06x21 - Pickett Fencing

[bunniefuu]

Happy birthday, Bill.

Anything special you want to do for your big day?

Do you not see the pinch of
cinnamon I put on my grits?

I'm already going hog wild.

Well, your day's off to a sweet start.

But you know what would make it even sweeter?

If I threw a party for you.

Thanks, but I don't need all that fuss.

Maybe an extra scoop of
beans for dinner with cinnamon.

Wow. I had no idea cinnamon
was such a celebratory spice.

But it's your day, so whatever you want.

I do have one big surprise
coming for you, though.

Ooh! Is it a cow pie scraper for my boots?

There's a lot caked on.

I'm about half an inch taller these days.

And you're wearing them where we eat?

A scraper's not the surprise,

but I'm buying you one immediately.

I'm just excited because this is the first time

my birthday can be all about me.

My whole life, I've had to
celebrate with my twin sister, Jill.

But not this year.

Um,

you may not enjoy the
surprise as much as I thought.

Howdy, Bill?!

Jill?

Surprise!

But remember, you also got a scraper coming.

So yay!

♪ [ALL:] Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Are you gonna give me a hug,

or are you just gonna stand there

looking like a more surprised version of me?

Sorry. I just can't believe you're here.

So, Jill, are you as weird

about ranching and rodeos as Bill is?

I mean, as passionate.

Jill is a star barrel racer.

Oh, is that how you hurt your arm?

No. This is from piano lessons.

I don't do anything halfway.

So tell me more about barrel racing.

Do you, like, race against
other really fast barrels?

Or do you, like, get in
them and then roll downhill?

You know, I'm just gonna go look it up.

So, brother bear,

are we gonna start planning our birthday or what?

Actually, I wasn't really planning

on doing anything big this year.

Don't be silly.

We're gonna have a Pickett twin
birthday blowout like we always do.

Except that one year when
we both got food poisoning.

And even then, it was still a blowout.

Oh, good. A big party.

Just what I wanted.

That looks both dangerous and silly.

Talk to me. How do I get in on this?

I'm practicing my fencing.

I was worried my stage combat
skills were getting a little rusty.

You can do combat on stage?

Did I just become a theater nerd?

Let me try.Okay.

But don't expect to be great at it right away.

Fencing is a serious skill.

Whoa! That is some serious skill.

Thanks. I've always had
an affinity for the pointy arts.

[GRUNTING]

This is so fun.

Die, you wannabe cantaloupe!

Easy, Winnie.

Even with skill, the saber is a tool, not a toy.

You need to treat it with respect.

If you want to respect my saber,
you should use its proper name.

Slash McCutsalot, the watermelon widowmaker.

There is no way this goes well for me,

although that is a good name for a sword.

I really regret naming mine Ben.

Special delivery, guys.

I mean, what's in the box, not me.

Although I am pretty dang, dang special.

Oh, you're in a good mood.

Maybe now is a good time to tell you
I had to close down the archery range.

The arrows are so warped,
they're more like pointy boomerangs.

On the plus side,

if you miss the target, you
don't have to go get them.

You just pop them right out of your arm.

As convenient as that
sounds, I'll just buy new arrows.

Really? What happened to "We
don't have money to fix the fridge

"or hire a plumber"?

Or buy food that wasn't roadkill.

Hey, you can't prove where that possum came from.

I made sure there were no tire marks.

But if you must know, I
recently came into some money,

so I bought everyone new camp jackets.

Whoa! Where'd you get the money for these?

Not important. Don't worry
about it. Mind your business.

Just enjoy your new jackets.

I am off to the bank.

That's right.

I have a bank account now.

[ARROW WHIZZES]

Or maybe I'll get the new arrows first.

Yeah.

You okay, buddy?

Never seen you look so down, mucking out a barn.

Normally, you scoop poop with such joie de vivre.

I'm upset because I'm cleaning up
for a birthday party I don't even want.

Hey, you never know. It might be fun.

Fun would be a birthday
where I can do what I want.

Like sitting alone in a
field, thinking about life.

Or blissfully deworming goats.

There has got to be a middle
ground that involves sheet cake.

Your sister's visit is really
bumming you out, isn't it?

No, that's not it.

We're best friends, and she's always a ton of...

Hold on. You and your sister are best friends?

The only time Priscilla and I

ever got along was in the womb.

And even then, I'm pretty sure
she hogged all the good nutrients.

I love Jill, but her big personality takes over,

and we always end up doing what she wants.

Like big birthdays.

Then don't you think you
should tell Jill how you feel?

No.

In the Pickett family, we
don't talk about our feelings.

Don't worry, I can handle it.

Hey, brother bear.

I brought our matching
birthday outfits from home.

Yay! Great!

I guess I didn't hide them well enough.

[CHUCKLES] Whoo-hoo!

Jake, I need your help.

Something really important is missing.

Don't worry. Parker explained it to me last week.

The moon is just on the other side of the planet.

I'm talking about the next clue to the treasure.

It's the brass plate engraved
with First National Bank

of Dusty Tush Railways
that we found in the ledger.

What if someone stole it?

They could find the treasure and steal that, too.

Don't worry. I'll help you look for the clue

or whatever evil greedy
person might have taken it.

♪ Have you heard about money? ♪

♪ Oh, boy it's the best ♪

♪ I got so much money ♪

♪ And I'm #blessed ♪

Lou, where did you get that?

My beautiful singing voice? From my mama.

No, I'm talking about your scooter.

Oh, I was thinking we could start giving
camp tours on wheels. What do you think?

Hmm. I think no one's even
requested a camp tour on foot.

I get it. You think I should have sprung
for the hot tub instead, don't you?

Well, don't worry. That's coming soon.

♪ Have you heard about money? ♪

[WHOOPING]

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. Where did the moon go?

Oh, wait, I remember now.

Lou was being weird about her new money earlier,

and she said she was going to the bank.

You don't think she meant First National
Bank of Dusty Tush Railways, do you?

Wait. You think Lou could have
found the treasure and not told us?

Maybe. But before we confront
her, we need to find proof.

I'm sure we won't find anything.

Lou might have a little extra money,

but she doesn't seem treasure rich.

The giant trampoline arrives on Tuesday.

Okay. Maybe she is treasure rich.

Hey, Chef Linus, can you cut that for me?

Wait.

Never mind. I got it.

Winnie, is that why all the
tools in the barn look like this?

Oh, my stars.

Uh, I am as surprised as you are.

I just thought maybe you would know who did it.

I mean, since there's also a
"W" carved in the barn door.

Has it occurred you that could stand for Wyoming?

So the state of Wyoming
carved a "W" in the barn door?

I don't know. Maybe ask Wyoming.

Okay, you're not ready for this
responsibility. I'm taking your saber.

Wait, no!

Uh, isn't there some sort
of ancient rule that says

the only way you can take
someone's sword is through combat?

No!

But lucky for you, I crave drama, so I'm in.

Then we shall meet at the
most dramatic part of the day.

Sundown.

And by the way, that was me,

not Wyoming.

Good to know.

I was just about to call Wyoming's mother.

And food goes here and the pinata there.

And here's where we'll
play bobbing for horseshoes.

Or maybe we just keep the party simple.

Burgers and firm handshakes?

Bill, I know you don't like
planning this stuff, so don't worry.

I promise we'll have the
same birthday we always do,

including our big choreographed
twin dance number.

Uh, really?

I think I'm gonna be pretty
exhausted from all the firm handshakes.

Hey, I know what this
party-planning session needs.

A deeper conversation about
what you both expect from this party,

and be honest with each other.

Okay, who wants to go first?

I'll pick at random. Bill.

Oh, I almost forgot cake.

Parker, I like chocolate
cake and Bill likes strawberry.

So we need a red velvet,
'cause it's the middle ground.

-But I don't think that red velvet has any_
-Red velvet is fine.

It's always fine.

Okay, y'all start on decorating,

and I'll get Chef Linus on the cake.

Oh, I wouldn't have him bake it,

unless you like icing made
from whipped gopher cartilage.

Bakery in town it is then.

This has gone far enough.

You have to tell your sister how you feel.

No, it's easier to go along with her.

I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Come on, let's get to decorating.

The sooner we start this dumb party,

the sooner this dumb party will be over.

Yeah, maybe we won't put that on the invitations.

Okay. Lou just left to do some ranch chores,

so we have time to search her room for clues.

Finally we'll get to the bottom

of who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

Jake, we're looking for proof

that Lou took the Dusty Tush treasure.

Oh, right.

But your day will come, cookie thief.

Okay.

You take that side of the
room, I'll search over here.

A foam finger collection?

Keeping it classy, Hockhauser.

Find anything, Jake?

There's nothing here but random junk,

like this pillow with the
guy from Smash Mouth on it.

That's actually Guy Fieri. Common mistake.

[DISTANT RUMBLING]

Destiny, excuse you.

That wasn't me. It was the stairs.

That's a new one. My mom
usually blames it on the dog.

Just hide.

[LOU HUMMING]

How long are we going to be stuck in here?

She's a busy camp director.
I'm sure she'll leave soon.

Well, Guy, I've got a few hours to k*ll.

How about we take a trip down to sleepy town?

Or we'll die here.

[CELL PHONE RINGING-♪]

Hey, have you been getting my messages?

I need to cash in a few more gems.

I'm burning through the
money quicker than I thought.

She must be talking about the treasure.

I don't want my campers to
know where this money came from,

so let's meet during the
birthday party we're having later.

Everyone will be busy. It's perfect.

Well, Guy, I'm too jazzed for a nap now.

Mama's got fresh dough coming in.

What I wouldn't give to know what's
going on behind those sweet shades.

I can't believe it. Lou found the treasure,
and now she's spending it all without us.

What are we waiting for? We
have our proof. Let's go bust Lou.

Not yet. We need to catch her in the act.

We'll go to the birthday party
and keep a close eye on her.

[RUMBLING]
Quick, Lou's coming back!

No, that one was me.

Okay.

I'm sorry it has to come to this,
Winnie, but I promise to be merciful.

Your reign of terror ends now.

Whoo-hoo! I nailed that delivery.

Where's the camera and the
sound guy when you need them?

Well, consider me your editor
and prepare to get spliced.

Nobody uses my own industry puns against me.

En garde!

[GRUNTS]

NOAH: Wow, you're good.

But I will still prevail and
eventually strike you down.

Seriously, why is no one
getting this gold on film?

Bill, why aren't you wearing the outfit?

I wanted to, but coyotes took it.

If you see something that
looks like a dog wearing overalls,

do not give him belly rubs.

Okay.

And then the guy says that they're
going to send me a regular-size trampoline.

So I said, "If I can't
bounce all the way to Idaho",

"I don't want it."

We'll keep watching Lou, and when she
leaves to meet the person from the phone call,

she'll lead us right to the treasure.

But what if Lou leaves before they
serve cake, and we don't get a slice?

Seriously, Jake, you're
worried about cake right now?

Fine. Let's cut a piece out of the
middle and hope no one notices.

Hey, Bill, over here.

Since you love milking cows so much,

this is how people can get something to drink.

Check it out.

That's so cool.

I'm not even bothered by the extra teat,

and your gross misunderstanding of cow anatomy.

Oh, I'll just pretend you said thank you.

Here, you give it a try.

I think we need to kick this party up a notch.

Let's do our twin dance now.

Uh, but we can't because...

Uh, because...

Because people are sword fighting now.

Oh, drat!

Oh, man, my cow.

Oh, so that's how you milk a cow.

Untrue. Please don't try that.

By the way, where's Lou?

Oh, no, she left.

We have to find her before
she sells the treasure.

Hey, everyone, don't even think
about taking this piece of cake.

I've licked every inch.

NOAH: Give it up, Winnie, you're cornered.

WINNIE: No one puts Winnie in a corner.

We should have had them cut
a piece of cake before they left.

Am I right?

You know, I think it's time for our dance.

I'm not really in the mood.

Maybe you can do it by yourself.

What?

But a twin dance without a twin is just a dance.

Jill, I really don't want to.

Oh, come on. Don't get stage fright now.

Hit it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]
♫

I don't want to do it, okay?

I never want to do our silly dance ever again.

CROWD: Aw.

Now, this is more like the
sibling parties I'm used to.

But don't worry, we'll all feel better

once Celine Dion comes out and performs.

Okay, Bill, so I let you
try to handle this your way,

and clearly that's not working.

Do we have to do this now, Parker?

Yes, we do.

It's time to tell Jill how you feel,

because I'm afraid that you're
gonna end up like me and Priscilla.

Are things really that bad
between you and your sister?

She paid to have the Toronto
sewer system named after me.

It's an impressive piece of engineering,

but it's still called the
Parker Preston Poop Works!

Just talk to her.

Well, I better be moseying off to yee haw, doggy.

He's a greenhorn,

but he's our little greenhorn.

Listen, Bill.

You don't have to do the
dance if you don't want to.

I didn't know it bothered you that much.

Truth is, it's not the dance.

I love you, and you're my best friend,

but sometimes you get so excited about things

that you don't listen to what I want.

But we always compromise, like with the cake.

Jill, there's no strawberries in red velvet cake.

It's baked using food coloring

because, well, no one knows.

Apparently, some people
just love the taste of red.

Bill, you could've told me how you felt.

You can always talk to me.

I know, but I haven't always
been great at expressing myself.

Being at Kikiwaka is helping me with it.

Becoming my own person.

I'm glad.

And I promise to listen to you more.

Just don't change too much.

You're already my favorite person.

I love you, bro. I love you, sis.

Wow, same time.

Do a twinsie?

Nah. Just one's enough.

NOAH: Eat blade, you mischievous miscreant.

WINNIE: [GASPS] Hurtful, I think.

I don't know what that means.

Okay. What is that all about?

I don't know, but don't ask.

You can get sucked into a
caper pretty quick around here.

That must be the treasure.

I knew we'd catch her red handed.

Oh, man, she's been stealing red paint, too?

This lady.

[CELL PHONE RINGING-♪]
♪

Hey, when you get here,
just meet me in the mess hall.

I can't wait to see how much this haul is worth.

J'accuse!

Which is the name of my
French cousin who steals a lot.

Change of plans. Do not meet me in the mess hall.

I repeat, do not meet me in the_
[CALL DISCONNECTS x♪]

Oh. Well, a simple goodbye would have been nice.

What are you guys doing in my room?

-We know exactly what you're up to.
-You do?

We all do.

I'll tell you what's going on behind
these sweet shades. Judgment!

We're not gonna let you steal
the lost treasure of Dusty Tush.

Which is a bunch of penny rolls?

This isn't the treasure.
Why isn't this the treasure?

Why on earth would you guys
think I have the lost treasure?

Because you've been acting super weird
about all this new money coming in.

And the brass plate with
the next clue in it is missing.

I always keep it in my back pocket,
so if it's not there, that means...

It was in my other back pocket.

I've now entered the oops
stage of this conversation.

Wait. So who stole the treasure?

And why does Lou have pennies?

Is the cookie thief behind all this?

Okay, fine.

I wanted some extra money to fix up the ranch,

so I used the shop vac to suck up the coins

at the bottom of the well.

That's right.

I stole wishes.

How did you get so much
money from one little well?

Well's over years old.

Some of the coins at the bottom of it

are extremely rare and valuable,

so I've been selling them to a coin collector.

Wait. So then if it wasn't the treasure,

why were you being so secretive?

Because I was embarrassed.

I mean, who steals wishes?

I don't know. Me neither.

But they can't be the good guys.

Oh, Lou.

So what if you sucked up a
bunch of old coins with a shop vac?

You were trying to help the camp.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Lost control of the shop vac at one point

and got it stuck to my face.

Well, that you can be embarrassed about.

I guess we can close the book
on the stolen treasure case.

I can't wait to tell J'accuse about all this.

[BOTH GRUNTING]
-Ahh -Ahhh

[GRUNTS]

WINNIE: Ah-ha!

I win, I win!

I can do what I want when I
want with Slash McCutsalot,

which is mostly slashing and cutting a lot.

Yep, you b*at me, and you're
free to do whatever you want.

You know, it really warms my heart
to see you so passionate about fencing.

-It does?
-Yeah.

On second thought, I think it's pretty cool

how you goof off with your fencing saber.

Carving "W" s into things, cutting stuff in half.

Me and Ben here never do fun stuff like that.

-You think it's cool?
-Darn right.

Maybe we could do it together.

Mmm. You know, I think I might
be done with my sword for the day.

You should just hold on to
this until we start our lessons.

Okay; Bye.

Point Noah.

What just happened?

I just did the one thing that would make any kid

lose interest in something dangerous super quick.

I, an older authority figure,
told him it was cool to do it.

I wish I knew this trick three explosions ago.

Bill, you got the outfit back
from the fashion forward coyotes?

And now that I say it out loud,

I'm not sure why I bought that.

I'm sorry for lying to you, Jill.

Let's put it behind us, 'cause
I'm ready to do our dance.

You don't have to if you don't want to.

You know, now that I know
I can choose, I really do.

All right then, let's get this party started.

[MUSIC ♫ PLAYING]
PARKER: Hey.

-GIRL: Whoo!
-PARKER: Yes, yes!

Let's go!

Let's hit it!

-BOY : Oh, yeah!
-GIRL: Come on!

Let's go! Let's get it!

-BOY : Whoo! Whoo!
-PARKER: Oh, yeah!

Hey, y'all.

Yeah!

GIRL: Yes! Come on!

PARKER: Hey!

[ALL CHEERING]

That's my coyote!

-Thanks for that, brother bear.
-My pleasure.

If you want to leave and go
do ranch chores now, you can.

[SIGHS] Thank goodness.

Look out, goat worms, the birthday boy's coming

Hey, any chance I can get that in a men's medium?