06x17 - Alpaca-lypse Now

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you two. How's it going?

[BOTH GROANING]

That good, huh?

We've been searching
this ranch from top to bottom

for weeks, trying to figure out

what this key from the jade compass is for.

And all we've found is about
building code violations.

Seriously, we should all be
wearing hard hats right now.

Hmm. Hey.

Have you considered that
this key could start a tiny car?

Wow, you cracked it.

I know you said that sarcastically,

but I sense you're considering it.

This key is the next clue

to finding the lost treasure of Dusty Tush.

We have no idea what it opens.

All we have to go on is
the inscription on the side.

B-T-R-O-L?

Hmm. You should ask The Marshal about it.

The Marshal did live here a long time.

He knows the ranch better than anyone.

Exactly. Which is why he's
probably the only person

who can show us where to find that tiny car.

Okay, I'll drop it.

♪ ALL: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Lou, I need your help.

Uh-oh. Why?

Well, at least it's not because

you have your head stuck in something again.

Um, no, because you hid my bucket.

Anyway, next week

is my parents' wedding anniversary.

My mom and momma got married years ago.

Not that I was invited.

Jake, you weren't born yet.

Still stings.

I need to borrow your phone.

For their present, I wanna make a video

to show them how much I've changed

since they sent me to camp
to get away from video games.

Oh, I think that's a great idea.

And, so you won't be tempted,

there aren't any video games
on my phone. [CHUCKLES]

And not because I lack

the tech savviness necessary to download them.

Thanks, Lou. I can't wait

for my moms to see how great
I am at camping and ranching.

First up, milking a horse.

Whoa.

You know what? Maybe I
should supervise this video.

And probably ban you from the stables.

Winnie? I have a problem, and you might be

the only person I can turn to.

Say no more.

First, we have to destroy the evidence.

I'm definitely gonna forget that I heard that.

I'm coming to you because there's
an action movie I wanna audition for.

Why do you need a fake passport for that?

I don't.

You're leaping to some
very disturbing conclusions.

Okay, okay.

I just assumed you needed
my certain set of skills.

I sort of do. The director of this movie

always expects her actors to do their own stunts.

But I'm worried I'm not brave enough for that.

Even though I know everyone
thinks of me as a man of action.

We actually think of you as a man of words.

A lot of words.

Then I'll make this brief.

I need Wild Winnie Webber

to help me overcome my fear,

so I can actually do the stunts in the movie.

Ooh, challenge accepted.

This is gonna be so much easier

than removing your fingerprints with acid.

Who are you?

Remember, The Marshal saw the map

on the back of the ranch deeds,

so he knows we're after the treasure.

Right. Can't let him know the key's a clue.

We have to play it cool.

[SPEAKING FAST] Hey, The Marshal!
So we found this key at the ranch.

Just thought you might recognize it.
But if not no big whoop.

Not important at all. Is that a new shirt?

It is popping!

What's wrong with him?

Unclear. This is new.

We just found this little
key in a kitchen cabinet

and wondered if you knew
what it opened at the ranch.

Hmm.

Looks about the right size to open
an old locked book I found one time.

Ooh, do you know where it is now?

I mean, cool beans, whatever. Not invested.

Well, I still have the book.

It's actually in my window display.

Hey, this wasn't where the
museum was before. Did you move?

Moved. b*rned the old place down
for insurance money. Same thing.

Look at that. The book says...

[READS TITLE]

Do you think that's what the
BTROL on the key stands for?

Big Tush Ranch is what Kikiwaka
Ranch used to be called a long time ago.

This has to be what the key opens.

The Marshal.

How much to buy the book from you?

Hmm.

Well, everyone who knows me

knows I'm a reasonable man.

He knows we know him, right?

So, I'm gonna make you all a deal.

See, I'm working a livestock
auction today, and need some help.

You three work for me,
and I'll give you the book.

Deal! Bill!

We should negotiate for more.

Ha! He said deal.

No take backsies.

And, hey, if that key doesn't
end up opening the ledger,

did you ever think it might belong to a tiny car?

Ah-ha! Thank you. See?

He gets it.

I really wanna show my moms how far I've come.

Ooh. Maybe we can record me

driving the tractor, for the video.

Absolutely not. Too dangerous.

You said the same thing about me

using the time machine in the kitchen.

It's a toaster oven,

and you just made my point for me.

Hey, how about we show your moms

how great you've gotten at arts and crafts?

You can make them one of your amazing paintings.

Well, they know I can paint.

I wanna show them what I've learned.

Like...

I can make friendship bracelets now.

That's a great idea.

You wanna make me a friendship bracelet?

Well, I was thinking I would
make two for my moms.

Also Lou, asking for one is a little thirsty.

Cool, cool.

Okay, and we're recording.

Normally, I like to weave the
bracelet directly onto my friend.

Since my moms aren't
here, can I borrow your wrist?

Sure! I can even help pick the colors.

Not to brag, but I've been the
recipient of many a friendship bracelet.

Okay. But, again,

these are not for you.

You have made that abundantly clear.

All done!

I swear I didn't know the
burgers were possum, Officer.

Check 'em out.

Uh, Jake?

You made friendship handcuffs.

Sweet.

Oh, wait. That wasn't the assignment.

Cut me out of these.

I got a better idea.

I'll go back in time and
stop myself from messing up.

For the last time, it's a toaster oven!

Argh!

Seriously?

Reflexes.

Poor.

Winnie, why did you do that?

If you wanna learn how to do movie stunts,

I need to get a baseline to
see what I'm working with.

Now, let's see how you handle
the giant spider on your back!

Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Relax! There's no spider.

But there is judgment.

Courage.

None.

I just need help getting through
the stunts that are in the movie script.

Last time I checked, there were no
spiders or unexpected dodgeballs.

Any chance the hero gets
sh*t with a cannon in the script?

What? No!

Fine. Lose the cannon, Toby!

Yeah, Toby. Lose the cannon.

And the next time a -year-old
asks you to get them a cannon,

maybe say no!

I'll need you to take care of the livestock

during the auction.

Perfect. I grew up ranching...

Cutting you off right there.

And you, you're gonna fill in for
my auctioneer who's running late.

[CHUCKLES] He may talk real fast,

but he drives real slow.

Perfect. I can do a fast auctioneer voice.

[QUICKLY] One dollar two, bada bing bada boom

with a little poutine, I'm getting
pretty hungry, with a chicken wing

and a little maple syrup, bada bada
bing, and I'm doing pretty good, eh?

Wow, uh, what did you say?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Nothing.
Just made sounds with my mouth.

I am already regretting this offer.

Why am I dressed like this?

I'm planting you in the audience

to drive up bidding during the auction.

This makes you seem like a
wealthy, dignified older woman,

and not some silly camper.

Yeah, because zebra pants
scream that I'm a serious person.

Exactly.

You see, the livestock belong to local ranchers.

But, for running this auction, I
get a percentage of the sales.

So, the bigger the bids,

the bigger the steaks I buy at dinner afterwards.

Cool, so you're buying us steaks?

No. I will be eating multiple steaks.

Are you all seeing this?

Oh. That there is an alpaca.

It's all we're selling today.

Lots of ranchers raise them
for their expensive wool.

Oh, yeah. I used to have a
sweater made of alpaca wool.

Hey, apologies if it was yours.

Honestly, you wear it best.

Okay, y'all. Let's earn some steak money.

I don't know how to take care of alpacas.

What do they even eat?

I'll look it up.

Bill, you just dropped the key.

And the alpaca just ate it.

No!

Well, now we know one thing they eat.

The keys to lost treasure!

Cut it out, alpaca, spit it out!

I fear the next time we
see the key, it will be at...

[IN SINISTER VOICE] The other end.

So, now we have to wait for an alpaca

to poop out our clue to the
lost treasure of Dusty Tush?

Is it just me or does stuff
like this happen every week?

We can't let anyone buy this
alpaca before we get that key back.

We need to stall the
auction until our furry friend,

you know, lets loose its caboose.

Bill.

Ew.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Destiny
and I will sell all the other alpacas

as slowly as possible.

And I'll keep feeding this one.

I know when I get full, I always have to go.

TMI again?

Little bit. You are on a roll.

Okay, Destiny. It's show time.

[IN HEAVY SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, heavens!

Pardon me. Make way, make way.

Old money coming through.

Hello, Dusty Tushians.

Who's ready to buy some alpacas?

We've got to get through, so settle in,

because this could take all day.

Why would this take all day?

Dear, sweet auctioneer,

who I know not personally. [GIGGLES]

Please do tell us every little titbit

about these fine animals, so we
might make informed purchases.

I would hate to buy faux alpaca.

Yes, happy to oblige, Miss?

Uh, Lady Picklesworth.

I didn't amass a fortune from being
thrice widowed just to be called miss.

Here's our first alpaca for auction!

Excellent! I must know

what are its dietary needs, who does their hair,

and where, pray tell, did their parents meet?

I wanna make sure my stock is from good stock.

Note to self.

Hire less dramatic kids next time.

So, I made a list of all the stunts
and I read through the script.

By the way, the ending was super predictable.

I'll pass along the note.

We'll start with when your secret agent character

breaks into the vault, protected by a laser g*n.

Good grief!

Did you leave any red yarn for arts and crafts?

Excellent question.

No.

I don't see a way through this.

I think you think I'm a lot bendier than I am.

Step one of being fearless.

Don't think, just do.

My approach to acting

is a little... Excuse me!

[YELLING] Are we a delicate
flower or are we an actor?

Now get out there,

and dodge those lasers!

Go, go, go, go!

[WHIMPERING] Okay.

[CRASHING]

[OBJECTS SHATTERING]

I, uh...

I may have triggered the alarm.

Ooh, Lou, maybe for the
video, I could show my moms

how I chop wood. [GASPS]

Great idea, is what I would say

if I thought you could actually chop wood.

Come on. I really wanna show them

how outdoorsy I've gotten now
that I'm not playing video games

twenty-seven hours a day.

But there's only hours in a day.

Yeah, but we had a time
machine in our kitchen too.

Sure.

Let's chop some wood.

And action. [PHONE CAMERA BEEPS]

[WHOOSHES AND CHOPS]

And...

Cut.

And that brings us to ,

when this little guy developed an astigmatism.

Ooh, exotic.

Just sell the alpaca.

And talk faster, or I'll take over.

Bill, how we doing?

Nothing yet. Keep stalling for Fuzzywuff.

I'm sorry, Fuzzywuff?

That's right. I named the alpaca.

We've grown close.

All right! Let's start the
bidding on Lot Number .

[IN FAST VOICE] Do I got one cent, bid,

now two, now two, gimme, get three
pennies, who's got three pennies?

No!

The bidding needs to start higher than one cent.

I bid one million dollars.

[ALL GASP] What? [YELPS]

You don't have one million dollars.

Not true.

The Captain left me his
lucrative tug boat business.

Toot toot, my love.

[SCOFFS] That's enough!

Who wants this dang alpaca for bucks?

Great, take it.

On to Lot Number .

No! You can't sell this one.

It ate the key we need to
open the book you're giving us.

Who cares about some dumb,
boring ledger that came from the ranch,

like years ag...

[EMPHATICALLY] Wait a second.

Do you want that ledger

because it has something to do
with the lost treasure of Dusty Tush?

[SCOFFS] Treasure? Wha...

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, that sold it.

I knew it.

I won't make the same mistake I made

giving you the deed with the map on it.

I'll hold on to this alpaca and get the key.

But the alpaca's not yours.

Then, I'll bid on him and win it.

You can't bid on it, and be the auctioneer.

And I won't run the auction for you.

[SCOFFS] So who you gonna get to do it?

[IN FAST VOICE] Hey there.

I'm a real safe driver. Click your ticket.

Seatbelts save lives. Who's
ready to sell some alpacas?

We are running out of objections.

Come out, Noah. Show me how it feels.

[SIGHS]

It feels...

Like the last thing I'll ever do on this earth!

The Winniesonic Jetpack
Version . is totally safe.

It was . that was a little butt melty.

Okay, I don't think I can do this.

You have to. The jetpack chase

is the final scene in the movie.

So, just hit this button, and blast off.

Oh, wait. Not that button.

That's the self-destruct button.

That could have been messy.

Nope, I'm out! I can't do this!

I just need to face it. I'm not
brave enough to do my own stunts.

[CLICKS] [BEEPING]

[BEEPING] Oh, no!

[PANTING] I hit the self-destruct!

Tell my parents I love them!

Relax!

You just hit the button for
the beeps when you back up.

Will you please put some labels on this thing?

I definitely need to show my
moms how I do ranch stuff.

They'd love that.

You know...

This pile of hay really needs to be baled.

Come on, Lou.

Now's not the time for your to-do list.

I need to figure out an activity for my video.

Three, two, one.

[GASPS] Wait. I can bale the hay for my video.

There it is.

You know, the baler is pretty simple to use.

I don't even think you can mess it up.

Well, you messed it up.

You're right. I failed.

Again.

Jake, don't feel bad.

Let's head out to the stables and have
the horses eat us out of this predicament.

And then we'll tackle the
next thing for your video.

No thanks.

I'm done.

I don't wanna show my
mom's. I haven't changed at all.

Jake, Come on. Jake.

Whoa! [THUDS]

Little help.

I'm turtling here.

We can't let The Marshal get that key.

I'll bid against him, since
I'm the most competitive.

Bid against him with what?

Yeah, we have no money.

That's not gonna stop me.

The captain always admired my tenacity.

I might be losing touch with reality.

All interested parties will begin the
bidding on lot number two at $ .

Do I have $ , I have $ ,

one hundred, now $ , looking for $ ,

$ from the gentleman in the pinky rings.

Do I see $ up? We're at $ .

I bid my first ever tiara

from the first ever pageant I was in.

Little Miss Smoked Meats Market.

Uh, not sure what to do with that.

My tiara is priceless.

So I guess that means I win.

What's next? Do we box up the alpaca?

Not so fast.

Two can play at that game.

I bid my baby's first belt buckle.

It's also priceless,

though it did make tummy time real uncomfortable.

I bid my autographed Lizzo poster.

She dotted the heart with an I

and she looks fabulous.

I bid my family's gold mine claim.

Never did find any gold,

but it's a great place to get away
and just be with your thoughts.

Doesn't really top Lizzo. Everybody loves Lizzo.

Fine, I bid

my armadillo sarsaparilla shop.

[ALL GASP]

Priceless to me, but also worth a lot of money.

Help. Got anything to b*at that?

Oh, my parents have the
clippings from my first rattails.

Does that help?

If not, I really regret disclosing
the fact that I had a rattail.

Last bid is accepted. Lot number two
goes to the gentleman in pinky rings.

[WHOOPING TRIUMPHANTLY]

I win. [LAUGHING]

I can't believe this.

Me either, I didn't know you
could use a gavel as an auctioneer.

That's so cool.

Seriously, Parker?

Look, I'm also crushed about losing the key.

Humans have complicated feelings.

[JETPACK BEEPS AND POWERS UP]

Perhaps I should've left that outside.

[JETPACK POWERS DOWN] Noah,
I've thought about some stuff.

I'm not letting you give up on your action movie.

Also, I'm growing out my bangs,

but that's a whole other thing.

Save it, Winnie.

I'm not brave enough.

You're braver than you think.

Do you remember how you felt

the first time you ever got on stage?

I was so nervous. I threw up in Yorick's skull.

[CHUCKLES] I was not invited to the wrap party.

And now you're a working actor.

What about the first time you became

a counselor in charge of campers?

Were you scared then?

Yeah, but being a counselor
was too important to me to give up.

This is important too.

You can't let being afraid get in the way.

Bravery isn't the absence of fear.

It's being scared, but doing things anyway.

I read that on a bumper sticker.

So, what do you say?

I say... [SIGHS]

Let's blast off!

Why are you so far away?

Just in case you hit the self destruct button.

Can we at least put tape over that?

No time. Take to the skies!

Okay. You got this, Noah.

And if you don't,

Noah Rocketman Lambert
will look great on a headstone.

[JETPACK WHIRRING] Yay! Way to go, Noah.

[NOAH SCREAMING]

Uh-oh, I forgot to tell him how to steer.

[CRASHING]

Did you break anything?

No, I think I'm okay.

I was talking about the jet pack.

How's your butt?

Is it melty?

Little bit.

Jake, can we talk?

I know you're upset because your video

didn't go like you thought.

You say you haven't changed at all,

but I know you've changed. A lot.

Are you saying I've changed for the worse?

Messed up, Lou.

What if I said your hair
wasn't as on point as usual?

I know you're in a bit of a "glass-half-empty"

kind of mood, so I'll let that slide.

Sorry.

I'm just upset about being terrible at camp.

Clearly your hair is straight fire.

Jake, you don't need to be great

at camping and ranching.

It's just great that you're
open to trying new things.

That's what your moms are gonna
love to see when they watch this video.

You still think I should send it to them?

Definitely, you should show 'em

everything we sh*t today.

Except maybe the a* part.

That was pretty negligent of me.

Okay, I will.

Thanks, Lou. I feel a lot better.

Ooh, I'm gonna go get my head stuck in something.

You do it on purpose.

None of this would have happened,

if I just wore the key on a chain around my neck.

But I'm just not a jewelry guy.

Well, well, if it isn't the town villain

and the adorable pet, he doesn't deserve.

The alpaca did its business,

and I fished out the key.

[LAUGHS] I would've been here sooner to gloat.

But first I had to wash my hands about times.

I can't believe this is how the hunt ends for us.

Now, for the next clue so I can find

the lost treasure of Dusty Tush. [LAUGHS]

THE MARSHAL: What?

What? Every page is blank.

The ledger's a dead end?

I can't believe I gave up my sarsaparilla shop

for nothing.

Now I'm stuck with a pet alpaca.

Where do you even put
a collar on a neck this tall?

Come on, Fuzzywuff.

I don't understand.

How can an operations ledger be blank?

Also, what is an operations ledger?

This can't be right. There
has to be a clue in here.

Uh, look, the water made
the binding start to come apart.

I think there's something inside

It says, "First National
Bank of Dusty Tush Railway"

"in safety deposit box number ."

The next step of the treasure hunt.

Or maybe the last step.

The treasure could be in the safety deposit box.

No matter what happens,
this worked out for the best,

'cause, none of us had to dig through alpaca poo.

[FAST VOICE] Lot of weird stuff happening here.

Gotta get going. Do you guys validate parking?

Noah. I'm worried that I didn't help you today.

And now you're not going
to audition for that movie

because of me?

No way.

You showed me how brave I really am.

I survived a day with Wild Winnie Webber.

I'm ready to face any fear.

I'm on hold with the casting
director of the movie right now.

Really? That's awesome. I'm proud of you.

[SOFTLY] Wait.

Hello?

Uh, yes.

My name is Noah Lambert, and I
would love to audition for your movie.

Uh-huh.

I see. [LAUGHS]

Okay, I will do that.

So?

She said, I could just email
them an audio recording.

Turns out, it's an animated movie.

[YELLS] What?

Now it makes a lot more sense

that my character is a talking seal.