01x07 - The Puff People

[bunniefuu]

Wow. This is so exciting.

I've never been
to Grailfest before.

Indeed. It's the world's biggest
convention for Holy Grail fans.

Rip, can you just imagine
if you found the Grail someday?

I'd have to buy
a friggin' oxygen t*nk

because I wouldn't deserve
to breathe the same air as you.

Ha! That's certainly true,
Swooper, my good friend.

Folks. Everyone has
the Holy Grail all wrong.

It's not that it grants
eternal life, no, no.

It brings the dead back to life.

Jesus, Ganesha, Osiris.

They all drank from the Grail...

[echoing]:
and returned to life.

Oh, Bella, someday
I'll find the Holy Grail

and bring you back to life.

And then we will make love
in the light of the waxing moon.

Our guttural cries echoing
in the olive black night

like the roars of a sexually
receptive chimera in estrus.

- Right, Rip? Rip?
- Huh? What-what were you saying?

I said that guy was
a grade A loon.

He really thinks the Grail can
bring the dead back to life?

I didn't expect you to be
so closed-minded, Saltine.

Let me guess, you also believe
the Earth is flat,

despite mounting evidence
to the contrary.

What? No,
I'm just saying that I hope

the Grail can't resurrect
people, that's creepy.

I got to side with
Saltine here, boss.

Only a f*cking monster
would want to raise the dead.

Oh. [chuckles] Well, yeah,
I mean, of course I agree,

but what if someone wanted
to use it once for, like,

a really good cause, and then
they'd give it to a museum?

Good one, Rip.
Obviously, using an artifact

for a selfish reason like that

would break the arky code,
which we would never do, right?

[chuckling]:
Totally. Of course not.

Okay, good.
Well, I'm off.

I heard
there's another woman here,

and I want to see
if I can find her.

♪ ♪

ZANE: And that's essentially
how I keep

my bum looking so proper fit.

- Did I answer your question?
- No. My question was,

what's your favorite holiday?

Well, what do you say
we all get to

the real reason
we're here today?

Who loves museums?

- [cheering]
- [laughs]

That's what I thought.
And guess what.

There's gonna be a new top dog
in the museum game.

Take a look.

[over speakers]:
Hammurabi's hat.

Edison's telephone.
Angela's ashes.

Big momma's house.

These were some of the greatest
lost treasures in history,

until now, because soon
you'll be able to find them all

inside the greatest museum
the world has ever known--

the Eegan.

But I'm not opening my museum
until we find

the most important relic
of all: the Holy Grail.

And I'm not releasing
my new single

- until we find it.
- This year...

BOTH:
We will find the Holy Grail.

QUAIL [echoing]:
The Eegan.

All right, listen up.
I got good money

for anyone who can tell me
where to find the Grail.

ALL:
I know, I know...

It's inside the sphinx,
but only I know where.

Let me guess.
Inside the left nostril.

- It's not. I checked.
- It's inside the Titanic.

Stowed behind the condenser
in the turbine room?

I looked.
Nothing but starfish.

I know where it is, but you'll
have to do something for me.

Get out of here,
Indiana Jones.

You f*cking perv.
Come on.

Does anyone have an actual lead?

Thought not.

Hey, you're new here.

Think you know
where the Grail is hidden?

I don't think anything.

I know where it is.

Oh, yeah? Where?

I ain't telling just anyone.

Only someone who's looking
for it for the right reasons.

So, why are you looking for it?

[scoffs] Why, 'tis the desire
of every arky to...

to... [sighs]

For true love,
that's the only reason,

I must admit
most heartfeltedly.

Right answer.

Follow this map.

But what are
all these blue lines? Oh, I see.

Those are letters.
Hmm. This is interesting.

I wonder what Saltine
and Swooper will think.

Wait, I can't tell them.
They'd think I'm a monster

on par with Nosferatu himself.

Looks like
I got to do this solo.

- [screeches]
- [chuckles] All right, fine.

You can come, too. Thank you
for the map, my new friend

who immediately ghosted me?

Well, time to hit the road.

♪ ♪

Blueberry pie?!

[grunts]

Wow.
I could be on the verge of

the most important
moment of my life.

At a time like this,
I believe John Keats put it best

when he wrote--
Fleety, stop eating grass!

[retches]

Any word from Rip?
It's been a week.

Don't worry.
It's not the first time

he's taken off like this.

Hmm. [gasps] I know.

I'll look for clues
inside his secret chamber.

That's a bad idea.

Because of the stink.

But if you absolutely insist,
you'll need this.

- Because of the stink.
- [sighs]

[groans] It does stink.

What the hell?

Now, let's see.
Where might Rip leave a clue?

Hmm.

[gasps] That's it.

Yeah, well,
that's why the yield

on the benchmark ten-year
Treasury note keeps rising.

- I got it!
- Hey, I was shitposting.

I found a code
in Rip's bathroom that uses

the same syntax
as my pet cat's tracking chip.

I think there's a tracker
in Fleety. [gasps]

- I'm right. Look.
- [grunts]

He's on a mountain in Alaska.

I don't have
a good feeling about this.

What if he's in danger?

I don't want to see his name
on a tombstone.

His name is spelled R-I-P.

You should get used
to seeing it on tombstones.

Gas up the plane, Swooper.
We're heading to Alaska.

No can do.
Rip and Fleety are

in the White Hell
Mountain Range.

It's inaccessible
by normal plane.

- You got to hike there.
- We don't have time for that.

Well, if you flew
to a suborbital altitude,

you could parachute in,
but there's only

one aircraft in the world
that can do that,

and you're not gonna like
who has it.

Quail Eegan.

Sorry, I'm just setting up
the voice mail for my new phone.

So, what's this
about wanting to use my plane?

Careful, Fleety.
I get the feeling we're about

to encounter a dark
and unfathomable horror.

A Lovecraftian nightmare
meant to shatter our sanity

and cast our fragile minds
into deepest despair.

Nope. I was wrong.

- [lively chatter]
- Whee!

[laughter]

Hey, couple quick questions.
Who are you,

and what the hell is this place?

We are the Puff People.

This is the Realm of Cumulus

in the great
Kingdom of Puffland.

And that is
the Jar on the Shelf.

You don't say.

Legend has it that
whoever is able

to pull that jar down
from the shelf

is the one true Lord of Cumulus.

I've been practicing all year.

I know I can reach the jar.

- [all gasp]
- [grunting]

- [others groaning]
- Doggone it, it's impossible.

RIP:
Mind if I try?

[gasping]

- [laughter]
- [laughs] Sure,

if you feel like
embarrassing yourself.

This ought to be good.

[laughter]

[all gasp]

All hail our new lord.

Sorry I disrespected you,
my lord.

If you like, you may bed my wife
while I watch.

[chuckles] Okay.
Well, actually, no.

I'm on a mission,
so no, thank you.

- Rats.
- Now, great Lord of Cumulus,

you must travel to Castle Puff

and make yourself known
to the king.

[fanfare playing]

Oh, I don't know if I'm up
for all that.

I'm just looking for a grail.

You must mean the king's grail.

You can find it at Castle Puff.

Oh, no sh*t?
Okay, then, sure, yeah.

- I'll go meet the king.
- Huzzah!

You thinking what I'm thinking,
Fleety? -[screeches]

Oh, yeah, no,
I wasn't thinking that.

Eh, I don't know
if Ronald McDonald is sterile.

I mean, if I had to guess, I'd
say he's childless by choice,

but I really couldn't say.

So, what do you think
of my expensive space plane?

[sputters] You may have all
the latest gadgets and gizmos,

but there's one thing
this plane doesn't have--

- a bathroom.
- Yes, it does.

- It's right over there.
- Oh, really? Whoops.

I took a dump
in a flight helmet.

Aw, poor Saltine.

You're only now learning
that Rip is as deceptive

as an Eastern gray squirrel,

which is a far more deceptive
animal than a snake.

He doesn't give
one figgy whit about you.

That's not true.

Isn't it?
He clearly got a hot tip

at Grailfest and went off
to find the Grail by himself

so he wouldn't have
to share credit with you.

I should know. He used to do
the same thing to me.

[sputters] I just want to find
him and make sure he's safe.

Oh, such a good assistant arky.

After I find the Grail,
you should come work for me

alongside
your little friend Trisket

when she gets back
from Birthright.

I would never do that.

I hate you, you arse.

Excuse me, what about that time

you were sh*t
by a poisoned dart?

I told you where to find
the bloody antidote.

- You're the one who sh*t me.
- Yeah, fair enough.

QUAIL:
Attention, passengers.

I'm turning off
the seat belt sign.

Feel free to get up
from your seat

and jump your asses
out of my plane.

Gonna be pretty hard
for me to not yell "cowabunga."

Oh, please don't.

- [grunts]
- Cowabunga...!

♪ ♪

[crying]

They say it's good to be king,
but I find it sad.

There, there, sir.

- All is not lost.
- HERALD: King Puff.

You have a visitor.

The new lord
from the Realm of Cumulus.

Really? Show him in.
Show him in.

Good King,
I am Lord Rip Digman.

[whoops]

Uhp, you dropped this, King.

My lad,
I am so happy to meet you.

Me? Why?

My daughter is almost
years old,

which is when
Puff People start to talk

if a young lady is
not yet married.

Yeah, that's a tough age
for a woman.

I've tried to arrange
a match with every lord

in Puffland,
and they've all rejected her.

But perhaps
you and she may hit it off.

What? [groans]

I'm sure she's lovely,
my short king,

but I must confess,
I'm only here for the Grail.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I would be happy
to give you the Grail

if you marry my daughter.

Really? Okay.

Wonderful.

There is one final test, though.

To be certain that
you truly deserve the Grail,

you must be able to identify it.

♪ ♪

- That one.
- Correct. Okay, great.

You'll marry my daughter
tomorrow. -Great.

But shouldn't I meet her first?

I mean, she has no say in
whether or not she gets married.

That's entirely
up to the two of us.

But sure, you can meet
her if you want, simp.

- What was that?
- Oh, nothing, nothing.

Splendid idea.
Whatever you want.

♪ ♪

I can't believe
this place is real.

Well, there have been rumors
of a land like this.

But then again,
there are rumors that

I got fillers in my earlobes to
make them look taut and shapely.

- And that's obviously not true.
- VENDOR: Sheriff Sludgely,

I'm begging you.
I've already paid my taxes.

What more could you want?

The princess is
getting married tomorrow,

so the king has instituted
a wedding tax to pay for it.

And now there's
a surcharge on top of that

for mouthing off to me.

- There we go.
- I hope you're happy.

I won't be able to feed my kids.

Lucky for them, thin is in.
[laughs]

- This is terrible.
- Yeah, it reminds me of

- my poverty-stricken childhood.
- I didn't know that about you.

I assumed you were born with
a silver spoon in your mouth.

No, no. In fact,
when I was born,

my mouth was completely empty.

[grunts]

♪ ♪

I believe these are yours, milady.

Thank you, kind stranger.

I'll think of you tonight
as I b*at off.

Right.

- I may have underestimated you.
- Perhaps so.

I figured a good deed could help
lead us closer to the Grail.

You see, I'm always thinking
two steps ahead. -Wow.

And sometimes it's three.

The f*ck!

All right, Fleety.
I don't feel great

about marrying someone
just to get the Grail.

So here's the plan.
I'll make the princess hate me

so that she'll be glad
to be rid of me.

- No harm, no foul.
- Lord Digman.

This is my daughter, Gasolina.

I wish I could stay, but
I must oversee an execution.

[imitates spring boing]

So, you're the big sh*t
who wants to marry me, huh?

That's right,
and just so you know,

I think a woman's place
is in the kitchen.

Really?
Wow, that's so...

- progressive.
- What?

Women aren't allowed
to cook meals in Puffland.

I've never met
such an open-minded man.

Uh, I-I should also tell you
that I think the homeless

- should be thrown in jail.
- Instead of incinerated?

Oh, you compassionate hunk.

All right. Didn't know that.

Man,
Puffland's pretty f*cked-up.

- Uh, I'm unemployed.
- You better be.

Being my husband is
a full-time job.

I lie a lot.

So do I.
On my bed, on my couch.

- We are the same.
- I hate kissing.

Me, too. Just get to
the good stuff already.

I'm riddled with disease.

The better to boost
my immunity with, my sweet.

I think the Earth is flat.

Despite mounting evidence
to the contrary?

Oh, I love your confidence.

Man, this is all backfiring.
Better kick it up a notch.

Okay, well,
I'm gonna go roll around

in that manure
over there. [grunts]

[gasps] My king.

Everyone else shames me
for that.

Rip Digman,
I absolutely love you,

and I can't wait
till we're married.

Aw, why must I be
the perfect man?!

Guess what I just overheard
at the bar.

[gasps] Someone's drink order?

No, the royal wedding tomorrow.

It's between the princess
and Lord Rip Digman.

But the only dating Rip is
interested in is carbon dating.

I'm sure it's just a ruse
to get to the Grail.

But let's not worry
about that now. Cheers.

You know, Zane,
maybe I've got you wrong.

It's just that
I've seen you act like--

pardon my French--

[French accent]:
kind of a d*ck.

[French accent]:
Your French is pardoned.

- [gasping]
- Attention, fellow Puffs.

Whosoever in here
knows the identity of

the wicked rogue
who robbed me of my coins

shall receive a tidy reward.

[groans] These pricks again?

I believe I can help you
with that. She's the thief.

I saw her knock you out
and steal all your gold.

Check her belongings.

- Zane!
- [grunts]

- No!
- Arrest her.

Hey!

But I, but I...

And now you dare call me
"butt eye"?

- Throw her in the dungeon.
- VENDOR: Oh!

Thank you, good citizen.

You know, we could use
more honorable men like you

to serve as guards
at the royal wedding tomorrow.

- Interested?
- Oh, very much so.

Zane, how could you?

I thought
you were misunderstood,

but I was wrong.
You were stood. Hmm.

I've never been this happy.

Oh, Rip,
promise you'll never leave me.

Uh, of course I won't.

That's good,
because if you do,

I'll be sent to the Misery Zone.

What's that now?

That's the law
of Puffland, silly.

Any woman
whose husband leaves her

is banished to the Misery Zone,

where she will endure
a lifetime of torment.

- Oh, f*ck me.
- I will!

Tomorrow, after the wedding.

Stupid Grail, making me
compromise my many morals.

Fleety, get back here!

Stupid Zane,
tricking me into thinking

he's a good guy.
[gasps] Fleety?

- Saltine? -Rip?
- And me.

- Sorry, who are you?
- I'm Snerdley Toothbottom.

- Oh.
- So, what's the move?

- What are we thinking?
- Um, we don't know you.

Fine. I'll just roll away.

Come here, yummy feet.

So, you need to figure out
how to get out of the marriage

without endangering Gasolina
but also get the Grail?

Yeah, but it seems hopeless.

Not so fast.
There's always hope

when there's a library.

Well, I agree with that!

It's so unfair.

For years,
I've pined after Gasolina,

but the king has rebuffed
my every advance

because I'm not royalty and
because I'm completely sleazy.

And now this Rip Digman
shows up out of nowhere

and he's fit
to wed the princess?

There's no way
he'll lock her in

as nice a chamber as I would.

Pardon me, sir, but
one thing I've learned is that

if there's something
you want in this world,

you have to fight for it,
perhaps even k*ll for it.

I knew I liked you,
and not just because of

your taut,
shapely earlobes.

Yes. Perhaps it's time
the king learns

what I'm truly capable of.

[giggling]

- Whoa!
- Where can I find books about

the history and laws
of Puffland?

My dear, you're looking at it.

SALTINE:
Wow.

Looks like I need to put on

my library visor.

♪ ♪

According to
The Altostratusilmarillion,

Rain Graysky usurped the throne
from Altitudinus Cloud

When Winona Non Strata joined
Seamus O'Zone's clan.

Whee!

- So there are ten kingdoms?
- Exactly.

But inside the tenth kingdom
is an th kingdom.

And Lord Breezy was
known across the land

for his wonderful playing
of the Puffle flute...

The fog fee occurs
every nine clouds

unless the ninth cloud appears
in the shape of a bigger cloud.

So, when every last Pufff
was slain,

the Puffs took over the land.

But I thought
the Puffs were all k*lled.

No, the Puffs with three Fs
were k*lled.

The Puffs with two Fs
still reign supreme.

Now, as for the Puffffs...

[groans] This is so much
to take in.

You should see the main library.

- This isn't the main library?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

This library only covers
the last five years

of Puffland history.

Or no, not years.

What do you call them?
Months.

Ugh, that is what I call them.

Yeah, even I get confused
at times,

and I know more than anyone.

Well, let's keep going.

So, the Mistborn clan--
or as they're known

in the West
on even-numbered days...

- That's it!
- [screams]

In keeping with
Puffland tradition,

let's cut to the chase.

Do you, Gasolina,
take Lord Rip Digman of Cumulus

- to be your husband?
- I do. Ooh!

And do you take Princess
Gasolina to be your wife?

Oh, what
an interesting question.

- Stop the wedding!
- [gasping]

What is the meaning of this?

You two can't be married
because Rip is a lord of Cumulus

and, as such, cannot be wed

to a Puffland princess
until he's kept the Grail

in his grasp
for three storm cycles.

So you must give him the Grail,

and Gasolina has to be named
Queen Ruler in his leave.

- Says who?
- The Book of Nimbulomos.

It's because Gasolina was born

under the cloud sign
of Condensation

- during the ninth vapor moon.
- By the Puffs above!

Great work, Saltine.

How'd you learn
all this so fast?

I didn't. Their history
is so convoluted,

I realized nobody would
know the difference

if I just made up
a bunch of bullshit.

- That's so smart.
- Very well.

I've always considered myself
a textualist,

so I will obey
the letter of the law.

Lord Digman,
you may take the Grail,

and I shall give my crown
to my daughter.

I hope it's not too late
to object.

- [guests gasping]
- It actually is.

Stop right there. [screams]

[guests gasping]

No one is going anywhere

until the princess marries me!

What do you say, Princess?

Excited for me
to be your prince?

Actually, she's queen now,
so you'll be king.

- Even better.
- I'm so glad

I don't have to deal
with this sh*t anymore.

- Rip, do something.
- Well, this is a pickle,

to be sure.
And I would love to help out,

but I have lower back issues,

so I'm just gonna
snag this Grail and head out.

Me thinks not. [grunts]

Oh, no! Damn it! Not the Grail!

Wait. You're more upset
about the Grail than me?

Did you never really love me?

Alas, 'tis true,
sweet Gasolina.

I never caught feelings.

So the man I love
doesn't love me,

and a man I hate is
forcing me to marry him?

This feels like
the perfect plot for a TV show,

but sadly, it is just my life.

But it need not be.

You tall twit. What is this?

A surprise twist.

[groaning]

- [others gasp]
- Puffs alive!

Your Majesty,
I've been undercover,

trying to foil
Sludgely's vile plan.

Not because I want the Grail
like this Rip jerk over there,

but because I love you,
my queen.

Though I know we cannot marry

because I lack the nobility.

No, no, no, I'm the queen.

I can choose who I marry,
and I choose you.

And you can keep that Grail,
too, you big old hunk.

- What? No!
- Three steps ahead.

Continuing our
around-the-clock coverage,

Zane Troy has found
the Holy Grail

and a brand-new bride.

He's married Queen Gasolina
of the Puff People,

which, yes,
sounds weird to us, too.

Sorry we brought Zane
to Puffland, Rip.

I guess he wouldn't have
snatched the Grail

- if it weren't for us.
- Go ahead and clock me, boss.

I deserve it.
Just f*cking clock me.

No, you guys only brought Zane

because I ran off,
and you were worried.

I have but myself to blame.

Yeah, why didn't you include us?

TBH, I was afraid
you'd think ill of me

if you knew
I truly wanted the Grail.

Rip, you're a friend.
There's nothing you can say

that would make us
think any less of you.

Yeah, we're here for you.

- Exactly.
- Oh, well, in that case.

Follow me.

Your secret chamber is actually
a secret chamber?

And now it's time
I tell you all the truth.

- BOTH: Oh, my God!
- Good gravy!

I've been keeping
Bella's frozen corpse

down here
in my secret chamber. Whew.

Wow. I'm glad that's
out in the open now.

Anyway, uh,
what should we get for lunch?

I'm thinking family-style chili.

Hey, w-what are you guys
looking at?

Oh, my goggles,
that's why you want the Grail,

to bring Bella back to life,

even though that
would break the arky code.

You lied to me.
Zane was right.

You are as deceptive
as an Eastern gray squirrel.

Let me guess,
he pronounced it "square-l"?

The guy's a freakazoid.

I'm sorry, Rip, but I quit.

- Goodbye forever.
- Saltine, please, no!

Wait. Don't let the door hit
your ass on the way out!

- [door closes]
- SALTINE: Ow! My ass!

Well, I tried to warn you!

It's a very swingy door.

But I will point out
you did quit,

so you're not eligible
for workers' comp.

You guys heard, right?

[cries] This couldn't get
any worse!

♪ ♪

- Looks like your plan worked.
- Yes.

Despite the best efforts
of those foolish royals,

we're finally free
of that accursed Grail.

What are you guys talking about?

ALL:
Nothing, Snerdley Toothbottom!

[groans]

Chirp.