04x23 - Official Positions

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

- It's mine.

- Elizabeth, it's mine.

- It's not.

- Yes, it is.

What are you two fighting about?

- My bubble bath.

- It's my bubble bath.

Elizabeth,

yours is spicy cinnamon

mine is happy buttercup.

Mine is happy buttercup,

Nancy, you're wrong.

- Jack gave it to me.

- Roger gave it to me.

Can I just see something?

Nicholas, would you go

find your own fights?

- Can I just see something?

- Uh! Oh.

Empty, like I figured.

- Nancy, how could you?

- Don't blame me.

She's right, don't blame her.

- What?

- I used it.

- You used my happy buttercup?

- I like bubbles.

What am I gonna do with you?

Thank me. I just settled

your dumb argument.

- Nicholas!

- Nicholas!

[theme song]

♪ There's a magic in the early

morning we've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles

on everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough

to fill our lives with love ♪

♪ Oh we spend our days like

bright and shiny new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled

by the changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

[bell rings]

What's wrong, Jackson?

- Nothing.

- That's good.

And I don't wanna

talk about it.

Why not? I'd listen,

and I wouldn't tell anyone.

Forget it,

you wouldn't understand.

I understand

that it's not nothing.

It's nothing?

Okay.

Well, maybe nothing

wouldn't bother you as much

if you spend the night

at my house tonight.

No.

We're having a great dinner,

spaghetti.

Spaghetti?

- Are you Italian?

- No, are you?

Only when it comes to spaghetti.

[chuckles]

- Alright.

- See there, nothing to it.

Let's give it a try.

But, Merle,

you don't understand.

I flunked gym,

four semesters in a row.

The only passing grade

I ever got was in hot showers.

Oh, come on, Nance,

you can do it.

It's for a good cause.

Yeah,

and, and we really need you.

- Well..

- Come on.

Okay.

- Alright.

- Here goes nothing.

- Yeah! Yeah!

- What happened?

- You sunk it.

- I did?

But you shouldn't

keep your eyes closed.

Merle, I can't help it.

I get embarrassed

when I see myself missed.

- You mean I actually did it?

- Yeah, you actually did.

That's fantastic!

Well, maybe I will play ball

after all.

Are the uniforms cute?

Hey, Merle, what's going on?

- Hey, Nicholas.

- Hi, guys.

- Howdy, Jackson.

- Hiya.

Hey, uh, me and Jackson

will take you on

if you give us points.

Uh, not right now, Nicholas.

I have to coach your sisters.

- My sisters?

- 'It's right, slugger.'

I'm putting a team together.

Merle's Marauders.

'We'll play the prelim game'

'at the children's

hospital benefit.'

Can me and Nicholas

play in your team?

I'm sorry, Jackson,

it's girls only.

Bradford sisters versus

the Cyclone player's wives.

Oh, you mean,

it's just for laughs.

Are you kidding, buddy?

Watch this.

- Show him your stuff, Nance.

- Alright.

[instrumental music]

[chuckling]

- Two more points?

- No, one lost ball.

- Lots of luck, Merle.

- Yeah.

(Abby)

'Tom, you know you have to keep

Jackson and Nicholas'

'from giggling all night.'

Oh, well, I'll allow them

one pillow fight

two drinks of water,

and then at sleep

will get separated.

I really appreciate this.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

That's alright,

I have something I can work on.

But it maybe very late.

Oh?

Yeah, Professor Hardgrave

wants to talk to me

after class

about my thesis notes.

- Problem?

- I hope not.

Are you sure

you don't mind if I miss

our usual o'clock date?

I'll be fine.

You're the most understanding

husband in Sacramento.

[chuckles]

Oh, yes,

and also in the suburbs.

Roseville, Citrus Heights.

- Egotist.

- Where's that?

Oh.

[typewriter keys clacking]

Coffee for the writer.

Hi, dad, how's your novel going?

Shh, not so loud.

Oh, it's alright, Nicholas

and Jackson are upstairs

everyone else is gone.

Oh.

I didn't know

you were so nervous about it.

No, no, no, I'm not nervous.

It's just that I,

I wanna keep this project

between the two of us

until I get it back on course.

Um, wow, dad,

I'm really flattered.

Oh, you understand about

this artistic endeavors.

It's best not to talk

about an audition

or get people

excited about anything

until it becomes a reality.

Yeah. It does make rejection

a lot easier.

I didn't wanna put it

quite that bluntly

but you're right.

You know, dad,

I have a feeling that this time

you're not gonna be rejected.

'Keep that feeling

and we'll see.'

No, no, really, I mean it.

The last six or seven times

your novel was rejected--

- Four or five times.

- Oh, right.

I mean, the last four or five

times, you were working under

really difficult circumstances.

Your family was young,

and there was so much

confusion in the house,

it's no wonder

you didn't do your best work

but this time,

everything is going through.

You concentrate on your goal

and go for it.

Alright.

Wait, didn't I gave you that

same speech about acting?

Oh, yeah. It's a good one.

You should listen to it.

I will.

But am I eligible

for Merle's Marauders?

You're a girl

who looks great in gym trunks

and you're

in the Bradford family.

Merle says it's all it takes.

Come on, Janet,

if they can talk me into it

they certainly

can talk you into it.

Okay, why not? It might be fun.

- Good.

- But what about Susan?

Well, Merle says

she's an eligible.

She's actually one

in six-ninths players.

Yeah, but Susan,

likes basketball so much.

'Sitting on the sidelines

will be really hard for her.'

But a lot easier

on her obstetrician.

(Elizabeth)

'I think it's appropriate that

we make Susan our team mother.'

Hey, you guys, that's fantastic.

Counting Joannie,

we have a complete team.

Wait a minute, counting Susan

and her six-ninth

we also have a complete

rooting section.

[chuckles]

That's true.

Susan had a good check-up, Tom.

- A very good check-up.

- Oh, really?

I'm glad to hear that, Greg.

Uh, how's Mary?

Fine, fine.

- Joannie.

- Fine.

And so are Tommy

and Nicholas and David

and Elizabeth and Nancy.

They're all doing just great.

Come on, Greg,

why don't you admit it?

Now why did you come around

here for the first time

in three months to find out how

healthy the Bradford clan was?

What's on your mind?

Nothing.

Can't I make

a simple house call?

No, not without losing

your medical license.

What's bugging you?

Well...if you insist

on prying it out of me

I'll tell you..

- It's Daisy.

- Oh, what about Daisy?

She's getting her

real estate license.

Really? Good for her.

Well, that's easy for you

to say, you're not her husband.

Come on, that's a normal

human development.

After all,

her children are grown

her grandchildren

are out of state.

She's bored with club works

so she gets

a real estate license.

Without any consideration

for my predicament.

What predicament?

She'll be working

a lot of evenings.

What'll I do?

Do you mean, besides

feeling sorry for yourself?

Right.

You know, Greg, I had that

same sense of desertion

when Abby went out

for PhD full time

but this is a new world

we live in.

We can't hold our women back.

Why can't we?

Because it's not fair.

And because they wouldn't let us

even if we tried.

We have to change

with the times.

We have to give our women

their freedom.

At the expense of our happiness?

I felt the same way you did

until I cured myself.

You cured yourself?

Now, I'm really depressed.

Couldn't you spend a couple

of thousand on psychiatry?

Well, I mean it took

a little time

but I finally figured

that I had to use that time

that Abby was busy

to realize my fondest dream.

So I began to write that novel

that I had started I Korea.

Oh, I remember. You were gonna

be another Hemmingway.

Yeah, so I may still

be another Hemmingway

because now that I've started,

I don't resent the time

that Abby is away

and you should do

the same thing with Daisy.

Just throw yourself

into something.

How about the river?

It's very easy, Greg.

Just let Daisy find her thing

and you find yours.

It's so simple.

- You're gonna blow it for me.

- What?

Going to bed minutes early,

without being told.

It's what I feel like doing.

But we hardly played any games.

I don't wanna get too used

to all your games.

What?

A guy can get hooked

in that stuff.

He could wanna play them

all the time.

Well, you can.

Come over whenever you want.

Nah. This is the last time

I'm going to be here.

Was it something I said?

No.

Then how come you're not gonna

come to my house anymore?

I'll be too busy

after school.

- 'Doing what?'

- Looking for work.

What kind of work can you get?

I don't know,

but it have to be something.

My mom lost her job.

[typewriter keys clacking]

(Joannie)

'Nance.'

Look, don't disturb him

right now, okay?

- Why not?

- Well, I can't tell you.

Well, then I have to disturb--

No, not unless

it's really important, okay?

Well, it's not crucial, Joannie

but it's important enough

to interrupt his column--

- It's not his columns, you see.

- Well, then I can interrupt?

No.

[sighs]

Look, it would be a lot easier

on dad if you understood

but please, don't let on

than you do, okay?

[whispering]

Dad's writing his novel again.

Oh, what are we

whispering about?

[whispering]

Well, he doesn't want anybody..

Oh.

[chuckles]

He doesn't want anybody to

know about it till it's over.

Oh. that's great.

Great? It is fantastic, Nancy.

He's so excited,

he's writing again.

And this time,

we're all self-sufficient adults

we can take care of ourselves,

stay out of his way

and let him achieve his dreams.

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Isn't it a wonderful night?

Well, you're in a happy mood?

Oh, happy? I'm ecstatic.

You're not gonna believe this.

Do you know what..

Do you know my

Professor Dr. Hardgrave?

'Well, he's got this very close

friend who's in publishing.'

Oh, Abby, that's terrific,

dad ought to meet him.

Oh, he will because he'll be

in Sacramento all week.

That's wonderful.

Yeah, well, now listen to this.

Dr. Hardgrave showed him

some of my research material

and my thesis outline..

- Your material?

- Yes.

And he, uh, he thinks it's gonna

make a wonderful book.

What is this about a book?

Oh, Tom, you're gonna be

so happy for me.

I've sold a book.

I'm an author.

[dramatic music]

He says it's a natural.

The public is very interested

in how traditional education

determine sex roles.

Well, any book about sex

has to do great?

Oh, no, Nancy, that's just it.

See, he, he promised that he

wouldn't exploit this material.

See, it'll use my research

to show how schools

force boys into one mold

and girls into another

with, with no regards for their

real talents and interests.

Sounds fascinating, Abby.

So you actually

do have a contract?

Yeah, he's bringing it tomorrow.

See, apparently

what I have to do

is write two sample chapters

and then I have to revise

the thesis outline

into a book outline,

and then if they like all that

'then they'll give me

six months to write the book.'

Oh, boy, you'll be busy.

Yeah, but Dr. Hardgrave says

I'll be able to get an extension

on my thesis deadline.

See, he thinks

it's as important as I do

'that this material reach

the widest possible audience'

'but I'm gonna try to do both.'

You will be busy.

Do you think we could get

free autograph copies

when your book comes out?

Nancy, I'm counting on

this family

to make sure it's a best seller.

[both laughing]

- 'Abby?'

- 'Mm-hmm.'

(Tom)

This is our bedroom.

I wouldn't think of

stealing your study.

Oh, I wasn't about

to suggest that.

I knew you weren't,

that's why I'm here.

Well, there's the dinning room.

Now, I just wouldn't think of,

A, clearing my work away

every night or

B, submitting a manuscript

in Boston peanut butter.

Well, then how about

the, uh, screened porch?

It's too close to the television

and the stereo

I'd never get anything done.

- The garage?

- Never.

Well, I mean, suppose you wake

up in the middle of the night

and see all these stuff

kinda staring at you.

I won't.

You can spend the whole night

there with all these stuff?

I mean, wouldn't you feel

uncomfortable?

- I think it's cozy.

- Cozy?

Oh, yes, very cozy.

You, me and the typewriter.

'Tom?'

Don't worry about me.

What kind of work

does your mom do, Jackson?

She's a boss.

How can a boss lose a job?

Well, she was boss

in this big office

and they decided

to close it down.

Oh, I'm sure she'll find

another job sooner.

She says things are slow

right now.

Well, I can loan you cents

until she gets one.

- We don't take loans.

- Don't get mad, Jackson.

I just like it

when you come over.

Yeah.

Well, maybe I can come over

to your house.

I might not be there.

Once before my mom lost her job,

and we had to move.

Oh, no! Not again.

Oh!

- What's wrong?

- I'm hurrying too fast.

Well, you know how to fix that,

just hurry slower.

I can't.

I have to type my thesis,

I have to organize my note

I have to write

two sample chapters

and I have to type

two sample chapters

and I have to do all of this

before my deadlines.

'I need at least six more hands

or one good secretary.'

Well, have you talked

to Jackson's mother?

Is she a secretary?

'Well, Jackson said

she used to run an office'

'and she's looking for work.'

That's great. Thanks, Tommy,

I'll check it out.

Mm-hmm.

[mumbling]

(Tom)

'You'll pay?'

[Tom laughing]

'You haven't paid for my lunch

since October , .'

Because you haven't given me

any good advice

since October , .

- Oh!

- Not until last night.

You know, Tom, I went home and

I thought about what you said

and the more I thought it

through, the more sense it made.

Well, I-I may have spoken

little hastily.

No, you were right on.

I've got to let

Daisy do her thing.

And the way for me to handle it

is to find my thing.

It's that simple.

Maybe it's too simple.

No, the trick is in

what you said.

I must regard her new career

as my opportunity

and then...it came to me.

Liver.

Liver?

The most underrated organ

in the human body.

I see.

But it won't be

after I'm through.

I'm going to know more

about the human liver

than any man in this country.

I'm going to read books,

I going to take courses

'I'm going to do research.'

And in a hundred years from now,

when men think of liver..

...they're gonna think

of Greg Maxwell.

Well, if that's what you want.

It's exactly what I want.

But you see,

I never had the chance to try

and now that I do,

I feel like a kid again.

Can I give you

another piece of advice?

'Please.'

Just pray that she doesn't quit

real estate to become a doctor.

[chuckles]

[whistles]

Okay, uh, we'll start

with some layups.

- Who's first?

- Joannie.

- Mary.

- Uh, what's a layup?

You know what a layup is.

Well, I know,

but if Merle hears me asking

then I won't have to be first.

- I'll go first.

- You?

Yeah, volunteering is the only

part in basketball I'm good at.

Ball, please, Merle.

Uh...you're wearing gloves.

I know.

But you don't play basketball

with gloves on.

Well, Merle,

if you think I'm gonna break

my fingernails,

you can forget it.

It took a long time

to grow these babies.

Okay.

Now, do I dribble?

On the quarter off.

[chuckles]

Come on, Nancy,

let me see your stuff.

You just watch this.

- Well..

- 'Oh!'

How did I do?

Well, let's just say

we got a great chance

for making the other team

very overconfident.

- We do?

- Oh, yeah.

- Terrific.

- Exactly.

Okay, Joannie. Alright, let's

see you do something with it.

- Come on, Joannie.

- 'Come on, Joannie.'

- Hey.

- 'Oh!'

[all cheering]

- Elizabeth, you're off.

- Go on.

- Oh.

- Okay, okay.

Keep it up.

Keep it up. Janet.

- Keep it up.

- Come on, Janet, let's go.

- Oh..

- No, no.

Alright, Mary, take it in.

Take it in.

Taking it in, baby,

here I go.

[cheering]

Okay, alright.

[whistles]

'Okay, listen up.'

We're through kidding around,

we got work to do

and I mean it.

I can't tell you

how much this is gonna help me.

Oh, it's perfect for me too.

I have an application

in at Senator Avory's office

but the position won't be open

for several weeks.

Oh, this will work out great

for you then

because you don't have to worry

about Jackson after school.

And Nicholas will love having

him here. I mean, so will we.

That will be awfully nice,

Mrs. Bradford.

- Oh, Abby.

- Thank you, Abby.

- And I'm Lillian.

- Lillian.

So when can you start?

- Tomorrow morning.

- Uh, that's perfect.

- That's great.

- Okay.

Come on, don't float the ball.

Come on, come on, just throw it.

- Throw it.

- Throw it.

That's it. That's it. Hard.

Keep those eyes open.

'Look one place,

throw at another.'

Come on, come on!

Come on, get with it.

Well, don't just stand here,

get the ball.

Hustle!

Merle, what's with

the Gestapo bit?

Yeah, come on, Merle, you said

this was supposed to be fun.

Fun is winning.

Twenty-five laps, everybody!

What?

And Jackson can play

here every day

and sleep over sometimes.

- That's right, Nicholas.

- Thanks, Abby.

No, thank, Tommy.

It was really his idea.

- Thanks, Tommy.

- Don't mention it, sport.

I enjoy sleeping out

on the screen porch

every once in a while.

Oh, yeah, because dad can't hear

what time you come in.

No, because

I'm such an altruist.

He likes to hide

what time he comes in.

I'd like to change the subject.

Um...I'd like to propose a toast

to Abby Bradford

and her new book.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, alright.

I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

[instrumental music]

Did you have to rub it in

like that?

Who's rubbing it in?

I think

Abby did a wonderful thing.

We should hire a band

and throw her a bash.

Oh, that's great.

That's really what dad needs.

This has nothing to do with dad.

This has everything

to do with dad, Mary.

He has dreamed about

selling his book for years.

He's written

a dozen versions of it

he's gone without sleep,

without vacations.

Well, he has struggled for this.

Abby, hasn't exactly been

lolling around

in a hammock eating bonbons.

I know, but she didn't even try

to write a book

and then she sells one.

I mean, it's just..

It's not fair. That's all.

Who said it was supposed to be?

If you were dad,

wouldn't you feel cheated?

- Is Abby here?

- No.

I think she's upstairs,

Nicholas, why?

- Uh, there's a Mr. Ellis here.

- Ellis?

That's what says

on the card he gave me.

Boy, I sure wish I had a card.

It makes you feel cheap when you

don't have one to give back.

This guy is from

Abby's publisher.

I know, I can read.

I'll get Abby--

No, no, no, Nicholas.

Uh, listen, I'll get her, okay?

I'm going upstairs anyway.

Wait a second, Joannie,

we're not done.

Yeah, I'll be right back.

Well, don't just stand there,

dry something.

I am dry.

Nicholas, it's fun to help.

No, it isn't.

You think it would work.

You'll love it, Mr. Ellis.

I know you will.

Dad is really a genius.

I'm sure he is, Ms. Bradford,

but I'm not really interested

in any new projects

at the moment.

Oh, but you can't let

this one go by, Mr. Ellis.

I mean, there are lots of

publishers interested in this

and, uh, think of the publicity

when you publish Abby's book..

'...and dad's book.'

What's it about?

'Oh, it is a wonderful novel,

Mr. Ellis.'

To me, it has a brilliant blend

of Tolstoy and Norman Mailer.

It would take some brilliance.

And the setting?

At the Korean w*r.

I'm sorry, Ms. Bradford, but we

couldn't possibly consider it.

How can you possibly say that

without even reading it?

(Ellis)

'Every definitive novel

of the Korean w*r'

'was written years ago.'

(Joannie)

'Oh.'

(Ellis)

'There's just no market

for anything so tired'

so out of date.

Well, I..

But this is really good.

Perhaps, but it's not

something we or most likely

anyone else

would want to publish.

[dramatic music]

- 'Elizabeth?'

- 'Hm?'

(Nancy)

Would you bring me a cup of

coffee as long as you're up?

- Who's up?

- I thought you were getting up.

No, no,

that was just a muscle spasm.

Well, at least

your muscles can still spasm.

I spent the whole night dreaming

I was running laps.

And each time

I'd reach number

this ogre would say,

"It was only ."

Did this ogre look like Merle?

No, he had big green tusks

and, uh, kind expression.

As long as you're up, Mary--

Would you get us

a cup of coffee?

Coffee? Who's drinking coffee?

- We will, if you bring us some.

- No way.

It's not on your training diet.

- What?

- What you got?

What training diet?

Since you're the medical expert,

I'm putting you in charge, Mary.

All you've got to do

is follow the menu.

It was developed by the

team doctor for the Cyclones.

Merle, there are more calories

in this first breakfast

than I eat all week.

Calories?

You want us to eat calories?

And vitamins and minerals.

I wanna get all you Marauders

in the best possible shape

for the big game.

Just hold on, I have worked hard

to get in my present shape

and I'm not gonna

ruin it with calories.

Right, Merle, we're not gonna

eat like baseball players.

You'll be sorry

when you poop out in practice.

There's another way to prevent

that, medically speaking.

What?

Don't practice.

Are you kidding,

that's sacrilege.

I'd expect you all

in the gym at :.

'Now...take the vitamins.'

[doorbell rings]

Oh, good morning,

Mrs. Andrews.

- Good morning, Mr. Bradford.

- Come in, come in.

Thank you.

Well, this must be

the big brother

that Jackson is always

priding about?

That's right, you haven't met.

Mr. Bradford,

this is my son, Darren.

Darren,

this is Nicholas' father.

Oh, how do you do, Darren?

Uh, just fine,

Mr. Bradford.

- How are you?

- Good, real good.

- Here, let me take that.

- Don't forget now.

Jackson and I will be

expecting you right at :.

Got it.

Don't stop to sh**t baskets

and forget about us.

Right,

"And drive carefully, son."

Now, you've got it.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[chuckles]

You have two fine boys,

Mrs. Andrews.

You must be very proud.

Well, thank you, Mr. Bradford.

I consider that a compliment

from an expert.

I'm going to enjoy your family.

Oh, we're just so happy

that you can be here with us.

[chuckles]

Well, I'm just proud

I'm able to help Mrs. Bradford

to get her book done.

Ah, there's nothing greater

than a book.

A book can go on

long after our own lives

are totally forgotten.

I know.

- How I envy you.

- Envy me?

Well, yes.

You're married to an author.

How wonderful you must feel.

You wouldn't believe

just how wonderful.

I've been looking for ya.

- Here I am.

- Isn't it great?

Now you can come over

to my house every day and play.

Yeah? Well,

don't count on being fun.

Why not?

When my mom bosses a place,

she really bosses you.

She does?

'Yeah, she doesn't let people

get away with anything.'

Not your parents,

not your sisters

not Tommy or anyone.

I didn't know that.

Well, just keep your eyes open.

She's gonna shape you

Bradford's up.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[telephone rings]

Working hard, I see?

Oh! Morning, Elliott.

Well, aren't you going

to tell me, Tom?

Tell you what?

Come on now.

Don't be so coy.

- It's wonderful news.

- What is?

About Abby,

about her writing a book.

Oh, you were going to slip it

into the conversation

modestly, right?

So as you could top me whenever

I brag about Randy three.

Yeah, something like that.

Well, you have forgotten

how eager the book boys can be

about publicity.

I received a visit this morning

from a man named Mr. Ellis.

He brought me a press release

and he's put a great deal

of pressure on us

to do a feature story

on Sacramento's newest author.

Oh, really?

Ho-ho, we might have to change

your byline

to Mr. Abby Bradford.

[laughs]

Why don't we make it

Mr. Doctor Abby Bradford.

She'll be getting her PhD.

That's right.

I forgot about that.

Ho-ho, makes us look

like pikers, doesn't it?

I guess.

Well, we'll just have to

write books ourselves.

After all wives do it.

Shouldn't be that hard.

It's hard, Elliott.

I suppose it's harder

than writing an editorial

or a column.

Not today. Today,

column writing is impossible.

Don't tell me

we're having another one

of your little writer's blocks.

Not little.

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't you write about

being married

to a famous author?

I've considered that.

There are no laughs.

Elizabeth, you gotta arch a ball

when you sh**t it.

Aw, come on, please,

bend you knees, Mary

bend your knees.

You're sh**ting off the palm

of your hands.

sh**t off your fingers--

- Hi, guys.

- Hi, Nance.

- Hi, Nance.

- Hey, Merle.

- You're late.

- I'm sorry.

I had to fit my lunch hour

around my bosses.

Well, that's great.

We only have the court

for another minutes.

Ooh! Uh..

I can't stay that long, Merle.

I-I have a lecture.

Yeah, and I have a tennis date

with Jack.

You'd be better off

forgetting the tennis

and concentrate on basketball.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well

what I'm concentrating on

is Jack.

I don't understand this team.

Now, what's keeping Janet?

What's keeping Joannie?

Look, m-maybe Janet

had an important case.

Uh, maybe Joannie's covering

a big story.

Lookit, Merle,

I know that they're not

as important to you

as basketball

but those are their jobs.

I just don't want you

making fools of yourselves

on game night.

Hey, Merle..

...it's no big deal.

Tell that to Bingo's team.

Oh-ho-ho, your old rival Bingo

is coaching the Cyclone Wives?

Yeah.

And he's got 'em practicing

four hours a day.

I think we should do the same.

- Impossible.

- Ridiculous.

Oh, come on, if I can

give my time to coaching

you can make the time

to be here.

- You're wrong about 'em.

- 'What?'

Look, uh, let's face it.

You're just too much

of a gung-ho jock

for those cruel klutzes.

You expect too much

and you take it too seriously.

Remember, this is for charity.

So, don't tell me

you're gonna quit on me.

No, Merle, we're, we're not

gonna quit. We'll play.

But we're going

to coach ourselves.

That's crazy.

It may be crazy, Merle

but at least it won't be

the Marine Corps.

Look, we love you, Merle

and we don't wanna wind up

hating each other.

Right, team?

Right, Merle.

Look, we just wanna be friends.

We're f*ring you as coach

but we're hiring you back

as brother-in-law.

(Susan)

'Merle, they can't

do that to you.'

Yeah, hold on, honey. They

had a point. It's my business.

I'm used to tough coaching,

but...they're girls.

Oh, now wait a minute,

that's no excuse.

When I was on

the gymnastics team

we trained as hard

as the football players did.

Yeah, but you wanted to.

Your sisters don't.

Oh, boy. I just wish I could

get out there and suit up.

I'd show them that

you're right and they're wrong.

Forget it, honey.

It's not worth

splitting the family over.

Any family that fires my husband

deserves to be split.

[chuckling]

Take it easy.

You'll upset the baby.

Hey, I've got news for you.

This baby's kickin' harder

about this than I am.

- You hungry?

- Yeah.

Me too.

We'll ask my ma

if we can have something.

Okay.

- She might say no.

- Really?

- Yes, so I'll ask her.

- Good idea.

[typewriter clacking]

Hi, mom.

Hi, Jackson, hi, Nicholas.

How was school?

- School was okay.

- Yeah.

- Little long after lunch.

- Yeah.

- Mom, we're hungry.

- What else is new?

Could we have something

from the refrigerator?

Well, what's the rule

on that, Nicholas?

Huh?

I should ask Abby about it

but I hate to disturb her

when she's working so hard.

What about it, Nicholas?

What about what?

Is it alright for you

to have a snack?

Why are you asking him?

It's his house, Jackson.

But you're the boss of it.

Whatever gave you that idea?

I work for Mrs. Bradford.

No!

It's true, Jackson.

You mean, Nicholas' mom

can tell you what to do?

Of course.

[instrumental music]

Come on, Jackson.

Let's go play.

I don't wanna play.

I don't even wanna stay here.

[clamoring]

You're not being fair,

Susan.

Hold it! Hold it!

- One at a time, please.

- Right, me first.

No, dad, we gotta

find Jackson first.

You and dad can look for Jackson

while the rest of this family

is apologizing to Merle.

Susan, we did that

when we fired him.

Yeah, so we're even.

[clamoring]

Quiet, please!

I said to hold it.

Now, what is this

about Jackson?

Where is Mrs. Andrews?

She's out looking for him.

Dad, we've gotta help.

I don't understand

any of this.

I mean, what is going on?

Where-where-where is Abby?

She's upstairs, dad.

- But you can't disturb her.

- Who says?

Abby even has a secretary now

so, why do I get stuck

when things fall apart?

[typewriter clacking]

- Abby?

- What is it, Tom?

There's no one

minding the store.

Tom, I don't have time

for riddles.

All I ask is that

you help out a little.

Could this just wait?

I'm right in the middle

of a thought.

Well, this family is

in the middle of chaos.

Abby...it's not working.

What is not working?

This book.

It's disrupting our lives.

Yours maybe, but not mine.

Alright, mine!

It's disrupting mine.

Tom, I'm sorry

you can't handle it

but would you

just leave me alone?

Because I have a deadline.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Tom)

I never thought that Abby and I

would get involved

in a triangle.

Is it really a triangle, dad?

Sure, it is.

I'm competing with that book.

Isn't there another angle

in the geometry?

- What about your book?

- What book?

Come on, dad.

By the time Joannie had sworn us

all to secrecy

everybody knew about it

except for Abby.

Oh, wonderful.

The novel is over.

Obviously I was just

fooling myself.

- I don't think it is over.

- Oh, yeah.

It's out of the bottom drawer

and back down in the basement.

I think you resent the fact that

Abby made it instead of you.

No, I don't resent it.

I mean, look, how would you feel

if all of a sudden

Janet became the biggest

contractor in Sacramento

and you were going bankrupt?

No, thanks.

We have enough trouble

handling our careers as it is.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

It wasn't easy for me

to let Abby leave the house

and go back to school.

Your mother never would have

done that.

No, her family

definitely came first.

And her husband.

That's true, her husband.

Well, face it, dad,

Abby has her own way of going

and you've encouraged it.

Yeah, sure I have,

but I didn't think

it would lead to this.

You make it sound like

you and Abby are competing

in some kind of contest,

and you think you lost.

That's right.

That is how I feel.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, hi, Mrs. Andrews.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Did you find Jackson?

Yes, Nicholas.

Darren found him.

Great. He's okay.

As good as can be expected.

- Well, is he coming over?

- I don't think so, Nicholas.

Why? Doesn't he like us?

It's not you, Nicholas.

We'll talk about it.

I'd like to see Abby.

She and Joannie are upstairs

but they said

not to disturb 'em.

- How about your father?

- 'He went out.'

Well, in that case

I'll just keep myself busy

till Abby's free.

Can I ask you a question?

Of course.

Well...are you the boss

or do you just work here?

Abby and I have a business

arrangement, Nicholas.

It helps me,

and I do my best to help her.

- Do you understand?

- Sort of.

Well, sort of is a lot better

than Jackson understands it.

Oh.

And Channing rejected

Tom's manuscript?

I know, I shouldn't have

shown it to him, Abby

but...I believed in it

so much

I thought it was going to make

everything perfect

for you and dad.

- And Tom knows?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, I can see

why he's so upset.

Oh, I knew you'd understand.

There's nothing I can do

about it.

- Abby!

- Tom's book is Tom's book.

My book is my book

and they don't have anything

to do with each other--

No, no, they have everything

to do with each other

as long as it's driving

you two apart.

Tom's ego is driving us apart.

Well, then do something

about it.

What? Give up the contract?

Give up my chance to help change

the educational system

just so Tom won't feel

threatened?

No, I'm not suggesting that.

Just, just consider

dad's feelings, that's all.

I have considered his feelings,

and I think they're destructive.

Joannie, are women always

supposed to-to hold back

so that the proud male

can-can keep centre stage?

Abby, you know that

I don't want that either.

Well, then be patient.

You're father adjusted

to my going back to school

and he'll adjust to this.

[sighs]

This is totally different.

How is it different?

[sighs]

Well, how would you feel

if-if dad was suddenly granted

a PhD in education

and yours was turned down?

I don't know

what Abby's gonna do.

I think she's got as much

ego involved in this as dad.

Why not?

Nobody's medically proven

that the ego is

exclusively male.

I know, but is that what

equality is all about?

Equal egos?

Well, maybe David

can help your father.

- David?

- 'That's right.'

He's planning to spend

the whole day with your father.

(Elizabeth)

'But David?'

That's like sending Muhammad Ali

to explain humility

to Howard Cosell.

I'd really hate

to lose you, Lillian.

And I'd hate to have Jackson

lose Nicholas as a friend.

I guess it's my fault.

Your fault? Why?

I wanted both my sons

to be proud, Abby.

I always told them

that we are strong people.

That they weren't meant

to follow

that they were meant to lead.

From what I've seen of Jackson,

that's true.

It's not true yet.

I guess I wanted so much

to spare him

from the harder parts of living

that I...taught him

too much pride.

If any consolation

there's a lot of that

going around these days.

You know, you're a great

sounding board, David.

- Thanks, dad.

- No, really.

You have no idea

how gratifying it is

to have somebody

to talk to like this.

You did the same for me

for a lot of years.

You were there

when I needed you.

You listened.

Yeah, but right now,

I need more than listening.

What do you mean?

Uh, I need advice.

[chuckling]

You want advice from me?

You're gonna get thrown out

of the father's union.

Oh, no, I know it's a drastic

reversal of form

in our relationship, but..

Well, you-you have

the experience and I haven't.

With what?

With all this fuzziness.

- Fuzziness?

- Yeah.

In my day, when men were men

and women were women

you knew exactly

where you stood.

- Wasn't that boring?

- 'No.'

On the contrary,

it was rather reassuring.

There was no competition

between the sexes.

If you saw somebody in jeans,

you felt safe swearing

or if you saw somebody

with long hair

you felt safe saying ma'am.

Dinner was at

o'clock, sharp.

And they did the dishes.

Dad, let's forget about golf

and go find a time machine, huh?

No, no,

I'm-I'm serious, son.

I mean, how do you

and Janet do it?

I know you almost lost

each other once

over your two careers,

but now you seem

very happy with each other.

- We are.

- Well, how do you do it?

Well, I guess

it started happening

when I-I remembered

what questions to ask.

- About what?

- About everything.

If there's a problem

with Janet's work

or-or, uh, something goes wrong

with the apartment

I ask myself,

"Now what's more important?

Me or us?"

When the answer's me,

there is no us.

So the answer can't be me.

- Thanks, son.

- Don't mention it, dad.

That's what I'm here for.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Elizabeth

you throw it to Janet,

then she'll throw it to me

and I'll sh**t.

No, you'll miss.

I'll throw it to you,

and you throw it to Janet.

Janet, this time

don't dribble double, okay?

- It's double dribble.

- Well, whatever.

- Just don't do it.

- Hold it.

This is a basketball team,

not a debating society.

Ugh! It's not a basketball team.

We are five coaches

who can't decide on anything.

You guys, maybe we should

ask Merle to come back.

That would be crawling.

(Nancy)

'Well, maybe we should

just forfeit the game.'

(Joannie)

'That'd be chicken.'

(Mary)

'Look, if-if we don't

shape up pretty quick'

we're gonna look

awfully ridiculous.

- 'Girls.'

- Oh, hi, Lilly. What's up?

Mind if I make

a little suggestion?

Abby.

Dad, she went out.

Aw, shucks, I should have

called from the club.

Did she say where

she was going?

Something about a meeting.

Did she say where?

- Nope.

- Did she leave a number?

Unh-unh. Boy, you really

want to see her.

I sure do.

Will she be back soon?

Why wouldn't she?

- Good point here.

- Thank you.

But I'm afraid it isn't

expressed very clearly.

I'm sorry?

You know, I hate to say this

but you seem to bury

your most exciting ideas

beneath the jargon

of academia.

Really?

It almost seems as if

this were your thesis.

I didn't intend that.

Well, it's easy

to get conditioned

to impressing

your fellow professors.

Frankly, we'd rather impress

the book-buying public.

So, what happens now?

Don't get depressed.

It's for occasions like this

they invented re-writes.

Speaking of words, that one

sounds pretty terrifying.

Abby, please,

this is not rejection.

Well, compared to

the cheers I was expecting

it's pretty close.

Joannie!

[grunts]

[giggles]

Oh, shucks.

[all scream]

- Alright!

- Jackson, did you see that?

- Swish!

- Yeah.

How was it, coach?

Well, you're getting

the hang of it.

- Thanks, thanks.

- It's alright.

But I don't think

we'll be taking on the Lakers

for a week or so.

The Lakers? Now there's

a basketball team.

Yeah, and so are we.

- Yeah, you got it.

- Right.

But you'll be

a lot closer to one

once I show you how

you should line up

for your free throws.

Yeah, I'll line up

for anything that's free.

- Damn, they need some help.

- 'Stand right over here.'

Yeah, and if you help him,

can I help you?

Yeah, if Darren says it's okay.

- Well, he's the coach.

- Right.

Your sisters are kinda

working for him.

Well, I guess.

If you want to

put it that way.

Well, that's how it is.

Is it that big a deal?

(Joannie)

'How was it, coach?'

Not really.

I'm glad you came back.

Me too.

I want you

to come down the middle.

I want you two

to be on the outside.

- Tom.

- Abby.

I've been lookin' for you.

I've been looking for you.

I wanted to apologize.

No. I want to apologize.

[sighs]

I guess I was pretty

insufferable.

Well, I know that

I was very childish.

I didn't know you were

writing your book again.

What difference does it make?

One famous author

in the family is enough.

I'm not a famous author.

But you will be,

and I can accept that.

No, I have a problem.

- I can't write.

- Who says that?

- Channing Ellis.

- What does he know?

He rejected my novel.

[sighs]

No, Tom, it's true.

He says I don't know

how to write for the public.

And I have to admit,

he seems pretty convincing.

So?

So, I was thinking

while I was driving home

you could help me.

Me?

'You're the professional

writer.'

We could do the book together.

My material and your words.

Oh, but you saw the way

I acted around here.

What do I know

about modern sex roles?

I think you're becoming

an expert.

Tom, I really need you.

Of course that means

that, um

we'd have to spend

a lot more time together.

Going through my research,

discussing, editing..

Now wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

Are you suggesting..

..collaboration?

On anything you have in mind.

- Do I get a byline?

- And fringe benefits.

Ah, success.

I love it.

- Oh, Joannie, you were great.

- Hi, dad.

- Oh, dad, my sh..

- Sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.

But you were great.

Really, I was so proud.

Nicholas, take good care of her.

She did a wonderful job.

- Here's some nourishment.

- Aw, Mary.

You were fine, just fine.

Thanks, dad.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, Janet,

I was proud.

- Chair?

- Yes, of course.

- Right over there.

- Mm.

Elizabeth, you gave it

all you had.

I know, but will I

ever get it back?

Well, yes, yes, yes.

You'll recover.

Aw, here she is.

Nancy.

[all cheering]

(Joannie)

'Good job, alright.'

- That was some basket.

- It was great.

It was way past great.

It was unreal.

Well, thanks, guys.

I just wish I'd seen it.

It was like this.

You were feet down

the court, okay?

Three seconds left

in the game--

Two seconds, alright.

- Two seconds.

- Uh-huh.

You get the ball.

You start dazzling

with your dribble.

You come around like this.

You come back around

you close your eyes

and you sh**t.

And it goes swish,

right through the basket.

A few more sh*ts like that,

and you can try out

for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Well, I wouldn't go

quite that far, Jackson.

But it was a terrific sh*t.

Classic.

Unforgettable.

Too bad it was

the only basket we made.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]