm.
- That's not a... Is it?

I mean, walking is
"moving at a regular pace,"

"by lifting and setting
down each foot in turn."

OK, who definitely spilt a drop?

Mawaan spilt the most
and was the slowest.

Daisy May Cooper
spilt at least two pints,

Johnny half a pint.

Richard did spill a little bit,
but came in at 9 minutes 12.

Katherine was 11 minutes 12,
with one drop.

Everybody has failed.
Let's see the scoreboard.

Hang on!

OK, well, it hasn't changed a lot
because of that task.

It looks like this.

There we go. Daisy May
Cooper is in the lead.

Achievement Woman!

Well done, Daisy.

Let's have another
task then, Alex, please.

OK, and just like what you ask me
to do with your mystery stains,

this one involves trying to
make things vanish.

- Hiya, Alex.
- Hello, Johnny.

How are you?

Thank you for asking.
No one ever asks me that.

- We're getting on well.
- Yeah, yeah.

I feel like we've bonded.

"Make the largest object
properly vanish."

"Largest object to
properly vanish wins."

"You may not use any
editing trickery."

I don't know any editing trickery.

"You have one hour.
Your time starts..."

There should be
one more word.

It's vanished. Mate,
that's so clever.

I mean, it doesn't have to be
in this room, right?

"Make the largest object
properly vanish."

Is that me?

No. That sofa's bigger than me.

So let's discuss what
"properly vanish" means.

OK, to vanish--

So it's zero points for
everyone again, this time, Greg.

Because, you know, it's not possible
to make something properly vanish.

In your opinion.

That's why we need to
discuss it in advance, Richard.

To vanish is "to disappear
suddenly and completely".

Let's just agree, it's...

It's just gonna have to look
like it's vanished,

otherwise it's no points again.

This is gonna be the
shittest series of all time.

The winner's gonna be Daisy because
she brought a bottle of wine in.

"You see that show that went
on for ten weeks?"

"And one woman..."

"A woman won a prize 'cause
she brought some wine in."

"She didn't even collect it
'cause she was giving birth!"

Right, let's see some stuff.

OK, well, we started with
Richard first last time,

and this time, we're gonna start
with Richard first this time.

- How'd you do that?

It was pretty impressive,
I thought.

Richard's leering smile
was nice, at the end.

Always nice to finish a trick
off with a rictus grin.

How do you think he did it?

I suspect what Richard's done is,
he's put a mirror under the table,

and that you're hiding behind it.

OK, this is the method
behind the magic.

It was only the wobbly mirror
that gave it away,

but that doesn't take away from it.

- I thought it was pretty damn fine.
- Thank you.

I don't mind telling you.

- Very good. Who's next?
- It's Katherine next.

Hi. I'm about to make the largest
thing in this room vanish.

Um, I'm not a magician, but I've
worked out a way of making

the largest thing I could find
in this room disappear.

Vanish. Poof!

Um, so, when I've done it,
I'm gonna not click my fingers,

'cause I'm not very good at doing that,
but clap my hands. So...

Where's that large sofa gone?

- It's vanished.

So how did she make the largest
thing in the room vanish, Greg?

Well, I've been distracted
by two things.

One is your pronunciation
of the word "room".

"Ruhm"?

- Yeah, it always bugs me.
- Ruhm?

I've been meaning to tell
you for ages. "Ruhm".

And you also say "tis-sue",
which I hate as well.

There's a tis-sue in the ruhm.

"Oh, hello, it's me, Alex Horne.
There's a tis-sue in the ruhm."

"Mummy, mummy, I've left my
tis-sue in the ruhm."

That's number one.

- That's the first thing that distracted me.
- Right.

And the second thing is
Katherine's presenting style,

which appears to be
"mid-80s Judith Chalmers".

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

How did she make the
sofa disappear?

I believe she distracted me by talking
like a mid-80s holiday presenter

and while that was happening,
the camera came away from the sofa,

and it was removed by
members of the crew.

- Oh, God, you're clever.
- That's my theory.

Well, have a look at this, then.

Hi. I'm about to make the largest
thing in this room vanish.

Um, I'm not a magician, but I've
worked out a way of making

the largest thing I could find in
this room disappear. Vanish.

Well, I didn't expect you
still to be in the ruhm.

- I can tell you that much.

So it had the same effect,
but it was far more elaborate than

the much easier way of just
pulling it out the door.

The reveal excited me.

- OK!
- OK.

Two good ones!

Not bad. Someone's gonna
have to mess up soon.

Right, more vanishing acts
after the break,

as we move closer towards somebody
winning Johnny Vegas's reflux medicine.

We're back with a bang, folks.
Back with a bang!

Come-bye, come-bye!
Away, away!

Come-bye! Steady.
Come-bye! Good boy.

Hello and welcome back.

Before the break, there was
a vanishing task occurring.

Occurring. Double C, double R.

Yes, and now it's the
turn of Johnny Vegas,

whose real name is actually
Johnny Las Vegas.

Here we go.

Post-election.

Corbyn... facing his greatest defeat.

But he has one last trick
up his sleeve.

A 200-foot mutant chicken!

He's sick of the tax-dodgers!

He just wants rampage on
all the Labour people

who left and voted Tory, and the church
will never be united with the state!

BASH!

The k*ller chicken rages
rampant across London!

What can we do?
The Armed Forces are alerted!

And just when we think
all hope is lost...

...he disappears
into the Thames.

I was just... I allowed politics to creep
into making something disappear.

Yeah, well, let's dig into it.

Imagine if that was a 400-foot chicken.

- I made a 400-foot chicken disappear.
- Yeah.

And it was big enough
to trash Parliament.

I think Johnny's making a very
important socialist point.

That day, when I finished my task,
they let me go home early.

Well, of course they did.
They were worried about you.

Let's move on.

Would you like to see
Daisy May Cooper's attempt?

Would I?

You've got to try to work out
how she did this.

Taskmaster is probably best
known for its large cow.

That was there.

Can you find it?
'Cause it's vanished.

Is it not around the corner? No.

No.

Where is it?

It's gone. It's vanished.

What do you think
her method was?

I dunno, but I...

You're not...
You're a bit bored by it?

The way you made it disappear is
gonna have to be impressive.

It's a lacklustre
presentation thus far.

Well, is it lacklustre
when you see this?

OK.

There we go.

- Keep going.
- Really?

Really in there.

That's good. That looks
really good from here.

Vanished!

I don't understand why you're
sort of sneering at me like that.

You're supposed to make
something completely vanish--

Which I did.
A large object, which I did.

It's implied that you have to do
that in a clever way, and you...

You've just rammed a
cow into a hedge.

Do you think that's how Siegfried & Roy
dominated Vegas for all those years?

"I've got this white tiger.
What shall I do?"

"Just stick it in the
f*cking hedge."

Stick it in the hedge.

Yeah.

Come on, who's next?
We've got to...

I've got to get that taste
out of my mouth.

The final person to see is Mawaan.

- Here we go.
- Come on, Mawaan.

Behold, a large animal.

Now you see it...

Now you still see it. But maybe...

...you're looking at the
wrong animal.

Where'd the cow go?

Are you watching?!

I sort of... I understand what we were
supposed to do now, yeah.

How did he push it into the
hedge in that short amount of time?

You'd already beaten Daisy by
putting the duck behind your head.

- How did he do it, though?
- I'll show you how he did it.

There was no camera trickery.
There was some trickery like this.

You're looking at the wrong animal.

Where'd the cow go?

- The cow was never there.
- That's brilliant.

I mean, come on.

Thanks. I don't usually milk things,
but you know when the idea--

Hey, cow gag!

I didn't even know I was doing it.

You've seen them all now.

Apart from last place, it's tough.

- One point to Daisy.

Wow, didn't see
that coming.

Fourth is empty.

In third place,
it's Katherine Chalmers...

...and Richard the
Wobbly Mirror King.

In second place,
it's Johnny's socialist marvel,

and comfortably in first, Mawaan.

Five points! Mawaan has won.

More, please!

OK, Mr Big and Beefy.

This task involves a choice,
some eggs, a frying pan,

and a drastic change of location.

Hello.

- Welcome.
- Welcome, thank you.

- You alright?
- Yeah. This is cool, innit?

- Is it?
- Yeah, man.

Why?

- Dunno, it's just vast.
- Vast.

Why are you writing that down?

If you say it, I have to
write it down.

Croutons.

There's gonna be some building.

Boxes, pipes, wood, eggs.

"Land the most egg in the frying pan."

"You may not throw any egg."

"You must stay on this balcony..."

"...and you may only use the contents
of one of these boxes."

"You have 20 minutes or until
you run out of egg."

Well, that's just crazy!

Uh, "Your time starts now."

Where's the frying pan, Alex?

So, helium canister.

So it's in one of these boxes, is it?

- We haven't hidden the frying pan.
- OK. OK, where is it then?

OK, this one's just cardboard and,
like, bolts and screws.

Do robot eggs travel any easier?

- Sorry, robot eggs?
- Robot eggs, yeah.

If I made them, like...
If I put a bit more....

There's no Blu Tack.

Is it under there? No.

You can have a look,
if you want.

Oh, like a kind of
fishing-y sort of thing.

"Land the most egg in the frying pan."

Ah! It's there. It's there.

- Do you know that?
- Yes.

Oh, God.

How are you feeling
about this one?

I'm feeling a bit down.

- I mean, it doesn't bode well, does it?
- No.

We'll start with Kitty and Ricky.

- Yes, please.
- Here we go.

I mean, I'll try Box C, I guess.

Hmm, this is what we're gonna do.

We're gonna create some tubage
and then roll it down there.

Using the bandage?

Well, I don't think it'll stay
together on its own.

There's not, like, a right choice and
wrong choice, presumably?

Sure.

That's enough to get an egg down
there safely, I reckon.

I don't know how you use these.

OK.

You've just got to go for it.

I feel a bit upset.

- Ah!
- Yeah, this is good.

That's it. Thank you.

There's no one down there,
right? Oh!

I've just broken all the eggs.

But... that is not gonna
dissuade me from carrying on.

- That'll do.
- Yeah?

Want me to stay nearby--?

- I think it'll be fine.
- Yeah?

- I've still got time.
- Yeah, time's not your problem.

- I can see it. Ready?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.

Let's go.

Do you see any problems?

- Did it go in there?
- No.

Where did it go?
Did it go straight down?

So close!

Are we doing exactly
the same thing again?

- Same thing again, yeah.
- Right.

Better.

- Better?
- Yeah.

- Have you got any more egg left?
- I have got a little bit of egg left.

Not very good at paper planes.

This is your last egg.

Oh!

That was the worst one.

It cracked in the tube, actually.

- Did it?
- Yeah.

Well done.

Oh, don't clap that.
Don't patronise us.

I mean, you're familiar with the
definition of madness, right?

Yes.

As far as I can work out,

once you'd stuck some tubing
together using sticking plasters,

you then dropped three eggs,
exactly the same angle onto the floor.

We, Alex and I,
we did a little kick--

I don't like this "we".

So you were attempting
an angle kick at the end?

Yes, I think I was just sort of
trying to, you know,

get a little kind of leverage--

But my impression is that the eggs
just went on the floor,

miles from the pan, every time.

The second one wasn't far off.
The third one, you were unlucky,

'cause you threw it into the pipe
and it burst immediately.

Yeah, but I think if
that one hadn't burst,

we would've been
really close to the pan.

Again, not--
No "we". You. But yes.

I mean, it wasn't a
great start, Katherine.

However, I do think Richard
was more tragic.

- Good! OK.
- Good.

It was at the point, I think,

that you said, "I've broken all the eggs."

To me, for the rest of the whole task,
you looked 12 years of age.

It was really desperate, wasn't it?

But you looked like
a determined little boy

trying to prove himself to daddy.

Isn't this what this show is?

"I know I've broken the eggs,
but I can still do it, daddy!"

And then he tried to
get some egg in the pan

with a paper aeroplane,
like a 12-year-old would.

And you were doing this.

I mean, it's not gonna get more
entertaining than those two. Well done.

Next up, it's Mawaan Rizwan.

OK, I think I'm gonna have the
most fun with this one,

so I'll go with this one.

Sometimes a decision
is better than no decision,

even if it's the wrong decision.

Right.

Cool.

Yeah, something's coming to me.

What if I made a hole in the egg...

and then filled it with helium?

- OK. OK. I've just wasted an egg.

OK, that ain't going anywhere.

This will always be too heavy
for the balloon.

Is it worth putting more
than one balloon on it?

Yes, that's a great idea!

It doesn't have to be the
whole egg, does it?

Any egg would
be good, Mawaan.

Some egg in there.

OK, so there's some egg
in that balloon.

Oh, it smells bad.

OK, alright.

It's the container that's
weighing it down.

- What's wrong?
- It broke.

- The egg broke?
- That was my last egg.

Oh dear.

So you've put the string
through the egg...?

It's still an egg, man.
It's still an egg.

You've got a minute left.

- Whoa!

OK, now it needs more weight,

so I'm just gonna add this back in.

Yeah, but you just took that off
'cause it was too heavy.

Yeah, but now that the yolk is out...

The yolk is the heaviest
part of the egg.

OK.

No, no!

Can I please go get it?

- Is that it?
- That's it.

When people look back
on this series,

I think they will all,
in unison, say,

"That was the series where
a grown man..."

"...tried to fill an egg with helium."

Presumably in the hope that
the egg would float.

OK. When you put it like that,
it sounds stupid.

But when you're in the room, "ruhm"--

With an egg, so full as it is
with its own egg.

I thought it was an inspired idea
and it could have worked.

Oh, that's so sweet of you,
but you don't believe that.

You don't believe that anyone
can fill an egg with helium

and that egg will then float.
You don't believe that, Katherine.

- Katherine, you do believe that.
- I can't look at you, sorry.

I've never laughed so openly at
someone else's misfortune!

Oh, God, would you look at the time?
It's end of part three!

Welcome back to the
final part of the show.

Before the break, they were
trying to get an egg

into a frying pan, using
the contents of a box.

It's now time for my favourite DJ.
It's Daisy Johnny.

Think, think. That's the one I want.

Is it most sensible?

I'm gonna go for the balloons.

Oh, but there's no shotgun
to sh**t the balloons.

What's in here?

I'm going with this, I'm going with
this, I'm going with this!

Oh, I've never been so happy!

If they had this at Jobseeker's
Allowance meetings,

I would be right on board,
I promise you!

OK, could somebody start inflating
some balloons for me?

That's a good one.

You know when they say,
"don't put all your eggs in one basket"?

I think you should, 'cause then,
if it goes wrong,

it's just obvious that you
weren't meant for this world.

Yes, that's feeling good.

I just want to see if that'll carry it.

Nowhere near.

D'you know what? I think we try and
attach all three eggs in one go.

Actually-- Oops.

Perfect!

Give my creation life!

No, no!

You've got one and a
half minutes, Johnny.

All we have to do is make sure
that this is amongst the balloons.

Now, will that take the egg as well?

- Oh, God! No! No!

No!

Goddamnit!

You've got one minute, Johnny.

For what?!

God's haemorrhoid, innit?

- Yes, OK. Right, we're on!
- OK.

Remember, it's all about the uplift.

Ready, steady...

Having lost my main balloons,
we're just going for a...

I believe, if there's any kind of--

Go!

To freedom, my pretty!

More, more!

That's it! That's it!

- Yes! YEEES!

You've got 30 seconds left.

Victory dance.

That's your time up.

Look at that.

That is greeeat!

I mean, to be fair,
"that is greeeat!"

Amazing, and so organised,
for a woman that we've,

just this show, we've seen just lazily
ramming a cow into a hedge.

So focused on this day.

I just... I saw those balloons and
I thought, "I can see this working."

And it worked.

Thank you.

I had a similar thought of,
"I can see these working."

And it didn't.

Oh, honestly, it's possibly one of the
most heartbreaking things in years.

When you were shouting at the ceiling,
it was like a still from Platoon.

Daisy's, though, 'cause it's the first
show of the series as well...

Daisy, incredible. I mean, amazing.

Do you want to see it again?
'Cause it was such a nice moment.

- I'd like to see it again.
- OK, here we go.

That's it!

Yes! YEEES!

Oh my God! You are kidding me!

That's just mean, showing her that.

Daisy, I'm going to give a bonus point...

- Thank you.
- ...for an incredible effort.

- Thank you very much.
- Well done, Daisy. Well done.

Thank you.

Quick look at the scores.

Alright, she got the egg nearest the pan,

which means one bonus point to her,

and the scores now look like this.

Seven, seven, seven, six, five.
We have three leaders.

- Wow, that's close.
- It is close.

OK, everyone. For the first time
in this low-scoring series,

please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!

- Hello!
- Hi, Greg!

Hello, everyone.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Who's gonna read out the task?

Richard Herring's gonna
read out the task.

Is he?

"Get the most balls in your bucket."

"At the end of the task, all the
balls in your bucket

must be the same colour
as each other."

"You will lose five points for every different-
coloured ball in your bucket."

"You may only touch your
litter-pickers,

and you must stay on your
spot at all times."

"You have 100 seconds."

Simple rules. Only touch litter-pickers,
please do not leave your spots.

At the end, I will go through to check
the balls are all the same colours.

They don't have to be the same
colours as your bucket,

just the same colours
as each other.

You have 100 seconds,
starting...

And we're off.

- Oh-ho, bold!

Please stay on your spot, Daisy!
Please stay on your spot.

Oh.

- Can you reach...?
- Who wants a yellow?

- No one?
- Oh, I do, I do!

I'll change you for an orange!

Who wants a red?

Well, you are meant to
be against each other.

- Oh, yeah.
- Who wants a red? Who needs a red?

I need a blue, if anyone's got one.

No, but I've got a spare yellow.

- Yellow? Daisy's getting yellow.
- Are you yellow, Daisy?

Yes, thanks.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

You're supposed to be b*ating
each other. Stop being nice!

Solidarity!

- You alright, Daisy?
- Yeah.

Oh, oh, there's one.
Oh, don't let him go!

Oh, why am I talking to
plastic balls?

Oh, f*ck it! Excuse me. Sorry.

Oh, there's another
one coming, Daisy.

I mean, this is just...

Oh, bugger!

- It's over! It's over.

- Mawaan.
- What?

- Johnny.
- Got no place else to go!

Right, we'll count those up and we'll
see how that's affected the scores.

- Please join me downstairs!
- This way, please.

- You alright, Alex?
- Oh, I loved that.

That was great fun.
What happened?

Well, I've got some numbers for you.

As you know, you lost five points
if you had any balls

a different colour to
other balls in your bucket.

I know, I was listening.

Only one of them had different-
coloured balls in their bucket.

That one. Katherine.

- Oh.
- Oh dear.

What did that mean for her,
points-wise?

- It meant she got -1.
- Ohh.

There was teamwork
amongst these two.

Yeah.

It did her favours.
She came second.

Whoa!

Aw, everybody was so
helpful and lovely, and...

You in particular were very kind.

It was only me next to you.
Was you seeing double?

Yeah, she got eight yellows
in her bucket.

Right.

Johnny, six orange ones.

- Mawaan, five orange ones.
- I swear it was more than that.

But the clear winner,
who gets five points,

is Richard, who got twelve yellow
balls in his bucket!

- What? Twelve!

Twelve yellow balls.

Working away like
a good little boy.

He was very industrious
over there, wasn't he?

- What a good boy. Well done.
- Thank you, daddy.

I just want you to be proud of me.

Daddy is pleased.

Well, you're gonna be
even more pleased.

Do you want to see the
final scoreboard?

Do I?

With 12 points, the little boy
is the little winner!

- Richard Herring!
- Little boy wins!

- Naughty little Richard. Well done.

Thank you.

Richard Herring wins. Please go and salivate over your mouth-worthy prizes!

At this point in the show, I usually look back
at something that's happened.

Something that humanity can
reflect on. Gain from, even.

In today's case, it's pretty easy.
What have we learnt today?

We've learnt that you can't
fill an egg with helium!

Thanks for watching. Well done
again to tonight's winner,

Richard Herring!