[instrumental music]
Dad?
Dad?
Oh, yes.
We have to talk.
'Oh, you sound
serious, Nicholas.'
It is.
Oh, well, what's on your mind?
Inflation.
Inflation?
Oh, yes, that is
a very serious problem.
I don't know what to do.
I just can't make ends meet.
'Yeah, well, we're all feeling
the pinch nowadays, Nicholas.'
However, there is a solution.
It's called, umm, conservation.
Is that the same as
raising my allowance?
No, it isn't the same at all.
I didn't think it was gonna be.
(Tom)
'Conservation is one way'
'of getting the most
out of what we already have.'
It means spending money on only
the things that you really need
and cutting back on those
things that you don't.
'I mean, it's-it's
a wonderful thing.'
'You-you try it and you'll see
that it's amazing'
and how far you can
stretch one little dollar.
- Really?
- 'Oh, yes. I-i-it works.'
Trust me. The sooner
you start, the better.
Well, I'll start right away.
That's terrific, Nicholas.
Well, will you help out?
- Of course.
- Great.
I need one little dollar.
[instrumental music]
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in ♪
♪ The early morning
we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪
♪ On everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright
and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
Yeah, yeah, I heard,
I heard at the Royal Theater.
Yeah, right down the street.
Can you believe it?
Yeah, they're
playin' "Snow White."
[no audio]
Alright, dad.
Hey, look, Barry, I gotta go.
Nicholas!
(Tom)
'Nicholas!'
Joannie. Nicholas is
the short one, dad.
Oh, that's very funny, Joannie.
He was supposed to be
down here ten minutes ago.
We have
an important appointment.
Could we talk about
it later, dad?
I've got a job interview
and I'm really late.
You have a job interview?
That's terrific!
What's the job?
What's the company?
Why don't we talk
about it later.
(Tommy)
'I'm sure, get serious.'
Larry Nesbitt actually saw it?
'Oh, give me a break.'
Tommy, give me a break.
Please!
Nicholas!
Yeah, Nicholas is exactly
ten and a half years old today
and that's, uh,
that's kind of the age
that you become a man
around the Bradford house.
Well, yeah, I guess it's
sought of like the bar mitzvah
only instead of getting a party,
you get to mow the lawn.
Right. Okay, later.
Finally.
[telephone ringing]
Hello!
Yup, just a second.
Nicholas, Kenny P. Landers.
Why do I get
the feeling that this family
has a secret communications code
and I'm the only one
without security clearance.
Hey, I don't know, dad. You want
me to get the lawn mower?
Yes, I do. But I want it to
be a very smooth transition.
I want you to teach
him every day
until he can handle
the job all by himself.
- I know.
- You're the teacher.
I want you to be as
patient with Nicholas
as David was with you.
Hey, no sweat, anything
short of strangulation
I got it made.
- Nicholas!
- Right, dad!
Yeah, Kenny, I hid it.
No one will find it
in a million years.
You really think that
little box's gonna tell us
if Marsha is gonna have a baby?
Well, I guess,
if it works on people
it should work on a hamster.
No, no, I didn't call your mom
a hamster, Kenny, I said that..
Ah, forget it.
I'll call you later. See you.
(Tom)
'Nicholas, we are waiting.'
Hey, pal,
you're just gonna mow the lawn.
It's not that bad.
- Yeah?
- Look at it positively.
Accepting the reigns
of the lawn mower
symbolizes the first step
towards adulthood.
'Why, Nicholas,
before you know it'
you'll be accepting bigger
and more important challenges.
- I will?
- Oh, absolutely.
Like what?
- Like the laundry.
- Like the laun..
No, not.. Thanks.
Come on, k*ller,
to the gallows.
[humming]
Alright, let's see
hand towels there.
Uh, pretty little
guest towels, there.
Ugly, everyday family towels
go there.
Great, no room.
Okay.
[grunts]
Push.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
Excuse me.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Listen, did I ever thank you
for recommending me?
Last night at the rep company
and once every ten minutes.
Ohh.
Excuse me.
I really do mean it, Laura.
You could've suggested anybody
for this job and you picked me.
You deserve it. You're the best
actress I ever worked with.
Oh, what a friend. Thank you.
Listen, do you think they're
ever gonna let me be on camera?
Don't count on it.
The main thing is,
is that the hours here
don't conflict
with a repertory company.
And a TV station
will look great on your resume
when you join me
in New York.
Oh, New York. Oh, I envy you.
I wish I could be there
right now.
Well, keep this job,
save the money
and we'll be attacking Broadway
before you know it.
Alright. Broadway, here we come.
Listen, I gotta go.
I'll see you at the rep company
this evening--
- Hold it, Joannie.
- Excuse me.
Before you bumped
into your boss.
- I'm sorry.
- Jeff, this's Joannie Bradford.
She'll be taking over
the research desk.
'Jeffrey Trout, weekend anchor'
'investigative reporter'
muckraker extraordinaire.
Three copies.
You'll be working
mostly for him.
Bradford, huh?
Are you any relation
to Tom Bradford at the register?
My dad.
Oh, that's something.
He ever tell you
that research is boring
tedious, and very hard work?
Oh, yeah, he's mentioned it
a few hundred times.
Uh, Mr. Trout, I know
what I'm getting into.
I have no illusions.
- Believe me.
- Good.
Now, that's a new heading right,
right there.
Then you won't mind
your first assignment, Bradford?
No, I won't.
Cream and sugar or black?
[laughing]
Black.
Joannie, oh, you
couldn't make me happier.
Or prouder.
I tell you the truth
I never wanted
to mention this before
because I didn't wanna
put anybody
under any kind of pressure.
But I was always hoping
that one of you might
someday choose journalism.
Yeah, well, I think
it's great too, dad, I do.
But remember, it's just a job.
- I still wanna be an actress.
- I always said that too.
What, you wanted
to be an actress?
Oh, yes, I would've been
a very good one.
[laughing]
But journalism
can get into your blood.
You'll see, newspapers
can change people's lives.
Shape world events.
Yeah, but I'm not
working for newspaper.
I'm working
for Jeffrey Trout, remember?
Yeah, I remember.
That's the only unfortunate part
of the whole thing.
Oh, dad, you're not
being fair to him.
His stories are
immediate, visual--
Shallow, sensationalistic.
Do I detect a touch
of professional jealousy?
What?
Now, why would
a professional journalist
ever be jealous
over a professional huckster.
[Joannie laughs]
(Joannie)
'Dad.'
[sighs]
[knock on door]
- Hi, Abby.
- Hi, Mary.
Uh, I was just taking a break
and, oh, I thought maybe you
could use the company, you know.
Oh, thanks, Mary,
but at the moment
I'm up to my neck in
theories of testing.
You know, someone should
really do something about that
linen closet.
Uh-huh.
W-well, it's either shrinking
or the towels
are cloning themselves.
Right.
I-I mean, Abby,
there-there's no room.
Uh, I-I had to use
the fifth shelf
you know, the high one,
the fifth shelf.
Right, the one above the forth.
(Mary)
'Right. That's, that's the one.'
You know, that would
make a great hiding place
if someone
wanted to hide something.
Which someone obviously did
which you obviously discovered
so would you
just get to the point, Mary?
The point, right, uh
okay, I'm getting
to the point, Abby.
It's just that
I don't know how to approach it.
I mean things got
a little touchy
around here the last time
you thought you were pregnant.
Pregnant?
What're you talking about?
I'm talking about this.
I-it's one of those
do-it-yourself
testing kit, you know.
It tells you
whether you are or you aren't.
Well, I definitely aren't.
It's not mine.
- It isn't?
- No.
[instrumental music]
Well, it definitely belongs
to somebody in this house.
[indistinct]
Susan.
Right, I mean,
she's staying with us
while Merle's out of town and--
And she is married.
So, it must be Susan.
I hope.
[instrumental music]
(Tom)
So, Nicholas,
how was your first lesson
with the lawn mower?
I rather talk about
something else.
Oh, well, there's
nothing like a good movie
that take a man's mind
off his troubles.
I mean, uh, imagine "Snow White"
playing in our neighborhood,
it's just so fortunate
that I overheard Tommy talking
about it on the telephone.
- But it's a kid's movie, dad.
- Oh, nonsense, it's a classic.
- It transcends all ages.
- What's a classic?
A classic is something
that's considered very good
that's been around
a long time.
- You mean, like you?
- Yes. No, not like me.
'That's not what I mean.'
Five dollars?
Boy, oh, boy.
Two please.
Thank you. Let's go, Nicholas.
At these prices,
I don't wanna miss a second.
I swear the last time
I came to this theatre
the tickets
were only two dollars.
[instrumental music]
Uh, I don't get it.
Keep moving.
- But you said--
- Don't look back.
I won't.
I didn't get to see anything.
I certainly hope not.
- Why?
- Because..
Because why?
Because just keep moving!
(Tom)
'How can you read
with a p*rn theater'
'in your own neighborhood?'
- Pass the bread, dad?
- It's absolutely appalling.
I mean, to think
that moral turpitude
out-and-out decadence
is spreading
this close to your own home?
- Hey, better late than never.
- You see this, Abby?
I mean, it's even
influencing our children.
It was just a joke, Tom.
Come on, dad, don't you think
you're overreacting?
No, I don't.
And what's more,
I don't understand
this apathy
to the whole situation.
'I really don't.'
I'm sorry, dad,
we just don't think
it's such a big deal.
Well, if it bothers you
that much, dad
why don't use the first
amendment to fight it.
Your typewriter's
your best w*apon.
'Power of the press, right?'
That's a very good
idea, Joannie.
Leave it to
the journalistic air apparent
to turn the tide
of a motion into
constructive activity.
I'll get to it
in a couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks?
I thought you said,
it was urgent, dad.
Yeah, out-and-out
decadence, remember?
Oh, please,
I'm writing a six-part series
on urban transportation.
That's important too.
I can't change
horses in mid-stream now, can I?
That would be irresponsible.
Oh, hey, dad, since,
Nicholas will be
mowing the lawn soon by himself
I have some free time.
Maybe I could help you out.
Oh, really?
Oh, that's very
thoughtful of you, Tommy.
What could you do?
Research, I kinda always
wanted to be a journalist.
I mean, I could, uh,
hang around the theater
observe, take notes.
[indistinct chattering]
Just trying to help.
[all laughing]
You look like you need
a good joke, what's wrong?
I'll live.
My corporate spying story
just got temporarily shelved.
Aw.
- 'Didn't like it?'
- Oh.
- He loved it.
- I don't understand.
Ratings, Bradford.
Ratings. Big week is coming up.
He doesn't think this has
got enough emotional impact
to get the big numbers.
Well, what kind of story does?
[sighs]
Anything that
hits a lot of nerves.
Child abuse,
uh, social injustice
political rip-offs..
What about p*rn?
Yeah, sometimes, sure.
Oh, it sure hit a big nerve
in my father the other evening.
He must have run across
something big.
[laughing]
No.
Well, he got stumbled into it.
Our neighborhood theatre turned
p*rn and he didn't know
a thing about it
till he took my little brother.
That can hit a lot of nerves.
Yeah.
A lot of nerves.
- Is he gonna do a column?
- Oh, yeah, for sure.
He's not gonna do
for couple of weeks though.
He's got a series to finish.
Joannie, if this story,
the p*rn story
'were being done on television'
how would you handle it?
How would I handle it?
[inhales]
I don't know, uh..
Let me see, maybe, uh..
...maybe "it could happen
in your neighborhood"
kind of angle, you know,
"what kind of person pushes
smut in the neighborhood",
is that ideal?
You're catching on, Bradford.
I am? Thanks.
- Let's do it.
- What?
It's just
what we're looking for.
Perfect for the ratings.
But my father's doing it.
In a week or two?
Do you want me
to scoop my own father?
I couldn't do that.
He'd do it to you
in a second, kid.
He's a professional.
So are you, I think.
I don't know. I don't know.
Bradford, let me put it
to you another way.
You're still on probation here.
A story like this could
cinch you a permanent job.
It might even get you a sh*t
at reporting on camera some day.
Think about it.
[instrumental music]
[groaning]
[knock on door]
Susan.
Hmm?
Are you alright?
Oh, nothing major.
Just make it a small simple
ceremony, just the family.
- Your stomach?
- Yeah.
- Is this being going on long?
- Seems like forever.
Have you told Merle?
Susan, I know I've told you
this before, but, uh
well, if there's ever anything
that you needed
to talk to somebody about
a problem, you know.
I mean, even though
you're married now, well
you know
I'm still here, don't you?
I know, Abby.
I mean, from my own experience,
early in my marriage
well, I know that things
have a way of getting
blown out of proportion
when they're
difficult to talk about.
Susan...
...is there anything?
What?
Oh.
I'm sorry, Abby, it's just
still hard to concentrate.
All I keep thinking
about all these disgusting
sunflower seeds
backstroking through
the rancid yogurt on the way
to the Brussel sprouts.
- Brussel sprouts?
- Right next to the alpha-alpha.
[moaning]
You mean it was a health salad?
That's a very loose
interpretation.
Oh.
[groaning]
[instrumental music]
So, Nicholas.
Why don't you
tell me about "Snow White?"
What about it?
The whole, you know, uh
how the story goes.
- I kinda forgot.
- You really wanna know?
Sure, why not?
I mean,
it'll k*ll a few minutes.
Okay.
See, there's this princess.
And her name is Snow White.
And her step mom is a real drag.
Not like Abby.
Yeah, why don't you
just skip to the good part?
You mean the part
about the woodsman guy?
Yeah, right.
Well, he likes Snow White too
much to bump her off, you see.
So, he brought her to this house
with a whole
bunch of midgets in it.
Midgets?
What happened to the sailors?
Sailors? Nah, you're
thinking about Popeye.
Nicholas, uh, what I'd rather
hear about is
the other Snow white.
You know the one that
dad took you to see.
Oh, that one.
I didn't get to see nothing.
- You didn't see anything?
- Dad's hand.
- That's it?
- Well, maybe a little bit.
- Yeah.
- Of his elbow.
'Oh!'
One welfare employee
was overheard saying
"The system just doesn't
work the way it should."
For little Tina here,
it doesn't work at all.
She may not know much
about politics.
But she knows
what it is to be hungry.
'I'm downtown.'
'This is Jeffrey Trout'
'Channel , news.'
"This is Jeffrey Trout.
Channel , news."
What a lot of humbug.
(Joannie)
'Eye contact's not bad.'
The delivery's gonna
need a lot of work though.
Hi, did you see that stunt?
What a sensationalist.
Come on, dad.
You said, you were gonna
give Jeffrey a chance.
Be a little more open-minded.
I know, but I-I hate that
kind of approach to a story.
Don't you?
It was partly my idea.
Oh. Well..
- It's bed time.
- Yeah.
Dad, I've been reading some
of your journalism books lately.
Oh, yeah? That's terrific.
You know, I like especially
the one about Pulitzer.
He really knew how to scoop
the other papers, didn't he?
Oh, yeah. Well, those were
the golden days of journalism.
Was it ethical though, scooping?
Mm-hmm. Getting there first
is the name of the game.
Survival of the fittest.
That's why it is so exciting.
I see.
Oh, hey, Nicholas,
it's getting late, you know.
I'm practically in bed.
Uh, how's the p*rn story
coming, dad?
Oh, well, in about a week.
I'm really anxious to get to it.
Dad, what would you say
if I told you
you're about to be scooped.
Oh, well, I'd say who?
You mean that p*rn story?
You?
Wow. You learn fast.
- Maybe too fast.
- You want me to back off?
Oh, no, no, no, of course not.
Business is business.
But I want you
to promise me one thing.
I want you to do the story
right. In depth.
No stunts for Mr. Trout.
Oh, I'll try, dad.
Huh, thanks.
- Goodnight, honey.
- Goodnight.
Oh.
[sighs]
I can't help it, Kenny.
I've been too busy learning
how to mow the dumb grass.
Nah, she's okay.
Keeps running around in circles.
That mean anything?
What's Lambert?
- 'Abby?'
- 'Hmm.'
(Mary)
'Are you sure it's not Susan?'
(Abby)
'I don't think so.'
Right. Now what?
(Abby)
'Well, we continue
the investigation, delicately.'
I don't think there's a problem.
But if there were--
I mean, no, you're right. I mean
it's, uh, it's just much better
to be on the safer side.
I think we should
keep this between us, okay.
I mean there's no sense
in warning your father
until we have
something concrete.
You mean as in, who is she?
And is she..
Nicholas, are you
listening to me?
Okay, now,
lesson number two is safety.
Tommy, is lesson
number two gonna be
as boring as lesson number one?
Nicholas, look, I don't like
this anymore than you do.
But if you blow it, dad blames
me so, just listen up, okay?
Okay, but try and
make it interesting.
Yeah. Alright, rule number one
is never get your hands
or your feet near the blades.
Rule number two is always
watch where you're mowing.
- Rule number three--
- Tommy.
What, Nicholas?
This is getting boring again.
[exhales]
(Joannie)
'No, I don't think,
that'll affect it.'
Okay. Thank you,
Mrs. Helman, right, goodbye.
What'd you dig up?
Well, a Mrs. Helman at the
County Clerk's office
says that the mortgage
on the Royal Theater's
held by a public corporation.
That's it?
Twenty minutes you were
on the phone
you didn't get a name?
[sighs]
American Unified Enterprises,
, , Rivercrest Drive.
- That's very good, Bradford.
- Right.
Don't start looking
too pleased with yourself
because you're just beginning.
- I am?
- That's right.
Corporations are faceless.
There's nothing for the viewers
to hang their emotions on.
You said it yourself
the other day.
I did.
Who would paddle smart
in your neighborhood.
Right?
I want a list of every single
stockholder in that corporation.
- What?
- No matter how small.
You'll get it, Mr. Trout.
You'll get it.
Every stockholder.
Laurie, this is Joannie.
Help.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mary.
(Mary)
'Pickle?'
Nancy?
Nancy, you're eating a pickle.
What's wrong with a pickle?
You wanna tell me about it?
Why would I wanna
tell you about it?
Well, because, uh..
...because I'm
willing to listen.
Are you still
dating that dental student?
Huh?
- Leonard?
- Yeah.
I only had one date with him.
He's a real creep.
You wouldn't believe it.
He had to floss his teeth
before he'd kiss me goodnight.
Well, Nancy,
who's the lucky guy these days?
Mary, I don't understand
your sudden interest
in my pickle
or in my social life.
But if you really must know,
it's been slow.
Real slow.
Oh, well, I was just curious.
So, if you're, uh,
trying to set me up
with someone, the answer is yes.
Mare, I'm desperate.
The truth of the matter
is, I haven't
seen anyone in a long time.
You haven't seen anyone,
in a long time?
- What's so funny?
- Don't ask.
She's flipped.
She's flipped.
You don't know
how you saved my life.
When he told me
to get all the names
of the stockholders, I didn't
know where to begin with.
It's easy
if you know where to look.
I'm just glad
I had the time to find them.
I stuck in a list
of my contacts too.
They'll help for the future.
Oh, thank you.
Laurie, have I told you,
how much I've--
Hey, let's not start that again.
Alright. Anyway,
who has the time?
I've got a story to do.
Let me see, stockholders,
stockholders.
Oh, this, oh..
Oh, Adelson..
Wunski, Berman,
Bradford, Braff..
Bradford?
Thomas J. Bradford?
Your dad?
My dad.
[intense music]
Hey, here comes David.
Maybe he knows how to start.
I don't need any help, Nicholas.
Well, it looks to me
like you need a little help.
I'm doing just fine, thank you.
Have you forgotten everything
I taught you?
It's all in the wrist, remember?
I remember what you taught me,
but it's not in the wrist.
You taught me wrong.
It's in the arm.
Like this, see.
(David)
'It's all in the wrist.'
'Like this, see.'
Oh, that's great, I see.
- I think guys are just--
- Not now, Nicholas.
Look, I'm a little rusty.
Couple of more pulls,
it ought to fire right up.
Would you guys
just listen to me?
Nicholas, stay out of it, okay?
It's not in the wrist,
it's in the arm.
- It's in the wrist.
- Do you mind?
The tradition is between
Nicholas and me now, okay?
I mind that
you're not passing on
the tradition correctly, okay?
Knock it off, will you?
Lesson three,
rule two.
Never forget to choke it.
[engine starts]
Oh, there you are.
- Hi, Abby.
- How you doing?
Listen, I was just
gonna take this, uh
quick trip to the cleaners,
do you wanna tag along?
No, it's alright.
You go ahead, thanks.
You don't have to be
an investigative reporter
to see that
there's something wrong.
Oh.
It's that obvious, huh?
Well, it's either that
or you're getting
into character for "Camille."
Huh!
Oh, gee.
Would you like to talk about it?
I can't, Abby, it's just uh..
It's one of those problems
you just have to
work out for yourself, you know.
I'd like to help.
I know, it-it's so..
...bizarre.
It's just...there isn't
one solution
that's gonna make
everybody happy.
Thanks, anyway.
Joannie, I know what it is.
- You do?
- Well, I wasn't sure of course.
I just suspected but..
Oh, well, it's true, I checked.
Abby, aren't you just shocked?
No, I mean, things like this,
well, they happen and..
- Well, your father is--
- That's just it?
My father.
Abby, that's what
I don't understand.
He knew I was gonna do this.
- He did?
- Sure.
I mean,
he was not too happy about it.
Who would be?
But he could've given me
some hint, you know?
Something to prepare me.
Well, Joannie, didn't he ever
talk to you about this?
No!
No, I think that he was just
too embarrassed or something.
Well, when you were younger,
didn't your mother--
No, no, I don't think that she
ever knew anything about it.
Well, Joannie,
that's impossible.
Well, whatever the case, I mean
I certainly
didn't know anything
about dad and the Royal Theatre.
- The Royal theatre?
- I mean it's truth.
Just a few shares of stock.
But that's not the point.
When it airs, he is
going to be implicated anyway.
And by his own daughter.
[sighs]
Thanks for the shoulder, Abby.
I know what I've gotta do.
[instrumental music]
Oh, well, hypothetical questions
are my specialty, sh**t.
Okay.
Um, say that you
are investigating a story
and in the course
of your research
you turn up something
that could hurt a close friend.
Oh, I get it.
You wanna see
if your responsibility is
to the story
or to your close friend.
You got it.
(Tom)
'Hmm, that's
a difficult dilemma.'
Sometimes very painful one.
However, I would have to say
that a true
professional journalist
first consideration must
always be to the story.
Oh, dad, why are you so
intend on hanging yourself?
Hm, if this
is another hypothetical
you've got me stumped.
Okay, dad, let's just stop
playing games, alright?
- I know.
- You know.
'Dad, something like this could'
'really damage your reputation.'
It might even ruin you.
Joannie, what are you
talking about?
We're talking about p*rn.
We are?
Specifically,
your part ownership
in the Royal Theatre.
Joannie, I don't know
what you're rambling about--
Um, dad, uh
under the Bs, five down.
This is a computer printout
of all the stockholders
of all the stockholders in
American Unified Enterprises.
in American Unified Enterprises.
Company that owns your theater.
Bradford?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This is a mistake.
It's, i-it's a computer error.
Now, dad, I don't know
why you did what you did
but it's right there
in black and white--
Now wait a minute, young lady.
Your first lesson as a reporter,
nothin' is black and white.
There's always
a little grey in between.
A lesson that your Mr. Trout
should start to practice.
I can't believe this.
Oh, dad, don't get
into that, alright?
- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?
I'm doing what you should have
done right from the beginning.
I'm calling my accountant,
getting to the bottom of this.
If this is true,
I could be ruined.
Yes, hello,
this is Tom Bradford.
I have to see Sidney right away.
I don't care if he's playing
Wimbledon, this is urgent!
I'm afraid
there's no mistake, Tom.
- Joannie's right.
- What? But how can that be?
I never bought stock
in a theater.
Indirectly you did.
Remember when I invested
part of your tax refund
about five years ago?
Yeah, sure, sure, but that
that was a company
that makes screen doors.
What has that
got to do with this?
It's really very simple.
Here, have a seat.
Last year,
they merged with a company
called American
Unified Enterprises
which in turn
holds a controlling interest
in a company called
Trans Allied Entertainment
which in turn runs the theater.
Simple.
Now beauty of the mergers
of the stockholders
of your company
gained a lucrative
bilateral realignment
with the other company.
Beautiful, huh?
Oh, yeah, this is very nice.
What does it mean?
Let me put it this way, Tom.
These are corporations.
You with me so far?
Alright, the paperweight
owns the letter opener.
Now when the pencil cup
merges with the paperweight
not only do both sets
of stockholders
now own the pencil cup
and the paperweight
they also own
part of the letter opener.
You got it?
But I don't wanna own
a letter opener.
Kenny, it's Nicholas.
Yeah, no changes,
but she's been eating a lot.
Scarfed up half a box of food.
Eating for two?
That'd be great. Twins.
You know, Elizabeth,
uh, we haven't had
one of our sister-to-sister
talks in a long time.
I kind of miss 'em.
Yeah, I guess
it has been a while, huh?
- Hmm.
- Is everything okay?
Oh, with me? Oh, it's great.
- How about you?
- No problems.
- Honest?
- Honest.
Oh, that's good.
You know,
that's not exactly true.
Oh, oh, Elizabeth,
now look, um..
Now y-you know,
you can trust me, okay?
And whatever the problem is, I..
...I'll help you
in anyway I can.
No matter what it is?
No matter what.
Okay, see if you can fix this.
I think a wire is loose again.
This is it? I mean,
this is your biggest problem?
Well, yeah, but that doesn't
matter. You promised, remember?
Oh, I remember, I remember.
- You wanted me?
- Bradford, where've you been?
I've been looking all over.
Uh, I haven't been
feeling well, Mr.--
There is no time to be sick.
We got too much to do.
- I just got the word.
- What?
Our story's gonna lead off
the ratings, period.
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.
We're gonna have to move fast.
We're gonna sh**t
the stand-up tomorrow
and the MOS on Wednesday.
Now where is the list?
Huh?
Uh, you know, I-I think we ought
to double-check that, Mr. Trout.
Um, we can be in a lot of
trouble if we make a mistake.
Joannie, there will be plenty
of time to verify the facts
before I actually go on the air.
To complete the story,
I need the names right away.
- Uh, yeah, uh--
- Don't freeze on me, Joannie.
We both have a job to do.
I need those names
and I need them now.
(Tommy)
Nicholas, you're supposed
to be watching me.
Now how else
are you gonna learn?
All I ever do is watch.
I've been watching you
for a week.
So you think you're ready
to handle it, huh, hotdog?
Does the big bug
live in a forest?
Bear, Nicholas.
Alright, I guess
you gotta solo sometime.
But no fancy stuff.
Just do one roll,
turn around and come back.
'Okay? Any questions?'
You positive now
that there are no questions?
No questions.
Now stop worrying.
Okay, just let her rip.
Hey, attaboy, Nicholas.
You're doing great.
Now start to turn.
Start to turn, Nicholas.
Nicholas, turn.
Oh, no.
I guess it's too late
to ask a question, huh?
- Is this gonna take long, dad?
- What?
Uh, oh, oh, I was..
No, no, no, no, I just..
I just wanted you all
to, to be aware
'of a, of a situation'
'that, uh, ha-has, um,
has developed, uh..'
Sometimes we discover
certain things
about other things
that we didn't even know existed
or would have
when we weren't involved
with the original thing.
It's gonna take a while.
(Tom)
Well, of course, it's not
as simple as all that.
Sometimes, complications set in
that inevitably lead
to other complications and..
Uh, I'm not making any sense
out of this at all, am I?
'What?'
N-now, look,
this is a corporation.
This is another corporation.
This is the letter opener
that caused all the trouble.
Letter opener?
This isn't working, Abby.
What's going on?
(Mary)
'Nicholas, believe me'
'that's what we'd all
like to know.'
(Abby)
'Uh, what your father
is trying to say'
is that, uh, due to a, uh,
strange set of circumstances
that he knew nothing about,
but that Joannie discovered
he..
...owns a small percentage
of the Royal Theater.
- You mean the one--
- Yeah, that's the one.
(Abby)
'Now I'm sure that he can count
on all of us for his support.'
Uh, it was an honest mistake
and, uh, I don't think
we need to make anything
more of it than there is.
Alright, my own dad,
p*rn king of Sacramento.
You may not like what Tommy said
but your confession
was hardly a disaster.
Oh, really?
I counted four giggles
and three smirks.
Which just proves
that no one in this house
was totally devastated.
So Mr. Trout breaks the story,
it is not the end of the world
and we can handle
what people say.
Yeah, but,
how do I handle Joannie?
Joannie will understand.
Then why did she disappear
before I had a chance
to explain all the facts?
'I don't know,
I-I had other things'
'on my mind the last time
we talked, but..'
'Well, she probably
had to think things out.'
I mean, she's in a tough spot
trapped between her job
and her father.
Correction, trapped
between the hard principles
I expound
and the low acts I commit.
- 'They were unknowing acts.'
- Careless acts.
It's my money,
it was my responsibility.
I tell everybody around here
to watch their pennies
and I let mine go
into the p*rn business.
No wonder Joannie thinks
I am a hypocrite.
I've gotta find her.
My reputation, I can lose.
My daughter, I can't.
Oh, hi, excuse me,
uh, could you tell me
where I could find
Joannie Bradford?
- I'm her father.
- Oh, you're Joannie's father.
- Yes, yes.
- Jeffrey Trout.
I'm a big fan of your column.
Right, oh, thank you.
Isn't that nice?
Uh, well, your stories
are the source of spirit
and conversation
in the Bradford house.
Well, I guess I must
be doing something right.
Yes, uh..
I wonder, I had to see Joannie
for a minute.
I know she's very busy,
but I'll just be a second.
You mean, you don't..
Uh, I assumed, you..
Would you mind
stepping into my office?
It's a little more private
in there.
- Joannie quit?
- 'An hour ago.'
Just walked out.
No explanation.
I could only guess
she was feeling guilty
about scooping you.
No, no, no,
there's more to it than that.
- Much more.
- 'What do you mean?'
Did Joannie ever give you a list
of the American
Unified Stockholders?
No, she didn't.
Joannie had a conflict
of interest.
My name is on that list.
- You?
- Under the Bs, five down.
I was as shocked as Joannie.
- You didn't know?
- Assassinated by a merger.
Nevertheless, guilty
of financial negligence
in the first degree.
I wanted to fill Joannie in
and it was complicated.
That explains a lot.
Poor kid.
What a tough spot to be in
'especially
on a first assignment.'
It was.
I didn't think she'd do this.
I-I'll get you a list
as soon as possible.
- Mr. Bradford?
- Yes.
You know..
...in the light
of what you just told me
this, uh, this story is not
as clear-cut as it seem.
I mean, there must be
other stockholders
in the same predicament.
Yeah, that's a possibility.
Well, now, that's,
uh, that's an angle
we'd be obligated to cover.
What are you getting at,
Mr. Trout?
And it's gonna take
a lot of time to, uh
to investigate this properly.
Time that I just can't spare
at the moment.
You're saying that you're
going to k*ll the story.
Oh, no, no,
we'll do it eventually.
Unless of course, I get scooped.
'I mean, there's a chance
it could even be picked up'
by, uh, someone with a more
imminent knowledge of the facts.
That is a possibility.
If that were to happen
I can assure you
that it will be handled
with complete integrity.
Of that, Mr. Bradford,
I have no doubt.
After all, we are professionals.
That we are, Mr. Trout.
That we are.
(Mary)
'I give up.
From all the indications'
'everyone seems to be acting
as normal as ever.'
- I know.
- Well, Abby, one thing's clear.
I mean, this thing did not
get into the closet by itself.
Any ideas
before we throw in the towel?
Just one. I think it's time
for a direct confrontation
with your sisters.
Agreed. The showdown.
Well, I don't know,
maybe they're planning
a surprise party or something.
Are you kidding?
For all three of us?
Yeah, Elizabeth's right.
I think Abby and Mary
have totally flipped.
Every time we turn around
they're up there
having a private conference.
Well, I'm sick of it
and we're gonna find out
what they're up to.
Just try to be
a little subtle, okay?
- 'Okay.'
- 'Mary?'
[indistinct chatter]
Alright, alright, time out.
You first.
Okay, something very strange
has been going on in this house.
We'd like to know what it is
and we'd like to know right now.
Subtle.
[clears throat]
Hmm, subtle.
- Is that what I think it is?
- It is.
Well, does anyone care
to claim ownership?
- Well, not me.
- Uh, no way.
Oh, don't look at me.
Hey, that's mine.
Nicholas, it's yours?
Well, actually I borrowed it
from Kenny P. Landers.
And just where did Kenny get it?
Well, it's his mom's.
See, we're gonna use it
to find out
if Marsha's gonna have a baby.
- Marsha, your hamster?
- Yeah.
Maybe twins. Isn't that great?
See, I told Kenny that
we wouldn't have to hide it
but he said it makes
grown-ups nervous.
You know, I think
Kenny worries too much.
Joannie?
Had a feeling
it was gonna be you.
You know, if you're trying to
hide away from your troubles--
...you're gonna have to be
a lot more clever.
- No lectures, okay?
- Okay.
I was at your TV station.
I wanted to fill you in on
what Sidney Vector had told me.
Yeah, Abby talked to me.
I'm really sorry
I doubted you, dad.
That's alright.
It was kind of a suspicious
story on the surface.
Yeah, so were a lot of things.
If you don't look hard enough,
which I didn't..
- Guess he told you that I quit.
- Yeah.
And I, uh, I was surprised.
I, I mean,
you didn't have to do that.
I would have understood, really.
I know you would.
You're a pro, I'm not.
I don't have the stomach
for that.
- Joannie?
- Dad.
I love you. You're my father,
you know, I mean..
I mean, you understand
I couldn't possibly ever do that
to, to do something
to purposely hurt you.
If that's what it takes
to be a good journalist
then it's not worth it.
Well, not for me anyway.
Besides, I wanna be an actress.
It's just as well
I found out now.
Joannie, I'll let you
in on something.
I don't think that I could have
gone through with it either.
Oh, yes, you would have,
of all the people I know
you would have never
compromised your principles.
It's nice to think that,
but I don't know if its true.
I, I've been a very lucky man.
I never had to.
Principles
are a wonderful thing.
But so are the people
that you love.
And I'm not positive
that I wouldn't have done
exactly the same thing.
- Really, dad?
- Yeah.
I-I'll let you know
something else too.
- You'd make a great journalist.
- No, I wouldn't--
Yeah, yeah, you have the talent
and the brains and the ambition.
And most important,
you know what you have?
You have..
...heart.
Oh, dad.
Oh, thanks.
I let you in
on something wonderful.
- Can you do me a favor?
- Yeah.
Uh, I was wondering
if you could, uh, come up
with, uh, with a title
for my new column.
- Sure.
- I-I have this here.
But I-I think
it might be a little flashy.
Uh, what do you think?
"I Was A Middle-aged
p*rn King."
Dad, is this.. I mean,
what about the TV station?
I mean, Jeffrey's couldn't--
Oh yes, yes,
I forgot to tell you.
Uh, they changed their plans
and, uh..
Well, why don't you let
Mr. Trout tell you
about that
when you go back to work?
Work? You mean..
You mean they actually
want me to come back?
Oh, yes.
He has a very important,
special assignment for you.
It has something to do
with, uh, coffee, black.
Oh.
Aw.
Nicholas, are you still having
trouble with the lawn mower?
Nah. It's those flowers
that give me a pain.
Now listen,
can I ask you a question?
And I want you
to be totally honest.
- Okay.
- Do you like mowing the lawn?
- I hate it.
- See, that's what I thought.
Come here.
- Can you keep a secret?
- Sure.
[whispers]
I don't want this to get around
but I miss the job
ever since I gave it to David.
I've secretly
missed it very much.
- You have?
- Oh, yes.
[whispers]
Do you wanna give the job back?
Unless, of course,
you have objections
to breaking family traditions.
[whispers]
No, I mean,
we got to be flexible.
That settles it then.
Very good.
I'll get you another job.
Now you go upstairs
and have fun and mirth.
and I'll finish it for you.
Okay, but just
one more thing, dad.
What is that?
Can we stop talking
like this now?
[normal tone]
No. Yes, of course, Nicholas.
Alright.
- What was that all about?
- Oh, nothing, nothing.
We're just having
a business transaction.
Oh, by the way,
you never told me about
your latest conversation
with Sidney Vector.
Oh, it went very well, Abby.
You know, the column
got so much attention
that American Unified
called a special meeting
of their board of directors.
- And?
- They're selling the theater.
In fact, they think
they might even have a buyer.
A religious group
that wants to show family films.
Well, does this mean
you'll get a profit?
No, no, they've decided
to reinvest the money
in a little bookstore
down on th Street
that specializes
in Greek literature.
Oh, well, then I'm glad
everything worked out.
I gotta go. Bye.
No, no, I'm not lyin'.
You should see
his magazine rack.
Yeah, Errol's Bookstore,
th Street.
[theme music]
04x06 - The Devil and Mr. Bradford
Watch/Buy Amazon
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.