04x05 - The Night They Raided Bradfords

[bunniefuu]

(Tom)

'Well, well, well, Nicholas'

'I have an extremely

interesting hand'

so I'm warning you

to be careful.

It is your bet. What do you do?

I bet one licorice.

You're only opening

for one licorice?

You must have a very weak hand.

So I will see that bet

of one licorice

and I will raise you

five lemon and lime.

I see your five lemon and limes

and raise you all these.

You're raising all of those?

Aha!

I get it, you must be bluffing.

Well, I'm going to see that bet

because you cannot bluff

a bluffer.

So in the future,

young man, beware--

Dad, can you b*at

a straight flush?

A straight flush?

Well..

What..

Why did you only open

for one licorice

with a straight flush?

- You hate licorice.

- I was bluffing.

No, no, no,

nobody bluffs on a good hand.

But that's what makes

a great bluffer.

[theme song]

♪ There's a magic

in the early morning ♪

♪ We found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪

♪ On everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪

♪ Oh we spend our days ♪

♪ Like bright and shiny

new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪

♪ By the changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives ♪

♪ With love ♪♪

(Tom)

'Baloney, salami'

'a little Virginia ham'

'just a touch of liverwurst'

and a slice of slightly aged

Wisconsin cheddar.

Hm, hey, you're sure it's okay

for me to play

in the poker game?

Oh, yes, of course.

Max is bringing a new man too.

- You will be perfectly welcome.

- Good.

Oh, boy, I cannot wait

to see the guys' faces

when they see these things

of beauty that I've prepared.

[hiccups]

[sighs]

You know, you have

a very peculiar way, Abby

of admiring

my culinary expertise.

Oh, Tom, I'm sorry.

It's-it's not your sandwiches.

It's, it's just that, well,

I've been doing this

on and off all day

and I just can't seem

to shake these...hiccups.

Oh, well, then

why didn't you say something?

What you need is the patented

Bradford family cure.

- A family cure.

- Oh, yes.

Now what you do,

watch me closely.

First, you take a deep breath.

Then you--

Tom, I've tried

holding my breath.

Yeah, but have you tried

sticking your fingers

in your ears?

- 'What?'

- Like this.

[laughs]

[hiccups]

You know, it may look funny

but it's

the only surefire method

for hiccup relief.

Hm.

(man on radio)

'So we've moved to the top

of the force with the Cyclones'

'holding on to a three

nothing lead over Modesto.'

'So far, Merle "The Pearl"'

'has had them eating

out of his hands'

'mixing his pitches well.'

I thought I heard the game.

How's Merle doing?

Oh, he's pitching shutout ball.

- Why do you look so worried?

- I'm not worried. Panicked.

Oh, Mary, I've gone through

everything at my place

plus halfway through these

and I still can't find

anything to wear.

- Susan, where are you going?

- Oh, to meet Linda Mae.

- Linda who?

- Stockwell.

Merle's sister

from Siloam Springs.

'Oh, right.'

She's coming

to spend a week with us

and I really wanna make

the right impression on her.

Oh, I was wondering

when they were gonna send

someone to check out

the new in-laws.

Yeah, well, it's tonight and

since Merle's pitching Modesto

I have to meet her bus,

take her back to our place

and entertain her

until Merle gets home.

- When do we get to meet her?

- 'Not for a couple of days.'

I want her to get used to me

before I subject her

to the entire

Bradford menagerie.

Oh, come on, Susan,

you know she's gonna love you.

Oh, come on, Mary,

what do I have in common

with a country girl

from Arkansas?

A country boy named Merle.

[sighs]

Pick a card, any card.

Okay, hotshot.

- What is it?

- Queen of diamonds.

Hey, that was pretty good.

How did you do it?

Easy. The cards are marked.

Yeah? Where did you get 'em?

Well, I traded Kenny P. Landers

my ice skates for the cards

and ta-da, Boris!

Hey, he's pretty neat.

Let's here him talk.

Well, I'm not good at it.

My lips move.

Well, what do you expect?

I mean, it takes a long time

and a lot of practice

to learn how to be

a ventriloquist.

It's uh,

it's like playing guitar.

Yeah, but I feel funny

talking to myself.

Well, I read once

that the secret of ventriloquism

is to make-believe

that the dummy's a real person.

Like who?

Well, who does he remind you of?

Kenny P. Landers.

Then make him talk like Kenny P.

Only, uh, don't do it

around dad.

Oh, here, these will be great.

Give you that extra

little panache.

Yup. Take a look.

Oh, Joannie,

so far I've stubbed two toes

bruised an ankle

and skinned my knee.

Let's just face the facts, huh?

I'm not cut-out

to be a stripper.

Oh, no, Nance, I know it's hard

but Chips requires

six chorus girls.

The rep company only has five.

You don't want me to blow it

as a choreographer, do you?

Well, then why don't you just

get Elizabeth to be number six?

After all, she is the dancer

of the family.

Believe me, I would have

if I could have.

She's got a cold.

Well, I can't learn

these steps by Sunday.

Oh, Sunday?

You gotta learn 'em by tonight.

- Tonight?

- Yes.

The rest of the girls

are coming over

for dress rehearsal.

- Dress rehearsal?

- Well, you're right.

Maybe in this play,

it's undress rehearsal.

Hi, Ab, ready to go

to the movies?

Sorry, I didn't get that.

- I can't go, I've got the..

- Hiccups.

I just can't seem

to get rid of 'em.

Have you tried putting your head

under cold water?

- Oh.

- My cards.

- I can't find my cards.

- What?

The poker game

starts in one hour

and I can't find

a deck of cards.

Oh, well,

the last time I looked

there's a deck of cards

in the armoire.

Oh, thanks.

[sneezes]

- Oh, hi, Janet.

- 'Oh, hi.'

Um, Abby, uh, you're the last

one I have to ask my favor to.

What favor?

Well, I have a chance

to raise my poli sci grade

if everyone promises

to stay off the phone tonight.

How will everybody

staying off the phone

help your poli sci grade?

Well, see, Cathy Bilton and I

are doing a paper,

Predictive Results

for the local elections today

'and we are both

supposed to go down'

'to voting headquarters tonight'

'but, uh,

I got this stupid cold'

so poor Cathy has to go down

there by herself.

She's gonna call every time

a precinct comes in

and I'm gonna match the real

results to our predictions.

We picked some real dark horses.

Great, well, you can count on us

'cause we're going

to the movies.

We are?

As soon as we get rid

of your hiccups.

- Hi, dad.

- Hi, Tommy.

Tommy, wait a minute.

Yes, dad?

Uh, am I having a nightmare

or are you really dressed

like that?

Oh. Uh, it-it's the new image

for our band, dad.

'We dress

like a motorcycle g*ng'

and we're changing our name

to the Wild Rebels.

Wonderful. What are you

rebelling against?

Lack of gigs.

Later.

Nicholas.

No consideration.

Okay, straight hem.

Dress is pressed,

bow is tied.

Turn around.

You know, if I do say so myself

we put together

a pretty good outfit.

Well, it's not exactly Halston,

but I guess it will do.

I hope so, gracious.

(man on radio)

'Wheels and deals.'

'And there's a line drive

back to the boundary, look out!'

'Oh, Merle The Pearl is down!'

'Can't tell where it hit him,

but it looks bad from up here.'

'Teammates gathered

around him on the mound.'

'Manager, Eddie Gravis,

is out there.'

'And the Cyclones' trainer now

is hunched over Stockwell.'

'And, wait, now Gravis

is waving to the dugout.'

Mary, I've got to get to him.

Alright, Susan, call first.

It might not be that serious.

(man on radio)

'But since he got stung

by that line sh*t'

'I've got the feeling,

he maybe un..'

Oh, Mary, I don't get this. No

one's answering at the stadium.

Now maybe they took him

to a hospital.

Well, which hospital

would they take him to?

[sighs]

P-probably Metropolitan.

Okay, I will call you

as soon as I find anything out.

Oh, Linda Mae!

Mary, could you get her for me?

Oh, Susan, I have

a cardiopulmonary study group

in an hour, I mean. We get

issued our CPR dummies tonight.

Please, Mary,

I've got to get to Merle.

Okay, look, I can do both

but I'm not gonna have time

to guest-sit.

Well, just drop her off,

there's plenty of people here

to keep her company.

- Okay.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

Okay, go.

Oh, you better hurry, her bus

arrives in about a half hour.

Will you stop worrying?

I'll get her!

Don't tell 'em

anything about Merle.

I don't want her to get worried.

I promise, nobody knows

anything about Merle

until you get back.

Okay, thanks, Mary,

you're the greatest.

Bye.

(woman on PA system)

'The San Francisco Express is

arriving at ramp number three.'

'We apologize again

for the delay.'

No, mama,

I'm not over at Merle's.

I'm at

the Sacramento bus station.

Merle and his bride

haven't come to pick me up yet

and it's kind of scary.

Oh, the ride was terrible, mama.

It was even worse

than that other bus trip I had.

You remember, my senior class

trip to Little Rock

and I was so nervous,

I got the hives?

[sighs]

Oh, mama, I can't relax.

Um, you know, I wasn't

the person to send out here

to see what Merle

got himself into.

I mean, I mean,

I can tell already

this isn't the kind of life

I'm used to.

I know, I know, I know.

I know,

it's a family obligation.

Yes, mama.

Okay, I'll do my best.

I will, I'll really try.

(woman on PA)

'Will Miss Linda Mae Stockwell'

'please report to the ticket

counter for a message?'

Oh, mama, listen,

they're calling for me. Yeah.

It, it must be Merle

and his bride, uh-huh.

I'll call you back later, okay?

Okay, bye-bye, mama.

[indistinct announcement on PA]

Excuse me,

a-are you answering the page

for the Linda Mae Stockwell?

Why, yes, yes, I'm Linda Mae.

Oh, I'm glad to meet you. I-I'm

Mary Bradford, Susan's sister.

Oh! Oh, ah, yes, I..

I remember you from the wedding

pictures Merle sent us.

Well, uh, welcome to Sacramento.

Oh, thanks,

it's nice to be here finally.

Listen, Mary,

how come Merle and-and Susan

didn't come out to meet me?

Oh, uh, well, Mer..

Uh, Merle's pitching

at Modesto tonight when, uh..

Well, they knew I was coming,

didn't they?

Oh, yes, Linda, they knew,

they knew you were coming.

It's just that, well, see,

Susan had to go someplace, so..

I-i-it was a very unexpected

someplace and..

Oh, it was a real

important someplace.

Well, see, she had to take care

of a sick friend.

- Oh. Yeah, I see, okay.

- Oh, that's good.

Um, but anyway y-you're just

gonna love meeting

all your new relatives,

so why don't we go?

- Okay.

- I'm glad you made it.

Okay.

[motorbikes revving]

Who are they?

Oh, them?

That's just the g*ng

my brother plays with.

- Oh.

- Come on.

(Tom)

'I don't believe it!

I pulled an inside straight!'

Do you have to gloat

over every hand you win?

Oh, you don't understand,

Mr. Harris.

I hardly ever win like this.

Well, I maybe new to this game,

but I'm not new to poker.

The night is young and anything

can happen on a deal.

Well, welcome

to home sweet home.

[chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

What is going on in there?

That's just the poker game.

You mean gambling?

Not the way they play it.

Look, Linda, I'm really sorry

but I've got to get my books

and get to class.

- I-I'm really running late.

- Oh, okay.

Uh, listen, would you mind

if I borrowed your telephone?

I promised my mama

I'd keep in touch.

Oh, well, sure,

but if I were you

I'd grab it while you still

have a dial tone.

My sister Elizabeth

is gonna keep it pretty busy

later checking

on her dark horses.

Horses?

- 'Hello, you little lovelies.'

- 'Oh..'

Hey, daddy must be having

a pretty good night.

Uh, excuse me, Linda Mae,

but I, uh

I promise, as soon as I can,

I'll send someone right down

to, uh, introduce you

to everybody.

(Tom)

'I can't believe it..'

'Take my money.'

[indistinct chatter]

[Abby hiccups]

'No more, no more.'

[hiccups]

- 'No, no, no--'

- 'Yes, yes, yes.'

- No! No.

- No, it's okay, it's okay.

This is guaranteed to work.

I know a judge who uses it.

Oh, Janet, I think I've had

a little too much alre--

Down the hatch.

Come on.

[hiccups]

[laughs]

Oh, Nicholas, you're just

the person I wanted to see.

- I am?

- Hm.

[indistinct chatter]

(Mary)

Linda Mae! Nicholas.

You're really gonna like me

helping out..

Oh, this is my brother Nicholas.

Oh, howdy?

Uh, Nicholas, this is, uh,

Merle's sister, Linda Mae.

Can you play baseball

like Merle?

- Oh, I'm afraid not, Nicholas.

- Oh, that's okay.

Since you're Merle's sister

and all, well, glad to meet ya.

Glad to meet you, too, Nicholas.

[chuckles]

That's good.

Now, uh, look, Nicholas will

introduce you to everybody

um, right?

Okay, have a good time, bye-bye.

Wait a minute, I have somebody

I want you to meet right now.

[indistinct chatter]

Hello, mama, it's me.

No, no, I'm not over at Merle's.

I'm over at the in-laws.

Well..

Well, I have to tell you, mama

they're a little different.

Well, let's just say

they're not exactly

the kind of people

you could take to a church

social in Siloam Springs.

Oh, no, mama,

I don't mean that, I'm..

I'm sure

they're real nice folks.

You know, I'm, I just met

the little fellow, Nicholas

and, and he seems real nice

and normal.

(Nicholas)

'Hello!'

[breathing heavily]

Uh..

Mama, I gotta go

but maybe you better

stay by the phone tonight

just in case.

Bye-bye.

Boris, this is Linda Mae.

Linda Mae, this is Boris.

How do you do, Boris?

It's nice to meet you.

Hey, Nicholas,

was that you on the phone?

You know I'm expecting

important results.

Oh, hey, that was my fault.

I was tying up the line.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, uh, that's okay.

I'm Linda Mae Stockwell,

Merle's sister.

(Elizabeth)

'Oh. Oh, hi. Um, I'm Elizabeth.'

(Linda Mae)

'Hello.'

Stay away from her.

She's full of germ.

[laughs]

Excuse me, Nicholas.

- Elizabeth.

- Yeah?

Is he normal?

Oh. For a Bradford, yeah.

[telephone rings]

Excuse me.

Cathy? Okay, sh**t.

What? A ten-to-one sh*t

and we picked it?

'Well, that's, um..

Hold on a second, okay?'

'Um, Nicholas, why, why don't

you take Linda Mae upstairs'

'so she can freshen up?'

Oh, no, no. That's, that's okay.

I can find my way just fine.

Thank you.

Okay, um, how did

they finish in the fourth?

Wow, that's great! He what?

I'm glad. He'll make

a great councilman. Oh.

Oh.

Give it to me straight, doc.

Ah, you're fine

but in the future,

I would advice you

to stay out of the way

of those line drives.

[laughs]

Will do, doc.

But for now,

there's nothing keeping you

from getting dressed

and out of here.

Hey, wait, y-you mean

I can go back

to Sacramento tonight?

Yeah, the team bus will be here

in a couple of minutes.

[laughs]

Thank you.

Oh, oh, oh, doc, uh,

one more thing, uh..

Who won?

Well, you did, five zip.

Alright.

Nancy, come on.

Where's your energy?

Where is your watch?

Do you realize

we worked right through dinner?

I'll faint if I don't get

any nourishment.

Nourishment is for later.

Now it is work,

work, work, okay.

Alright.

[jazz music]

(Joannie)

'Come on Nancy, it'll be

dynamite. You just relax.'

(Nancy)

'If I were any more relaxed,

I'd be asleep.'

(Joannie)

'Oh, no, come on,

have fun with it.'

Hey, that's great.

Right, now really sell yourself.

Oh.

(Joannie)

'Right, hey Nancy,

go for it, woo!'

'What a way

to make a living.'

[sighs]

[rock music]

What's wrong?

Well, can't you hear it, man?

My amp's screamin' again.

So, it's just the sound

we need.

Ernie, you don't understand.

With each scream,

it could be its last.

- Oh.

- Man, this is a drag.

What we really need

is a new equipment.

But we can't afford

new equipment

until we get some gigs.

Well, I guarantee

that with these new threads

we'll get the gigs.

Ernie, I don't know, man.

It's a toss-up.

I mean, we may end up

with some extra nights

at some nightclubs

or something

but we're leaving ourselves

totally out of the market

for weddings and retirement

parties and bar mitzvahs.

Trust me, Bradford.

This is definitely

our ideal look.

Yeah, well, a look isn't

anything without a sound.

Why don't you guys take five?

I'll see

if I can fix this thing.

Hey, I'm in

for one little white.

[clears throat]

Well, your little white

and two more little whites.

I'm out. Anybody want

anything from the kitchen?

Yeah, I'll have a beer,

I might as well get

something for my money.

(Tom)

'Alright, read 'em and weep.'

Hey, I thought you guys

were goin' to the movies.

(Abby)

We were.

I'm afraid

Abby still has her hiccups.

I am sorry.

- 'How are you doing?'

- Well, not as well as dad.

Hey, Janet, can I talk

to you for a second?

Look, go upstairs

and tell Joannie

that Abby needs

her special hiccup cure.

But, David,

she's had so many already.

Trust me, this one will work.

[laughs]

Are you sure we need to do thi--

You heard what Janet said

there's no other answer.

Yes, but this is insane.

It's better than letting

her go on suffering.

Now you just go up and lie down

and I'm sure

you'll be fine in no time.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Here she comes.

[Abby screams]

- Did I just hear a scream?

- Probably.

You're gonna do something

about it?

If you insist.

Nicholas, stop screaming.

Oh...see.

There's nothing like a good

scare to cure you of the..

...hiccups.

Oh, mama, how am I

gonna get out of here?

[indistinct chatter]

I could swear there was

a screwdriver in there.

Bradford,

you're working too hard.

- Let me fix the amp.

- Are you kidding?

You can't even hang up

the phone without two tries.

[sighs]

Huh?

Could anybody help

a damsel in distress?

Oh, yeah, sure.

- Hey, she's kinda cute.

- Yeah, what's she for?

I'm practicing

cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

- Oh, sorry I asked.

- You know, mouth to mouth?

- Sounds like fun.

- Yeah. Where's she goin'?

Oh, upstairs. I have to practice

my chest pounding.

Now that really sounds like fun.

Really? Come on, dummy.

- Ernie, grab the legs.

- Thanks, Ernie.

(Ernie)

'Man, she sure is heavy.'

You take it easy. This is a

valuable piece of merchandise.

What's the big deal?

She can't feel any pain anyway.

Just take it easy.

Put her down on the bed, okay?

Oh, that poor woman.

- Thanks a lot, guys, really.

- Don't mention it.

If you need any more help,

I'm your willing servant.

[grunts]

[door slams]

- Nicholas, don't slam the door.

- Hey, it might be Tommy.

Well, whoever it is, they're

spoiling my concentration.

Can I take five?

Mom, and they're gamblers!

Yes, ga..

And they're drinkers, mama.

They're ladies

of the evenin', mama.

I even think

they committed a m*rder!

Yes!

I am tellin' the truth, mama.

I swear I am.

I saw the body!

I don't..

Gee, are you willing

to take that chance?

What do you think

they've done to Merle by now?

No!

Alright. Okay, okay, okay.

Alright.

It's what I got to do.

Alright. I'll do it.

Okay, goodbye.

Operator?

Operator, could you get me

the police, please?

- Excuse me?

- Yes?

I'm Mrs. Merle Stockwell.

Is my husband brought here?

I'll see

if we have him registered.

Okay.

Yes, there was

a Merle Stockwell.

But according to this, he was

released minutes ago.

He's gone?

Does that mean he's okay?

I'm sorry.

I just came on duty.

You'd have to talk

to his attending physician.

- Oh, where's he?

- In surgery.

Oh, isn't there anything

you can tell me, please?

Well, it says here that

it was a possible concussion.

But since he was discharged,

he's either fine or..

Or what?

Or he's been sent back

to Sacramento for more tests.

Sacramento?

'If you'd like to wait,

I'm sure the doctor'

'will be out of surgery

in an hour.'

Gentlemen, I love the feel

of chips between my fingers.

That is your fourth pot

in a row.

I can't believe

your luck, dad.

Neither can I.

Well, I guess Dr. Max is still

consulting Abby on her hiccups.

- It's your deal, dad.

- Alright.

This will be draw poker.

Nothing wild but the dealer.

- Uh-huh.

- What?

Uh-huh.

- Yes, indeed.

- Is it that bad?

It is a very serious case

of singultus.

- What?

- Hiccups.

Oh, thanks a lot. I figured

that one out by myself.

[coughs]

Excuse me.

Oh, hey,

maybe this will help you.

Dr. Max, when did you start

carrying a flask?

It's only cough medicine.

Then why do you carry it

in a flask?

Cough syrup at a poker game?

I do have an image to maintain.

[laughs]

Oh, no, thanks,

I think I'll pass.

But if my hiccups suddenly turn

into a cough, I'll let you know.

Well, keep it in case

you change your mind.

I've gotta get back

down to the game

before your husband

wipes everybody out.

- You mean he's winning?

- Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?

If I didn't know him better,

I'd swear he was cheating!

[hiccups]

Right. I'll see you later.

Oh, Nicholas,

where's Linda Mae?

She's asking you

a question, dummy!

Put that thing down

and talk to me.

- Now where is Linda-Mae?

- I don't know.

She's gotta be around here

someplace, I think.

Well, I-I didn't know

what else to do

so I ran out of the house

and I called the police

and there were motorcycles

in the driveway

and there were fancy women

and there was gambling

and all kinds of carrying-on

in that house.

- Are you positive about this?

- Cross my heart.

(male #)

'Okay, ma'am, let's go

check out your complaint.'

(Linda Mae)

'Okay.'

- Are you feeling better?

- Oh, yeah.

I really appreciate you

keeping me company, Janet.

It's just that, well, all these

cures have made me so sleepy.

That's okay.

David will be finished soon.

I'll just go see what Joanie

and Nancy are up to.

Okay. Thank you for helping me

with the hiccups.

Well, I am sure

that a good night's sleep

will rid you of them

once and for all.

Oh, I hope so.

- Goodnight.

- 'Night.'

[jazz music]

Nancy, would you please try

to remember the count?

I am trying.

Come on, we have to start

from the beginning.

Oh, no.

- How's it goin'?

- Oh, not too well.

The other girls are gonna

be here any minute

and she's got two left feet!

Well, the room's too small,

my dress is too tight.

- What do you expect?

- Coordination?

Okay, Ginger Rogers,

get yourself another girl!

Oh, Nancy! Oh, no, no, no, no!

Nancy, please come back! Nancy!

Oh, what am I gonna do?

- Janet.

- Oh, no.

- Janet, yes, yes!

- I can't!

Yes! No, no, no, you can! I'll

teach you everything. Please?

Well, it isn't often a lawyer

gets to strut her stuff!

Yeah!

- Am I crazy?

- Yeah. Alright.

Hey, listen, Bradford

we're gonna hit Frankie's

Fish-N-Chips. You wanna come?

Oh, no, I'm gonna take

this thing upstairs

and try and get it fixed.

- Okay. Catch you later.

- Yeah, later.

See you later.

Tommy, have you seen Linda Mae?

- Linda Mae who?

- Stockwell. Merle's sister?

- I didn't even know he had one.

- Oh, he's got one, alright.

- But I can't figure out where.

- Oh.

Yeah, this is the place.

'You wouldn't believe

all the unspeakable things'

'goin' on in that house.'

Yes, ma'am.

We can't enter the premises

without a search warrant.

Only if we're certain

something illegal is happening.

But there's somebody

being m*rder*d in there.

I saw it with my own two eyes!

We need some more

solid evidence.

Stop them! They're the ones

that hid the body!

(Tom)

'Alright, Max, well, you open.'

(Max)

Don't rush me. I'm thinking!

Okay.

I will open

for one little blue-sy.

I'll see your little bluesy

and raise you

two little bluesies.

Alright. I will,

uh, see that bet

and I will raise it

two more blues.

- He's got four aces!

- No, he's got three fours!

- What did you say?

- I said he's got three fours.

And you got two kings

and two sixes.

- How did you know that?

- Easy. The cards are marked.

Oh! Nicholas, don't ever joke

about a thing like that!

Who's joking?

Tom ,I would never

have believed it!

Oh, now wait a minute.

Please, th-th-th-there

must be some mistake.

I'd say there was and I made it.

Playing in a fixed game!

Winning streak? Hah!

Mr. Harris, wait!

Let me at least give you

back your money!

Mr. Harris, please wait. I'm

sure there's an explanation.

For playing with marked cards?

I doubt it, Mr. Bradford.

[women hooting]

(Linda)

'What did I tell you?'

Look at those hussies.

That must be big daddy.

We got to do something

before it's too late!

Who knows what they could have

been doing to my baby brother?

Get on the radio.

I think we got a -B.

What's a -B?

Vice raid!

We move in five minutes.

You'll have to stay

in the car, ma'am.

I don't understand

how Merle could've got

messed up with people like this.

He never should have

left Siloam Springs.

Yes, ma'am.

From now on, ask who it is

before you open the door.

Oh, come on.

Why do you think

dad got so upset?

He always said to be honest.

Look, Nicholas, I don't know,

but why don't you go down

and tell him the whole thing

was a mistake?

Blame the whole thing

on Kenny P. Landers.

What do you think

dad will do to me?

I don't know

what dad's gonna do to you.

But why don't you just

go down and tell him

so I can fix my amp in peace?

[electricity crackling]

[static]

[jazz music]

[whistles]

I thought you were asleep?

How could I be with

the Joannie Bradford dancers

performing live

outside my bedroom?

Okay, you guys. Good, but it's

gonna come again. Get ready!

How'd she get you to do this?

[jazz music]

(Elizabeth over phone)

'It was five-five hundred

and seventy two.'

Okay, for spelling, right?

- Elizabeth?

- Hold on.

What, Mary?

This is important.

Okay, I'm back.

Elizabeth, I cannot

find Linda Mae.

Well, maybe she's with Nancy

or something, I don't know.

Why don't you check

the screen porch?

Okay, I'm sorry, Cathy.

What was that again?

You two go in from the back.

You two take the sides.

Callaway and I

will take the front.

Now is there any questions?

Okay, let's go!

[knock on door]

- A kid? It's a kid.

- What are you doin' here?

He lives here.

What are you doin' here?

I'm Officer Callaway.

This is Officer Dilnik.

(Tom)

'No, no, no,

come on now, Max.'

Please, how was

I supposed to know

that Nicholas' cards

were marked?

Marked cards.

That's very interesting!

- Who are you?

- Vice squad.

Vice squad? What?

You mean that Harris

called the vice squad

'over a little poker game?'

Will everybody please

hold it down?

I can't hear the results

for the ninth.

Results of the ninth?

Everybody, please stay

where you are.

Don't move!

I'll take that too.

Okay, miss, you have the right

to remain silent.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

what are you doing?

Making book in this state

is illegal.

Oh, no, please, I can assure you

nothing like that

is going on in this house.

Max, you're a doctor.

Do something!

Tom, I heard you made

a k*lling tonight!

'Oh, Max,

don't forget your flask.'

Hold it!

Card sharks,

bookies and now drunks!

Oh, uh, n-n-no sir,

this is just cough syrup.

Sure is, sister. proof?

Officers, please, believe me,

there is absolutely nothing

out of the ordinary

going on here.

[jazz music]

You mean to tell me that nobody

but Nicholas and Elizabeth

have even met Linda Mae?

- Who's Linda Mae?

- What's going on around here?

What's all that racket

out there?

Alright, hold it right there!

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, no, no, no, no

you don't understand.

We're just practicing.

Yeah, for the world's

oldest profession.

- Officer, I'm an attorney.

- Sure.

And I'm Lieutenant Colombo.

I don't know.

I just live here.

- Do you want..

- Oh.

Found these three out back.

I think this one here

was soliciting these two.

What? They're my sisters!

- And that's my wife.

- This is getting ridiculous!

This is getting disgusting!

Officer, if you would

just let us..

[all gasping]

Alright, everybody, freeze.

Merle!

'Merle!'

- Merle!

- Linda Mae?

Oh, Merle! Oh, Merle!

Merle, don't go in there!

What the blazes

are you talking about?

Now don't you worry about

anything, baby brother.

Everything's gonna be alright.

I'm gonna take you

back to Siloam Springs

and Reverend Morton will

straighten you right out.

Linda Mae,

will you talk sense?

Now where's Susan?

I don't know, Merle!

I've never even met her.

What? I gotta find out

what's going on here.

No, no, wait! Merle!

No, Merle! Don't risk it!

So the noise was Tommy's amp

the girls were rehearsing their

dance for the repertory theater

and of course, this must

be the corpus delicti.

- The what?

- The dead body, Nicholas.

Merle!

Oh, and if I'm not mistaken,

this is Linda Mae.

W-will somebody please

tell me what..

- What's goin' on here?

- I think I can.

- You see, this is, uh--

- Merle, where is Susan?

Wha.. That's what

I'm tryin' to find out!

Well, she heard on the radio

that you got hit

so she drove to Modesto.

(Merle)

'Oh, no!'

Look, why don't you call the

Modesto Metropolitan Hospital?

'That's where she went.'

Operator, could you put me

through to Modesto Metropolitan

Hospital, please?

Well, I guess

that about wraps it up.

Sorry to inconvenience

you folks.

Oh no, we're sorry.

I mean, it's easy to jump to

conclusions around this house.

Yeah.

Okay, uh, we'll be on our way.

Sorry, miss.

Hello? Metropolitan hospital?

- Yeah, my name's--

- Merle!

- Never mind.

- Oh, you're okay!

Oh, I am

now that I know you are.

(Susan)

'Oh, darling, I was

so worried about you.'

'They said on the radio

that you were out cold!'

I'm okay.

The ball got more damage.

I'm just glad you're safe

and sound, sweetheart.

I want you to meet someone.

My sister, Linda Mae.

- Hi!

- This is so humiliating.

I don't know how you folks

can ever forgive me.

Wha..

Forgive you for what?

It's a long story.

I'm afraid I owe you folks

all a long apology.

'Cause see, I just worry about

my little brother here and..

...mama made me come and, and

I don't, I don't do very well

when I'm away from home.

Oh, Linda Mae, it's alright.

This is your home now.

This is your new family.

- Merlin?

- Yeah, sis?

- I think she really means it.

- Oh, I sure do.

Linda Mae, we all do.

Oh, hey, sure, we do.

I'm sorry we scared you.

Hey, let's get to know Linda Mae

over the last few

remaining Bradford

full-house sandwiches.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, boy!

It's been quite an evening.

Tom, my hiccups are gone!

They're gone!

Oh Tom, what a relief!

Oh, really?

Well, in that case,

why don't we skip

the midnight stock

and go right upstairs?

Okay.

[hiccups]

- Who was it?

- Oh. That was Mr. Harris.

Max called

and explained everything

so he just called to apologize

for overreacting.

- That's good.

- Oh, yes. And guess what?

He's coming to the game

next week.

Only this time,

he's bringing his own cards.

Okay, that's it.

Nicholas, whatever

happened to Boris?

Did you trade him back

to Kenny P. Landers?

Not exactly.

Oh, then you still have him?

No, see, Freddy took him

and ran.

A kid ran away with your dummy?

Freddy's no kid.

He's Kenny's Saint Bernard.

And now,

for your entertainment

the ladies of the evening!

Featuring, all the way

from Siloam Springs..

Miss Linda Mae "Show 'Em

What You Got" Stockwell.

Oh, no! Not again!

[indistinct chatter]

(Joannie)

'Alright, sell it ladies!'

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

♪ Let me make you smile ♪

♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪

♪ Some old

and then some new tricks ♪

Go on. Go on! Go on.

Go on. Go for it!

♪ And if you're real good ♪

♪ I'll make you feel good ♪

♪ I want your spirits

to climb ♪♪

[theme music]