06x07 - A Recipe for Disaster

[bunniefuu]

All right, let's dive into
the suggestion box.

The mound of brown
is too moundy.

The mound of brown
is too brownie.

If you wax the canoes, they'd
glide through the water better.

Hey, that's actually
a good suggestion.

Also, the food here
is trash.

Okay.

Complaining about the food
won't make it any better.

I'm only one woman, not the
glorious, godly genius that is Guy Fieri.

I think the food here
is pretty good.

Thank you, Bill.

It's right up there with
my favorite trail meal,

beans cooked in
an old cowboy boot.

You really didn't
need to elaborate.

Hello.
Are you Lou Hockhauser?

If so, I'm Sam.
Your : .

[GASPS]
Nice to meet you, Sam.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

Firm.

This is Parker,
our activities director,

and Bill,
one of our campers.

- Hi there.
- Pleased to meet you.

Sam is our newest camper

and is also
a real life genius.

Charity has her PhD

and is the youngest bio tech
engineer working in the field to date.

That must have been hard.

Actually, the hardest part

was finding Harvard
graduation robes in kid's sizes.

I had to borrow mine
from a tiny judge.

I'd love it if you guys would
show Sam around camp for me.

Yeah, totally.
We can handle that.

Absolutely. So, Sam, what made
you decide to come to Kikiwaka Ranch?

Well, I live in Minneapolis,

but I'm Yaqui, and our tribe's
homeland encompasses the Southwest.

So I thought it'd be cool to go to
camp somewhere around there.

But you heard about
Kikiwaka Ranch

and just couldn't stay away
from Wyoming?

Oh, no. All my first camp
choices in the Southwest are full.

You guys are my
safety, safety, safety camp.

Cool, cool.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Destiny, you can't take
a nap now.

What are we doing next?

Nothing.
Nothing is next.

We just ziplined and canoed
and ziplined into a canoe.

Any chance, next, we could
zipline into a good book?

I know what somebody needs.

- Sumo wrestling.
- A break.

Okay.

I'll go grab the suits.

Whoa.

Where's the fire?

There's a fire?
Where's the fire?

I love fire.

It's just an expression.
There's no fire.

Not yet.

You okay?

No. Winnie has more energy
than a hurricane fighting a tornado,

drinking a latte,
apparently in a sumo suit.

Just give her something
she can do alone.

For instance, I just give Jake
a tennis ball in a bowl of water,

and he entertains himself
for days.

It's fascinating to watch.

I don't think
that'll work with Winnie.

Then how about music?

We could get her an instrument
like a trombone.

[EXCLAIMS]
That's a great idea.

I mean, not the trombone part. Obviously.

Hey.

Maybe we could
get her a guitar.

I used to love listening
to Ava play hers.

I can see if they have one
at the music store.

I'm going into town tomorrow.

Destiny. Meet me
on the Great Lawn.

I laid down some hot coals
to make it more interesting.

Or I could go today.

Yes, please.

Down that way
is the city of Dusty Tush.

This trail leads to lake Tush, and
that way you can hike up to Mount...

Let me guess. Tush?

No. Mount Derriere.

They decided to get fancy
with that one.

So Sam, what made you decide
to come to camp in the first place?

Well, I figured since I have a
full time job, work with adults,

hang out with adults, help
adults with their taxes...

Okay, if your life
was any more adult,

I need a permission slip
to hear about it.

Exactly.

So it took some
vacation time to come here

and try making new friends
closer to my own age.

To that end, I've made a list
of the most common activities

for forming amicable
social bonds.

I don't understand
what you're saying,

but let's make you
some friends, girl.

Making friends wasn't
easy for me when I got here,

but I figured it out and I'd
love to help you do the same.

Yes!

What should we do first?

Depends. What do
you like to do for fun?

Oh, you know, peer review
my colleague's journals,

updating my PC software,
the ushe.

And I can see from your faces
that's not the ushe.

Uh, it says here
you want to play more games.

How about something
with a ball?

Perfect.

You guys are really internalizing
my mission statement.

BOTH: Thank you?

[SNIFFS]

Suite seven

herbs and spices.

Something smells good.

Wait, am I
at the right camp?

Guy Fieri, Is that you?

What smells so good?

My mom sent me
my favorite dish.

It's called the
Jacobs family surprise.

Well, it looks delicious.

Want some?

It's a recipe that's been passed
down through my family for generations.

Mmm.

This is amazing.

I almost forgot
food could have taste

and not just relentless,
unforgiving texture.

Hey, can we make more of
this for, like, the whole camp?

Absolutely.
I can't wait to make it.

So how do we make it?

You don't know?

No.

It's a secret family recipe.

You're not trusted with the
ingredients until you're an adult.

But when I was a little kid, I did
watch my mom make it a bunch of times.

Hmm. Well, then, looks like we're
going to figure out this recipe on our own.

Time to put our
thinking caps on.

And cover this up.

I'm having such
a great hair day.

Okay. I'm gonna have
to figure this out on my own.

You... can be there.

Sam, have you ever
played tether ball?

No, but I did do a great presentation
on fun at my company picnic.

Okay, so I see we're starting
at ground zero.

All you do is hit it
back and forth.

You start.

Great.

First, I'll match
the wind velocity,

then calculate the
centrifugal force of the ball.

You know what?
We'll start.

- Take that, Preston.
- In your face, Pickett.

- You're going down.
- Not if you go down first.

Gentlemen, please.

Don't let this weird game
come between you.

Oh, we don't mean it.

It's just a fun way to talk to your
friends while you're playing a game.

Oh, yes, that's my list, too.

Right here.

Gentle ribbing.

Then, give me
your best sh*t.

How's this?

I am Parker and my smile is so
bright, it kind of hurts to look at it.

Ha! Take that.

I will take that
That was quite nice.

Too nice.
You need to tease him more.

Okay.

Then how about this?

I'm Parker, my bright smile's
covering up the existential fear

that my life will be a series
of ever escalating failures.

Is that better?

Ouch.

It's a bit of
an over correction.

You'd fit right into
my family reunions.

That is not a guitar.

It's not?

Boom! Gotcha.

Acting.

What happened?

So, there was his mom
hanging out at the music store,

and she offered me
this set of drums for free.

And I said,
I don't know.

And then she said, she'll
give me $ to take them.

And I said,
"Okay, I guess."

Then she said, "No, take
backs", and ran out the store.

Great deal, right?

Whoa! Why are there
drums in the cabin?

There are drums
in the cabin?

[EXCLAIMING] What!

Stop it.

We got one for you.

You did? Why?

Um, because...

I am such
a great counselor and...

You know what? Let's
just skip to the part

where you thank us
and I feel like a hero.

Thanks, guys.

This is so nice.

Oh, wow, that is loud.

Oh, well,
see you at dinner.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. This is basically
every ingredient

that could possibly be
in Jacob's family surprise.

Will you please
stop doing that?

Sorry.
No one taught me this game.

I could do this for days.

Okay.

I'm getting hints of garlic.

And notes of chili powder.

And, uh-oh.

What's this?

Peppermint? Huh?

Oh, probably should have
spit my gum out first.

Okay, tell me what
you think it tastes like.

It tastes like... home.

Okay. That is adorable,
but extremely unhelpful.

I know this recipe has to
be in my brain somewhere.

Yes, we just need
to pull it out.

Uh, Lou. My brains in here.

Bless her heart.

I'm going to hypnotize you to
pull the recipe from your memory.

Cool. Where'd you
learn hypnosis?

I took an online course.
It was a package deal.

I'm also qualified
to officiate weddings

and communicate
with some dogs.

All right. I'm going to be
using this triangle dinner bell.

Since I don't have
a pocket watch.

I'm not an old timey
train conductor.

Good luck.

My mind is an
impenetrable fortress.

You are getting
very sleepy.

[SNORES]

Well, that was easy.

Okay, Jake, listen to my
voice and follow my commands.

Go back to a time
when you were younger

and watched your mom
make Jacob's family surprise.

Now open your eyes

and tell me what you see.

Kiki had a nice nap.

Time for yum yums.

Yum yums.
Jake, how old are you?

This many?

Uh-oh.
I took you too far back.

Uh. What's going on?
Are you okay?

Jakey's gonna make
a boom boom.

Okay. We don't make
boom booms

where we make yum yums.

Let's go.

Jakey's not gonna make it.

You better make it, Jakey.

You.

Is this about
the drums?

Yes, it's about the drums.

You basically gave my camper
a headache machine.

What if she starts
a band one day

and thanks you
in her Grammy speech

in a category I was
celebrity presenter for

because I finally b*at out Robert
Pattinson for my first Oscar?

Sorry.
Favorite fantasy of mine.

Maybe you're right.

She should join a band.

Hmm.

She agreed with me but the
ominous tone was a strange choice.

Oh.

Now I get it.

Winnie, can we see you
for a moment?

The drums are
in here now.

Well, Noah is dying for
a jam session with you.

Cool.

But why can't he just bring
his trombone to our cabin?

That's not happening.

I mean, uh, the acoustics
are better in here.

[VOCALIZING]

Ooh. That is nice.

I know right. That's why
I picked this cabin.

Oh, and I almost
forgot the best part.

I saw this in the kitchen and thought
nothing completes a jam session

like the shrill clanging
of a dinner triangle.

Just something a beloved
grandmother of mine used to say.

If you say so.

[CLANGING]

Have fun.

Oh, we will.

So are we gonna
jam or what?

Is or what
still on the table?

Well, we can remove swimming
with my peers from the list.

Did you know your lake water
is crawling with microbes?

It's not so bad.

If you don't mind being
your own night light.

Okay, what's next
on the list?

Pranking.

But that's probably
too advanced for me.

I was pretty trash
at trash talk.

No way! I'm known for
my pranks on cattle drives.

Pranking at camp can be a
good icebreaker for making friends.

Oh, and I have a great idea for
the perfect camp-friendly prank.

S'more? Thanks.

Wait, no, don't.

Instead of marshmallow,
it's filled with mashed potato.

Nice. I usually use lard
for this one.

But that won't
taste very good.

Oh, I get it!

Tomfoolery.

Great.
An unsuspecting prankee.

Go get him, Tiger!

Hello, My name's Sam.

So, what do you think about
packing the Supreme Court?

What?

Anyway, I have this
extra s'more.

Would you like it?

Sure.

[GASPS] No!

Well, this was weird.

Why didn't you
finish the prank?

I lost my nerve.

Maybe need to practice
in a controlled environment.

Parker, do you mind if I
use you as my test subject?

Sure, prank away.

But remember, you can't
tell me when it's coming.

Got it.

So definitely don't be here at
: , Mountain Standard time.

I guess there are
different kinds of smart.

Okay. Time to help
Auntie Lou,

so we can have the yum
yums ready for dinner.

Purple.

Yeah. Good job.

Now, you remember the
first thing that goes in the pot?

Rabbit sticks.

Rabbit sticks.

Oh, you mean carrots?
How many carrots.

This many.

Well, that is an
absurd amount.

Oh, play time.

All right.
We're done here.

Wait.

Where's the triangle?

I know I laid it
right here.

Jackey got ouchie!

[CRYING HYSTERICALLY]

Oh, no, no, no.
Look at Auntie Lou.

Yay! Whoo.

[CRYING HYSTERICALLY]

Weird. That worked
when you were .

What are you doing? You
can't put those back in here.

Oh, what?

Where am I?

Destiny, I must have been
sleep drum moving again.

It's a real condition.

Don't look it up.

Noah.

[SIGHS] Fine,
I can't take it anymore.

Maybe it's time we just take
them back to the music store.

No, we can't.

Winnie loves these drums.

She'll never forgive us.

Unless we're not
the culprits.

But we have
to do something.

I'm starting to feel
my heartbeat in my eyeballs.

Hey, Sam.
Cool chair.

It's a gift to you
for helping me.

A rocking chair
is a great way to relax

while nothing unexpected
happens to you.

This must be her new prank.

There's probably a whoopee
cushion under the pad.

Act surprised.

Wow, this looks comfortable.

Too bad I have gas.

Ew. TMI.

No, I thought that...
Never mind.

Lemonade?

Oh, lemonade.

I hope this
doesn't taste salty.

Good grief.

That's delicious.

Is that rosemary?

I'm glad you approve.

Maybe it's not a prank.

Can it be she
actually appreciates you?

Hey, don't say like that.

Balloons.

Wow, She really
does appreciate me.

Sam? What's happening?

You just got pranked!

Wait till the gals in the
book club hear about this.

This isn't a prank,

this is dangerous!

PARKER: Whoa!

It's fine. I ran a bunch of
simulations and he'll land safely.

I accounted for everything.

Wind speed, air density,
rate of ascent.

There are no
unfactored variables.

Really? Because that looks like
a flying-V of unfactored variables.

[BALLOONS POPPING]

[SCREAMS][THUDS]

Parker, are you okay?

Totally. Good prank.

I think I just
kissed a goose.

I'm sorry, guys.

I messed up again.

It's okay, Sam.

We can keep trying.

No! I almost seriously
injured Parker.

It was stupid of me
to come here.

I think I missed
my window to be a kid.

I'm never gonna learn
how to make friends.

You kissed a goose?

Okay, technically,
she kissed me.

Oh, no!
What happened to the drums?

What did happen
to the drums?

Acting is harder
than it looks, isn't it?

Oh! Would you look at that?

There's tufts of weasel fur
and visible claw marks.

Just like a real weasel
would leave behind.

Oh, no!

Why would they destroy
something so beautiful.

Seriously, girl. Just come to
one of my weekend workshops.

I know exactly what happened.

You do?

It's all my fault.

I left the bathroom
window open.

That must be how
the weasels got in.

I'm the reason your
amazing gift got destroyed.

It's okay.

I feel terrible.

Yeah, and it's all thanks
to those insensitive weasels.

I'm sure if the weasels
were here now,

they'll tell you
how sorry they were.

It's us, we're the weasels.

I got that.

Okay. You just need
to wear this kid leash

until I can find that triangle
dinner bell and change you back.

I know it's weird, but someone
didn't want to be swaddled.

So here we are.

Jakey go bye-byes.

Okay, this is happening.

Ooh, Jakey wanna play.

No, Jakey, no!

Can't you all see, I am
walking a giant toddler here.

[BANGING]

Shiny.

Bad, Jakey! You can't play with axes
until you're out of a night-time diaper.

No pointy sticks.

Really, Tyson, do we think
this is a good use of our time?

I want it. I want it!

I'm gonna hold
my breath until I get it.

And this is why we no longer
have an eight and under program.

Ooh, drums.

Rectangle.

[GASPS] Yes!
Give me that.

[CLANGS]

Whoa, Lou.
I had the craziest dream.

Jake, is that you?
How old are you?

This many.

Good enough for me?

Wow. It's like I now have every
memory from when I was four.

Will you remember everything?
Even the recipe?

Yeah, I remember that, too.

Let's go.

Seriously, Lou. Are
you this kind of parent?

Hey, Sam, you okay?

What are you reading?

The canine genome.
I'm trying to figure out

what part makes
them man's best friend.

Come on, dogs!

What do you know
that I don't?

Sam, the scientific method
won't help you make friends.

Trust me.
I failed science a lot.

And my prom king speech
was about rising above that.

Don't worry.

You're smart and nice
and super fun.

You're going to make friends.
We promise.

How do you know?

Because you've
already made two of them.

I did?

Yeah, us.

Wow.

Thanks, guys.

That really means a lot.

Oh, and Bill,
your shoe's untied.

Really?

But I'm wearing cowboy boots.

Gotcha.

Perfect execution
of a classic.

I've never been prouder.

The ringing in
my ears is gone,

but it's been replaced
by a huge knot in my stomach.

Me too.

My guilt is tearing up
my insides

more than yesterday's
muskrat gumbo.

Okay, I just want you
all to know

that I plan on
making this up to you.

I'll do extra chores
for a month

and bring you
breakfast in bed.

You don't have to do that.

Hey, hey, hey.

What kind of breakfast
we talking here?

All right, That's enough.

I have a confession.

We destroyed the drum set.

Then why did you get it
for me in the first place?

To give you something
to do by yourself?

Because, honestly, sometimes
counseling can be really tiring

and every once in a while,
I need a break.

You could've just
told me that.

I know. We messed up, and we'll
definitely buy you a new drum set.

An even bigger drum set.

Or the same size drum set.

Well, since we're confessing,

I don't really
like the drums.

You don't?

No.

Drums have all the noise
and expl*si*n

without any the destruction
I've come to enjoy.

Hmm. Maybe you're more
of a bagpipes girl.

You shut your mouth.

I guess we all should have been
honest from the very beginning.

I do love music, though.

I already play guitar.

Just didn't bring mine
to camp, but I miss it.

Destiny!

You wanted to get her
a guitar in the first place.

Isn't that funny?
[CHUCKLING]

Okay, we're not there yet.

That's fine.

I don't want to oversell
what you all are about to eat,

but prepare for the greatest
meal of your lives.

Oh, man.

Food that looks
and smells like food.

It's dinner time, y'all.

Parker, no!

[BELL DINGING]

Pot too heavy for Jakey.

[GROANS]

[CRYING HYSTERICALLY]

Defrosted mound
of brown it is.

There goes dinner.

I was really hungry too.

Would you like to maybe
go outside and make s'mores?

No mashed potatoes
this time, I promise.

[SCOFFS] Nah! Put him in.

Then we have our dinner
and dessert at the same time.

I like you.

Someday you'll be
on the management track.

Thanks, and you can
be my VP of mayhem.

Look at those two new friends.

We did a good job today.

Sure did.

Almost makes it worth it
that I can still taste goose.

Everyone grab a spoon
and get down here.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]