02x03 - Chapter Three

[bunniefuu]

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

LISETTE: Carrie! Carrie!

Carrie!

I'll call you back.

Lisette! Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey, it's so funny to see you here.

I know. I thought you only existed

in the vestibule of
our apartment building.

- Whatcha doin' here?
- Oh, embarrassingly,

I'm here, um, watching them set up

the party tents for my jewelry show.

Hey, you're one of Bulgari's
three new designers to watch.

There is nothing
embarrassing about that.

Plus, Bryant Park, former
home to Fashion Week?

[SOFTLY] That's hallowed ground.

You are coming Friday night, right?

Cocktails in a tent?
That's my wheelhouse.

Good, 'cause you're the
only one I care about.

- Aw.
- Well, you and the buyer from Neiman's.

- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]
- And Saks.

- But really just me.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hey, can I buy you a cappuccino?

Oh, thanks. I gotta run.

Um, embarrassingly,
they asked me to record

the audio version of my new book, so...

- Anyway, I'll see you later.
- Okay.

- Hey!
- Hm?

- You're Carrie Bradshaw.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]

Nothing embarrassing about that.

- Bye.
- Okay.

Rocco, I'm out front a little early.

- [ON PHONE]: Out front?
- Yeah.

- ROCCO: I'm right around the corner.
- Okay...

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

- [SHOUTS] Oh!
- Hey! Stop him!

He stole my purse! Help me!

Why is no one helping?!

- Why are you just standing there?!
- Oh!

[DOGS BARKING]

He stole my purse!

DOG-WALKER: Oh, okay. It's all right.

Hello, you.

That low-life m*therf*cker.

Uh, can you be more specific?

Someone just stole my Birkin.

- No! Where?
- Right in front of

my g*dd*mn townhouse.

Like, in broad daylight.

What's happening to this city?

So, I'm circling the block

in case he took my wallet
and ditched the bag,

like they used to.

Nah.

Everyone's clued in these days.

- Are you okay?
- Not really.

Like, I splurged on that bag

as a gift to myself after
my very first big sale.

I mean, I bought it so long ago,

there wasn't even a waitlist.

And I want to assure you,

the school now has four more

safety guards at each corner.

Is Miranda more of a flower
person or the food-basket type?

I wanna get her a really
nice thank you gift

for connecting me with Nya.

She's doing my doc tomorrow.

That's so exciting!

Miranda is definitely
more of a foodie...

- Okay.
- But she is still in LA with Che.

- I can get you that address. Okay.
- Yes!

GREG: Now I must call attention to

[SIGHS] an incident

that's put the entire
Arbor community at risk.

Some of our students have
created... a MILF list.

- We are totally getting that list.
- %.

Does someone have something to add?

- [SOFTLY] No.
- GREG: No?

Because you seem very chatty.

Good. I'm glad we're on the same page.

CARRIE: "It was the kind
of day that would've fallen

"into the 'forgotten' file

if it had ended any other way."

I keep messing that up.
I'm so sorry, you guys.

GARY: That's okay.
I got it on the other take.

You wanna take a breath or stretch

before we move on to chapter three?

Nope. No, thanks. I don't,
I don't need to, thank you.

You are doing so great.

You're still sure you
don't wanna hire an actress?

You know, like, uh, Julianne
Moore, Julianna Margulies?

- Any of the Juliannes?
- Look, actresses were fine

for your other books,

but a memoir this personal
needs to be read by the author.

Carrie, you're still
poppin' your P's a little.

Jimmy's coming in for
another mic adjustment.

- Oh, God, the B.O.
- Oh, no, really? I didn't notice it.

Wait till he lifts his arms.

I can fix the mic!

JIMMY: Okay... just
doin' a little adjustment.

- Thank you.
- Oh, and, uh, um, Gary

wants you to make sure you hit your T's.

You're swallowing them.
Forgotten, not "forgodden."

Swallowing them?

- Yeah.
- Forgotten. Yeah. Thank you.

Peace out.

- [EXHALES] Oh, my God.
- [EXHALES] Hoo.

We're the ones who need a mask.

Okay, I'm gonna do something about that.

No, no, no, it's okay.
It's... H-Honestly, it's okay.

I can, I can survive the two days.

Heroic, but we booked for five.

F-Five days?

My God, any of the Juliannes

could've banged this out in two.

It's a book about your husband passing.

We wanna make sure you have enough time.

Okay? It's a lot.

GARY: O-Okay. Uh, are we ready

- for chapter three?
- CARRIE: Yep.

I'm gonna go get you some mint tea.

Oh, Amanda, thanks, but I don't, [SIGHS]

I don't want you here
waiting on me every day.

Ugh, I wish.

Sadly, it's back to the
publisher mines for me,

but I, uh, texted you Gary's info

in case you have any problems.

- Okay?
- CARRIE: Okay.

[SOFTLY] Where am I?

Chapter three.

Okay. Ready.

Recording.

"Chapter Three.

"I came home from the
Manhattan School of Music

"with Beethoven's concerto
still ringing in my ears.

"The sound of the
running shower greeted me.

As I called John's name, I worried..."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm
just... I missed a word.

- You okay there?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I haven't
looked at this in a while.

"Remember worrying"?

"I remember worrying..." Wait.

What? That's confusing.

No problem. Let's just start again.

Mm, okay.

[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]

"Chapter Three.

"I came home from the
Manhattan School of Music

"with Beethoven's concerto
still ringing in my ears.

The sound of the running shower
greeted me as I called..."

See, this sentence is
so long I wish I could...

cut from here to, um...

"We had a two-hour drive ahead of us."

Is it, is it okay if I do that?

Uh, actually, no, it's not okay.

They need you to read what's published.

Well, that's a shame
'cause it's really clunky.

I mean, who, who wrote
this thing anyway?

- Go again.
- Okay.

- Top of chapter three.
- Okay.

Um...

♪ ♪

"Chapter Three.

"I came home from the
Manhattan School of Music

"with Beethoven's concerto
still ringing in my ears.

"The sound of the
running shower greeted me.

"As I called John's name,

"I remember worrying about
the lateness of the hour.

"We had a two-hour drive
ahead of us, after all,

and time was very important to John."

Okay, yeah, sorry I did that.
I swallow... I did the...

I swallowed the "t" on "important."

Yeah, I'm sorry. That's on me.

And, Carrie, I think you can
really afford to slow down.

Take your time. We've
got five days in here.

Yep. That's what I hear.

"How is it going, my little cannoli?"

"Dad, can you please not call me that?"

"So what? I'm not allowed to call you
my little cannoli anymore?

"Who am I offending now?

"Pastry or cream?

BOTH: "I need to talk to..."

- That's my line.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, it's okay. "I need to talk to you.

- It's not about a nickname..."
- Oh, uh, wait.

Wait, it's... Ooh, I'm sorry.

Ugh, the type got all small again.

- I hate this new phone.
- [CHE SIGHS]

Can't they just print
these pages out for you?

[CHUCKLES] Not when it's
a new scene I just got

that we're rehearsing in an hour.

Oh.

Okay, let's, um, let's go
from where the dad sits.

You mean, after you start crying?

Uh, well, I don't
necessarily have to cry.

It's not set in stone.

Well, it says down here,
"Che begins to cry."

- And then, "Che cries harder."
- Uh-huh.

And then, the dad says, "Don't cry."

So, I think ya have to cry.

Can we, can we please
just run the lines?

Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, um.

"What do I care what you call yourself?

"You wanna be
non-binary, be non-binary.

I just don't wanna lose my little girl."

"You're not losing me. I'm still me."

"Come on, cannoli. Don't cry.

Y-You know I can't
handle it when you cry."

[SOFTLY] Do you wanna try to cry?

- No... No, I don't, Miranda.
- Okay, all right.

Because if I cry, it sends a signal

that being non-binary is a tragedy...

and that I'm not happy, which I am.

Correction. Which I
was until I got this...

mm, fake-ass shitty scene.

Well, then just tell
'em you won't do it.

No, I've already told them
that I won't have blue hair.

Or wear a zoot suit, or, or [SIGHS]

do lame they/them jokes.

I...

[SIGHS] This is
supposed to be me, and...

[CRIES] f*ck.

- [CHE CRYING]
- Che, what can I do?

[CHE SNIFFLES]

- I'm okay.
- You're gonna be great!

And, and, and, and you've still
got three days till the taping,

and, and, and I'll be
there cheering you on.

Right?

- Right. [CHUCKLING]
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

All right, come on. I'll, uh,
I'll drop you off at your meeting

- on the way to the studio.
- Okay. Thanks.

- Goddamnit!
- What?

How could I miss a call
when the ringer is on?

This android has a mind of its own.

I can't believe I let the
sales person talk me into it.

And why is Brady ghosting me?

- I haven't heard from him in days.
- Relax.

He's with his girlfriend
in Europe having fun.

- Yeah, but...
- But that phone is real annoying.

- Get it checked.
- Yeah, I will.

- [CHE CLEARS THROAT]
- Come here.

Mm.

BOTH: Mwah.

And, uh,

that's how I became a professor
at Columbia Law School.

- Really great, Nya.
- Really?

- Yes... Now, I wanna double back
- [NYA LAUGHS]

and get some more of your feelings about

- Constance Baker Motley.
- NYA: Well, I mean,

how did one woman break all
those race and gender barriers?

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, she, she was a...

- Uh...
- LISA: Hm?

- I think my mic slipped down.
- Oh! Bryan.

- Yeah, I'm on it.
- NYA: I'm, I'm sorry. I...

- No, it's okay. It's fine.
- BRYAN: I'll get that for you.

Um... pardon my reach.

- I just gotta look for the culprit.
- Oh yeah, sure. Of course, yeah.

Oh.

[GIGGLES] Shouldn't
you buy me dinner first?

You know what?
I-I-I really think we got it,

and we're running over,

so I think we can just wrap it up.

Copy.

If you like... Oh, okay.

- Let me just get it right here.
- Hmm.

There it is.

Um... were you serious
about that dinner?

What? Oh. No, I was
just joking. [CHUCKLES]

That's too bad.

[SOFTLY] Hey.

Can I talk to you about your sound guy?

Bryan? Oh, he's fine, right?

That was a little bit extra, am I right?

Well, let's just say
he didn't go mic-fishing

on the circuit court judge
I interviewed yesterday.

Okay, well, my husband
and I just separated,

so my mind isn't working
that way yet, um...

but did you see his arms in that shirt?

Hm... I think your mind
is working that way,

so why don't you give him
your number, and make it quick,

because we are late for lunch.

That's a wrap, everybody.
I'll see you Thursday.

- How's the book taping going?
- Well, day two, and, apparently,

I'm still popping my P's
and swallowing my T's.

Turns out, talking, mm-mm, not so easy.

Aside from the P's and
the T's, how are you doing?

It can't be easy reliving everything.

Just so you know, if you ever need me

to come up there for
support, I am there.

I'm fine. I-I'm fine.

With the exception of this
fast-breaking speech problem,

- I am... I'm doin' pretty well.
- You are doing really well.

I was just saying this to Miranda.

The way you've moved on...
we're so proud of you.

Oh! Here they come.

I thought maybe they had
[ENUNCIATES] forgotten.

Ooh.

- CHARLOTTE: Hi! It's okay.
- Hi! I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Hi. Ooh, you smell good.

It was all my fault.

Yeah, she was just so damn compelling,

- we went into overtime.
- [NYA LAUGHS]

Well, hurry up. Look at your menus.

- We've been stalling.
- [PHONE DINGS]

Oh, wait! I got it!

- I got the list!
- Ordering can wait.

- Wait... I can't open it.
- Wait, what list?

Okay, this is gonna sound silly,

but there's a whole brouhaha at school

about this MILF list that a kid started.

- A what? A MILF list? For real?
- Yes.

It's basically MILF-gate.

Okay, okay. Here we go.
Downloading, baby.

- How did you get it?
- I will never reveal my sources.

You two are like a regular
Woodward and Bernstein.

For the record, I do think it's wrong

that in this day and age,

women are still being
judged solely for the...

Here it is! [LAUGHS]
We're number two and three!

[BOTH SQUEALING]

I'd switch our order, of course.

No! You totally deserve
to be number two!

But, but, but who's number one?

Kayla Charles. Finn's stepmom.

- Ooh, yes, she is stunning.
- Yeah.

But don't you think that, technically,

a stepmom should be on a different list?

Well, Nya, surely you
cover this in your class

on "MILF Law in the st Century."

- [LAUGHTER]
- CHARLOTTE: I am sorry.

Our lunchtime fodder is not
usually this lowbrow, I swear.

Really? Who have you been eating with?

NYA: Oh no, listen, I'm enjoying it,

but maybe we should switch
gears and, I don't know,

talk about abortion rights,

or how our democracy
is hanging by a thread,

- or how our planet is dying.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

- Um. [GASPS]
- _

Hot sound guy just texted me.

[BOTH SQUEAL]

"John lifted his head and looked
up at me from the shower floor.

"Time stopped.

"I couldn't move.

It felt like I stood there for hours."

- Is she taking a pause, or...?
- I-I don't know.

"But it was only a moment..."

That was a pause.

Hey, um, Carrie,

I think maybe it's too slow now.

- Okay.
- GARY: Maybe split the difference

- moving forward.
- Mm-hmm.

Let's do that same section
about how long you waited,

but without waiting so long.

Recording.

CARRIE: "John... lifted his head...

[SHOWER WATER RUNNING]

and looked up at me
from the shower floor."

[RUNNING WATER CONTINUES]

"Time stopped.

I couldn't move."

[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]

"It felt like I stood there for hours.

But it was only a moment."

[RUNNING WATER CONTINUES]

♪ ♪

"He looked... so small.

[CRYING] I'd forgotten...
how big he was."

Guys, I think it's... bad for
the author to be this emotional.

You know, it just... [INHALES]

It, um... feels...

- unprofessional.
- A-Agreed.

Why don't we just skip
chapter three for now.

- Okay.
- And we'll, we'll come back

to it another time?

Okay, yeah. Let's just...

We'll skip chapter three for now.

We'll come back to it. [SNIFFLES]

- But I hit those T's on "forgotten."
- You did!

Yeah, definitely.

- Definitely heard that.
- Definitely heard it.

- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- GARY: Chapter four.

♪ ♪

Oh! Oh, oh!

- CARRIE: Oh, you scared me.
- [MUFFLED] Carrie! Carrie!

Bitsy. Hi.

- Come, come! Sit!
- Yeah? Okay.

- Hi.
- Is my upper lip still red raw?

- No. No, no, no. Not, not really.
- Oh. You're too kind.

A $ , facelift

and I still have to come
here for a $ mustache wax.

God's clearly a man.

So, what fabulous thing are you
on your way to or coming home from?

Oh, nothing fabulous. No,
I was recording my new book.

Yes! "Loved & Lost."

- I just preordered it, Buttercup.
- Aw, thank you.

I can't wait to see what keen

Carrie Bradshaw perspective

you have for me and
all those other ladies

out there who have lost a husband.

Well, I don't know
about any perspective.

I just...

I just fell apart reading it.

I was suddenly right back there again.

It was embarrassing.

Oh.

I thought I was doing so well.

I got through that whole first year.

Oh.

Honey, the second year
is worse than the first.

That's the dirty, little
secret nobody tells you

because... time is passing
and whatever's happening,

you know, good, bad, weird, [CHUCKLES]

he's missing all of it.

So, you feel farther and
farther away from him.

It's...

it's just awful.

But you always...

you always seem so up and about.

Well... I am, some days.

Other days?

I'm just fakin' it, sister.

Well, what's the alternative?

- Feeling sorry for myself?
- Mm-mm.

I'll pass along a saying
I heard in my Kabbalah class.

Okay.

"The hole never fills, but
new life will grow around it."

So, your job is to do whatever
you need to plant some seeds.

For me, [WHISPERS] it was a facelift.

For you, it's... probably
something else.

But you do whatever you do...

to make yourself feel better.

[LIGHT, CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING]

Ooh!

Ah!

Ooh!

♪ ♪♪

[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]

♪ ♪

"As I lifted his lifeless body...

into my arms..." No.
Mm-mm. No way. Mm-mm.

[CHUCKLES] Mm-mm.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[RINGBACK TONE]

Hi. You've reached the
cell phone of Gary Schneider.

- Leave me a message.
- [VOICEMAIL BEEPS]

Hi, Gary. It's Carrie Bradshaw.

Um... I just tested positive for COVID,

so... um, you're gonna have
to get an actress to record it.

I'm so sorry... Thank you. Bye-bye.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN TATTOO PARLOR]

TATTOO ARTIST: Careful not to move.

Yeah, this looks great.

I guess I'm just feeling a need to
commemorate this moment in my life,

to capture it, ya know?

To remember who I am right now

and make sure I never, ever slide back

into the person that I don't wanna be.

Like the one who stayed at that
corporate law firm for all those years,

- repressing your wants and needs?
- Exactly!

Like a little robot
billing hours a week.

And for what, Ricky?

Well, you know what I do have?

- Huh?
- I have... some fun robots.

Check it out...
The Jetsons' housekeeper.

[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.

Here's my "Lost In Space" guy.

- He is popular.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

But... what you have to do
is something that's gonna make

you feel most connected
to yourself, Miranda.

You're so easy to talk to.
I really appreciate that.

Mm. Hm-hm-hm.

Hmm.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hey, California.
- Oh, thank God you picked up!

I'm on the precipice of doing something

either really stupid
or totally liberating.

If this involves the
Church of Scientology...

A tattoo.

A tattoo, okay.

Yep. Should've seen that coming.

And I almost did it, I really almost did

because why not?

What's the big f*ckin'
deal? It's a tattoo.

Everybody has them now, right?

Right, and everyone's
also having them removed.

True... and I'm scared of commitment.

I can't even pick a background
for my phone.

Ricky thinks it's all connected
to my fear of losing control.

- Miranda?
- Yeah.

It's time for you to
come back to New York.

[LAUGHS] No! It's fun out
here! It's like pretend-life.

I never want it to end.

So, what about you?

Charlotte says the
recording is going great.

CARRIE: Actually, no.

They, uh, they had to get an actress.

I wasn't able to finish.

Oh no! Why couldn't you finish?

Uh, turns out...

[STAMMERS, SIGHS] I have COVID.

You really buried the lede. COVID!

It finally got you.

Yeah, so much for
studying my blood in a lab.

- So, how are you feeling?
- Zero symptoms.

You know, I wouldn't even know I had it,

except for the... You know, the test.

No, please don't worry about me.

You have enough to worry about

with your, you know, your tattoo.

What about a robot?

Fine, but nowhere it can be seen.

[LAUGHS] Did ya think I
was gonna get it on my neck?

I'm not joining a g*ng out here.

CARRIE: Good. Okay. Bye.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello.
- Miranda told me.

I am so sorry. What can I bring?

Soup, roast chicken?
I'm making basmati rice.

It's all Harry wanted when he had it.

Oh, my God. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. I'm fine.

I'm one of the lucky ones, so
please don't worry about me.

- And please don't send anything.
- CHARLOTTE: Too late.

I already messengered
over a box of Varsano's.

They should be there within the hour.

I got the salted caramels you love.

Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

[SEEMA EXHALES]

m*therf*cker.

[SNIFFLING]

Jesus Christ! $ for gazpacho?!

That's $ worth of soup

and $ worth of "they have balls."

Another way the city robs you.

You know what the hardest thing is?

That bag had sentimental
meaning, and it's gone.

Yeah, I hear you.

Back in the day, a trick once stole

my father's gold money clip
right in front of me.

Why didn't you stop him?

I was handcuffed to my bed.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'm texting Carrie.

It's not like her to be this late.

♪ ♪

[TALKING QUIETLY TO HERSELF]

[PHONE DINGS]

_

sh*t... Forgot.

[PHONE DINGS]

Oh, wow. Carrie's not coming.

She just tested positive for COVID.

Now she's got COVID?!

That's very off-trend for her.

Well, I heard the board has the
MILF culprit in there right now,

but they won't identify him.

Shockingly, I heard it was Milo.

- Wait, Milo W.?
- No, Milo H.

The kid who wore his night brace
all through sixth grade,

- even on picture day?
- Yeah, the one who couldn't

[MOCKINGLY] say his S's?

Well, the nerds are always the pervs.

You guys, I am not
comfortable with this.

I mean, we are talking
about a little boy here.

["HE BE LIKE" BY KENTHEMAN PLAYING]

♪ He be like, "Damn, you fine" ♪

♪ He be like, "Damn, you thick" ♪

♪ He be like, "Damn, you bad" ♪

♪ He be like, "You that bitch" ♪

♪ "You that bitch," ooh, ooh ♪

- [WHISPERS] Is that Milo H.?
- "H" for hot.

[AINSLEY GROWLS]

♪ f*ck, ooh, he be like ♪

Why do I feel like Blanche DuBois?

GARY: The Arbor School
needs to send a message

that there is zero tolerance

for misogyny of any kind.

Which is why this breach and punishment

will remain on the student's record

throughout the college
application process.

Really, Greg? On his record?

Yes, Charlotte.

Uh, if I may,

isn't that a little extreme?

I mean, given the boy's age

and relatively benign intentions,

is such harsh punishment
really warranted?

I have to agree with
Charlotte on this one, Greg.

Isn't this an opportunity
for us to demonstrate

our commitment to restorative justice?

Ha! You're just saying that

because you're two
and three on the list.

[SHOCKED]: Are we?

Come on! We all saw the list.

Greg.

- We think it should be one and two.
- GREG: It has just come

to my attention that a group
of Arbor School mothers

was overheard objectifying

a male student in the hallway.

- ♪ Ooh, f*ck ♪
- [SHOCKED]: Were they?

Yeah.

Welcome to Warner Brothers Studio

for this live studio taping!

- [PHONE RINGING]
- [GASPS]

Brady?! Finally! Hello!

Are you still in Amsterdam?

BRADY: Mom, where have you been?

I've been calling since yesterday.

- You never answer.
- I'm sorry.

It's, it's this new phone.

I don't hear it ringing half the time.

[CRYING] I called you, like, times.

Are you crying? Brady, what's wrong?

Luisa broke up with me.

What?

- Why?
- I don't know.

She just bolted to Florence. It's over.

- [CAR HONKS]
- Oh, f*ck.

- What was that?!
- A car almost hit me. I wish it had.

Whoa, don't say that!

Honey, you're scaring me.

D-Did you talk to Dad?

Yeah, but I really wanted you.

Mom, I gotta, I gotta go.

- I gotta go.
- What?!

No, no, no, no, no. Don't hang up!

I'm crying too hard. People are looking.

Let them look. Listen to me.

I want you to get to the hostel safely

and call me from there.
What are you gonna do?

Call you from the hostel.

Good... Call me back. I love you.

All phones must be off and
placed in a locked pouch

until after the taping!

- No exceptions!
- Yes, ma'am, let me

- have your phone, please.
- No exceptions!

Uh, phone goes in this pouch.

- Huh?
- Phone goes in this pouch.

Oh, um, I-I-I don't have a phone.

I lost it on the beach.

And you didn't use Find My
or get a replacement?

It just happened, and honestly,

I've never felt more relaxed in my life.

I hear that.

- Okay, go 'head.
- Okay, thanks.

So excited. [CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hi, Amanda.
- I have good news for you.

- You got a Julianne?
- Better. I got you an extra week.

[CARRIE INHALES, EXHALES]

AMANDA: Hello?

Yeah, I'm here.

Carrie... this book

deserves the authenticity of your voice.

Even though I know

it's the last thing you wanna
be putting yourself through.

With the COVID... I mean.

Well, I guess we'll just, you know,
have to see how I feel next week.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

TONY DANZA: Hey, no way.

I mean, do, do you
remember when your cousin

Lenny came out as gay?

You know, that, that night
right after putt-putt golf?

I was cool with it.

I mean, I was surprised.

You know, for a gay kid,
he could really putt-putt.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- CHE: Putt-putt, Dad?

Come on. You're not-not getting it.

Well, I may not-not be gettin' it,

but I am-am getting an ulcer.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- TONY: Come on. Sit down, sit down.

Talk to me, my little cannoli.

CHE: [GROANS] Dad, can you
please stop calling me that?

TONY: What? I'm, I'm
not allowed to call you

my little cannoli anymore?

Who am I offending now?

The pastry cream or the shell?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

CHE: [SIGHS] I'm trying
to be true to myself,

but I'm afraid to let ya down.

You're not lettin' me... B... [SIGHS]

Honey, uh, what do I care
what you call yourself?

You wanna be non-binary,
be non-binary.

You wanna have a Bob's
Big Boy haircut...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

it's your hair, not mine.

I just don't wanna lose my little girl.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Dad, you're not losing me.

I'm still me.

TONY: And I love whoever you are.

[PHONE RINGING]

- BD: What, what is that?
- [ALL MURMURING]

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- f*ck!

- Oh, God. I'm, I'm...
- Are you f*cking kidding me?!

- I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.
- BRADY: Mom, Mom.

Why are you FaceTiming me?

- [MIRANDA STAMMERING]
- BD: No phones, everybody!

- This phone is crazy.
- There are supposed to be

no g*dd*mn phones!

[QUIETLY] I'm gonna call
you back. Excuse me, sorry.

Pardon me. I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.

My... Excuse me. My son is in crisis.

- I'm in crisis.
- I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.

TONY: Relax. Relax. Everybody,
relax. Look, come on.

M-Mistakes happen. We
can do it again, right?

Lady with the phone, just so you know,

you just ruined our big moment,

and we're never gonna
be able to get back there

because Che is not an
actor, they're a stand-up.

TONY: No, no, no. Ho, ho, ho.

- I think, I think they're...
- [CHE SIGHS]

doing an amazing job.
What do you say, everybody?

- A little hand for Che? Come on.
- Oh, no, Tony, Tony, Tony...

- [AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS]
- TONY: Let's do another.

All right, huh? Hey,
before my sauce burns.

JACK: The man, the myth, the lasagna!

Okay. Okay, so, we're gonna
go back to where we were...

- I believed you.
- Before that lady's pants

started to ring.

Now, you all remember,
Che was at the table

and she was asking her dad

to accept her for who she is.

BD: For who they really are!

They, they, they, they, they!

MIRANDA: No, he didn't explicitly
say he wants to k*ll himself,

but he said he wished
the car had hit him,

and I'm freaking out.

First, take a deep breath.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You said that Brady is
flying home late tonight?

Yes. He, he gets in early
tomorrow morning, New York time,

and I'm on a :
flight tonight from LA.

Do you think I'm overreacting?

No, no, I think this is smart.

But this might just be
a moment that he's in.

It's just so unlike him.

Meanwhile, Che is still taping
the pilot and probably hates me.

Oh, my God, it's such a mess.

Do not worry about Che right now.

You are doing the right thing.
There is nothing more important.

- Thank you for saying that.
- CHARLOTTE: Brady's gonna be okay.

- I love you.
- MIRANDA: I love you, too. Bye.

Here's a little-known Warner Brothers'

- studio lot fact.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Who...

[RASPY] Who is it?

SEEMA: It's Seema with lunch.

I snuck in with the UPS guy.

Oh. Oh, gosh!

[COUGHS]

Hey.

"Oy Vey"?

I...

I-I don't have COVID. I faked it.

Good, because this mask is chic,

but definitely not up to code.

Now I feel bad about
lying to my publisher.

And worse... about lying
to my two oldest friends.

You know, but they've
already been so there for me.

You know, I just can't put
them through more of this.

I mean, there's gotta be
like, um, an expiration date

on how much grief you can
ask a friend to support.

- Well, not if they're true friends.
- Hm.

I wasn't there for the
first round, but I am now.

I'm all ears.

I hate feeling sorry for myself.

Carrie, something
horrible happened to you.

You are allowed to
feel sorry for yourself.

And if you don't wanna go
out of this house, don't.

Just crawl into that bed,

lay down, pull the
covers over your head...

and you just feel
whatever you need to feel.

Nope, nope. [CHUCKLES]

I'm not a "take to the bed" type.

- I know, girl. You're strong.
- Hm.

I was in a fetal
position over a handbag.

No, no, no. Not just
a handbag. A Birkin.

It was your Birkin. It
meant something to you.

Not that I'm equating the two losses,

- but I kinda am.
- [LAUGHS] You kind of are.

- [PHONE DINGS]
- Oh.

Ugh, gosh. It's Lisette.

I promised her I'd go to her
pop-up Bulgari show tonight.

- Well, you're not going.
- No, no, no, no. I have to go.

She's, you know, she's a friend.

She doesn't know I have
fake COVID. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, Che.

You can wait in your trailer,

and I'll come get you
when they need you for pick-ups.

- Okay.
- MIRANDA: Hi.

I-I-I tried to get back in,
but they wouldn't let me.

Wow. I can't imagine why.

Could we, um?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Um, Beth, do you mind
giving us a second?

Uh, sure thing. Uh, you want this?

- It's pretty sunny...
- No, thank you.

Okay.

Listen, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm really sorry.

- That was awful.
- Yes, it was.

Brady called me sounding suicidal.

He's been trying to reach me for days.

Luisa broke up with him in Amsterdam.

I've never heard him cry like
that. I... It, it scared me.

And I was, I was so afraid
to miss another call.

You ruined the family scene!

Well... I had my own family
scene, and it was real.

- Oh. Okay.
- So...

I-I-I'm not gonna be able
to see the rest of the show.

I'm on an eight o'clock flight,

and, and, hopefully,
I'll b*at Brady home.

Wait, wait, wait. [CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry. You're leaving LA?

- Yeah.
- Miranda, let's just... [SCOFFS]

Let's just calm down, all right?

It's a kid, and it's a breakup,

and it's part of life.

Okay, but it's my kid...

the most important thing to me.

You don't know what that feels like.

Then I guess we're even.

BETH: Hey.

- S... Uh, sorry.
- CHE: Hm.

Uh, they want you in hair and makeup

- for touch-ups now.
- Yeah, no problem, no problem.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Do what you gotta do.

Che!

- I'm really, really sorry.
- [CHE SIGHS]

Could we not say goodbye
on a yucky note like this?

Yeah. Okay, um...

Sure. I hope that Brady's okay,
all right? I really do. I do.

- Thanks. Me too.
- Okay.

- Go, go. We'll, we'll talk later.
- Okay.

Copy.

- The show is gonna be huge!
- [CHE CHUCKLES]

["f*ck I LOOK LIKE?"
BY LEBRA JOLIE PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

CARRIE: Wow.

I wondered what she was doing
downstairs all this time.

Look at this. It has a
barrette. Can you believe?

It's so pretty.

Ooh.

- Bet that's the Neiman's buyer.
- Oh, hi!

CARRIE: I smell a sale.

So happy for Lisette.

These are some gorgeous pieces,

- and this is the worst Bellini ever.
- I'm sorry.

Why is that cater-waiter
picking up the jewelry?

I don't know. Maybe
he's, he's moving it?

Into his pocket?

Gimme your necklace. And you. Your ring.

- Seriously? Is this happening?
- This is happening.

What the... What's he doing?

What the f*ck is this guy doing?!

Hey, this cater-waiter
is stealing my sh*t!

Security, help! Somebody, do something!

[YELLS] I have COVID!

- [ALL PANICKING]
- LISETTE: Security! Someone!

Hey! This guy is stealing my stuff!

- Somebody, help me!
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Help! Somebody, help!

That's enough. Necklace, now!

No, please. Please.

This is my nameplate necklace.

It means everything to me.

I don't think so, punk.

f*ck.

- You have a g*n?!
- LISETTE: Security, help me!

Can someone help, please!

Where in the motherfuck were
you clowns?! They took...

Look at all my stuff. It's gone!

- Oh, my God.
- LISETTE: Where were you?

Oh, my God... They
got almost everything.

Miss... ya can't smoke in here.

Yeah? Like I'm the problem?

[AMBIENT STREET NOISE]

[DOOR OPENING]

- Honey?
- Mom.

Oh, sweetie.

- [BRADY CRYING]
- Oh, honey.

Oh, it's okay.

- Everyone's breaking up.
- We're not.

- It's okay.
- [SOBBING]

I'm not goin' anywhere.

It's okay. You're home now.

You're home now.

It's okay.

- Alright, hold up.
- Here ya go.

DRIVER: Come on! How much longer?!

SEEMA: Are we even moving?

Garbage truck. Third one today.

I'm just gonna walk home.
It's just around the corner.

This city...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What a cutie. May I pet it?

Hey! Who's a beauty?

You are. Yes, you are, you are.

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my God.

No!

♪ ♪

Lisette, it's Carrie.

Lisette?

I know the key was only
meant for emergencies,

but this felt like one.

I brought some chocolates
my friend sent me.

I can't eat the whole box alone.

I mean, I could, but...

- Yum.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]

How are you?

It's gone.

Everything I worked
so hard to make, and...

it was perfect.

I have to start all over again.

I know how you feel.

May I join you?

[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]

At some point, we'll have to get up...

but not now.

♪ ♪

"And as I held on to
John one final time,

"the rising water on the shower floor

turned the blue of my
wedding shoes black."

Okay, that's chapter three. Done.

We got all the pick-ups? Yeah?

- JIMMY: We're good.
- Done, done.

- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]
- That's all she wrote.

You did it, Carrie.

Yep.

I did it.

♪ ♪

- Wow.
- A toast. To the classy,

old-fashioned mugger

who just took my wallet...
and tossed my purse.

Absolutely. To New York City.

The good and the bad.

And by bad, do you mean
this communal table?

Hey, ladies! Cheers to you.

Oh... cheers!

- Where're you in from?
- I'm New York City, born and bred.

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
What about you, mate?

- NICK: Very good.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]

Yes, we're all from Sydney.

- We're here on a rugby trip.
- Ooh.

We're having a bloody
good time in New York City.

- Right, boys?
- [ALL AGREE]

Oh, hey there, "born and bred."

We only have two more days here,

so how 'bout we slide down,

buy you a round, and you can tell us

what we need to see before we leave?

Okay, I'm into New York again.

Let's get this party started over here!

[LAUGHTER]

CARRIE: And just like that...

I got COVID.

["DO IT ALL AGAIN" BY JORDAN
SHAW AND PUNCTUAL PLAYING]

♪ And again ♪

♪ When the lights go down,
we'll do it all again ♪

♪ And again ♪

♪ And again ♪