05x09 - Bradfordgate

[bunniefuu]

I accepted this appointment

for one reason.

To help improve the public

school system in this state.

I'm doing a feature article

on your dad.

Mind if I ask you

a few questions?

I guess it couldn't hurt.

We need men like you

in state government, Bradford.

Thank you, senator,

and I won't let you down.

- It was all a big mix-up.

- p*rn theater?

(Tom)

'Bradford linked

to p*rn theater?'

What do you want, Bradford?

I want you to stop

trying to crucify me.

I think I can do a good job.

Yeah, for who?

The public or your ego?

[theme song]

♪ There's a magic in

the early morning we've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles

on everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel and always will ♪

♪ For eight is enough

to fill our lives with love ♪

♪ Oh we spend our days like

bright and shiny new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled

by the changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

- What's wrong with you?

- I hate life.

You think it's bad now,

wait till you hit puberty.

What a mess.

At least

they don't call you cute.

I'm sick and tired

of being called

cute, adorable, and precious.

Oh, some problem.

Well, you don't know,

what it's like being

patted on the hair

like a chihuahua.

- Come on.

- I'm serious.

And then they talk to you

like you're a chihuahua.

I think you're making a bigger

deal out of this than there is.

I'll keep that in mind

next time dad's boss comes over

pinches my cheek and says

"How's little

weeper snapper today?"

Makes me wanna barf.

I guess that could

get on your nerves.

You kidding?

I'm gonna have a breakdown.

Well, look, if it'll make you

feel any better

I don't think you're cute.

As a matter of fact, I find you

pretty disgusting sometimes.

- Really?

- Yeah, you gross me out a lot.

- Thanks.

- No sweat.

What about

the rest of the world?

I don't know.

Change your image, maybe.

- How do I do that?

- It won't be easy.

You got a lot to overcome

and you also risk

the chance of getting punished.

I don't care.

I'll do anything.

Okay, here's what you gotta do.

Well, d-did you find it?

Well, it's not

on the front page, dad.

It's not

on the feature section either.

- I can't find it anywhere.

- Gee.

Eliot said he was gonna put it

in a well-read section.

Oh, maybe it's next to sports.

I hardly think that an article

about a State Board

of Education appointee would be

next to the football stories.

Why not? When the governor

first picked you

it showed up next

to the obituaries, remember?

- I remember.

- People thought you were dead.

I remember.

But that was weeks ago.

I mean, people don't really

get interested in these things

until there's

a confirmation hearing.

Then it's really big news.

Oh, yeah, somebody coming back

from the grave to do a job

now that's human interest.

Well, I can't find it, dad,

but I'm sure you will.

I gotta go. Jeffrey has

a surprise story for me--

Oh, yes, maybe

it's my press conference.

The governor's

going to be there.

Uh, no, I don't think so, daddy.

He said it was something

real good.

[laughs]

Bye.

Nicholas, you better hurry up.

You're gonna be late.

I want the comics.

Nicholas, just, uh,

drink your milk

and get ready for school.

I'm ready for school,

I'm not drinking my milk

and I'm going to read

the comics.

Listen, young man, don't you

ever talk back to me like that?

Now I wanna see that glass

of milk empty in short order.

Okay.

- Nicholas.

- Nicholas!

- Hey, dad, dad.

- What?

- I found your article.

- Oh, where?

Right next to the comics.

Come on, Jeff, give,

what's the story?

Look, I've been giving it

a lot of thought.

I'm not sure you're ready

for an assignment like this.

What do you mean?

Of course, I'm ready.

I got another one here.

Almond haddock got--

Oh, no, no, no, forget it, Jeff.

I know your tactics.

I don't want the almond story.

I want the other one.

- Okay, if you insist.

- Yes, thank you.

Mr. Video Dating Center.

Yep, you go

through the program--

No, no, no, no,

you go through the program

like a regular client

but undercover.

Only the manager will know

you're a reporter.

You conned me.

It could be

a very interesting piece.

Video dating services are

getting to be very popular.

You know, you're gonna be

really sorry if I fall in love.

Good luck, Bradford.

Oh, you know, I'm known to get

very wrapped up in my work.

- Very, very wrapped up.

- Mm-hmm.

Uh, Jeff.

Wh-what was the almond story?

- Just an interview.

- Oh.

With the vice president

of the United States.

Oh.

(Tom)

'Well, you know, Eliot,

I am a little hurt.'

My own newspaper puts me

next to "Captain Crunch

And The Space Cookies."

Well, and it happens to be

a very popular comic strip, Tom.

You probably got

a lot of exposure.

- Sure, with ten year olds.

- Well, I don't know, Tom.

I happen to read

Commander Crunch myself.

- Why doesn't that surprise me?

- Oh, Tom, you're a newsman.

You know, the bigger the story,

the better the position it gets.

Front page,

"Chimpanzee escapes from zoo."

That's a big story?

Well, there's more to it

than that, Tom.

He was captured

in a ladies' hot tub.

Oh, well, I can hardly wait

to hear about it.

Did the monkey

have his clothes on?

Tom, it sells papers.

- Your appointment doesn't.

- Thanks.

Well, I don't mean

to be callous, Tom.

But after all, you have

been walking around here

the past couple of weeks as if

you were boarding Air Force One.

- I happen to be very honored.

- And so you should be.

I just don't want you to be

naive about it, that's all.

Now wait a minute. What,

what are you talking about?

Tom, let's just look at

the political reality of this.

The governor's been under

a lot of fire recently

because of a couple

of key appointments, right?

I suppose.

The last thing

in the world he wants

is a scandal, right?

And in the middle of all this

someone on the Board

of Education resigns.

What would you do?

Well, hire someone safe,

I guess.

Tom Bradford, an inexperienced

but popular columnist

who incidentally has recently

published a series of columns

on the importance of education.

No, it isn't important

why I got the appointment.

Now I'll be able to do

some of the things

I've been writing about.

I mean, a public education

is important enough

to warrant the attention

of the press.

I agree, Tom,

but don't expect so much.

It isn't Watergate.

Yeah, but you are

planning to cover

my press conference today,

aren't you?

- Of course.

- Thank you.

After all,

the governor will be there.

(male # )

'I'm telling you, Joannie'

Mr. Video can find a date

for anybody.

Nerds, klutzes, lowlife.

- Even normal people.

- Encouraging.

All we've done is to take the

techniques of computer dating

and add the advantages

of videotape.

People can now see

what they're getting.

Like a meat market.

Meat market is unfair, Joannie.

We do much more than that here.

Like a deli then?

Look, I know you're skeptical,

but we've been responsible

for some very successful

relationships.

Oh, really?

You know, Joannie,

one of our couples

is celebrating

their sixth week anniversary.

Do you call that successful?

This is California,

Joannie, California.

Oh.

Oh, excuse me. Pardon me.

Tom, I'm Barry Hopper

assistant press liaison

under the governor.

I'm sorry, I'm late, but we are

running way behind schedule.

- Oh, I'm sure, the governor--

- Very good.

Now as soon as

the governor gets here

I'll introduce him.

He'll make a brief statement

and introduce you.

You'll make a brief statement

and introduce me.

Make your answers

vague, accurate.

- And most importantly--

- Brief.

- Brief. Very good, very good.

- Uh-huh.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, oh, good news, Tom.

The governor can't make it.

This could just put us

right back on schedule.

Excuse me. Uh, could I

have your attention, please?

'Attention, please.'

"Unfortunately, the governor

was called into a meeting

"at the last minute and won't

be able to join us today.

'"However, he wanted me

to pass on to you'

'"how pleased he is

to have Tom Bradford'

'"as his appointee

to the Board of Education'

'"and is confident that

the Senate Rules Committee'

'"will recommend

unanimous confirmation'

after tomorrow's hearing."

Well, I've said enough.

Now it's time for you

to find out for yourself

a little more about Tom

and what he stands for.

Tom.

And I enjoy men

who are compassionate

and dedicated

and who are sensitive

to the needs of others.

Well, what do you think?

I think it sounds

like I wanna go out

with Cardinal Cushing.

Nonsense. That's a great tape.

Oh, what happens next?

We put your tape

in the new material section

of our computer date bank.

That's the first place

our regulars look

when they come in here.

- Well, they come in often?

- Are you kidding?

By this time tomorrow, or

of our clients

will have seen your tape.

- That many?

- Yeah.

Meanwhile, you can be doing

a little looking on your own.

Now here's a list of names

the computers determine you

to be compatible with.

- Right here.

- Henrietta Weintraub?

This is California,

Joannie, California.

What sort of reading material

do you feel the student

should be exposed to

at the grade school level?

Well, uh, all kinds, really.

Uh, but only if

they are wholesome

and have value, of course.

Including those

of an entertainment nature?

Yeah, I don't see why not.

But only in addition

to their regular textbooks.

It's like a newspaper.

I don't mind my -year-old son

reading the comics

just so long as he takes

a look at the front page.

Oh, well put, Tom. Well put. Uh,

I'm afraid we're out of time.

Thank you all for coming.

- Hi.

- Hi. How did it go?

- Well, it was interesting.

- Interesting how?

Like the same way,

it's interesting to watch

the judge's face

when he sentences you

to the electric chair.

You're exaggerating.

Me and one reporter

is not an exaggeration.

The worst part is,

it was a reporter

from "The Evening Tribune."

Well, maybe he'll give you

a good write-up.

Here's the paper, Mr. Bradford.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Nicholas, I wanna talk to you

about your behavior

this morning.

Yeah, you made

the front page.

Jeremy, that's wonderful,

but I wanna talk to Nic..

- Wha, the front page?

- Yeah, the front page.

The front page?

'Oh, no.'

Tom, if "The Register" printed

an article defending you

against the "Trib," it will

just look like favoritism.

But it would clear up the facts.

I don't know about that.

It might equate more people

with a misquote.

Alright, you may be right, but

let me just point out one thing.

If the "Register" reporter

had stuck around long enough

to digest his free donuts

this whole thing might

never have happened.

Tom, I'm sorry.

It was a very busy news day.

Oh, let me guess, the chimpanzee

was so happy with his hot tub

that he opened up his own spa?

Grand openings

are very newsworthy, Tom.

I promised to cover

your confirmation

and I'm going to do it.

But you also promised to have

a seasoned reporter. No rookies.

- A seasoned reporter, Tom.

- Thank you.

None of them wanted

to go out with me?

- None?

- Hey, relax, Joannie.

You only picked seven names.

But there were only eight

on the list.

Look, Joannie, don't take this

so personally.

Four of these guys are already

involved with somebody.

One will only go out

with girls with tattoos.

Another's in the hospital

with a ruptured lip.

Well, that's only six.

What about the other one?

He's got his heart set

on Henrietta.

'Look, Joannie,

don't be discouraged.'

The compatibility list

is only the starting point.

We have over male clients

here at Mr. Video.

- Okay.

- 'That's my girl.'

I want you to check back

with me around o'clock.

A lot of the regulars stop in

during their lunch hour

to check out the new material.

Okay. Around : .

You're bound to have something

by then. I just know it.

Tom, Tom, I'm sorry, I'm late,

but we're running--

(both)

'Way behind schedule.'

Very good.

Uh, Tom,

before the hearing begins

there's something I think

we need to talk about.

Yes, last night's paper.

Uh, Tom, this appointment is

very important to the governor.

We'd like to see it go smoothly.

Now you know as well as I do

that the "Tribune"

distorted what I said.

Yes, they did, but you have

to be aware of that possibility

every time you open your mouth.

Look, I always say

what's on my mind.

I do it in my columns

and I will continue to do it

on the Board of Education.

I'm not asking you

to compromise yourself

but there are several different

ways to say the same thing.

Some ways are safer

than others, right?

Very good.

Let me remind you

of one thing.

I am not a politician.

I don't care about the

governor's political problems.

I accepted this appointment

for one reason.

To help improve the public

school system in this state.

And all I ask is you do not

blow the opportunity.

Any trace of scandal,

any minor slip of the tongue

has the potential

of mushrooming.

We better get going.

The schedule, you know?

The, oh, yeah, the schedule.

Yes, let's go.

Sit down, Nicholas.

You know why you were

sent to my office?

'Cause you were lonely?

Think hard.

'Cause I told Mrs. Rogers

to sit on it?

That was very good, Nicholas.

Very good.

Thanks.

Now maybe you can answer

another question.

'What do you think I should do

about this situation?'

Let bygones be bygones.

Nicholas, for the last two days

your behavior

has been deplorable.

'The only reason you haven't

been sent here earlier'

is because of your clean record.

So what's the problem?

Overcrowding. That's it.

Too many people make me tense.

I see.

You're sure now.

That is the problem?

Well, I think I can

help you out, Nicholas.

How would you like me to fix it,

so that you can be away

from all those other kids

once in a while?

- That'd be great.

- Then it's settled.

For the next month, you will

stay inside during recess.

'Then while everyone else

is outside playing ball'

'and getting on

each other's nerves'

'you can really have

a chance to be alone.'

On second thought,

I think the problem's

a little more deeper

than just overcrowding.

Tough.

But see, you don't understand.

I don't wanna--

Nicholas, sit on it.

(Barry)

'Now you won't have to worry

about Senator Theil.'

He'll just ask a lot

of stupid questions

like have you ever been

a member of the n*zi party?

- You haven't, have you?

- Of course not.

Alright, now Senator Braff

is another story.

You'll think he's in a coma,

but don't let that fool you.

Well, I've never been fooled by

a comatose person in my life.

Very good. Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Oh, Cal. Cal Fitzpatrick.

Hi. Tom Bradford.

We worked together years ago.

- Don't remember ya.

- It was on the old "Gazette."

I was just a cub reporter

and you were--

Don't wanna remember you.

Hey, Tom,

we're going to be late.

Oh, yeah, but I..

Gosh I thought you retired?

Just doing Eliot Randolph

a favor.

- Eliot?

- Got called short-handed.

Needed a man

to cover some, uh, hearing.

We really are going to be late.

- What, not this hearing?

- Yeah.

Some joker named,

uh, Tom, Tom--

- Tom Bradford.

- Told ya, I don't remember ya.

- Come on, let's go.

- But--

No, it could be worse.

At least I heard the guy

from the "Trib" isn't here.

Joannie, how's the story coming?

Oh, it's great, Jeff.

It's great.

I think you were right.

It's gonna be a really

interesting piece.

You still don't

have a date, huh?

Yeah, that's what makes it

so interesting.

Hey, come on. Cheer up!

I'm sure someone

will go out with you.

There's a lot of hard-up guys

out there.

Thanks a lot, Jeff.

I feel better already.

Mr. Bradford, um, are you now

or have you ever been a member

of the n*zi party?

No.

- Would you like to be?

- No.

Have you ever seen

"Hogan's Heroes?"

Begging the senator's pardon,

but I don't see how this has

any bearing on my appointment.

But obviously the senator's more

experienced on these matters

so I will defer

to your good judgment.

Mr. Bradford,

what was this garbage

all about in last night's paper?

'Comics in school?'

Oh, yes, I'm glad

you brought that up, senator.

And I'm especially happy

that there is a representative

of the press here to see

that the record is straight.

[snores]

Oh, for Pete's sakes.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm, uh, Bruce Taylor.

I'm with "The Tribune."

I'm doing a feature article

on your dad.

Mind if I ask you

a few questions?

- What kind of questions?

- Just, uh, biographical stuff.

When he was born, where he

grew up, things like that.

- Well--

- 'I'd really appreciate it.'

See, if I go back

to my editor empty-handed

he's gonna come down

on me pretty hard.

Oh, I guess it couldn't hurt.

Come on in.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Well, Mr. Bradford,

I think that covers everything.

'You'll know our recommendation

in a few days.'

- Fine.

- However..

Yes, senator?

I, for one, am going to vote

that we, uh, recommend

unanimous confirmation.

You are?

We need men like you

in state government, Bradford.

People who will set a fine moral

example to the youth of today.

Thank you, senator,

and I won't let you down.

This committee is now adjourned

until : p.m. tomorrow.

- It went well, huh?

- It went better than well.

Braff is the chairman.

He carries a lot of weight.

You're practically a shoo-in.

Congratulations, Tom.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

- So that's it?

- That's it.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Ah, I have, uh, just

one more question, Elizabeth.

What kind of a father

would you say your dad is?

Oh, I don't know.

Um, he's kind and he's patient.

You know, he's a good father.

And he's always set

a good example for us kids.

- Always?

- Yeah, always.

Not according to my sources.

I don't know

what you're talkin' about.

- 'I think you do.'

- No, I don't.

Okay, uh, I'm just going

to have to write the article

with the information I have.

'Unfortunately, it's gonna

make him look sort of bad.'

Well, thank you

for your time, Elizabeth.

Uh, wait a minute.

You wouldn't be talking

about that ridiculous

stock merger, would you?

'I mean, that's

the only possible thing--'

That's exactly

what I'm talking about

but according to my sources,

it wasn't so ridiculous.

Oh, come on. He didn't

even know that he owned it.

It was all a big mix-up.

You don't believe that, do you?

Of course, I do.

You should have heard him scream

when he found out

that the place was a..

p*rn theater? p*rn theater?

- Dad, wait a minute.

- I can't believe this.

- Dad, he tricked me.

- p*rn theater.

Daddy, you didn't do

anything wrong.

Well, try explaining that

to all the people

that read the "Evening Tribune".

Uh, "Bradford linked

to p*rn theater!"

Do you have any idea what this

could mean to my appointment?

I'm sure if Elizabeth had known

that this could possibly

have happened, she would

never have talked to the guy.

Yeah, well, now they know,

now she knows, everybody knows!

You know, this appointment

really meant a lot to me.

Look, kids, in the future,

please don't talk to the press.

Just tell them, no comment.

But, dad,

wouldn't that look like

we're trying to cover

something up?

Maybe, but it would be

a whole lot better

than uncovering something

like this!

Jeremy, how much longer

do I have to keep this up?

Till you permanently change

everybody's opinion of you.

Stop now and they'll just

think it was a stage.

But it's a lot of hard work

getting everyone disgusted.

You think I don't know?

Sometimes I feel like

chucking it all myself.

Really?

Yeah, but then I think

of the alternative.

I'd be nice.

Jeremy, I don't think

that's possible.

That's easy for you to say.

You like me.

What about the others?

Before you know it,

they'll be petting me

like a chihuahua.

People can be cruel.

Yeah, well, Nicholas,

don't stop.

You know, anything worth

doing is worth doing right.

- Right?

- Right.

Now when's the last time

you took a shower?

Two days ago.

Good, you should start to smell

soon, which will help.

(Jeffrey)

'I think you're just

feeling sorry for yourself.'

(Joannie)

'Well, how would you feel?'

Look, I'm sure there's

a very simple explanation

why you haven't been

able to get a date.

Yeah, I'm sure there is.

I got a boring personality.

Unattractive features,

big pores.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, I don't expect you

to understand, Jeffrey.

You have such tiny,

cute little pores.

Are you forgetting something?

Are you forgetting

that I, Tiny Pore Trout

happen to have

a very big crush on you?

- Doesn't that say something?

- Yeah.

- What?

- You had to settle.

- Oh, come on. This is crazy.

- Crazy?

Then can you explain

why klutzes

nerds and lowlifes

have passed me by?

Yes, you're too sophisticated

for those people.

They see your tape,

they get real scared.

- Scared?

- Uh, no.

I'd, I don't mean

scared like that.

- I-I mean frightened.

- Oh.

No, frightened is not

what I meant at all.

- Horrified.

- No.

- Disgusted.

- No, Joannie, come on.

Look, what do you say

we just can the whole story

chalk it up to a fluke

and let it go at that?

- Repulsed.

- No.

I'll get a thesaurus.

Tom, are you gonna

talk to Nicholas?

Tonight. Right now,

I'm gonna have a little talk

with that "Tribune" reporter.

You know, I think

you were a little rough

on the kids last night.

Yeah, I guess I was.

But they've gotta realize

the implications

of something like that.

If these things keep happening

it's gonna put the appointment

in jeopardy.

[telephone rings]

Hello? Yes, just a minute.

It's Barry Harper.

- Barry, I-I guess you heard?

- You could say that.

Half the reporters in Sacramento

are outside my office.

It's a distortion, Barry.

A big distortion.

You can check

the facts yourself.

I already did.

Now look, I think I can smooth

things over this time

but you have got to put a lid

on this kind of junk.

- I know.

- Alright.

Now, look, I did some research

on that reporter from the "Trib"

and I came up with something

very interesting.

My column isn't up to

its usual standards today.

But then of course, I've been

under a lot of pressure lately.

Mind if I sit down?

Thank you.

You know a friend of mine

from the "Trib"

told me that I might

find you here.

You'll understand, of course,

if I don't mention his name?

What do you want, Bradford?

Oh, oh, I'm glad you asked.

Generally, I would like you to

live up to your responsibility

as a writer.

Specifically, I want you

to stop trying to crucify me.

Look, I don't have

anything against you.

They send me out on a story,

I cover it.

By the time they rewrite 'em and

the editor get through with it

I don't know

how it's gonna come out myself.

Oh, I think you have

a pretty good idea.

Listen, Taylor, this appointment

means a lot to me.

I think I can do a good job.

Yeah, for who?

The public or your ego?

I'm trying to reason with you.

I'm trying to hold on to my job!

For some of us,

that means a lot too.

Especially since you were fired

from your last job

because of incompetence.

You don't know

all the facts about that.

Welcome to the club.

This discussion is finished,

Mr. Bradford.

That all depends.

It could be just the beginning.

My column is on page one.

Sometimes it can prove

very lively reading.

That's playing pretty dirty

for you, Bradford.

I agree.

But that seems to be

the only kind of play

that you respond to, Mr. Taylor.

Now this guy really wants

to go out with me?

He really wants

to go out with you.

Okay.

Hi. Uh, my name is Bill Kendall.

I'm afraid there's not a lot

to tell about myself.

Uh, I graduated Harvard law

last year...barely

and, uh, my job

with a local law firm

keeps me pretty busy now.

Maybe that's because

I haven't found the right girl

to tear me away.

'Uh, anyway, I do enjoy'

'the movies, uh,

and especially the theater.'

The theater.

You're sure this guy

wants to go out with me?

As soon as possible.

(Bill on TV)

'I'm pretty athletic.

Uh, I like to ski a lot.'

'I'm just learning to play

a pretty good game of tennis.'

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Is something wrong?

- No, no.

What's the matter?

Did the "Trib" print

another story again?

As a matter of fact, they don't

even mention my name.

No new story,

no follow-up story. Nothing.

Well, that's good. So your talk

with the reporter helped.

Yeah. I guess it did.

Well, you don't seem

very happy about it.

- Why the long face?

- No, no, I am happy.

It's just, well you know,

it wasn't a very pleasant talk.

Hmm. Oh, I see.

But it's gonna be good, I mean,

all the things you wanna do

the changes you wanna make.

You've always said that if it's

important enough to believe in

it's important enough

to fight for.

You're right.

The important thing

is getting the appointment.

And I am getting

the appointment.

Means a lot to you,

doesn't it?

I always felt cheated

about my schooling.

Eight grades in one room.

No college.

For someone like me

to be given this opportunity..

...I can't let it

get away from me.

And I won't.

I just couldn't

hold it in anymore.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Oh, I usually don't shriek

like that. Did I embarrass you?

No, but I think it gave

Juliet a heart att*ck.

I know!

Why was such an old woman

playing Juliet?

I don't know. What was Juliet

doing in "Hamlet?"

I had a good time tonight,

Joannie.

Oh, I'm glad. So did I.

You know, Joannie,

before tonight

I didn't think

I'd be able to find someone.

- Oh, I know what you mean.

- I could get dates, sure.

But no one I can really be

comfortable with like you.

Really?

Then a friend suggested

I try Mr. Video.

- I was skeptical, of course.

- Of course.

But I was so lonely, Joannie.

I was ready to try anything.

And it all paid off tonight

in a big way.

Um..

Bill, there was, um, something

I was gonna tell you later

that I think is better said now.

I know exactly

what you mean, Joannie.

I think we're both

feeling the same thing.

No, no, what I mean

is why I'm here.

Why I came to Mr. Video.

You see, actually I--

Joannie, it's nothing

to be embarrassed about.

- No--

- Mr. Video brought us together.

- But, Bill, what I'm--

- It's all that really counts.

No, I--

For the first time in my life,

I am really happy.

(Tom)

'Uh, Nicholas, I think

that we should have'

one of our little talks.

I'm really not

in the mood, dad.

Oh, well, now

that is unfortunate, isn't it?

[sniffs]

[groans]

Nicholas.

Whatever happened

to the nice, well-mannered

clean, young man who used

to call himself my son?

I don't know

what you're talking about.

Oh.

Well, then let me

express myself more clearly.

You are disrespectful..

...sarcastic, rude, fresh, lazy

dirty, unkempt, poorly dressed

and furthermore, you smell!

Dad, I have my faults.

That's all you have

to say for yourself?

Nicholas, tomorrow morning

either my old son

comes down those stairs

or your new father comes up.

You're new,

not-so-lenient father.

Do you understand?

I don't care

what you do to me.

I'm not going back

to being cute.

Never, no matter what.

What? Cute?

Oh! So that's what

this is all about.

Oh, Nicholas.

That's so silly.

Yeah? Then so is

the newspaper stuff.

- What are you talking about?

- It's the same thing, dad.

People are trying to make you

something you're not.

You don't like it, do you?

No, I don't.

Then you know how I feel.

Dad, Mr. Hopper's downstairs.

I think it's important.

(Tom)

'Barry, hi!'

Come on into the study.

We'll have a--

Uh, thanks, I can't stay.

- Is something wrong?

- Uh..

The p*rn story was hotter

than I thought, Tom.

Yeah,

but you straightened it out.

Well, this time, but we might

not be as lucky the next time

something like this comes up.

Why does there have

to be a next time?

We took care of Taylor,

my family knows enough not to--

Tom, ever since

that story broke

my phone has been

ringing off the hook.

Every reporter in town wants

a Tom Bradford story now.

Well, then now is the time

to tell them what I stand for.

- The things that I wanna do.

- Tom, be realistic.

You're not a knight

in shining armor.

In the media's eyes, you are

a questionable public figure.

Someone to be exposed!

Well, then let's change

that opinion.

We'll have, uh, another

press conference.

It's-it's too late for that.

You're an issue now.

It's exactly what

the governor wanted to avoid.

He wants me to withdraw,

doesn't he?

Doesn't he?

I'm sorry, Tom.

(Tom)

'Yes, governor, I do understand

the political realities'

but when you offered me

this position, you said

that you felt as strongly

about education as I felt.

Well, look,

if that's still the case

isn't it worth

taking a chance?

Governor, I know I can

win those reporters over

if you'll just

let me try, please?

Oh, thank you, governor!

Right, bye.

Now, you realize the governor

is putting himself

on the line for you.

I realize it.

Now the next step is a press

conference at your house today.

Today?

'The sooner we turn this

thing around, the better.'

But it's Saturday, I mean--

Tom, this is still a long sh*t.

Changing people's minds

isn't easy.

We'll, uh, we'll portray you

as the innocent victim.

- I am the innocent victim!

- Well, good, that'll help.

Now, Tom, listen.

You have got to follow

my instructions to the letter.

- I understand.

- This is our last chance.

We can't afford

one little slip-up

from you or your family.

Are you sure

this is the right time?

Maybe he needs to be alone.

No, he needs to know

we're behind him.

Oh, good, you're here.

- The governor has reconsidered.

- Tom, that's great!

So there gonna have

a press conference here today

and Mr. Harper's coming over

to give you all instructions.

Instructions?

Well, you know,

on your behavior and all.

Mr. Harper's concerned

about our behavior?

Yes, and so am I. We have

to be at our very best.

We have to act our best

and look our best.

And you can't say anything

that's going to

embarrass your father.

- Tom, what would we say that--

- Come on, Abby!

Get the house ready.

Let's go, kid!

(Joannie)

'Oh, no, I do love them.'

'All of them!'

Yes. No, it's just that I can't

talk right now, Bill, okay?

And listen, um, would you

try not to call as often?

Right. The receptionist is

getting a little irritated.

No. Disguising your voice

will not help, Bill.

Goodbye.

Oh, gee.

If Ronald Reagan calls,

I'm not in.

I can't believe you told this

guy you were just a secretary.

Oh, Jeffrey. He said he was

so lonely before he met me.

I was afraid

the truth would hurt him.

I can't understand how he could

be this much in love anyway.

Well, thanks a lot!

Joannie, you only had

one date with him.

So? It happens.

Tell him you're a reporter doing

a story and get it over with.

The longer you wait,

the worse it's gonna be.

- You're right. Poor guy.

- I was talking about me.

- You're jealous.

- Just tell him!

- You're jealous.

- Just tell him!

He's jealous!

Now at exactly p.m.

the caterer will deliver

the deli plates.

I've already selected

three strategic locations

for food placement, so you

don't have to worry about that.

Gee, thanks.

What a load off my mind!

At p.m.,

you should all be down here

'and ready for inspection.'

'Just a word of warning!'

No T-shirts, no jeans

no cut-offs and no cleavage.

- Cleavage?

- Exactly.

Now at : ,

the Mike Sullivan orchestra

will start setting up

their equipment, uh

about over in here I think.

We're going to have

an orchestra?

Well, uh, actually

it's just a quartet

but they have

a very big sound.

Now at : , the press

will begin to show up.

Greet them with a smile

and a firm handshake.

- No courtesy?

- No, it might look too proper.

Remember, you're just

an ordinary normal family.

Be friendly, cheerful, courteous

but above all, act natural.

Otherwise, you'll seem phony

and it'll look like

we staged the whole thing.

See you at : .

(Abby)

'Oh, great!'

Now, Tom,

what about the small one?

The one who called me a moron?

I'm sorry about that,

Barry, it's just that

well, Nicholas has been

having a few problems.

But what are we going

to do about him?

I'm sure he'll stay in his room.

And what if he doesn't?

What if he decides to come down

and spit on people?

'Insult them? Who knows what?'

Well, I-I think

that Nicholas realizes

how important this is to me.

'Just as I realize how important

this situation is to him.'

I think that he, uh, he realizes

that you don't solve

your problem by creating another

problem for someone else.

I sure hope you're right, Tom.

Yeah, so do I.

So do I.

Mr. Harper already called, dad.

Yes. I know

how important it is, dad.

Yes.

Family unity.

No cleavage.

Dad, I promised I would be there

and I'll be there, okay?

Alright. See you later. Bye.

Bill, what are you doing here?

I tried to call,

but couldn't get through.

Do you realize that operator

hung up on Ronald Reagan

Gerald Ford and Richard Nixon?

She's a democrat.

I need to talk to you, Joannie.

I need to talk to you too.

Is there someplace

where we can be alone?

- Joannie, I want--

- Uh, Bill.

Before you say anything

there's a confession

that I need to make.

- Joannie, I know.

- What?

I've known from the beginning.

That's what I came

here to tell you.

Well, what exactly

do you know?

That you're a reporter,

not a secretary

and you're doing a piece

on video dating services.

- You know.

- I've known all along.

Mr. Roth told me

before we went out.

In fact, he, uh, hired me

to go out with you.

- He hired you? Why?

- You couldn't get a date.

That's not very good press

for a business

that claims it can find dates

for anyone.

'And, uh, he told me

to pretend that I'm--'

- That you're crazy about me.

- But I do like you, Joannie.

That's why I couldn't keep

putting you on like this--

Oh, this is so humiliating.

I really am fond of you.

- Oh, I couldn't get a date?

- Joannie, if you just--

Do they have to pay somebody

to go out with me?

Nerds, klutzes, lowlifes,

but not me!

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, yes, this is good.

Very good.

Well, on the seventh day,

he rest.

- Well, Tom, this is it!

- Oh!

- Well, I wanna tell everybody--

- No, better to save it, Tom.

You might peak emotionally and

have nothing left for the press.

Oh, uh, places.

Places, places, everyone.

Places, places.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Alright. Take a breath.

Smile. Here we go.

- Hi, there.

- Hi.

My name is Tom Bradford.

I'm-I'm..

Where's the..

It's okay, I'll find it.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm, uh, yeah, he had to..

- I want somethin' to drink.

- Me too.

You're too upset

to go anywhere.

- I promised my father.

- Your father will understand.

Let me take you out for lunch

and convince you

how ridiculous all this is!

I gotta get home.

It's very important

to him that I be there.

Listen to me.

I guarantee you a date anytime.

I don't even need

to see your tape.

Thanks, Jeff.

[telephone rings]

Oh. Look.

Would you take a message

for me? I'm late.

Hello.

No, she's not here,

but I could--

Look, I gotta tell her.

It was all a mistake.

- A computer error.

- Computer error?

Alright. I'll have her call you.

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

Cheeseballs?

Uh, no, thank you, honey.

- Uh, uh, Tom, Tom?

- Yes?

Meet Bill Stahl,

K-U-R-D, Kurd Radio.

He's a jogging freak,

you know, just like you.

- No kidding. Just like me.

- Yes.

Say, maybe the two of you

could run tomorrow.

Get to know each other.

Bill's a friend

of the governor, you know.

That's a good idea.

I'm up for miles tomorrow.

No kidding. miles.

Would you like

some more cheeseballs?

But, you see, I've decided

to go to college now.

See, dad has taught me

the value of a good education.

And what about you, young man?

What do you wanna be

when you grow up?

Like you, mister,

I think I'd like to be a..

[clears throat]

...writer,

just like Mr. Bradford.

Get a little lonesome

sometimes, do you?

No. No, actually,

I-I keep very busy.

And, uh, well,

whenever we're both at work

Tom and I, well, we-we keep

very close in spirit.

Yes, well, if you,

um, ever decide

to give up the ghost.

Uh, it was very nice

talking to you.

I-I, I have to go.

I-I have..

There's some..

I.. In the kitchen.

Hi, excuse me.

I-I don't think we've met.

I'm Mary Bradford,

Tom Bradford's daughter.

- Who?

- Tom Bradford.

I think he's going

to make a great member

on the Board of Education.

Tom Bradford.

The name sounds familiar.

Oh, this is Tom Bradford

right here.

- Say, I think I--

- Uh, forget it.

Now this is the way to throw

a press conference, Tom.

You're learning.

- Taylor.

- Being here wasn't my idea.

Don't worry, I just

wanna hold on to my job.

Nothing more.

- Joannie, where have you been?

- I'm sorry, dad.

I mean, everybody else

manages to get here on time.

- Why can't you?

- I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry.

- Why, is anythin' wrong?

- No.

Joannie, i-if you don't want

to mingle, you don't have to.

No, this is much

more important than..

Really, I'll be fine.

Oh, I'm Joannie Bradford.

- Tom?

- Oh, yes.

Tom, where are you going?

Nicholas has been

up in his room all day.

I just wanted to see

if he's still there.

Yeah, later, Tom.

It's time to make a statement

and take some questions.

- This won't take long.

- Tom.

We're running out

of cheeseballs

and the scotch is almost sh*t.

We better do it now

before we lose our audience.

I think you're forgetting

how important this is, Tom.

We have them right

where we want them.

'Let's not blow it now.'

Um, ladies and gentlemen, uh

may I have

your attention, please?

Quiet, please.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the press

Tom Bradford.

And in case any of you

have any plans about leaving

well, you're in trouble because

I've bolted all the doors.

'You're all trapped.'

I know I've had a lot

of problems with the press

in the past, but, I-I think

that today has cleared that up.

We should all work..

(all)

'Aww.'

What an adorable little boy!

Isn't he just the cutest thing

you've ever seen?

[indistinct chatter]

I-I would like you all

to meet my..

...son Nicholas.

He made

a very big sacrifice tonight.

In fact, he,

he compromised to principle.

'It was very important to him.'

'I'm not sure

exactly why he did it'

except that he knew

how important

this conference was to me.

The fact is I've been

doing a lot of compromising

myself lately.

Only..

...not because

of someone I loved.

Because of something I wanted.

You see,

somewhere down the line

something happened to me.

'I started wanting

this appointment'

'a little too much'

'at the expense

of everything else.'

'A seat

on the Board of Education'

'is a wonderful thing'

'but it's not as wonderful

as my principles'

'or my family.'

'The education of children

is a great responsibility.'

One that I hope that you'll

all pay more attention to

in the future.

But for me, the..

...the responsibility

of my family is something

that I have to pay

my attention to right now.

For these reasons..

...I'm announcing my intentions

to withdraw my name

from consideration

as the governor's appointee

'to the State Board

of Education.'

[indistinct chatter]

I, uh, I just have

one more thing to say

and I'm afraid

this is going to be

even a bigger shock

to all of you.

[sighs]

We're out of cheeseballs.

[laughter]

Oh, we love you.

Listen, buddy, I don't

wanna have to say it again.

My sister doesn't

wanna go out with you.

Yeah, well, same to you too.

- A blank tape?

- Yeah.

The computer got all screwed up.

Every time

somebody punched my number

all they got

was a blank screen.

[telephone rings]

- I'll get it.

- Oh, thanks, Nicholas.

Funny thing

was one guy saw my tape

and he almost asked me out.

(Nicholas)

'No, she's not interested.'

Mr. Ross said he was looking

for a real low-key kind of girl.

- Oh.

- Low-key.

Joannie?

- 'It's another one.'

- Well, you know what to do.

Right.

- Another one?

- Yeah.

Ever since they put

the real tape back in

all kinds of guys

have been calling here.

Yeah, well, I thought

they couldn't call you

until you looked

at their tape.

Yeah, usually. Bill Kendall

thinks he's doing me a favor.

He post it

on the bulletin board.

- Get rid of him?

- No, he's still on the phone.

Well, didn't you tell him

I don't wanna go out?

- Yeah.

- Well, what does he want?

He wants to know

if you have Henrietta's number.

[theme music]