-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-ABE LINCOLN: Tonight
on a very special Clone High.
It's the last day of school
and every relationship
will be put
to the ultimate test.
Will Harriet
and Confucius survive?
What about Cleo and Frida?
Will Abe finally bare his soul
to Joan,
or will Topher's blackmail--
I mean White leverage
keep him silenced forever?
Prepare for some answers,
people, because this is
a season finale episode.
And you're gettin'
the good stuff.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"
BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
♪ Way, way back in the 's ♪
♪ Secret government employees ♪
♪ Dug up
Famous guys and ladies ♪
♪ And made
Amusing genetic copies ♪
♪ Then the clones
As teens were frozen ♪
♪ Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪
♪ Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪
♪ Giving high school
Another try ♪
♪ It's time to watch
Clone High ♪
♪ Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
♪ Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I finally have lots of friends
to sign my yearbook
and fill it with really intimate
and important messages,
like "never change"
and "keep in touch."
Now, who wants to go first?
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Mm. Nobody? Really? Abe?
Absolutely!
Can I get a whole page?
I just want to tell you
everything that's in my heart--
Uh-uh-uh. Grumbles?
Uh... I'm busy!
-(MONKEY SCREECHING)
-WOMAN: My monkey!
JANITOR:
I'll sign your yearbook.
You're a lone wolf,
just like me.
-JOAN OF ARC: I'm not a--
-(HOWLS)
Lone wolf.
-(MIC SCREECHING)
-Sit down you hormonal turds.
Here we are, the last day
of the school year.
I'm sure many of you
are wondering what's next?
Well, let us tell you
about a magical place
where people sleep
four to a room
-and have cereal for every meal.
-(CLONES GASP)
What is this magical place?
CANDIDE SAMPSON:
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ I'm talkin' about college
Clone High College ♪
♪ Eating bricks of ramen noodles
And staying up late ♪
-♪ Walking in on your roommate ♪
-(SCREAMS)
-♪ Trying to-- ♪
-Calculate! I'm doing homework!
♪ Drinking JÃgerbombs
Wearing shoes in the shower ♪
♪ Convenience store burritos ♪
-♪ Then puking for an hour ♪
-(RETCHING)
♪ But you have to get in ♪
♪ Knock, knock, who's there? ♪
♪ College, maybe ♪
BOTH:
♪ You can go to Clone High ♪
-♪ University ♪
-♪ University ♪
(HOLDS NOTE)
Where do I pick up my check,
darling?
Get out of here, Ethel Merman.
-(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Oh, I can't wait for college!
College sounds like a place
where nothing can go wrong!
Not so fast! Only those who pass
the entrance exam
shall gain
admittance to college,
because college is like
a hot night club,
only the finest people get in.
Your test will commence
after lunch.
Prepare yourselves!
Sorry. My jazz hands
were jazzier in rehearsal.
No one noticed.
They were looking
at my jazz hands
which are inherently more jazzy
on account of my arthritis.
Come on, these fingers
are always the jazziest.
Now, we need to talk.
Why? Am I getting a promotion
for organizing this whole
college entrance exam?
CANDIDE: No.
I got you a present.
A present?
But these are just
my personal belongings
hastily tossed
into a cardboard box.
CANDIDE: It brings me
no joy to say this, but...
you're fired!
You are outta here, sucker!
Who has a job? Not you!
-(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)
-♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
There, there, sweet principal.
It's not that big of a deal.
-You're fired, too, Mr. B.
-f*ck you! Wesley!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
HARRIET TUBMAN: Aren't you
nervous about the test?
Nah.
If I don't get into college,
I'll probably just stay home
and be rich. I'm good.
But don't you want to do
something more with your life?
Like run a company,
or a country?
-Oh, I have people to do that.
-You sit your ass down
and take this goddamned test,
so we can go to college
and preserve this wonderful,
healthy relationship!
Hey, besties!
I'm so excited about college,
but what if it comes between us?
We will always be together.
We're the four amigas, remember?
Huh. I don't remember
that being established,
but it does make me feel better.
Nothing can come
between the four amigas,
except maybe distance, time,
or like a Hunger Games,
or Squid Games type situation.
Yeah! The four amigas
will be living our best lives
in the big city!
Speaking of which,
where is Clone High College?
The brochure is super vague.
It says West Dakota?
All right! Take out
your number two pencils,
open your booklets to page one,
and begin.
(CLOCK TICKING)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-What in the-- (GASPS)
-Good luck. You'll need it.
-(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
-(SCREAMS)
-(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
-(SCREAMS)
♪ (HUMS "CLONE HIGH
THEME SONG") ♪
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
-(PANTS)
-(COUGHS)
Joan, are you okay?
-MICHAEL BOLTON: Hey there!
-Huh?
It's legendary singer,
songwriter, Michael Bolton!
We're gonna have some fun,
sing some songs,
and probably a lot of people
are gonna die.
♪ But we won't focus on that ♪
Anywho.
-♪ Welcome to the death maze! ♪
-CLONES: What?
How did he make that sound sexy?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Did you see?
They kept me on the e-vite list
for the death maze watch party!
-This is my event!
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
I put the whole thing together,
and this e-vite is an e-sult
-to injury!
-What if we were to show up
with our heads held high,
in k*ller outfits?
You're right. We could wear
outfits that k*ll Candide.
You know, it has like poison
or knives in it or something.
And it's high waisted.
-♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪
-JOAN: Hi, excuse me, Michael.
When you say "death maze,"
it makes me wonder,
what happens if you don't
make it through the maze?
Here's the deal.
You have one hour to traverse
the terrifying obstacles
of the death maze.
Those of you who reach the end
of the maze and hit the buzzer
will be admitted
to Clone High College!
Those who don't, well,
hey, you'll be saving
a ton of money on college.
-(DRUM RIM sh*t)
-Your time starts...
♪ Now ♪
-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(CLONES SCREAM, GASP)
-(SCREAMS)
-(SCREAMS)
(PANTS)
-(GROANS)
-Death maze!
The aforementioned amigas,
assemble! We have to move fast!
Confucius, hurry up!
The door's closing!
I gotta tie these babies
on tight. I'm not a good runner.
I only do rich people sports,
most of them are on horses.
-(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)
-Oop. Oh, no. Gotta start over.
Harriet!
Confucius! You need
to be more of a go-getter, okay?
-You have to want this, too!
-Eh. If I miss it, I miss it.
Now, what comes
after bunny ears?
That's it! I'm breaking up
with you! I'm sorry!
Wait, what? Harriet!
Come with me if you want
to get to college.
And by college I mean, non-stop
consensual sex in twin beds.
(GRUNTS)
Ugh! Brontë sisters! No!
I've made a Jane Error!
(ALL SIGH)
That's the kind of wordplay
they would have loved.
Harr, you okay?
I saw you left Confucius behind.
Bold move. I could never do that
to Cle-Cle.
I made a choice
and I'm good with it.
-I'm so good! I am so good!
-Guys, hold up.
-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(EAGLE SCREECHING)
Um. What's that?
JOAN: Ooh! Okay,
this must be our first obstacle!
FRIDA KAHLO: "A, B, C, D."
What does that spell?
-It looks like a Scantron test.
-SCANGRADE: Correction!
Scan-grade. The magnificent!
I mean, of all the characters
to bring back...
Answer this question.
What is the basis of all strong
female friendships?
A, gossip. B, support. C, love.
D, a pair of jeans that travels
from person to person.
Duh. It's a trick question.
There's no such thing
as strong female friendships.
I mean, except for us.
The four amigas. Whatever.
Choose C! The answer's always C!
-(BUZZER BUZZING)
-(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAM)
(LAUGHS MENACINGLY)
MICHAEL:
We have our first fallen clone!
♪ You got death mazed ♪
(ALL CHEER, LAUGH)
Hello, everyone!
Such a lovely event.
Excuse our most
fashionable lateness.
I hope the toilets are working
because sh*t's about to go down.
-(GULPS)
-Well done, Candide.
"Operation Spread Eagle"
is really spreading out nicely.
And I'm sure
you did this all by yourself
because you are very unpleasant
to be around. Great solo effort!
-What!
-(GLASS SHATTERING)
I was the architect of this!
I even recorded a Death Maze
theme song! It goes like this.
(SCATTING)
♪ Yeah, the Death Maze ♪
That's not my theme song!
Bolton! That piece of sh--
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Well, we know it's not C.
-(LAUGHS) Who's next?
-How do we pick?
All the choices seem wrong.
Like eating at Sizzler.
(GASPS) Then we go off menu!
The answer's E!
All of the above.
-(ALL CHEER)
-HARRIET: Eeee!
-Perfect letter for a zip line!
-(FRIDA LAUGHS)
No!
(CONFUCIUS GROANS)
Hey guys!
Which way should we go?
♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪
I, er, uh, listen to my butt.
And my butt is telling me
to go this way!
Well, I listen
to my Adam's apple,
and my Adam's apple
is telling me
to listen to your butt.
Who cares about what your
body parts are telling you!
Harriet dumped me!
(SOBBING)
Well, we should
probably get going!
We only have an hour
to find our way
through this maze
and hit the buzzer!
-(SOBS)
-Let him grieve!
Getting dumped is horrible!
It feels like a b*llet's gone
into your head.
You have no idea, Lincoln!
HARRIET: Confucius, help me,
sweet daddy long legs!
Harriet! Where are you?
-JOAN: I also need help.
-Hmm.
-JOAN: My name's Joan!
-(GASPS)
-That's Joan!
-My Joanie.
She's not your Joanie anymore!
Uh. She's not yours either, Abe.
I'm trying to save her!
Joan, I'm coming!
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Oh, my God.
-What?
Do you like Joan?
-Spoiler alert!
-Everyone knows that.
♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪
Outta my way, Lincoln!
-Joan! (GASPS)
-HARRIET: Help me!
Confufu, I need you!
-Heebie Jeebie babies?
-That do impressions?
Oh, Abe. I need
your sweet tender kisses.
-(BOTH GROWL)
-(CLONES SCREAM)
-ABE LINCOLN: I'm in its mouth!
-(GRUNTS)
-Thanks.
-(SOBS, YELLS)
Oh! My crossbody bag!
(GASPS)
ABE: Number two pencils!
They're so sharp!
CONFUCIUS: I don't wanna get
lead poisoning!
TOPHER BUS: Actually,
pencil lead is made of graphite.
ALL: Shut up, Topher!
(PANTS, GRUNTS)
Bounce on my bouncy butt!
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(ALL GRUNT)
Cross on my leggy legs!
(ALL GRUNT)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CONCLUDES) ♪
Abe...
(GRUNTS)
♪ (INSPIRATIONAL
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, we make a really good...
BOTH: Duo of bros
who will remain friends
for the rest of our lives!
-(CHUCKLES)
-(SHADOWY FIGURES BOOING)
SHADOWY FIGURE LESLIE:
We wanted a death maze,
-not a hug labyrinth!
-Boring! More deaths, please!
Bring back Scangrade!
Now, that's a real robot.
Screw that test grading
scrap metal!
First, she fires me,
then she brings in my nemesis,
Scangrade!
And she brought in
Michael Bolton!
My nemesis du jour.
We have no choice,
but to destroy Candide.
Bring me my death-cessories!
(YAWNS)
They want more v*olence?
They got it.
-Time to liven things up a bit.
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(PLAYING FLUTE)
-(CHEERS)
-(CHEERS, GRUNTS)
Oh, no. I k*lled Bert!
I mean, I hate Bert
but I was aiming for Candide!
I'll call his family.
JOAN: We're making good time,
amigas!
Okay, we still have minutes
to hit that buzzer
and then college here we come!
Ooh! The Hall
of Extracurricular Activities!
My college counselor said
you can never have
too many of these!
(GASPS) We get to choose
our own w*apon.
Fun, I love shopping!
(SQUEAKS)
Well, I hope they don't want us
four amigas to fight each other,
'cause we wouldn't.
Nothing can tear us apart!
-Nothing!
-Plus, I'd win.
(FLUTE PLAYING)
(LOUD THUDDING)
Whoa, your eyes look crazy, MC.
And not just in that
radiation poisoning way.
-(GROANS)
-(SCREAMS)
-(SCREAMS)
-(SCREAMS) Oh, no!
-Marie Curie, no!
-How is this bitch so strong?
-Help! I can't hold you both!
-Frida! I'm slipping!
I'm slipping, too!
-(GRUNTS)
-Frida!
-(SCREAMS)
-(GRUNTS)
-Joan! Oh!
-(JOAN SCREAMING)
-(CRIES)
-(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, God. No. I can't believe it.
I'm so sorry, Joan.
I get it. Sometimes we have
to make rash decisions
that we ultimately regret.
But that's okay. (SOBS)
-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Oh, my gosh.
-Joan! You're alive.
-(GRUNTS)
-No thanks to you!
-I couldn't hold you both.
You all said we were going
to be besties
and do this whole college thing
together!
I thought we were
the four amigas!
But, it's clearly
the three amigas.
I had your back
in the multiple choice thing,
but who has my back?
Okay, let's all just take
a quick eight count and--
Did I save the love of my life
over you?
Sure, but you would do
the same thing for someone
that you love.
JFK, or is it Abe now?
I can't keep track
of your White-girl crushes.
Fine. I don't need you guys.
I have other friends
that I'll go to college with!
Babe, that was hot.
-(GROANS)
-(FLUTE PLAYING)
Topher, leave him alone!
That's my best friend.
Sorry about that. I don't know
what got into me.
Anyway, Abe, let's ride!
Giddy up, Abe! Hyah!
Why are you letting him
order you around?
He tried to m*rder you!
Don't tell him, Abe. Or else!
-(GASPS)
-What's on this twerp's phone?
Uh... uh...
He's blackmailing me.
I mean, White leveraging me.
Turns out he's in love
with Joan, too.
What--
But that's our special thing!
(GRUNTS)
Thanks, JFK!
You know what the most powerful
thing in the world is?
-My boohiney?
-No. Our friendship.
Although, your rump
is very impressive.
JOAN: Abe! JFK! It's Joan!
Can I join your team?
I don't know
if I can do this alone.
Joan, Abe has something
he's dying to say to you!
Now's your chance, bud.
But how do we know
it's really her
and not one those
little Heebie Jeebies?
(GASPS) I got it!
Hi, Joan.
What's my favorite color?
-Red!
-Wrong. It's the Heebie Jeebies.
What? Get out of here!
You smell awful and we hate you
and you do bad impressions!
ABE: Now scram,
you hairy monster!
-Hairy monster?
-♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Fine. I am a lone wolf.
And I'm gonna take myself
to college alone.
I don't need
any of those people.
And just like a lone wolf,
I'm gonna destroy my enemies.
(DEMONIC VOICE)
And piss all over everything!
-(HOWLS)
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
ABE: Oh wait,
my favorite color is red.
Man, how'd those
little Heebie Jeebies know that?
-(GROANS) Ow!
-We need to get to that buzzer!
I didn't give up everything
I loved in the world
to not get into this
very suspect
and mysterious college.
Hold up.
Cleo needs a mirror break.
But we're not going to college
if we don't keep moving.
What's the point of college
if you can't be there
with the one you love?
-♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(GASPS) Oh, my God.
I made a terrible mistake!
I broke up with Confucius
for not being a go-getter,
but now, all I wanna do
is go get him!
(GASPS) Look! Is that...
It's Confucius' crossbody bag.
That means he made it
into the maze!
-(SCREAMS)
-Harriet, No!
Looks like it's just you and me.
-(GROANS)
-(GROANS) Oh, my God.
We're totally falling, too!
Una amiga.
(GRUNTING)
Hey, guys, over here!
Is this the next obstacle?
I don't know, it looks
more like a basketball court.
But we should
probably get going.
There's a time limit
on this thing.
Agreed!
-♪ (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(CLONES LAUGHING)
-Downtown!
-Touchdown!
-Sky hook!
-Spud Webb.
Yeah!
Can't leave on a miss!
-Yeah!
-(CLONES LAUGHING)
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(CLONES SCREAMING)
-(HOWLS)
-♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(PANTS, GROWLS)
(SCREAMS)
-(JOAN GROWLS)
-(WHIMPERS)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS) Peany!
(HOWLS)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Oh, thank you very much.
(EXHALES)
(MUNCHES)
(SCREAMS)
-(GRUNTS)
-(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
-Right on schedule.
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
How did we k*ll everyone
but her?
My damned astigmatism,
once again!
We'll take those poppers
to go.
Um. you guys haven't paid yet--
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
-(GROWLS, PANTS)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(GRUNTS)
-(PARTY BLOWER TOOTING)
-Huh?
That's it? I did it?
Wait. Oh, God.
What did I just do?
Congratulations,
foster daughter. Come with me.
I think, it's time
for you to know.
There is no Clone High College.
Wait, what?
But, what about the maze?
Michael Bolton?
This competition
was a top secret initiative
called "Operation Spread Eagle."
And to think, this whole time
you thought you were a wolf,
but actually, you're an eagle!
Congratulations, Joan.
You're going to be
the next world leader!
And I'll be right by your side.
-I'm so confused.
-(LIZARD HISSES)
You're going to love
ruling the world.
I'm talking nuclear codes!
State secrets!
Bottomless shrimp!
Wait, by bottomless
do you mean unlimited
or that their tails
have been removed?
The best part is,
you won't have to worry
about your silly little
high school friends.
-Oh, my God, my friends!
-Don't worry, they're alive.
But they won't remember you
after I zap their minds
with the memory eraser ray!
Just like I did with you guys
-and Gandhi!
-Who?
(FREEZER BUZZING)
JOAN: Wait,
my friends are alive?
I mean,
they're still selfish jerks,
-but they're not hurt!
-CANDIDE: For now.
I will make them forget
everything, including you.
You can fulfill your destiny
like the champion you are.
But why do you need
to erase their memory?
With no memories,
they can start fresh!
We may need to do this again
when something terrible
happens to you.
When?
If something terrible happens.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH:
Dammit! I missed!
I fell on my nuts. And bolts.
Right on cue.
I knew if I told you
that you were fired
you would go on a k*lling spree,
eliminating all who stood
in my way.
-SCUDWORTH: So, I'm not fired?
-You have tenure, you fool!
♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS) So many memories...
Confucius, I just want you
to know how sorry I am
for breaking up with you.
I was wrong.
Just because you're not
ambitious about college
doesn't mean you're not driven
about the one thing
that really matters.
-Us.
-(GASPS)
-Can you forgive me?
-I don't know,
it's gonna be really hard
to forget something like that.
You know we're going to have
our memories erased, right?
Right. In that case...
-let's consider it forgotten.
-(SIGHS)
-I don't see Joan anywhere.
-She must've won. Good for her.
You know,
if I can't be with her,
she could do a lot worse
than you.
Thanks, JFK.
All I can do is tell her
how I feel,
if I remember how I feel.
Since we're all
confessing stuff,
I'm done being nice!
This is how I really feel.
Women shouldn't wear--
CLONES: Shut up, Topher!
♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I forgot all these pivotal
life-changing teen memories.
You know why
you'll never make it
in this Shadowy business,
Scudworth?
You care too much.
SCUDWORTH: You're damned right
I do. They're my creations!
My children! Mine! Mine! Mine!
Mine! Mine!
You moron! That was your first
mistake. Caring.
You should be more like Joan!
Put yourself first.
Viciously knock out
the competition.
And above all,
don't have friends
or care about others--
(JOAN GRUNTING)
I do care about others!
Now, let's go save my friends!
SCUDWORTH:
Candide, raise your hand
if you think I should help Joan
rescue my clones.
SCUDWORTH: That's a yes.
(MACHINE BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Memory wipe initiated.
(ALL PANT)
SCUDWORTH:
That's a lot of buttons!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Twenty-five percent complete.
(ALL PANT)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Fifty percent complete.
(BOTH PANT)
SCUDWORTH: Gettin' my steps in!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Seventy-five percent complete.
Memory wipe comp--
Did I make it in time?
-Who are you?
-It's me, Joan of Arc.
You know me!
Joan... I had something I needed
to tell someone named Joan.
Mm, I can't remember
what it was.
Oh, no. No, no! No!
I'm too late!
-♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-♪ Flipping through a book ♪
♪ The pages of our lives ♪
♪ Just like racing
Through a maze ♪
♪ We're all tangled up ♪
♪ Lost inside our minds ♪
♪ Bring us back our best days ♪
♪ Cutting through the haze ♪
♪ A million different ways ♪
♪ It's just like starting over ♪
♪ Remember to remember
The memories ♪
♪ Don't forget
All the memories ♪
♪ Remember to remember
The memories ♪
♪ Recall all the memories ♪
I think I'm starting to...
remember.
I remember, too!
We all do!
Except for the dinosaur.
When did that happen?
Thanks for saving
our memories, fam.
We never meant to let you down.
I'm just so glad
to have you back!
Joan! I remembered what I
was going to tell you before.
It's big. See, deep down I think
I've always known
-that you were the o--
-CANDIDE: Not so fast.
(CLONES GASP)
You know the funny thing
about yearbooks is,
they only show
the good memories.
-♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-♪ Remember to remember ♪
♪ The memories ♪
♪ Recall all the memories ♪
♪ Remember ♪
♪ Remember ♪
Oh, boy.
Um. Could we get that
memory eraser ray going again?
♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ Flipping through a book ♪
♪ The pages of our lives ♪
♪ Just like racing
Through a maze ♪
♪ We're all tangled up ♪
♪ Lost inside our minds ♪
♪ Bring us back our best days ♪
♪ Cutting through the haze ♪
♪ A million different ways ♪
♪ It's just like starting over ♪
♪ Remember to remember
The memories ♪
♪ Don't forget
All the memories ♪
-♪ Remember to remember
The memories ♪
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
01x10 - Clone Alone
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Historical figures who have been cloned and placed back in high school to face the trials of normal teenage life.
Historical figures who have been cloned and placed back in high school to face the trials of normal teenage life.