01x27 - Henrietta Sells the House

[bunniefuu]

[waves crashing]

[announcer] Topper.

[audience applauds]

[bright music]

Starring as Marion Kerby,

the loveliest ghost in

town, Anne Jeffreys.

As George Kerby,

the liveliest ghost in

town, Robert Sterling

and Leo G. Carroll as Topper.

[Neil barks]

Oh yes, and the

deadliest ghost, Neil.

And there are only three

people in the world

who can see or hear them,

you and I and Cosmo Topper.

[slow music]

- [Henrietta] Cosmo?

- Yes dear?

Oh, yes dear.

- Why did you put up the

badminton net in the patio?

- Badminton net?

- Why did you put it up?

- You didn't tell me to.

- I most certainly didn't.

- Then I couldn't have done it.

- Well someone has strung

a net in our patio, Cosmo.

- Probably the men

from the fish market.

- Fish market?

- I understand there's

been a big tuna run.

- Take it down before

you go to the bank, Cosmo

and give it away or something.

It belongs to the garbage.

- Yes dear.

- Marion, George.

- [rackets batting]

- George, Marion.

- George, Marion.

- Hi.

- Hi Topper.

- Look here, you two

ghosts should have planned

your exercise elsewhere.

- Why?

- Well, Henrietta has

ordered me to remove the net.

- Oh, forget Henrietta.

Grab a racket and

I'll play you a game.

- Well, me, oh no.

- Well, why not?

- Suppose someone should see us.

- Oh Topper.

You know no one can see us but you.

Why no one can even hear us.

Come on.

- No, I really, I've

never played in my life.

- That's just the trouble with you.

- Oh no, please Marion,

Henrietta wants me

to take in the net.

- You might play with Henrietta.

- Well, hardly.

- Well, you still have us.

Give me a racket Marion.

- Well, it's really

kind of you, really.

- Now all you have

to do is just hit it.

- Really, is that all?

- Yeah.

- Like this?

- [Katie] Mr. Topper?

[playful music]

- Just swinging a bit.

- Swinging?

- All you do is just hit it.

- Yes sir.

Mrs. Topper wanted me to tell you

that it's time to go to the bank.

- Oh the bank, yes.

Yeah, I'll go to the bank.

- [Marion] Hit it back

with your hand George.

- Oh, simple game, really.

- Yes sir.

[rackets batting]

How do you do that all alone?

- Oh, you have to do it alone

when you're playing singles.

- Yes, sir.

[audience applauds]

- Cosmo.

I had something to tell you, Cosmo.

What was it?

- I have no idea.

- Oh of course you do dear,

you're always anticipating me.

Now what did I want?

- Find something for you?

- I think that's close but not it.

- Pick up a package?

Meet you for lunch?

- Oh, bring in the badminton net.

- That's it.

- Well, I didn't get

round to it dear.

- No, I wanted to tell

you not to bother dear,

it won't be necessary.

We're selling the house.

- What? Why?

- I've been thinking about it.

The place is much too big

for just the two of us.

- But there aren't

just the two of us.

- What do you mean?

- Well I mean there is Katie.

- Well, I'm sure we can

find a smaller place

and still have plenty

of room for Katie.

Besides, you were so clever

in getting a bargain on this house,

we'll be able to sell it for profit.

Have a nice day at the bank, dear.

- But I don't want to sell

this house, I like it here.

- Cosmo, if everyone

took that attitude,

your bank just couldn't have

much business, would it?

Besides, I've already talked

to a real estate agent.

Have a nice day.

[walking stick clanging]

[intriguing music]

- George, Marion.

George.

- Fix you something old boy?

- Oh George, no thanks.

Where's Marion?

- Right here darling, join me?

- Marion, George, Neil.

- [Marion] Oh he's going

to make a speech George,

isn't that cute?

- [Cosmo] I wish to

better what I have to say

by remarking that-

- A little more in.

- Hmm, oh Marion, please.

By remarking that all the

time we've had together,

I mean, sharing this house together,

well I've become very

fond of you both.

[Neil barking]

All three of you.

[Neil barking]

- Oh thank you.

We like you too.

- Therefore, I find

it rather difficult

to have to explain to you that...

Well, what I'm trying to say is that

Henrietta is selling the house.

[Marion gasping]

[Neil whimpering]

Well, can't you say something?

- You hate us.

- No, no, you're both,

well, you're different.

- That's right, throw it up to us.

Can we help it if

we got knocked off

in the flower of our youth?

We were assigned to you,

we can't haunt anyone else.

- No, no, that isn't what I mean.

I mean, well, Henrietta

doesn't know about you.

- He's taking her side.

He does hate us.

- Loathing is written

all over his face.

- Will you stop saying

that now, I don't hate you.

But if you can suggest

something that I should do,

I'll do it, anything at all.

- Tell Henrietta she can't sell.

- Well, suggest something else.

- All right, all right.

Now that we know your attitude.

- Hold on, wait a minute,

can't we discuss this sensibly?

- [Marion] Sell our house, will you?

- It's not your house,

it's my house and I-

- [George] You want w*r?

Okay, it's w*r.

- George, Marion, stop that.

George, oh Marion, please.

Oh please let's be sensible.

George, George please.

Oh George, do please listen.

Neil.

- Mr. Topper?

- We're selling the house Katie.

- Yes sir.

- I'm just throwing a few

of our things together.

[playful music]

All right, show yourselves.

- Hello Topper, darling.

- What do you want?

- Is that any way to greet us?

- Frankly no, I'm being too nice.

- Oh, we've come to

tell you it's all right

to sell the house.

- Oh you have, have you?

- Sure, you lend us some

money and we'll buy it.

Clever?

- You're insane.

- What's the matter?

- Lend you the money?

- Of course.

- Preposterous.

- Why?

- Well you have no income.

- Well, that's true, but

we have no expenses either.

- He's got you there Topper darling.

Now you fill out the

loan application.

- Marion, George, this banks simply

cannot lend money to, well, ghosts.

- Oh, discrimination ey.

- Oh, don't be stuffy Toppy.

If you don't lend us the money.

- Well...

- Oh we can always take it.

- Marion.

[tense music]

- Very determined woman, Marion.

- She is just bluffing,

I'm not worried at all.

- No?

- Should I be?

- Well, women take to crime

more easily than men, you know,

closer to the jungle.

- Nonsense.

- Especially when the home is

threatened, nesting instinct.

- Banking is a really

serious business.

You can't just throw

money around like a...

- [Marion] Here's the first payment.

- Marion, put that back at once.

- They didn't even miss it,

there's stacks of it around.

- Really? How long has

this been going on?

- Now wait, George

you stay right there.

Marion, put that back

where you found it at once.

- Only if you tell Henrietta

not to sell the house.

- I will not submit to blackmail.

- Come on, there is a

bulk George, it's fun.

- George, Marion, George.

- Marrying George, what

are you talking about?

- The new hiring, sir,

she's marrying George,

I don't think of her.

- There is nothing wrong, is there?

- No, nothing at

all, nothing at all.

- I just thought you

looked a little nervous.

- [Marion] Here's the first

loan Topper and it ain't hay.

- No.

- No, no what?

- I said no, I'm not

nervous, not nervous at all.

- [George] Catch Topper,

amazing how far a dollar-

- Oh by the way Topper...

What was that?

- Hmm, nothing, nothing.

- [George] Nothing,

he says, $ , .

- Oh, by the way, I was

just going to say that,

Mrs. Schuyler and I'd like

to have you and Mrs. Topper

come for dinner some...

- Yes.

- [pile of money banging]

- And-

- [drawer closing]

Topper, didn't I see you just...

I must get glasses.

- [Marion] You'll not let

Henrietta sell the house, Topper?

[audience laughs]

- Well about the dinner,

next week someday?

- The house, Topper?

- Anything you say,

only get out of here.

- Yes, well we'll expect you.

That's a fine way to

accept an invitation.

[playful music]

- You're a hard man

to shake, Topper.

- You promised Topper,

now put your foot down.

- The house is not for sale.

- Not for sale.

- Be forceful.

- Forceful.

- And you're doing it

merely because you love us.

- Say it.

- I'm doing it because I love you.

- Why, you shouldn't say.

- Cosmo, how nice to see you.

Cosmo, dear, this is Colonel Newby,

he came to see about the house.

- Tell her.

- Not yet.

- But he's already seen it.

- Mr. Topper, I presume?

- Tell her.

- Henrietta, I've just

reached a conclusion.

- Yes, Cosmo?

- This house is not for sale.

- Of course it isn't.

- What?

- Colonel Newby just bought it.

- Oh no.

- You stay right here rent

free, till you find a place.

Then I'll take possession.

- [Henrietta] Wasn't

that clever of me, Cosmo?

- [Newby] Mighty fine little woman

you have here Topper, good head.

- Good head?

I've seen better heads

than a mug of beer.

[cane tapping]

- Good material.

- Goodbye colonel.

- Do something Topper.

- This is wonderful Cosmo

and he gave me a very large

cheque as down payment.

- She has it in her

hands, Topper, tear it up.

- I couldn't do that.

- Do what dear?

- Tear it up, put your foot down.

[paper tearing]

- But Cosmo, what on

earth are you doing?

- I've just put my

foot down, that's all.

I'm the man in this

house, am I not?

- Of course you are dear

but why are you tearing

up my cross strings.

[slow music]

- Stop it.

- What? I haven't even started.

- I mean, sorry dear, I'm hungry.

- [George] Not only

did he sell our house,

he neglected us a morsel of food.

Here Neil.

- No juggling your food Cosmo.

- No dear.

- I think I'll start

house-hunting tomorrow, Cosmo.

[doorbell ringing]

- Would you answer that Katie?

- Yes ma'am.

- There's nothing the

matter with this house.

- We sold it, don't you remember?

- Yes I remember

and I don't think we

should have before we-

- We should stop

harping on it Cosmo.

After all, I got a good price,

we don't have to pay any rent

and we have all the time we want.

- Hope this isn't an intrusion,

thought I could stay at a hotel.

There's a convention in

town, couldn't get quarters.

- Why we don't mind

at all, do we Cosmo?

After all, this is your house.

Take Colonel Newby's bag dear.

And Katie, set another

plate at the table.

- Yes ma'am.

- [George] I'm warning you Topper,

we're not going to stand for this.

- Your husband has very

poor posture, ma'am.

- What can I do about it?

- Tuck it in, man, suck it in.

[doorbell ringing]

- Would you get the door Katie?

- Yes ma'am.

- Right down there

Topper, plenty of room.

Well, such a good place here.

- [Mrs. Newby] I hope you

folks don't mind terribly.

Did the colonel explain

about the hotels and all?

Dinner's marvelous,

I'm simply famished.

- Mrs. Topper, Mrs. Newby.

- How do you do?

Would you set another plate?

- Yes ma'am.

[doorbell ringing]

- I'll get it.

[parrot chattering]

- Orville, Arabelle,

this is Mrs. Topper.

Oh and Mr. Topper.

They may be staying

with us for a few days.

- How do you do?

Katie?

- Yes ma'am, I know,

two more plates.

- We've been invaded.

- Look at them.

- Arabelle, are we

forgetting our manners?

As a retired m*llitary

family Mrs. Topper,

we have certain little formalities.

[trumpet blowing]

[parrot chattering]

- Our happy home.

[trumpet blowing]

- What was that?

- . early.

[trumpet blowing]

- Can you hear that?

We're being att*cked.

- Roll call, up and at 'em.

- [table tapping]

- I know Katie, but Mrs.

Topper and I wish

you could look upon this as

a purely temporary situation.

Things will straightened

out shortly.

- [Katie] That's maybe true,

sir, but I didn't sign up

to cook for the army.

- Well no, no, please be patient,

just for a day or two, will you?

- I don't know.

- Oh no, please.

- Well, all right.

- Good, good.

[trumpet blowing]

[parrot chattering]

- I quit.

[playful music]

- George, Marion, where are you?

Oh, there you are.

- I'm so tired,

I hardly have the

strength to materialize.

- I know.

Another round, are they?

- Out on maneuvering.

[parrot chattering]

- I feel as if I was

being spied upon.

No Neil, not now.

- A fine mess you've

made us in Topper.

- Look here Marion,

the whole idea of selling

this house was Henrietta's.

Who thought of it?

She did.

- And who let her

go through with it?

- I did it.

- Look, what happened when

we had a cook we didn't like?

A few manifestations.

Two pieces of furniture

floating around by themselves,

out she went.

Mind you George, do

you know that's right?

- Very simple problem really.

All we have to do is

convince the Newbys

that the house is, well, haunted.

- As a matter of fact it is.

- Good thinking.

- After dinner tonight, I appear.

Stir things up a bit.

Terrify the new owners and

they demand their money back.

- Capital.

- Maybe.

- Well, it's gotta work.

[parrot chattering]

[Neil barking]

- Not now Neil, but true.

- Come sit down, dear.

- Don't slouch man.

[eerie music]

- Your arthritis again Cosmo?

- Oh yes, yes dear.

- Take a good hot tub tonight.

- I told you to use hot water.

- Orville, will you stop that?

- Orville?

- What's the matter?

- You know very well

what's the matter, stop it.

- Well he does magic tricks.

Orville, show Mr. Topper.

- Magic tricks?

- You've got a hat?

- A hat?

- A hat, Cosmo.

- Oh yes, sure, yes.

- That's very clever, isn't it?

- He hasn't done anything yet, dear.

- Oh.

- I shall now proceed

to pour water in the hat

without getting the

hat wet, I hope.

- Be careful now.

- When I place an ordinary

drinking glass in a hat

and pour some water in the glass.

- [Cosmo] Hey, look out.

- I now remove the

glass from the hat

and keep right on pouring.

- [Cosmo] Hey, watch out.

- I now put the glass

back in the hat,

make sure I have all the water,

remove the glass, presto.

[Mrs. Topper applauding]

- [trumpet blowing]

- [parrot chattering]

- I wonder how he did that.

Let's see, he took an

ordinary water glass-

- Uh-huh.

- And he put it

inside the hat, right?

Then he poured in some water.

Then he took out the

glass and he kept pouring.

[water pouring]

Presto.

[playful music]

Guess I must have

done something wrong.

- Where are you going Topper?

- Hello Marion, George.

- Why the suitcase?

- Henrietta and I are

moving into a hotel

till we can find another house.

- Oh.

- We just couldn't put up with it.

You understand.

- Oh, we understand.

- Until we find another place,

you couldn't come along after us?

- Against the rules.

- Yeah.

- I was afraid of that.

- Well you're stuck

with the Newbys.

May I say that I'm

very fond of you both.

- Oh George, this is ridiculous.

We've got to do something.

- Like what?

- Oh, I don't know.

- I'll think of something this time.

Come on, let's find Neil.

[parrot chattering]

- Ready to go Cosmo.

- Don't worry, I'll push you out.

You're welcome to stay as

long as you want, you know.

Chest out, chin in, man.

- I think we'll be

happier in a hotel.

- Come Cosmo.

- What was that?

- I have no idea.

- It's termites Cosmo.

- Termites.

- Termites?

Do you mean to say that that

horrible noise is termites?

- Termites, yes.

- Yes.

You won't notice them after a while.

- I haven't noticed

them before at all.

- There, see, what'd I tell you?

- Well it's incredible

that termites

could make

that kind of a racket.

- Oh, we raised them

from little nippers.

It's all in the feeding, you know.

- Now you're with us, Topper.

Go for it, George.

- Incredible, utterly incredible.

- Cosmo, you never

told me about this.

- Well, it'd hardly

pay to advertise dear.

- I don't believe it.

[thudding]

- But it's quite a vibration

when they really get working.

[thudding]

[parrot chattering]

- Why then, this whole

house is nothing but a-

- Hollow shed.

- Aren't we lucky to

have sold it Cosmo?

- Oh no you don't, I'm

stopping payment on my cheque

and taking my family out of here.

[parrot chattering]

- Strange Cosmo.

A grown man being

afraid of termites.

Well, that's fixing material.

- [Marion] There are

your termites Topper.

- [Cosmo] It's very ingenious.

- [George] Of course we had

to dip the bones in bourbon,

I hope you don't mind.

- Have I told you

that I am very fond

of you, all three.

[slow music]

[audience applauds]

[bright music]

- [announcer] Produced by

John W. Loveton.

A John W. Loveton, Bernard

L. Schubert production,

starring Anne Jeffreys, Robert

Sterling and Leo G. Carroll.

[bright music]