06x18 - The Wicked Switch of the West

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Jake, you're just in time for s'mores.

I am never eating s'mores again.

Ever since I found out marshmallows are alive.

You monsters.

Wait. You think marshmallows
are living creatures?

Yes. Look, I found their babies.

I know you're wrong, but...

You've still ruined this for me.

Hey, great news. The Kikiwaka Ranch
website is just about ready to launch.

So you finally fixed our Wi-Fi issues?

If by fixed, you mean paid a guy named Shady Joe

to patch us into the town's
Internet, then, yeah. Mama's a fixer.

Whatever. Will be nice to have some actual bars

on my phone instead of just
a string of question marks.

And to promote the new website,

I'm gonna do a live stream
from camp tomorrow night.

And you want me to host it? I'm flattered, but...

[CHUCKLES] I'm not surprised.

[CHUCKLES] You're also wrong.

I'll host it, right after I get back and
get my hair and makeup done in town.

Wait, Dusty Tush has a beauty parlor.

It's called the Pretty Horsy Salon.

They specialize in ponytails, or ponies tails.

Either way, they're cheap.

I got you, boss.

I'll plan a fun, camp wide
activity to get everyone in the spirit

before we go live on the
Internet for the world to see.

I'm just hoping you don't burn the
place to the ground while I'm gone.

If we're being honest, I am too.

Hey, if it's ideas for
activities, that Parker wants,

I have a ton of great ones.

Let me guess. They all involve

an unreasonable amount of danger

and an equally unreasonable lack of safety.

What can I say? I have a brand.

Look, as your counselor,
I am responsible for your safety,

and there's a ton of fun things we can
do here without potentially losing a limb.

Big deal. They grow back.

No, they don't.

For the last time. Humans are not starfish.

You have got to stop hanging around Jake.

Now's your chance. Fly! Be free.

See what I mean.

[ALL:] ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪♪

All right. Time for some morning announcements.

Who's ready for some sick camp-fo-tainment?

Wha-what?

All right. Check this out.

[EXHALES]

[ALL CHEERING]

Don't worry, Parker. Someday,

they'll appreciate you for your mind.

Okay. First ups.

Few things Lou wants us to get through.

Uh, blah, blah, blah. Not safe to eat.

Blah, blah, blah, wolverines in the boathouse.

You know what? Let's skip to my great idea.

[CLIPBOARD CLATTERING]

It is my pleasure to
announce the camp's first ever

Switcheroo Day.

What's a Switcheroo Day?

Ooh, I know.

We have to wear shirts as
pants, and pants as shirts.

Not even close. Not sure why you went there.

It's where the counselors
and the campers switch places.

It's the campers turn to be in charge.

It's gonna be a ton of fun.

Or a vehicle for revenge.

Guess we'll find out together.

But our cabin has two campers.

How do we decide who's gonna be counselor.

I got it. We'll flip a coin.

Okay. Call in the... Heads!

Belly button.

Bill wins.

So, who am I gonna switcheroo with?

Hey, why don't you switch with
me and be activities director?

I'll supervise, of course, because...

Well, you think a coin has a belly button?

Awesome. Can we_

We will not wear pants as shirts. Let it go.

So I get to be your counselor.

Huh? And we have to do anything I want.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] That is
what Parker said without consulting me first.

Perfect.

Luckily, I have a whole
list of ideas ready to go.

No crimes.

Then I have a half list of ideas ready to go.

Hey, Destiny. How's 'Switcheroo Day' treating you?

Well, I'm meeting Winnie here to play

something called, "Dueling Fire Extinguishers."

So what do you think?

I think now is a bad time to tell you

that I also switcherooed the nurse with the chef.

Luckily, I happen to have a very clever plan

to teach Winnie the consequences

of her dangerous behavior. Hmm.

Well, if anyone does get hurt,

I hope it can be fixed with
some oatmeal and a cleaver.

Sorry, it took me a long time

to find two fire extinguishers
that weren't empty.

Most of them just say, "For decoration only."

I love this camp.

So how exactly do we play
'Dueling Fire Extinguishers'?

She said, terrified of the answer.

All right, we stand back-to-back
and on the count of three,

we turn and bless each other with these bad boys.

First person to beg for mercy is the loser.

Oh, so just like how we decide who showers first.

On the count of three.

One...

Two...

[SHOUTS] Ow!

I dropped this very heavy fire
extinguisher on my sweet innocent foot.

Curse us.

Oh, no. Destiny, I'm so sorry.

Do you think it's broken?

Now that you say that, I do think it's broken.

Heck, for all I know, it's double broken.

That's a thing, right?

Oh, my gosh. Okay.

Don't move. I'm gonna fix you right up.

I have a lot of experience making my own casts.

I just hope this camp has enough chewing gum.

Wait. Did you say chewing
gum? I have follow-up questions.

So what are you thinking we should
do today, Mr. Activities Director.

Glad you asked.

Butterfly races. I'll go get the saddles.

That was my fault for asking
an open-ended question.

What about a sport?

I'm not very good at sports.

On my basketball team, they
made me sideline inspector.

Why not benchwarmer?

I tried that. I kept falling off the bench.

So no sports.

Keeping thinking while I put away these plates.

Oh, I got it, bro.

Come on. We've gotta think
of something amazing I can do.

Gee, that was amazing.

You think so? I can do lots of stuff like that.

I just thought it was a way to do my chores

without having to get up
from playing video games.

Whatever. It's incredible.

Dude, this can be your activity.

You can teach campers to do trick sh*ts.

Okay, and after we saddle up
some butterflies and take to the skies!

Or maybe just trick sh*ts.

Hey, Noah. You ready for
the switcheroo, my buckaroo?

Oh, I'm ready, all right.

Hmm. What exactly am I looking at?

I'm throwing myself into my new role as camper.

I even have a sympathetic
backstory. Wanna hear it?

Don't know why I ask,
'cause I'll tell you anyway.

It all started with a shipwreck.

[NOTIFICATION BELL DINGS-♪]

Ooh, saved by the bell.

Oh, no.

You okay? What's wrong?

My mom says, my first acting
teacher, Mrs. Jenkins, just passed away.

I can't believe she's gone.

I'm really sorry, Noah.

Thanks.

Uh, I think I'm gonna go get changed.

I don't really feel like
wearing a costume, right now.

Noah, I'm really impressed.

Even after your bad news, you still wanna
take part in the switcheroo.

Of course, campers always come first.

Although, in this case

you're a counselor and I'm a camper, so...

I think we're stuck in a loop.

Well, I know staying busy will help you
keep your mind off your teacher passing away.

When my first horse buddy d*ed,
I buried myself in ranch chores.

And it really helped.

To this day, whenever I watch a sad movie,

I gotta go milk something.

Well, it's definitely worth a try.

And hey, I've already been super productive.

I collected these eggs from all the chickens.

Um, how? Those are roosters.

Then what's in my bag?

I don't know but do not eat them.

Sorry, I guess I'm a little out of it right now.

But I'm committed to my role as camper.

And as Mrs. Jenkins always
used to say, "The show must go on."

She also used to say, "Noah,
the show is over, get off the stage."

I'm gonna miss that cranky lady.

Hey, I know.

Uh, let's feed the pigs.
Can you hand me that bag?

Mrs. Jenkins loved bags.

She always used to hit me with one,

when I wouldn't get off the stage.

And to be clear, we miss her?

I'm so sorry I got you hurt.

Is the bubble gum cast I made helping?

Oh, so much.

Man, I really messed up today.

It's okay. I just hope now you understand
the consequences of your actions.

I do. And why you have all that gray hair?

What?

But, don't worry. I found a fun and safe activity

that won't give you any more wrinkles.

Again, what?

Ooh, my activity is relaxing in bed
with a book and some lemonade.

Well... [CLICKS TONGUE] If you insist.

Anything for my campers.

I do insist. Because of me, you're injured.

I won't let that ever happen again.

Ah! Nice and cool.

Wait, is it too cold?

Do you have a brain freeze? What was I thinking?

Ooh, I'll warm it up for you in my armpit.

Uh, when you warmed up my pizza for me,

it wasn't this, right?

Just sit back, relax and enjoy your book.

Your book with razor sharp pages
that could give you paper cuts.

Do I have a death wish for you?

I'll run the book under the
faucet to soften the edges.

And that was my diary.

Goodbye, irreplaceable memories.

Okay, campers.

Today we are going to be learning trick sh*ts.

Take it away, Mr. Activities Director.

Welcome to Jake Jacobs sh**t sh*ts.

Yeah, should have workshopped that.

You two look a little thirsty.

Thirsty for this sweet bottle flip.

[EXCLAIMING]
[CHUCKLES]

Uh-oh, Jake. Did someone spill something earlier?

Parker, we did. To set up this next trick sh*t.

No, I know. I was just... Proceed.

And now to throw away the trash,

or make that kick away the trash.

[PARKER LAUGHS]

I can't believe that just happened.

Seriously, I did it for you earlier.

What is wrong with you today?

No, I know. I was just... Proceed.

[CELLPHONE RINGING-♪]

Parker Preston, nailing it per yoozh.

Hey, Parker, I'm running behind

at what most certainly is a horse
groomers and not a beauty salon.

This Palomino ahead of me is getting
a blowout, and she is taking forever.

[HORSE NEIGHS]
Yeah. You heard me, Jelly Bean.

You're going to a petting zoo, not the Oscars.

Parker, you're gonna have to
kick off the live stream without me.

I won't let you down.

I realize I say that a lot, but this
time I'm hoping it plays out differently.

Just think of something great to
kick it off. I'll be there as quick as I can.

If I apologize to Jelly Bean,
maybe she'll give me a lift.

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Ooh, never mind. She's
still angry. I'll get a taxi.

Yo, Jake.

Do you think you can come up with, like,
a truly epic trick sh*t by the end of the day?

Does this awesome grape
catch answer your question?

[TEETH CRACKING]

Oops, that was a marble.

My tooth hurts.

Come on, Destiny. Let's ride like the wind!

[YELLS] Yee-haw!

Sure.

[UNENTHUSIASTICALLY] Yee-haw.

You know, when you suggested horseback riding,

I thought there'd be more
horses and riding and less...

Whatever this is.

You can't ride real horses.

You could fall off and get hurt.

But, we're sitting here on
unfinished wood. I mean...

What if we get splinters?

Oh, my gosh, you're totally
right. What was I thinking?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Immediately regretting that splinter comment.

Winnie, I think you're
being a little too careful.

If you're this safe, it's gonna
be a pretty boring summer.

Not true, I'm gonna spend it
making us bubble wrap jumpsuits.

Functionally safe, but fashionably dangerous.

Winnie, I didn't even get hurt, okay?

I faked my injury.

Wait, you did? Why?

To teach you a lesson about safety,

but it blew up in my face worse than
that time you put dynamite in our toilet.

Well, it doesn't matter.

You still could have gotten hurt.

Now I understand how scared I made you feel

when I did all those dangerous things.

I'm never gonna make you feel that way again.

Winnie, don't say that.

I don't want you to change.

Trust me. It's for your own good.

Now I'm going to get us some helmets.

Caution accepted!

Can't believe I'm saying this,

but I gotta make Winnie wild again.

Mustang cabin is going through something.

Okay, let's move it along, people!

In sooth, good morrow, fellow.

That's not how I sound, is it?

Since ranch tours didn't
take your mind off being sad,

I thought we should do something you like to do.

Like...

A Shakespearean puppet show.

Mrs. Jenkins gave me this puppet.

[SNIFFS]

Yes, It still smells like old lady perfume.

Hey, I know.

Why don't we switch gears and
pretend we're in a sci-fi movie?

Uh, this can be my laser blade,

and, uh, this can be your blaster.

You mean improv?

Mrs. Jenkins was the most naturally
gifted improviser ever next to Wayne Brady.

Never mind, no improv.

That's what everyone said to Mrs. Jenkins and me

when we performed together at the mall.

I got it. Why don't you, uh, play
me a song on your trombone?

Mrs. Jenkins' maiden name was Horn. [CRYING]

[BLOWS NOSE]

Well, that couldn't have gone worse.

I guess I should just change out of this.

Although, pantaloons are surprisingly comfy.

Mmm, yeah.

Hey, I'm almost done danger-proofing our cabin.

Do you think our toilet
needs one seatbelt or two?

I guess it depends on what's for dinner.

Look, I know you've sworn off anything dangerous,

so I came up with the perfect activity for us.

I bet we're thinking the same thing.

Dodge Pillow.

Winnie, that's ridiculous.

Ugh, you're right. Too dangerous.

Memory foam runs hot.

Actually, what I'm thinking of involves helmets,

flotation devices and sunscreen.

[GASPS] Whoa!

That's the trifecta of safety.

Trust me. You are going to love this.

I hate this!

What if something happens?

Yes, what if something does happen.

Well, that's a terrifying
way to answer a question.

Are those rapids up ahead?

[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, no! I didn't plan for this.

She said, having planned for this.

You took us here on purpose?

What is wrong with you? I had to do it.

You've gone way overboard
with the safety precautions.

Don't say overboard.

Uh-oh.

Are those jagged rocks?

Were those a part of your plan too?

No. But to be fair, I didn't think this through.

Plus the part where you thank
me for getting your groove back.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

You are turning out to
be a very difficult camper.

Look, I just thought that if I got you out

on the rapids, you'd remember who you really are.

Wild Winnie Webber and not some
safety freak who carpeted our shower.

All I know is that I am more scared
than I've ever been in my entire life.

[WINNIE GRUNTS AND GASPS]

And you know what?

I love it.

Woo-hoo!

Wild Winnie Webber's back, baby.

It worked.

I'd celebrate if I wasn't afraid for my life!

I'll get us through this. Hold on!

Uh, Winnie?

You're aiming us towards the very sharp rocks.

Sure am.

Come and get us, you pointy jerks.

I definitely didn't think this through.

Hey! Have you seen Jake?

He's supposed to walk
me through his big trick sh*t.

Nope. Can't help you.

Seems like I can't help anyone today.

Hey, who peed in your cereal?

I mean, other than the family of
muskrats that moved into the kitchen.

It's about Noah.

His first acting teacher just passed away.

And I've been trying all day to distract
him with activities so he doesn't feel sad.

But it's not working.

I'm sure he appreciates you trying to help.

But, maybe distracting him from his feelings

isn't the best way to help him through this.

Why not? It worked for me
in the past when I feel sad.

Well, everyone grieves in different ways.

For you, it was keeping busy, but
for Noah, maybe it's talking it out.

I never thought about that.

I'll leave you guys to it, but
seriously, do not eat the cereal.

Mrs. Jenkins loved cereal. [CHUCKLES]

Used to carry it around loose in all those bags.

Birds and squirrels loved her.

What kind of cereal did she like?

Oh, all kinds. She used
to put orange juice in it.

Oh, gross.

Yeah, I know.

Especially because she
poured it right into the bags.

Tell me more about her.

Really? Mrs. Jenkins was the best.

She was the first person
to ever cast me in a play.

She also was the first person

to yell at me for stealing focus.

Which you still kind of do sometimes.

Hey, it's not my fault I'm more
interesting than everyone else.

Thanks, Bill.

This is really nice.

Anytime.

Wanna go get some orange
juice cereal in Mrs. J's honor?

I do not.

Okay, for this next trick sh*t,

I'm gonna jump onto the seesaw

which will send that log flying into the air.

Then I'll use that candle to light an arrow.

I'll sh**t the log, which
will land in the fire pit

and light our campfire.

How's that for epic?

Dude, kids sh**ting flaming arrows?

This could go viral in so
many ways, some of them good.

This is the perfect way
to kick off our live stream.

Wait. Live stream?

Yeah. Yo, you can start setting up now.

I better get into makeup.

I do not need the Internet seeing
that I haven't been exfoliating.

I can't be on the live stream.

My mom sent me to camp
to get away from technology.

I wouldn't feel right
being all over the Internet.

But, Jake, we have over , people

in our waiting room right now.

All because I promised we're going to
start this thing off with an epic trick sh*t.

Sorry. I really wish I could help,
but I'm not ready to be famous.

It's too soon in my spiritual journey.

Jake, we were gonna throw a
party when you nail this thing.

Look, I got you a cake and everything.

Okay, I found you a cake,
but it's the thought that counts.

Are those teeth marks? Yeah,
whatever. We'll just cut around them.

Look, the live stream's about to start.

Can you teach me how to do this trick sh*t?

Absolutely. Really?

No way. Good luck.

Oh, no. I'm on.

Howdy, and welcome to
the Kikiwaka Ranch, Internet.

Even those of you that got here by accident.

Looking at you, Nana .

No, we don't know where your glasses are.

Try the top of your head.

Anyway,

I'm Parker Preston,

and this is how we kick off
campfire around these parts.

[SIGHS] Ready, set...

Lift-off!

Okay, who wants to see a back flip?

I got here as fast as I could.

Did you start the live stream...
Whoa, look at that log. [ALL GASP]

I'm live right now, aren't I?

Yes.

By the way your hair looks delicious.

Lou, I wanna apologize for ruining
the live stream, and the website launch.

And your hair and the cake.

Oh, wait. That last one was you,

and I forgive you.

Thanks. I still have icing up my nostrils.

I'm gonna be smelling buttercream all summer,

which I'm not mad about.

Well, you're in a better
mood than I thought you'd be.

I'm actually in a good mood
because despite your best efforts,

the website launch was a huge success.

Turns out your botched trick sh*t went viral.

[READING] "Clueless camp owner takes the cake"

Whoa! Look how many views.

So I guess I did a good job, after all.

You completely messed up
everything I asked you to do.

Didn't burn down the
camp. Still calling it a win.

So how did 'Switcheroo Day' go for you guys?

My counselor identified a
problem, made adjustments,

and helped his camper through
a really tough, emotional struggle.

I'd definitely give him an "A".

Hmm. What about you?

Well, as camper, I lied to my counselor,

made her change her personality completely,

then tricked her into going
down some deadly rapids.

So, "B-plus"?

I'm just glad everything worked out.
And I got my Wild Winnie Webber back.

And that's a good thing?

It has its ups and downs.

Can you guys move? I'm
trying to bungee jump here.

Mostly downs.

Hold on, Winnie. Let me get the bubble wrap.

♫♫