01x10 - Clone Alone

[bunniefuu]

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-ABE LINCOLN: Tonight

on a very special Clone High.

It's the last day of school

and every relationship

will be put

to the ultimate test.

Will Harriet

and Confucius survive?

What about Cleo and Frida?

Will Abe finally bare his soul

to Joan,

or will Topher's blackmail--

I mean White leverage

keep him silenced forever?

Prepare for some answers,

people, because this is

a season finale episode.

And you're gettin'

the good stuff.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"

BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪

♪ Way, way back in the 's ♪

♪ Secret government employees ♪

♪ Dug up

Famous guys and ladies ♪

♪ And made

Amusing genetic copies ♪

♪ Then the clones

As teens were frozen ♪

♪ Thawed out decades later

Why? ♪

♪ Back for reasons

They're not disclosin' ♪

♪ Giving high school

Another try ♪

♪ It's time to watch

Clone High ♪

♪ Energetic and engaging

Clone High ♪

♪ Our angst is entertaining

Clone High ♪

♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I finally have lots of friends

to sign my yearbook

and fill it with really intimate

and important messages,

like "never change"

and "keep in touch."

Now, who wants to go first?

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Mm. Nobody? Really? Abe?

Absolutely!

Can I get a whole page?

I just want to tell you

everything that's in my heart--

Uh-uh-uh. Grumbles?

Uh... I'm busy!

-(MONKEY SCREECHING)

-WOMAN: My monkey!

JANITOR:

I'll sign your yearbook.

You're a lone wolf,

just like me.

-JOAN OF ARC: I'm not a--

-(HOWLS)

Lone wolf.

-(MIC SCREECHING)

-Sit down you hormonal turds.

Here we are, the last day

of the school year.

I'm sure many of you

are wondering what's next?

Well, let us tell you

about a magical place

where people sleep

four to a room

-and have cereal for every meal.

-(CLONES GASP)

What is this magical place?

CANDIDE SAMPSON:

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ I'm talkin' about college

Clone High College ♪

♪ Eating bricks of ramen noodles

And staying up late ♪

-♪ Walking in on your roommate ♪

-(SCREAMS)

-♪ Trying to-- ♪

-Calculate! I'm doing homework!

♪ Drinking JÃgerbombs

Wearing shoes in the shower ♪

♪ Convenience store burritos ♪

-♪ Then puking for an hour ♪

-(RETCHING)

♪ But you have to get in ♪

♪ Knock, knock, who's there? ♪

♪ College, maybe ♪

BOTH:

♪ You can go to Clone High ♪

-♪ University ♪

-♪ University ♪

(HOLDS NOTE)

Where do I pick up my check,

darling?

Get out of here, Ethel Merman.

-(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

-Oh, I can't wait for college!

College sounds like a place

where nothing can go wrong!

Not so fast! Only those who pass

the entrance exam

shall gain

admittance to college,

because college is like

a hot night club,

only the finest people get in.

Your test will commence

after lunch.

Prepare yourselves!

Sorry. My jazz hands

were jazzier in rehearsal.

No one noticed.

They were looking

at my jazz hands

which are inherently more jazzy

on account of my arthritis.

Come on, these fingers

are always the jazziest.

Now, we need to talk.

Why? Am I getting a promotion

for organizing this whole

college entrance exam?

CANDIDE: No.

I got you a present.

A present?

But these are just

my personal belongings

hastily tossed

into a cardboard box.

CANDIDE: It brings me

no joy to say this, but...

you're fired!

You are outta here, sucker!

Who has a job? Not you!

-(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)

-♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

There, there, sweet principal.

It's not that big of a deal.

-You're fired, too, Mr. B.

-f*ck you! Wesley!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

HARRIET TUBMAN: Aren't you

nervous about the test?

Nah.

If I don't get into college,

I'll probably just stay home

and be rich. I'm good.

But don't you want to do

something more with your life?

Like run a company,

or a country?

-Oh, I have people to do that.

-You sit your ass down

and take this goddamned test,

so we can go to college

and preserve this wonderful,

healthy relationship!

Hey, besties!

I'm so excited about college,

but what if it comes between us?

We will always be together.

We're the four amigas, remember?

Huh. I don't remember

that being established,

but it does make me feel better.

Nothing can come

between the four amigas,

except maybe distance, time,

or like a Hunger Games,

or Squid Games type situation.

Yeah! The four amigas

will be living our best lives

in the big city!

Speaking of which,

where is Clone High College?

The brochure is super vague.

It says West Dakota?

All right! Take out

your number two pencils,

open your booklets to page one,

and begin.

(CLOCK TICKING)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-What in the-- (GASPS)

-Good luck. You'll need it.

-(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

-(SCREAMS)

-(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

-(SCREAMS)

♪ (HUMS "CLONE HIGH

THEME SONG") ♪

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

-(PANTS)

-(COUGHS)

Joan, are you okay?

-MICHAEL BOLTON: Hey there!

-Huh?

It's legendary singer,

songwriter, Michael Bolton!

We're gonna have some fun,

sing some songs,

and probably a lot of people

are gonna die.

♪ But we won't focus on that ♪

Anywho.

-♪ Welcome to the death maze! ♪

-CLONES: What?

How did he make that sound sexy?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(CELLPHONE DINGS)

Did you see?

They kept me on the e-vite list

for the death maze watch party!

-This is my event!

-(GLASS SHATTERING)

I put the whole thing together,

and this e-vite is an e-sult

-to injury!

-What if we were to show up

with our heads held high,

in k*ller outfits?

You're right. We could wear

outfits that k*ll Candide.

You know, it has like poison

or knives in it or something.

And it's high waisted.

-♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪

-JOAN: Hi, excuse me, Michael.

When you say "death maze,"

it makes me wonder,

what happens if you don't

make it through the maze?

Here's the deal.

You have one hour to traverse

the terrifying obstacles

of the death maze.

Those of you who reach the end

of the maze and hit the buzzer

will be admitted

to Clone High College!

Those who don't, well,

hey, you'll be saving

a ton of money on college.

-(DRUM RIM sh*t)

-Your time starts...

♪ Now ♪

-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(CLONES SCREAM, GASP)

-(SCREAMS)

-(SCREAMS)

(PANTS)

-(GROANS)

-Death maze!

The aforementioned amigas,

assemble! We have to move fast!

Confucius, hurry up!

The door's closing!

I gotta tie these babies

on tight. I'm not a good runner.

I only do rich people sports,

most of them are on horses.

-(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

-Oop. Oh, no. Gotta start over.

Harriet!

Confucius! You need

to be more of a go-getter, okay?

-You have to want this, too!

-Eh. If I miss it, I miss it.

Now, what comes

after bunny ears?

That's it! I'm breaking up

with you! I'm sorry!

Wait, what? Harriet!

Come with me if you want

to get to college.

And by college I mean, non-stop

consensual sex in twin beds.

(GRUNTS)

Ugh! Brontë sisters! No!

I've made a Jane Error!

(ALL SIGH)

That's the kind of wordplay

they would have loved.

Harr, you okay?

I saw you left Confucius behind.

Bold move. I could never do that

to Cle-Cle.

I made a choice

and I'm good with it.

-I'm so good! I am so good!

-Guys, hold up.

-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(EAGLE SCREECHING)

Um. What's that?

JOAN: Ooh! Okay,

this must be our first obstacle!

FRIDA KAHLO: "A, B, C, D."

What does that spell?

-It looks like a Scantron test.

-SCANGRADE: Correction!

Scan-grade. The magnificent!

I mean, of all the characters

to bring back...

Answer this question.

What is the basis of all strong

female friendships?

A, gossip. B, support. C, love.

D, a pair of jeans that travels

from person to person.

Duh. It's a trick question.

There's no such thing

as strong female friendships.

I mean, except for us.

The four amigas. Whatever.

Choose C! The answer's always C!

-(BUZZER BUZZING)

-(SCREAMS)

(ALL SCREAM)

(LAUGHS MENACINGLY)

MICHAEL:

We have our first fallen clone!

♪ You got death mazed ♪

(ALL CHEER, LAUGH)

Hello, everyone!

Such a lovely event.

Excuse our most

fashionable lateness.

I hope the toilets are working

because sh*t's about to go down.

-(GULPS)

-Well done, Candide.

"Operation Spread Eagle"

is really spreading out nicely.

And I'm sure

you did this all by yourself

because you are very unpleasant

to be around. Great solo effort!

-What!

-(GLASS SHATTERING)

I was the architect of this!

I even recorded a Death Maze

theme song! It goes like this.

(SCATTING)

♪ Yeah, the Death Maze ♪

That's not my theme song!

Bolton! That piece of sh--

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Well, we know it's not C.

-(LAUGHS) Who's next?

-How do we pick?

All the choices seem wrong.

Like eating at Sizzler.

(GASPS) Then we go off menu!

The answer's E!

All of the above.

-(ALL CHEER)

-HARRIET: Eeee!

-Perfect letter for a zip line!

-(FRIDA LAUGHS)

No!

(CONFUCIUS GROANS)

Hey guys!

Which way should we go?

♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪

I, er, uh, listen to my butt.

And my butt is telling me

to go this way!

Well, I listen

to my Adam's apple,

and my Adam's apple

is telling me

to listen to your butt.

Who cares about what your

body parts are telling you!

Harriet dumped me!

(SOBBING)

Well, we should

probably get going!

We only have an hour

to find our way

through this maze

and hit the buzzer!

-(SOBS)

-Let him grieve!

Getting dumped is horrible!

It feels like a b*llet's gone

into your head.

You have no idea, Lincoln!

HARRIET: Confucius, help me,

sweet daddy long legs!

Harriet! Where are you?

-JOAN: I also need help.

-Hmm.

-JOAN: My name's Joan!

-(GASPS)

-That's Joan!

-My Joanie.

She's not your Joanie anymore!

Uh. She's not yours either, Abe.

I'm trying to save her!

Joan, I'm coming!

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Oh, my God.

-What?

Do you like Joan?

-Spoiler alert!

-Everyone knows that.

♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪

Outta my way, Lincoln!

-Joan! (GASPS)

-HARRIET: Help me!

Confufu, I need you!

-Heebie Jeebie babies?

-That do impressions?

Oh, Abe. I need

your sweet tender kisses.

-(BOTH GROWL)

-(CLONES SCREAM)

-ABE LINCOLN: I'm in its mouth!

-(GRUNTS)

-Thanks.

-(SOBS, YELLS)

Oh! My crossbody bag!

(GASPS)

ABE: Number two pencils!

They're so sharp!

CONFUCIUS: I don't wanna get

lead poisoning!

TOPHER BUS: Actually,

pencil lead is made of graphite.

ALL: Shut up, Topher!

(PANTS, GRUNTS)

Bounce on my bouncy butt!

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(ALL GRUNT)

Cross on my leggy legs!

(ALL GRUNT)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

CONCLUDES) ♪

Abe...

(GRUNTS)

♪ (INSPIRATIONAL

MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Hey, we make a really good...

BOTH: Duo of bros

who will remain friends

for the rest of our lives!

-(CHUCKLES)

-(SHADOWY FIGURES BOOING)

SHADOWY FIGURE LESLIE:

We wanted a death maze,

-not a hug labyrinth!

-Boring! More deaths, please!

Bring back Scangrade!

Now, that's a real robot.

Screw that test grading

scrap metal!

First, she fires me,

then she brings in my nemesis,

Scangrade!

And she brought in

Michael Bolton!

My nemesis du jour.

We have no choice,

but to destroy Candide.

Bring me my death-cessories!

(YAWNS)

They want more v*olence?

They got it.

-Time to liven things up a bit.

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(PLAYING FLUTE)

-(CHEERS)

-(CHEERS, GRUNTS)

Oh, no. I k*lled Bert!

I mean, I hate Bert

but I was aiming for Candide!

I'll call his family.

JOAN: We're making good time,

amigas!

Okay, we still have minutes

to hit that buzzer

and then college here we come!

Ooh! The Hall

of Extracurricular Activities!

My college counselor said

you can never have

too many of these!

(GASPS) We get to choose

our own w*apon.

Fun, I love shopping!

(SQUEAKS)

Well, I hope they don't want us

four amigas to fight each other,

'cause we wouldn't.

Nothing can tear us apart!

-Nothing!

-Plus, I'd win.

(FLUTE PLAYING)

(LOUD THUDDING)

Whoa, your eyes look crazy, MC.

And not just in that

radiation poisoning way.

-(GROANS)

-(SCREAMS)

-(SCREAMS)

-(SCREAMS) Oh, no!

-Marie Curie, no!

-How is this bitch so strong?

-Help! I can't hold you both!

-Frida! I'm slipping!

I'm slipping, too!

-(GRUNTS)

-Frida!

-(SCREAMS)

-(GRUNTS)

-Joan! Oh!

-(JOAN SCREAMING)

-(CRIES)

-(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, God. No. I can't believe it.

I'm so sorry, Joan.

I get it. Sometimes we have

to make rash decisions

that we ultimately regret.

But that's okay. (SOBS)

-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Oh, my gosh.

-Joan! You're alive.

-(GRUNTS)

-No thanks to you!

-I couldn't hold you both.

You all said we were going

to be besties

and do this whole college thing

together!

I thought we were

the four amigas!

But, it's clearly

the three amigas.

I had your back

in the multiple choice thing,

but who has my back?

Okay, let's all just take

a quick eight count and--

Did I save the love of my life

over you?

Sure, but you would do

the same thing for someone

that you love.

JFK, or is it Abe now?

I can't keep track

of your White-girl crushes.

Fine. I don't need you guys.

I have other friends

that I'll go to college with!

Babe, that was hot.

-(GROANS)

-(FLUTE PLAYING)

Topher, leave him alone!

That's my best friend.

Sorry about that. I don't know

what got into me.

Anyway, Abe, let's ride!

Giddy up, Abe! Hyah!

Why are you letting him

order you around?

He tried to m*rder you!

Don't tell him, Abe. Or else!

-(GASPS)

-What's on this twerp's phone?

Uh... uh...

He's blackmailing me.

I mean, White leveraging me.

Turns out he's in love

with Joan, too.

What--

But that's our special thing!

(GRUNTS)

Thanks, JFK!

You know what the most powerful

thing in the world is?

-My boohiney?

-No. Our friendship.

Although, your rump

is very impressive.

JOAN: Abe! JFK! It's Joan!

Can I join your team?

I don't know

if I can do this alone.

Joan, Abe has something

he's dying to say to you!

Now's your chance, bud.

But how do we know

it's really her

and not one those

little Heebie Jeebies?

(GASPS) I got it!

Hi, Joan.

What's my favorite color?

-Red!

-Wrong. It's the Heebie Jeebies.

What? Get out of here!

You smell awful and we hate you

and you do bad impressions!

ABE: Now scram,

you hairy monster!

-Hairy monster?

-♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Fine. I am a lone wolf.

And I'm gonna take myself

to college alone.

I don't need

any of those people.

And just like a lone wolf,

I'm gonna destroy my enemies.

(DEMONIC VOICE)

And piss all over everything!

-(HOWLS)

-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

ABE: Oh wait,

my favorite color is red.

Man, how'd those

little Heebie Jeebies know that?

-(GROANS) Ow!

-We need to get to that buzzer!

I didn't give up everything

I loved in the world

to not get into this

very suspect

and mysterious college.

Hold up.

Cleo needs a mirror break.

But we're not going to college

if we don't keep moving.

What's the point of college

if you can't be there

with the one you love?

-♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(GASPS) Oh, my God.

I made a terrible mistake!

I broke up with Confucius

for not being a go-getter,

but now, all I wanna do

is go get him!

(GASPS) Look! Is that...

It's Confucius' crossbody bag.

That means he made it

into the maze!

-(SCREAMS)

-Harriet, No!

Looks like it's just you and me.

-(GROANS)

-(GROANS) Oh, my God.

We're totally falling, too!

Una amiga.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, guys, over here!

Is this the next obstacle?

I don't know, it looks

more like a basketball court.

But we should

probably get going.

There's a time limit

on this thing.

Agreed!

-♪ (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(CLONES LAUGHING)

-Downtown!

-Touchdown!

-Sky hook!

-Spud Webb.

Yeah!

Can't leave on a miss!

-Yeah!

-(CLONES LAUGHING)

-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-(CLONES SCREAMING)

-(HOWLS)

-♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(PANTS, GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

-(JOAN GROWLS)

-(WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS) Peany!

(HOWLS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

Oh, thank you very much.

(EXHALES)

(MUNCHES)

(SCREAMS)

-(GRUNTS)

-(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

-Right on schedule.

-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

How did we k*ll everyone

but her?

My damned astigmatism,

once again!

We'll take those poppers

to go.

Um. you guys haven't paid yet--

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

-(GROWLS, PANTS)

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(GRUNTS)

-(PARTY BLOWER TOOTING)

-Huh?

That's it? I did it?

Wait. Oh, God.

What did I just do?

Congratulations,

foster daughter. Come with me.

I think, it's time

for you to know.

There is no Clone High College.

Wait, what?

But, what about the maze?

Michael Bolton?

This competition

was a top secret initiative

called "Operation Spread Eagle."

And to think, this whole time

you thought you were a wolf,

but actually, you're an eagle!

Congratulations, Joan.

You're going to be

the next world leader!

And I'll be right by your side.

-I'm so confused.

-(LIZARD HISSES)

You're going to love

ruling the world.

I'm talking nuclear codes!

State secrets!

Bottomless shrimp!

Wait, by bottomless

do you mean unlimited

or that their tails

have been removed?

The best part is,

you won't have to worry

about your silly little

high school friends.

-Oh, my God, my friends!

-Don't worry, they're alive.

But they won't remember you

after I zap their minds

with the memory eraser ray!

Just like I did with you guys

-and Gandhi!

-Who?

(FREEZER BUZZING)

JOAN: Wait,

my friends are alive?

I mean,

they're still selfish jerks,

-but they're not hurt!

-CANDIDE: For now.

I will make them forget

everything, including you.

You can fulfill your destiny

like the champion you are.

But why do you need

to erase their memory?

With no memories,

they can start fresh!

We may need to do this again

when something terrible

happens to you.

When?

If something terrible happens.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH:

Dammit! I missed!

I fell on my nuts. And bolts.

Right on cue.

I knew if I told you

that you were fired

you would go on a k*lling spree,

eliminating all who stood

in my way.

-SCUDWORTH: So, I'm not fired?

-You have tenure, you fool!

♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS) So many memories...

Confucius, I just want you

to know how sorry I am

for breaking up with you.

I was wrong.

Just because you're not

ambitious about college

doesn't mean you're not driven

about the one thing

that really matters.

-Us.

-(GASPS)

-Can you forgive me?

-I don't know,

it's gonna be really hard

to forget something like that.

You know we're going to have

our memories erased, right?

Right. In that case...

-let's consider it forgotten.

-(SIGHS)

-I don't see Joan anywhere.

-She must've won. Good for her.

You know,

if I can't be with her,

she could do a lot worse

than you.

Thanks, JFK.

All I can do is tell her

how I feel,

if I remember how I feel.

Since we're all

confessing stuff,

I'm done being nice!

This is how I really feel.

Women shouldn't wear--

CLONES: Shut up, Topher!

♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I forgot all these pivotal

life-changing teen memories.

You know why

you'll never make it

in this Shadowy business,

Scudworth?

You care too much.

SCUDWORTH: You're damned right

I do. They're my creations!

My children! Mine! Mine! Mine!

Mine! Mine!

You moron! That was your first

mistake. Caring.

You should be more like Joan!

Put yourself first.

Viciously knock out

the competition.

And above all,

don't have friends

or care about others--

(JOAN GRUNTING)

I do care about others!

Now, let's go save my friends!

SCUDWORTH:

Candide, raise your hand

if you think I should help Joan

rescue my clones.

SCUDWORTH: That's a yes.

(MACHINE BEEPING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Memory wipe initiated.

(ALL PANT)

SCUDWORTH:

That's a lot of buttons!

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Twenty-five percent complete.

(ALL PANT)

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Fifty percent complete.

(BOTH PANT)

SCUDWORTH: Gettin' my steps in!

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Seventy-five percent complete.

Memory wipe comp--

Did I make it in time?

-Who are you?

-It's me, Joan of Arc.

You know me!

Joan... I had something I needed

to tell someone named Joan.

Mm, I can't remember

what it was.

Oh, no. No, no! No!

I'm too late!

-♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-♪ Flipping through a book ♪

♪ The pages of our lives ♪

♪ Just like racing

Through a maze ♪

♪ We're all tangled up ♪

♪ Lost inside our minds ♪

♪ Bring us back our best days ♪

♪ Cutting through the haze ♪

♪ A million different ways ♪

♪ It's just like starting over ♪

♪ Remember to remember

The memories ♪

♪ Don't forget

All the memories ♪

♪ Remember to remember

The memories ♪

♪ Recall all the memories ♪

I think I'm starting to...

remember.

I remember, too!

We all do!

Except for the dinosaur.

When did that happen?

Thanks for saving

our memories, fam.

We never meant to let you down.

I'm just so glad

to have you back!

Joan! I remembered what I

was going to tell you before.

It's big. See, deep down I think

I've always known

-that you were the o--

-CANDIDE: Not so fast.

(CLONES GASP)

You know the funny thing

about yearbooks is,

they only show

the good memories.

-♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-♪ Remember to remember ♪

♪ The memories ♪

♪ Recall all the memories ♪

♪ Remember ♪

♪ Remember ♪

Oh, boy.

Um. Could we get that

memory eraser ray going again?

♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ Flipping through a book ♪

♪ The pages of our lives ♪

♪ Just like racing

Through a maze ♪

♪ We're all tangled up ♪

♪ Lost inside our minds ♪

♪ Bring us back our best days ♪

♪ Cutting through the haze ♪

♪ A million different ways ♪

♪ It's just like starting over ♪

♪ Remember to remember

The memories ♪

♪ Don't forget

All the memories ♪

-♪ Remember to remember

The memories ♪

-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪