06x05 - The Truth Will Sweat You Free

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Jake, I have
a special delivery for you.

A cardboard box?

Nice!

There's probably
something in there.

No way. Double nice.

Oh, man, and it's from
my best friend, Gamerboy .

- He didn't use his real name?
- Oh, Lou.

Real names are so .

Bill, your issue of
Rancher Monthly magazine

came in,
and so did mine.

You get Rancher Monthly too?

Did you read that article
about organic manure?

[GASPS]

Changed my life.

And I have mail
for you, too.

And a magazine called
Poutine Digest.

Sweet!

Ironically, poutine is nearly
impossible to digest.

It's the curds.

Noah. I have
something for... Finally!

You're welcome.

Check it out.
It's my new head sh*ts

for my first ever
starring-role credit for

Dino Camp Diaries, Part One.

Very optimistic of them
to think there will be a part two.

Man.

Even with Dino Camp, my credits list
is still way too short.

I wonder if the Dusty Tush
theater scene has something

I can audition for.

A theater?
I want to go.

Whoo. Do I sit
before a fellow thespian?

What?
No.

I'm hoping they might need
a pyrotechnician.

I'm trying to be good,
but a girl can only go so long

without sh**ting flames
out of a cannon.

I'm so glad
you're Destiny's problem.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Hey, what's
so funny?

Oh, we're taking Rancher Monthly's
Personality quiz.

- It's a hoot.
- What's it called?

"Find out what tractor model
defines you."

Next question.

"When it's time
to feed the herd,

"what type of grass
do you reach for?"

A: Alfalfa, B: Rye,
or C: Bermuda grass?

- [SCOFFS] Bermuda grass.
- BOTH: Alfalfa.

Right. I meant Alfalfa.

Hey, I'm second
in command around here.

I think it's important
I learn

more about
this ranching stuff.

Will you two teach me?

Seriously?
Even you have to admit,

you're not exactly
the... outdoorsy type.

But you said
you want this to be a place

where people can learn
how to ranch.

Yeah. Kids.

Not ex-trust fund babies,

who up until recently wanted

to go to b*at boxing college.

So is that a...
[BEATBOXES] yes?

Fine.

If only to stop him
from b*at boxing.

[BEATBOXING]

Looks like Main Street's
getting a new store.

WINNIE: The Armadilla
Sarsaparilla Shop-ay?

It's pronounced
"shop," little girl.

The added "PE"
makes it fancy.

[GIGGLES]
You said "pee."

I do not like you.

May I interest you
in free samples?

This stuff is delicious.

I always knew
I liked you.

The Marshal, do you know
of any local acting gigs?

Well, there really isn't
a theater scene in Dusty Tush.

Uh, but it's in the works,
like our hospital.

You have a Spurbucks
but not a hospital?

Actually, I do know
of one acting job in town.

How exactly is this
an acting job?

You're gonna act as Sassy,
a sarsaparilla armadillo,

and hand out coupons

until my shop's grand opening
in a few days,

where you'll be
the star of the show.

Or whatever.

The star.
I like the sound of that.

Winnie,
what do you think?

[BELCHES]

I think I love Sarsaparilla.

Super helpful.

Hey, Jake.

Did someone
send you an atlas?

Yeah, but why would
Gamerboy send me

boomer GPS?

Well, thanks for visiting.
Bye now.

Jake. Give it.

[SIGHS]

A laptop and headset?

Jake, you know you're not supposed
to have this.

You haven't played
video games in weeks.

You can't start again now.

I swear I didn't know my buddy
was sending me this stuff.

It's just nice
to hear from him.

I miss my online friends.

Especially Gamerboy .

He knows the real me.

Well, not the real me
because security.

But the real avatar me.

Look. I get that
you miss your friends.

But your parents gave Lou
very specific instructions.

No video games.

Fine. I guess that's it
for me and my best friend, Gamerboy .

You don't even know
his real name.

But I know his heart.

Well, not his "heart"
heart because

security, but his avatar heart.

Where's Parker?
These rancher lessons were his idea.

I'm not so sure
about this.

Hey, guys.

I'm less sure
about this.

I wanted to dress
like a real rancher.

You never told me
what to wear.

Well, to be honest,
I kind of wanted to see

what you'd show up in,
and, uh,

you did not disappoint.

Well, I'm going to take that
as a compliment.

Despite your little tone.

Change into something
more comfortable

and functional.
Like us.

- What?
- This suit is comfortable and functional.

Functional, huh?

So you'd have no problem
picking up that stick?

[SCOFFS]
No problem at all.

I don't think I want to.

Parker? Would you like
to go change into some looser pants?

I am going
to change these pants.

But only 'cause I'm not
feeling this color today.

What are you doing
back here?

Quality control.

Ah, this one's good.

Oh, sorry.

I wasn't paying attention.

I was really into this
Sci-fi Fun Times article.

Wait, you read
Sci-fi Fun Times, too?

Uh, yeah.

I'm only video store employee
who knows anything

about science fiction.

You'd be surprised
by how many people lie

on their applications
about being a true nerd.

You work
at a video store?

- [SCOFFS]
- Marry me.[CHUCKLES]

- What?
- What?

Oh, I said uh,
me, Noah.

Nice to meet you, Noah.

Me, Megan.

I've never flirted before,
but I'm pretty sure

this isn't how you do it.

Can you believe
this new soda shop?

What terrible people.

Terrible? Huh, well,
that's an interesting word.

Please elaborate.
[CHUCKLES]

Didn't you hear? They
use real armadillo sweat

in their sarsaparilla recipe.

Wait, what?
That's messed up.

Right? That sweat belongs
to the poor armadillos

to do with as they please.

Oh, I was thinking more
of the grossness factor,

but, yeah. That too.

Anyone who works
at that shop

has armadillo sweat
on their hands.

Huh, well, the sweat on my hands
is definitely all mine.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Well, I better
get to work.

We don't get many customers,
but people do come in

to use the bathroom.

Strongest hand-dryer
in the state.

Hopefully
I'll see you around.

[LAUGHS] Well, hopefully,
I see you first,

just in case I'm doing
something you don't like.

Ew, Winnie.
Didn't you hear?

Those drinks are made
from armadillo sweat.

That's what makes them
so salty.

[SIGHS] True love
isn't perfect, Noah.

It's the imperfections
that make it beautiful.

Watch your step.

And...

Surprise!

You're actually gonna
let me play?

No. But I know
you miss your friends,

so I'm going to let you talk
to them over the headset

while I play for you.

I don't know.

This is a pretty tough game
for a non-gamer. No offense.

I'm responsible
for Wild Winnie Weber.

I think I can handle it.

By the way,
where is she?

Oh, well.
Let's play.

Yo, Gamerboy .
What's up, man?

Oh, I missed you, too.

Ooh, look at you.
Has your avatar been working out?

I exploded.
Is that good?

My bad, Gamerboy.

Guess I'm
kind of rusty.

This was a bad idea.
Maybe we should call it.

Uh, no, look,
I'm getting the hang of it.

Yes, I exploded the thingy
with the thingy,

and I won the thingy.

This is actually
pretty fun.

Right? But make sure
to ice your thumbs tonight.

They're not gonna like you
in the morning.

Come one, come all,
to our grand opening tomorrow.

This hurts.
I played Hamlet.

Oh. Let me know if you see Megan
come this way, okay?

I don't want her
to know I work here.

Okay, good.
Because I hear all the best relationships

are built on lies.

Get your fill of Armadilla Sarsaparilla!
[EXCLAIMS]

- What?
- [SCREAMS]

This awful shop
has a mascot?

You should be ashamed of yourself.
How do you sleep at night?

I'm assuming
it's some sort of ball?

I won't rest
until this whole town

sees you guys
for who you really are.

And tomorrow,
I'll be the one leading the protest,

you armadillo
sweat-stealer.

Ooh. That's good.

That's going
on a sign.

Oh, hey, I think
that was Megan.

You think?

Okay, rancher lesson
number two, roping.

All right,
let's get started.

Hold your horses, partner.
Take a step back.

Watch the pros.

Whoa!

I believe the word you're looking for
is "yee-haw."

Love your technique.

What's with the extra knots
in your rope?

Tricked it out,

just like
the original Bill Pickett used to.

That's so cool.

Can you teach me how to tie my lasso
like that?

I'm not sure
you're quite ready

for my great-great grandfather's
advanced roping techniques.

You're still learning
how to put on the right pants.

Let's see
what you got, newbie.

I threw the wrong end,
didn't I?

[GRUNTS]

Does that count?

[GRUNTS]

[CLANGS]

Does that count?

All right.
Well, the weathervane is back on the roof,

but apparently,
the wind is blowing "Snorth."

And we're done here.
I think these lessons were a bad idea.

But we're just
getting started.

I'm sorry, Parker,
but I think I was right earlier.

I'm just not sure you have what it takes
to be a real rancher.

Yes, I do.
I know I can learn.

Look at me.
I'm already wearing looser pants.

Check out
these lunges.

What if that weathervane
had fallen on a real cow?

[SCOFFS]
We'd be having barbecue

for dinner.
[CHUCKLES]

What? Since when do we not eat
real cows around here?

Ah, ah!

There's my Sassy.

Hey, you hand out
all those coupons?

Uh, I don't have any more
'cause my printer ran out of cyan.

The Marshal, I quit.

Excuse me?

The... The grand opening
is tomorrow.

You can't quit.

I'm sorry,
but if Megan finds out I'm Sassy,

I'll have no chance with her.

[SIGHS]

Well, I understand.

Far be it for me to stand
in the way of love.

Of course,

if you do decide
to quit,

I might feel compelled
to tell your lady friend the truth.

That you've been
Sassy all along.

[GASPS]

You wouldn't.

I would.

Whoa! Were you up
playing all night?

Of course not.

There was a patch fix
update from : to : .

Okay. Mind if I talk
to my buddies?

No can do. I was playing
with your friends earlier,

but I had to ditch them.

Their predilection for mercy
was holding me back.

You're getting
a little intense.

Maybe we should
get some fresh air.

And some eye drops.
It looks like you haven't blinked in hours.

Ugh.
Get off my back,

Blinky , or I'll blast you
back to the start menu.

Oh, you are
way past eye drops.

Before you go, mind holding up
that power shake so I can take a sip?

Destiny?

What's that bucket for?

Don't be naive, Jacob.
I'm on my seventh shake.

You know exactly
what that bucket's for.

Why is there a horse
in front of my mess hall?

Because...
I put him there.

Why is there a Parker
on top of my mess hall?

I'm gonna prove to you both

once and for all
that I do have what it takes

to be a rancher.

I'm gonna jump off
this balcony,

and onto that mighty steed.

Did we forget to explain to him
what a rancher is?

Cowboys do it
in movies all the time.

You never see any of their friends
questioning their abilities.

Yeah, because
they're stunt cowboys.

You are just
a weirdo on a balcony.

You need
to get down.

Even if you do land
on the horse,

you could fall off
and hurt yourself.

A rancher fears nothing.

Except for maybe
bigger ranchers.

Anyways, watch me
nail this landing, buckaroos.

Don't do it!

[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]

He did it.

[HOARSELY] Yup. Didn't hurt at all.
Everything feels fine.

And you stayed on.

That was amazing.

We've got to go
tell everyone.

Yeah. You guys go
sing my praises without me.

I'm just gonna
chill here.

Don't be silly.
Come with us.

No, I'd rather not.
I can see the parking lot

from up here.
It's beautiful.

Parker?

Why won't you come down
off that horse?

You see, Lou,

a rancher and his horse
share a special bond.

Glued your butt to
the saddle, didn't you?

Sure did.

Parker, what were
you thinking?

I was thinking I'd do anything

to have my so-called teachers
believe in me.

I wanted to learn
how to ranch.

But clearly, I came
to the wrong people.

And another thing...

You know, I have more
to say on this subject,

but I guess
I'm on his journey now.

Is Sassy ready
for the big grand opening?

[SCOFFS] He's ready
for it to be over.

After today, I'll finally be
in the clear with Megan

and my secret will be safe.

What secret?

Oh, uh...
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

My secret is,

I don't know
the capital of Wyoming.

It's Cheyenne.

Phew!
I've lived with that shame

for far too long.

Anyways,
what's up, girl?

Well, I can tell
you feel the same way I do

about The Marshal stealing
all that armadillo sweat.

So...

Do you want to come
to the protest today?

- With you?
- Yeah.

And maybe after,
we can get some takeout

and watch a sci-fi movie
at the video store.

How does that sound?

Well, it kind of
sounds like a date.

Good.
That was my intention.

Oh.

Then yes.
Yes to everything you just said.

And pre-yes to all your
future suggestions.

[CHUCKLES] Good.
Keep that in mind

when I order bananas
on our pizza tonight.

See you later.

Dude.
What were you thinking?

Oh, I just figured I could eat
around the bananas.

No, I mean, how are you gonna
dress up as an armadillo

for the big grand opening,

while at the same time
protesting it with Megan?

That may have
slipped my mind.

Oh, no. What am I gonna
do here, Winnie?

Uh, also,
I'm having a crisis

and that hat is
very distracting.

Hey, give that back!

I can't abandon my squad. We've
been friends for, like, a whole minutes.

If you want it, just walk
over here and take it.

Fine.

Huh.

What happened to me?

You've been sitting for hours,
so your legs fell asleep.

It's called
gamer leg.

I've been there.
It's humbling.

Maybe I do
have a problem.

You know,

I was just like you,

spending all day, every day by
myself, caught up in the game.

But you won't believe
what you missed today.

Noah started selling coupons
to sweaty armadillos

and Parker glued
a horse to the balcony.

I'm gonna need
to fact check all of that.

But you're right
about the game.

It can really
suck you in, huh?

Only if you let it.

I miss my online friends.

But ever since
I got here,

I haven't really
missed technology.

I'm just enjoying camp.

You're wise
beyond your years, friend.

Would you... help me outside?

The sun feels warmer
than I remember.

Jake, will you do
something else for me?

Anything.

Will you empty
my gaming bucket?

I will not.

Hey, bud.

Are you reading
Poutine Digest?

Yeah.

Poutine Digest has never
made me feel left out.

Poutine Digest
has always believed in me.

Look, we owe you an apology.

We were more worried
about showing off

than we were about
being good teachers.

But everybody
has to start somewhere.

Yeah, well,

I get how it can
be frustrating

teaching someone new.

You guys have always
been good at this stuff.

[CHUCKLES]
That is not true.

You should have been there when I
first learned how to milk poor Bessie.

My parents had to drink
their coffee black for a week.

And it took me longer
than I care to admit

to tell the difference
between manures.

[WHISPERING]
It's all in the texture.

See? Bill and I
were beginners once, too.

And we promise
to be better teachers

and help you
learn the ropes

if you're willing to
give us another chance.

Fine.

I can't stay mad
at... [BEATBOXING] you.

I thought we agreed
to let the b*at boxing die.

The b*at never dies.

[BEATBOXING]

Fine, I'll let it die.

Psst, The Marshal - is looking for you.
- He is?

My stars, Megan,
would you look at that?

Our protest signs
have typos!

I'm just gonna go fix
them real quick. Okay. Bye.

About time!

Sassy goes on
in five!

Megan's looking for you.

She thinks you
ditched the protest.

What? No!

Sassy has to...

uh, tinkle.

Or something less
embarrassing than that.

Be right back.

There you are.
Can I have the signs?

Oh, I'm an outgoing Gemini
with a Virgo rising.

Oh, those signs.
Yeah, I'll be right back.

Where is Sassy now?

I'm beginning to think

he had to go
[WHISPERS] number two.

I'm sure
he'll be back soon.

He better,

because I'm fixing to tell
that girlfriend of his the truth.

No, don't do that.

I'll get Sassy
on stage right now.

I'll be back
for that.

- I found the signs.
- Just in time. The show is starting.

It is? How?

How come you seem so
much shorter than before?

WINNIE: Acting!

Good enough for me.

Welcome to the Armadilla
Sarsaparilla Shoppe.

[CROWD CHEERING AND BOOING]

Too bad
for you booers.

I'm numb
to criticism.

Now...

I have a real special
treat for y'all.

So, please
put your hands together

for Sassy,
the Sarsaparilla Armadilla.

[CROWD CHEERING AND BOOING]

Who is that?

Yeah, who are you?
Show yourself!

I'll never
take off this costume

unless I get hungry.

Purr-purr!

Winnie?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
All right, Sassy,

it's time for the
Sarsaparilla shuffle!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you doing?

Covering for you.
Go back to your date.

That's really nice.
Thank you.

Well, save it.
Megan's watching.

I'm supposed to be your
worst enemy, remember?

Oh, uh, right.

Take that, Sassy!

Come on, everyone.

CROWD: Boo!

Okay, guys,

I think
we made our point.

And who knows, maybe
there's a good person in there

who's really nice
to their friends.

You know what,
you're a great guy,

but you're really bad
at moral outrage.

CROWD: Boo!

That's enough!

[MUSIC STOPS]

Thanks.
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

How do armadillos
not sweat all the time?

Noah, what's going on?

The truth is,

Winnie isn't
the real Sassy.

I'm the one who's been
playing Sassy all week.

So, you should all
boo me, not her.

Great idea!

Boo!

CROWD: Boo!

Everyone, stop!

Noah may have
sold out to the man,

and sided
with big sarsaparilla,

but standing up
for your friends

is just as important

as standing up
for armadillos.

That girl is a pain
in my patootie,

but she's got moxie.

Megan, I'm really sorry

I didn't tell you
the truth.

The reason I didn't
want you to know

I was Sassy is,

well, I kind of
have a crush on you.

Well, that's no excuse
for lying.

But I kind of
have a crush on you, too,

as long as you're really
done with The Marshal

and his awful shop.

I promise

Winnie and I will never
drink another bottle

of Armadilla
Sarsaparilla again.

Winnie?

What?
It's hot in this costume.

Also, I have a problem.

And fine, y'all win.

I can't fight
the whole town.

From now on,
Armadilla Sarsaparilla

will be %
armadillo sweat-free.

- Yay!
- Whoo!

I suppose

salt is a good enough
substitute anyway.

Salt was an option?

That should have been
your Plan A, man!

THEME MUSIC PLAYING...