06x02 - Never a Dull Moo-ment

[bunniefuu]

Morning, counselors!
Quick, probably unpopular announcement.

Here on the ranch,
you won't just counsel campers,

- you'll also do ranch chores.
- ALL: Aw!

Oh, hush up or you're going
to the hoosegow!

Is that too much?

Just trying something.
Please continue.

Alex, you're on cow duty,
which means picking up cow doody. Classic.

Also, a herd of elk have
infiltrated the boat shed,

so we need someone
to scare 'em off.

Theo, you take that.
You're expendable.

I mean, good at stuff!

And Noah, as for you...

Lou, may I please be excused
from my ranch chores today?

Oh, sure. I'll just tell the goats
to hold their milk till tomorrow.

It's just I need to focus
on being a counselor.

I still haven't gotten through
to my new camper, Bill.

I thought you said
he'd started to open up.

He did, but now he's sneaking
off into the woods

during free hour and not telling me
where he's going.

He's keeping secrets
from me, Lou.

Do you think he's seeing
another counselor?

Noah, you are more than enough
for any camper.

Thanks, Lou. That was not a compliment.
You can go.

For my assignment, I want
a really challenging job

that allows me to prove
I can be an amazing,

dependable counselor.

I'll even notify Theo's
next of kin if you want.

I've done it before.

Blowing past that.

I have the perfect chore
for you.

Shaquille O'Veal
needs branding.

Uh...

Really?
You want me to brand a cow?

Well, you said you wanted
a more challenging job.

Are you up for it or not?

Um...

Of course I am!

Consider it done!

Well done.

As for the rest of you,
you're excused.

Not you, Parker.

I have the perfect job
for you.

Tonight, there's gonna be a
"Welcome to Dusty Tush" party

right here on the ranch.

Wow! The town's throwing us
a party tonight?

Well, technically,
we're throwing the party,

but we're welcoming them
to welcome us.

Isn't that kind of like
throwing your own

surprise birthday party?

No, I've done that before.
It's much worse.

Tonight is all about
celebrating the wonderful

newcomers, us,

and I'll be giving
an amazing speech

about how much we love
and appreciate the history

of this ranch.
That'll win over

those Dusty Tushians.

Tushers... Tushites...

What is my life now?

Well, count me in.

I can't wait
to roll up my sleeves

and start helping out with...

Hey, what am I doing exactly?

'Cause if I don't like it,
I don't wanna.

Your job, whether you like it
or not, is to go to the local museum

and learn all you can
about the history of this ranch

so I can put it in my speech.

Oh, and, um,

you'll be taking
Winnie with ya.

The kid with the suitcase
full of expl*sives? Why?

We have to
keep her occupied.

I overheard her earlier
saying she wants to

"ride a bird".

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Ooh, nice design, Sophie.

And amazing work, Aidan.

That fish and lure
is sure luring me in.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, it didn't work when I practiced
in the mirror, either.

Hey, Bill.
We missed you today.

Earlier, I asked if you
would come to my class,

you enthusiastically
said, "Yes!"

Aw, honest mistake.

I enthusiastically
said "Pass."

Oh. Wait!

What were you doing
in the woods during

your free hour anyway?

You know, cowboy stuff.

Ooh! Like what?

Stuff that cowboys do.

Okey doke, you don't wanna
talk about it,

we don't have to
talk about it.

Just kidding!
We have to talk about it.

Look, I know you have
this loner persona thing going on,

but, just let me know.

Were you up to
anything dangerous?

Nope.Good.

Because as a counsellor,
it's my job,

nay, my duty,

nay, my secret oath to protect you,
to keep you safe, so...

Ouchie!

Fishhooked the hand!

[GROANS]

Uh-oh!

I've lost all credibility.

"Rock or bison poop."

Well, that sounds like
a weird game.

Hmm. What do you get
if you win?

I'm guessing a rock.

And if you lose?

You heard the name
of the game, right?

Ooh, those
look dangerous.

- Come to Winnie!
- Don't touch that!

Marshal? What are
you doing here?

It's The Marshal, and I wear
a lot of hats in this town.

Including curating this museum,
making commemorative coins,

And this hat! Just for fun.

So, what brings you two
in today?

Lou asked us to get some details about
the town's history

for her "Welcome
to Dusty Tush" party tonight.

So, she's new in town,
but she's welcoming us?

No, she's welcoming the town
to welcome us to welcome...

You know, I don't know!
I just work there.

Well, if you're looking for info about
Dusty Tush,

you came to the right place.

That was like that
when I got here.

You okay, Destiny?

I'm super stressed.

Lou told me I have to brand

Shaquille O'Veal.

What's branding?

It's where you heat up
a piece of iron

with the ranch's logo on it.

Then you press it
on an animal and it sears the design

into their flesh.

Yikes!

Definitely not
"Rated T for teen."

I don't know what to do.

I wanna prove to Lou that
I'm a dependable counselor,

but not like this.

Wow. Being a counselor
sounds complicated.

Although being
a camper is, too.

I can't decide if I should go
to the lake, or take a nap.

Talk about stress.

I'll stop.

Hiya, Bill!

Holy horse buggy!

What were you doing
in the woods this time?

Come on.
Can't a camper leave the ranch

and spend hours alone

without a counselor
asking where he's been?

No!

Hey. How about
a game of horseshoes?

If I get closer
to the stake than you,

you have to tell me what you've been doing
in the woods.

Okay.
What if I get closer?

Um, you can tell me
to do something ridiculous,

and I'll do it.

It's like
Western truth or dare,

but I will not eat
a relish sandwich.

Boundaries.

Fine by me. Get ready
to look ridiculous.

Boy!

I was born ridiculous.

I'll work on my trash talk.

Yeah! That's
gonna be tough for you to b*at!

Wow! That was super easy
for you to b*at!

Oh. I forgot to mention.
I'm really good at this game.

Been known to win
even with the horseshoe

still attached to the horse.

Well, as a casting director
once said, after he heard me

use my Cockney accent,

"This was a mistake!"

Listen, you wanna back out?
It's all right by me.

No! I gave you my word,

and if a man doesn't have
his word, he has nothing.

Then I dare you to dunk your head
in the horse trough.

On second thought,
words aren't that important.

Fine. But when
I come back, we're going again.

[WATER SPLASHING]

I like this game.

This is boring!

I thought you said
we were going to play a game.

We are! We're playing who can
sit on their hands the longest

and you're winning!

There's a bunch of stuff
in these archives about the ranch.

First, there was a gold rush
encampment in ,

but, it turns out
there was no gold.

Then, it became an old-timey rest stop
that sold buffalo nuggs.

Ugh! What are nuggs?

It's unclear,
but hard pass.

Then, the land became
a ranch with, like,
different owners

until the Marshal's family
bought it decades ago.

Then he sold it to Lou.

Hmm, that's weird.

I wonder why it changed hands
so many times.

You history buffs
have any questions?

Mister, uh, The Marshal,

we're curious why the land
had so many owners

before your family bought it.

Oh, you had to ask,
didn't you?

I knew this day would come.

But, no time
to tell you now.

You kids should
hit the trail.

Wait a second.

There's something
you're not telling us.

Start talking
or I'll let Winnie loose

on your historical
muskrat salt shakers.

And I like to juggle.

Okay. The ranch is cursed!

BOTH: Cursed?

Truth is,
Dusty Tush Ranch is haunted.

And not just by
any ghost.

This ghost is the spirit of an angry Angus.
Called Old Abigail.

Wait. So it's the ghost
of a cow?

Is there also
a baby panda in the attic

rattling chains?

About years ago,
after the last wagon train headed out,

Abigail got left behind!

She never forgave humans
for separating her from her herd.

Ever since, she's haunted
the owner of the camp.

The owner of the camp?
That's Lou!

On a full moon,

you'll hear the distant clang
of a cow bell.

Then suddenly, all the milk
at the ranch will go bad!

Like, just the skim,
or the full fat too?

Somewhere, a cow will fall
to remind you Abigail is there.

And finally,
a bone-chilling "Moo!"

By then, it's too late.

The owner of the land
is done for.

Okay, so if the place
is cursed,

why wouldn't you warn Lou
before you sold it to her?

You think she would
still buy the property

if she knew it was haunted
by an unholy heifer?

Well, probably,
but she might have asked

for a ghost discount!

Oh, no.
It's a full moon tonight.

We've got to warn Lou.

I don't believe
a word of this.

There's no such thing
as a curse or a ghost cow.

That's exactly
what my brother said.

Now I'm an only child
and I have trouble sharing.

So, how do we save Lou?

There is only one way,

but it will require you
to be absolutely fearless.

Oh, I am. You saw me
playing with that antique

chainsaw earlier, right?

No! I didn't.

Yeah. You really
shouldn't let kids in here.

Okay, I'll tell you
how to defeat that curse.

That was like that
when I got here.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey! How's
the branding thing going?

He asks like a good friend.

I can't tell Lou
I don't wanna brand Miss O'Veal,

because then she'll think
I'm not a good counselor.

Ah! So you're gonna
have the cow brand herself!

Nope, that doesn't make sense.

I'm gonna show Lou
these brand designs

that are actually
subtle anti-branding messages.

When she sees them,
she'll realize branding

the cow is wrong,
and I'm off the hook.

This is a crying cow.
So sad.

This is me crying.
How awful!

This one just says,

"Lou, please don't make me brand this cow.
Love, Destiny."

I don't think this one would even fit
on Miss O'Veal's butt.

Ugh! This is never
going to work.

I'm doomed.

Actually, the cow is doomed.

But sure, let's make this
about you.

Okay, I finished
your last dare.

Come on, Noah.

Just quit.

I've already made you
jump in the lake with your shoes on.

You rolled around in mud.

You also made me run around
the mess hall with a bag on my head,

saying, "I'm Noah
with a bag on my head!"

"I'm Noah with a bag
on my head!"

Well, I won't quit.

I need to find out
what you're up to in the woods.

So, if it's
the last thing I do,

I will b*at a preteen
at a physical activity!

I did it! I got it around the stake,
I got a ringer!

Hey, hey... Oh!
There's hay everywhere.

Don't celebrate yet.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Man, I should have gone pro.

That's it! I quit!

I can't do any more
ridiculous things.

I guess I'll just have to live out my days
never knowing the truth.

My last thought as I lie
on my deathbed will be,

"What was Bill doing in the woods
during his free hour?"

Yup. It's been hard
for both of us.

Has it?

Okay. If an identifying mark
is all this cow needs,

maybe Lou will be happy
with this.

Please, tell me Lou
will be happy with this.

I think she'll totally
go for it!

Really? Not a chance.

LOU: Hey! Make sure
you rinse off those canoes.

Oh, no! Here comes Lou.

She's gonna see
you didn't brand the cow!

Sure. That's
a long-term solution.

Um, Destiny.

Why is there a tablecloth
over Miss O'Veal?

Usually, the tablecloth
goes under the beef.

Uh, she was cold.

She was shivering, like...

Moo, hoo, hoo!

So, how's the branding going?

Uh, going great, boss!

Everything is under control.

All will be revealed later.

Oh, yay! I haven't had a good cow-based
surprise in years.

That was some sweet .

The look on my face
when Connie the calf

jumped out of that cake...

Priceless.

Wow.

Have you thought about
writing a memoir?

I have, actually.

Then you should start on it
right away while the idea is

fresh in your head.
Have fun!

Bye!
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Okay, so that was close.

What are we going
to do about...

Where is Miss O'Veal?

Don't tell me she ran away!

Can you blame her?

[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
Things got awkward.

Okay. We're gonna do
what the Marshal

told us
to and break this curse.

But to be safe,
we should warn Lou anyway.

Winnie, the curse isn't real.

[BELL DINGING]

Did you hear that? It's Abigail clanging.
She's coming!

A cow bell on a ranch?
The stuff nightmares are made of!

You know, we could do
without the attitude, sir.

It's Lou!

Now, that's the kind
of enthusiasm I like.

How are you two doing
with the research for the party tonight?

- Well...
- Actually...

Oh, this milk is awful!
The fridge must be broken.

See? The milk's gone bad!

It's just a coincidence.
He also said a cow would fall

and I haven't
seen that happen.

[THUDS]

Okay, that just happened!

Oh, that was a portrait
of my childhood best friend.

And before you say it, yes,
most my friends

growing up were cows.

Lou, the ranch is cursed.

You have to cancel the party
and leave immediately.

You are going to a lot
of trouble to avoid doing research.

No, we did research,

and we found out there
was a ghost cow named Old Abigail,

who haunts the ranch
every full moon and seeks

vengeance on the owner!

We also picked up
an adorable mug,

But back to the headline,
you're doomed!

Trust me, I'm not
in any danger.

And I'm not leaving camp
or canceling the party tonight.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to prepare my speech.

[GULPS] Aw, dang it,
I forgot!

Still going to take it
with me, though.

Looks like we have
no other option.

Do what the Marshal
told us to do?

Yup.

I sure hope this plan saves Lou.
She's my only job reference.

And a good friend.

You okay?

Oh!

Look who suddenly cares
about what's going on with someone else!

Well, whatever you did
in there smells really bad.

Well, I swallowed some
trough water, and it's

warmed my insides, okay?

Well, you wouldn't have had
to stick your head in there

if you hadn't challenged me
to that game.

Well, you could've just
told me what you were doing

in the woods.

Well, why do you
wanna know so bad?

Well, because
I care about you!

Well, that's really touching!

Are we in a well-well? I can't stop!

Oh, wait. I think
we're good now.

But, seriously.
I didn't know you cared that much.

I thought you were
just being nosy.

[SIGHS] I really want you to have
a great camp experience.

And I thought if I got to
know you better, I could give you that.

I admit, I am hard
to get to know.

But it was nice spending
all that time together.

For me, too. Look,
I understand that
you're a private person.

So from now on,
I'll give you your space.

I'll wait until
you come to me.

Please come to me.

I'm gonna tell you something.

But you have to promise
never to bring it up again.

I promise. If I'm lying,
let me be cursed

that I have scene partners
who don't act with their eyes.

Trust me,
they're the stages of the face!

If you really wanna know,

when I was in the woods,
I was...

[SIGHS] Learning to tie
my shoes.

What? Don't make me say it again!

I've only ever wore
cowboy boots.

Now that I'm at camp,
I want to try out sneakers like

the rest of you greenhorns.

I just can't figure out
how to tie those wily suckers!

That's okay.

No, it's not.
It's embarrassing.

I'm almost a teenager.

I can get those "bunny ears, bunny ears"
to jump into the hole

but they won't pop out
the other side beautiful and bold!

Bill, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

This is something
I could help you with.

That's what
counselors are here for.

Counselors are there
to help you tie your shoes?

Maybe not specifically,
but we're here to help you
work through your problems.

Don't worry.
Together, we got this.

Thanks, Noah.

And seriously, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

Everybody's got something.
I still have all my baby teeth.

My thing is weirder
than your thing, isn't it?

Yup.

Welcome, everyone,
to our welcome party.

I know I feel welcome.

If you search
for Dusty Tush online,

first, turn your
safe search on.

And then you'll see
that Dusty Tush is so many things.

A welcoming community
full of history,

home to the largest frying pan
in Southern Wyoming.

The dictionary
defines "tush" as...

[COW MOOS]

Well, I've been booed,
but I have never been mooed.

PARKER: It's Abigail!
The cursed cow approaches.

WINNIE: Lou! Run!

Abigail, we're here!
Your herd is back!

You can stop
the curse, Abigail.

We are definitely cows,
and not people dressed up like cows.

[COW MOOING]

I put Parker in charge
of the problem child, I deserve this.

You're free now, Old Abigail!

Moo-ve toward the light.

[LAUGHING]

What a couple of fools!
You look ridiculous.

What are you
talking about?

Don't you hear Abigail
mooing in the distance?

She's here.
She came for Lou.

No, that was me mooing,
you silly city slickers!

The curse ain't real!

It's an old Dusty Tush
wives' tale,

Which they should really
change the name of,

'cause it's Darla's husband
spreading it around!

What's this now?

[CHUCKLES] It's a little prank
we like to play on newcomers,

and ooh boy,
you two fell for it hard.

Oh, wait. How would you know
the milk would go bad?

Oh, that fridge had a warranty
that ended last week.

And that cow picture
that fell off the wall?

Wait, a cow really fell?

Ha! I went out on a limb
with that one!

Love it when
things work out!

Wait, so why did you tell them
that fake scary story?

Oh, relax!

Who hasn't welcomed
new neighbors

by scaring the living
bedingles out of them

with a phony ghost cow?

Nobody does that.

Next time, just send
a gift basket.

[COW MOOS]

What was that?

[BELL CLANGING]

It's a ghost cow!
The curse is real!

Everyone,
run for your lives!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Well, that's one tush
that isn't dusty.

There you are!

And Lou too! Yay!

Parker. Winnie.
You're looking well.

You know, I realize we didn't go over
the do's and don'ts

of handling livestock,
but whatever this is

seems like
an obvious "don't".

I'm sorry. I just couldn't
do it. I couldn't brand Miss O'Veal!

I know, I asked for a difficult job.
But I'm not up to this.

I guess I'm not as dependable
as I thought.

Destiny, why are you
so upset?

This job seemed
right up your alley.

You are the perfect person
to come up with Miss O'Veal's

social media brand!

Her social media brand?

Yes! Obviously!

This girl's got what it takes
to be our camp's spokescow!

With her as our celebrity
influencer, there will be

a stampede of new campers.

See what I did there?
You can use that!

Okay. There was
a teensy misunderstanding.

When you said "brand",
I thought you meant...

[HISSES]

Moo! [SCREAMS]

You thought I wanted you
to brand her?

Oh, it does sound similar.
Whoopsie.

I love a good
French farce.

I know. I messed everything up
and ruined your party.

Eh, it was mainly
the Marshal.

But I'm not
gonna pretend this doesn't

please me immensely.

Hey! You guys should take
a photo with Miss O'Veal.

This will go viral
in, like, two minutes.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Now that's how
you brand a cow!

Spin the lasso, round and round.
Loop it through, then...

BOTH: Pull it down!

You did it!

Yeah, I did!
Thanks, Noah.

You're the best shoe-tying coach
I've ever had.

Of course, the other one
was Randall by the creek,

but still, best is best.

Thanks! Let's take those
bad boys for a spin!

That's right!
You're bad.

Actually, you kind of
look like a cat wearing socks.

This feels weird.

My arches are getting full support,
and I don't like it.

Well, at least now
you have options.

Yeah. But can we take
these cushy clouds off now?

I need to slip into
something more uncomfortable.

Man! Those tootsies
are hard to please!

[BELL CLANGING]

[MOOS]