15x10 - A Yardstick for Failure

[bunniefuu]

Brace, brace!

I'm bracing!
CLATTERING

Hmm!

This program me contains
strong language and adult humour

No, no, no, no!

TRUMPET-LIKE HONKING

No!

Ahh!

What?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Yes!

Yes, it is!

It's the Taskmaster grand final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to you all.

I'm Greg Davies,

and I'm here to lead you through
this magnificent final hour.

What does it take
to become a champion?

Well, if you want the most prized
trophy in television,

you need to tap into your own soul,

you need an energy source
that hitherto

you may only have been
vaguely aware of.

Each of these people,
if they really want it,

will have to meet whatever
their own version of God might be.

Or - and I mean this -

I'll fix it for grand.

Anyone who pays grand
into my account can win it.

I don't care. Why would I care?
LAUGHTER

So, here they are.

For the last time, please welcome

your five fearless fighters,
Frankie Boyle...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Ivo Graham...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Jenny Eclair...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Kiell Smith-Bynoe...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...and Mae Martin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,

a man who told me
that as a young person

he used to practise kissing

on his grandfather's pet carp
Mr Suckles.

LAUGHTER

It's Little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone.
It's the final, Greg.

It's the final. It's the final.
I'm going to miss you, Greg.

Are you?
Yes, I like sitting next to you.

LAUGHTER

What's this then?

Well, I was wondering if you wanted
to come to my birthday party.

You're going to be
the first person I invited.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

That is a lovely way
to start the grand final.

Great.

"Alex is turning ."
It's in six years.

LAUGHTER

"Alex would like the pleasure of
Greg's company at my th birthday.

"Dress code, naughty but nice.

"Arrival, . pm.

"Carriages, . am."
It's just you and me. Um...

LAUGHTER

"Venue TBC." Probably a farm.

And then you just tear off that bit
and return it if you're coming.

It's an RSVP slip on the bottom.

Right, let's get on with the
show, shall we? OK. LAUGHTER

What have we got for the final
prize task of the show, Alex?

It's a real money-spinner, Greg,

because you've asked them
to bring in

the best Greg Davies merchandise

that isn't on the market
but should be on the market.

LAUGHTER

Of course, there's already
a lot of great stuff out there -

enough to make quite
an alarming shrine, let me tell you.

But Greg's going to judge
his favourite one,

and then the lucky episode winner
will win a lot

of Greg Davies merchandise,

which I can drop round to them
at a later date.

Well, Mae Martin. Hi.

Have you got some good
me merchandise?

Yeah. Um, my...my dad was involved.

How was your dad involved?

Basically, in lockdown,
he kind of became like Geppetto,

so he and I together designed
a Greg Davies puppet.

Yeah, this is what Mr Martin made.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I really want to show you.
Should be on the market, Greg.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, the mouth opens,

and also it says one
of your famous catchphrases,

if you press a button. OK.

RECORDING OF GREG'S VOICE:
I'm so full of hate!

LAUGHTER

Oh, thank you, Mae.

Oh, God.

It looks like Lord Sugar.

What, the -year-old tycoon?
LAUGHTER

Yes. It does.

It's absolutely incredible.
Is your dad a carpenter?

No. Well, how has he made you?

Huh?! I don't think he likes me.

He doesn't like you. Ah!

And there's two of us now!

LAUGHTER

IN SQUEAKY VOICE: I'm coming
to your sh*t party in six years!

I'm going to do a poo on the carpet.

LAUGHTER

He's a monster.

He's horrible.

Yeah. He is horrible!

Well, this is going
to take some b*ating.

Thank you, Mae.
He's absolutely amazing.

RECORDING OF GREG'S VOICE:
I'm so full of hate! LAUGHTER

That is a strong start.

That's a high bar, isn't it?
That's really annoying, actually.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Very good. Ivo.

Um, Greg, I've actually been
a fan of your work

since before this show
even came into existence.

In at the Edinburgh Fringe,
I watched your debut show.

What was that show called, Greg?

It was called
f*ring Cheeseballs At A Dog, Ivo.

Let's look at what the prize is.

It's this.

It's your very own Greg Davies
cheese ball catapult.

LAUGHTER

Take that, damn pooch!

LAUGHTER

That's lovely.

And even though
it's less and less acceptable

to fire snacks
into the faces of dogs...

I hate this woke sh*t.

LAUGHTER
Yeah.

I mean, one of a dog's jobs
is to catch snacks, surely?

Why can't they catch them
at velocity?

LAUGHTER

I think it's delightful.

OK. Jenny.

OK, Greg,

for you, I had commissioned
a coffee stencil, and I thought,

oh, just buying a coffee
with your face on it...

And maybe if you got together
with that cafe place

that has the same name as you,

and then you could have
a Gregg's Greg coffee...

Yeah, I mean...

...and then you could give
some of the money to charity.

Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER

There's a lot relying
on this picture, I feel.

Yeah, yeah.
This is what... Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER

But wait for the magic.

That's the before,
and this is the coffee.

LAUGHTER

Why do I suddenly feel like chicken?

LAUGHTER

It's not bad at all, Jenny.

Kiell, you all right?

Well, I think as much
as people would like

to have, like, bits
and pieces to play with,

I think it's much more fun
to be you.

Oh, it is not.

LAUGHTER

But keep talking.

Well, when you last felt like that,

you might've wanted something
like this.

Have a look.

LAUGHTER

It's a Greg Davies morph suit.

LAUGHTER

It's so awful.

I think if this goes on sale,

I'm going to be arrested
for multiple att*cks on people.

LAUGHTER

Wow. Thanks, Kiell.

That's all right. Hi, Frankie.

Do you know how we're both

essentially trembling
on the brink of death?

LAUGHTER

With every morning,

I cannot believe I see the sun again.

And the real...

The real test of the ageing process
is the beanbag.

Once you have to commando roll
out of a beanbag...

Yeah. ..that's a sign
it's pretty much game over.

So, what I've developed is

a euthaniser beanbag...
LAUGHTER

...that if you sit in it
for more than an hour,

it folds itself round you
and euthanises you...

LAUGHTER

...and then zips itself up
like a body bag.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, so,
this is Frankie's Greg Davies merch.

So, it's just got Greg Davies
written...?

LAUGHTER
Yes.

After a while, this would happen.

LAUGHTER

You would start
to be subsumed by the beanbag.

And then... And then...

LAUGHTER

...he's gone.

...mercy is delivered.

LAUGHTER

So, it's a beanbag that determines...

Whether you live or die.
LAUGHTER

OK.

We've been on a journey.
Who has won the journey?

Well... Hmm. ..and this is
going to surprise you -

not Frankie.

LAUGHTER

I don't want the Greg Davies
death beanbag to be on the market.

So, is it one point to Frankie?

One point. Yes.

Kiel, two points.

You're joking. Yeah.

Oh, it's better than yours.

Mine was better than yours,
simple as that.

OK, two points to Kiell.

Jenny gets three points.

I sort of don't want to give...

LAUGHTER
..that horrible thing five points,

but I have to acknowledge
the amount of work

that's gone into it.

And you are talking
about the puppet, not Mae.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

So, I'm going to give Ivo
four points.

You stuck a sticker
of Greg's face on a catapult...

...and that's better
than my high-concept death bag?

Ivo's admittedly cheap

but well-researched catapult
gets four.

OK.
And my animated corpse gets five.

Well done, Mae Martin. Five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's have the first
proper task of the final.

Gotcha, and I hope you find
this one deeply fulfilling.

Hello, Alex.

Mae.

Alex.

Remember me?

How could I forget?

Everything all right with you?

Yeah, pretty good. Can't complain.

No. But I do.

"Fill the glass up to the line
from the furthest distance."”

“If you use a hose
and someone else uses a hose,

"both hose users are disqualified."

Will somebody have used the hose?

Because there's the danger
of being disqualified.

"Furthest distance between
contestant and pint glass

"while filling wins."

"You have a maximum of minutes.
Your time starts now."

Surely, why doesn't it just say,

“If you use the hose,
you'll be disqualified,

or, "You must not use the hose"?

Who else is going to use the hose
with me?

So, in Taskmaster,
it's you against four other people.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

And if one of them
also uses a hose...

Yeah.
..then you'll both be disqualified.

Ahh!
LAUGHTER

Now you've suggested it,

we're all locked in
a complex game of quadruple bluff.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, we're not going
to get a better intro

to this whole task than the quote,

"Now the hose has been mentioned,

"we're all locked
in a game of quadruple bluff."

It's a sort of classic
Taskmaster task.

First up, Ivo,
Jenny, Frankie, and Mae.

I think Kiell's going
to use the hose.

I'm convinced
he's going to go, "Nah."

That's my impersonation of him -
"Nah, I'm using the hose."

I think I can win
this task hose-free.

I think it might be down to pipes.

Where's the glass?

Glass is in the bath.

Ah.

LAUGHTER

It's not full.

Nah. Nah, nah, nah.

You've got five minutes, Ivo.

Not even on the string yet.

FRANKIE GRUNTS

Right, so that's just going
to fill that glass, is it? Yeah.

I'm pretty confident,

but I'm just going to get
out of the way of it slightly.

Yeah. I'd...I'd like to do that.

LAUGHTER

That's what I need to do.

I need, um, tubes,
cos that's not working.

I've never tied a glass
to a piece of string before.

You haven't got that long, Ivo.

How confident are you
in your system?

I think it's very flawed. OK.

LAUGHTER

I bet no other bastard
used that hose.

OK, now I'm going to get
a big jug of water...

Yeah.

...and it's going to flow.

Can't see what's going to go wrong.

There was sarcasm.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot.
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

FRANKIE LAUGHS

I have another idea.

Oh, good.
LAUGHTER

Has it come out the other end, Alex?

No.

I have a theory. Ah.

Perhaps some bubbles
will deaden the fall.

LAUGHTER
Right. You've got three minutes.

Someone's going to use the hose,
and the hose is long.

Oh, the hose is long, yeah.

OK, we'll start that again there.

It's filling.

Jenny, I've logged that distance.

You still have five minutes if
you wanted to have a second attempt.

OK. I'd like a balloon
of water and a dart.

What have I got,
a couple of minutes?

Yeah. You've got one minute
and a half, Frankie.

I'm going to lob the glass.

It'll be cushioned by the bubbles.

It will fill up with water...
HE LAUGHS

...and, uh,
I'll have completed the task.

Thank you for being
my assistant, Alex.

All or nothing.

GLASS SHATTERS

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

That wasn't an encouraging noise.

No, it didn't sound great, but...

Could've been some
bubbles bursting.

LAUGHTER

You've got four seconds.

Three, two, one.

WHISTLE BLOWS

We lost a bit.
We lost a bit on entry.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Watch your eyes.

SHE LAUGHS

It's not to the line
and you've got one more balloon.

OK.

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND EXCLAIM

Oh!

Did it say over the line?

As long as it's to the line.

It's to the line. You done?
WHISTLE BLOWS

Thanks, Mae.
AUDIENCE APPLAUD

Now, Jenny, you've got one minute.
OK.

So close.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

It's over the line.

OK. Thank you, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was great, Jenny.

It was probably the best thing

you've done on the whole series,
I feel.

Honestly, it was possibly one
of the coolest things

I've ever done in my life.

It was so cool,
and you filled it twice, so...

Yeah, doubler. Doubler.
It was a doubler, yeah.

Write that down.
Oh, I have written it down. Doubler.

Do you want me to write it down
again? Doubler! I'll double it.

LAUGHTER
. metres - half a London bus.

OK. Well done. Thank you.

Mae, was it genuinely your intention

to just throw a pint of water
in the air...

LAUGHTER

...and hope that it all landed
in a glass?

Yeah.

I think in my head I was a cartoon,

and it would be like... Blahhh!
Yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

You did manage to get . metres -
the same as a London bus.

Well done, Mae. Exactly? Well done.

Exactly. Exactly.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Frankie, I thought the initial thing,
you put some thought into...

Yeah.

...but when I saw you
just tossing Fairy Liquid

into a bath...
LAUGHTER

You thought, "I'm going to burn
this whole task to the ground.”

I thought it might work.

Uh, I still think
it might have worked,

because all the glass was submerged.

It was broken but it was submerged,

so, in a way, the water
was over the line.

Doesn't... Doesn't say that
you don't have to break the glass.

I mean, it wasn't full,
but it was covered in water.

It was fuller,

because it was covered
in water on both sides.

LAUGHTER

Onto Ivo's cascading roller-coaster.

Hmm. From the very beginning,

it looked like a sure-fire edition
to your list of failures, I thought,

but, in fact, a partial success.

Yeah, the system worked,

but he was let down cos he didn't
put enough water in the glass.

And was he a good distance
from there? He was.

He was about two and a bit
London buses, . metres.

Ooh, that's good. Yeah.

Frankie was two thirds
of a London bus, . metres.

But the outside of your glass,
dry as a bone.

LAUGHTER

Break time now, and as
an inspiration for our competitors,

I've been training Alex
to fart Land Of Hope And Glory.

So, please, Alex, take it away.

ALEX GRUNTS

Ahh, no, Daddy! It's whoops!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back.

It's great to have you here
for this almighty final.

And it's time to see whether Kiell
did opt for the hose option

in the glass-filling task.

I feel like no-one else
is going to use the hose.

Even though you might get
disqualified

if someone else uses the hose?

No risk, no reward.

Is that true?

I don't know.
LAUGHTER

Right, if I'm someone else
and I've read that...

Who are you pretending to be?

Mae.

LAUGHTER
And what are they doing?

IMITATES MAE: I'm not going
to use the hose. It's too scary.

So, I'd quite like you
to be Frankie now.

IMITATES FRANKIE: I think
that the hose should be left alone.

LAUGHTER

Uh, I'll do the rest
just cause I'm here. Yeah, lvo.

IMITATES VO: Hose? Uh...
Uh, no. I don't think so. Uh...

Well, maybe... Uh, no.
I'm not going to use the hose.

LAUGHTER
Mm-hm. And then Jenny.

Uh, Jenny.
HE CHUCKLES

IMITATES JENNY: Where is the hose?
Where is it?

I can't be bothered with it.
I've changed my mind.

LAUGHTER

Right, are you going
to use the hose then? Yes.

Nobody else is going to do this.

No way, hose-y.

Oh, sh*t!
LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

Ahh! Make it stop! The children!
LAUGHTER

On, please.

Hose on!

Come on. Yeah.

Is it doing it?

Doesn't look like it is.

Is there anything in that cup?

You've got to be kidding me.
LAUGHTER

I might need to get closer.

I will move the measuring gnome.

I thought this was going
to be really easy.

Come on.

That's nowhere near it.

seconds left.

sh*t!
LAUGHTER

Ahh!

Oh, boy.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Please turn the hose off.

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND EXCLAIM

JENNY LAUGHS EXCITEDLY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a drama.

Oh... Yeah.

We certainly couldn't have predicted
a grown man shouting at water,

"Go in the glass, bruv."

LAUGHTER

I thought it was going
to be so easy.

You made the hose sound
like it was, like, the dream.

That's what he does -
he lures people in.

No, it is...it is the dream.
Did you just watch that?

I think I'm not
the only one here thinking,

"Put the end of the hose
in the glass,

"make it as long as possible,

"go to the tap..."

LAUGHTER

"..turn the tap on.”

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear.

You were . metres away.

I mean, bear in mind,
Ivo was metres away.

Please stop using me as
a yardstick for failure.

LAUGHTER

That could be your merchandise.

LAUGHTER
A yardstick for failure?

Oh, dear, dear.

No points to Kiell, amazingly.
No points to Ivo.

No points, probably, to Frankie -
that's up to you.

Come on.

I'm not giving Frankie a point

for having water outside
the broken glass.

That's very creative, but come on.

No to Frankie,

which means it's four
to Jenny with the darts

and solid tube technique,
and five to Mae Martin.

Ah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very good.

Can we see what's happening
on the scoreboard, please?

Yes.

We have Frankie on one point,
and at the other end of the table,

Mae Martin has a full ten points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, what's next?

Ooh. Thank goodness.

It's chess o'clock.

Oh, dear. Mm. I know.

I see.

IVO LAUGHS

What's so funny?

Uh, most of the things,
but I'll start with the Vaseline.

This...

...sinister implications.

Ooh.

"Do what Alex does immediately
after Alex does it

"in exactly
the same time as Alex does it."

"You must press your button
when you're satisfied

"you have done what Alex has done."

"If you do not complete
an activity,

"ten seconds will be
added to your time."

"Closest to the same
total time wins."

"The time starts
when Alex presses his button.”

We haven't started yet. Yep.
LAUGHTER

So, we take turns, yes?

We're playing chess. Oh.

This clock... Yeah.
..will tell you what time...

Is there any point
me looking at that? No. No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, so, it's a sort of copycat chess.

Exactly that.

I just want to point out
that Jenny's version of "hello"

has morphed across this series

to be almost always something along
the lines of, "Oh, no."

LAUGHTER
"Oh, dear."

I think something horrible happens.

Yes, it does.

LAUGHTER

All right, then. It's intense.

Forget Kasparov versus Deep Blue.

This is Kiell and Mae
versus Deep Horne.

Argh.

LAUGHTER

Good luck, Mae. Thank you.

Good luck, Kiell.

Good luck, Alex.

TIMER BEEPS

I'm going to eat a banana.

TIMER BEEPS

TIMER BEEPS

LAUGHTER

Quite slow.

I'm now going to sharpen a pencil.

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to sharpen a pencil.

TIMER BEEPS

TIMER BEEPS

I'm going to have winks.

LAUGHTER

TIMER BEEPS

I'm now going to do some maths.

Oh, Christ.

I'm going to do some maths.

MAE WHIMPERS

Should've sharpened
this pencil properly.

Uh, pfft!

I don't remember how to do this.

TIMER BEEPS
I did some.

I'm now going to put
five rubber bands on my face.

HE CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

TIMER BEEPS

You avoided your eyes.

Yeah.

Yeah, smart.

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to open the box.

LAUGHTER

TIMER BEEPS

How can I open the box?

Well, you need the code.

Where's the code?

I don't know the code.

You should have
a four-digit number, Mae.

Should

Could you just hold this for a sec?

LAUGHTER

TIMER BEEPS

I'm going to inflate
an entire balloon.

TIMER BEEPS

TIMER BEEPS

I'm now going to put my
banana skin in the Vaseline pot.

OK.
AUDIENCE GROANS

TIMER BEEPS

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to make a dog.

LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.

TIMER BEEPS

I'm going to use this to tie that.

There. It lives.

LAUGHTER

TIMER BEEPS

It's got short back legs.
LAUGHTER

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to pop my dog.

Yeah.

TIMER BEEPS
We're finished.

Thank you, Alex. Good game.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Kiell, why did you take
so long with that banana?

LAUGHTER

I like to enjoy my meals.

Interesting.
And sinister for some reason.

LAUGHTER

Well, they both did pretty well.

Kiell was three minutes
five seconds slower than me.

Mae, who has been very good
at Taskmaster throughout Taskmaster,

two minutes and eight seconds
slower than me,

which is pretty impressive.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next, here's a very Jenny attempt
by Jenny.

Oh, God.

Yes, are you ready, Jenny?
Yeah, I'm ready, Alex.

Here we go.
TIMER BEEPS

I'm going to eat a banana.

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to eat a banana.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

This is my fifth banana today.

LAUGHTER

OK. All right.
I've finished that banana.

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to sharpen my pencil. Mm.

Shall I do your face as well?

LAUGHTER
Is that what I did? Yeah.

Oh.

I'm going to do some maths.

I'm going to do some maths.

Eight eights are .

Carry five.

It takes...

I know an easier way.

LAUGHTER

Instantly face-lifted.
LAUGHTER

Maybe I should've done it like that.
SHE LAUGHS

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to open the box.

Well, I'm going to open the box.
OK.

I've done the f*cking sum wrong.
LAUGHTER

I've done the f*cking sum wrong,
haven't I?

OK, give me a minute. OK.

... Eight sixes...

Yeah.

TIMER BEEPS

LAUGHTER

It's like the worst
birthday party ever!

LAUGHTER

TIMER BEEPS

I'm going to put my banana skin
in my Vaseline pot.

You f*cking weird freak.
LAUGHTER

Oh, Alex, it's really good.
There he is.

BALLOON POPS, SHE LAUGHS

It's curled up in its basket.
LAUGHTER

Yeah. I'm going to pop my dog.

BALLOON POPS, SHE SHOUTS

TIMER BEEPS

Why did you do that?

I'm going to pop my dog.
BALLOON POPS

Ahh!

TIMER BEEPS
And we're done.

I'm going to go and take
some paracetamol for my face.

OK. Thank you. Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I only understood the chess thing

cos I'd seen that rather good drama
with... What's that girl called?

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Queen's... The Queen's Gambit.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I've never seen anything
that's further removed

from The Queen's Gambit.
LAUGHTER

Your balloon dog
looked like intestines.

I was amazed
that you hadn't shat yourself

because you'd had so many bananas.

It was just very stressful
to watch, to be honest.

LAUGHTER

Good. We're halfway
through the final.

Before long,
one person will take home

some Greg Davies merchandise,

and one person will take home
this Greg Davies trophy,

but who will take home Greg Davies?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome back to the penultimate part
of this Taskmaster final.

Alex, please
sit on the edge of your chair,

recap the current task
like it's a half-time pep talk

for a sports team.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
Ten little tasks,

four minutes on the clock.

Closest to those four minutes wins.

Ivo, Frankie,
you're going to smash it!

OK, ready? Let's go.

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm just going to mirror you
in every way.

In every way? Every way.

Good luck.

Here we go.

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to eat a banana.

I'm going to eat a banana.

Think I've got plenty of time.

You seem to be quite a slow eater.

It's like you were trying
to establish an alibi.

LAUGHTER

TIMERS BEEP

I'm going to sharpen my pencil.

I'm going to sharpen my pencil.

You did that quickly and
with some bitterness behind it.

TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to have winks.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to do some maths now.

Ah.

You can always take the hit
and press the button.

TIMER BEEPS

OK, I'm going to put
five rubber bands on my face.

Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.

FRANKIE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

what?

Oh.
TIMER BEEPS

LAUGHTER

Oh.

Opened.

TIMER BEEPS
All right.

TIMER BEEPS

I'm going to put the banana skin
in the tub.

HE SCOFFS

I'm going to put the banana skin
in the tub.

All the way in, please.

AUDIENCE GROAN AND LAUGH

LAUGHTER

TIMER BEEPS, BUZZER

I feel this is the same dog
after it got run over.

'I stick it down with
the Vaseline. There we are.

TIMER BEEPS

I'm going to pop the dog.

TIMER BEEPS

We're finished.

Ivo, do you think there was
something you did that might've

sabotaged your attempt a little?
Narrow it down.

It was the moment where you blinded
yourself with the elastic bands.

When I was on the, uh, train
about five hours after this task,

someone on the train asked
if I'd been in an accident.

LAUGHTER

It sort of looked like
an Ann Summers party

that'd gone wrong.

You know, the balloons
and the Vaseline and all that.

Yeah, or gone right. Or very...
LAUGHTER

...very right.

Were you surprised when

Frankie stamped
all over the little box?

I wasn't surprised at all.
LAUGHTER

I'm not great
when I'm under pressure.

Or when I'm not.
LAUGHTER

But you were great
at this kind of thing.

You got there one minute
after me.

Ivo?

Ivo had two ten-second penalties
cos he didn't open the box,

so he didn't get the gloves,
and that was funny.

And he also didn't make a dog
because of his moist, moist hands.

So, Frankie, . .
Ivo, . ... Is that...? .. .

AUDIENCE: Aw!
I'm sorry. But pretty good.

Which means that Jenny...
HE CHUCKLES

...one point for
your eight minutes ,

LAUGHTER
Kiel, two points.

Mae, three points.

Ivo, four points.

But Frankie Boyle gets five points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I have another one, please?

You may, but it's the last one.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

I know. And then, bedtime.

Hello, Frankie. Hello.

Hello, Ivo. Hello, Alex.

Ahh!

I thought I stole this pen.
LAUGHTER

The outside of the task says,

"Write the name of
a profession in this hole,

“then open the task."

Hmm.
Plumber. Architect. That's smart.

I'm trying to think what
the task is going to be.

Let's write something
that's going to be easy.

If we put "dog walker",

we might at least
get to meet a dog.

LAUGHTER
what about artist?

Artist is good because... Yeah.
Cos it's a bit... Open-ended.

...open-ended. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah? Let's do artist. Yeah. Right.

I'm writing "artist". Artist.

So, you're counting dog walker
as a profession?

Yeah, I don't want to...
I don't want to be too down on...

Yeah. I mean, it's...

If it's very rarely
in the drop-down menu, but...

LAUGHTER

...but nor is...
you know, nor is stand-up.

OK. Fingers crossed.

"Perform an original lullaby
for a dog walker."

"Perform an original lullaby
for an artist."

"Most soporific, profession-specific
lullaby wins.

"You have minutes.
Your time starts now."

What sort of artist is this?

Watercolours.

We can go through
all the paint colours, can't we?

Can we find a dog
that would fall asleep?

Something that's really
on its last legs from the vet.

LAUGHTER

You want to use
our allotted half hour...

...to seek out a nearly dead dog?

LAUGHTER

Uh, "aquamarine” -
that's a good word.

Can you harmonise?

No, not really.

But I can certainly think
of some dog species that rhyme.

Look what I birthed, that's a baby.

Looks at this little artist.

There. I'll put a body
so it's got...

LAUGHTER

Oh. ..a bit of a body.
I'm glad you wrapped it up.

Let's wrap that back up.
Wrap that back up, like that.

Let's swaddle.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, a limbless potato baby
and a dead dog.

Oh, I'm feeling lovely
and sleepy already.

LAUGHTER

"Can you harmonise?"

“No, but I can certainly think
of some dog species that rhyme."

With that, the new Lennon
and McCartney were born.

LAUGHTER
Thank you very much.

Performing a lullaby
for a dog walker,

it's Frankie B and Ivo G.

# It's a long day walking
with a Labrador

# Now you're coming home
through your own front door

# Your legs are tired
and your knees are weak

# Soon like a dog
you will be put to sleep... #

LAUGHTER

# Your work is vital
Don't misconstrue it

# Without you, we'd have
to walk our own dogs

# Or get a neighbour to do it... #
LAUGHTER

# Your bed is where
you feel nice and smug

# Recoil your face up like
an ancient pug

# You live your whole life
with eight dogs on a lead

# Trying to work out
if they pooed or they peed

# You spend your whole life
in your local park

# But no more dogging
for you after dark... #

LAUGHTER

BOTH: # It's a long day
walking with a Labrador

# Now you're coming home
through your own front door

# Your legs are tired
and your knees are weak

# Soon like a dog,
you will be put to sleep

# Dog walker, you sure ain't cheap

# Dog walker,
go the f*ck to sleep. #

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a kind reaction.

LAUGHTER

Yep, within four lines,
something was euthanised.

And were you playing percussion
on a dog mess bag?

Yep. Nice touch.

And then right at the end,
Ivo referenced group sex.

LAUGHTER
It's the most horrific lullaby.

It seems like an att*ck
on dog walkers.

But if don't tune in,
it is soporific, I think.

It was soporific, yeah.

I was hoping for a bridge.

LAUGHTER

I'd have jumped off anything
by the end of that.

LAUGHTER

Right, we're going to stop again
with just one part to go

before our winner is crowned.

But before the break,
I just want to give you this, Alex.

Oh.

I'm really looking forward to it.

It's the greatest day of my life!
AUDIENCE: Aw!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello,

and welcome back to our grand final!

I can't believe it's nearly over.
I need soothing, Alex.

Well, then,
I've got good news, by big baby boy,

because I have a soothing lullaby
for you all good to go.

It's Jenny, Kiell, and Mae
with their song Baby Artist.

MAE PLAYS SOOTHING MELODY, SNORING

MAE AND KIELL: # Sleep, baby artist

# You're very, very tired

# Sleep, baby artist

# Your pains have expired

# You're breathing in turps

# we'll give you a burp... #

MAE BURPS

# You're our baby artist

# You're loved, baby artist,
tonight

# Aquamarine... #
LAUGHTER

# Cadmium yellow

# Viridian

# Mars black

# Burnt umber

# Indigo blue

# Raw sienna

# Light ochre

# Alizarin crimson

# Magenta

# French ultramarine

# Cerulean blue. #

SNORING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I didn't see how Jenny closed

the eyes of the baby like that
at the end.

That was... That was horrible.
LAUGHTER

When Jenny started
randomly listing colours,

I swear I saw that baby's eyes
pop open.

LAUGHTER

Its head span.

She's very much
the Bez in the group.

LAUGHTER

Which one was most soothing, Greg?

I mean there wasn't much in it,
if I'm honest.

What, you think they were the same?

I'm judging it on
what was the most soporific,

what would make me go to sleep,

and I think that the group of three

may only just clinch it,

and that's only because
every now and again,

I might come out of my lovely slumber

to hear something's being m*rder*d.
LAUGHTER

OK, so, we're giving five points
to the team of three, are we?

Yeah, but I'm giving them four.
Well, there we go.

Four points for the team of two,
five for the team of three. Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done. Well done, you.

OK, everyone, for the last time,

please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRAMATICALLY: Welcome.

Hi, Greg. Hello, mate.

Got my whistle and my iPad.
I'm happy.

Yes. The final-final task.
Are you excited?

I'm so excited about this one.

And who's going to read it out?

Jenny Eclair. Ahh.

This is such an honour.
Thank you very much.

"Convince the Taskmaster
that your feet are not in ice

"when they are in ice

"or that your feet aren't in ice
when they are in ice.

"You must keep your feet either
in ice or not in ice

"for seconds before
the Taskmaster makes his judgment.

"If the Taskmaster is correct,
you are disqualified.

"Last player standing wins."

Yeah, so, just to explain,
there is ice in their boxes.

There's little trays of ice.

You're going to have seconds

to either get in it
or not get in it.

Greg will be watching you,

so you can do whatever you want
within that box

to convince him you are not
what you are.

OK, everyone ready?

Yes. Mm.
WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

He's just... Wait.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIM AND LAUGH

You've got...

You've got seconds
if you want to change your minds.

LAUGHTER
Ah! Oh! Ah!

OK, now stay put for seconds.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Greg, examine.

JENNY GROANS

LAUGHTER

Oh!

LAUGHTER

I take it your feet are really
ice-cold, are they, Jenny?

You might think that.

LAUGHTER

Or are they? Oh! Hmm.

I don't think...
HE LAUGHS

They're all...

They're all trying
to make out they're in ice.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Well, that's your seconds up,

so we're going to go down the line.
Ready?

Ready. Frankie.

Ice.

It is ice.

We've lost Frankie.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Ivo Graham.

Not ice.

A bad actor.

LAUGHTER
We've lost Ivo.

Jenny Eclair.

Not ice.

Mwah-ha-ha! Oh! Ice!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kiell.

Not ice.

We've lost another one.
This might be Jenny's game.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

It's my skill, at last!

LAUGHTER

Mae Martin.

Not ice!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We have a winner.

Am I the winner? It's Jenny Eclair!

How did that happen?!

What a climax to the final.

Please come down and we'll see
how it's affected the final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me.

What an ending.

It's the way
we always wanted it to end.

LAUGHTER

With only Jenny Eclair fooling you,

which means that Jenny Eclair
gets the full five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It does mean something's happened
to the scoreboard.

Is there a cat amongst the pigeons?

There's two cats
amongst the pigeons.

If we look at the top,

with points,
we have Mae Martin and Jenny Eclair.

No!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I proclaim a tie-break.

Yes, it's the first of the series.

Simple task - scream the loudest
with your mouth closed.

LAUGHTER

And here's how they both got on.

Right. Silently screaming, OK.

Well not silently, ideally,
but mouth shut.

No, I... Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.

MUFFLED SCREAMING

THEY CONTINUE MUFFLED SCREAMING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Mae Martin's
closed-mouth scream

registered . decibels,

whereas Jenny's was . decibels,

which means that Jenny
is the winner!

There it is!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jenny Eclair wins the episode!

Please go and grab
all your Greggy goodies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here we are again,

the bitter-sweet celebration
that is the end of a series,

a new champion
just moments from glory.

Damn, they fought hard,

and for one of them,
their tenacious tasking

was actually worthwhile.

So, please, allow me to beckon forth
my faithful lapdog

to prove his reason for being.

Little Alex Horne,

pray tell, what are the final scores?

In fifth place,
it's Ivo with points.

Yay!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The next three are all in the s.

We've got Frankie Boyle
on points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With points, suddenly in third,
it's Jenny Eclair.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And just above them,
with points,

it's Kiell Smith-Bynoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The winner has been up there
for quite a while now.

They've got points.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Over to you, Greg.

Whoa.

Our new Taskmaster Champion is...

...Mae Martin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here you go, Mae. Well done.
Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES