[waves crashing]
[old classic music]
- [announcer] Anne Jeffreys as Marion Kerby,
The ghostess with the mostest.
Robert Sterling as George Kerby,
That most sportive spirit.
And Leo G. Carroll,
host to said ghosts as,
Topper.
[classical music]
That's Cosmo Topper,
good banker, good husband
good soul. Good afternoon Topper.
They're around somewhere. He's
looking for the Kerby folks.
George and Mary. They're
a young couple who
got k*lled in an avalanche
on their fifth anniversary,
and came back to make
life a little more joyous
for sedate Topper.
They're ghosts, you
know? Even the dog, Neil.
All three of them have learned the
wonderful knack of dematerializing
when they want to. But when they're solid,
like now, only Topper
can see or hear them.
And you and I, of course. Let's listen.
- Mary, what's the matter with you?
- We all have colds.
[Neil sneezes]
George, give Neil his
cough medicine. [sniffles]
[audience laughs]
[dramatic music]
- Hmm. and seven eighths. Is that bad?
- Pretty low for a high liver.
- There's nothing wrong with his liver.
I tell you we all have colds.
- Oh, preposterous. How
can ghosts have colds?
- We haven't been dead long enough
to learn how to keep healthy.
[sneezes]
- Gesundheit. You're not
going to get worse, Mary?
- No, I'll-I'll only get ugly.
It's a good thing no one can us or here us
but you Topper. [sniffles]
- [Katie] Morning Mr. Topper.
You have a cold Mr. Topper?
- What? No, no, no, no Katie,
no. I never have colds.
Healthy as an ox. [chuckles]
[sneezes]
- Gesundheit.
- Thank you Katie. Must
have my own allergy.
Sensitive to oxtail soup. [chuckles]
Having it for lunch. [chuckles]
- Then why are you sneezing now?
- Um. Oh, just to get
it over with. [chuckles]
Did you want me?
- Mrs. Topper said to tell
you she'll be home late.
- [Mary] Topper darling, [sniffles]
hand me the box of tissues.
- I thought you said
you didn't have a cold.
- [Mary] I'm gonna need it again.
- Mr. Topper! Mr. Topper
look what it's doing!
[audience laughs]
- Oh, yes. The latest thing.
Blows your nose for you.
- [Mary] Give it back! [sneezes]
[audience laughs]
- What do I think of next?
- [Mary] Topper, I'm sick.
- Oh, go soak your feet in hot water.
- What do you think of next?
[audience laughs] [applause]
[suspenseful music]
- [George] Now just lie down here, dear.
[audience laughs]
There, there, there,
there, there, there, there.
- [Mr. Topper] I told
you to keep her in bed.
- I wanna be among my friends.
- The doctor said she
could come downstairs.
- Doctor? What doctor?
- Oh, you wouldn't know
him. He's one of the best
authorities on colds that ever lived.
He d*ed years ago.
- From a cold.
[audience laughs]
- Topper! Make Neil go away!
- Well he's your dog.
- Yeah, but he's making
a drab with his tail.
- [Mrs. Topper] Cosmo! Cosmo!
Guess who came to town?
- Yankee Doodle.
- Don't be silly Cosmo. Cousin Willy.
- Who?
- Cousin Willy. Willy
Johnson from Minnesota.
He's here for a convention.
- No family was ever conventional.
- No, Cosmo. It's a sportsman show.
He's an outdoors man, a professional.
And he's going to stay
with us for a week or so.
- Tell her I'm not well
enough for company.
- Run upstairs then.
- Why should I run upstairs?
- Uh, to get into condition
uh for your cousin.
[door rings]
- That must be Cousin Willy now.
- [Mary] How does she know?
- Oh, he has his own theme song.
[door opens]
- Cousin Willy! [Door closes]
- Well, well, well. So
you're Cosmo, are you?
[audience laughs]
- I-I think so. How did you know?
- Huh, it's rather stuffy in here.
- Well it wasn't until you came in.
- Cosmo, open the window.
- Toppie, my cold!
- Huh, nice shack you have here.
Although I don't know how
people can live anywhere
but Minnesota.
Give me the Northwest. Yes
sir, Give me the Northwest.
- George, give him the Northwest
and kick him out of here.
- Air, man! Let in the air!
[wind howls]
Good for your health.
- George! Close that window!
- Heh. Now we can breathe.
[dramatic music]
[audience laughs]
- How did that happen?
- a*t*matic air conditioning.
Our doors and windows all
stay at room temperature.
- I'd just live in a wardrobe trunk.
Outdoors man! That's the thing.
Do you ever spend a day in the
woods communing with nature?
- Uh, not lately.
- Have you ever tracked
a skunk through the snow?
[audience laughs]
- Not likely
- I'm probably the only woodsman
who knows whether a
gopher is going backwards
or forward in a plowed field,
recognize the score of
every North American animal.
I know the mating call of every predator.
I can imitate any bird in the world.
- Really? You can imitate birds?
- Any bird in the world.
- Uh, how about a humming pigeon?
[audience laughs]
- Humming pigeon.
[comedic bird impression]
That's the humming pigeon.
Now this is the brown headed
nuthatch [indistinct].
[Bird tweeting]
[audience laughs]
[flatulent noises]
- For Heaven's sake Mr. Topper!
Make him stop!
They're coming in the
back door by the millions!
- Who's coming in the back door?
[dogs barking]
[yelling]
[audience laughs]
[dramatic music]
- Boo!
- Don't do that.
- What are you so jumpy about?
- Yeah. Why are you sneaking
into your own house?
- I, uh, I don't want Willy to hear me.
I'm getting sick and tired
of his outdoor stuff.
Had me sleeping on the patio all night.
In a poncho, whatever that is.
[Neil barks]
What does he want? Is he
a fresh air fiend too?
- Looks like he's lost something.
- Oh for pity's sake.
Here, get up, get up.
- [George] Wait a minute.
- What's under there?
- All right, I found it.
- Oh for goodness sake.
I might have known.
[Neil whines]
- Oh call your dog off, will you?
- [Mrs. Topper] Cosmo, where are you?
- [Mr. Topper] Oh here I am dear.
- Cosmo?
What are you doing?
- I'm just on my way to the bar.
Mix some martinis.
- But what were you doing on the floor?
- Oh uh, shortcut dear.
Would you like a martini,
Willy? Wonderful drink.
- Wouldn't touch it. It'll
eat your stomach out.
- [George] Oh, this man has got to go.
[Neil Barks]
[audience laughs]
- What was that?
- I-I just threw it away. That's all.
- But Cosmo, it floated.
- Uh, yes. Very light gin dear.
Oh, Willy, what's new?
- Well, uh, tell him about
the sportsman show, Willy.
I'll got the coat for you.
- Well I delivered a
lecture on weight lifting.
And I demonstrated a two
handed clean and jerk
with a six hundred pound barbell.
- He's a two headed
jerk if I ever saw one.
- And not very clean.
How about you let him stay in for?
- Believe me, it's no picnic.
- No, no it isn't.
- Yes it is.
- It is.
- No, I said it isn't.
- It is a picnic. Better still camping.
Ask Willy to go on a camping trip.
- [Mr. Topper] You must
think I'm out of my mind.
- No. No. But you do say
some awful strange things.
- Now Topper don't say
anything, just listen.
Ask Willy to go on a
camping trip this weekend.
He's a big strong outdoors man.
He'll leap at the idea. Once
we get him in those woods,
will make it so rough for him,
he'll head to Minnesota by jet.
- Wonderful. Wonderful.
- What's wonderful?
- Uh, the buyong. Very healthy.
Speaking of health, Willy,
how'd you like to go on
a camping trip this week?
- Camping? You?
- Cosmo, are you serious?
- Uh, certainly. I've kept
myself planted on a smooth
office chair far too long.
I'd love to rough it a bit.
- Well, I'll have to get a g*n.
Is there a sporting goods store around?
- Steven's Sporting Goods Store.
Cosmo could take you there.
- Hey, c'mon George, let's go.
- No.
- Cosmo, really? You needn't be rude.
If you don't want to take
Willy, I'll take him.
- Well, I don't want to put anybody out.
- I do.
- Just tell me where it
is and I'll get there.
- Nevermind. I'll go with you.
- Don't be late for dinner.
- No dear. We'll sh**t it on the way home.
[suspenseful music]
- I wanna see a g*n. A
- with a good heft.
- Tennis anyone?
[audience laughs]
- This has a good heft.
- Have you any special make in mind?
- What...
- [George] Hold still, Topper.
[audience laughs]
- [Mary] He seldom misses!
- Hmm, this has a good heft too.
- What is that on your head?
- My head?
[audience laughs]
A new model, common veranda style.
Decorative and utilitarian.
[audience laughs]
- How does he do it?
- Mind over matter. C'mon,
let's work on the g*ns.
[intriguing music]
- Now about that g*n.
- Well, I want to sh**t some wild game.
Oh, the uh, the main
thing in handling a g*n
is to be sure that you're
hand is not near the trigger.
[g*nsh*t]
[audience laughs]
- [George] Excuse me
gentlemen, you sh**t me down.
- What's the idea of
having a g*n that's loaded?
- Uh, there must be some mistake sir.
Our g*ns are never loaded.
[g*nsh*t]
- Safari's a goody.
[audience laughs]
- Perhaps it will be less
dangerous some other place.
- Gentlemen I,
I assure you this can't happen again.
- Okay, I'll make sure.
Well, that's more like it.
[g*nsh*t]
[audience laughs]
- We'll take this one.
[g*nsh*t]
Charge it.
- Help!
- George! Mary! quick! Help me with Willy.
- Which one is Willy?
[panting]
- What happened?
- Outdoors man, outdoors.
Men's life is never safe inside.
- [Mary] You're allowing us to scare him
so he won't go camping.
- [George] I'll take this so you can't do
anymore damage Topper.
- That g*n. It went through
the air all by itself.
- Certainly. It's an air r*fle.
[audience laughs]
[cheerful music]
[car engine roaring]
- Oh, Willy! Do we have
to go much farther?
- My feet hurt.
- The problem with you people
is you're out of training.
You don't know how to
cope with the outdoors.
- Well I like it here.
- Well it looks a bit level to me.
- Well we're having a
picnic, not a ski jump.
- It's always better to build
a fire on a slight slope
in case of a storm.
- Well let it storm. I love it here.
- Okay. I sure wouldn't like to be stuck
in the north woods with you.
[audience laughs]
- Likewise.
[audience laughs]
- Mary! Look! Civilization!
- Nah, just a mirage.
- Let's find out.
- Cosmo, help Willy unload.
- Don't bother about me. I
can take care of everything.
[thuds]
- Howdy stranger!
- Howdy!
- Howdy what?
- Uh, how'd you do that?
- [Willy] Nevermind how I do it,
I won the w*r Woodman Contest,
tent pitching in . seconds flat.
- Looks like we better pitch in too.
- Would you like me to time you?
- sh**t
[dramatic music]
[audience laughs]
- seconds.
Flat!
- [Mary] Now you show him
how it's done, Topper.
- Do you mind if I have
a go at it, old man?
[dramatic music]
[audience laughs]
- Cosmo! Wherever did
you learn to do that?
- Huh? Oh. They don't call
me old man for nothing.
[grunts]
- Well, I'm gonna make some flapjacks.
Let's see how good you
are at getting firewood.
- Oh. I'm too tired to go for wood.
- [Mary] C'mon Topper. We'll help you.
- Uh, I'll help you up old man.
[slide whistle]
[audience laughs]
- [Willy] How did you do that?
- I uh, I had frog's legs for breakfast.
[audience laughs]
[birds chirping]
- Are you sure you wouldn't
like me to strike a match?
- I have a lighter.
- I'll get it.
[whooshing]
- [Mary] I'm getting out of breath.
- [George] You rest,
honey. I'll blow it now.
- You must have given me
some wood that was wet.
- [Mary] Pick them up, Topper.
- [George] Rub them together.
- Where's that match?
- Here you are.
- How Cosmo?
- Uh, nothing at all dear.
Quite easy. When you know how.
[audience laughs]
- You've never eaten flapjacks
until you tasted mine.
Here we go.
- Don't drop it.
- I've never dropped one yet.
- [George] There's always
a first time, old boy.
Get ready Neil.
[audience laughs]
- Did you push me?
- No hands.
- Where did that flapjack go to?
- Ants. They'll eat anything.
- [chewing noises]
- [audience laughs]
- Well why don't we eat something else?
I can fry an egg.
- [George] He'll never
think of an answer to that.
[audience laughs]
[birds chirping]
- How would you like to
go for a nice long walk?
- It's a nice long walk home.
- Isn't it getting a bit cloudy?
I do hope it's not going to rain.
- Not a chance.
- [Mr. Topper] What makes you so sure?
- The wind's in the wrong direction.
Would you like to see me make a trap?
- Why can't we go home?
- Yes Willy, it does feel like rain.
- Well I guess I ought to
know if it's gonna rain.
You ever do any sh**ting?
- Only at people.
- I'll bet you that I can hit a
target more times than you can.
- [Mary] Get him Topper.
- Hold on.
- Why Cosmo, you don't know how to sh**t.
- Well, I never told
you this before, dear,
but uh, before we were married I uh,
I was what they call a yegg.
- Are you sure you wanna bet?
- Positive.
- [Willy] Okay. You asked for it.
[adventure music]
- C'mon George.
[dramatic music]
- Nice heft.
- Be careful and tell.
- Alright. The target's about yards.
- Well, you can go first.
[g*nsh*t]
- How'd you like that?
- [George] We weren't ready.
- It's gonna miss darling.
- You missed darling, I mean Willy.
- What do you mean I missed?
[corks g*n]
Well how did it get back up there?
- Well you just winded.
It was able to climb back.
Now.
[g*nsh*t]
[scream]
- [Willy] Where did that come from?
- It ricocheted.
[audience laughs]
I played it that way.
- Yes, I know. But a fish?
- It's a flying fish.
[audience laughs]
- Look! A rabbit!
[corks g*n]
- Willy! You're not going to sh**t
that poor little rabbit. [g*nsh*t]
- Missed it.
[corks g*n]
- [Mrs. Topper] Willy no!
- [g*nsh*t]
[corks g*n]
[g*nsh*t]
[audience laughs]
- I don't believe it.
- Then stop sh**ting at it.
[g*nsh*t]
- Now he's sh**ting at me!
- Self defense.
[thunders]
- Oh! I told you it was going to rain!
- The wind must have changed.
- Why don't you go ahead
dear. I'll help Willy.
- I think I better start for the car.
- Topper darling, we're going to lose you.
- What?
- I didn't say anything.
- [George] Not for long though.
We just want to teach this goon a lesson.
- Okay, let's go.
[audience laughs]
- What was that?
- Just a slight gust of
wind before the storm.
- What? Didn't it hit you?
- Oh, yes, yes. But I'm used to it.
- Where did that bush come from?
- Well, they grow pretty fast
in this part of the country.
- Well, where's the path?
- Seems to have gone.
- Well know, don't lose your head.
I'll get you back safely.
- High wind today.
- But the wind's coming
from that direction.
- Oh, very variable winds
in this part of the country.
[audience laughs]
- I never saw anything
like this in Minnesota.
- Well don't worry. I'm sure
they'll send out a search party
in a day or so.
- Well now, you look that
way and I'll look this way
and whoever finds a path will yell
and we'll meet right back here.
- Yes, but, but Willy!
[dramatic music]
- This way Topper, run for
it before the rain starts.
- Yes, but Willy.
- Oh, we'll take care of Willy.
- I'm sure you will. Don't
keep him out too late.
[chuckles]
- [Willy] Oh Topper!
Topper! Have you found the path?
Oh Topper!
[audience laughs]
Now how did it get there?
Topper, I found it!
Well, I told you I'd get
you out of this mess.
Now you take the picnic baskets
and if you think you're strong enough,
well say something.
Now alright play Topper but you should
be very grateful to me.
If I hadn't found that path,
you may have spent the whole night here
and I understand there
are bears in these parts.
Oh boy, would I love to
see you face a bear...
[growling]
Oh no Topper, is that you?
[growling]
Oh no.
[audience laughs]
[playful music]
- May I come in?
[upbeat music]
[audience laughs]
- Who's your friend?
- No one you'd know.
- I knew it wouldn't last.
- Fine thing leaving my flat.
Well, that'll teach me
to dance with strangers.
- What about running Willy
reach the Northwest yet.
- Yeah probably.
Hey George, where did you
ever find that darling
trained bear?
- I didn't find him. In
fact I never saw him before.
- Oh. Oh.
[applause]
[upbeat music]
[audience laughs]
[applause]
[lively music]
- [announcer] A John W. Loveton
Bernard L. Schubert Production.
Produced by John W. Loveton.
Starring Anne Jeffreys, Robert Sterling,
and Leo G. Carroll.
[lively music]
01x34 - The Picnic
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Series follows a grumpy banker, Cosmo Topper, and the ghosts which only he could see or hear, George and Marion Kerby.
Series follows a grumpy banker, Cosmo Topper, and the ghosts which only he could see or hear, George and Marion Kerby.