06x01 - Learning the Ropes

[bunniefuu]

Well, here she is.

Kikiwaka Ranch.

Our new camp
in the Wild Wild West.

What a historic moment.

I'd take a picture,

but I already dropped my phone
down that well.

Genius idea, buying a working
ranch and turning it into a camp.

I agree. I mean, sure
it's a little rundown,

but it's much better than that
place you wrote to me about

called k*ller Pigeon Ridge.

k*ller Pigeon Ridge?

What a dumb name.

What's this town called?

Dusty Tush, Wyoming.

Oh, yeah.
That's definitely worse.

I can't wait for all the new
campers to get here in a week.

They'll get to do all
the usual fun camp things

and learn how to ranch
from this here farm girl.

I can't wait to start my first
summer as a camp counselor.

I just wish all of our friends were going
to be here to see how good I am at it.

I mean, how much I miss them.

Yes, but Finn, Ava and Matteo are
holding down the fort back at Camp Kikiwaka

Literally. That fort we built
on the great lawn,

it keeps blowing away.

So, Noah, are you excited
to meet new campers?

You're darn tooting.

Nope, not going to start that.
Tried it on, doesn't fit.

I can't wait to start my job
as activities director.

Get ready for this summer to be a
nonstop crazy [IN SING-SONG VOICE] party.

[MIMICKING MUSIC]

Full of safe
and educational fun, boss.

And on that note. Let's all
raise a glass of sarsaparilla

and toast
to the best summer ever.

To Kikiwaka Ranch.

ALL: Kikiwaka Ranch

[ROOSTER CLUCKING]

Can I get a drum roll, please?

[TAPPING]

[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Ta-da!

[CREAKS]

[THUDS]

But at least
no k*ller pigeons.

You're darn tooting.

Nope. Should have let it go
the first time.

THEME MUSIC PLAYING...

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Finally here,
the first day at camp.

Hey, does it feel great
to have two?

Moose Farm. Now Dusty Tush.

One day you'll own a Kikiwaka

in every stupidly named town

in the country.

Sure, sure.

I definitely own this camp.

Hey, hey, look. A redhead.

We don't get many of those
recessive genes.

Why are you being weird?

You do own this camp, right?

Of course. The owner and I

just have to go over
one tiny little detail.

Which is
I still have to buy it

and he still has to give it
to me.

Wait, so you don't
own this camp?

Lou, if I'm the more
responsible one here,

we are in big trouble.

Look, the owner and I

have been emailing
back and forth,

and he said it's basically
a done deal.

Plus, he loves me.

He LOL'd at all my jokes.

Well, now we know
this man is a liar.

He's coming by today,

and then it will be official,

because what's
the other option?

Telling all the kids
to go home

and giving their parents
their money back,

then returning to Maine
in disgrace?

[FORCED LAUGHTER]

Are our campers here yet?

Yeah. I can't wait
to make my new boys

best friends with each other.

Just like I did
with Finn and Matteo.

Weren't they best friends
before you got there?

Girl, please. Was there
even a camp before me?

So, Lou, who are my
new Mustangs?

I'm ready to teach them
everything I know.

Arts and crafts,
nurturing the environment.

And on the last day of camp,
we'll definitely promise

to write handwritten letters,
not e-mails, in glitter pen.

Well, you actually
only have one camper.

We're a new business. And the
feral chicken scared off a lot of kids.

But according to what
I have written down here,

Winnie is just the angel
you described.

[CHUCKLES]

WINNIE: Ah![THUDS]

Whoa!

That was way higher
than I thought.

Anyway, I'm Winnie.
Two questions.

Who's my counselor

and where's your tallest
skate ramp?

You got me.

There is nothing written
on this clipboard. [CHUCKLES]

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING]

Hey, man. Are you Bill?

That's right. Bill Pickey,

named after my great great
grandfather, Legendary cowboy.

And I'm Jake.

Named after my mom's
favorite pet psychic.

Funny story.

He told us Mittens
was jealous of me.

So now I have to bring her
dead birds.

You city folk have
sad, funny stories.

Right?

Anyway, my mom sent me to this camp
because I play too many video games,

which is cool because I could
totally use a break from technology.

Unless you got a phone.
Does your phone have games?

Come on, man.

Nope, No phone, just
practicing for this summer.

I'll be spending my days
whipping this ranch into shape.

The chickens have been
on their own for too long.

I think I saw them
taking prisoners.

Oh, I kind of thought
we'd be spending the summer

having fun together
and becoming best friends.

Well, cowboy's work
is never done.

Hey, coyotes.

I'm Noah. Yes, that Noah.

Ready to spend the summer having
fun together and becoming best friends?

This guy gets it.

You guys go ahead.

I've got to meet
the livestock.

The chicken need an alpha
and it's going to be this guy.

But I thought we could all
head down to the lake

and maybe do
a fun trust exercise

where you make me feel
better about something

that happened in middle school
that I still cringe about.

Sorry, guys.
The dogies are waiting.

What's a dogie?

What's a coyote?

Wait, seriously?

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING]

Let's see. Fireworks,
gas mask,

blowtorch, t*nk of propane.

Toothbrush?

How'd that get in there?

So Winnie, [INHALES]
Winnie, Winnie, Winnie.

Why don't you tell me
a little more about yourself?

Sure, I'm Wild Winona Weber.

You've never
heard of me?

Um...

The school bus bandit?

The pillow fight
princess of Portland.

Man, I've got to get a PR guy.

I'm sensing you're
a bit of a daredevil.

[LAUGHS]

Absolutely not.

I'm a lot of a daredevil.

After all, I've only got one
lifetime to do something legendary.

But don't worry.
I totally know what I'm...

[LOUD GUSH]

Ooh! Sorry. That baby
is on a hair trigger.

Anyway. What was I saying?

[STAMMERING] Uh...

You were telling me what
you're most excited to do at camp.

Please say fireside gossip.

That's a hard one.

I think it's either witnessing
a real stampede

or using these propulsion fireworks
I invented to try Jack canoeing.

Either way,
challenge accepted.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING]

Howdy. You must be the soon
to be owner of my beloved ranch.

And you must be Marshal.

The Marshal.

Because you're US Marshal?

No, 'cause my name is Marshal.

And the 'the' because?

I'm fancy.

Okay. Glad we went
on that circular drive.

Nice to meet you.

Well, nice to meet you.

You know, I grew up
on this ranch,

and I really wanted it
to go to someone special.

Which is why I'm so glad I got
that email from you and Rusty.

Right? [CHUCKLES]
Holy, who?

I thought to myself, Nancy and
Rusty Delmore are real ranchers

that know the value
of keeping this place a ranch.

Can you believe

another lady wanted to turn it
into a summer camp?

[LAUGHS][FORCED LAUGHTER]

Oh, I am sure she meant well.

I mean, who would want to fill this
piece of history with disrespectful kids?

[SCOFFS] Too true. Kids are
the worst and not our future at all.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, if you love this place so
much, why are you selling it?

Well, I don't rightly have
time to take care of it anymore.

But I do have some
real fond memories.

Learning to ranch here
as a little tyke

In fact, I would love to give you
and Rusty a tour for old time's sake.

Oh. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I wish we could. But Rusty, he is just
so busy ranching his little rusty butt off.

So, how about just give
the deed to Miss Nancy?

[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Now. Now.

I insist on meeting Rusty.

The way you described him.

Ten gallon hat,

handlebar mustache,

and obsessed
with jort overalls,

I got to meet this character.
[CHUCKLES]

[MOCK LAUGH] So do I.

I will be back in an hour.

See you both then.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Okay.

In jorts.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, there, fellow Mustang.

Guess who finished
decorating her cabin T-shirt?

Wow, that looks like
a sparkler factory expl*si*n.

Don't ask how I know that.

Let's see your cabin T-shirt.

Actually, I made a Para-shirt.
Like a parachute.

But, huh, well,
you get the idea.

Please tell me you're not
planning to jump off a cliff with that.

No, no. Don't be silly.

Not if you have a helicopter.

But is a cliff's all you got,
challenge accepted.

No. Challenge never offered.

[EXHALES]

Maybe you should just decorate
a cabin T-shirt like everyone else.

Uh, you could even use the glue
g*n to put some cute beads on it.

[OBJECTS CLATTER]

Sure I could, if I hadn't taken
it apart to see how it worked.

[CREAKS, THUDS]

I also now know
how the table works.

Why don't we go find
an outdoor activity?

Challenge also accepted.

Okay, but let's leave
the Para-shirt.

Check out the coyote I drew.

[MIMICS HOWLING]

You're still not getting the coyote
concept, but I appreciate the energy.

Bill. There you are. Come,
bond with your coyote brothers.

Or with me and whatever
animal Jake thinks he is.

Sorry. No can do.

Just came in
for a quick glass of water

before I go back
to helping the chores.

Do you work here?

Well, Lou just sent me away and
said, "Go have fun. You don't work here."

But maybe that's because she
doesn't know I'm the Chicken King yet.

[SOFTLY] They made me
their God.

Come on, do arts
and crafts with us.

It turns out it's even more
fun than video games.

Unless someone
has a video game.

Does someone
have a video game?

Seriously, guys, I'm fine with just
doing my own thing this summer,

and you'd be fine
with the distance too.

If you know how many beans
cowboys ate.

Sorry in advance
for my sleep toots.

[EXHALES] Ah!

That was for
the dirty paint brushes.

Yep. Tasted a little purple.

I don't get it.

What kind of kid doesn't
wanna have fun at camp?

Or fart
in front of his friends?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Winnie, why do you
have a cow?

We're supposed to be going
on a nature hike.

Now we don't have to go
on a boring hike.

I discovered some
beautiful nature right here.

Quick, I'll hop on its back.

You make it angry.

Hey, what are you doing
with Shaquille O'Veal?

She shouldn't be out about.
She has a cold.

Really? How can you tell?

[MOOS][SPLASH]

[SOFTLY] Bless you.

A lesson to both of you.

Never point a cow with a
cold directly at a person.

[PANTING] It got in my mouth.

I'll go get the Para-shirt
to clean you off with, D.

I'll be right back.

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

Well, today's been a disaster.

Destiny, I'd give you a hug,
but... gross.

Winnie is a lot.

Definitely not the camper
I was expecting.

Oh, I really hope
I can do this.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, man, going somewhere?

No one will let me help
them with ranch work.

They say the first day
of camp is a play day.

So I'm sneaking out to the ranch
to check out the cattle for myself.

I'm playing chess.

Lou's playing checkers.

Ooh, can I come?

I won't tell anyone.

Oh, no offense, but you'll
probably just slow me down.

It's a long hike.

That's okay. If I get tired,
you can just carry me.

[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
Problem solver.

Hey, neighbors, mind if I
hang out here for a while?

I think my counselor's
had enough of me,

and I'm trying to stay
out of trouble.

Then this isn't
a good place to be.

We're going somewhere
you can't tell anyone about.

Might be dangerous.

Why'd you go and tell me that?

Now I have to do it.

Fine. You both can come.

But remember,
this is real cowboy work.

So don't get in my way

and do exactly
what I tell you.

Also, no bathroom breaks.

[BOTH GASP]

I said what I said.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. Remember,
your name is Rusty.

We're married,
we're ranchers.

And this is definitely
not a camp.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear
a word you said.

I've never shown this much
thigh before, and I gotta say,

[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
I'm pulling it off.

This is just until we
officially own the ranch.

Then the Marshal can't
kick us off this land

and you won't get
weird tan lines.

Ah! This must be Rusty.

Thanks for taking time
away from the cattle.

Well, you know what
they say about cattle.

[SCOFFS] Uh...

Which I mean, I don't
even have to say it.

We're all ranchers here.
We know what they say.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Oh. That's my husband,
Rusty for you.

He'd forget
his mustache,

if it weren't glued
to his face.

That's a joke.
It's a real mustache.

Can we get this deal done?

Well now,
hold your horses.

Rusty, Nancy said in her email

you got big plans
for more livestock.

Livestock?

Yes, well,

I was just thinking...
[CHUCKLES]

You can't really go wrong
with the more, uh,

uh, weirdos.

Uh...

Chickens. Chickens.

I'm mean chicken.
Right, dear?

Oh, yeah. All coop,
no campers is our motto.

Get out of here, randos.
You're trespassing.

Oh, my Gosh.

Chickens, huh?

Well, I like that.

Focusing on smaller livestock.

So you got more time to
practice with your jug band.

Jug band?

You gotta admit,
that's so us.

Anyway, you ready
for the tour?

Let's go.

I can't go far.
These jorts are riding up.

Deal with it, Rusty.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING]

So, what's going on with you
and your counselor?

Talk to me.

The doctor's in.

I think I might be getting
kicked out of my cabin.

I overheard my counselor say
she didn't know if she could do this,

and that I was a lot.

You're not a lot.

No, I definitely am.

Just ask the babysitters
I went through last year.

Bill, you want to
weigh in here?

I'm pretending I'm alone
and that you're cows.

Okay, dude,
I gotta ask.

Why are you so against
having friends?

I'm not against
having friends.

I've got a few horses
I send holiday cards to.

You know what I mean.

You've been avoiding
Noah and me all day.

I know and I'm sorry.

It's not like I don't want
to hang out with you guys,

but I can't lose focus.

You don't know how much pressure
there is being named after a famous cowboy.

I guess I don't.

I was named
after a chubby bear.

I come from a whole long line
of cowboys and rodeo stars.

I'm trying to be the
best cowboy I could be,

so I can make them proud.

And I just don't see how
horsing around with friends

and arts and crafts
is going to help me do that.

[EXHALES]

But everyone needs
a friend sometimes.

How do you know
we can't help you?

And don't you
want to have fun?

Like I said,
I can't lose focus.

Take your eye off the ball for one second

and that's when you get
into... [SHOUTING] trouble.

Ow!

[GROANS]

Bill, are you okay?

Sure. This rock broke my fall.

Hold on.

[BOTH YELL] Ah!

[THUMP]

Why did you do that?

So you wouldn't be alone.

And I'd just like to jump off
high things into low things.

But now who's going
to go for help?

[ALL YELLING] Help!

Hey, Mr. Rodeo Royalty.

Can't you do some fancy trick
to get us out of here.

I'm related to
a famous cowboy.

Not Dumbledore.

Aw.

That would've been so cool.

There you guys are.

Destiny.

Noah.

What were you guys thinking?

Running away on the first
day of camp is my move.

How did you even find us?

We followed the trail
of puka shells.

My necklace broke?

Man! Mercury is so
in retrograde.

See.

The chamber's collapsing.

Okay. Everyone stay calm.
I know what to do.

Just kidding.
I don't know what to do,

It just seemed like
the right thing to say.

We have to get out of here.

Challenge accepted.

I have an idea.

I supercharged this
fire extinguisher.

That compound with
my propulsion fireworks.

Might be enough
to blast the mine cart

through this barrier
and down the tunnel.

But to where?

I don't know.
Away from certain death.

This feels like
a big picture moment.

Get in and pray.

I really wish we knew
this girl better.

This is going to turn out
fine, right?

It's okay that this is happening.
What could go wrong?

You want a list?

You want
one of these helmets?

Uh, yeah. This is
the Para-shirt Girl.

I think so.

Hurry.

Okay.

Count to three.

BOYS: One...

[ALL SCREAMING]

Well, we had a good run.

It's been wonderful
counseling with you,

[BOTH VOCALIZING]

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for that demo.

You know, a jug band's almost
better without the jugs.

Well, I guess I can't put this
bittersweet moment off any longer.

What do you say
we make this official?

Oh, please, yes.
Come to Nancy.

It feels right leaving this
important place of my youth

in the hands of such
honest, upstanding folk.

Well, you won't regret it.

[ALL SCREAMING]

You might regret it.

[CHEERS]

Again, again!

I peed myself
and I don't care.

BOTH: What is going on here?

Oh, yay. The mineshaft
leads to camp.

[RUMBLING]

Well, the mine shaft
led to camp.

Nancy, Rusty,
what in tarnation is going...

Okay, I'm not Nancy.

I'm Lou. The woman who wanted
turned this place into a camp.

You're the no good
camping city slickers?

Knew this was a bad month
to learn what email was.

Yes, we're the
no good city slickers.

But please don't
kick us off this land.

Request denied.

This land should go to someone
who wants to keep it a ranch.

I want all of y'all
out of here by sunrise.

Or : a.m. if you wanna
sleep in, I'm not a monster.

Okay. And why is it
you love this land so much?

Well...

Pipe down, I'm monologuing.

It's because this is
where you learnt to ranch

when you were a kid. And now
a whole new generation of kids

has a chance to learn to ranch
here the same way you did.

And you could be a part
of making that happen.

Yeah, I want to learn how to
be the best cowboy I could be

at the Kikiwaka Ranch,

and maybe even make
some friends along the way.

And I want to learn to put
my bravery to good use.

Being legendary shouldn't mean
you're not allowed in a public library.

And I want to learn
how to do outside.

I got my hands full
this summer.

So The Marshal,
what do you say?

Well, I guess
if a new generation

wants to learn
the code of the West

and the ranching way of life,
they can do it someplace else.

Start packing, y'all,
the Dilmores are coming.

[ALL GROANING]

Sorry, guys.

[BELL TOLLS]Ooh! What the...

Oh!

It's my first text.

Maybe it's about my car's
extended warranty.

"Hey, The Marshal,
it's Nancy Dilmore.

"We never heard back from you
about buying that ranch,

"and we're anxious
to turn it into a...

"A yoga retreat."

Fine, the ranch is yours,
but I better never catch

any of them downward
facing dogs around here.

Okay. Twist. Looks like
Kikiwaka Ranch is here to stay.

[ALL CHEERING]

Quite the coincidence that The Marshal
would get that text at the perfect time.

No, it's not a
coincidence at all. I sent it.

Yeah, I know.

Thanks, partner.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna go figure out why our kids

were in a rocket.

[CLANGING]

Campfire. First one
of the summer.

Hey, thanks for coming
to our little soiree.

And I see you
don't like that word.

Well, I did say I would
keep an eye on you.

And I have to admit,
for city slickers,

these burgers
are mighty tasty.

Thanks. They're vegan.

What!

Winnie, can I just ask,
why did you run off today?

Well, I figured you were gonna
kick me out of Mustang cabin anyway.

What? Why would you
think I'd do that?

I heard you say
I wasn't the camper

you were expecting.

You did?

I get it.

You weren't the camper
I was expecting.

You were better.

Really?

The camper I was expecting
couldn't have saved those boys today.

You were incredible.

I'm proud you're a Mustang.

No one else gets you.

I will fight them.

But then why did you say
earlier, "I hope I can do this."

[SIGHS]

Because it's my first time as a
counselor, and it's kind of scary.

I know I'm going to make
a lot of mistakes.

We both will.
But we'll learn together

because that's what
camp is all about.

Deal?

You got it.

But you're really gonna have
to keep an eye on me.

I'm a handful.

Challenge accepted.

Hey, guys, I, uh,
made these for you.

Are these what
I think they are?

They're friendship bracelets.

I whittled them myself.

No! I won't cry.

Not on the first night.

I just wanted to say,

maybe I was wrong
about not needing friends.

I definitely needed
them today.

Does this mean you're up
for a "whittle" fun this summer?

Please don't make me
regret it.

I'll take it. Can I get
a coyote howl?

[HOWLING][LAUGHING]

Don't worry, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

So, how does it feel to be
out in the Wild, Wild West?

Definitely wilder. But, at
least now I have this deed.

First task accomplished.

Wait, is... is that
a treasure map?

A treasure map!

There's treasure on my land?

Give me that deed back.

Rusty, a little help.

Bill! Get a lasso.

I'm coming.

[MUSIC PLAYING]