06x19 - No Pain, No Grain

[bunniefuu]

Well, that about wraps up
today's counselor meeting.

And remember, if one of your campers

gets bit by a snake, no
matter how tempting it is,

do not suck the venom out yourself.

What is tempting about that?

Hmm. Depends on the kind of venom.

Some of that stuff tastes
like orange soda, you know.

Why would I know that?

Why would anyone know that?

Oh, and Parker, before you go,

it's time we discussed a problem
at the ranch that's long overdue.

Oh. Are we finally getting a drinking fountain

that doesn't leave directly
from the horse trough?

Easy, partner. This is a ranch

on an all-inclusive resort.

I know you haven't had your own
place to stay at camp all summer,

and it hasn't been easy for your cabin hopping.

Yeah, sleeping on the hay bales

and the barn was the last straw.

Especially after the goats ate the last straw.

Well, since you've had so much fun

sleeping on the floor of Coyote cabin,

I've decided to add an extra bed in there

so you can stay there the rest of the summer.

Really? Parker can officially
be the fourth Coyote?

This is amazing.

Lou, I appreciate the offer.

But I have been thinking about this,

and I have an even better idea

of where I can stay.

The abandoned grain silo!

Yes. Why would you want to live with your friends

when you can be in a giant
empty can with no plumbing?

Well, if you wanna spend your free time

fixing up the silo to be a livable space,

then that's your own weird journey.

In the meantime, all that talk earlier

really has me craving some snake venom.

Oh, my gosh; Just let me
buy you some orange soda.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪

Hey, Winnie, can I play tether ball

when you're done murdering it?

No, I'm just excited. When I get excited

I like to hit things over and over really hard.

I think I'll talk from over here.

What are you so excited about?

Is that a Wild Winnie I see?

I'm excited about them.

Better you than me.

Winnie, I've missed you.

I can't believe you guys are here.

Jake, meet my brother, Wayne,
and his boyfriend, Nicholas.

Winnie, I have two very important questions.

What are we blowing up?
And how soon can we do it?

Uh, everything. And now.

Uh, please. And thank you.

Let me guess. This guy is the brother.

Oh, no. This is Nicholas.

That's my brother.

Have you ever seen so many excellent samples

of animal droppings before?

It's like a smorgasbord of scat.

We'll shake hands later.

Wayne's studying to become a veterinarian.

I'm actually specializing in livestock care,

and judging by this, you have
a lot of great animals here.

I don't know what you're feeding them,
but that's a perfect mound of brown.

Thanks, bro. You just ruin % of the meals here.

I can give you a tour of
all our animals if you want.

That would be great. Thanks, Jake.

We'll start with the sheep.

Little known fact. If you ask a
sheep, "Have you any wool?"

They will not say, "Yes, sir.
Yes, sir." "Three bags full."

Also little known fact.

Wherever a person named
Mary is, a lamb is sure to go.

I don't get it.

Yeah, sure. Let's start with the sheep.

So, Winnie, I have a question.

Fine. We can blow something up.

Let me see if the outhouse is empty.

No. I want to propose to Wayne today.

And I came here to get your blessing.

Ah! I'm so excited. I need two tether balls.

I'll take that as a yes.

Are you kidding? This is my dream come true.

But you know he hogs the bathroom, right?

Yes, and I don't care.

Oh, my gosh, it is true love.

So how are you going to propose?

Well, I want to do something
small and intimate for Wayne.

Ooh! Maybe using an animal from the ranch.

And I want it to be perfect
because Wayne is perfect for me.

Ooh. You should set up a
candlelit dinner in the stable.

It's quiet and private and not to brag,

but I could arrange to get us the corner stall.

Weird flex, but okay.

And remember, you have to
keep this a secret from Wayne.

[SCOFFS] Come on. What do I look like?

Um, a girl who's really bad at keeping secrets.

That is a fair description.

Uh, Bill, I couldn't help but notice

that you filled your tray
with a whole lot of nothing.

Huh. I thought it was tasting a little bland.

Is everything okay?

Sorry, I'm just in the middle
of sheep shearing season,

which means I'm up for work before sunrise

and I don't go to bed until...

Wait. Have I been forgetting to go to bed?

Bill, you're a camper. You don't
need to be doing ranch tours.

We have workers for that stuff.

Lou, those guys don't know what they're doing.

Sheep shearing is an art.

I'm Picasso, and they're
the guys on the boardwalk

that draw you with really big teeth.

I'm gonna grab some food.

Poor guy is so exhausted he can't
even tell he put his shirt on backwards.

How did he even do the buttons at the back?

Is he like triple jointed?

Bill, I think you might be a little overworked.

What makes you say that?

Well, you came back with
just a packet of ketchup.

So what?

I like the tang.

You know, maybe it's
time you took a little break.

Look, I'm not stressed, and I'm not overworked.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need
to go collect some goat eggs.

Yes, I heard it.

But I'm still going to exit with confidence.

Hey, thanks again for letting
me crash with you guys,

though someone could have
warned me about Bill's sleep toots.

The kid eats beans two out of every three meals.

What do you need? A warning label?

Wow, you packed up an
entire box with just your shoes?

Oh, no, this is just the B's.

Boots, bunny slippers, baby sneakers.

I mean, yes, just one box for all my shoes.

Wow. This grain silo must be pretty awesome

to take you away from a summer with the Coyotes.

You're going to miss out on
Jake's weekly broga sessions.

It's like yoga, but for bros.

You know, it sounded like
more of a selling point in my head.

The silo does need some TLC.

But once you see it, I think you'll agree.

It has a ton of potential.

So what do you think?

I think you don't know what potential means.

We've got a eucalyptus oil diffuser,
spa water, rechargeable candles.

I think this is really gonna help Bill relax.

Now, all we need is Bill.

Where are my ding-dang clothes?

When I got out of the shower,

the only thing I found in my drawer

was a note telling me to come to Mustang cabin

in a robe that is clearly a child's small.

Bill, welcome to your day of self-care.

We're here for all of your
overworked cowboy needs.

[CLANGS-♪]

What I need are my pants.

I've never showed this much shin before.

It's uncouth.

Just relax and enjoy the spa day of your dreams.

Now allow me to demonstrate.

First some cucumber slices to
hydrate the eyes and reduce puffiness.

Then some soothing spa music
to bring down the blood pressure.

[♫ - SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING - ♫]

Can music actually lower blood pressure?

I don't know. I'm too relaxed to look it up.

You call this relaxing?

Vegetables on your face with
your shins flapping in the breeze?

You know what? Let's try a sheet
mask to rejuvenate the senses.

[SCREAMING]

What?

Sorry, guys, but I will not be
doing any of these dumb things.

If you need me, I will be shearing sheep

in pants because I'm a gentleman.

Hmm. Looks like Bill's going to be a
tougher nut to cr*ck than we thought.

We're gonna have to turn things up a notch.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, I forgot you were wearing that thing.

Thanks again for showing me the animals, Jake.

You bet, and sorry for falling
asleep in the middle of the tour.

Once I start counting sheep, it's game over.

Now that we have a minute, I feel like

you're the right person
to lead in on a little secret.

I knew it. You're not a
veterinarian. Who do you work for?

That's not it; At all.

I came here this weekend because
I'm going to propose to Nicholas.

Oh, man, that's awesome.

What are going to propose to him?

-Seriously?
-Don't worry.

It'll come to you. Continue, friend.

Well, I came to Kikiwaka because I
wanna surprise Nicholas and Winnie.

She means so much to me and I
want her to be a part of the big moment.

And because it's Nicholas,
it's got to be big and epic.

Any ideas?

Oh. You should take him to Dead Skunk Gulch.

If the views don't take your
breath away, the epic smell sure will.

Oddly, that sounds great.

Nicholas loves to play "What Animal Dealt That"?

Do you think you could get him and
Winnie to the spot in time for the proposal?

Of course.

And I can't wait to hear what
you're going to propose to him.

This is why I'm not studying
to become a people doctor.

Hey, bro, nice to see you,
nothing to tell you, bye.

Okay.

[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
♪ I have a secret ♪

[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
♪ So do I ♪

♪ 'll say mine first. ♪

♪ I like talking like this. ♪

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Okay, here's my secret.

Nicholas is proposing to
Wayne in the stable tonight.

Um, that can't be your secret,
because that's my secret.

Except flipped.

Wayne's proposing to
Nicholas at the Gulch tonight.

Wait. What?

And Wayne wants you to be there
because you mean so much to him.

But he also wants you to be surprised.

Aw! But still what?

My brother and his boyfriend
are going to propose each other

at the exact same time in
two completely different places.

[SIGHS]
-Oh, boy! Been there.

They're proposing marriage.

Oh. Then I have not.

We both were sworn to secrecy.

So how do we fix this
without ruining the surprise?

I've got it. First we built the camp.

Then we change our names
to Dolores and Chuck Merriweather.

Than we hop in a yacht and sail
away to the Galapagos Islands,

where we'll make a fortune raising seahorses.

That will never work.

I look nothing like a Chuck.

How about this? We convince Wayne and Nicholas

to move their proposals to the same spot.

And then they can propose at the same time.

That's a great idea, Chuck.

Ooh, you're right.

That name does not work for you at all.

I don't know about you, but I think
this place is cleaning up quite nicely.

Yeah, I really dig the...

What, would you call it? Spider web chic?

Come on. The spiders aren't even that bad.

[EXCLAIMS]
That's a big one!

Anyway... home sweet home.

Are you sure you want to live
here? We can still fit you in our cabin.

No. Fixer-upper's perfect.

After all, there's nothing I love
more than a good DIY project.

Since when?

Last summer, you lived in a triple decker RV

that had a helipad and a bowling alley.

You're not exactly a property brother.

Dude, this place is gonna be amazing.

You just got to have vision.

I'm gonna put the bed right there.

Mini fridge right there.

[CLATTERING]

The sheet metal over there.

[CLUNKING]

The random grain-fall is
also an interesting feature.

Or if you look at it another way,
this place comes with free breakfast.

I do not look at it that way.

Ah, Bill, you've returned to
continue your day of self-care.

[GONG CLANGS-♪]

No. I came here to find Lou
because I can't find my sheep shears.

Oh, what a sheer tragedy.

You took them?

Well, now you're making me feel sheepish.

-Please stop.
-I don't think I can.

Uh-uh. You only get them back
if you give self-care another sh*t.

Fine. Nothing can be worse
than wearing a robe in public.

This is worse.

Well, a mani-pedi is the ultimate way to unwind,

and now that your feet
had been thoroughly bathed,

it's time to get rid of those calluses.

I worked hard for these calluses.

My boots aren't even going to recognize me.

Now, before I start, I
should ask. Are you ticklish?

Of course not.

Cowboys aren't ticklish.

[GIGGLES]

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

I might be a little ticklish.

Wow, Lou, that's a lot of eucalyptus oil

from the diffuser, and it's really concentrated.

You smell like a koala threw up on you.

Yeah. I'm not gonna lie.

It's burning my nose real bad.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I tried it, but self-care isn't for me.

Cowboys just aren't into
being pampered like this.

What are we gonna do about him?

I don't know. But we're not gonna talk about it

until you've scrubbed your
skin off with that pumice stone.

[COUGHS] Yeah, it's so strong

I can smell it with my mouth.

Okay. Commence operation

"Get Wayne and Nicholas to move their wedding"

"proposal spots to the same location."

That's what you're calling the plan?

My name is Jacob Jake Jacobs.

A talent for naming things,
does not run in my family.

Hey, Nicholas, I need to
talk to you about something.

sh**t. Unless you're armed with a slingshot.

In which case, let me get mine.

No. You know how I said you
should propose to Wayne in the stable?

Yeah, I'm super excited to.

We can't do that anymore.

Oh. Why not?

Because it's on fire.

Oh, no. Should we go help?

No. Did I say fire? I meant it's... been booked.

Someone booked your stable?

Was it a horse?

Yes.

And Lightning's bar mitzvah is gonna go off.

-So, where exactly should I propose?
-Yes. Good question.

Since you want it to be private and
intimate, may I suggest the Great Lawn?

Really? It seems pretty public and viewable.

Also, for some reason, it reeks of eucalyptus.

Oh, I know you want this to be perfect,
but if you don't do it, I'll cry and throw a fit

and maybe even change my
name to Dolores Merriweather,

the famous Seahorse Queen of the Galapagos.

Okay, fine.

The Great Lawn will work.

Although I do like Dolores for you.

Hey, man, will you move your
proposal to the Great Lawn?

Sure.

Whew! That was rough.

Was it?

Wait. All of those boxes are shoes?

Oh, no, this is just D through F.

This box right here is nothing but espadrilles.

I have a sickness.

I gotta admit, now that this place is all
cleaned up, it's not as bad as I thought.

I can see the potential.

See, what did I tell you? There's
absolutely nothing wrong with this place.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

He's blocking the doorway. What do we do?

We hide. He looks like a tiny, evil Zorro.

Okay. Now what?

We just stay hunkered down here

until the raccoon loses interest and leaves.

Uh, quick raccoon update.
He has not lost interest.

He is now tearing through a box labeled "M".

What? You stay away from my moccasins,

you dirty little trash panda!

I'm so bummed we
couldn't get Bill into self-care.

I'm sorry. I can't even
focus on what you're saying.

Did you shower?

Yeah, three times.

Although I probably shouldn't
have used that eucalyptus soap.

♫ ♫

♫ ♫
Wait. Where's that music coming from?

The barn?

Okay, I get it.

[EXHALES] My shins feel so free.

Uh, Bill, what's going on here?

I, uh, dropped a salad on my face.
♫

Well, that was weird.

I know. I just can't get used to
the whole robe with boots look.

Okay. All I have to do is walk out there,

act surprised when the proposals happen,

and it'll be like neither of
us ever spilled the secret.

And if anything goes wrong,

I've decided I can pull off a Chuck.

It's all about the... [SNAPS
FINGERS] ...attitude.

[BLEATING]
[WINNIE:] There's Nicholas.

I can't wait to see the look on Wayne's face

when he sees that cute little
sheep with a ring around its neck.

And I can't wait to see the look on
Nicholas's face when Wayne proposes

by lighting up the sky with fireworks.

Hey, guys, I have a surprise for you

and your sheep.

Oh, here it goes.

[FIREWORKS EXPLODING] Wait.
Do sheep like fireworks?

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[WINNIE:] No!
-I guess not.

I've gotta work on having these thoughts earlier.

Easy girl.

Wayne, stop the fireworks.
They're scaring the sheep.

I can't. They're on a timer.

And will you forget about the sheep?

I want to ask you something very important.

Well, I want to ask you something very important.

But I can't because the sheep
is wearing the engagement ring.

Engagement ring? You're proposing to me?

But I'm proposing to you.

Wait. What?

I had a whole plan worked out with Winnie.

I had a whole plan worked out with Jake.

Also, how is the sheep wearing a ring?

They don't have fingers.

-Winnie?
-Jake?

I think we'd better learn
how to raise sea horses.

Sheep! Come back here so I can propose to Wayne!

Nicholas, come back so I can propose to you!

Guys, come back so I can
watch you propose to each other!

Come on, Jake, we have to help.

Oh. But I want to stay for the grand finale.

Quit being me.

[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]

Oh, hey, guys, I was just heading out,

trying to get back to more sheep stuff.

Not so fast, Pickett.

What was going on back there in the barn?

Barn? What barn?

I didn't even know we had a barn.

Also do you smell koalas?

Knock it off, Bill.

We saw you relaxing and
recharging like your life depended on it.

Enough of your lavender infused lies.

Okay, fine.

I didn't realize it until today,
but it turns out I do like all that stuff.

The resting, the deep breathing,
even the stupid tickly music.

I have a weakness for wellness.

So then why'd you say it was dumb?

Because it's not tough to pamper yourself.

No cowboy would be caught
dead taking time off to unwind.

We spend the day hurting our
cows, not burning our brows.

Nice beauty reference.

Thank you.

Bill, taking care of your own
mental and emotional health

is a huge sign of strength. Everyone needs it.

Really? Yes.

You should be proud that
you're taking time for yourself.

But there's so much that I want to accomplish.

And it'll be that much easier if you're
making sure you're filling up your own cup first.

I never thought about it that way.

Thanks, guys.

Anytime.

Bring it in.

Sorry. You smell like a human cough drop.

Cool, cool.

What do we do now?

Maybe if we wave a white flag
and surrender, he'll let us go.

[YELPS]

It seems our terms have been rejected.

Parker, I think it's pretty obvious
this is no place for you to live.

Oh, come on, it's just one scared raccoon.

It's not like he's trying to hurt us.

Okay. Maybe he is trying to hurt us

with my beloved shoes.
Which just hurts even more.

Just give up on the grain silo already.

Do you really hate me and the Coyotes that much?

What? What are you talking about?

You've been doing everything
possible today to avoid living in our cabin.

It really hurts my feelings.

Noah, I would love to live with you guys.

But the truth is, you're
crushing it as a counselor.

[RACCOON CHITTERING]
Go on.

Coyote cabin is your show.

And if I moved in there, it would
basically be like having two counselors.

I didn't even think about that.

I just thought it'd be fun
hanging out with my friends more.

Noah, we're always going to hang out.

You and I are best friends till the end.

No matter where we live.

But Coyote cabin is your cabin,

and I would never take that away from you.

Thanks, Parker.

[RACCOON CHITTERING]

Okay. I think it's about time we get out of here.

Hey. If I don't make it, please
tell everyone I d*ed at the hands

of a much larger, scarier animal.

Ow!

Why do you even own wooden clogs?

My mom's side is Dutch Canadian.

Don't hate on the clomping.

I saw the sheep come in here.

Oh, close the door so it doesn't get out.

By the way, did you see how nice its haircut was?

Yeah. Bill does a really good job.

[SHEEP BLEATING]
I hear her.

[SHEEP BLEATS]

[WINNIE:] Don't you use that tone with me.

Nicolas;

Look at this place.

Guys. I'm so sorry.

I ruined everything.

Jake and I found out you were both gonna propose,

and we tried to get you
to do it in the same place.

I just love you both so much and
wanted your proposal to be perfect.

Winnie;

Look around you.

This is perfect.

Plus, an out of control fireworks show,

and a runaway sheep is going to make

the best proposal story ever.

I can't wait to tell everyone
about how I proposed to Wayne.

I think you mean how I proposed to you.

Ah! It's happening!

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

-Nicholas...
-Wayne...

[BOTH:] Will you marry me?
-Will you marry me?

-Yes.
-Yes.

I love you both so much.

And we love you.

Guys,

I hate to ruin this beautiful moment, but...

somebody left their face in here.

[SCREAMING]

So you guys thinking destination wedding?

Are you ready?

Considering we just walked half a mile like this,

yes, I'm ready.

Ta-da!

Wow, Parker, it's incredible.

You never know it violated four
different safety codes just a day ago.

Couldn't fix one, though.

Apparently this place is built
on top of a bobcat burial ground.

But I'm sure that won't come
back to haunt me in the future.

How do you get someone to
put in a bathroom so quickly?

Apparently, Dusty Tush has a
-hour bathroom installation service.

Still waiting on a post office, though.

Me and the boys are gonna
have so much fun hanging out here.

Oh, and I have to ask, How
did you get rid of the raccoon?

Actually... [LAUGHS] I didn't.

[FLUSHES]

Brock, we talked about this.

If you're gonna do that, light a match.

♫ ♫