01x07 - Spring Broken

[bunniefuu]

ABE LINCOLN: Previously,

on a very special Clone High.

While Joan was having

a Psylly Legs att*ck,

JFK kissed Harriet

behind her back.

Abe caught them in the act,

but he didn't say jack,

even though he and Joan

made a solid pact,

that Abe would never hide

information like that.

So when Joan learned the facts,

her heart turned black,

and Abe felt the impact.

But Joan and Abe

still have lots to unpack.

In other news,

I got a rhyming dictionary

and I love it.

STUDENTS: Spring Break!

Spring Break!

Spring Break! Spring Break!

Confucius here,

casting live from Spring Break.

-(AIR HORN BLOWS)

-We are going to the wettest

and wildest place of all time.

-Arroyo Fest!

-(ALL CHEER)

But due to flash flood warnings

in effect,

participants may never enter

the Arroyo.

-(ALARM BUZZING)

-ALL: Boo!

But nothing bad happens

on Spring Break.

-(AIR HORN BLOWS)

-(ALL CHEER)

CONFUCIOUS: You all right there,

Abe-opotamus?

Oh, I'm fine. Yeah, just,

you know, lost my BFF.

Now, everyone knows

that Spring Break

is all about their besties,

hanging out

with their best bestie.

CONFUCIUS: Uh, looks like

she found a new bestie, bro.

Shrimp, the ultimate bus food.

CONFUCIUS:

And we're still moving.

Hey, the most popular girl

in school, Frida!

You look excited.

Arroyo Fest

is about to be popping, G!

My favorite artist of all time

will be performing,

teenage pop sensation,

Mila Brûlée!

Whoa, wait,

you like Mila Brûlée?

But she's so mainstream.

I started listening

to her ironically, like,

"This is how I would act

if I liked this crappy music."

But now, I actually

do like her crappy music.

Get over here, girl.

Let's talk Brûlée!

-Mila Brûlée...

-CONFUCIUS: Well I became

a third wheel real quick.

-Harriet! You stoked for A-Fest?

-Heck, yes, I'm stoked.

Okay, backstory!

So there's this guy on Insta

who has been commenting

on all my posts.

And he's gonna be

at Arroyo Fest.

So if you're listening to this,

@definitelyahotguy,

just know. I will find you,

my love! DM me.

CONFUCIUS: Lucky guy.

-Arroyo Fest!

-(AIR HORN BLOWS)

(DOLPHIN CHATTERING)

-Hey, babe.

-Yeah, babe?

You know, since Abe and I

aren't talking anymore...

-(BLOWS NOSE, SOBS)

-...would you like to go with me

to the Kara Walker exhibit

next week?

Her work is just so deep.

Oh, I love deep things,

like swimming pools

and your vag*na.

Well, uh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)

But I'd really like to get

to know more about you,

like-- like the real JFK.

Like,

who's your favorite artist?

(MUMBLES) I like the one

that does the paintings

with the boobies.

Okay, you know, what?

It's a start.

(ABE LINCOLN SOBBING)

Oh, snap.

We're right by Arroyo Fest!

STUDENTS: Arroyo!

Arroyo! Arroyo!

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-STUDENTS: Arroyo! Arroyo!

Arroyo! Arroyo! Arroyo!

CONFUCIUS: We're really

doin' it, y'all!

(ALL SCREAM)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

CONCLUDES) ♪

TOPHER BUS: My bus shrimp!

♪ ("CLONE HIGH" THEME SONG

BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪

♪ Way, way back in the s ♪

♪ Secret government employees

Dug up famous guys and ladies ♪

♪ And made amusing

Genetic copies ♪

♪ Then the clones

As teens were frozen ♪

♪ Thawed out decades later

Why? ♪

♪ Back for reasons

They're not disclosin' ♪

♪ Giving high school

Another try ♪

♪ It's time to watch ♪

♪ Clone High ♪

♪ Energetic and engaging ♪

♪ Clone High ♪

♪ Our angst is entertaining ♪

♪ Clone High ♪

♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

-(STATIC)

-(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)

-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(FIRE CRACKLING)

-(MR. BUTLERTRON SCREAMS)

-No! My shrimp is sandy!

My phone! All the phones!

They've been m*rder*d!

Arroyo no go, go!

(SOBS, SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

Attention, clones,

it appears we are now stranded

in the desert

with only a limited supply

of water, first aid kits,

and Cool Ranch Doritos.

Mr. B and I will do

the responsible thing

of finding help.

So we'll be taking

all the supplies and leaving.

-(ALL GASP)

-PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH:

And reminder,

never go into Arroyo's

because you can get swept away

by flash floods, okay? Toodles!

Ugh, I'm gonna go work

on my tan.

(SCREAMS)

My head machine feels hot!

JFK, are you okay?

My brain is, er, uh, biggening.

Something is coming out

of my ear!

-(CONFUCIUS GASPS)

-Did JFK just pronounce an "R"?

He-- he did.

JFK, can you say "Kara Walker"?

Kara Walker. Kara Walker.

What the...

Out of the way, Confucius.

I'll perform CPR.

As a woke straight male ally,

let me put my lips

on this unconscious Black woman

to show how woke

and straight I am.

Ugh!

(INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES)

-(SCREAMS) Shrimp breath!

-(GROANS)

(GASPS) No, no, no! We crashed!

I'll never meet

@definitelyahotguy now!

The drama!

Oh, and my ankle's twisted.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Don't mind me,

-I'll just die here.

-(GROANS, GRUNTS)

Does anyone have a Band-Aid?

(SNIFFS, SCREAMS)

Guys, don't worry.

We'll get through this.

We just need to stick together.

No! We are not missing

Mila Brûlée.

I've got a crazy idea.

We've got legs, we can use them,

and go there, walking style.

Oh, can I come with?

The sight of Joan

is a constant reminder

of how she wants me

out of her sight.

-I feel for you, Aberino, but--

-(GASPS) Wait.

It would be much easier to see

the stage at Arroyo Fest

if we had some shoulders

to sit on.

Yo, stretch!

-You're in.

-Really? Hot dog!

You guys aren't leaving,

are you?

Because there are a lot

of desert cannibals out there

in these parts.

Uh, I appreciate

you looking out,

but it's only the desert.

(ALL GROWL)

Oh, there's no hope, Mr. B!

I'm tired, I'm hungry,

-and I'm lost!

-At least we can die together.

Shut up, Mr. B, you know

I'd rather die alone!

-(GASPS)

-(MR. BUTLERTRON GROANS)

Oh, my!

Is that the Eiffel Tower?

Because it must be a mirage

if it's right next to a building

that says "New York, New York"

with New York's

famous roller coaster.

BOTH: Vegas!

-♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-MR. B: Wesley!

♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(SIGHS, GASPS)

Oh, Joan, darling,

perhaps we could use stones

to write "Help" in Morse code.

That's a great idea. We--

Wait, you thought of that?

With that "man who reads

The New Yorker" accent?

Ah, I know what's occurring,

my dear muse.

I come from a long line

of block-headed men.

You see, my cranium is gigantic,

allowing extra room for my brain

to knock around in.

In the heat of the desert,

it expands like a popover,

which allows it to grow

to its full potential

in my massive skull.

It's science and it checks out.

Ooh,

that's some good articulation.

(MOANS)

How about this for articulation?

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-I want to support your goals

and connect with you emotionally

and intellectually,

while humming to your favorite

-hour-long Philip Glass track,

lo-fi haunted goat screams.

(BOTH IMITATE GOAT BLEAT)

Oh, I feel so supported. Hmm.

Emotionally.

But we're still

gonna have sex, right?

Hmm. Like jungle cats.

Now, let's write

this Morse code together.

My dream man!

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Dot, dot, dot.

Dash, dash, dash. Dot, dot, dot.

-(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

-JFK, it worked!

It worked!

Great Morse code! (CHUCKLES)

We're here to rescue you.

Is this your full party?

Not all of them.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

We're gonna swing back around

in two hours,

and if your whole party

isn't all here by then,

you're gonna have to find

an alternative rescue chopper,

okay? Good luck. But seriously,

great Morse code.

Wow. Hot genius, I think I know

how we can contact the others.

What do you know about GPS?

I know as much about GPS as I do

about the human condition,

-multitudes.

-♪ (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Let's get the f*ck home.

SCUDWORTH: Ah! Las Vegas,

where everything sparkles

-Except for this alley.

-♪ (RAVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)

Mr. B, there's sure to be

a telephone

on the other side of this door

that we can use to call

for help.

(CROWD CHEERING)

-♪ (RAVE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-Thank you, Las Vegas! I'm out.

-Those are animals. Good luck.

-(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

ATTENDEE : Play a song,

you idiot!

-ATTENDEE : We need music!

-ATTENDEE : Open your laptop

-and make a noise!

-Excuse me, uh, party people,

does anyone have a telephone

we could use?

(OVERLAPPING CLAMORS)

Mr. B, the crowd

is turning on us.

-We have to get out of here.

-Don't worry, I got this.

All this music follows

a simple formula... Wesley.

♪ (RAVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ I like the way

This party is currently going ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

Mr. B, we've done it.

It's a hit!

Should we go

save the clones now?

BOTH: Nah!

Even though everyone

lost their phones,

so long as we can rewire

the motherboard,

we can redirect the GPS signal

to contact the smartwatch...

-(MOANS)

-...that Frida always wears.

And that should give them

time to return

-before the helicopter.

-(PANTS)

-Speaking of flying.

-Mm-hmm.

Have you ever seen

the obscure Maya Darren film,

-Meshes of the Afternoon?

-Mm-hmm. Well, of course I have!

Kiss me now!

My love, your lips taste

like a fine chalice,

full of the sweetest,

uh, wet stuff.

Wait, what was that?

(GRUNTS) A fine chalice

of the sweetest nectar.

-Everything all right, darling?

-Yeah, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Of course, it was nothing.

Oh, no.

-(EAGLE SCREECHING)

-♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

It is so good not to be looking

at Joan or thinking of Joan,

or talking about Joan.

I know this is hard to hear.

But just stop being stubborn.

-And apologize.

-Me? Apologize? To Joan?

Uh, she should be apologizing

to me

for having to keep that secret.

Guys, it's so hot.

Let's just take cover

in that old, abandoned Miata.

Hey, if you all need

to take a break. Sure. Why not?

-(SOBS)

-Psst, Frida.

(ABE SOBS)

It just made me think

about her in a way

that I didn't think

about her before.

You know, I feel so hopeless.

For a long time, I... (WHIMPERS)

(SOBS)

(SNIFFLES) Hello? Cleo? Frida?

How long was I crying?

Frida?

-(GROWLS)

-(SCREAMS)

-(GRUNTS)

-(GRUNTS) Oh, there you are.

-Don't go that way!

-(ALL GROWL)

-(SCREAMS)

-(DESERT CANNIBALS GROWL)

(BOTH GROAN)

JOAN OF ARC: That's it.

We did it. We can send a signal!

(JFK GROANS, MOANS)

We have to contact Frida now.

Send it, JFK!

-JFK: Triangulating.

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(SMARTWATCH CHIMES)

-(ABE PANTS)

-(FRIDA KAHLO SCREAMS)

-(GROWLS)

(ALL GASP)

(DESERT CANNIBAL GROWLING)

Perhaps they're in a spot

with bad reception.

Don't worry, love.

We'll try again in ten minutes.

Could I just, maybe,

borrow that for a second?

I wanna let @definitelyahotguy

know why I'm late.

(SIGHS) It's like

I could slide down his body

-and just keep going.

-That's clearly photoshopped.

Harriet, darling... (CHUCKLES)

...you're being catfished.

No, no, no. That can't be.

Uh, sure, he always cancels

our meetups last minute

and his camera never works

when we FaceTime. Oh, f*ck me!

I'm too smart to be catfished.

Harriet, it's always

the trailblazers

who blaze past the red flags.

So comforting, Joan. Thank you.

(SIGHS, GROANS)

-(SOBS)

-Come on, Harriet.

I said thank you! Oh. (GROANS)

You got signal?

I have this weird thing

where if I don't check

my social meeds,

I kinda break down...

(CHUCKLES)

-...and spiral into darkness.

-♪ (FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(CHUCKLES)

Hmm. I hear you, Confucius.

And we do have

eight more minutes, so, uh,

let's keep talking

about your feelings.

Oh, please, yes!

There, there.

Tears are truth's elixir.

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(MOANS)

-♪ (RAVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ I like the way

This party is currently going ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

Here's a new concoction,

straight from my lab!

MR. BUTLERTRON: I am a real boy!

Who's getting on

this hog tonight?

(SCATS)

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I don't know, Mr. B,

it's all the same to me now.

I need something new

to stick up my nose.

Maybe money can solve

our problems.

Ooh, let's snort that.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, yeah.

This is some good sh*t.

-♪ (RAVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-BOTH: More!

Oh, yeah!

-Yeah!

-(SCREAMS)

-(SCUDWORTH SNORTS)

-(MEOWS)

BOTH: This is Vegas, baby!

...and when my rich parents

jet set around the world,

there's always one thing

they forget to pack...

-♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-...me.

(WHIMPERS)

Well, this has been

a very productive session.

-Now, Joan, it's time.

-Send it, JFK!

(ALL GROWL)

This should hold

until they get tired

and fall asleep.

Uh, zombies sleep, right?

-(GROWLS)

-(SCREAMS, PANTS)

Don't worry,

maybe we can try a-- (GROANS)

Oh, sorry. (GROANS)

Interesting, that raincloud

passed through the sunlight.

Meaning the temperature

must've momentarily dropped,

causing my brain

to freeze up again.

-Oh, damn!

-It's gonna be okay.

We'll stay in the sun forever.

My darling,

the earth's rotation--

I know how the Earth works.

We'll be okay.

We'll be much better than okay.

My brain will concoct--

I said cocked! (LAUGHS)

What? (GASPS) The sun!

No, no! Oh, this is worse

than I thought.

Okay, we've gotta keep JFK warm.

Not lukewarm like the fries

at In-N-Out.

I'm talking warm warm.

You mean hot?

Yes! Sacagawea. Hot!

Now, who's with me?

You better be with me!

You help me save

my hot, intelligent,

and emotionally available

boyfriend now!

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(PANTS)

(SCREAMS)

(ALL GROAN)

(DESERT CANNIBALS GROWL)

-(BOTH PANT)

-Okay, you two get outta here.

I got enough meat

to keep them occupied

for a while.

Now when you find the others,

tell Joan I d*ed the way

I lived, protecting my friends

-and never apologizing for it.

-We're all getting out of this.

We gotta climb.

-(ALL GROWL)

-ABE: Climb, climb.

What do we climb?

Uh, I mean, right.

Okay, that tickles.

Oh! That's not a step.

-(ALL GROWL)

-(SCREAMS)

Who touched my butt?

Where can we take JFK

that's hot?

We gotta keep his head warm

and his IQ up.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

CONFUCIUS: Huh! The sun's

actually making her paler.

There! We have to go

in the Arroyo!

Isn't that where

we're not supposed to go?

I don't care! I already lost

one male best friend.

I am not losing another.

I've got to save this JFK!

-Warm him up.

-GENGHIS KHAN: I'll do my thing.

-(FARTS)

-(CHUCKLES) Butt.

It's not working.

We need more butts.

-(PANTS)

-Come on, Harriet!

JFK needs our butts to sit

on his face to keep it warm.

No! Leave me.

I would rather freeze to death

than stay alive as a fool

who thought she found love.

Wait, what?

@definitelyahotguy was a lie.

If I'm dumb enough

to be catfished,

I won't ever find love

or make it big.

Oh, my God,

there's nothing to live for!

I hear you.

But there's plenty to live for,

like all those sunsets

you love.

Or those high angle pics

of pies.

Oh, and what

about those squirrel memes

you posts

on 'Squirrel Saturdays'?

They're so good.

Especially with that caption

you always use, it’s like,

BOTH: "I'm a nut for nuts."

-(CHUCKLES)

-(CHUCKLES) It kills me!

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

How would he know all that?

Unless, @definitelyahotguy

is--

JOAN: Hey!

I need butts over here!

Big ones, regular ones,

-warm butts, now!

-We gotta go, Harriet!

♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Yeah!

-Wow!

-Wow!

(MR. BUTLERTRON STUTTERS)

-Ooh!

-Huh?

-(BREATHES HEAVILY)

-(MR. BUTLERTRON SCREAMS)

Oh! Ow! Ow!

(SCREAMS)

(SCUDWORTH GRUNTS)

(BOTH GROAN)

-(EAGLE SCREECHING)

-(GROANS)

Where-- where am I?

(WOLVES HOWLING)

Wait a minute!

We never went to Vegas.

-It was a mirage after all.

-(BOTH LAUGH)

We must have passed out

due to heat exhaustion, Wesley.

I'm sorry for snorting you up.

-Me, too.

-Look at us,

dying in the desert

like a couple of goofs.

I can leave if you still prefer

dying alone.

Yes, thank you, Mr. B.

But in a minute.

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(SIGHS)

JOAN: All right, Genghis,

I think that's enough.

Come on, smart JFK,

stay with me.

I have one final wish.

It's clear you're meant to be

with someone who's more

than a consensual

sexual intercourse partner,

someone you can both

be in bed with

and be in mental bed with.

For I will never break up

with you.

Alas, you must break up with me.

No, I can't! I won't lose you!

There's one last thing

I must say.

What is it, JFK?

You must sit on my face!

-(ALL LAUGH)

-(LAUGHS) Sex joke.

-You guys hear that? (LAUGHS)

-(ALL LAUGH)

I know, funny, right, Joan?

What?

Oh, babe? Are your,

er, uh, eyes peeing?

Hmm?

-(GIGGLES, GROWLS)

-(THUNDER RUMBLING)

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-No, it's raining.

That will cause a flash flood,

and we're in the Arroyo.

That is exactly what not to do.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

-(ALL GROWL)

-(SCREAMS) No! Don't eat me!

Don't eat me! Wait a minute.

You aren't

cannibalistic zombies?

You're just drunk, old,

leathery people

in loose vacation wear?

Hey, we're not old.

We're , we just love the sun.

Well, you look older, like,

uh, .

And we're not people,

we're divorcees.

You see, we broke up

with our partners

and best friends

who are all stubborn

and wanted us to apologize.

We left them to roam the desert,

where we eat chips and guac,

and drink sneaky margs

at art galleries.

Got this for only , dollars.

But why were you chasing us?

We just wanted to invite you

to our art show.

-The theme is turquoise.

-♪ (HARP CORDS PLAYING) ♪

Maybe it is better to apologize

to your best friend,

even though you know

you're right.

(BOTH SIGH)

I need to get to Arroyo Fest

right now.

Arroyo Fest?

Why didn't you say that?

All Arroyos lead to the Fest.

Oh, just catch

the : flash flood.

Should be coming in soon.

DESERT PERSON: Bye-bye.

(BOTH GRUNT)

(ALL CHEER)

-Arroyo Fest!

-Finally!

-(CROWD CHEERING)

-I'm gonna debut my cover

of the hottest song

on the charts right now.

The songwriters

are currently missing.

This goes out to them.

ATTENDEE: We love you, Mila!

♪ I like the way

The party is currently going ♪

♪ I like the way

The party is currently going ♪

(ALL SCREAM)

Sorry, ladies, got a little case

of the accordion legs.

It's all grizzy.

Cleo and I got this.

Oh, my God.

It's been, like, a few hours.

I've probably

got so many messages.

-(KEYPAD CLICKING)

-(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Oh, your boy is back, baby!

♪ ("HIGH HOPES"

BY AMBER RYANN PLAYING) ♪

Hey, Joan.

I'm sorry, I didn't tell you

about JFK and Harriet earlier.

As your best friend,

I should have known better.

And hopefully, one day,

we can become friends again.

But until then,

I bid you adieu.

Wow, that's really emotionally

intelligent.

You can learn a lot

from divorcees.

Hey, Abe,

you wanna be friends again?

I would love nothing more.

And I have so much

-I want to tell--

-Hey, is your whole party here?

Yes, my whole party is here.

God, she's such a bitch.

Well, what are we waiting

for then?

Let's get you folks home.

(ALL CHEER)

Hey! Let's join

the Mile High Club, hey?

(CHUCKLES) Maybe I can

copter a feel of your breasts.

-Whoa! (CHUCKLES) Still got it!

-Sure thing, babe. Sure thing.

MILA BRÛLÉE: ♪ I like the way

The party is currently going ♪

♪ I like the way the party

Is currently going ♪

♪ Is currently going ♪

♪ I like the way ♪

♪ This party

Is currently going ♪

♪ Is currently going ♪

♪ I like the way ♪

♪ This party

Is currently going ♪

♪ I like the way

This party is currently going ♪

♪ I like the way

This party is currently going ♪

♪ I like the way

I like the way it ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪