12x02 - Oatmeal and Death

[bunniefuu]

Ah! Uh... sppp.

Oooooh.

BELL DINGS

POPPING Is this a joke?

Yeah.

POPPING SHE SIGHS

Oh!

DINGING

HE GROANS Oh!

LAUGHING: I like that.

Wow.

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello

and welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies
and I'm so drunk on power,

that my eyes sometimes spin round in
different directions.

I'm so intoxicated by my own
authority

that I sometimes rip my own shirt
open,

and howl like the mighty wolf.

And I'm so inclined towards a diet
of processed food,

that I'm at the high end

of the British Medical Association's
obesity scale.

FACT.

But, some people have it so much
worse than me.

And those people are...

Alan Davies, APPLAUSE

Desiree Burch, APPLAUSE

Guz Khan, APPLAUSE

Morgana Robinson APPLAUSE

and Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE

And next to me

a man who once told me in private,

that he doesn't really like women,

because he thinks they've got a bit
"too chopsy of late."

It's little Alex Horne. APPLAUSE

You shouldn't really clap that.
Shouldn't really clap it.

No. Well out of order, innit it?
Boo.

"A bit chopsy" indeed.

OK. Well, I apologise

that in the private conversation
that didn't happen,

I called all women "chopsy."

I also don't know what chopsy means.

You told me it meant unnecessarily
talkative.

LAUGHTER

Come on then, let's have your
banter.

Yes. Do you notice anything
different about me? No.

I... am now left-handed.

See that? Yep.

What time is it? Oh!

It's on the other one.

What's wrong with you?

I read on social media all the time,

"Oh, the dynamic between them is
just bullying."

"It's just old-fashioned bullying."
Well, who wouldn't bully you?

Mate, you're quite right. I deserve
it.

OK. Right.

Prize task. What's the category?

Well, it's The Most Awesome Square.

Greg will judge which square is the most awesome and
give five points to its owner at the end of the ep

short for episode.

The win - short for winner,

will take five awesome squares H -
short for home.

Hey, Desiree! Hey.

What's the most awesome square that
you decided you'd bring in?

So, I decided I would bring in a
fortune teller.

A paper fortune teller.

Which is just right here.

Ah. This is a square full of
awesomeness.

You may remember these from grade
school?

Yeah. Yes.

And I will give you a fortune if you
would like to play. Oh.

So, pick a colour -

purple, orange, green or pink.

Um, pink, please. Pink. All right.

P-I-N-K.

All right. Now, pick a number.

So, you can pick from pi, ,

, or Desiree's number.

Pi, please.

All right. Pi.

Your awesome fortune is...

..you will take a ride in a classic
convertible on a warm spring day

and all the lights will change to
green,

just before you reach them.

Oh. Doesn't that sound awesome?

You could have met the Obamas, if
you had chosen better.

It's nonsense, isn't it?

Because I'd like to meet the Obamas, and I'd
like to go for a lovely ride in a car, but...

It's an awesome square, full of
awesome fortunes...

But, they're not. ..that you could
awesomely have.

To make me a promise and then not to
be able to deliver on it,

is the opposite of awesome.
SHE LAUGHS

All right, all right.

I'm slightly warmed by the idea I
might meet the Obamas one day.

They seem like a great couple.

Really got their sh*t together.

Um... Morgana, can you b*at that?

I brought in Albert Square. Oh.

Here's Albert Square in a snow
globe.

I mean, you can't argue with it.

Is Albert Square awesome?

Of course it's awesome.

Is it awesome? It's part of the
furniture.

I haven't watched Eastenders for a
while,

but I remember Albert Square as
being a fairly treacherous place to be.

I know that, you know, you're gonna
piss off a lot of people at home

if you don't give me at least five
points.

So be it.

residents of Albert Square have
d*ed so far.

murders, car crashes,

two speedboat accidents.

Two.

Two speedboat accidents.

In central London.

They were two people in the same
accident.

OK. That's pretty awesome.

Victoria, have you brought a better,
more awesome square than Albert Square?

Yes, I have. I have brought

the triple word score from a
Scrabble board.

Here it is.

It is the most awesome square on the
Scrabble board.

It's the most awesome square in
board-gaming.

Some would say, "What about the
eighth square of a chess board?

"Where the pawn becomes a queen?
That represents social mobility."

I say, "No."

This is a square

that trebles the points .

It's red. It physically resembles
the second most awesome square,

Mr Strong - from the Mr Men.

He's the most awesome of the Mr Men.

Not the sexiest. That would be Mr
Messy after he's had the blow dry.

You know when he goes all smooth?
And, in a world where you respect

the scoring game as the highest
form,

which you must do, to be doing this
nonsense,

you must say that the triple word
score

would be the most awesome square.

I mean, the fact that I've been
seduced into thinking that

a square from Scrabble

is more exciting than a speedboat
accident,

is impressive, Victoria. Well done.

Who can b*at it?

Alan. I've made a square.

Good. We like initiative.

Which I painted

and then I cut out, rather like I'd
kidnapped it.

I cut out letters from magazines

that say, "An awesome square."

ALEX SNIGGERS But, cunningly,

there's an extra surprise,

because, it's actually three litres
of rose.

VICTORIA INHALES
Here it is. It's a wine box.

And that...

Ohhhh.

And that is the k*ller blow.

I mean, honestly,

it's a pretty awesome square.

Um, technically a box, or a cube.

A square's two-dimensional.

- VICTORIA: Come on.
- That's just true.

We could have all gone out and
gotten rose, now, couldn't we not?

Technically it's . cm by . cm,

so, it's a rectangle. Ohhhh.

It's very difficult to find

wine boxes in a square form.

There is a thing called a wine cube,

which I could have paid import tax
on, to bring over from the United States.

I mean, the fact you did the
research, is enough for me.

Brilliant

and heartbreaking.

Guz.

This is much less about me,

more the individual behind it.

But, there's a lovely geezer called
Sam Osmond

and he inboxed me on social media,

and he said, "I like what you do.

"So, can I send you a gift?"

It turns out, it was a square.

And I would like you to have a look,
please, at this.

THEY GASP

Oh, that is dope. That's dope.

That is proper.

She's right. It's dope.

It's hard not to say that's the most
awesome square.

OK. Ready?

I'm ready.
You're not gonna like this.

Who? Me?

No, Desiree. Oh.

Gets one point.

And I think Eastenders is an
institution,

but I don't think that square's
positive,

I think it's a square that people
should avoid.

I can only give you two points, I'm
afraid.

It's absolute flannel, but it's
beautifully spoken flannel,

Victoria takes three points.

OK? Thank you.

And, um, you know, who am I to say
that Alan's tragic wine box

is better than Guz Khan's actual
face?

But, I'm not. So, four points to
Alan.

OK. Five points. Guz Khan.

Well deserved.

Lovely.

Right now. Let's have a look at
a task proper, shall we?

I think we should. And I think it should
be the first team task of the series.

And it should be a monumental one.

And here it is.

Jesus.

Hello.

You look nice.

Thank you.

Hi, Alan. Morning.

You all right? Yes, thanks.

Please, don't touch that just yet.

Oh, sh*t. I've got a friend.

Hello. Heyyyy.

My boots are a bit big.

Your boots are too big?

Yeah. What about the hat?

The hat's a little bit tight, but
that's all right.

Well, you can open the task in about
one minute.

In about one minute?

Yes, please. OK.

VICTORIA: Ah! Hello. Hello.

Hello. Nice to see you.

How are you? I'm all right, thanks.

ALEX: Morgana, this is Guz. Guz,
this is Morgana.

I know who Morgana is, bro, thank
you very much. I know who Guz is. Duh!

I got social media and things like
this.

Well, you can start, if you like.

You can open the task.

What's happening here?

Ah, Desiree!

What? MORGANA SCREAMS

SCREAMING: Hello.

Well, you can open the task now,
team. Oh, OK.

DESIREE: All right.

"Scale the mountain."

"Your attempt must last exactly five
minutes

"and will be sped up by five times
afterwards."

"Most thrilling ascent wins."

"You must start your ascent within
the next ten minutes."

Can I be honest?

I ain't got any ideas. So, whatever
you tell me to do... Well...

..I'll do it. ..I mean, a flag is
gonna be planted, at least.

- Have you got this sort of thing?
- Ropes and...

I've got ice picks.

OK.

There's kit. There's gloves.

I guess we work out a storyline.

We could put a rope across the top
with these,

as if it's somewhere really
exclusive we're trying to get to.

Shall we have one flag for the VIP
area?

What if, one of us dies? It can be
me.

You see, I'm having trouble undoing
the exclusivity rope.

Guys, look how nice your ropes are.

My rope isn't, it won't open.
What is going on?

If you wanted to have a cocktail
in the VIP area...

That's what we need, cocktails.

Can we get a couple of cocktails?
Yep. We need cocktails.

ALEX: OK team, good luck.

I've got the compass.

See, I would normally have snacks.

I've got two right gloves.

Would we need snacks of some kind?
They'll be up there.

APPLAUSE

I hate to group you as two
different age groups...

VICTORIA: Careful. Yeah, I'm sorry,
Victoria. Mm-hm.

Just, the tonal difference
between the two.

This giddy sixth-form party that's
going on with the three.

Morgana volunteering to die,

"I can die. I don't mind."

And then there's this sort of,
weary,

Alan Bennett-esque couple

talking about what snacks they'd
have.

If you're gonna have a cocktail,
you've gotta have snacks, are you mad?

Yeah. Yeah, the well known cocktail
lounge,

it's just above base camp.

No, it was a metaphor.

We were social climbing.

Social climbing. That's it. I
remember now.

Yes, it was quite sophisticated.

Yeah, this is more of your

very, very eloquent bullshit.

ALL LAUGHING

We're looking for the most
thrilling ascent.

And first to the foot of the
mountain are Victoria and Albert.

Good.

OK, climbers, you may begin
your ascent.

OK. I'm at the bottom.

I'm just gonna do this
free climbing.

You go. Yeah. I'll bring the
gear. You bring the gear.

Hang on, I've got the rope round my
leg.

HAMMERING

I don't know what that does.

Ooh. My flag's broken. My flag's
broken.

Hurry up.

What's the problem down there?

I've lost some of the kit.

I'm gonna go back down. I've lost
some of the kit.

I've got it.

You're making this look difficult.

Whoa! Alan. Argh.

Argh. You go on.

Save yourself.

Ow. I feel like someone who's
married beneath me.

Do you need to do your hair, or
anything, before you go in?

I've got my manicure kit, here.

Well, don't go without me.

Oh.

We're in.

Cheers. Cheers.

We got there.

APPLAUSE

MORGANA: That's very good. GUZ:
That's good.

So, there was a narrative, of sorts.

My feeling is that

Alan did the lamest impression of
anyone

using ice picks to start with,

and then he got on to the mountain
and the impression was quite convincing.

Now, while all that was going on,

I think that Victoria shimmied up
the side of the mountain,

did her nails and had a drink.

Victoria didn't bring any kit,
except for the nail file.

Well, Alan was carrying the kit
gallantly.

She skittered up the mountain,

What can I say? I enjoyed it.

Right. Advert time.

You go and have a plop and a tinkle

and we'll see you in five.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello everybody.

I'm glad you made it back and I
hope you washed your hands.

I certainly did,

after a very thorough wipe.

Before the break, the teams were trying to make
the most thrilling ascent of Mount Kasarest.

We've seen Alan and Victoria's
attempt.

Now for the team of three -

it's Morgana Robinson, Desiree Burch
and Guz Khan.

GUS: Desiree, we're waiting for you,
baby girl.

All right. Baby, what are we doing?

Uh, we're hammering. We're
hammering in our first spikes.

We're hammering.

I haven't got them.

Oh, you can borrow mine.

ALEX: That's seconds gone.

seconds!

GROANING

D, I'm on the side of the mountain.

Be careful.

You're doing great. Everyone's
doing great.

Here, you gotta take the flag.

Argh!

What happened?

I'm bleeding. Oh, no.

I'm bleeding.

Help. Hold on.

Help. Oh, no. Argh.

I'm gonna die anyway. You might as
well eat me to get to the top.

Do you have any arse bread?

I do have arse bread.

I'm gonna cut it off. I'm cutting
it off. I'm cutting it off.

Enjoy.

Tell my mother I love her.

I'll never forget you.

Did she die?

Yeah. I mean, she's gone.

I might have the energy now.

I think we can make it.

Desiree! Desiree!

Whoaaaaaa.

APPLAUSE

Yes! Yes!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Wow. Well,

as far as I can work out,

Morgana selflessly gave her life

by chopping off sections of her own
buttocks.

LAUGHTER

She's well known for the arse bread.
Yeah. Light and fluffy.

With a nice crust.

You perished, presumably from your
wound.

The surviving members pushed to the
summit.

Tragically,

Guz was k*lled

in an awful fall,

leaving Desiree being the only
climber to reach the summit,

where she celebrated

and, um, the last thing we saw was

Guz with a croissant on his face.

Arse bread was on my face. That
was arse bread you saw.

It was a really great bit of acting,
Guz.

The only thing is, Desiree's
character seemed to get over

the tragedy that befell her two
climbers... Yeah.

There was really a back story that I
was, you know, the leader.

I do a school of climbing

and so, I got to keep the deposits,

because they were dead.

Listen, I'm going to give

the Arse Bread Tragedy...

..I'm gonna give them all five
points.

Ooh, that's a lot. Yeah. High five.

I'm going to give Alan and Victoria
three points.

Three points each. But the winners
are the team of three.

APPLAUSE

Rightio.

Two people have got six.
Two people have got seven.

But Guz Khan's in the lead with ten
points.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Lovely.

What's next, please, little Alex
Horne?

Oh, it's my absolute favourite food
receptacle,

doggie bags.

Ooh.

Morgana. Hi.

Oh.

A lot of emotions there.

Mm.

This looks disgusting.

Pretty colours.

That looks like poop.

Is that five bags of poop?

VICTORIA: The spoon is particularly
sinister.

"Work out the contents of
the..." Oy-yoy.

"Work out the contents of these
bags."

"You may not open the bags."

"You can either,

"ask Alex to make one tiny hole in
each bag

"and have five minutes examination
time..."

"During which you must eat at least
one big spoonful from each bag."

"Or..."

"Ask Alex to put all the contents in
a blender for one minute..."

"And then have ten minutes
examination time,

"during which eating is optional."

Lord have mercy!

OK, I've got questions.

Question one. Is it all edible?

Yes. Two.

Is any of it meat?

No. Three.

Is any of it grapefruit?

How many things are you going to
ask?

A little hole, or blender? I need a
choice in two seconds.

Oh, no... hole.

Go on, then.

Make the little hole.

What would you like me to do, Alan?

I think I'm gonna taste them, Alex.

We're gonna have a spoon,

because

if you're gonna wham it in a
blender,

how am I supposed to differentiate,
brother?

Blend it. B. We're gonna go for B.

We're going for B? Yeah.

Why would you even go for A?

Why would you go for A?

Might be hungry.

Victoria,

you often have the demeanour of
somebody who's come in

to a disaster situation and said,

"Right, everybody listen to me. This
is what we're gonna do."

And I like that. And I've only got
one question,

which is, what happens if you eat
grapefruit?

Er, suffer liver damage.

Keep it light. Sorry. LAUGHING

I'll put it another way.

I'm allergic to grapefruit.

All right.

Let's see some stuff.

OK, so the first two mucky pups to
digest the doggie bag dishes are...

Guz-zle Khan and Alan-mentary Canal.

Here we go.

OK, Alan, your five minutes starts
now.

Good luck, Guz. Oy-oy-oy-oy-oy.

Look at the size of this spoon.

This is quite hard to get out of the
hole.

That's part of the task, is it? Yes.

Oh, it's an absolute sh*t-bag!
HE LAUGHS

Don't know why the word sh*t-bag
came to mind.

Eurghhhh.

This is really yucky.

Am I allowed to enlarge the hole?
I couldn't say you're not.

I can tell you already, by the
texture,

this is a Fererro Rocher.
BUZZING

Maybe.

It's like a Nutella DINGING

with some cornflakes. BUZZING

This is a chocolate affair.

Bit of a nutty feel, like a
hazelnut.

DINGING

How long's gone? A
minute-and-a-half, Alan.

You're behind schedule.

Oh.

COUGHING

Is that a full spoon?
It looks like a spoon to me.

That doesn't look very nice.

I haven't got a clue what that is.

Oh, what's that? There's bits coming
outside.

Toffee? DINGING

Toffee and some sort of fruit.

Soft fruit, like a peach? BUZZER

Brrrr.

Eurgh. Pooh.

Oh, that's actually, um,

definitely from someone's puppy.

I've seen that curled up on the
floor at the vets.

What's that?

Maybe it's some kind of vegetable.

Guz, you've only got two minutes
left for the last three bags.

Oh.

Oof.

Eurgh.

It tastes sort of meaty.

I'm hoping it's not, because I
haven't eaten meat since .

Argh.

TALKS INDISTINCTLY THROUGH FOOD

I don't know what's in that.

Like a tofu, maybe? BUZZER

Lentils? BUZZER

I've never had this flavour in my
life.

You've only got one minute .
OK, I'm stuck...

..you're making me eat.

Halal dog food, or something.
BUZZER

I don't know what that is. I dunno.

Eurgh.

That's a bad... AUDIENCE GROANS

..that's a bad night, innit?

I think this has got banana in.
DINGING

Banana and soy sauce. BUZZING

Oh, delicious.

GARBLED THROUGH FOOD: All the things
you gave me,

it all is sh*t. Write, "sh*t" down.

sh*t, yeah? BUZZER

Right, seconds left, Guz. Oh,
God.

Oh, that's very considerate. It's a
sort of dessert to finish.

I'm very pleased with this, Al.

GUZ GROANS AND RETCHES
Ten seconds.

GARBLED: So bad.

Salad cream, BUZZER

laced with... mango.

BUZZER WHISTLE BLOWS

That's your time up, Alan. Thanks
very much. Bye bye.

What do you think it is, Guz?

GARBLED: It's mayonnaise.

DINGING

WHISTLE

GARBLED THROUGH FOOD: Can I go?

RETCHING

I mean, essentially, Guz, your
attempt

looked like feeding time

at a retirement home for very angry
people.

LAUGHING

I thought this show had, it were
more class. Yeah?

Everything tasted like it'd gone
off.

Didn't taste delicious.

Alan, I know we said you had to have
a spoonful of all of the bags,

but the thing that struck me most
about your attempt,

is that you were taking
giant spoonfuls.

The first one

was really quite hard to eat.

I had really a lot of it.

It did say, "a large spoonful."

But it didn't say a HEAPED large
spoonful.

The big difference between the two
men, as well,

Guz was retching and screaming,

Alan looked like he was at a wine
tasting.

Well, he got three out of the ten
ingredients correct.

Well done. Oh, all right.

I mean, the first one wasn't too
bad, it was Nutella and nachos.

They both got Nutella.

Second one, cabbage and caramel.

Then we had gravy and granola. That
was in the green bag.

Banana and Bovril.

Marmite for vegans and vegetarians.

Mustard and mayonnaise, the last
one.

We can't give you salad cream, but
we can give you mayonnaise.

So, three for Alan. Two-and-a-half
for Guz.

I've given him a half point, because
he said "vegetable," and it was cabbage.

Well, that seems more than generous.

Want to see another pair? Yes,
please.

I've also given them funny names.

It's now time for Desiree Burps and
Victoria Coren Mitchell-in Star.

DESIREE: Gross. I'm gonna vom.

CRUNCHING

Mm.

Nutella and... DINGING

..cornflakes?

BUZZER

There's some kind of cereal in here.

I think this is a mix of

Nutella DINGING

and tortilla chips. DINGING

Oh, gross.

Oh, nasty.

It's got a vegetable in it.

I don't have to eat it in one bite.

Oh, I should have done, though.

I hate everybody!

Eurgh.

I want to say, it's caramel sauce

and onion skin. OK.
DINGING AND BUZZING

I think I am gonna legit vomit.

Eurghhhhhh.

This is like what's at the bottom of
a bin when you take the rubbish out.

Ah, OK.

This is like peanut butter and
muesli.

I was wrong.

I think this is

muesli DINGING

and anchovy oil. BUZZING

Can you finish the spoon?

Yup.

Eurghhhh.

SCREAMING: Why is that like that?

Whatever that is, it's not food.

I've seen that face before.

Let's say banana

DINGING

and a sort of liquidised Marmite.
DINGING

OK.

Eurgh. Last one.

Gro... oh, gross!

Eurgh. Ten seconds left.

Might it be off?

This is probably Dijon mustard and
mayo.

Yep, that's what the f*ck that is.
DINGING

I'm gonna say mayonnaise and
mustard.

I'm gonna have some of this Nutella
to take the taste away.

WHISTLE BLOWING
Well done, Victoria.

You've got seconds. OK.

You've got Nutella and cornflakes.
Onion and godforsaken bird vomit.

BUZZING

This is, you know, garbage fire
of all of those things. BUZZING

And then this sh*t,

is actually like oatmeal.

I don't know.

Death. BUZZER

WHISTLE BLOWING
Oatmeal and death. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

I don't want to divide the two on
national grounds,

but there was something very British

and accepting of the horror.

Yes, it's the anticipation.

Most of it tasted all right.

I mean... LAUGHING

Did it taste all right, Desiree?

It was a horror show.

I think it just tells you a lot
about what we ate as children.

That really just felt like a meal
from the past.

When I was a child,

my grandma used to make the Sunday
roast the day before. All of it.

I mean, God rest her soul. Like, it
was a bit off,

and you'd be a bit ill, but grateful
to have eaten.

They both did pretty well.

Desiree got four right in the end.

Not bad. Not bad. Victoria?

Not bad at all. Ooh.

Eight out of ten.

DESIREE: Wow. What a wonderful
celebration of your nan's terrible cooking.

Right, we're out of here for a few
minutes.

Maybe you've just got enough time to
take the rubbish out.

♪ There's the green bin, the brown
bin

♪ The black bin, the caddy bin

♪ The battery bin, the bag bin

♪ The cardboard bin, the nappy bin
The thin bin, the shallow bin

♪ The broken bin, the dirty bin

♪ And once you've been and binned
them clean and preened them

♪ We'll be back again. ♪

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Welcome back once more to
Taskmaster.

Before the break,

Alex had filled some little bags
with a selection of smelly brown mess.

Yes, Alan, Desiree, Guz and Victoria

squeezed the contents of the bags
out on to a big spoon,

had a taste and then tried to guess
the ingredients.

Morgana, however,

opted for Option B.

B for blending.

Here's how she got on.

MORGANA SCOFFS

BLENDING

OK, that's the minute up.

AUDIENCE GROAN

OK, Morgana. You've got ten minutes.

Go through the bins.

Marmite DINGING

is one.

Salad cream. BUZZER

Curry sauce. BUZZING

Toffee... coconut? BUZZING

I think this is a chocolatey one.

Nacho-y things. Maybe nachos.
DINGING

With?

With? Well, what's the brown stuff?

Chocolate. OK. BUZZING

You haven't touched the mixture I
made for you.

No.

Not tempted?

Can you just check for me?

Can you taste for me?

What do you get?

You want me to eat this and then
tell you what I get? Yeah.

MORGANA LAUGHS DELIGHTEDLY
AUDIENCE GROANING

Is it gonna go down?

Uh.

I'm really proud of you.

APPLAUSE

Wow. Well, that's a close run thing,

because I'll tell you now, that if
Alex had actually been sick,

I would have given you ten bonus
points.

I was on the edge of my seat.

It's the closest I've come. Praying
that he vomited on television.

You know, when someone looks
genuinely worried?

You can literally, put anything on a
spoon, he'll gobble it right down.

Your technique was

to use option B,

but then to do option A, really.

No, because I didn't have to eat a whole
spoonful of it. I could just, sort, of, mm-mm-mm.

I did make an note that during it you
often looked like a furtive garden bird.

She got the nachos,

she got the caramel, she got the
Marmite.

But that was it. So, just three.

Which means that Guz only gets the
one point. He came last. Ahh.

Next, Morgana and Alan get three
points each.

Desiree gets four points.

Victoria, who got nearly all of them
right,

gets five points. Ah. APPLAUSE

Let's fire up the next task.

Yes, please. And I think we've had
quite enough of being messy.

What you saying, blood?

Hello. You all right? I'm all right,
thank you.

Oh, sh*t, this is gonna be messy.

D'you know what that is?

I mean, this is one of those little,
I can't remember what you call them,

but you boingy-boingy everywhere.

Space hopper and some paint.

Completely paint the space
hopper... completely paint it.

Completely paint... SHE LAUGHS

"Completely paint this space
hopper..."

That's what they're called, space
hopper.

"green, without making..." Without
making any mess?!

"The entire space hopper must be
green.

"The entire space hopper must stay
in the dome."

Doesn't say I have to stay in the
dome, does it? No.

When you are satisfied that you are
finished,

put your hands on your hips and bow
deeply at your green space hopper.

Fastest and least messy wins.

Your time starts now.

Can I ask you a question, bro? OK.

When we're talking about, let's
quantify this mess for a minute.

Yeah? Uh-huh.

It says "without making ANY mess."

So, am I right in assuming that even
if there's

one drop of green,

then we're off the seat?

I'm all for just getting stuck in to
this.

I want to see Desiree painting her
boingy-boingy thing.

Lets see how they did.

OK, well sometimes they're a team,

and sometimes they're just grouped
into the same age bracket.

It's Alan and Victoria. I'm not...
why would you... I love you, but,

he is a bit... She's a lot younger
than me.

I need paint brushes.

I'm assuming, somewhere there's a
paint brush.

I mean, I could do it with my hands,
but that really is

the definition of mess, isn't it?

RUMMAGING

They're a bit small.

Fastest wins?

Fastest wins, Alan.

I'll try not to make any mess.

I mean, this is a brush, but

that's gonna take too long, isn't
it?

Yeah.

SHE GASPS

It's not going green. It's really
orange. Look at it.

So orange.

It's interesting that I've gone for
painting over his face first.

They say that about murderers,

before they chop up the corpse,

they cover the face, cos they
don't want to be looked at.

Now, that's green.

Uhhh.

WAILING This is a disaster.

Oh! Mess!

Oh, no.

I suppose you've got to do the
little prongs, as well, right?

The whole thing, please, Alan. The
whole thing.

The key is painting, because it
would be really easy to just break

and just, kind of, smear it all
over with your hands.

But, no.

Do you stop when it's all green,

or do you stop when you've had
enough?

You've got to embrace moving a paint
brush back and forth

across the taut plastic corpse of
the space hopper.

Oh, no. Look at this.

Don't you dare roll away.

I'll stop the clock.

I mean, this is cleaner than it was
when I came in.

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure that Alan fully
understands the spirit of this competition.

And I wrote down the quote,
we'll pop it in the book,

"Do you stop when it's finished, or
when you've had enough?"

There didn't seem to be a great deal
of urgency.

They started by getting two little
paint brushes each.

Yeah. I got it really green.

Yeah, it was very green. Very green.

Victoria's was, er, stripy.

Alan's was a little bit more messy
by the end,

but he completed it in half the
time.

Ten minutes . Victoria was
minutes .

Most of that was cleaning.

Good. D'you wanna see someone else?

Oh, do I?

Yes, do you? Yes!

OK, well, now we're gonna see how
Desiree and Morgana got on.

Here we go.

Without making a mess? Look, I've
already put mud in. Yes.

Well, that's really upset me.

Um, how do I not... OK, and it
rolls. OK.

TEARING

All right.

This isn't so bad.

No... SQUIRTING

SHE SNIGGERS

AIR ESCAPING

AIR GUSHING

OK.

Oh, Jeez.

Oh.

GROANING SEXUALLY

f*cking hell.

Uh. Ooh, excuse me.

There's probably someone who could
have done it in, like, two minutes,

but how do you do that cleanly,
unless you have a novel idea

and I left my novel ideas at home.

This is such fuuuuun.

How is it on the bottom?

How much orange are you seeing
there, Al?

Oh, loads.

I mean, that's pretty green, if I'm
honest.

Oh.

HUMMING La la la la.

SPRAYING

Yes!

Oh, like a dream.

Please, stay upright.

No, no, no, no, no.

Boink.

I said, good day, sir.

And stop the clock.

Very effective space hopper painting
all round.

You looked like a professional
plasterer, to be honest.

It was the best way to cover the
most surface area.

Had I been genius enough to, one,
break the ball down,

and, two, think, "Oh, you can
actually clean up after yourself,"

this would have been a different
endeavour.

You did do a lovely job and it was
very effective.

I feel there was something slightly
more sinister going on over here

when you popped my childhood.

That's cos I never got one.

Oh. Ah.

I'll get hold of a couple of them and
we'll go through Hyde Park. Can we?

Right. Break number three.

Just time for you to ban your
children from social media

and start holding them.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back to the final
part of the show.

Oh, I can't believe it's
nearly over.

I was meant to mime crying,
but I wasn't quite ready for it.

Anyway, before the break,

our contestants were trying to paint a
space hopper without making any mess.

It's proving tricky to achieve
perfection, but,

and it's the only time I'll say this
in this series,

if anyone Khan... Guz Khan.

Oh, hold on a second, Alex, baby.
Look at this.

OK. Now make a mess.

I mean, I'd like to make this sound more
scientific than it's about to be, but...

..we're just gonna make this sh*t
green.

Was there any time limits involved?

It's fastest wins, Guz.

Oh, is that the one, then?

Better get on.

Ooh.

Whoo-hoo.

Drips, innit?

You gotta be careful of the drips,
brother.

Feels so good.

You got some perverts making these
tasks, bro.

Is it weird that I want to slap it a
little? I don't think that's weird.

Are you gonna slap it?

D'you wanna slap it? I wouldn't
mind you slapping it.

SLAPPING

Whaaat?!

I made a lot of mess.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Get in there. Safety first, brother.

You was standing there, you could
have told me.

You could have warned me.

Um, sorry.

Well, at this point, I might as well
get messy.

Enjoy ourselves and sh*t.

Happy, Alex?

Stop the clock.

If you had told me that this thing
was slipping,

we could have won this task.

OK. Well, next time.

Good night, Guz.

See YOU later.

APPLAUSE

I mean, that had everything.

That had everything, that attempt.

Disasters,

there was blame apportioned.

Because you, presumably thought
Alex should have been watching it,

as it was slipping out of its
harness,

and warned you in time?

It was not a team thing, but I
thought we was friends.

And shall I tell you what made it
loose, as well? Yep. He was like,

"Oh, slap it again, Guz."

I was slapping it four, five times

and he was like, "Spit on your
hand," and I was like, "All right, then."

I was slapping and it came really
loose, because of that slapping business.

I liked it when you slapped it. DESIREE:
We all liked it when you slapped it.

MORGANA: We loved it. There's no-one
here who didn't enjoy that slap.

All right.

Well, Guz, all I can say is

I'm sorry that Alex let you down in
so many ways.

Thank you for acknowledging that.
Thank you.

Anyway, we have to deal with facts,
unfortunately. Facts.

I don't know how you wanna do it? If
you wanna do it just on speed?

Oh, God. Or you wanna do it on the
most green?

You tell me what the scores are
according to time.

Well, Guz wins, weirdly.

OK. Then Desiree, then Alan,

then Morgana, then Victoria.

But, we've got to punish mess, Alex.
Course we do.

GUZ GASPS

And we have to reward greenness.

We're gonna have to score each one

by all of those three criteria.

Then we're gonna have to divide
their final points

by three. Well, that sounds like a
laugh.

Yeah?

So, we've done speed. Let's do
greenness.

Well, Morgana's was the greenest.

Right. Then, we have, weirdly, Guz.

Yup.

Then Alan, then Desiree, then
Victoria.

And mess?

The cleanest was

Victoria.

Then Morgana, Alan,

then Desiree, then the mucky puppy,
Guz.

Five...

..one...

..you talk amongst yourselves.

I got seven for one,

Desiree got eight, for two,

Alan got nine for three,

Guz got ten, for four,

Morgana got for five.
GUZ: - Yeah, that's it.

Victoria has scored it for us. She's
completely right.

So, Victoria, one point.

Two points to Desiree.
Three points to Alan.

Four, incredibly, to Guz.

Despite the expl*si*n,
five points to Morgana Robinson.

Oh, I'll take that.

Guz, you can't believe you got
four points for that fiasco.

So, can we ogle at the scores?

We can ogle at the scores. It's
still close.

There's two people in last place -
Desiree and Victoria,

but Guz and Morgana are both in the
lead with points.

APPLAUSE

Right.

Please, will you make your way to
the stage for

the final task of the show?

CHEERING

Well, don't you all look delightful?

Alex, who will be reading this task
out, please?

Guz Khan is gonna read it out.

"Put on the medallion.

"You must not take off your jacket,

"or break the box.

"Fastest wins."

So, you'll start on my whistle.

There is a fish t*nk on each of your
tables.

That's to put things in that you
might find that doesn't help.

Fastest wins. Other people do get
points, too.

Good luck. Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWING

And they're off.

ITEMS CLATTERING

Oh, what've you found, Alan?

Alan's found a key.

Oh, an ALAN key!
AUDIENCE GROANING

It's not the right key for this. He
says it's not the right key. Ah.

What is this?

CLATTERING

What've you found, Guz?

There's a key in here.

Oh, it's not the right key.

Victoria is looking inside a
satsuma for a key.

I'm just... because I'm just
peckish.

What's the problem, Alan?

Well, there appears to be something in the
lining and I can't work out how to get in.

Right. DESIREE: Oh, whatever.

Someone has got into a box.

And that someone is Guz Khan.
What have you found, Guz?

It's another box.

Oh!

Whoa. Guz Khan's got the
medallion on.

Oh, we have somebody else who's into
a box over there.

That's good news.

MORGANA: Oh! I don't think I've got
one.

We have another medallion -
Desiree Burch.

And yet, she doesn't look at all
pleased.

Yes, D!

DESIREE: Jesus.

Alan is into the second box.

I don't think I got a key.

Yes, you do.

I didn't get a key. You did get a
key, Morgana. I didn't.

Well, where is it, then?

I know I'm missing another key, I
think.

MORGANA: Is the key in the same place
for everyone? It was the same for everyone.

Is there a third key then, Alex?

Yes, there's a third key.

Is it in the satsuma?

VICTORIA: No, I've eaten the
satsuma. It's not in there.

Guz finished half an hour ago.

MORGANA: I mean... what?!

ALAN: There are three keys for this.

DESIREE: Yes, but you only need two.

It looks like Morgana's now found
the key.

SHOUTING: It's not fitting.

Well, there isn't anywhere else.

We've got progress here from Alan
Davies.

Yeah.

MORGANA SHOUTING: What?! Thank God.

Morgana is now into the red box.

We might be near the end, Greg.

APPLAUSE WHISTLE BLOWS

We're there. Four medallions on.

Four medallions.

We'll add those up and we'll add it
to your final scores.

Join me down here.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back.

I'm home. Exciting stuff.

Yes. They were patting themselves down, looking
for the keys and then putting the medallions on.

Yes, I know.

But Victoria never did put her
medallion on,

so, she gets one point for coming
last. Thank you.

Morgana took seven-and-a-half
minutes to put her medallion on.

She gets two points.

Then it goes up to Alan, in third
place.

Desiree, four points.

But, Guz just took one minute .
And he gets five points.

No-one's put a medallion on faster.

Yeah, so that means he's won the
episode.

With points it's Guz Khan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He'll gain full access. Full access
to your awesome squares.

You wanna go there now?
MORGANA: No!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that Taskmaster teaches
you a variety of things -

courage, perseverance,
determination.

But none of us expected it to teach
you survival skills.

So, remember,

next time you're stuck up a mountain
with no food,

get your friend to chop their bottom
off

and feed it to you.

That's it for this episode,

apart from showing a little more
respect for our winner,

Guz Khan. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE