01x08 - The Grail

[bunniefuu]

[audience cheering]

[grunts]

I'll be cheering for you, Quail.

- Thanks, Sheila.
- He knows my name.

Make us proud, Quail.

I'll try my best,
Principal Gunther.

He knows my name.

ANNOUNCER: This
is for the championship.

Yes, he's got it. He's jumped
the highest jump of all.

[cheering, applause]

I won, Dad. Coach said

I might be the highest jumper
in the state.

HAWK:
Mm-hmm.

I'm also the star quarterback
of the football team.

But that's a fall sport,
and it's spring right now.

- Mm.
- I'm also the valedictorian

- with a full ride to college?
- [grunts]

Dad, aren't you proud of me?

[can clatters]

You'll never own...

...a museum.

[groans]

Big day today, Mr. Eegan.

Are you excited
for your grand opening?

Shut the f*ck up.

Now that it's been a few days,
I just want to say

I'm so glad that I finally
told you guys

I've been keeping Bella's
frozen corpse in my chamber.

I still can't believe
Saltine freaked out and quit.

I mean, it's just
my late wife's dead body.

That's not so weird, is it?

- [groans]
- Well, I mean, you know...

Wait a minute,
What's with the hemming?

To say nothing of the hawing.

It is weird, Rip.

But everybody's a little weird.

For example,
for a brief period in the s,

I used to eat
my pizza crust first.

Ew!

Um, okay, so we're even.

How did you manage
to pull this off?

A fine question, for 'tis a tale

most worthy of telling indeed.

It all began years ago
on the Zientek glacier.

This cave bird doesn't look
like she's aged a day.

That's because the glacier's
ice contains special mineral

properties that preserve bodies
for eternity.

But once a body is removed,
it's only a matter of minutes

- before it crumbles to dust.
- That was the museum.

We got to head to Mondonesia
to find the molten idol.

And we all know
how that turned out.

I will not let you die!

Oh, God,
her heart stopped b*ating.

That's the type of day
I'm having.

[grunting]

[panting]

[grunting]

[crying]

[grunting]

[cries, grunts]

And I've been looking
for the Holy Grail ever since.

While the glacier ice has
kept her perfectly preserved.

Wow. Great story.

And you're not worried
that the ice is melting?

What? Aw!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Oh, so it's not supposed to be.

Okay, nobody panic.

To the microfiche.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, crap. It says here
that the Zientek ice's

unique chemical composition
is breaking down

and there's nothing we can do.

And at the rate
Bella's block is melting...

We have less than a day
before it's gone.

Good thing I know
where the Grail is now.

At Quail's new museum.

I'll just go steal it from him,
as is my wont.

- I'm in.
- I'm in, too.

But it won't be easy. Today

is Quail's museum opening.

RIP: Oh, I didn't even know
we had a TV down here.

Welcome back to the Eegan
Museum's opening ceremony.

It's a day
of nonstop excitement,

all leading up to the grand
opening tonight at : p.m.

But before that happens, Zane
Troy will debut his new single

and become the latest celebrity
to also launch a music career.

Following in the footsteps
of Florence Foster Jenkins.

That place is crawling
with security.

In that case, I won't bring
the Grail to Bella.

I'll bring Bella to the Grail.

It's just too bad
Saltine isn't here to help.

I'm actually glad she's gone
'cause she was so annoying.

She was always pushing
my butt in.

I think you mean
"pushing my buttons"?

What? No, that's not a phrase.

She was pushing my butt in.

You know, getting under my skin,
rubbing me the wrong way,

bursting my butthole.

You mean "bursting your bubble"?

No, I don't mean bursting
my bubble, g*dd*mn it!

What don't you understand here,
you stubborn old mule?

- Hey, watch it, buster.
- Agatha, walk with me.

My main man Rip has something
called "idiom blindness."

It's very rare,
but it's real, and he's got it.

So if you're really his friend,
you'll just ignore it

and pretend he said
the right thing.

- That's insane.
- But you got to think about it

from his perspective.
He's living in hell.

Idioms are flying
this way and that,

and poor Rippy thinks
they're all about his butt.

[sighs] Fine.

Sorry about that, Rip.

Apology graciously accepted...
by me.

Anyway, Saltine sucks,
and we all agree.

Nevertheless, I wonder
what she's up to right now.

- Here's your itinerary, boss.
- Oh, thanks, Saltine.

- You are an amazing assistant.
- Thank you, sir.

You know, I had my reservations
about working for you,

but then I realized
I needed a job

if I didn't want
to starve to death.

Oh, that's so kind
of you to say, Saltine.

It's not too early
for champagne, is it?

[grunts]

- Uh...
- What? I drink.

I smoke.
You got a problem with that?

Take it up
with I don't give a rat's ass!

[laughs]:
Oh, my darling wife.

It's so wonderful
to see you, baby.

It's even more wonderful
to be me.

[moaning]

I love being a wife guy.

I know. You're such a wife guy.

[whoops]

Can I be honest? I'm surprised

the two of you
are still together.

I thought you were
only marrying her for the Grail.

Oh, at first so did I,
but she showed me things

in the bedroom that have
made me question the fabric

- of my reality in a good way.
- [groans]

- Hey, boss.
- Trisket, just in time.

Listen, I need the two of you to
keep watch over the Holy Grail

until its big unveiling tonight.

It's a massive responsibility,
but I trust you.

And thy trust shall
be rewarded, good sir.

Great, uh,

- but-but don't say that, yeah?
- You got it.

AGATHA: I tracked down
the blueprints for the Eegan,

thanks to my shadowy network
of lowlives and scoundrels.

Don't even ask what I had to do.

I wasn't going to.

Asking questions is
a sign of weakness in a man.

Agreed.
We'll put Bella in a crate,

and you'll sneak her in
by posing as a delivery man.

Swooper will be your driver.

Ever driven a delivery truck?

Come on, Rip, you know I can
drive, sail or fly anything.

Except a pogo stick.

So don't even think
about making me use a pogo.

- I hate that!
- That's fine, Swooper.

I'm not going to ask you
to use a pogo stick.

Good. And don't ask me
why I feel this way.

[crying]:
The memory is too painful!

This is so cool
that we get to work together.

And we get to guard the Grail?

If anyone tries to take it,
I'm gonna be like, "Gadoosh!"

Yeah. And then I'll be like,
"Kadorf."

Whoa. Really?

Yeah. Did I mention I'm crazy?

Well, I'm gonna hit the can.

Okay.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE:
Bitch.

What? Who said that?

- Fat bitch.
- [gasps] Wait.

The Holy Grail shouldn't
call people b*tches.

[screams]

[heads screech]

- [screeches]
- [screams]

[screaming]

[gasps] Oh, my God! What
were those hellish visions?

- [screams]
- You all right, Saltine?

Um...

yeah, I just forgot
I have an appointment

with, uh, my plastic surgeon.

I'm getting my butt...

cr*ck...

lengthened.

Okay.

All right, Swooper,
if I'm not back by : p.m.,

- you know what to do.
- Yep. Freak out and go nuts.

Just totally wigging out
and attacking people

- and screaming your name.
- Exactly.

No, wait. It means I'm in
trouble and you need to help me.

Got my papers right here

from the Totally Legit
Delivery Company.

- Sounds totally legit.
- What the...?

I don't
remember ordering anything

from Totally Legit Delivery.

Freeze it.

Zoom in... closer.

Closer.

I'd recognize
that pore anywhere.

That's Rip Digman.

- Why would Rip Digman be here?
- There can only be one reason.

He thinks he co-wrote
my new song.

But it was an interpolation!

Zaney!

Oh, it's you.

- I need to ask you something.
- Let me guess.

Where do babies come from?

Look, I don't know, okay?

No, it's about the Grail.

I know the Grail
came from Puffland,

- so I thought maybe you...
- You don't know anything!

I think you've had
too much champagne.

More like nine much champagne.

[sighs]
Give me a light, would you?

Let me guess.

It called you a bitch.

Yes, and I'm not a bitch.

Unless I haven't had my java.

Did it also show you hellish
visions, including a pig nun?

Pig nun, yes!
Why's it doing that?

I wish I knew.

There were some
in Puffland who hated

the Grail, wanted it gone.

They said a man
named the Antiquarian

told them the truth about it,

but that's all I know.

Wow.
That's actually quite a bit.

So who is the Antiquarian?

Ugh, what is with all
the questions? I feel like

I'm on an episode
of the hit game show Jeopardy!

Look, my life is
perfect now with Zane.

Don't ruin it
by looking into the Grail.

I'm sorry.
I just want to know what-- aah!

Quit making me feel
like I'm on an episode

of the hit game show Jeopardy!

- And get out of here!
- [screams]

Okay, Swooper, I'm entering
the Hall of Weapons.

Looks like the walls are
quadruple-plated steel.

- So our signal might...
- [static crackling]

What's that, Rippy?
You're breaking up. Rip!

Swooper. Hello?

ZANE:
Rip Digman.

I always knew
this day would come.

Tuesday, June th. How?

Not the date.
I'm talking about...

our final showdown.

Now... choose your w*apon.

- [squeaks]
- Very well. [grunts]

What the...?

Oh, sh*t.

Uh, no matter.

I shall still but defeat you.

Prepare to meet...

your physical equal!

[both shouting]

Too bad the signal gave out.

But knowing Rip,
he's doing just fine.

[both grunting]

I know why you're here, Rip.

- You do? [grunts]
- Yes.

You think you co-wrote my song,

so you're here
to ruin my performance.

Oh, thank God.
Yes, that's exactly it.

I knew it.

That's always been your problem.

You've never wanted
to share the spotlight

because you knew I was better.

That's why you held me back
all those years.

- [grunts]
- [shouting]

I never held you back.

I was only so tough on you

because I wanted you
to be the best.

Like the teacher
in that Paul Reiser movie

Whiplash.

[both grunting]

Well, then you betrayed me
like Paul Reiser in Alien.

And now I'm mad about you!

That is horrid grammar.

- [grunts]
- Ow. [whimpers]

If you're such
a great mentor, Rip,

then why do
your assistants keep quitting?

You know, when Saltine came
to me begging for a job,

I hired her because I knew
we shared a special connection.

- [gasps]
- Unless you didn't know.

You didn't, did you?

Well, she's my assistant now.

And she says I'm the best boss

she's ever had.

- No!
- [grunting]

Aah! Room temperature tea!

- [angry squeaking]
- [yells, groans]

[grunts]

Fleety! [grunts]

Aw, man.

[grunting]

- [groans, gasps]
- Face it, Rip.

Your story ends here,

while my legend
will only continue to grow.

That's always been your problem, Zane.

You care more about personal
glory than you do about history.

I mean, did you even know
that, during the Reformation,

Catholicism was outlawed
in England

so homes were built
with hidden priest holes

where clergy members could hide?

- So?
- So...

you're standing on one.

- Now, Fleety!
- [grunts]

Whoa!

- Bloody hell!
- [squeaks]

All right, Fleety, let's go back

- and get that crate.
- TRISKET: Boss?

ZANE:
Over here! I'm in a priest hole!

Oh, my God. "In a priest hole"?

I have so many
distasteful retorts to that,

but I'm not even gonna go there!

[gasps]

Oh, crap!

You're the only person
I could turn to. Please.

I thought you quit.
I don't help quitters.

I know, but I need information.

And nobody knows more
about the underbelly

of the arky world than you.

So, tell me,
who is the Antiquarian?

I prayed
this day would never come.

I guess that proves it.

I don't know how to pray.

Agatha! Please tell me who it is

or I'll absolutely beef
in my khakis!

Fine. He knows more than anyone

about rare and obscure
historical objects,

but he's not someone
you want anything to do with.

Look, I've already said
too much.

Just stay away
from his nightclub

on the outskirts of town
at Hemlock Avenue,

even though there's
usually ample street parking.

You don't think
she could be going to the...?

Nah.

TRISKET:
Rip, I know you're in here.

I can smell your monkey.

Fleety! You see what happens
when you don't let me

- give you a bath?
- [grumbles]

Huh.

What the dickens?

Oh, God! Who's this gonna be?!

Dad, look, I took all the money
I made from my new invention

and I bought a vase dating from
the days of Alexander the Great.

I know it's not much,
but one day

I'll own a museum full of them.

Dad?
[gasps]

[buzzing]

♪ ♪

That's my dad. He always dreamed
of seeing me open a museum,

but he d*ed before I ever could.

So I had him
cryogenically frozen

until I could find
the Holy Grail

and bring him back
to make him proud.

You don't think
that's weird, do you?

Oh, wait. Of course you don't.

- [grunts]
- Whoa!

What is that?!

Huh?! Is that Bella?!

Wow, this is crazy!

She's, like,
frozen or something?

I know
you brought her here, Rip.

We have you on,
like, cameras.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Now, what do you say
we bring them

both back to life?

Rip, do you copy?

Damn it. Rip,
just in case you can hear me,

I feel it's time to finally
admit why I hate pogo sticks.

I used to love pogo-sticking
as a kid.

I'd pogo all over town.

But then, one day,
I left my pogo unattended,

and my grandpa, who idolized me,

took it for a ride.

He pogoed up to the town canyon

- and went over the edge...
- [gasps]

- No!
- [screaming]

...where he bounced off

the canyon floor
and then sh*t up

into the sky!
And he got chopped up

in a passing seaplane's
propeller.

No...!

The whole experience
made my family uncomfortable.

And ever since that day,

- I never pogoed again.
- [thunder crashes]

[sighs deeply]

Okay, our next item is a
th century Queen Anne highboy.

Can I get a ten, ten, ten?

How about now, now?

Ten, ten, ten, ...

Pennsylvania Dutch tinware

with a tole-painted design.

Vibrant colors.

Gooseneck spout.

Yeah, I'd say that, in auction,

this would go for roughly...

nine Gs!

Wow. Thank you, Antiquarian.

Go see my associate
to set up the auction.

Our cut is %.

And who the hell are you?

I'm interested
in the Holy Grail.

No sh*t. Who isn't?
It's the ultimate antique.

Every assh*le in here wants
that thing on their mantel.

Taffy? Mmm.

Hooey, that's some salty water.

No, you don't understand.

I'm talking about the Grail
that came from Puffland.

Something's wrong with it.

I don't know nothing

- about that.
- Yes, you do.

And so what?
I ought to wash your mouth out

with distilled white vinegar

and scrub you
with artisanal potpourri

for even mentioning that thing
around me.

Now b*at it or I'll put
an antique b*llet in your brain.

Do that

and they'll be cleaning you
off the ceiling for weeks.

Agatha? But I thought you said
you don't help quitters.

I always say crazy sh*t
like that.

I was just being random.

Now you're gonna tell us
everything about the Grail.

Fine. I'll tell you.

But you're not gonna like it.

[upbeat music playing]

- Yeah.
- [cheering]

[chuckles]
Thank you!

And now please welcome
Quail Eegan!

Showmanship!

Now, I know there's been talk

that I didn't find
the real Holy Grail.

So how about I prove it?

- [whirring]
- [cheering]

[singsongy]: Let's resurrect
some frozen corpses!

This is my dad.

And that's the great arky
Bella Torres,

who didn't take
Rip Digman's last name.

As you may know, they've
both been dead for years.

[singsongy]:
But not for much longer.

- MAN: Oh, my gosh.
- [murmuring]

♪ ♪

Son?

- [gasping]
- Dad.

Is it really you?

Where am I?

The last thing I remember,

I was in the kitchen.

That's right, Dad.
You d*ed years ago,

but I became a billionaire
and brought you back to life

using the Holy Grail

so that you could see
my spectacular new museum.

That's what I was going
to guess happened.

Oh, Quail, I'm so proud of you.

I love you.

- I love you, too!
- [cheering]

MAN:
Wow. Did you just see that?

That was amazing.

Your turn.

Okay.

Something's wrong.
I got to help Rip.

But this museum is huge.
How will I find him in time?

So we meet again,
you springy bitch.

Okay.

Here I go.

WOMAN:
No, Rip! Don't! Don't!

- Who said that?
- [grunts] Rip!

- Don't!
- Saltine said that!

Oh, this is just my luck.
Here I am, trying to revive

my frozen spouse with water
from the Holy Grail,

and who interrupts me?

My former assistant!

I wouldn't believe it myself
if it wasn't my own crazy life!

Rip, don't do it! It's...
[grunts]

Anyways, back to this. Aw.

I haven't seen that ear
in many moons.

Huh.

I forgot about that scar,
though. [gasps]

I'm just gonna open it.

I don't think
it's booby-trapped.

It definitely is.

I doubt it.

- [creaking]
- [grunting]

[gasps]

It's gonna leave a scar,

but you'll be fine.

Why didn't you listen to me?

I was trying to enjoy the ride

and you just kept pushing
my butt in.

Rip, you only say that

when someone who loves you
is trying to help you.

You get mad that they know
what's best for you.

Why would I get mad about that?

Because you have
major psychological issues

and you should go to therapy.

The industry of death?!

Just remember this, Rip--

whenever you think someone
is "pushing your butt in,"

it means they care about you.

So you should always listen
to them...

[echoing]: and do what they say.

♪ ♪

[quietly]:
Rip, what are you waiting for?

Let her drink from the Grail.

- Bring her back.
- Yes, give her a sip.

As another
recently revived American,

I can say
it was quite refreshing.

- No.
- [gasping]

And pray tell, why not?

Because even though
I want more than anything

to bring Bella back to life,

what she would want me to do

is listen to someone
who pushes my butt in.

[grunts]
Whip!

[yells]

[grunts]
Jump kick!

I was a cod-headed fool
to let you quit, Saltine.

- I'm sorry.
- Rip!

I conquered
my fear of pogo sticks!

The main thing
we all care about!

Oh, sh*t. Is that the Grail?

They stopped you
from giving it to Bella?

Don't worry! I'm on it!

- Swooper, no!
- Swooper, no!

No...!

- [panting]
- [grunts]

Bella?

My love?

Yes, it's me.

I'm here.

[chuckles]

Not you.

[low chuckle]

- Huh?!
- My dear.

Papa?

I was trying to tell you--

it's not the Holy Grail.

It's the Unholy Grail.

[distorted]:
I'll be taking that.

Whoa!

Let's raise a glass...

to evil.

How did I not notice
that sticker?

Bella,
if you can hear me in there,

you have to fight this!

I am no longer Bella.

I am the Antichrist!

And I am...

[distorted]: the Uncle Christ.

Auntie Christ and Uncle Christ.

That's really clever!

And, together, we shall destroy

all of mankind!

[screaming]

Die!

Huh.

HOWARD TOE: Following the
incident at the Eegan tonight,

the Antichrist and Uncle Christ
destroyed a power plant,

throwing the world further
into chaos.

Hey, guys. Sorry again
for bringing Bella back to life

as the embodiment of pure evil.

To make it up to you,

I got acai bowls for everyone!

Swooper, there's no time
for acai bowls right now.

- Not even a bite?
- No!

Because we have a new mission.

[sighs]
Stupid Antichrist

ruining my grand opening.

Hello, Mr. Eegan.

Billy Themet?

What are you doing here?

I checked out your museum

and found it to be...

quite impressive indeed.

But I ruined it all
by unleashing hell on Earth.

On the contrary.

The Antichrist
and the Uncle Christ

may prove quite useful to us.

Tell me, Mr. Eegan,
have you ever heard of...

The Council?

RIP:
We have

a mission to restore order
to the world.

A mission to undo the horrors
I have very indirectly caused.

And there's only one way
to accomplish said mission.

We have to k*ll Bella.

- [gasping]
- And how are we gonna do that?

I'll tell you next season.

- Season?
- Yeah. As mentioned,

today was June ,
aka the last day of spring.

And it will be midnight
in three,

two, one.
Now, as I was say...

Chirp.