06x04 - Wrecks Marks the Spot

[bunniefuu]

Morning, campers.
Just a quick heads-up.

Turns out Nibbles the goat
has developed a taste for flesh

after biting
a camper's fingers,

but to be fair,
that camper had a cheap spray tan

and those fingers looked
a lot like carrots.

What if Nibbles
comes after me?

My fingers look like
little hot dogs.

Oh, I'm sure they don't...
Oh, my gosh, they do.

But don't worry.
The goat is locked up and thinking

about what he's done.

Either that or choosing
his next victim.

Regardless,
that's a tomorrow problem.

Moving on to our next
order of business,

tonight we're trying something
a little different.

This evening's campfire
is going to be led by our very own

activities director,
Parker Preston.

Lou, what an honor
and a complete shock!

So you don't know anything
about the slips

in the suggestion box
saying you should do it?

No, but, wow, sounds like
I've got a whole lot of fans out there.

Well, it was written
on Parker Preston stationery.

Oh, whatever. It worked!

Lou, I was wondering
who you wanted to lead

the treasure hunt.

And by that polite question,
I mean, it should be me

and none of these yahoos.

Um, what Bill is trying to say is that,
yes, on the back

of the deed to the ranch,

we did find something
that looks a lot like a map.

And what Lou is trying
to say is...

I actually spoke too soon.
Not sure what your angle is yet.

My angle is no treasure hunt.

Everyone knows that
buried treasure is a myth,

and it's just something

that you see in adventure movies
or pirate fiction.

Much like in my self-published novel,
Beauty and the Barnacle,

on sale now for $ .
or best offer.

But the map proves
the treasure's real.

And you're just gonna let it
sit around collecting dust?

No, I framed it, deed side up,
for all of us to admire.

Isn't she a beauty?
Proof of Mama's first franchise.

Come on, Lou. Let me hunt
for that treasure.

I'm just dying to fill up my hands

with that huge Dusty Tush load.

Yeah. I don't think he heard it.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Hey, Destiny.
Have you seen Winnie?

I need her help
with something.

She's actually away for the weekend
at her cousin's wedding.

She's the flower girl.

Oh. That's cool.

Not really.

I heard her say
instead of petals,

she's going to toss crawdads

and just see where
the night takes her.

I don't think I'm doing
a very good job with her.

Oh, okay. Never mind, then.

Wait. Can I help you
with something?

Uh, not really. I need
a camper for this.

Why not a counselor?

Because I'm not really
supposed to be doing it.

And a counselor would
totally tell Lou.

Not true.

Okay, so I may be a counselor
by name

and contractual agreement,

and the status
on my social media profiles.

But I'm basically
one of you guys!

Fine.

I want to steal the deed
to the camp so I can hunt for

the Dusty Tush treasure.

You mean the treasure
Lou told you not to go looking for?

I mean... Ooh! Spill all the juicy deets,
fellow camper friend.

The Dusty Tush treasure
is something my family's

been after for decades,

and the map makes me think
it might be hidden on this land.

If I put enough holes
in this camp, I can find it

and finally be worthy of
the Pickett name.

So, what do you say?

I'd say
walk me through the "putting holes

in Lou's camp" part again.

See? Counselors!
They can't turn it off.

First they shut down
the treasure hunt.

Then they come after you
with the sunscreen.

[STUTTERS] Wait,
you didn't let me finish.

I'd also say I think
the treasure hunt

is a fantastic idea,
and I totally want to help.

Yay, rule-breaking!
And also, yay, sunscreen.

Noah, what are you doing?

Making a seating chart
from my grandparents' th anniversary.

I planned out every relative who's coming,
their food preferences...

That's great.

You're helping me
with campfire tonight.

I spent hours making
that tiny sweetheart table!

This is my chance
to prove to Lou how great

of an activities director I can be.

She hasn't trusted me
with a lot of stuff yet.

Because you usually
mess it up.

Unhelpful.

So I have to put on
the most incredible campfire

that Kikiwaka has ever seen.

Which can only mean one thing.

Hmm. I don't know.

Dead celebrity holograms
make me feel icky inside.

I'm talking about a dance performance.
You've got the best moves

of anyone outside of myself
and the Canadian postmaster general.

Say what you will
about Jean-Jacques' political future,

that guy can cut a rug.

Parker, I'm flattered,
but not surprised.

My dance style has been called
"inappropriate at a funeral."

I'm thinking we put on a whole production,
complete with costumes.

We can do a Western-themed dance
and fuse it with hip-hop.

Dude, get outta here!

That's exactly what
the funeral director said.

Noah, are you sure you want
to put Aunt Sherry

and her ex-husband
at the same table? Drama!

There's no time for this.

We are talking about
the super-sick dance

we're performing
at campfire tonight.

Oh, sweet!
I love dancing.

In preschool, I was voted
most likely to "bust a move"

during nap time.

Well, the more the merrier.

Let's turn this dancing duo
into a trio.

I believe you mean three-o.

I was also voted most
likely to count on my fingers

through adulthood.

I don't think I'm doing
a very good job with him.

There she is.

The map that's gonna put me
on the map.

I've been waiting all morning
to use that.

But the ladder's missing.

Oh, well, we tried.
Can't win them all.

Who's up
for a round of lawn bowling?

I'm team bowly-locks.

Don't worry.

I think I got a plan.

I can use the coffee table
and a few chairs

to create
a makeshift tower.

Then I'll use it to climb up
to the balcony and grab the deed.

[HESITATING] I'm so in.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Can't you tell how excited
I am by how high my voice is getting?

Then let's do this.

Why did I do this?

Darn it. I guess we can't get
that map without the ladder.

Oh, great. Thanks, Lou.

Sweet insurance deductible!
Who did this?

Would you believe

prairie dogs?

I would. They're the vandals
of the open range.

Then that is exactly
what it was.

Oh, it's on.
I'm going to destroy those varmints

if it's the last thing I do.

Though I hope the actual last thing
I do is ride an ostrich off of a cliff

into a swimming pool filled
with watermelon jelly beans.

I had a dream about it once.
Now I feel like it's the only way to go.

Nice one, Destiny.

Uh, yeah. Who needs a soul?

All right, before we start
planning tonight's show,

let's see what kind of skills
we have to work with.

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey!

North of the border, they call
this the poutine pop and lock.

[MIMICS ROBOT VOICE]
More gravy, please.

Noah, let's see what you got.

Watch out. I'm about
to go "Hamlet."

To groove or not to groove.

Just kidding. To groove.

Whoo! Oh.

Jake, blow us away
with your ridiculous moves.

Get ready to see
something special.

My mom calls this one
the "You're doing great, honey.

I love you so much."

I feel so alive!

To be fair, you did say
"ridiculous moves."

Wow. The actual map
to the Dusty Tush treasure.

Everything we need to find
that jade is right here.

So where is it?

Not a clue.

This map is just a bunch
of weird shapes.

Ah!

Nope, still weird.

Look, there are words.

"Near a mass
of gilded bricks,

"this tool will save you
from a fix."

My family told me about this.

The map has a series
of riddles you have to solve.

Well, if it's word-based puzzles
you want, then there's a poetry slam

going on in the mess hall. So...

Let's think.
Gilded means golden.

So we need to be looking
for a golden bri...

Wait a minute.

Bricks.

These bricks used
to be painted gold.

The jade must be
somewhere nearby.

Do you know what this means?

That we need to study
a topographical map

of the greater Dusty Tush area and
be very intentional about where we dig?

No. We need to rip the stuffing out
of this lawn before someone stops us.

Okay, yay!
This is so much fun.

The treasure's close.
I can feel it in my gut.

Nope, must have
been indigestion.

What have we done?

Maybe Lou won't notice it?

[LOU GASPS]

My beautiful lawn, and I had
just painted it.

I mean, the grass was
so lovely and real.

Lou, I can explain.
It was...

The prairie dogs.

There's a whole army
of them now.

I think the one with the
silver whiskers is their general.

[GASPS] I should've known traps
wouldn't be enough for those suckers.

Wait. Why do you two
have shovels?

Uh... We were going to
use them to defend the camp.

Excellent idea. Destiny,

you are such
a great counselor.

Yes, that is me.

Did she say
she paints the lawn?

Jake, I want you to watch our moves
and see if you can try to mimic them.

Okay?

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, Jake.
Now your turn.

Nailed that one.

What's next?
Do you want me to sing

and dance because
I've got a voice like butter.

-[CLEARS THROAT]
-[MUSIC STOPS] - Stop

right there!

You multi-talented
little superstar, you.

We can only handle
one amazing skill at a time.

Aw. You sound just
like my mom.

Okay, new tactic.

All right, let's break it down,
one move at a time.

Okay? First, the step.

Perfect. Now the slide.

Perfect.
Then we finish with a jump

and a clap.

Good. Now just string it
all together, okay?

[MUSIC STARTS]

Hope you don't mind
a little freestyle

because this beast
can't be contained by choreo.

What are we gonna do?

I'll let you know
what my therapist says.

JAKE: Dude!

When did that wall
get there?

Wait. I just got an idea.

You got an idea off that?

I had so much fun with you
on this incredible adventure today.

But you know what they say, if at first
you don't succeed, stop and go swimming.

You think I'm quitting
that easily?

I have a family name
to live up to.

And that name is Pickett.

Not "I give up after
only one try..."

...burg.

Bill, you tried your best.

And even though we didn't
discover any treasure,

we discovered something
just as important.

That I can still be as cool
as a camper.

Wait. What about
the hay bales in the barn?

Hay is golden in color, and
the bales are shaped like bricks.

I wish I could argue
with any of that, but I can't.

We've gotta go bust up
that barn.

Was Winnie the well-behaved
one this whole time?

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Now into
the sarsaparilla shuffle. Hey!

To the left.

To the right.

Uh-oh! There's a snake
in your boot.

JAKE: Guys,
when's my entrance?

Not yet.
Wait for the finish.

Okay, now.

-Sweet. Awesome rehearsal.
-[MUSIC STOPS]

Great job, tumbleweed.

Guys, I don't understand.

When do I dance?

Jake.

This is way better
than dancing.

You're the climactic centerpiece
of the whole production.

You know,
some people say,

not dancing
is the greatest dancing of all.

Wait...

You guys never wanted me
to dance, did you?

I finally see
what's going on here.

Sometimes it takes me a while
to catch on to things.

Like when I learned that
there are no unicorns

because they went extinct
over a million years ago.

Oh, my sweet child.

But I can tell
when I'm not wanted.

So if you'll excuse me...

Could someone please push me
through the door so I can storm off?

Turn to the side.

[GRUNTING]

JAKE: Thank you.

I think we might
have messed up.

I know. If we just
dressed him up as a cactus,

he would have slipped
right through.

But we also
hurt his feelings, yes.

Hey, Bill, you go on ahead.

I'll meet you at the barn.

Okay,
But hurry or there won't be

any barn left for you to bust.

Oh, there better be!

Lou.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Why?

I'm assuming this is something
to do with the prairie dog problem

that is totally
and completely real.

You bet. I'm gonna stay
out here all night if I have to,

luring them in with my stuffed
friend and the dance of their people.

Okay.

Have you considered that maybe
the prairie dogs just left on their own?

Dear sweet, naive Destiny.

The prairie dogs
won't just leave on their own.

It is I who must end this, now,

keep your eyes peeled
and your ears to the ground.

If you hear me let out a prairie
dog mating call, stay completely still.

How will I know
what that sounds like?

Oh, you'll know.

Okay, Well,
I have a full day of thorough

and responsible counseling
ahead of me.

So ta-ta for now.

Okay. If you see
any prairie dogs,

make sure you steer 'em
in the direction of the barn.

Nibbles is in there
and that meat-eating goat

will tear apart
anything that gets near it.

What?

That is just until Sunday
when I donate him

to Dusty Tush's
children's petting zoo.

Oh, no!

Oh, relax!

The kids will wear chain mail.
It's all been worked out.

One, two, three, four.

Five, six, seven, eight.

-You're great!
-No, you're great.

BOTH: Let's do this!

Oh, Jake. Um...

Noah and I just wanted to say
we're sorry for how things turned out.

Yeah, we never should have
made you dress up as a tumbleweed.

Did you want to be a cactus?
I think you wanted to be a cactus.

What Noah is trying to say is
we should have just let you dance with us.

And we're sorry
that you're not anymore.

Oh, I'm dancing tonight.

What?

BOTH: Whoa...

I'm performing my own dance
for the crowd.

One that'll blow yours
out of the water.

You mean like... [GASPS]

A dance battle?

[GASPS]

That's right.

You guys are gonna
get wiped out.

Just like the unicorns.

I think Jake just stole
my campfire.

I know! The nerve.

But do you think he'll give
me the name of his sequin guy?

I know.
I kind of want it, too.

"Near a mass of
gilded bricks..." This is it!

Time for me to finally
live up to the Pickett name.

[NIBBLES BELLOWS]

Hello? Is someone here?

Bill, we've got to leave
right now.

Seriously, Destiny,
stop being such a counselor.

No! It's...[NIBBLES BLEATS]

Do you feel like
we're being watched?

[BLEATS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Nibbles. He's here
for finger blood.

There, there,
nice m*rder goat.

Bill, I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.

Okay.

Well, that was
a little quick.

[BLEATS]

[SCREAMS]
Destiny.

Maybe you should sacrifice
yourself so that I could get away.

You know, since you're
a counselor.

Oh. Now it's okay
to be a counselor?

I'm not ready to die.

There's so much
I haven't seen yet.

Okay, well,
that's everything.

Destiny, Bill?
I heard Nibbles screaming

and thought a prairie dog
m*ssacre was happening without me.

And Mama's not
gonna miss that.

Okay, Lou, there never
were any prairie dogs.

Wait, then what little demons tore up
my great lawn and wrecked my mess hall?

You're looking at them.

[BLEATS]
Hey, Nibbles.

If you need something to nibble on,
try this, you terrifying weirdo.

Well, that's the last time
I buy a goat on sale.

So, Destiny, what's going on?

I'm so sorry for lying
to you, Lou.

Bill wanted to go on the treasure
hunt, and I went along with it.

I was trying to be both a fun
camper and a cool counselor.

And I wound up making
a mess of both.

Hmm. I get it.
I've been there.

You have?

Yeah. I was a camper,
then a counselor.

Then a camp director,
and then a camp owner.

Each step of the way, the
transitions were never easy,

but it's all part
of growing up.

Thanks, Lou. It means a lot knowing
someone I admire struggled, too.

Aw, I'm glad. But I've spent my whole
day chasing phantom prairie dogs,

resodding my lawn
and cleaning up the mess hall.

So I'm gonna need you two
to drop and give me .

Yeah, that's fair.

[BANGING]

What was that?

Wait, I know what this is.

"Near a mass
of gilded bricks,

"this tool will save you
from a fix."

It's a compass made of jade!

The treasure's real?
Bill, you were right.

Look, there's another riddle
etched onto the back.

There must be more treasure
still to find.

[GASPS] This is just like my novel,

Hunky Men Tell No Tales.

It's a very spicy read.

Assemble!

Parker's first campfire,
presented by Parker Preston.

Commemorative T-shirts
will be available for purchase.

Already regret delegating.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I welcome you to a very special campfire.

A dance battle
to the death!

To the death? Really?

No. But please hold off
on comments.

They're k*lling
the dramatic effect.

Parker, are you sure
you want to do this?

We're going to destroy
Jake in this thing.

Do you seriously think
we could stop him?

Even if we wanted to?

NOAH: You're right. He's stretching
those hammies. He means business.

Let's do this.

This campfire is about
to get hot.

UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING...

I'm not even gonna ask where
they got the money for costumes.

Or props,
or a lighting concept.

I guess this is what my boys
get up to when I'm not around.

You might be
holding them back.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

You guys are going down.

Hit it!

Oh, you want me
to start the music?

Yes, please.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING...

Ooh, I had no idea Jake was
a dancer. This is so awesome.

Oh, boy...

Oh, we've got this
in the bag.

Yeah. How do we feel
about that?

Not good.
Not good at all.

That's my little coyote up
there. We have to do something.

That's right.
And what does Jake always say?

-Coyotes flock together.
-Coyotes flock together.

Let's go, Jake!

-Yeah!
-What?

Somebody call a veterinarian
'cause this coyote is sick!

Eh, why not?
I've had a day.

All right, campers,
what do we think?

Who is the winner
of tonight's dance battle?

ALL: [CHANTING]
Jake! Jake! Jake!

Thanks, guys.
This was a blast.

And I totally forgive you
for copying all my dope moves

and piggybacking on the frenzy
I whipped up in the crowd.

Yeah, that's what happened.

Well, I think it's pretty safe to say
that your first campfire was a success.

I guess I should start trusting
you with more responsibility.

Yes! I have tons of ideas.
If we can just get one of those machines

that makes dead
celebrity holograms.

Ew, no.
Those make me feel icky.

What do you say, Parker? Encore?
Let's keep this party going.

[NIBBLES BELLOWS]

No, party's over!
Ball up your fists and run!

[ALL SCREAMING]

THEME MUSIC PLAYING...