01x14 - Second Honeymoon

[bunniefuu]

[waves crashing]

- [Narrator]

Anne Jeffreys as Marion Kerby,

the ghostess with the mostest.

Robert Sterling as George Kerby

that most sportive spirit.

Leo G. Carroll, host to said ghosts as

Topper.

- Oh, it was so romantic.

There's the inn where we stopped.

Wait, I guess there's nothing

quite like a honeymoon.

- George, do you remember your honeymoon?

- Yeah.

Only I can't remember who was with me.

- There's Cosmo.

It doesn't seem like years ago.

- Is it really that long?

- Next Thursday will be

our silver anniversary.

I hope Cosmo remembers.

- You always forget ours.

- I only forget it once a year.

- I wish we could go back there again.

- A second honeymoon.

- Oh, Thelma.

I wonder if Cosmo would take

me back for our anniversary.

- How do you like that?

She wants to go back to

the scene of her crime.

[audience laughing]

- I wish I could go with you.

- So do I, dear, but this is a honeymoon.

Oh! I feel like a girl again.

[doorbell chiming]

There, there's Cosmo now.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- Really Henrietta.

If you need extra postage,

I'd be glad to give it to you.

[audience laughing]

- Comfy, darling?

- Did you remember, Topper?

- Remember what?

- Remember what, what?

- What?

- He forgot.

- I just asked if he would comfy, dear.

- I think so.

Yes, I'm comfy.

- Are you comfy, darling?

- Oh perfectly comfy, dear.

- Cosmo, dear.

You weren't planning anything

for next Thursday, were you?

- Next Thursday?

- You know what next Thursday

is, don't you, Topper?

- He don't know what time it is.

- Yes, I'm afraid I have

something planned for Thursday.

- Topper, you vile man.

- What are you hitting me for?

I didn't forget anything.

- That's just in case you do.

Topper, you've got to break that date.

- I'm afraid I can't break it either.

- Unless?

- No, no,

it won't be necessary.

- I'm glad of that dear.

You see this date of

mine is rather important.

I'm taking a lady to dinner.

- Well, that's one to celebrate.

- George, be quiet.

- You needn't explain, Cosmo.

- Thank you, dear.

I didn't think you'd mind.

You see, I've known this

lady for quite a long time.

In fact, I've been living with her.

- What?

- For years on Thursday.

- Topper, darling, I love you.

- Oh Cosmo, aren't you

ashamed of yourself?

- Not in the least.

After all, we are married.

- You know very well what I mean.

Pretending you'd forgotten.

Where are you going to take me?

- Well, I don't know, dear.

I hadn't really thought.

- Now comes the strategy.

- Why, what's this?

- It's just an old album, dear.

- What's it doing here?

- It was planted there by your wife.

- Now, George don't make trouble.

- I didn't mention any names.

- Cosmo, it's filled with

pictures of our honeymoon.

Oh look, there's the inn where we stopped.

Oh Cosmo, the Black Swan.

Wouldn't you love to see it?

- Yes, I'm looking at it now, dear.

Very nice.

- Oh Cosmo.

I wonder if it is wonderful

now as it was then.

- I doubt it, Henrietta.

You know, it's been years.

A lot of wear and tear.

[Henrietta weeping]

Henrietta what is it?

Well, what did I say?

- Ask her.

- Don't you know?

- Why, I was just talking

about an old building.

- No, you weren't.

To Henrietta, you were

talking about your marriage.

She wants to forget about the

wear and tear such as it is.

She wants to go on a second honeymoon.

- Oh, why didn't she say so?

- She wants you to ask her.

It's not too late, Topper.

- Oh all right, if that's what she wants.

- Wait, Topper.

Make a reservation at the

inn and then tell her.

Make her think you're longing to go.

That it was your idea rather than hers.

- Woman, thy name is operator?

[audience laughing]

- George?

- Yes, dear.

- Will you sit on this please?

- What do you want me to do?

Hatch it?

- Neil.

[Neil barking]

Sit.

- Never mind, I'll do it.

- Where do you think you're going?

- On your honeymoon, of course.

- Where else?

- Oh, no you're not.

- You mean I'm wasting all

this energy for nothing?

- Oh, but Topper, you can't leave us alone

in this big house.

Besides,

Neil has never been on a honeymoon.

[Neil barking]

- Okay, stop boasting.

- I will not have my honeymoon spoiled

by a pack of snooping ghouls.

- George, are you gonna stand

there, let him insult me?

- Certainly when he's

through, I'll insult you.

- What's more, I want you to

give me your word of honor

that you won't leave the house.

- Topper, you sure you don't want us?

- Absolutely, positive.

- He's wavering.

- All right then.

If you get lonesome, don't send for us

because we won't come.

- [George] [cork pops] What

are you doing in there?

- Uh-oh, there goes your

anniversary present.

And it was the rarest

bottle in your cellar.

- Catch, Thelma.

- George, I'm going to be married.

- High time.

- It's the bold Biedermeier,

it's so buoyant.

There you are, Thelma.

- Good-bye.

- Have a wonderful trip.

- Bless you.

[springs springing]

- [George] Sorry, Topper.

We ran out of rice.

- Where did that come from?

- Well, it must have been a

horse out in the street, dear.

Lost a shoe.

[audience laughing]

Come on.

- Happy second honeymoon.

[train whistle blowing]

[wind howling]

[papers rustling]

[thunder rumbling]

[door slamming]

[knocking]

[thunder clapping]

- That's the same clerk

that was here in .

- So it is.

He's certainly in a rut.

- I wonder if he'll recognize us.

[knocking]

- Mr. and Mrs. Cosmo Topper.

- Remember us?

- Sure, the bridal suite.

You checking out?

- He does remember us.

- Well, where does he think

we've been for years?

In our rooms?

We have a reservation, the bridal suite.

- The bridal suite's taken

by a couple named Topper.

Good night.

- Hey, you there.

We were told by the lady who owns the inn,

Miss Loomis isn't it?

- That's her name.

- Why don't you come up and talk to me?

- I said that was her name.

I oughta know, I'm her uncle.

- I want to see Miss Loomis.

- What for?

She ain't much to look at.

- Cosmo, are you sure

we made a reservation?

- Well, of course I'm sure.

I reserved the bridal suite.

My name is Topper.

Mr. Cosmo Topper.

- Just a coincidence.

- Maybe we should go home.

- Why I wouldn't consider it.

We're gonna have a good

time, if it kills us.

Hey, you there.

- Mr. Topper?

- Oh yes?

- I'm Carrie Loomis.

- There seems to be some

confusion about our room.

- You have the bridal suite.

- But he said.

- Pay no attention to him.

Uncle Luke.

- You don't have to holler.

I ain't deaf.

Take Mr. and Mrs.

Topper's bags to room .

- Can't.

- Why not?

- I lost the key.

- It's right there in the box.

- You don't trust nobody.

[audience laughing]

[lively music]

[thunder banging]

[wind howling]

[audience laughing]

You can't bribe me.

- Well, I hope you'll be comfortable.

And if something should

happen during the night,

just call me.

- Cosmo, what did she mean by that?

- Not a thing, dear.

Just the usual precautions

in a first class hotel.

[thunder banging]

- It doesn't look the same, Cosmo.

- Nonsense, dear.

It's exactly the same, and so are we.

- Are we, dear?

- Absolutely.

Two young people, bright-eyed, in love,

facing life and fearing nothing.

[blind clipping]

[audience laughing]

Don't be alarmed, dear.

I'm here.

[audience applauding]

- Cosmo?

- Yes, dear?

- Can you sleep?

- No, dear.

- It's all my fault, Cosmo.

I should never have suggested coming here.

- No, no, it was me.

I made the reservation.

It's on my head.

- Anyhow, let's go home.

- I would have suggested that hours ago.

I thought you might be hurt.

- I felt the same way about hurting you.

- I'll call the office.

See if I can find out about the trains.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh confound that Luke.

He's probably asleep under his desk.

- Maybe you can find Miss Loomis.

- Oh, I can try.

- I'll get dressed and start packing.

[thunder banging]

Oh Cosmo, where are you?

- I'm here, dear.

George, Marion, are you here?

- Who are you talking to?

- I was just humming, dear,

whistling in the dark.

- This is no time to hum, Cosmo.

This place is haunted.

- I don't think so, dear.

No, self-respecting

ghost would haunt here.

You get back into bed.

I find out about the trains

and see what's wrong with the lights

and try and find Miss Loomis.

- Hurry back, dear.

[dramatic music]

[thunder banging]

- George?

Marion, if you're here, so help me out.

[thudding]

That's strange.

Nobody there.

- Where are you going?

- No where.

The lights aren't working.

The phone isn't working.

- Nothing's working, except

me and I think I'll quit.

[audience laughing]

- I'm sorry about the lights.

It's this storm.

I brought you candles.

- Miss Loomis, I'm afraid

we'll have to get back.

- Oh, please don't leave.

In the morning, everything

will be all right.

- Yes, I'm sure it will, but you see

my wife has just remembered

something she forgot.

- Even if you wanted to leave,

there's no train until morning.

No way to get at the station.

- What, but surely there must be.

- Good night, Mr. Topper.

Oh, they're on now.

You won't need these now.

[thunder banging]

[thunder banging]

- George, Marion.

It must be you.

[man laughing]

I don't see anything to laugh at.

[soft music]

- There, there, I heard it again.

- You're not getting psychic, are you?

- Of course not.

I know Topper needs us.

George, let's go.

- We gave him our word.

- I know, but suppose he's in trouble.

Oh George, I'm frightened.

[Neil barking]

- Knock it off you big ham.

[knocking]

- Who is it?

What do you want?

- Don't want nothing.

- Why did you come in here?

- Because it's four

o'clock, time to get up.

- Up?

- That's what I said.

Time to go fishing.

- Who wants to go fishing?

- You did, you asked me to wake you.

- We did nothing of the sort.

- You didn't?

Why I could have sworn

you wanted to go fishing.

- Well, we don't.

Cosmo.

- Now look here my good man.

- Not so loud.

You'll wake the people next door.

- But there aren't any people next door.

- Cosmo, how do you know?

- 'Cause I passed the

room and saw it was empty.

Now, for the last time.

- Oh, say that's a good one on me.

Here I was telling you not

to wake the people next door

and they're the ones

that wanna go fishing.

- I tell you there aren't any people.

- But they're great fisherman.

Catch fish every year.

Sometimes two or three.

- Cosmo, this awful place.

- I'll lock the door.

- [Uncle Luke] Charlie, Toby,

Phyllis, Annie, Purvis, Bob.

All right, time to go fishing

and wake the children.

- I thought you said there

was nobody next door.

- Well, they must've got

washed up in the storm.

I'll go out and see what's out there.

- Cosmo, don't leave me.

- Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

At least not for another years

[thunder banging]

Marion, George, it must be you.

If it isn't you, I wish it were.

- What is it darling?

- Having trouble, old man?

- Of all the double-dealing,

two-faced ghouls.

So it was you all the time.

- It wasn't me all the time.

- You deliberately came up

here after you promised.

- We only came because you called us.

- You mean you've only just arrived?

- Well, what does it look like?

- Ungrateful cuss.

Me risking pneumonia

to be here by your side

to help you come what may.

[man cackling]

- What was that?

- I thought it was you.

- Really, old man, have

we ever sounded like that?

- Then this place must be haunted.

- Oh no.

- That's a fine thing to do,

bring us to a haunted house.

- No, wait, George, I need you.

You can help me.

If there are ghosts about the place.

- They're obviously low class

and we'll have nothing to do with them.

- [Marion] George, take me home.

I'm scared.

- Coming, dear.

[knocking]

What was that?

- That's Henrietta.

She's scared too.

You don't see her deserting me.

- But we don't like ghosts.

- Except each other.

And Neil, of course.

- Besides what could we do?

- Well, you can stay here and look around

while I go and comfort Henrietta.

- Well, we've looked around.

You supposed we can go home now?

- We haven't looked in the closet yet.

- I was hoping you wouldn't notice that.

- Gotta look in the closet.

Only a coward would leave now.

Neil, look in the closet.

[audience laughing]

You wouldn't wanna draw straws, would you?

I didn't think you would.

Well.

Here goes.

[soft music]

[audience laughing]

Let me out of here.

- What is it now.

- There's a body in the closet.

- He's hanging there.

- Nonsense, it's probably an old coat.

- Yes, with a body in it.

- I don't believe it.

- Don't go, Topper, you won't like it.

[dramatic music]

[man cackling]

[man cackling]

[man cackling]

[man cackling]

Topper, where are you?

It's Topper, darling.

Oh, they k*lled him.

- Wait a minute, Topper

didn't have on a coat.

He had on a robe.

- They dressed him, then they k*lled him.

[woman screaming]

They're in there.

- Who's in where?

- The murderers.

[distorted cackling]

They're coming out.

Topper.

Is that you?

- I don't believe so.

- I don't get it.

- Nor do I.

But I think we will directly.

Come here.

- What for?

- There's a ventilator outlet here.

I want to know what and

who's at the other end.

Do you think you could do

dematerialize and slither down it?

- Well, I could.

The point is, would I?

[man cackling]

At least I can find out

what he's laughing about.

[man cackling]

Well, position A.

[distorted cackling]

Position B.

Well, here goes.

[audience laughing]

[man cackling]

- I believe George has landed.

- Did you see that Satan?

It must have plumb wore out.

Well, I've been playing

that laughing record for years anyway.

Let's see what else we got here.

- So that's what's been going on, huh?

An unsound sound man.

Well, we'll give him a

little of his own medicine.

It's hard to believe

your own eyes, isn't it?

[train whistle blowing]

- That coward, he's leaving town.

[train whistle blowing]

[train whistle blowing]

[lively music]

[thunder banging]

I could of swore I put

on that barnyard record.

The darn fools got the labels mixed.

[audience laughing]

- [George] Just a little

switcheroo, that's all.

- Did you see that, Satan?

I throw that record away and

it come back like a boomerang.

I guess it must be my Australian blood.

[audience laughing]

I had an aunt that was

a kangaroo, I think.

[Satan meowing]

[Uncle Luke laughing]

- [George] Nothing like a good

brisk walk in tight shoes.

[fog horn blaring]

[thunder clapping]

- Apparently, he's not leaving by train.

[fog horn blaring]

[fog horn blaring]

[fog horn blaring]

[fog horn blaring]

Chateaubriand .

[steam engine puffing]

It's a shame to waste this stuff.

This is the best shampoo

you ever had, you old toss.

- Who is, who done that?

Where are you?

[fog horn blaring]

[corks popping]

Let me out of here.

The place is haunted.

- Oh no!

Oh no!

What is it?

What's happening?

- Isn't a thing, Mrs. Topper.

Got back to bed.

You mustn't worry.

[Neil growling]

- Don't be frightened, dear.

We solved the mystery.

Come along.

[dramatic music]

Luke.

- Help, help, go away, leave me alone.

Help, help, leave me alone.

Go away.

Jerry, Gary has taken over me.

- What's the matter with you.

There's nothing there.

- I didn't mean no harm.

I'm just trying to scare the guests.

- [Mrs. Topper] But why

should he want to do that?

- Because he can't stand people.

[lively music]

- [Marion] Think we'll

catch anything, George?

- [George] We never have yet.

- I hate to see you go.

After all, you got rid of the ghosts.

Well, some of them.

[audience applauding]

[lively music]

- [announcer] A John W. Loveton,

Bernard L, Schubert production.

Produced by John W. Loveton.

Starring Anne Jeffreys, Robert

Sterling and Leo G. Carroll.

[lively music]