11x01 - It's Not Your Fault

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded
in accordance with

all social distancing guidelines
in place at the time of filming.

Yaow!
I just need to read that again.

Oh.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to a brand-new
series of Taskmaster.

People have accused me of having
a god complex on this show.

Well, I've got bad news for you -

I've talked to God
and he said, "You got dis."

And he's right - I do got dis.

And by "dis" I mean my
golden bonce of victory.

And to battle for it we have five
new gladiators,

all of whom have two things
in common.

They're happy to throw
away their careers.

- they can no longer back out

because they've signed a contract.

The audience are watching this at a
later date and at a safe distance,

so, without further ado,
let's meet the cast

and get this magnificent
competition under way.

Welcome, Charlotte Ritchie...
APPLAUSE

..Jamali Maddix,

Lee Mack,

Mike Wozniak

and Sarah Kendall.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,
a man who once told me

that he's got no respect
for the m*llitary

and if any soldier came up
to him in public

he could easily have them
because they're all stupid.

It's little Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE

Right, I'm chuffed to bits to
be here, Greg.

I'm chuffed to bits to have you here
again. I've got myself ready.

I've had my nails painted. Have you?
Yes.

Yeah, look there it is.

Little watercolour of my nails.

I didn't think you'd like that,

so I have actually had my real
nails painted as well, look.

I've got eyes on my thumbs,
so I can do that. Yeah.

Like that? That's nice, that.
Yeah?

No, it's nice, yeah. Right. Lovely.

So... let's cr*ck on.

Have you finished? OK, let's have
the first Prize Task

of the series, please.

Yes, each show, the competitors have
to bring in a prize

for the prize pot, according to that
episode's category,

and to start this series the
category is

The Best Thing You Can Carry,
But Only Just.

So, if it's either easy to carry
or completely impossible,

it's just not going to cut
the mustard with us.

So back off, son.

Greg will judge which one is best

and the owner will get
the maximum of five points.

At the end of the episode
the overall winner will barely

carry home all five things over
five cumbersome trips.

Hello, Charlotte. Hello.

Welcome to the show. Thank you.

So, what's the thing that you've
brought in

that is the best thing that you can
carry, but only just?

Um, all of my bedding.

There it is.
All Charlotte's bedding there, Greg.

So, all of it with me,
and it is the best thing

because it's one of the best things
I own. Spend half my time in it.

Why are you only just able to
carry this bedding?

Well... It's fairly light, isn't it?

It weighs kg,
or the same as a cat,

or a cat-sized dog.

Only just.

I didn't know it was about it being
almost impossible to carry.

Yeah. I would say it's not
almost impossible.

Did you know it was about it
being good?

LAUGHTER And a good prize.

We'll see, we'll see. I'm willing to
bet that that's going to...

I will be amazed
if that isn't in last place.

You can't bet on what
you're going to decide.

He can. I'll bet with you.
Will you? Yeah.

How much? £ . £ .

So, quid says that Charlotte
is going in last place.

OK. Jamali.

Can you be worse than bedding?

You're being very harsh with it.

I would say... Oh, oh,
you should strap yourself in.

Uh, my prize is a
slightly hot potato.

Here it is, the slightly hot potato.

Oh! I thought that was a metaphor.

I thought you meant it was
controversial!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it's just a slightly hot potato,
cos it's like, it's not too hot

where it's impossible to carry,
but it's slightly hot, so it's...

It's very good. It's like,
you've got to do this with it.

Sorry, Jamali. I'm just...

I'm just seeing if I've got
£ on me.

Lee Mack.

I have brought in something that
I can prove I can only just carry,

cos I took a photograph of it,
and I'm desperate to give this away.

Great. And it is, in fact,
my own children. Ah.

Now, it turns out, I'm not allowed
to give my children away.

Oh, that's a shame. They'd be a
great prize for any home.

So I figured, now, what I'll do is
I'll give away a representation

of my children instead.
These are his children.

Right? Ah. And I think...

If you look at those photographs
next to each other

you'll see how much effort has been
put into that.

Here we go. So good. It's uncanny,
to be honest with you.

I think it's a contender.
Thank you.

Michael Wozniak.

Um, uh, the thing I can carry,
but only just, is a tune.

Oh. Nice.

Now this - Duvet, and Potato Boy -

this is lateral thinking.

OK, well, here's the CD
on the screen.

This is what the winner is
going to get.

Mike has provided a backing track,
which I will play now.

JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS

♪ Facts about animals,
prawns are cannibals

♪ If there's an elephant in the room
then you're in the wrong room

♪ Cutting an earthworm in half
makes you a sadist

♪ I think it's worth repeating
that prawns eat their babies

♪ And monkeys eat monkeys,
but who gives a monkey's?

Monkeys.

♪ And if you squash a wasp,
it releases a chemical from the wasp

♪ That attracts people who tell you
facts about wasps. ♪

APPLAUSE

Ah, you CAN carry a tune.

You're a really good singer.
I dunno, Sarah.

It sounded fairly awful. Really?

And it was a sort of nightmarish
vision of nature.

They're absolute wrong'uns,
uh, prawns.

I'm just writing down "Prawns
are wrong'uns" and we'll move on.

OK. Sarah.

I was panicked looking for,
you know, prizes,

and then I saw a really big "road
closed" sign that looked very heavy.

I stole it
and I got it to an Uber

and then I Ubered it
over to the studio.

GREG CACKLES

Then Channel said,
"Uh, no, that's theft

"and we can't represent that
sort of behaviour on television."

So you haven't got a prize at all?

No, I did bring a prize.

I stole the bar fridge
from my dressing room.

Here it is. So it is a stolen item.

And, again, we will have to put
that back cos theft is still bad.

Yeah. Sorry can I just check,
is it just me

that's not got a mini bar
in my room?

All right, here we go.
Let's cr*ck on.

Last place... Last place.

Duvet. Aww. OK.
Sorry. No, it makes sense.

Second to last place, potato.

Two points for the hot potato.
Third to last place,

three points, mini fridge.

Three points for the stolen
fridge, Sarah.

Drum roll. If they were his real
kids he would've won,

but they're not his real kids.

But he still gets second place.
Four points to Lee Mack.

And I don't know why,
Wozniak's song takes it.

It's gut instinct.
Mike Wozniak gets five points.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's go.
First task proper, please, Alex.

OK, here we go.

Here it is.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Hi.

Good entrance.

I know. Got some swagger.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Mike.

Hello, Jamali. You good?

I'm not going to ask for permission
- I'm just going to open this one.

Do the most impressive thing under
this table with one hand.

You must be looking at the camera
and waving with your other hand

throughout your impressive thing.

OK, so it's going to be
my right hand,

cos this hand doesn't do anything.

You have minutes to
prepare for your impressive thing.

Then a minute in which to
do your impressive thing.

Your time starts now.

Thank you. Oh, it's a pleasure.

People don't often say thank you.

Clicking's not impressive, is it?

I could make something.

Um, I could cook something.

Can I use this? OK.

I don't know how many impressive
things I'm able to do

with two hands.

I've always wanted to do that thing
where you do that with a coin,

so maybe I'll have a go.
This might be the time.

Right.

I won't be needing that minutes.
Just let me prepare myself.

Ah.

Uh, excuse me. Back in a tick.

Am I allowed to watch
a video of someone doing it?

There might be a knack to it that
I'm just missing.

Yeah, you are giving
yourself seven minutes

to learn quite a difficult skill.

I could sketch your face.

Or I could do, like, um...

Like, the Golden Gate Bri...
I can't draw.

Oh, no.

What's wrong?
Well, it's just so good.

This has done
nothing for my confidence.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in. Hello.

I was just, uh, outside looking
for ideas but there weren't any.

There were no ideas outside? No.

APPLAUSE

Right, Charlotte said, "I'm going to
have to use my right hand..."

Hm. "..because this one doesn't
do anything." Yeah.

Hands are amazing, but this really
doesn't really do anything.

It's largely redundant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm grateful for it
but it doesn't do...

Um, I did want to ask you about
your chosen outfit.

What's the inspiration
behind your look?

I've written down "Middle
management, primary school."

That's pretty fair. Geography
teacher, do you know what I mean?

RAF reject. I'm not really sure.

But, I mean, they were quite cheap
and they were available,

and they cover the crucial bits.

Good. Let's cr*ck on.

OK, well, first up it's the hugely
successful comedian Lee Mack.

So, I'm going to attempt to make you
a feast using only one hand.

You'd better eat this.

Your time starts...

WHISTLE

Please wave, Lee. Argh...

Ah.

Keep waving, Lee.

Ah... Ah.

Can you keep me up to date
with the time please, Alex?

I don't know why I'm smiling

- doesn't even say it in the
instructions. seconds left.

It's not fair. It's not fair.
Bit more waving, please.

Sorry, sorry.

LEE GRUNTS

Hiya, hiya.

Where's it gone? Where's that bread
gone? You've got seconds.

Where's the bread gone?
Where's the bread gone?!

There was bread on there!

Oh, sh*t.

I've dropped everything!

You've only got seconds.

Ah, God! Hang on, where's me bread?

Ah, I'm looking at the camera.

WHISTLE

Lunch is served, sir.

APPLAUSE

Scrubbing it on.

What were you hoping the end
result would be?

I genuinely thought I would be able
to do something amazing.

That when it came up you'd be like,
"Wow, that is pretty impressive."

You kept using the word "feast".
Well, it's a feast, innit?

You can feast on it.
I admired your ambition. Thank you.

And the end result was rubbish.

Who's next?

OK, next, we're going to see
a Handy-podean, Sarah Kendall. Oh.

Your minute starts... WHISTLE

OK. Oh.

I've just broken it, I think.

OK.

Ah. OK, uh...

I can't find...
I don't know what that is.

Oh, yeah.

I can't... WHISTLE

OK. Thank you, Sarah.

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Pretty good. Thank you.

You're always going to score
highly for humiliating Alex Horne.

That's what I figured, and that was
the game that I was playing.

It's always going to work. Yeah.

Lovely, pretty lady.

Thank you.

Lovely compliments today.

Sarah, I think
it's an excellent attempt. Thanks.

OK, I need you to look away
for three minutes

so the adverts don't suck you into
their eternal vortex

of wasteful consumerism.

I said look away, talk to your kids!

They're lonely!

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back.
Where were we, Alex?

Before the break, the new cast were
tackling a one-handed task,

where one hand was under the table,
trying to do something impressive,

while the other one
was waving above it.

Next up, it's Charlotte Ritchie.

Did she manage to
rapidly develop a skill

that usually takes
years to master?

Let's find out.

OK.

I, er...

SHE EXHALES

Uh!

Don't panic!

SHE GIGGLES

OK.

I've still got
a gorgeous seconds.

I can't do it!

Ah!

Finished? Yeah.

Goodbye, Charlotte.
Thank you very much.

CHAIR SQUEAKS

Ooh!

The chair's laughing at me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Still convinced
it's just your left hand

that's not very good at doing stuff?

I think that was electric,
don't you?

I think if you saw it
out of context,

of knowing that you'd just learnt
it... OK.

..you'd be thrown out of
any theatre in the land, but...

I thought it was
absolutely brilliant.

Oh, Lee, thanks.
It was in slow motion, wasn't it?

It's called a coin walk.

It'd normally take hours
to perfect the coin walk.

Right. She took seven minutes
to learn it,

because she also spent two minutes
practising waving

with the other hand.

LAUGHTER

Jamali. Shall we?

Yeah, let's do it, man.
Let's watch Jamali Maddix.

PANPIPE MUSIC

Oh!

That was you and your guy, was it?

That was me.

Impressive.

There you go.
It WAS impressive, wasn't it?

Thank you, Jamali. Thank you.
Just, you know...

See you later. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

That was great.

Yeah, it's certainly
the best ever example

of a spinning a cushion on top of
a doll I've ever seen.

Can you spin a cushion?
Of course I can.

I don't think you can.
Do you not think?

I, I, I know it, cos I can hear the
hater in your tone, from jealousy.

I know you can't do it,
and that's what haters do,

if you can't do something...
I'm not... you sit on your chair,

that's been custom-made, and you
look down... I'm not a hater.

..on the little people. I'm not a...
And you know what?

We're not having it any more,
all right? Yeah, you!

Wearing black, looking slimming,
we get it, all right?

But you know what, yeah... It's not
looking THAT slimming, is it?

Yeah! I have to say I thought,
"Oh, I can do that",

and I tried to spin a cushion.
It's not an easy skill.

I don't think you'd be
able to do that. He can't.

No, it's impossible.
He wouldn't be able to do it.

As soon as one of my manservants
brings me it, we'll see, won't we?

Oh, OK. All right.

OK, it's the man, the myth,

the moustache, it's Mike Wozniak.

Yes, please.

Just got to, er, adjust...

Mm. Ah.

Not to worry.

I hadn't quite anticipated that.

Quite slippery.

Quite slippery trousers, as well.

OK. Take it away, Mike.

HE PLUCKS STRINGED INSTRUMENT

No.

HE CONTINUES TO PLUCK

MUSIC CONTINUES

HE PLAYS TASKMASTER THEME

HE STRUMS FINAL CHORD TUNELESSLY

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're the only person I know
who would play a balalaika

under a table,

and I wouldn't doubt for a second
that you arrived on set

with a balalaika.

Was that a tune?
Was than an actual...

That was intended to be
the Taskmaster theme tune...

Oh! ..but you really have to
dig into it to try and find it.

I thought it was Thunderstruck.

Oh, yeah.
I thought it was pretty good.

It felt like a horror film
in the Kremlin.

LAUGHTER

Horrified by that!
It's very haunting, isn't it?

It's a haunting sound,
and a haunting image.

Yeah. Are you ready to score?

I'm not going to give
anyone one point,

because, to some degree,
I was impressed by all of them.

OK.

I may review my next judgment,

if it proves that I can't spin
a pillow, but as things stand,

I'm going to give two points
to both Jamali and Charlotte.

Crumbs, wow, that is amazing.

I'm not going to clap that, that
was, that's bullshit. That's it.

I think it deserves more than that,
I'm sorry. Yeah, cool.

LAUGHTER

But if you can't spin a cushion,

he may go up in points,
and others may go down?

All right, I'll give him an extra
point. Just one extra point?

Yeah. I enjoyed the ambition,

but not the final product.

Yeah, but...
Three points for Lee.

Oh, come on! You're saying
THAT was more impressive

than the spinning the cushion?

Erm, it was a close run thing

but Sarah's beautiful lady
gets four points.

Four points. Yeah. OK, so there's
still five points to be won by...

Anyone who can learn the Taskmaster,
er, theme in that time,

and play it on a balalaika
under a table deserves five points.

Yeah. Mike Wozniak takes it.
Another five points.

APPLAUSE

Let's see an early scoreboard,
Alex, please.

Excitingly, these are also
the series scores,

Mike Wozniak's got
a full ten points!

Whoa.

APPLAUSE

Another one, please.

Absolutely,

and it's time to call pest control.

SQUEAKING

Hello, Jamali.

What's up?

You feeling all right?

Er, yeah I'm fine. How are you?

I'm OK.

Good.

How you feeling? Er, baffled.

You're baffled?

Just looking for the task.

RODEO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, OK.

Ah.

I don't like that tail.

No, no, no, no.

That's OK.

Ooh, that was good.

I like that.

LAUGHTER

Ah!

How are we doing?

OK.

Thank you.

Catch the rat. Oh, no!

Most ingenious
catching of the rat wins.

You must be at least three metres
from the rat when you catch it.

The rat will run over the red
green in minutes from now.

Ah.

I've already got an idea.

Give me your hand. Please.

Please give me your hand.

Ingenious, ingenious.

All right. Thanks. OK.

Uh, excuse me a moment.

I'm just gonna go
and have a mooch about.

Mike continuing
the theme of inhabiting

the body of a primary school
teacher.

"Gonna mooch around."

Are you, uh,
genuinely frightened of rats?

Um, huge, big ones like that, yes.
Huge, big, remote control ones?

Rats. Yeah. Yeah.
Let's have a look.

OK, we're gonna start with two
comedians called Sarah Kendall

and Lee Mack. Lovely.

How heavy's that bathtub?

Ooh.
Do you remember the game Mouse Trap?

Yes. Carry on.

So I'm assuming it's gonna come
from over there cos that's where

it left from. Suppose, if it's
a creature of habit.

Could you help me
turn the bath over, please?

Lift the bath, please, Alex.

Ah.

OK. Now we do a little test.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what, uh, rats like?
Peanut butter.

You ever had rats? I have.

Tennis ball. Cheese.

Right, I'm ready.

Come on! Cheese,
nice cheese, cheese balls.

Cheese balls.

Oh, he's thinking about it.

He's thinking about it.

Yeah, there you go.

APPLAUSE

That felt so good.

Now I wanna do it with
a real animal.

Eat the cheese, eat the cheese,
eat the cheese. Eat the cheese.

EXULTANT MUSIC PLAYS

Think you trapped the rat
with a bat.

And that's that.

Wow, well done!

Quite a classic Road Runner
style trap.

Yeah. I mean,
I can't get over how creative.

I got a blood lust in me where
I just wanted to trap the animal

and follow the rules. Yeah.

There was no fun attached to it.
There's no,

"Oh, we could get a cricket ball.

It was... And I think I know the
reason for that. What's that?

Because I saw
a sort of fear in your eyes

when you recounted the fact
when you said, "You ever had rats?"

Yeah, I had a flashback. I have.

Yeah, I went to another place.

She was very efficient. She set the
rat trap in four minutes.

And do rats like peanut butter?

Yes, city rats very much like me,
they eat garbage and meat.

Lovely.
And that includes peanut butter.

It was trap the rat in...?

In the most practical
and ingenious fashion.

"Ingenious fashion." Oh...

I don't know how ingenious it was.
It was effective though.

But I did have a bit
advantage in that I also have had an

infestation of rats at my house and
that is exactly how we caught them.

Really nice.
I mean, it did work first time.

He set it up, there was
no tinkering with the plan.

There was none.
It came out fully formed.

And it was a lovely stroke.

I don't know if you're a cricketer.

Thank you. No, I followed through.
That's the secret.

Two parts to go until someone wins
Jamali Maddix's lukewarm potato.

Whoo!

See you again soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome
back to Taskmaster.

Alex, please, drape yourself over
the throne in a way that you

consider sexy and update everyone on
what was going on before the break.

Before the break.

Hello.

The big brave contestants were
trying to catch a rat with a trap.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Yeah? No, no, no.

Now it's the turn of the
hairy guys, Mike and Jamali.

All right, what's...

I'm going to do something
with this in it.

I don't know why,
but this seems like...

OK. OK.

It's going to be a multi-level trap.

Is it?
It has multi dimensions to it.

What am I doing?
All right, that's not working.

All right.

Made a pig's ear of it.

If you could try and get the holes
in the holes,

do you know what I'm saying?

Pull it, pull it.

Ah.

It's all right,
don't worry about that.

I'm going to move on to phase
B soon.

How many phases are there?
I think, two.

Then it's action time.

All right.

Haven't got a spare piece of
cheese on you, have you, Alex,

by any chance? Cheese?

It's not really spare.
It'd be my piece of cheese.

I'll owe you a piece of cheese.

Honestly? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm ready for the rat.

OK.

LAUGHTER

I think you trapped the rat.
I've trapped it all right.

He's not in the bucket,
but he ain't going anywhere.

Do you have, like,
green screen stuff?

Oh, we can edit this, yeah. Yeah?

Edit out my hand.

APPLAUSE

Ready? Yes.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, well, yeah.

I have no defence, I'm sorry.

I mean, it's one of the worst
things I've ever seen

on series of the show.

But I mean, I was worried for you
right at the very beginning

when you got some wheels
and went, "Yeah.

"I think I know what I..."
LAUGHTER

"I think I know what I've
got planned."

You then knocked a ball through
a draining pipe and expected us

to green screen it for you.

Well, I mean, if you look
at the footage,

you can't actually see my
hand doing it so.

No. I don't know what you're
talking about, mate.

Rubbish. So rubbish, Jamali.

Yeah.

I want ...want to be combative
with you, but you're right.

Right, Wozniak.

Incredible work.

It seems to me
that you're inhabiting

the body of an 's sitcom man.
With every video that goes past,

it looks like Richard Briers has
been brought back to life.

Maybe that's what it was just
being channelled, I don't know.

I was just blinded
by the spectacle of it.

Well, he was hiding behind
bins with some branches.

Yeah, I didn't even know
he was behind that.

Because of the branches? Yeah.

OK, it's time for the turn
of Charlotte Rat-chie.

"THIS WAY FOR CHEESE.

"All rats welcome."

In case they thought only some were.
Yeah, you never know.

OK.

I'm just finding the... the
breathing hole.

Yeah.

If everything's gone according to
plan, I should be completely hidden.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's not going to know
what's hit it.

OK.

Do you want me to put this here?
Yes, please.

Thank you.

Good luck.

This is terrifying.

APPLAUSE

Have you got the rat?
I think so.

One rat.

Thank you, Charlotte. Thank you.

Ingenious. Uh, didn't the rules say
you had to be off the green,

though, by, like, three metres or
something? Wasn't that in the rules?

Yeah. It did hint at that in the
rules. I mean, I don't want to be...

I was ...was going to
dramatically reveal that.

Oh, sorry, sorry, mate.

Ingenious. I could take issue with
the idea that the rat could

read your sign, "This way, rat.".
That is, yeah.

Sure, if I was being pedantic,
but it's a remote control rat,

so let's not be... Right. Yeah.
..pernickety.

I mean, I thought it was amazing

and I can tell you now it would
be getting five sweet points

cos I thought it was the
most ingenious thing.

So no points to Charlotte.
No points to Charlotte.

Literally none? I'm sorry, OK, yeah.
Um... Fine.

One point to Jamali,
his was rubbish.

Right. Yeah, fair enough.

I mean, uh, yeah, all right.
So one point to Jamali

and then we're jumping up
to three, are we now?

Yeah, it's tricky.
I think, as a team...

If only we could've collaborated.

..if only you could have
collaborated.

Sarah and Mike. I'm going to give
them both three points.

Three points to Sarah,
three points to Mike.

Yeah, and you've got
to give it to him.

It was a... it was a lovely stroke.

It trapped the rat
and it was ingenious.

I'm going to give him five points.

Five points to Lee Mack's rat
trap. Thank you.

I think I'll take the five
points, thank you.

Let's have another one.

This one involves some dangerous
table service outside

an aircraft hangar.

Hey, Alex.

You're ready for anything.

I never know with this show though.

The task could be go to
sleep for minutes.

How do you feel?

I feel bold as brass in this get-up.

Hello, Lee. Alex.

Think it's the coolest
you've looked so far. Thank you.

Hiya. Oh, hiya.

"Deliver all the plates to Alex."

"When carrying the plates, you
must travel by scooter..."

"..or bicycle or hoverboard."

"For every plate fallen or broken,

"you will have minutes
added to your time."

"Fastest wins.

"You may start moving plates
in three minutes from now."

Yeah, you've got three minutes to
test out the equipment, if you want
to. Yeah, yeah.

Finally, the costume has
come in handy.

That's it, off you go.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Whee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

Whoa.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho.

Pretty cool.

Do you mind me asking,
are you an only child? No.

Another classic
Greg Davies chat-up line.

Why do you ask, Greg?

It was just that narrating
your own play time

broke my heart a little bit.
"Whoa.".

Oh, my gosh, honestly.

I can't believe I was having
so much fun like.

It's really sweet, Charlotte.
Well, thanks.

When I was a kid, there was a bloke
who decided, one day,

that for the rest of his life,

he would wear full dinner
dress everywhere he went.

His name was Scooby, RIP.

Anyway, I think if Scooby was still
alive and he was standing next

to me and you went by in your
outfit,

he'd nudge me and go, "Poor bloke.".
LAUGHTER

Yeah. Tragic.

I loved it with the cape
flapping in the wind.

It's an incredible image. Yeah.

Um, shall we see some stuff?

OK, so it's tables, -minute
penalty for each plate smashed.

Now just like what a yuppy had
for breakfast in the ' s,

it's Jam and Charlie.

LAUGHTER

You can start moving plates
in three seconds.

..two, one. WHISTLE BLOWS

OK.

SMASH

APPLAUSE

Hi, Charlotte. Hiya.

Whee.

Oh, whee.

That's...

Oh, gosh.

minutes, is it?

Did you drop it?

All righty.

There you go.

Ooh.

Thank you for the plates, Charlotte.

Are they all there?
They're all there.

Well, no, some... One table's gone.

Ah. But this is one table.

Right. Good?

Yes, you can go now. Done.
Thank you, Jamali, bye-bye.

It's absolutely mystifying, Jamali.

I just didn't tie it properly at the
bottom, that was the only problem.

You think that your bum papoose
would've worked otherwise?

I was trying to do, like, what
ladies do in the motherland

with babies, where
they tie it around themselves but

I just didn't get... So I think if
it was a baby...

Yeah, well, mercifully, there wasn't
a baby in there of course.

Well, nine babies smashed on
the car park. Nine smashed babies.

You don't want that. No, not...
You don't want that on your CV.

Not on primetime TV, no.

No. Charlotte. Hmm.

Two whees, one wa-hoo and one oh.

I mean, uh, I did it and I had fun,
so what more can you ask for?

You looked like you were
having a lot of fun.

You could just send me on miles
and I would laugh the whole way.

I did it recently.

I took one out and I was, like,
I couldn't stop laughing.

Ah, I'm thinking about it now.

LAUGHTER

Jamali was eight minutes even
without the smashing cos he,

he went back to double bum
papoose the second lot.

So eight minutes plus the
minutes penalty for the nine plates.

So incredibly, even though Charlotte
did the plates two at a time

she was three hours, two minutes
and seconds faster than Jamali.

Wow. Even though she went very
slowly.

I think it's fair to say the bum
papoose has been a failure.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes you've got to fail to
succeed in life, innit? Mm, mm.

You live and learn.
That's what Edison said.

Well, mercy me.

It's the end of three, just time to
pop round to your neighbour's

house and tell them
you've never liked them.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello, we're back.

I said we would be! You did.

You're reliable and girthy.

In a great way.

Before the break, they were trying
to deliver some plates to a table

via some trendy transport.

Now, with two names that were

popular in the ' s,
it's Lee and Sarah.

You can start collecting plates.
WHISTLE BLOWS

OK.

Ooh... wow, they're heavy.

Hi, Sarah. Hi.

You've brought me my plates.
Yeah. Thank you.

Am I doing this wrong?

HE GRUNTS LOUDLY

Come on! Get in!

HE STRAINS Gosh, that's heavy!

LOUD STRAINING CONTINUES

Ahh!

Stop the clock!

All right.

Bollocks.

Thank you for the plates.

Thank you FOR the plates.
All safely delivered?

I mean, life's for living, right?

I've stopped the clock. Yes.

I should've done the whole
table the first time.

Would I get a bonus point if
I manage to juggle three?

I'm going to say "yes".

That didn't happen. Thank you, Lee.

Lovely. APPLAUSE

There's a marked contrast where...
you often attempt the wheel skid

as you arrive at a table.
That's right. Very exciting.

And then, the rest of the time,
you looked like you were going

at the pace of a little old lady.

What I found really depressing
about it is that I know

I'm being visually boring,
so I'm trying to zhuzz it up

by putting my foot out occasionally.

Oh, come on, you shouted
"life's for living".

Yeah, because I knew that
I was boring the crew senseless.

LAUGHTER

And what you've done cleverly is
put me next to Lee in the edit,

so you can see what showman -

he's juggling plates,
he's got a cape on. Yeah.

He's put some thought into it.

Yeah, it's a pretty cruel
juxtaposition. It's nasty.

Old, er, swag-and-bag worked out
a treat, though, didn't it? Yeah.

I didn't shout out
"life's for living".

You didn't need to.
The crew shouted it.

LAUGHTER

Again and again, and again.
Again and again, and again. Yeah.

For the rest of that day.

We're going to take those
minutes off, though, cos he...

No, no, let's get
something straight here.

You said, "Bing them to the table".
I brought them to the table.

End of task -
oh, they've fallen out of the thing.

And what happens if we say
those two plates count?

Then he'll come second-last
with a time of minutes, .

Well, I think this has got to be
properly debated amongst the group.

I agree with you guys,
I think Lee's wrong,

and I think he smashed a plate
before the time ended.

That's what I think. I think he's
second-last material, mate. Yeah.

Come down to the bottom
with me, innit?

LAUGHTER Who is the final contestant?

It's Mr Mike Wosniak.
Mike Wosniak!

Go.

OK. I imagined this
to move faster, but it...

..it might be sensing my
creeping sense of dread.

Go.

OK.

Okey dokey.

OK.

Come on.

Here we go. Ooh, hello!

Look at that.

Something's happening.

Are you operating this remotely?

HE GROANS

OK.

Come on, baby.

Come on. Mush...

APPLAUSE

Mush, mush, mush.

Mush, mush.

Mush!

Tick tock. That's it.

Tick tock.

Tick tock, always against the clock.

Whoa.

APPLAUSE Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

I'm so soggy...
I'll go and do all that.

Yeah. It's not your fault.
Thanks. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Has there ever been
a more stark juxtaposition

than you on that scooter
in front of a jet?

LAUGHTER

In my head, that whole thing
lasted about - seconds.

Have you used one before?
No, I've never...

Of course he hasn't! I'm sorry!

I actually thought it was...
That's why I couldn't resist.

Do you know right at the end
of that, Mike pointed out

that he was soaking wet
because of the rain?

And then, he paused, looked back
and went, "It's not your fault".

I think you could be eaten
by a tiger, and you'd say,

"It's not your fault."
It's just instinct.

"You're a carnivore." LAUGHTER

He did it in minutes
and seconds. Oh, wow! Wow.

Sarah, minutes, seconds.

Charlotte, minutes, .

Jamali, minutes
because of the smashed plates.

So, it's whether Lee comes
first or fourth.

Listen, I don't think,
in Taskmaster history,

I've ever put a decision onto you -
but I'm going to.

Well, if rules are rules,
then I think Lee has to win

because he delivered unbroken
plates in minute, .

There you go. It's done.
APPLAUSE

So, it's point to Jamali,
points to Charlotte,

to Mike, to Sarah,

but points to Lee Mack,
the reckless man! Lovely.

APPLAUSE

Quick look at the scoreboard.

Er, before that, we might need
a quick look in your drawer.

I've put something in it
during the break.

Oh.

I see.

You promised Jamali one point...
Oh, yeah.

..if you are able to
spin the pillow.

So, how many attempts do you get?

Three? OK. Go on, three attempts.

LAUGHTER

OK. That's one.
I'm building the tension.

Yeah, yeah, build it up.
I threw that one. Yeah - ooh!

And that... and that one.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, oh, oh. AUDIENCE OOHS

- All right. I can't spin a pillow.
- That is poor.

Ooh, you didn't do that.
This is proper. Oh!

That is proper. He folds it in half.
Yeah, and then, you... Wow.

CHEERING Look at that.

Now to the other hand!
To the other hand!

Hooray! That's it. CHEERING

So, that is one bonus point
for Jamali!

APPLAUSE Ah, well done, Jamali.

Can we have a quick look
at the scoreboards, please?

Yes, it's made all the difference
cos Jamali's now got points,

Mike and Lee have both got !

It's all to play for.

Will you please head to the stage,
for the first time this series,

for the final task of the show?

APPLAUSE

Yes! Yes.

Who will be reading the task out?

I would like Lee Mack
to read the task out.

Please read it!

"Stack your buckets so that
they are taller than you.

"Then put one beanbag
on top of the buckets.

"You may not leave your spot
at any point. Fastest wins."

Does everyone understand the rules?

Stack it so it's taller than me,
then put a beanbag on top. Yeah.

Well, why have we got five beanbags?

It's up to you how you use those
beanbags, but one must go on top.

That'll do. When you've finished,

please put your hand on your hips
for two seconds.

You can start stacking
when I blow my whistle.

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, my God.

That's it, it's happening.

Stay on your spot, Lee!
Oh, he's left his spot!

Stay on your spot!
I had to get it back!

You MUST stay on your spots.

Very important.

Are you enjoying the task, Greg?

It's electric!

Very calm from Jamali.

Who do you think's going to win,
Greg?

Whoa! Oh!

This is what we want.

You can't use them all up, though.

That is a not a wise use
of a beanbag.

He's gone early with beanbags.
This is a...

THEY LAUGH

I mean, I had you in the corner
of... I'm messing with it!

I mean, that was...

Ohh, lovely!

Ah! A lovely strike. APPLAUSE

He's too good!
Go and f*ck up the big one!

Use the bucket
and kick up Mike's one.

- We've got a chance over there, Greg.
- It's a bit tense.

Ah!

I'm on the spot! Oh!

I'm on the spot!

I've got it, I've got it!

She did it, Sarah Kendall takes it!

We'll check the clock,
we will check the clock.

Can I go higher than me?

We have somebody who thinks
they've finished.

Oh! She hasn't.

Leave it. Stack the buckets.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, guys!

Five, four, three...

..two, one, it's over!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Right. Put your buckets down.

Come and join me down here,

and we'll see how that's affected
the final scores.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back. Ah, thanks, Greg.

Er, I was talking to them.
Oh. Thanks, Greg.

Well, after all that chaos...

.. points to Charlotte.
Thank you.

points to Jamali. Yeah.

to Lee. to Mike.

Sarah stacked the buckets.

She put the beanbag on top,
she put her hands on her hips...

..but it fell... Ah.

..two seconds after she did it,
and three frames. Woohoo.

So, points to Sarah Kendall!
points to Sarah Kendall.

APPLAUSE See,
following the rules can be fun.

Lee and Mike were in the lead
with , but now the leader

with points and the winner,
in fact, is Sarah Kendall!

CHEERING

Who would've thought it? Not me.

Sarah Kendall wins.

Please go and cash in
on your carriable collection!

Whoo! Wow. APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that
if you're a new parent,

you're struggling to get
your child to sleep,

why not book Sarah Kendall
to bring some plates round?

The whole house will be
fast asleep in seconds.

And yet, she comes out
on top tonight.

So, let's hear it for our winner,
Sarah Kendall!