11x02 - The Lure of the Treacle Puppies

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded
in accordance with all social

distancing guidelines in place
at the time of filming.

Yow! I just need to read that again.

Oh.

APPLAUSE

Hello! I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to the Taskmaster Academy.

At this educational establishment,

we teach our pupils problem-solving,
cunning, and how to endure ridicule.

At the end of the course,
four of them will have destroyed

their careers and will never work
in television again.

And one lucky winner will
have my golden trophy.

And also will have destroyed
their career,

and will never work in
television again.

It's like life -

cruel and without meaning.

We have an audience watching this
in the cinema down the road,

so let's cr*ck on and
meet our five contestants.

They are Charlotte Ritchie...
CHEERING

..Jamali Maddix... CHEERING

..Lee Mack, Mike Wozniak...
CHEERING

..and Sarah Kendall.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who,
like an obedient pup,

responds instantly and
affectionately to all my commands.

And, like an obedient pup,

enjoys lapping away at his own mess.

It's little Alex Horne!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hey, guys. All right, you dirty boy?

Riddle me this. Ooh.

What, am I?

I'm small,
and yet I can fly, and you...

Are you a fly?

LAUGHTER Quite a bit more.

My first is in flock,
but not in pizza.

Are you a fly? My second I've...

The wetter I get,
the more I weigh.

I'm a small inse... I'm a fly.

Yeah.

Let's cr*ck on. Prize Task time.

You know it.

And this week, the category
is the best drinking vessel.

You know it.

You'll judge the best drinking
vessel, Greg, and that person

will start the show with
five healthy points.

At the end of the show,
the person with the most points

will take home all five drinking
vessels and finally be able to have

a few people over for some drinks.

All right, then.

Michael Wozniak.

I made a cup. What? ALEX GASPS

It was my first try at
w-wood w-whittling.

Wood whittling? Wood whittling.

Not all of the wound
are healed fully.

The intention was a, sort of,
kind of, oriental soup thing.

It ended up somewhere between
that and a... love spoon.

There's the love spoon. Wow.

Oh, wow. Erm, the face,
as you can clearly see,

is your face.

Erm, the blood has been sanded off.

You should've been wearing
a little leather thimble.

LAUGHTER

I've not got children, as you know.

But if I had a seven-year-old
and they brought that back,

I'd probably look to give
them support.

LAUGHTER

I'd probably...
And a -year-old man?

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Are you counting it as a
drinking vessel, Greg?

I suppose you can drink
out of anything, can't you?

Oh, so they could've brought
in anything? Not a sieve.

Eh? Not a sieve. Yeah, you can
probably get the meniscus around

the edge of the sieve.

If you're quick, yeah. LAUGHTER

Erm, Sarah. Yes. Can you b*at that?

I... well, I mean, when you said,

"If I had a seven-year-old who had
brought home something like" -

which is really a good springboard
into, er, my daughter had done

pottery at school, and it was a cup.

There it is. Wow.

Erm, not... LAUGHTER

So remember, the category is
the best drinking vessel.

I mean, the thing is, it doesn't
fulfil any of the functions

of a cup, but I've just gone
for razzle-dazzle here.

Listen. After the last episode,
you were right to up the showbiz.

You've really brought Broadway
to the show. Thank you.

And Jamali,
can you b*at either of those?

Yeah, I mean, I just went by
the rules of the show, and...

Can I say something?

Your tone suggests
this is going to be rubbish.

I don't think it's rubbish,
I just brought a plastic cup.

Yup, you just brought a plastic cup.

Yeah! Non-biodegradable,
non-recyclable,

just good old-fashioned plastic.

SNICKERING

You saw what happened last episode

when Sarah was riding around really
slowly, right? Yeah. Yeah, OK.

But she won the last episode.

Ahh. Like, I just decided
I want to win now.

I'm sick of trying to be like,

"Oh, I'll bring in a shoe
that sings."

I'm not doing that sh*t no more.

I know what show you're doing,
it's that whimsy, and ahh,

it's, "Oh, look, it's a vessel,"
and all this sh*t.

I ain't doing it no more, all right?

Plastic cup, non-recyclable,
that's what you're getting.

OK, so you're going to play this
absolutely down to that?

Just right down the barrel now.
OK. I'm done.

If you win the series
based on this technique,

it's going to be a hollow crown.
LAUGHTER

Lee.

Erm, I went for a "money can't buy"
bit of razzmatazz.

It's Simon Cowell's mug.

Here it is. Mm. Simon.
A mug off his table... Mm.

..of Britain's Got Talent.

And it's unfortunate, cos we keep
giving it to the tree surgeon

who's called Simon. Yeah.

I think he thinks it's a nice touch.

And we keep, "Oh, I forgot to say
that it's not for him,"

and it's happened two or three
times. Just let Simon have it.

I know. How often do you need
a tree surgeon?

You know, I mean, annually.

You get them pollarded annually,
yeah? Not just me, is it?

Pollarded? Pollarded, yeah.

You're not going to be
allowed back up north.

LAUGHTER

OK, Charlotte. OK.

So, I've got a tankard, basically.

I do believe that it's the best
thing you can drink out of. Ooh.

It's my grandad's.

And underneath, it's glass.

I can show you the glass bottom.

Ooh. And what's cool about that is
that the reason it had glass bottoms

is because, in the th century,
the Navy used to drop a king

shilling into people's pints so that
when they drank it and picked it up,

they'd be like, "What's this?"

And they'd be conscripted into
the Navy - so they designed glass

underneath so people could check
their pints to check that they

weren't going to be conscripted
to the Navy for, like, years.

Huh. It's a good prize.

♪ It's a good prize... #
You'd want it. You'd want it.

ALL: # It's a good prize,
It's a good prize

♪ It's a good prize...

♪ Actually added historical
information... ♪

LAUGHTER

Points, then, Greg, please?

Sorry, Jamali.

One point. It's a plastic cup.

Second-worst, you know, at the
end of the day,

I have to give you my reaction

as to the mug that I want least in
my house. OK. Yeah.

Well, it's Simon Cowell's mug.
Two points. Erm...

Just because I'm presuming that in
three years,

there's been a dramatic
improvement in her talent,

I'll give your daughter three
points. Fantastic.

Unbelievably, for one of the worst
things I've ever seen in my life,

I'm giving you points.

I think cos I feel sorry for you.

And, er... Thank you.

..the beautiful grandad tankard
takes it. Yeah. Comfortably.

I'm so chuffed with that. points.

points to Charlotte Ritchie.
I have judged!

APPLAUSE OK, task proper, please, Alex.

HIGH-PITCHED: Certainly. Here we go.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Mike!

Lovely day. It is, isn't it?

LEE SIGHS

Good day. Yeah.

Were you just saying "good day"?

I was trying it out, yeah. Yeah?

Didn't feel great.

"Make that balloon hover
untethered for seconds."

What balloon?

"During the hovering,

"the top of the balloon must
not be higher than your chin."

"And the bottom of the balloon
must not be lower than your waist."

MIKE: "Also, you must sneer
throughout the seconds."

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

All right.

LEE: First question is...
where's this balloon?

I reckon you can almost hear it.

I can almost hear the balloon?

I think if you listen carefully.

Eee... ba, ba, ba, ba, ba... eee!

Right.

How do I get it down?

Right.

Make that balloon....

Oh, it's there!

I genuinely - has that been
there the whole time,

or did someone just do that?

That's been a foot away
from your head throughout.

That's incredible.
It nearly hit you twice.

I can't...

Right.

Well, do I untie it?

It's up to you. Mm.

There are scissors inside.
Yeah! That's a good idea.

Right. I want to establish
two things.

One, Charlotte Ritchie can't get
a balloon off a clothesline.

No, she can't. Two, Lee Mack
hasn't got peripheral vision.

He has not. Right, let's cr*ck on.

OK, so they had to make
the balloon hover,

and they had to sneer throughout.

The most famous sneer of all time
is, of course, Cyril Sneer,

who is a pink aardvark.

We're going to see Charlotte,
Ritchie, Lee, and Mack first of all.

Good luck!

Right, so...

Oh, OK.

It's helium. It's helium.

Right.

Oh! It's helium.

What I need to do is find
a weight that is perfect.

Not too heavy, not too light.

No, that's too heavy.

I'm not sure this is doing anything.

Is that untethered? Yeah.

Oh. Geez.

I'll try this sponge.

That sponge might be just
about the right...

Not bad. It's close, that, innit?

Is that untethered?

Is it hovering? Yeah.

Is it? Yeah.

Is it? OK.

Right. Ohh.

I don't know how to do this.

I can see that.

Oh, you bugger!

Oh, you... bastard!

Oh-ho-ho, God!

There must be another one.

Don't tell me that's it.

That's it, Lee. Oh, come on!

Is it definitely gone?
Yeah, that's gone.

What do you mean, "Is it gone?"

What, you mean that balloon full
of helium that flew to the sky?

Yeah, don't think
I'm getting that back.

Think that's gone. OK. OK.

Thank you, Charlotte.

Gutted. Absolutely gutted.

Ah. Bewildered old man.

LAUGHTER

His logic was great, though.
The weight logic. Yeah.

Would've worked a treat,
wouldn't it?

That blew my mind, when I saw that.

I genuinely thought,
"There's no way that's possible."

That must've been the whole point of
it, was for it to fly up in the air.

You thought the point of the task
was to fail?

Well, it just wasn't possible, yeah.

Oh. Of course it's possible!

Lee showed an example of how
it's possible. Of course it is.

I was a bit intrigued.

You decided on the old static
electricity trick from school. Yeah.

And then, you realised
it was helium. Yeah.

And then, you knew you had to
come up with a new system. Yeah.

And you went straight back
to the old system.

LAUGHTER

OK. It's the end of part one.

Snack time!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone. Welcome back
to the second part

of tonight's Taskmaster
presentation.

Wasn't there some form of balloon
buffoonery going on, young Alex?

God, yeah.

Charlotte and Lee's helium-filled
balloons have sadly gone AWOL,

so now it's over to Jamali and Sarah
to try and make their balloons

hover untethered for seconds
while sneering.

See? It's above my...

Is it tethered? No.

What's... what's holding it down?
Me.

That's not going to work.

Just letting go of it.

CRANKING

SAWING

If I go into, like, an airless area.

Oh, I touched it. I touched it.

VIGOROUS RUBBING

You all right in there, Jama...
Oh. Yeah? Hello.

How do you create static
on the balloon? Is it rubbing it?

Static? Yeah, I tend to rub it.

You need the right material.

What material is it?

Like a woolly jumper.
You got a woolly jumper?

I can get you a woolly jumper. Can
you get me a woolly jumper, please?

Who's timing this?
Who do you want to time it? You.

Ah, no, no. I'm going to start
again. That was three seconds.

That was three? Yeah.

Got you a woolly jumper. Thank you.

Now, does this count? Because it's
not tethered, it's lodged.

Is it hovering? Yeah.

If we're being technical,
that's hovering.

That's hovering, is it?
Technically.

Is that going to be...?
No, it's...

Oh!

It's still warm. Did you take it off
someone's back? Yes. OK.

It's still, like, warm.
Yeah. They were warm.

Right, why don't we go inside?

This is better. It's already better.

I just had a thought. Uh-huh?

What about static electricity?
Is that hovering?

It's going to be up to you to
argue it in the studio. I can't...

Oh, I won't be able to take on Greg.
He's awful.

Oh, so I should start now?

OK, uh... one, yeah?

Are you sneering at the camera?

You keep sneering.

There you go.

You reckon that was hovering?
That was hovering. Yeah?

Do you not think that was hovering?
It's not important what I think.

So what's your job?
What's your job, then?

I don't understand. I thought. I'm
the Task... Taskmaster's assistant.

Yeah, but as the assistant, you
would know what the thing would...

Yeah. I'm not allowed
to have an opinion.

All right.

I measure things.
It's not a bad gig.

Is that seconds?

Alex? Are you going to call it?

Oh, sorry, I thought you were going
to call it. That's seconds.

It just seems to me, as we go on,

when you get set unusual tasks to
do, you're sort of baffled.

You were quite confused by what
I was doing there.

You sort of ask him a simple
question, he goes,

"Well, look, I don't know."

It's your job, mate. Yeah.

What's your job, then?
I'm to help him, not to help you.

You've got a bit more aggressive

now you're sitting next to Greg,
innit? I feel more confident. OK.

Um, so your tactic was to go into an
airless,

I quote, airless environment.

It's the famous
airlock that is the shed.

Honestly, this? Yeah?
This movement. Yeah?

It made your daughter's
pottery look competent.

Well, now it's explained.
I have to say, I think

you're being harsh, cos that seemed
to work for a second. Yeah.

The helium against the waft.
You just have to have a lot of waft.

Well, I tried that with the leaf
blower,

but I couldn't go at the same pace
as a leaf blower. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's too much waft.

Sarah did it in minutes
and seconds...

Yeah? Sounds like me... whereas
Jamali did it

in four minutes and seconds.
Nice.

And technically, as he kept saying,
it hovered.

Well done. Right, what's next?

Finally, he's lithe, he's blithe,
and he looks good in ties.

It's Mike Wozniak.

Will you excuse me a minute?

Far too many. Crazy choice.

Hiya.

So I'm just trying to make it
sort of a little weight.

It's not tethered.

OK, let's go.

Sneering.

Oh, you little...

I don't think that was seconds.

Uh, one of your little laundry
pegs is on that.

I'm still sneering.

I think arguably that's
a lost cause.

All right, then.

Oh! Oh...

HE GRUNTS

HE THUDS

Ah!

There you are.

Got your balloon back?

One sneery-sneery,
two sneery-sneery,

three sneery-sneery, four
sneery-sneery, five sneery-sneery...

.. sneery-sneery.

Well, thank you.

I'm very happy
I got your balloon back, Alex.

Wouldn't want you to lose that.

In case you need it.

Thanks. Thank you, Mike.

I mean, even in victory, when you
stepped out of that phone booth,

you looked like a head of department
from a local council

who'd just been fired.

Talk us through the initial
sort of Greek dance.

Greek dance? The...

It was hovering over a certain
area, so I'm trying to

sort of keep the ascribed area in
the right sort of zone. Yeah.

And I... It wasn't an intent... This
just...

It's not a real plan, it's just...

I enjoyed your balloon dance. Thank
you.

And then up it went.

And then up it went, and this is
where it gets interesting, because

the two other contestants whose
balloon flew away just let them go.

But not Mike Wozniak.
Never let it go.

That spirit of the Blitz mentality.
That's right.

No-one has ever hopped over
that fence before.

Never looked over it. We've never
had a fence hop.

How do you feel about that?

I felt good, and I was thrilled
when I got over the side,

that it was just earth.

It was really sort of about halfway
through the job

that I didn't really
know what was on the bottom.

It could have been a mine shaft.
It could have been.

That would be one
hell of an ending to a dance.

Incredible. So he's got to have
rocked it.

He wasn't as quick as Jamali.
He did spend quite a long time

chasing a balloon across a golf
course.

Oh, yeah, he jumped over the fence.
Yeah. Yeah.

So Jamali took four minutes ,
Mike eight minutes.

So just to recap,
it's zero points to Lee

and Charlotte, Sarah gets three,
then we've got Mike gets

four points, but the winner with
five points is Jamali.

Hey!

Can we have a look at a scoreboard?
I have you a scoreboard.

Lee is in last place with two, Mike
is in first place with eight points.

Another one, then. Come on, chop,
chop. OK.

Well, guess what? It's team task
time,

and what better way to begin
the bonding than with a lovely spat?

Hello, Jamali. How are you doing?
I'm good.

Hello, Alex. Hi, Mike.

Are you OK with heights?
This sort of height? Yes.

Yeah, this sort of height's OK.
Yeah.

You have any phobias? Rats.

And foam. Foam?

Yeah, like dry foam.

You know like when you're washing
dishes, you know the sponge?

No, sponge. Not foam, like, sponge.
So cross out foam?

Yeah, so cross out foam. Write
sponge. Like, dry sponge.

And you're fine with flannels? Good
with flannels.

Um, can I get the task?

No, you can't.
You're not allowed off the box.

Can you pass it to me, then?
Not yet. OK.

Hey!

Hey, what's up? Long time. How are
you? I'm good, how you been?

Oh! Hello. Oh, hello.

Lee, please open the task.
There's the task.

You're not allowed off your box.

Do you have a belt?
No, you don't have a belt.

I have my coat.

And then, uh, shoes and laces.

That's going to give us a bit of.
Oh, damn. Distance.

I've tied it in this type of knot so
you can tie something easier to it.

Nice.

And there's... You don't think
there's an easier way?

Hiya. Hey, what's up? Hi. Oh.

Hi. Nice to meet you, I'm Jamali.
I'm Charlotte. I'm Sarah.

My shoe don't have no laces no more.

Have an argument. You must take it
in terms to angrily make a point

using no more than ten words,

and you must always end your point
with a different four-letter word.

You must look at each
other throughout the argument and

the person speaking must angrily wag
their finger during their speech.

The argument is over when there
is ten seconds of silence,

or when one of you looks away.

Longest argument wins.

Your argument must begin three
minutes from now.

Is there anything in particular
you'd like to argue about?

Because you look
so amenable and nice.

Well, let's... I don't know. That's
the sort of image I try to project.

You know? Yeah. I mean, underneath
it all,

I might be a nasty piece of work.
Yes.

But the last word has got to
be four letters. Yeah.

I can think of a few of those.
Hand.

H-A-N-D. Yeah. OK.

My head is filled with the word
duck, and there's no other word.

I keep refreshing it and it's just
the word duck keeps coming up.

Who refreshes their mind?!
Strange language you use.

It was literally just, "Duck,
duck, duck,"

and I was just trying to tell
myself just, you know...?

But internally, you were going
"refresh." Yeah.

"Duck, refresh, duck." And then it
went off again, see what happens.

The same thing kept coming up.
So weird.

Absolutely weird.

I enjoyed people making up new
tasks with the laces.

And I enjoyed his off-camera
smuggery again. Mm-hm.

"They don't know that Charlotte's
coming!" There's another person.

And then when he goes like, "Are
you sure there's not a better way?"

Yeah, yeah.

I've got feelings.
I've got feelings.

Let's have a look.
So it's the usual arguing rules.

No more than ten words per argument,

and the last word has to be
four letters long.

First up, we're going to see the
film and theatre director, Mike Lee.

Nice. Thank you.

I have to tell you, bad tash.

This is precious hair.

It might be, but not good.

Don't you dare insult my look.

I will insult yous.

You're going to
get your comeuppance, you fool.

Fool? Me? I'll give you, you twat.

You're jealous...

..you...

..plum.
Don't call me that, Mike.

You've got a face like a duck.

What are you...

..on about, pray...

..tell?

Right above your teeth,
it's too bare.

Below my belt is also.

Below your belt should
look like a bear.

It's what I mean.

You're talking tosh.

I'll show you my cock.

I would like to see your wang.

It is meant to be an argument.

Right! Well, here goes.

You're changing the subject.

Come and put it away,
it's heavy, it's huge.

Oh, no. Oh, sorry. OK.

I'm going to have to blow
the whistle there. Aw, I'm sorry.

It was a lovely argument, but... But
he said subject and I lunged in.

I was shilly-shallying.

Can I say that that is better than
some plays that I've seen

at The National Theatre?

It was absolute poetry
and I'm intrigued, the thing that

brought it to the end was Lee
offering to show you his genitals.

And you visibly wanting that.

The argument ceased and we found
common ground and then... yeah.

You offered to
expose your penis to Mike,

and then you announced that it was,
and I quote, "Huge and heavy."

Did I not say heavy and huge, end
with a four-letter word?

Yeah, you said, "Can I put it away,
it's heavy and huge?"

It's heavy and huge. Thank you.

I mean, I might be crass,
but I know the rules.

The wheels have come off part two

and we've veered
into an advertising ditch.

You'll have to wheel-spin
in the mud for a few minutes

before part three comes back
to pull you from the bog

and save you from the quicksand
of consumerism.

You don't need another
kitchen gadget!

You don't cook!

Hello, welcome back
to the start of part three.

I'm feeling so angry, Alex.
Yes, and so am I,

and that's because there
are arguments happening.

It's time for the team of three now,
Jamali, Charlotte, and Sarah.

The thing is,

right, Jamali,

is that you drive well.

I disagree. I... hate it. f*ck.

You have no idea

how Jamali behaves.

What luck!

Thank you for pointing that out,
but I'm angry.

Nice ring.

Don't.

Oh!

That's...

..just...

..not...

..a...

..thing.

I... can't... even.

When... are you...

Sorry! Angry, please.

..Going... to... stop?

Never!

N-E-V...

..will I stop that.

Can't.

Oh, haha!

How are you spelling that? H-A-H-A.

Just... wait.

Till what...

am I going to wait for...

..town?

Give it a rest!

You aren't making any sense,
and that's that.

Go to bank.

You're going to end on that word?

You'd better watch out

because... careful.

Where there's a will...

..there's a will.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I think that's more than ten words,

if you count them up.

Why did you say "town" suddenly?

Cos town's like a slang word
we use for... you know.

Oh, is that a bad word?
Are we allowed to broadcast town?

I mean, you know. It's Channel ,
man, so, you know. Risky.

APPLAUSE

It just seemed to me to be three
people

who perhaps have discovered
language for the first time.

All it said was,

"Wag your finger, argue, and
end on four words under ten..."

It didn't say nothing like,
"It has to be on topic".

Yeah. "You have to pick a subject".

No, I just think it's common sense.

We could have done a big
list of rules like,

"Don't just say the word
town for no reason".

You know language is just a thing
that someone made up. You know that?

I did look it up on Urban Dictionary
afterwards,

and it seems no one there has heard
of it either.

Well, it meant something to us.

I mean, Urban Dictionary
doesn't know culture, innit?

People lose it
when they have an argument as well.

You don't make sense.

Well, your first argument was,
"You drive quite well". Exactly.

Yeah, and drive me around the bend.

Yeah. You need to go to the bank,
mate. That's what you need to do.

You've got to go to the bank.

You need to go to the bank
and sort yourself out.

Do you want me to tell you
some times? I'm ready.

The team of three lasted three
minutes and eight seconds,

whereas these guys argued
for five minutes, seconds

with no blunders at all.

I want these two absolute
arguing legends

to get five full points each.

Whoa. What about the town team?

I'm going to give them two points.

Two points each, OK, but Mike
and Lee are the winners of the task.

There you go.
What's lined up next?

Just a regular task
down at the old haunt.

Hi, Jamali. How are you doing?

May I? Yes, please.

I'll open this, then. OK.

"Make the house haunted".

"Most haunted house wins".

"You have an hour".

"Your time starts now".

Excuse me. Just going to go
and have a little rummage.

A rummage? A rummage. OK.

Yeah, any initial thoughts?

Rummaging. Rummaging.

Thank you.

I need a, uh,
white sheet and a dead person.

I mean, what's haunted?

You've got sort of, uh,
ghost or poltergeist activity,

sort of objects moving.

Poltergeist, I'm thinking.
I'm thinking lights on and off.

I guess general sort of spooky
stuff happening.

I need, uh, a lot of big string.

Rope? String. But big string?

Big, long string.
A lot of big string?

You see the amount of string
that you was going to get? Mm-hm.

More string. Times it by two?

Three. Wow.

That's a lot of string.
Tell me when you've got the string.

I'll give you a knock. Get the
string. OK, bye. All right, mate.

APPLAUSE

Ooh.

So there were lots of classic
spooky phrases in there.

White sheet was requested for the
classic ghost by Lee, corpse,

and then, of course,

out on the biggest spookiest request
of them all:

some big, scary string.

Yeah.

So big. Yeah, yeah. My thing was to
buy out all the string,

cos there's nothing more scary than
when you need string

and there ain't none.

You'd be like, "I'm Greg Davies,
I need some string".

Jamali's bought it all.

All your thoughts start with,

"I'm Greg Davies", and then you have
the thought. Always. Good.

OK, she's in a programme called
Ghosts, but can she make ghosts?

Let's see.
It's Charlotte Ritchie first.

WIND HOWLS

LOUD FAKE CREAKING

RAPID THUDDING

PIERCING SCREAM

Boo!

That's not me.

APPLAUSE

I was quite freaked out, because
I thought that was you in the chair.

I did as well. Did you? Yeah.
Oh, good. That's good, then.

So I think if you ever go ahead
and make your own horror film,

you shouldn't feature,

after the horrific reveal at the end
of your film,

you shouldn't pop on and go,
"Hello!" Yeah.

It sort of dampens it down a bit,
doesn't it? Yeah.

The worst thing was when I realised

that that book hadn't flown out
by itself, that she'd used string.

It's scarier than that.
She tried to get string.

Went to the shop. Couldn't get it?
There wasn't any string left.

What? But why? I'm Greg Davies!

Who's next? Well, do you want to see
the big string guy? Do I?

Here he comes. Yeah.
It's the one and only Jamali Maddix.

LOUD RATTLE

Ghost?

HE CHUCKLES DARKLY

APPLAUSE

You didn't know how that sh*t
was moving, did you?

Guess what it was? String.
Yeah, yeah.

It was just so terrifying,
I forgot about the string.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was creeped out already with
things flying off the wall,

but when those two cabbages
flew off that desk,

that is classic horror.

Let's see another horror film,
please.

OK, would you like to see
Sarah Kendall

making the house look haunted?
More than anything. Here we go.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

BOTH: Hello, Alex.

Come play with us.

Come play with us, Alex.

Forever and ever and ever.

APPLAUSE

Genuinely creepy, Sarah. Thanks.

Classic horror film
called The Shining.

The Shining took five years to make
and tonnes of salt,

so similar to this show.

Why did it take tonnes of salt?

Because there's a scene
where there's snow near the end

and they did it with salt. Wow.
Did they? Really? Mm-hm.

Ooh. Ah, Kubrick.

I thought your film was excellent.

Thank you very much, Greg.

It was - spoiler alert - it creeped
me out more than two cabbages.

Wow. Thank you, that's
the kindest review I've ever had.

Wow. That's fair. You're making big
statements for no reason at him.

I'm just so wanged up about the lack
of string in the country.

Right, nearly there.

One part left to go,

and then someone wins Mike Wozniak's
blood-soaked whittled spoon.

Hey. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

You've made it just in time
for the final part of the show.

WHISTLE BLOWS Yes.

That was tight.

Before the break, there was
a spooky task taking place

where the contestants were trying

to make the Taskmaster house
appear haunted.

Next,
it's the ethereal Mike Wozniak.

BELL TOLLS

GROWLING VOICE: Little Alex Horne.

SINISTER VOICE: Little Alex Horne.

Come in.

There's nothing to worry about,
little Alex Horne.

I've got some puppies
covered in treacle.

Good.

VOICE SIGHS

GROWL

GROWL

BURP

APPLAUSE Wow.

That was horrifying.

A nice temptation to
bring the victims in,

puppies covered in treacle, no?
I was trying to take two things

and make them greater than the sum
of their parts. Yeah, but...

..put two nice things
together, it doesn't necessarily...

..make a big, nice thing. I don't
think there is two things, though.

People famously say,
"Come and see some puppies."

I don't think they say,
"Come and see some treacle!"

Yeah. Mike was determined, by the
way, that I would be cut in two,

like he was cut in two,
and he called it being hemisected.

Hemisect. It's a word.
It's a real word.

Just before we move on,

can we just drill
down to the narrative of your story?

So, the whole house is haunted...
Right.

Along comes an innocent,
lovely Taskmaster assistant.

This guy. He's got a bloodlust.
All he wants to do is gobble you up.

Hemisect you. Yeah.
And spit you out again.

Why didn't, er, little
Alex Horne's... The lovely...

..character, the lovely assistant,

why didn't it spot the already
hemisected body outside the thing?

He may well have done,
but that was overridden by the...

Lure of the treacle pup... the lure
of the treacle-covered puppies.

Who's next?

Finally... it's "Final Lee".

Hello, Lee.
Are you easily frightened?

I don't think so.
Good. What I'm ab...

Agh! Just checking to see.

You say you're not,
but you did flinch a bit there.

Do you know the history
of the caravan?

I've always wondered
about the history of the caravan.

Many years ago, there was
a lady by the name of Amy.

Typical -year-old,
she liked music, parties...

But most of all,
she only wanted her own caravan.

She got her caravan.

This is said caravan.

Four days later...

..she wasn't alive.

She was... not alive.

I'm going to find out now,
with the aid of my Ouija board,

exactly what happened that night.

Amy? Are you there, Amy?
Amy, are you there?

Give us a sign if you are there.

She's talking to me.

Have you got any questions
you'd like to ask Amy?

Are you in heaven, Amy?

Lovely. Alex...

Yes? Can I be honest? OK.

That was me.
I thought it was you.

I was pulling that.
I did see your hand.

I've let you down.
And I wish I hadn't.

And I apologise about this.

I'm no more of a psychic than,
than you,

so would you,
would you accept my apology?

There's a lot of smoke.

Is that Am... Are you Amy?
Who are you talking to?

You can't see?
No, it was just, just me.

That was me. I
was doing that and pulling the...

I don't like this.
It's a nice cupboard.

Can we go now, Lee?
Well, where are you going?

To be honest,
there's too much smoke to breathe.

But also, there's a dead
lady there. I can't see her.

All right. Bye-bye, Lee.
It's not real.

What are you doing? It's not me,
I've set it up. Bye, Lee.

Think we got away with it.

APPLAUSE

See, that's what you need in a film.
You need a twist.

You did look freaked out.

Well, I... I wasn't warned about it.

It would have been a bit
odd to warn you about it.

But I think in horror films,

they do warn the actors
what's going to happen. Yeah.

Oh, you consider yourself an actor
in that?

I very much enjoyed your film.

Shall I hand out some points?
Some spooky points.

I thought they were all really good,

so no-one is going to get
one spooky point. OK.

No-one's going to get
two spooky points.

Is anyone going to get any points?
Three spooky points... Oh.

..go to Jamali and
Charlotte's films.

In second place, with four points,
I'm going to give it to the

Treacle Puppy King
and I'm going to give it...

to the jocular Awful Twist film.

Four points to Lee Mack
and Mike Wozniak. Right.

But by far the most atmospheric
and spooky, five points, Sarah.

Well done, Sarah Kendall. Thanks.

APPLAUSE

Quick look at the scores,
please, Alex.

Charlotte is on the bottom with ten,
Mike is on the top with again.

APPLAUSE

Runaway Wozniak
and his tin of treacle.

OK, everyone,

please head to the stage
for the final task of the show.

Hello.

Hello, Greg. Hello, Greg.
Hi. Hello. Hiya.

Who's going to read it out, Alex?

I'd like Jamali Maddix to read
out the task, please, Greg.

Correctly guess
your standing in the group.

The Taskmaster will read out
a category.

Then you must hold the number that
reflects your standing in the group.

Most correct answer wins.

The way it's going to work is that
Greg will read out a category,

for example, oldest contestant.

If that was the category,
obviously Lee would put up one,

and then the rest of you would guess
your ages in the group as well.

Obviously, yeah?
Once you've heard the category,

you must hold up your
number within seconds.

And once it's up,
you can't change your mind.

You're going to have five
categories,

most correct answers wins.

Are you ready to hear the first
category? Yes. Yes, please.

Category one.

Most Northerly Birthplace.

Ooh. If you think you're the most
northerly, hold up number one.

If you think you're the most
southerly, hold up number five.

Which way is Australia?

It is south.
It's not called Down Over, is it?

It's really south. OK.

OK. Lee thinks he
is the most northerly,

Sarah thinks she's the most
southerly.

They're both correct.
One point each.

It goes - Lee, Southport,
then Mike, Oxford.

Should be holding a number two.
Then Jamali, East London.

Should be holding a number three.

Then Charlotte, Clapham South,
should be holding number four.

Then Sarah, who is holding number
five. Newcastle.

Second category, Greg.

Most pints of milk drunk per month.

We asked all of you before
the show to state how many

pints of milk a month you drink.

If you think that you drink
the most, hold up number one.

I don't know this about you, Mike,

but gut instinct tells me
you guzzle the stuff.

I'm an absolute bloody milk guzzler.

They're all up. Charlotte and Jamali

both think they drink the middle
amount of milk.

Mike Wozniak guzzles a lot of milk.

He guzzles pints of milk
per month.

What? Are you serious?
You, you're having a pint a day?

I have more than a pint a day,
I'm sure of it, yeah.

What are you, a calf?
Is it fancy in a big bottle?

It's on cereal.
A lot of tea and coffee.

OK. And it's also drunk neat.
Neat? Neat? Every day? Milk?

So, Mike is correct.
Lee is also correct.

He's a vegan,
he has zero pints per month.

Ah.
So, it goes Mike the most with ,

Sarah second with eight
pints per month.

Ooh.
Then it goes Jamali third with five.

He gets the point here.

Charlotte fourth with three,
Lee fifth with zero.

The quickest category thus
far coming up.

Fewest phone contacts.

Yeah, fewest friends, number one.
I'm the oldest.

But do you not, have you not found
that over the last ten years

you've started to thin the herd?

Are you suggesting I'm so old,
they've started to die off? No...

OK, all the numbers are up.
Four, four, three, two, two.

No-one thinks you're
the fewest or the most.

The person with the fewest friends
is Jamali, with .

Sarah, you're correct.

You are the second least popular,
with contacts.

Feels about right.
Charlotte is third with , .

Mike, fourth, no points,

with , , Lee has the most
contacts with , in his phone.

You don't have...!
Yeah, but the problem is,

my phone sort of..
I'm trying to...

I'm very popular.

I'll be honest with you,
if someone asks for a selfie,

I ask for their number.

I'm shameless. All right.

Fourth category, please.
Category four.

An interesting revelation
of personal hygiene.

Most frequent
washing of towels per month.

Hmm. After the cleanest person

holding up number one,
there you go, Charlotte.

Straight away. We almost had
one, two, three four, five.

Yeah. Do you know what's
difficult about this,

is the fact that
I don't know what's a lot,

because I have a bunch of towels.
Yeah. No need to get flash, mate.

We've all got a lot of towels.

I've got a towel for each
of my phone contacts.

Charlotte thinks
she cleans her towels the most.

times per month, almost every
third day she's cleaning her towel.

Yeah.

Next cleanest is Jamali. You miss
it again, unfortunately, Jamali.

Then Lee, six times per month,

and then we're really getting
desperate,

Sarah only washes hers
twice a month.

Mike, you do get a point because
you only wash them once a month.

Yes. Absolute scum.
Absolute scumbag. Filthy, man.

Final category, Greg.

Most eggs in one hand.

Yes, we asked them
how many eggs they think

they can hold in one hand. I
can also confirm we tested this.

Straight up there, Jamali.

Mm.
I think I've got the biggest hands.

Whoa. Two guys think
they can hold a lot of eggs.

I think I've got bigger hands than
you. Big balls time, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

No-one thinks they can
clutch the fewest eggs.

Who do you think hold fewer
eggs than you?

You don't have to answer that.

As your attorney, you don't
have to answer that.

I'd like to find out,
it's part of the game.

You think someone's got smaller
hands than you?

I don't know if it's about size.
It's absolutely about size.

Cool.

Technique as well. Well,
Charlotte has the tiniest hands.

She can only hold seven eggs, so she
should've held up the number five.

She should.
Sarah can only hold eight eggs.

She should be holding up
the number four. Mm.

In third place,
it's Mike with eggs.

So which of the men can hold
the most eggs?

I don't know why, I think
Lee Mack can hold the most eggs.

Well, I'll tell you that Jamali
can hold eggs in his hands.

Lee Mack can
hold eggs in his hands.

I just knew it.

And Lee is correctly
holding number one.

I'm known as the egg holder. And
with that, Greg, the task is over.

Come back down and we'll add those
points, and we'll decide who's won.

APPLAUSE

Hello, again, Greg.
Very good. Hello, there.

That must've had quite some
impact on the scores.

So, not only can he hold eggs,
he can also guess where

he fits in the standings, cos
he got four questions right, Lee.

Wow.
So Lee does get the five points.

After that, Mike and Sarah
came in second, they got two things

right each, and joint fourth,
Charlotte and Jamali got one each.

So, the points go two each to
Charlotte and Jamali,

four to Mike and Sarah,
but Lee Mack gets five points.

There it is. He knows himself.

And so the final scoreboard,
Sarah came in second place with ,

but Mike won the episode,
is also winning the series,

he won it with points.

APPLAUSE

Mike Wozniak wins! Go and gather
your victorious vessels!

Thank you. Thank you.

So, what have we learned today?

We've known for some time

that climate change is the gravest
thr*at

that humanity has ever faced,
and we also know that cows

are some of the greatest
contributors to the global crisis.

And % of those cows are
feeding Mike Wozniak's milk habit.

So, what we've learned today

is that Mike Wozniak is destroying
the planet.

We've also learned
that he's won tonight's show,

and now has more vessels
to fill with milky goodness.

Mike Wozniak!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING