01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Let's go, everybody. We're running late.

Sandwich, sandwich, sandwich.

Carrot, carrot, carrot.

Apple, apple...

Dollar.

The great ones improvise.

Look at this... little bags all lined

up. Very impressive.

Here you go.

Sorry, Dad, but nobody

brown bags in the th grade.

We eat out of the vending machines.

Don't you need something

from the food groups?

We got machines.

Can't argue with that.

I'm outta here.

Not without your little brother,

you're not.

You're supposed to take him

to school today.

Well, I offered, but he said no.

Said he wanted to be independent.

Says he was his own man.

God bless him.

Okay. Well, if that's what he says.

-Have a nice day.

-Alright. I'm out.

Good luck with that girl

you're trying to impress.

What you talking about?

When you wear the old man's cologne, son,

don't bathe in it.

On your way to the bus,

air it out a little.

Thanks.

Morning, Daddy. No time for breakfast.

I'm meeting Miguel.

Well, that's alright,

because you have a very

nutritious lunch right here.

-Don't need it.

-Machines?

Only the dorks eat at the machines.

Okay. Well, here you go.

Whoa. First day of school...

you got all these books?

Seven pairs of shoes.

This outfit goes with all of them.

Come on, T.J. You're running late, babe.

Okay, Dad. What do you think?

No cap?

Or cap?

Bigger head.

Marcus must have borrowed it.

Your brother told me you don't want him

taking you to school today

and I understand that.

You got to make

your own way in this world...

be your own man.

Can I take you?

Does Grandpa drive you to work?

Well, no, but that's

'cause he embarrasses me

when he's cussin' out the other drivers.

Which lunch is mine?

-All of them.

-Cool.

See ya.

Did you get on the wrong bus, little boy?

-I go to school here.

-You're kidding.

-Nope. I just got transferred.

-Me too.

See ya at the prom.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hi. I'm looking for locker .

What are you?

A freshman.

No. I mean, are you, like,

one of those glandular cases?

No. Are you?

The s are over there.

Ooh.

Hi. I've got an offer that'll spare you

a lifetime of back problems.

So, you broke up with Ty?

That must have been

real painful for you, girl.

Yeah, but it was time to move on.

Ah, an empty desk.

Well, look here,

maybe I can sit here and help you

through this very difficult

transitional period.

Hola!

Hey, man, you can't sit here.

Why not?

Because it's my seat.

It's very important to me.

But there are so many other good seats.

You know, I'll bet Dad is really going

to miss you when you're dead and gone.

I know I will.

You know. You're a prisoner

of your own hormones.

Why were you so mean

to that cute little kid?

He's no cute little kid.

That's my brother.

Hey, little man. You come sit next to me.

[class bell rings]

[English accent] Welcome back.

Another quarter for you,

another measly dime

in my threadbare pocket.

I'd like to take this opportunity

to introduce our newest student,

T.J. Henderson.

Why don't you stand up for us, T.J.?

Don't be shy. Stand up.

I am standing up.

Of course you are.

Welcome, T.J.

Alright. This semester we'll be solving

algebraic equations, which are--

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

The little gentlemens' room

is just down the hallway to the left.

I did that before I left the house.

Algebraic equations are

mathematical expressions

where numbers, letters,

and arithmetic operations are used.

Good guess.

This means we'll be working

with algebraic numbers.

-Who knows--

-Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, why not? T.J.

A number that is a root of a polynomial

equation with rational coefficients.

Are you people listening out there?

Your brother is smart.

What's his I.Q.?

Like, , .

Hoo hoo. Is that good?

Let's just say, I found my study buddy.

Oh, man.

Read chapters and .

T.J.

Oh, hi, Miss Williams.

How you doing? Is everything okay?

I know this has got to be tough

for a guidance counselor to hear,

but I'm fine.

You're an amazing young man,

so grown up, so mature.

[laughing out loud]

Sorry.

Well, T.J., understanding the human body

is nothing to laugh about.

Yes, ma'am. It won't happen again.

Thank you.

Now, were was I? Oh, yes. The breasts.

Ha ha ha!

What are you in for?

Involuntary giggling.

I'm not cracking down here.

What are you in for?

Earring?

Which one?

Yow!

Yeah , ha ha ha.

I'm Mr. Henderson. Where's my son?

-He's right over there.

-T.J. You okay?

Absolutely.

They didn't have to call you.

Look, I want them to call me.

That's part of our deal.

You're not involved with these two,

uh... gentlemen,

are you?

Oh, no. We just met.

But I think they like me.

That's real good news, son.

You can go right in. She's expecting you.

Oh, thank you.

Sorry, Miss Williams.

I got here as soon as I leg... could.

Uh... I was just fixing a run.

I'm embarrassed.

It's okay. I couldn't see anything.

Really? 'Cause it was halfway up to--

nothing.

Ah. Please have a seat.

I called you because

there is little awkwardness

in T.J.'s health science class.

What kind of awkwardness?

He couldn't stop laughing

whenever his teacher would say "breasts."

I'm just laughing at the thought

of him laughing.

Maybe you should wait outside?

Him or me?

Him.

It's very important that you know

that you did nothing wrong.

It was a perfect response

for someone your age.

And in a couple of years,

when you hear that word,

you'll just say, "where?"

I apologize.

We'll pull him out of the class.

Maybe I ought to pull him

out of high school altogether.

I mean. This is exactly the sort of thing

I thought would happen if we moved him up.

Fourth grade wasn't working either.

He was bored, restless, acting out.

-He needs to be challenged.

-Look, I know. I know.

I just want to do the right thing by him.

I'm not sure I am.

You are.

No one said it was going to be easy

dealing with a gifted child.

But I believe T.J. can handle this,

so just hang in there.

You'll find that high school

is the exact kind of nurturing

environment he needs.

T.J.?

Make sure you burn the needle

before you stick it through your ear.

Okay, I know, my Father is a doctor.

Hey, T.J., you want to play some b-ball?

Sure.

Oh. But I got homework to do.

I knew high school

would suck the fun out of you.

Eldin, why don't you

go on out and warm up?

He'll be out as soon as he's done.

Alright.

Sucking the fun right out of you.

Hey, I'll see y'all later.

I'm hooking up with Mariah.

Hold up. You do your homework?

-Uh...

-Ehh! Too long.

But I don't have any homework.

If he got homework, you got homework.

Aw, man!

Thanks a lot. You got me busted.

Yeah, you dead.

Well, I guess now wouldn't be a good time

to tell you I've got a study date

with Mariah tonight.

What?

Man, if you wore a chain,

you couldn't make it easier to yank.

Watch it, boy. I know where you sleep.

-Come on, man, get to work.

-I'm working.

-I'm done.

-What?

-You're kidding?

-No.

Although number

gave me a little trouble.

Here. You're supposed

to check it and sign it.

See ya.

[door closes]

Looks okay to me.

Yeah. Me too.

Okay. Done.

That's my man.

Now you can do it all over again...

without copying your brother's work.

Come on, Dad.

I ought to get something good

out of being in the same school.

Problem, son?

Yeah. He's a problem.

T.J. is in of my classes

and he keeps showing me up.

And he got this cute thing

going with the girls.

"Excuse me, which way to the library?"

I mean, when did that

become a pickup line?

Maybe you should try it,

because you sure don't know

where the library is.

-Shut up.

-You shut up.

Hey. We don't say

"shut up" in this family.

-But, Dad--

-Shu--hush up.

Now, look, I know it's not easy,

but you're the older brother.

So until T.J. gets comfortable,

you just got to look out for him.

Besides, Marcus, he looks up to you.

He looks up to everybody.

It's not that bad.

He's not in all your classes.

He's not in Driver's Ed.

He's not on the basketball team with you.

So, ease up on him, man.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess you're right.

I mean, I still got basketball.

'Cause, see, brains don't cut it

on the basketball court.

That's where I'm king.

Shut up.

Alright. Let's break it up.

Let's get started over here. Oh, hey.

Congratulations, Marcus.

For what?

Your little brother, he made the team.

What? Aw, come on, man,

my brother's feet tall.

He couldn't even dunk it

in a laundry basket.

How could he make the team?

Hey, Marcus.

I'm Pugnacious Pete,

the powerful Piedmont Penguin.

-T.J.!

-T.J.!

-You look so cute!

-Oh, T.J.!

Oh, it's you.

Well, I know you can slam,

but can you dunk?

This is it.

This is the worst day of my life.

No, it ain't.

Wait til you start losing your hair.

I'm not laughing.

Alright. You want to tell me

what happened?

Yeah. T.J. is on the basketball team.

He's now Pugnacious Pete,

the powerful Piedmont Penguin.

Perfect.

Look, either T.J. goes to another school,

like someplace in the Arctic, or I do.

Now wait just a second here.

What happened to helping him adjust?

Helping him adjust?

We've been helping

the little genius adjust

ever since he popped out of Mom

and cut his own umbilical cord.

Hey now, that's enough, Marcus.

Look, it's not fair.

I mean, you said so yourself.

The only thing I had of my own

was the basketball court

and now I don't even have that.

Look, I'm sorry, son.

I didn't know how hard

this was going to be on you.

But eventually T.J.'s going

to find a place of his own

and everything's going

to get back to normal.

It'll never be normal.

Do you realize he's not normal?

Nobody thinks he's normal.

He's just one smart

little pain in the butt

and he's ruining my life.

Hey, Marcus, isn't this great?

We're on the same team together.

We get to ride the bus together.

I'm overjoyed.

And, you know, I didn't get this job

just because I'm short.

I got it because I can also

sound like a penguin.

Eek! [screaming]

Well, better get back to my girls.

Go! Go, Penguins!

Red, black, and white!

Go! Go, Penguins!

Let's win this game tonight!

Go!

Whoo!

Good job, girls.

Excellent waddle, T.J.

Oh, and T.J.,

if you block me one more time,

I'll be forced to kick

your feathered, little butt

all the way up to the North Pole.

Actually, we're from the South Pole.

You leave my little brother's

feathered butt alone

or you'll have nothing to cheer about.

[giggles]

How you doin'?

Can I carry those for you?

-Thanks.

-They are awfully heavy.

Well, you know, from a distance,

they look pretty dense.

But I guess that was just me.

Can I walk you home?

Hey, Mariah. You need a ride?

Oh, wow. Two offers.

Well, Marcus did ask first.

But you asked yesterday

and I couldn't make it.

I don't know.

You guys work it out.

I have to go practice my splits.

I'm going to just pretend that

you didn't know

that me and Mariah had

something going here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I could just feel the love.

Stay away from my girl.

Come on, bro, can't you say

anything more original than that?

How about this?

Oh!

Oh, yeah. That's different.

Stay away from my girl.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Let my brother go!

It's Okay, T.J. I got it under control.

Let him go!

Or lose a nostril.

You're in here more than we are.

We're next.

Don't talk to me, man.

-But I was--

-Just--

Where are my--

Well, this is good.

First, I had one kid on the bench.

Now I got two.

I'm guessing the only reason

Yvette isn't here

is 'cause there's a % sale

on shoes somewhere.

Hi. Thought I heard your voice.

Look, I know you have a game to get to,

so I want to see you in my office

first thing tomorrow morning.

Cool!

I mean that from a counseling

point of view.

If you're heading over to the game,

why don't we walk together and talk?

Sure.

And then we'll talk.

One of us, no doubt, in a very loud voice.

-We're in trouble.

-I'm outta here.

But I was just trying to help.

Oh, for real? Well, this is what I know.

You don't belong here.

You see this, all this?

This is my world, not yours.

And if you really want to help,

this is what you can do...

disappear.

That would help.

What does that spell?

-Penguins!

-Penguins!

-You feeling better?

-Yeah, a little.

Look, I still got to talk to the boys,

but you're probably right.

I got to give them a chance to

work out their problems on their own.

It's been my experience that working out

conflicts with your siblings

is the best practice

for working out conflicts as an adult.

Yeah, I guess so.

So you real close with your siblings?

Yeah, right. The human leech

and Mr. Judgmental. Please.

Anyway, I think, for right now,

I'm just going to kick back, relax,

try to enjoy this basketball game

and just have faith

that everything's going to be fine.

Dad!

T.J.'s under the bleachers

and he's very upset and he won't come out.

You got to do something.

Hey, man.

What you doing in there?

Nothing.

Look like you hatching an egg.

No.

You're supposed to be out

front doing your...

Go, penguins.

Go, Penguins.

Go, Penguins.

I'm not doing it.

Why not?

I'm a joke.

Everyone looks at me

like I'm some sort of freak.

No, they don't.

Hey! Where's the penguin boy?

He'll be up in a minute.

See? They love you.

No, they don't.

Marcus was right.

I didn't belong in elementary school,

and I don't belong here.

I understand.

But you know what?

Sometime or another,

everybody feels like the odd man out.

When's the last time you were the odd man?

Two weeks ago when I took your sister

to that Mother/Daughter makeover at Saks.

Not to mention every night when

I'm trying to correct your homework,

and I can't.

Now, you don't think

that makes me feel a little weird?

So next time you're feeling

like the only oddball,

just check it out.

We're all misfits, T.J.

It's just that your misfit's

a little more obvious than others.

Hey, T.J.

Hey, coach says you got

to get up here, man,

so we can rub your head for luck

before we run out.

I'm not doing it.

I'm disappearing like you wanted.

-Dad. Can you uh--

-Oh, hey, look.

Hey, look, man,

I didn't mean to make you cry.

I didn't cry.

Whatever.

I was just mad.

I mean, you were always real smart,

but at least I had grades on you.

Now I don't.

So, just give me a minute

to get used to it, okay?

Okay.

And I'll try to be more sensitive

to the fact that you're dumber than me.

That's all I ask.

[Floyd] Okay.

So, we got a basketball game to play.

So, what do you say?

Go Penguins!

Where's my head?

You handled that real well, son.

I say you're pretty smart.

You're pretty smart too, Dad.

Ow!

Sometimes it pays to be a penguin...

and not a giraffe.

seconds left.

You know they're going to go to number .

We haven't stopped him the whole game.

Excuse me.

Watch the beak, bro.

I know how to stop number .

Not now, not now.

Hey, you better listen to him, coach.

He's a genius with this stuff.

I've been tracking the guy, coach.

% of the time,

he gets the ball at the top of the key,

drives right, crosses over,

then he goes to his left.

Is that right?

I don't know.

It's right. Just let him get

the ball at the top of the key

and when he crosses over,

Marcus steals the ball.

-[whistle]

-Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do it.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.