04x06 - The Devil and Mr. Bradford

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

Dad?

Dad?

Oh, yes.

We have to talk.

'Oh, you sound

serious, Nicholas.'

It is.

Oh, well, what's on your mind?

Inflation.

Inflation?

Oh, yes, that is

a very serious problem.

I don't know what to do.

I just can't make ends meet.

'Yeah, well, we're all feeling

the pinch nowadays, Nicholas.'

However, there is a solution.

It's called, umm, conservation.

Is that the same as

raising my allowance?

No, it isn't the same at all.

I didn't think it was gonna be.

(Tom)

'Conservation is one way'

'of getting the most

out of what we already have.'

It means spending money on only

the things that you really need

and cutting back on those

things that you don't.

'I mean, it's-it's

a wonderful thing.'

'You-you try it and you'll see

that it's amazing'

and how far you can

stretch one little dollar.

- Really?

- 'Oh, yes. I-i-it works.'

Trust me. The sooner

you start, the better.

Well, I'll start right away.

That's terrific, Nicholas.

Well, will you help out?

- Of course.

- Great.

I need one little dollar.

[instrumental music]

[theme song]

♪ There's a magic in ♪

♪ The early morning

we've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪

♪ On everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪

♪ Oh we spend our days ♪

♪ Like bright

and shiny new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪

♪ By the changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

Yeah, yeah, I heard,

I heard at the Royal Theater.

Yeah, right down the street.

Can you believe it?

Yeah, they're

playin' "Snow White."

[no audio]

Alright, dad.

Hey, look, Barry, I gotta go.

Nicholas!

(Tom)

'Nicholas!'

Joannie. Nicholas is

the short one, dad.

Oh, that's very funny, Joannie.

He was supposed to be

down here ten minutes ago.

We have

an important appointment.

Could we talk about

it later, dad?

I've got a job interview

and I'm really late.

You have a job interview?

That's terrific!

What's the job?

What's the company?

Why don't we talk

about it later.

(Tommy)

'I'm sure, get serious.'

Larry Nesbitt actually saw it?

'Oh, give me a break.'

Tommy, give me a break.

Please!

Nicholas!

Yeah, Nicholas is exactly

ten and a half years old today

and that's, uh,

that's kind of the age

that you become a man

around the Bradford house.

Well, yeah, I guess it's

sought of like the bar mitzvah

only instead of getting a party,

you get to mow the lawn.

Right. Okay, later.

Finally.

[telephone ringing]

Hello!

Yup, just a second.

Nicholas, Kenny P. Landers.

Why do I get

the feeling that this family

has a secret communications code

and I'm the only one

without security clearance.

Hey, I don't know, dad. You want

me to get the lawn mower?

Yes, I do. But I want it to

be a very smooth transition.

I want you to teach

him every day

until he can handle

the job all by himself.

- I know.

- You're the teacher.

I want you to be as

patient with Nicholas

as David was with you.

Hey, no sweat, anything

short of strangulation

I got it made.

- Nicholas!

- Right, dad!

Yeah, Kenny, I hid it.

No one will find it

in a million years.

You really think that

little box's gonna tell us

if Marsha is gonna have a baby?

Well, I guess,

if it works on people

it should work on a hamster.

No, no, I didn't call your mom

a hamster, Kenny, I said that..

Ah, forget it.

I'll call you later. See you.

(Tom)

'Nicholas, we are waiting.'

Hey, pal,

you're just gonna mow the lawn.

It's not that bad.

- Yeah?

- Look at it positively.

Accepting the reigns

of the lawn mower

symbolizes the first step

towards adulthood.

'Why, Nicholas,

before you know it'

you'll be accepting bigger

and more important challenges.

- I will?

- Oh, absolutely.

Like what?

- Like the laundry.

- Like the laun..

No, not.. Thanks.

Come on, k*ller,

to the gallows.

[humming]

Alright, let's see

hand towels there.

Uh, pretty little

guest towels, there.

Ugly, everyday family towels

go there.

Great, no room.

Okay.

[grunts]

Push.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Excuse me.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

Listen, did I ever thank you

for recommending me?

Last night at the rep company

and once every ten minutes.

Ohh.

Excuse me.

I really do mean it, Laura.

You could've suggested anybody

for this job and you picked me.

You deserve it. You're the best

actress I ever worked with.

Oh, what a friend. Thank you.

Listen, do you think they're

ever gonna let me be on camera?

Don't count on it.

The main thing is,

is that the hours here

don't conflict

with a repertory company.

And a TV station

will look great on your resume

when you join me

in New York.

Oh, New York. Oh, I envy you.

I wish I could be there

right now.

Well, keep this job,

save the money

and we'll be attacking Broadway

before you know it.

Alright. Broadway, here we come.

Listen, I gotta go.

I'll see you at the rep company

this evening--

- Hold it, Joannie.

- Excuse me.

Before you bumped

into your boss.

- I'm sorry.

- Jeff, this's Joannie Bradford.

She'll be taking over

the research desk.

'Jeffrey Trout, weekend anchor'

'investigative reporter'

muckraker extraordinaire.

Three copies.

You'll be working

mostly for him.

Bradford, huh?

Are you any relation

to Tom Bradford at the register?

My dad.

Oh, that's something.

He ever tell you

that research is boring

tedious, and very hard work?

Oh, yeah, he's mentioned it

a few hundred times.

Uh, Mr. Trout, I know

what I'm getting into.

I have no illusions.

- Believe me.

- Good.

Now, that's a new heading right,

right there.

Then you won't mind

your first assignment, Bradford?

No, I won't.

Cream and sugar or black?

[laughing]

Black.

Joannie, oh, you

couldn't make me happier.

Or prouder.

I tell you the truth

I never wanted

to mention this before

because I didn't wanna

put anybody

under any kind of pressure.

But I was always hoping

that one of you might

someday choose journalism.

Yeah, well, I think

it's great too, dad, I do.

But remember, it's just a job.

- I still wanna be an actress.

- I always said that too.

What, you wanted

to be an actress?

Oh, yes, I would've been

a very good one.

[laughing]

But journalism

can get into your blood.

You'll see, newspapers

can change people's lives.

Shape world events.

Yeah, but I'm not

working for newspaper.

I'm working

for Jeffrey Trout, remember?

Yeah, I remember.

That's the only unfortunate part

of the whole thing.

Oh, dad, you're not

being fair to him.

His stories are

immediate, visual--

Shallow, sensationalistic.

Do I detect a touch

of professional jealousy?

What?

Now, why would

a professional journalist

ever be jealous

over a professional huckster.

[Joannie laughs]

(Joannie)

'Dad.'

[sighs]

[knock on door]

- Hi, Abby.

- Hi, Mary.

Uh, I was just taking a break

and, oh, I thought maybe you

could use the company, you know.

Oh, thanks, Mary,

but at the moment

I'm up to my neck in

theories of testing.

You know, someone should

really do something about that

linen closet.

Uh-huh.

W-well, it's either shrinking

or the towels

are cloning themselves.

Right.

I-I mean, Abby,

there-there's no room.

Uh, I-I had to use

the fifth shelf

you know, the high one,

the fifth shelf.

Right, the one above the forth.

(Mary)

'Right. That's, that's the one.'

You know, that would

make a great hiding place

if someone

wanted to hide something.

Which someone obviously did

which you obviously discovered

so would you

just get to the point, Mary?

The point, right, uh

okay, I'm getting

to the point, Abby.

It's just that

I don't know how to approach it.

I mean things got

a little touchy

around here the last time

you thought you were pregnant.

Pregnant?

What're you talking about?

I'm talking about this.

I-it's one of those

do-it-yourself

testing kit, you know.

It tells you

whether you are or you aren't.

Well, I definitely aren't.

It's not mine.

- It isn't?

- No.

[instrumental music]

Well, it definitely belongs

to somebody in this house.

[indistinct]

Susan.

Right, I mean,

she's staying with us

while Merle's out of town and--

And she is married.

So, it must be Susan.

I hope.

[instrumental music]

(Tom)

So, Nicholas,

how was your first lesson

with the lawn mower?

I rather talk about

something else.

Oh, well, there's

nothing like a good movie

that take a man's mind

off his troubles.

I mean, uh, imagine "Snow White"

playing in our neighborhood,

it's just so fortunate

that I overheard Tommy talking

about it on the telephone.

- But it's a kid's movie, dad.

- Oh, nonsense, it's a classic.

- It transcends all ages.

- What's a classic?

A classic is something

that's considered very good

that's been around

a long time.

- You mean, like you?

- Yes. No, not like me.

'That's not what I mean.'

Five dollars?

Boy, oh, boy.

Two please.

Thank you. Let's go, Nicholas.

At these prices,

I don't wanna miss a second.

I swear the last time

I came to this theatre

the tickets

were only two dollars.

[instrumental music]

Uh, I don't get it.

Keep moving.

- But you said--

- Don't look back.

I won't.

I didn't get to see anything.

I certainly hope not.

- Why?

- Because..

Because why?

Because just keep moving!

(Tom)

'How can you read

with a p*rn theater'

'in your own neighborhood?'

- Pass the bread, dad?

- It's absolutely appalling.

I mean, to think

that moral turpitude

out-and-out decadence

is spreading

this close to your own home?

- Hey, better late than never.

- You see this, Abby?

I mean, it's even

influencing our children.

It was just a joke, Tom.

Come on, dad, don't you think

you're overreacting?

No, I don't.

And what's more,

I don't understand

this apathy

to the whole situation.

'I really don't.'

I'm sorry, dad,

we just don't think

it's such a big deal.

Well, if it bothers you

that much, dad

why don't use the first

amendment to fight it.

Your typewriter's

your best w*apon.

'Power of the press, right?'

That's a very good

idea, Joannie.

Leave it to

the journalistic air apparent

to turn the tide

of a motion into

constructive activity.

I'll get to it

in a couple of weeks.

Couple of weeks?

I thought you said,

it was urgent, dad.

Yeah, out-and-out

decadence, remember?

Oh, please,

I'm writing a six-part series

on urban transportation.

That's important too.

I can't change

horses in mid-stream now, can I?

That would be irresponsible.

Oh, hey, dad, since,

Nicholas will be

mowing the lawn soon by himself

I have some free time.

Maybe I could help you out.

Oh, really?

Oh, that's very

thoughtful of you, Tommy.

What could you do?

Research, I kinda always

wanted to be a journalist.

I mean, I could, uh,

hang around the theater

observe, take notes.

[indistinct chattering]

Just trying to help.

[all laughing]

You look like you need

a good joke, what's wrong?

I'll live.

My corporate spying story

just got temporarily shelved.

Aw.

- 'Didn't like it?'

- Oh.

- He loved it.

- I don't understand.

Ratings, Bradford.

Ratings. Big week is coming up.

He doesn't think this has

got enough emotional impact

to get the big numbers.

Well, what kind of story does?

[sighs]

Anything that

hits a lot of nerves.

Child abuse,

uh, social injustice

political rip-offs..

What about p*rn?

Yeah, sometimes, sure.

Oh, it sure hit a big nerve

in my father the other evening.

He must have run across

something big.

[laughing]

No.

Well, he got stumbled into it.

Our neighborhood theatre turned

p*rn and he didn't know

a thing about it

till he took my little brother.

That can hit a lot of nerves.

Yeah.

A lot of nerves.

- Is he gonna do a column?

- Oh, yeah, for sure.

He's not gonna do

for couple of weeks though.

He's got a series to finish.

Joannie, if this story,

the p*rn story

'were being done on television'

how would you handle it?

How would I handle it?

[inhales]

I don't know, uh..

Let me see, maybe, uh..

...maybe "it could happen

in your neighborhood"

kind of angle, you know,

"what kind of person pushes

smut in the neighborhood",

is that ideal?

You're catching on, Bradford.

I am? Thanks.

- Let's do it.

- What?

It's just

what we're looking for.

Perfect for the ratings.

But my father's doing it.

In a week or two?

Do you want me

to scoop my own father?

I couldn't do that.

He'd do it to you

in a second, kid.

He's a professional.

So are you, I think.

I don't know. I don't know.

Bradford, let me put it

to you another way.

You're still on probation here.

A story like this could

cinch you a permanent job.

It might even get you a sh*t

at reporting on camera some day.

Think about it.

[instrumental music]

[groaning]

[knock on door]

Susan.

Hmm?

Are you alright?

Oh, nothing major.

Just make it a small simple

ceremony, just the family.

- Your stomach?

- Yeah.

- Is this being going on long?

- Seems like forever.

Have you told Merle?

Susan, I know I've told you

this before, but, uh

well, if there's ever anything

that you needed

to talk to somebody about

a problem, you know.

I mean, even though

you're married now, well

you know

I'm still here, don't you?

I know, Abby.

I mean, from my own experience,

early in my marriage

well, I know that things

have a way of getting

blown out of proportion

when they're

difficult to talk about.

Susan...

...is there anything?

What?

Oh.

I'm sorry, Abby, it's just

still hard to concentrate.

All I keep thinking

about all these disgusting

sunflower seeds

backstroking through

the rancid yogurt on the way

to the Brussel sprouts.

- Brussel sprouts?

- Right next to the alpha-alpha.

[moaning]

You mean it was a health salad?

That's a very loose

interpretation.

Oh.

[groaning]

[instrumental music]

So, Nicholas.

Why don't you

tell me about "Snow White?"

What about it?

The whole, you know, uh

how the story goes.

- I kinda forgot.

- You really wanna know?

Sure, why not?

I mean,

it'll k*ll a few minutes.

Okay.

See, there's this princess.

And her name is Snow White.

And her step mom is a real drag.

Not like Abby.

Yeah, why don't you

just skip to the good part?

You mean the part

about the woodsman guy?

Yeah, right.

Well, he likes Snow White too

much to bump her off, you see.

So, he brought her to this house

with a whole

bunch of midgets in it.

Midgets?

What happened to the sailors?

Sailors? Nah, you're

thinking about Popeye.

Nicholas, uh, what I'd rather

hear about is

the other Snow white.

You know the one that

dad took you to see.

Oh, that one.

I didn't get to see nothing.

- You didn't see anything?

- Dad's hand.

- That's it?

- Well, maybe a little bit.

- Yeah.

- Of his elbow.

'Oh!'

One welfare employee

was overheard saying

"The system just doesn't

work the way it should."

For little Tina here,

it doesn't work at all.

She may not know much

about politics.

But she knows

what it is to be hungry.

'I'm downtown.'

'This is Jeffrey Trout'

'Channel , news.'

"This is Jeffrey Trout.

Channel , news."

What a lot of humbug.

(Joannie)

'Eye contact's not bad.'

The delivery's gonna

need a lot of work though.

Hi, did you see that stunt?

What a sensationalist.

Come on, dad.

You said, you were gonna

give Jeffrey a chance.

Be a little more open-minded.

I know, but I-I hate that

kind of approach to a story.

Don't you?

It was partly my idea.

Oh. Well..

- It's bed time.

- Yeah.

Dad, I've been reading some

of your journalism books lately.

Oh, yeah? That's terrific.

You know, I like especially

the one about Pulitzer.

He really knew how to scoop

the other papers, didn't he?

Oh, yeah. Well, those were

the golden days of journalism.

Was it ethical though, scooping?

Mm-hmm. Getting there first

is the name of the game.

Survival of the fittest.

That's why it is so exciting.

I see.

Oh, hey, Nicholas,

it's getting late, you know.

I'm practically in bed.

Uh, how's the p*rn story

coming, dad?

Oh, well, in about a week.

I'm really anxious to get to it.

Dad, what would you say

if I told you

you're about to be scooped.

Oh, well, I'd say who?

You mean that p*rn story?

You?

Wow. You learn fast.

- Maybe too fast.

- You want me to back off?

Oh, no, no, no, of course not.

Business is business.

But I want you

to promise me one thing.

I want you to do the story

right. In depth.

No stunts for Mr. Trout.

Oh, I'll try, dad.

Huh, thanks.

- Goodnight, honey.

- Goodnight.

Oh.

[sighs]

I can't help it, Kenny.

I've been too busy learning

how to mow the dumb grass.

Nah, she's okay.

Keeps running around in circles.

That mean anything?

What's Lambert?

- 'Abby?'

- 'Hmm.'

(Mary)

'Are you sure it's not Susan?'

(Abby)

'I don't think so.'

Right. Now what?

(Abby)

'Well, we continue

the investigation, delicately.'

I don't think there's a problem.

But if there were--

I mean, no, you're right. I mean

it's, uh, it's just much better

to be on the safer side.

I think we should

keep this between us, okay.

I mean there's no sense

in warning your father

until we have

something concrete.

You mean as in, who is she?

And is she..

Nicholas, are you

listening to me?

Okay, now,

lesson number two is safety.

Tommy, is lesson

number two gonna be

as boring as lesson number one?

Nicholas, look, I don't like

this anymore than you do.

But if you blow it, dad blames

me so, just listen up, okay?

Okay, but try and

make it interesting.

Yeah. Alright, rule number one

is never get your hands

or your feet near the blades.

Rule number two is always

watch where you're mowing.

- Rule number three--

- Tommy.

What, Nicholas?

This is getting boring again.

[exhales]

(Joannie)

'No, I don't think,

that'll affect it.'

Okay. Thank you,

Mrs. Helman, right, goodbye.

What'd you dig up?

Well, a Mrs. Helman at the

County Clerk's office

says that the mortgage

on the Royal Theater's

held by a public corporation.

That's it?

Twenty minutes you were

on the phone

you didn't get a name?

[sighs]

American Unified Enterprises,

, , Rivercrest Drive.

- That's very good, Bradford.

- Right.

Don't start looking

too pleased with yourself

because you're just beginning.

- I am?

- That's right.

Corporations are faceless.

There's nothing for the viewers

to hang their emotions on.

You said it yourself

the other day.

I did.

Who would paddle smart

in your neighborhood.

Right?

I want a list of every single

stockholder in that corporation.

- What?

- No matter how small.

You'll get it, Mr. Trout.

You'll get it.

Every stockholder.

Laurie, this is Joannie.

Help.

- Hi.

- Hi, Mary.

(Mary)

'Pickle?'

Nancy?

Nancy, you're eating a pickle.

What's wrong with a pickle?

You wanna tell me about it?

Why would I wanna

tell you about it?

Well, because, uh..

...because I'm

willing to listen.

Are you still

dating that dental student?

Huh?

- Leonard?

- Yeah.

I only had one date with him.

He's a real creep.

You wouldn't believe it.

He had to floss his teeth

before he'd kiss me goodnight.

Well, Nancy,

who's the lucky guy these days?

Mary, I don't understand

your sudden interest

in my pickle

or in my social life.

But if you really must know,

it's been slow.

Real slow.

Oh, well, I was just curious.

So, if you're, uh,

trying to set me up

with someone, the answer is yes.

Mare, I'm desperate.

The truth of the matter

is, I haven't

seen anyone in a long time.

You haven't seen anyone,

in a long time?

- What's so funny?

- Don't ask.

She's flipped.

She's flipped.

You don't know

how you saved my life.

When he told me

to get all the names

of the stockholders, I didn't

know where to begin with.

It's easy

if you know where to look.

I'm just glad

I had the time to find them.

I stuck in a list

of my contacts too.

They'll help for the future.

Oh, thank you.

Laurie, have I told you,

how much I've--

Hey, let's not start that again.

Alright. Anyway,

who has the time?

I've got a story to do.

Let me see, stockholders,

stockholders.

Oh, this, oh..

Oh, Adelson..

Wunski, Berman,

Bradford, Braff..

Bradford?

Thomas J. Bradford?

Your dad?

My dad.

[intense music]

Hey, here comes David.

Maybe he knows how to start.

I don't need any help, Nicholas.

Well, it looks to me

like you need a little help.

I'm doing just fine, thank you.

Have you forgotten everything

I taught you?

It's all in the wrist, remember?

I remember what you taught me,

but it's not in the wrist.

You taught me wrong.

It's in the arm.

Like this, see.

(David)

'It's all in the wrist.'

'Like this, see.'

Oh, that's great, I see.

- I think guys are just--

- Not now, Nicholas.

Look, I'm a little rusty.

Couple of more pulls,

it ought to fire right up.

Would you guys

just listen to me?

Nicholas, stay out of it, okay?

It's not in the wrist,

it's in the arm.

- It's in the wrist.

- Do you mind?

The tradition is between

Nicholas and me now, okay?

I mind that

you're not passing on

the tradition correctly, okay?

Knock it off, will you?

Lesson three,

rule two.

Never forget to choke it.

[engine starts]

Oh, there you are.

- Hi, Abby.

- How you doing?

Listen, I was just

gonna take this, uh

quick trip to the cleaners,

do you wanna tag along?

No, it's alright.

You go ahead, thanks.

You don't have to be

an investigative reporter

to see that

there's something wrong.

Oh.

It's that obvious, huh?

Well, it's either that

or you're getting

into character for "Camille."

Huh!

Oh, gee.

Would you like to talk about it?

I can't, Abby, it's just uh..

It's one of those problems

you just have to

work out for yourself, you know.

I'd like to help.

I know, it-it's so..

...bizarre.

It's just...there isn't

one solution

that's gonna make

everybody happy.

Thanks, anyway.

Joannie, I know what it is.

- You do?

- Well, I wasn't sure of course.

I just suspected but..

Oh, well, it's true, I checked.

Abby, aren't you just shocked?

No, I mean, things like this,

well, they happen and..

- Well, your father is--

- That's just it?

My father.

Abby, that's what

I don't understand.

He knew I was gonna do this.

- He did?

- Sure.

I mean,

he was not too happy about it.

Who would be?

But he could've given me

some hint, you know?

Something to prepare me.

Well, Joannie, didn't he ever

talk to you about this?

No!

No, I think that he was just

too embarrassed or something.

Well, when you were younger,

didn't your mother--

No, no, I don't think that she

ever knew anything about it.

Well, Joannie,

that's impossible.

Well, whatever the case, I mean

I certainly

didn't know anything

about dad and the Royal Theatre.

- The Royal theatre?

- I mean it's truth.

Just a few shares of stock.

But that's not the point.

When it airs, he is

going to be implicated anyway.

And by his own daughter.

[sighs]

Thanks for the shoulder, Abby.

I know what I've gotta do.

[instrumental music]

Oh, well, hypothetical questions

are my specialty, sh**t.

Okay.

Um, say that you

are investigating a story

and in the course

of your research

you turn up something

that could hurt a close friend.

Oh, I get it.

You wanna see

if your responsibility is

to the story

or to your close friend.

You got it.

(Tom)

'Hmm, that's

a difficult dilemma.'

Sometimes very painful one.

However, I would have to say

that a true

professional journalist

first consideration must

always be to the story.

Oh, dad, why are you so

intend on hanging yourself?

Hm, if this

is another hypothetical

you've got me stumped.

Okay, dad, let's just stop

playing games, alright?

- I know.

- You know.

'Dad, something like this could'

'really damage your reputation.'

It might even ruin you.

Joannie, what are you

talking about?

We're talking about p*rn.

We are?

Specifically,

your part ownership

in the Royal Theatre.

Joannie, I don't know

what you're rambling about--

Um, dad, uh

under the Bs, five down.

This is a computer printout

of all the stockholders

of all the stockholders in

American Unified Enterprises.

in American Unified Enterprises.

Company that owns your theater.

Bradford?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is a mistake.

It's, i-it's a computer error.

Now, dad, I don't know

why you did what you did

but it's right there

in black and white--

Now wait a minute, young lady.

Your first lesson as a reporter,

nothin' is black and white.

There's always

a little grey in between.

A lesson that your Mr. Trout

should start to practice.

I can't believe this.

Oh, dad, don't get

into that, alright?

- What are you doing?

- What am I doing?

I'm doing what you should have

done right from the beginning.

I'm calling my accountant,

getting to the bottom of this.

If this is true,

I could be ruined.

Yes, hello,

this is Tom Bradford.

I have to see Sidney right away.

I don't care if he's playing

Wimbledon, this is urgent!

I'm afraid

there's no mistake, Tom.

- Joannie's right.

- What? But how can that be?

I never bought stock

in a theater.

Indirectly you did.

Remember when I invested

part of your tax refund

about five years ago?

Yeah, sure, sure, but that

that was a company

that makes screen doors.

What has that

got to do with this?

It's really very simple.

Here, have a seat.

Last year,

they merged with a company

called American

Unified Enterprises

which in turn

holds a controlling interest

in a company called

Trans Allied Entertainment

which in turn runs the theater.

Simple.

Now beauty of the mergers

of the stockholders

of your company

gained a lucrative

bilateral realignment

with the other company.

Beautiful, huh?

Oh, yeah, this is very nice.

What does it mean?

Let me put it this way, Tom.

These are corporations.

You with me so far?

Alright, the paperweight

owns the letter opener.

Now when the pencil cup

merges with the paperweight

not only do both sets

of stockholders

now own the pencil cup

and the paperweight

they also own

part of the letter opener.

You got it?

But I don't wanna own

a letter opener.

Kenny, it's Nicholas.

Yeah, no changes,

but she's been eating a lot.

Scarfed up half a box of food.

Eating for two?

That'd be great. Twins.

You know, Elizabeth,

uh, we haven't had

one of our sister-to-sister

talks in a long time.

I kind of miss 'em.

Yeah, I guess

it has been a while, huh?

- Hmm.

- Is everything okay?

Oh, with me? Oh, it's great.

- How about you?

- No problems.

- Honest?

- Honest.

Oh, that's good.

You know,

that's not exactly true.

Oh, oh, Elizabeth,

now look, um..

Now y-you know,

you can trust me, okay?

And whatever the problem is, I..

...I'll help you

in anyway I can.

No matter what it is?

No matter what.

Okay, see if you can fix this.

I think a wire is loose again.

This is it? I mean,

this is your biggest problem?

Well, yeah, but that doesn't

matter. You promised, remember?

Oh, I remember, I remember.

- You wanted me?

- Bradford, where've you been?

I've been looking all over.

Uh, I haven't been

feeling well, Mr.--

There is no time to be sick.

We got too much to do.

- I just got the word.

- What?

Our story's gonna lead off

the ratings, period.

- Oh, that's great.

- Yeah.

We're gonna have to move fast.

We're gonna sh**t

the stand-up tomorrow

and the MOS on Wednesday.

Now where is the list?

Huh?

Uh, you know, I-I think we ought

to double-check that, Mr. Trout.

Um, we can be in a lot of

trouble if we make a mistake.

Joannie, there will be plenty

of time to verify the facts

before I actually go on the air.

To complete the story,

I need the names right away.

- Uh, yeah, uh--

- Don't freeze on me, Joannie.

We both have a job to do.

I need those names

and I need them now.

(Tommy)

Nicholas, you're supposed

to be watching me.

Now how else

are you gonna learn?

All I ever do is watch.

I've been watching you

for a week.

So you think you're ready

to handle it, huh, hotdog?

Does the big bug

live in a forest?

Bear, Nicholas.

Alright, I guess

you gotta solo sometime.

But no fancy stuff.

Just do one roll,

turn around and come back.

'Okay? Any questions?'

You positive now

that there are no questions?

No questions.

Now stop worrying.

Okay, just let her rip.

Hey, attaboy, Nicholas.

You're doing great.

Now start to turn.

Start to turn, Nicholas.

Nicholas, turn.

Oh, no.

I guess it's too late

to ask a question, huh?

- Is this gonna take long, dad?

- What?

Uh, oh, oh, I was..

No, no, no, no, I just..

I just wanted you all

to, to be aware

'of a, of a situation'

'that, uh, ha-has, um,

has developed, uh..'

Sometimes we discover

certain things

about other things

that we didn't even know existed

or would have

when we weren't involved

with the original thing.

It's gonna take a while.

(Tom)

Well, of course, it's not

as simple as all that.

Sometimes, complications set in

that inevitably lead

to other complications and..

Uh, I'm not making any sense

out of this at all, am I?

'What?'

N-now, look,

this is a corporation.

This is another corporation.

This is the letter opener

that caused all the trouble.

Letter opener?

This isn't working, Abby.

What's going on?

(Mary)

'Nicholas, believe me'

'that's what we'd all

like to know.'

(Abby)

'Uh, what your father

is trying to say'

is that, uh, due to a, uh,

strange set of circumstances

that he knew nothing about,

but that Joannie discovered

he..

...owns a small percentage

of the Royal Theater.

- You mean the one--

- Yeah, that's the one.

(Abby)

'Now I'm sure that he can count

on all of us for his support.'

Uh, it was an honest mistake

and, uh, I don't think

we need to make anything

more of it than there is.

Alright, my own dad,

p*rn king of Sacramento.

You may not like what Tommy said

but your confession

was hardly a disaster.

Oh, really?

I counted four giggles

and three smirks.

Which just proves

that no one in this house

was totally devastated.

So Mr. Trout breaks the story,

it is not the end of the world

and we can handle

what people say.

Yeah, but,

how do I handle Joannie?

Joannie will understand.

Then why did she disappear

before I had a chance

to explain all the facts?

'I don't know,

I-I had other things'

'on my mind the last time

we talked, but..'

'Well, she probably

had to think things out.'

I mean, she's in a tough spot

trapped between her job

and her father.

Correction, trapped

between the hard principles

I expound

and the low acts I commit.

- 'They were unknowing acts.'

- Careless acts.

It's my money,

it was my responsibility.

I tell everybody around here

to watch their pennies

and I let mine go

into the p*rn business.

No wonder Joannie thinks

I am a hypocrite.

I've gotta find her.

My reputation, I can lose.

My daughter, I can't.

Oh, hi, excuse me,

uh, could you tell me

where I could find

Joannie Bradford?

- I'm her father.

- Oh, you're Joannie's father.

- Yes, yes.

- Jeffrey Trout.

I'm a big fan of your column.

Right, oh, thank you.

Isn't that nice?

Uh, well, your stories

are the source of spirit

and conversation

in the Bradford house.

Well, I guess I must

be doing something right.

Yes, uh..

I wonder, I had to see Joannie

for a minute.

I know she's very busy,

but I'll just be a second.

You mean, you don't..

Uh, I assumed, you..

Would you mind

stepping into my office?

It's a little more private

in there.

- Joannie quit?

- 'An hour ago.'

Just walked out.

No explanation.

I could only guess

she was feeling guilty

about scooping you.

No, no, no,

there's more to it than that.

- Much more.

- 'What do you mean?'

Did Joannie ever give you a list

of the American

Unified Stockholders?

No, she didn't.

Joannie had a conflict

of interest.

My name is on that list.

- You?

- Under the Bs, five down.

I was as shocked as Joannie.

- You didn't know?

- Assassinated by a merger.

Nevertheless, guilty

of financial negligence

in the first degree.

I wanted to fill Joannie in

and it was complicated.

That explains a lot.

Poor kid.

What a tough spot to be in

'especially

on a first assignment.'

It was.

I didn't think she'd do this.

I-I'll get you a list

as soon as possible.

- Mr. Bradford?

- Yes.

You know..

...in the light

of what you just told me

this, uh, this story is not

as clear-cut as it seem.

I mean, there must be

other stockholders

in the same predicament.

Yeah, that's a possibility.

Well, now, that's,

uh, that's an angle

we'd be obligated to cover.

What are you getting at,

Mr. Trout?

And it's gonna take

a lot of time to, uh

to investigate this properly.

Time that I just can't spare

at the moment.

You're saying that you're

going to k*ll the story.

Oh, no, no,

we'll do it eventually.

Unless of course, I get scooped.

'I mean, there's a chance

it could even be picked up'

by, uh, someone with a more

imminent knowledge of the facts.

That is a possibility.

If that were to happen

I can assure you

that it will be handled

with complete integrity.

Of that, Mr. Bradford,

I have no doubt.

After all, we are professionals.

That we are, Mr. Trout.

That we are.

(Mary)

'I give up.

From all the indications'

'everyone seems to be acting

as normal as ever.'

- I know.

- Well, Abby, one thing's clear.

I mean, this thing did not

get into the closet by itself.

Any ideas

before we throw in the towel?

Just one. I think it's time

for a direct confrontation

with your sisters.

Agreed. The showdown.

Well, I don't know,

maybe they're planning

a surprise party or something.

Are you kidding?

For all three of us?

Yeah, Elizabeth's right.

I think Abby and Mary

have totally flipped.

Every time we turn around

they're up there

having a private conference.

Well, I'm sick of it

and we're gonna find out

what they're up to.

Just try to be

a little subtle, okay?

- 'Okay.'

- 'Mary?'

[indistinct chatter]

Alright, alright, time out.

You first.

Okay, something very strange

has been going on in this house.

We'd like to know what it is

and we'd like to know right now.

Subtle.

[clears throat]

Hmm, subtle.

- Is that what I think it is?

- It is.

Well, does anyone care

to claim ownership?

- Well, not me.

- Uh, no way.

Oh, don't look at me.

Hey, that's mine.

Nicholas, it's yours?

Well, actually I borrowed it

from Kenny P. Landers.

And just where did Kenny get it?

Well, it's his mom's.

See, we're gonna use it

to find out

if Marsha's gonna have a baby.

- Marsha, your hamster?

- Yeah.

Maybe twins. Isn't that great?

See, I told Kenny that

we wouldn't have to hide it

but he said it makes

grown-ups nervous.

You know, I think

Kenny worries too much.

Joannie?

Had a feeling

it was gonna be you.

You know, if you're trying to

hide away from your troubles--

...you're gonna have to be

a lot more clever.

- No lectures, okay?

- Okay.

I was at your TV station.

I wanted to fill you in on

what Sidney Vector had told me.

Yeah, Abby talked to me.

I'm really sorry

I doubted you, dad.

That's alright.

It was kind of a suspicious

story on the surface.

Yeah, so were a lot of things.

If you don't look hard enough,

which I didn't..

- Guess he told you that I quit.

- Yeah.

And I, uh, I was surprised.

I, I mean,

you didn't have to do that.

I would have understood, really.

I know you would.

You're a pro, I'm not.

I don't have the stomach

for that.

- Joannie?

- Dad.

I love you. You're my father,

you know, I mean..

I mean, you understand

I couldn't possibly ever do that

to, to do something

to purposely hurt you.

If that's what it takes

to be a good journalist

then it's not worth it.

Well, not for me anyway.

Besides, I wanna be an actress.

It's just as well

I found out now.

Joannie, I'll let you

in on something.

I don't think that I could have

gone through with it either.

Oh, yes, you would have,

of all the people I know

you would have never

compromised your principles.

It's nice to think that,

but I don't know if its true.

I, I've been a very lucky man.

I never had to.

Principles

are a wonderful thing.

But so are the people

that you love.

And I'm not positive

that I wouldn't have done

exactly the same thing.

- Really, dad?

- Yeah.

I-I'll let you know

something else too.

- You'd make a great journalist.

- No, I wouldn't--

Yeah, yeah, you have the talent

and the brains and the ambition.

And most important,

you know what you have?

You have..

...heart.

Oh, dad.

Oh, thanks.

I let you in

on something wonderful.

- Can you do me a favor?

- Yeah.

Uh, I was wondering

if you could, uh, come up

with, uh, with a title

for my new column.

- Sure.

- I-I have this here.

But I-I think

it might be a little flashy.

Uh, what do you think?

"I Was A Middle-aged

p*rn King."

Dad, is this.. I mean,

what about the TV station?

I mean, Jeffrey's couldn't--

Oh yes, yes,

I forgot to tell you.

Uh, they changed their plans

and, uh..

Well, why don't you let

Mr. Trout tell you

about that

when you go back to work?

Work? You mean..

You mean they actually

want me to come back?

Oh, yes.

He has a very important,

special assignment for you.

It has something to do

with, uh, coffee, black.

Oh.

Aw.

Nicholas, are you still having

trouble with the lawn mower?

Nah. It's those flowers

that give me a pain.

Now listen,

can I ask you a question?

And I want you

to be totally honest.

- Okay.

- Do you like mowing the lawn?

- I hate it.

- See, that's what I thought.

Come here.

- Can you keep a secret?

- Sure.

[whispers]

I don't want this to get around

but I miss the job

ever since I gave it to David.

I've secretly

missed it very much.

- You have?

- Oh, yes.

[whispers]

Do you wanna give the job back?

Unless, of course,

you have objections

to breaking family traditions.

[whispers]

No, I mean,

we got to be flexible.

That settles it then.

Very good.

I'll get you another job.

Now you go upstairs

and have fun and mirth.

and I'll finish it for you.

Okay, but just

one more thing, dad.

What is that?

Can we stop talking

like this now?

[normal tone]

No. Yes, of course, Nicholas.

Alright.

- What was that all about?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

We're just having

a business transaction.

Oh, by the way,

you never told me about

your latest conversation

with Sidney Vector.

Oh, it went very well, Abby.

You know, the column

got so much attention

that American Unified

called a special meeting

of their board of directors.

- And?

- They're selling the theater.

In fact, they think

they might even have a buyer.

A religious group

that wants to show family films.

Well, does this mean

you'll get a profit?

No, no, they've decided

to reinvest the money

in a little bookstore

down on th Street

that specializes

in Greek literature.

Oh, well, then I'm glad

everything worked out.

I gotta go. Bye.

No, no, I'm not lyin'.

You should see

his magazine rack.

Yeah, Errol's Bookstore,

th Street.

[theme music]