01x05 - Lab Rats

[bunniefuu]

Okay, here we go, quarterly books.

Alright, I've got my ledger,

I got the bank book, I got my pencils.

Where's my calculator?

-Hi, Dad.

-There he is.

Okay, now, we need to compare

profit from the business

against household expenses.

So, if you will just add

these six columns of figures...

, . .

...together.

Are you sure?

Dad, it's addition.

Uh-oh.

Why uh-oh?

Because that number is bigger

than this number.

And this number's what we got.

Man, looks like we're going to have to buy

that economy-size warehouse

club ketchup again.

Oh, man. That thing's so big.

I can't even pick it up.

It's one of the rules of life, son.

When your belt gets tighter,

your ketchup gets bigger.

-Daddy.

-Uh-huh?

I need a new winter coat.

That's fine. As long as you're

not too particular

about which winter you get it in.

But I need it right now.

May I direct your attention

to what we euphemistically call "The Red."

Whoa!

Now, Dad, it's not often

that I ask you for something.

It was just this morning.

Look, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking I'm about to hit you up

for something stupid like a coat.

No, that's not it.

See, this is far more basic,

an essential human need.

That's right, a motorcycle.

Mm-hmm.

You think I'm going to let

you get a motorcycle?

You've got a rich fantasy life.

Before you say no--

I think he just did.

Let me show you a picture

of another -year-old...

shall we call him young Floyd?

Sitting proudly astride

his new motorcycle.

And I'll tell you one thing, Pop.

When I get mine,

I'll wear the same big, black helmet,

just like you did.

That was my hair.

And looking good too.

Look, Pop, how are you going to deny

me something that you had at my age?

And plus, it's at an unbelievable price.

This guy at school is selling

this thing for $ , .

Look, Marcus, I'm sorry,

but our disposable income

has already been disposed of.

But it's red and it's fine

and I really want it.

Well, I really want to go

to my th high school reunion

that's back in Oakland

where all my friends are

that I haven't seen in years,

but it doesn't look like

I'm going to get to do that either.

Okay, fine. Just put a great big hole

in the middle of my life.

You can put ketchup in it

'cause you know we're going

to have a lot of that.

Okay, Marcus, look, you want

to get a motorcycle?

Fine, you can.

But you're going to have to get a job

and pay for it yourself.

A job?

Oh, Pop, you know, I wouldn't want

anything to get in the way of my studies.

That's a good one, Marcus. Your "studies."

[whistle blows]

♪ Another slice of the life

Of Master T.J. Henderson ♪

♪ Super intelligent,

A fine young gentleman ♪

♪ A -year-old whiz kid

Bustin' high school ♪

♪A pugnacious little shorty

With a thousand IQ ♪

♪ He's got a way with the ladies

And he's keepin' it real ♪

♪ Your favorite little study buddy

He knows the deal ♪

♪ That he's still just a kid

On the ball, very clever ♪

♪ You can say that he's bright

brainy, gifted, whatever ♪

♪ Your brother is smart ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪



[man on TV] The category is Government

and the question.

"During which president's administration

did the U.S. National Debt

first top $ trillion?"

Is it Eisenhower?

Ronald Wilson Reagan.

I'm sorry. Ronald Reagan.

And I think I know exactly how he felt.

Craig, you are tripping, bro.

Okay 'cause that bike is as good as sold.

But you got better

than money in your pocket.

You've got my personal I.O.U.

Yeah, there's only about a million

of those floating around.

Just sit tight, okay? Just make sure you

don't sell that bike to anybody else.

I almost got the money.

I have got to find a way to turn

$ into a motorcycle.

I suggest you put a ruby in your navel

and give it one of these...

You're not helping.

I don't know how many times

I have to say this.

I mean goodness, guys, how many

times do I have to tell you

to unlock the door on my side

when you leave the bathroom?

And pick up your towels.

You guys are pigs.

Eww, you're one to talk. You stink.

That, little man, is the smell

of an honest day's work.

You got a job?

I have a pre-executive position,

removing the bi-products from poultry

at the Cluck Bucket Family Restaurant.

You're yanking the gushy

stuff out of chickens?

And making $ a week, my friend.

Who stinks now?

It's still you.

Okay, okay, I'm soaking.

Hey, Marcus, how would you feel

about letting Yvette cut your hair?

Are you kidding?

I'm just thinking it's

a savings of $ a month.

What are you doing over there, anyway?

I'm going through Dad's books

trying to find a way we can economize.

We're alright.

But Yvette can't get

the coat that she needs,

and Dad can't go to the reunion

that he was looking forward to

and you can't get your motorcycle

that could k*ll or cr*pple you.

I just feel so bad.

Well, there's nothing that

you can do about it, okay?

I can't help it. I worry.

Okay, well, look, just do what

I do every now and then.

Turn your brain off for a while

'cause this...

is something your brain can't fix.

[man on TV] Congratulations, Penelope.

We'll be seeing you tomorrow.

But don't forget next week,

it's our Annual Knowledge College

Junior Tournament

for contestants under years of age.

So, if you're a youngster

living in the D.C. area

and you'd like a chance

to win up to $ , ,

that's right, big ones--

here's the number to call

for your audition.

Pencil, pencil, pencil, where's my pencil?

I don't need a pencil...

I have a photographic memory.

Remember, don't say anything about money.

I want that to be a surprise.

Whatever you say.

Just as long as I get my motorcycle.

Now, I know Dad

and he's going to ask some questions.

That's right, so here's what I suggest.

Please. I believe I know how to do this.

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

You would have been so proud of me.

Marcus took me downtown

and I tried out to be on

Knowledge College.

Excuse me?

It's a game show for brainiacs.

Look, I know the show.

Baywatch has commercials.

I flip around.

They're having a junior tournament.

I tried out and I'm on it.

So you just went off by yourself--

But let me tell you, Pop,

you would have been so proud of your boy.

Whoo! You know, when that

game show lady asked,

"What is the largest city in Turkey?"

This boy said...

Istanbul...

formally Constantinople,

but which the Romans call Byzantium.

And the only major city

that sits on two continents.

He did that all day.

So, the lady finally says,

"Hey, you're on the show.

In fact, we'll shorten the

podium and you can host."

So, when is this thing going to be on?

They're sh**ting the show on Thursday.

Here's the permission form.

Well, I got to go upstairs and study.

There's only two more days left. See you.

My son's going to be on TV.

T.J., you are the buzz

of the entire school.

Huh?

Do you realize how excited everybody is

about seeing you on television?

Everybody?

Yeah. I heard, like, or kids

are going down to the studio

to watch you win.

How did all these people find out?

I haven't told anyone but you and--

Yeah, so, you know, my little brother's

going to be on Knowledge College.

Now if you want,

I can get you preferred

seats for the taping.

You mean, like, V.I.P.?

Oh, honey, better than V.I.P.

I can get you R.N.T.M.

What's that?

Right next to Marcus.

I believe we've found the leak.

Oh, Marcus.

Oh, here he is, everybody,

the quiz kid, right here.

Now don't forget, y'all,

tomorrow, : , WDCS-TV, alright?

Stop that! I'm going on the game

show to win money for Dad.

I don't need any more pressure.

Craig, what's up there, home slice?

Look, I'm going to introduce

you to my brother.

He's going to be the one that's going

to win me the money to buy your bike.

Oh, is that so?

In fact, what do you say

we raise the price to $ ,

and you give me those keys right now.

Is that okay there, T.J?

Oh, sure. What the hey!

Well, suppose wonder kid here loses?

How do I get my money?

Your money?

Tell the man a little

something about money.

Break him off, T.J.

You mean dollars, Pounds, Yen,

the Brazilian Cruzeiro,

the Polish Zloty?

The Escudo, the Quetzal,

the Paraguayan Guarani?

You can pay me next week.

Thank you.

Alright, I'm mobile.

I'll see you later there, champ.

I got to get to work.

You need a ride to the Cluck Bucket

or is the colonel picking you up?

I never should have pulled you

out of the pool that time.

T.J.!

Hi, Marcus, how are you?

I'm fine. Do you know coffee

really perks you up?

It's three in the morning, man.

What are you doing up?

I'm going on Knowledge

College in six hours

and I have four more volumes of

Encyclopedia and all of Dickens to read.

But I can do it because I have

my trusty study buddy,

coffee, coffee, coffee.

Man, you should not

be drinking this stuff.

Especially on an empty stomach.

I know that. I'm a genius.

I'm a perky genius

so I've coated my stomach

with lots of chocolate.

Look, man, you got to put this stuff away

and get some sleep, okay?

Sleep? I can't sleep. I have to win.

Everybody's depending on me.

Let's see, there's Dad

and you and Yvette and kids at school.

And I can name them all.

Let's see, there's Betty.

There's older Betty.

There's Betty with a "y."

There's Apple Brown Betty.

Boy, that'd be good with a cup of joe,

which is another name for coffee.

Coffee, coffee, coffee.

Good night, everybody. Drive safely.



Wow!

Looked bigger on TV.

Dad, did you know there are nails

in this wall alone?

? That was the year

that Visigoth sacked Rome,

which wasn't built in a day.

Slow down, slow down, little man.

The game hasn't even started yet.

You don't want to peak too soon.

Too soon, monsoon,

monsignor, Montserrat...

lots of things that start with "m."

Meerkats, aren't they cute?

[growls]

Hey, settle down, man.

You got a serious case

of the nerves going here.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Baby, that felt good.

Hi, Marcus. I'm just going

to go jog around the set

while I mentally review the wives

of the vice presidents.

Sorry I'm late.

I was chaining my hog to a dumpster.

Your hog?

Craig's hog. His bike. Yeah, yeah.

He's letting me test drive it

'cause, see, I'm no fool.

See, I'm not buying nothing

without testing it thoroughly, you know?

And, uh, I would consider buying it

if I got the money, somehow.

Excuse me for a minute, Pop.

I'm just going to wish the little

roadrunner good luck.

Are you cool, man? Did you get any sleep?

Sleep? Sleep is for losers.

George Armstrong Custer...

napped incessantly.

Big loser!

Little Big Horn, ?

Arrow right through the head.

Hey, T.J., come on, I think they

want us over here.

[cheering] T.J., T.J., he's our man.

If he can't do it, no one can.

Yay, T.J.!

Hi, Travis Bickelhoff.

That's your little rooting section?

Yeah, that's my class.

I brought my class to

the first game show I did.

It was awful.

They cheer when you get one right

but when you miss,

that silence cuts through you like

a serrated Kn*fe.

Good luck. Just don't get one wrong.

Don't let him get to you.

Travis always tries his "oh,

so subtle" psyche out number.

I don't do that.

I go for the throat.

You're toast, new boy.

I live on the buzzer.

Nice meeting you, too.

Well, here are our junior geniuses.

Amy, Travis and T.J.

Actually, I'm T.J.

Two T. J.'s on the same show.

What are the odds?

[chuckles]

What a maroon.

You know, Travis wrote his first sonata

at the age of seven.

Amy was a published author at six.

T.J. actually has a life.

[bell rings]

[announcer] There's the school bell.

That means it's time for another semester

of Knowledge College.

And here's the Dean of Knowledge College,

Hugh Sterling!

Thank you, Dennis,

and welcome to our Annual

Junior edition of Knowledge College.

Because I believe the

children are our future.

So let's meet the future right now.

She is a ten year old college freshman

who has just published her

autobiography entitled,

Amy: My Incredible Life So Far.

Meet Amy Fitzgibbons.

Our second contestant is taking time away

from rehearsal with the national symphony,

which next week premieres

his original composition,

Sonata for Woodwinds and a Genius.

Here is Travis Bickelhoff IV.

And our last contestant

is a tenth grader here in the D.C. area.

His interests include all sports,

especially ice hockey, football

and just sh**ting hoops with friends.

No sonatas there.

Please welcome T.J. Henderson.

-T.J.!

-Get it, boy!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just a little dizzy.

[beep]

You might want to wait for the first

question there, partner.

Just testing.

Alright. Well now that we have

met our fine, young contestants,

let's have a look at the course selections

for the first semester of...

[all] Knowledge College.

Alright. You will be choosing from...

"Little Known Authors,

Landlocked Countries,

What's Cooking, American History

or On Four Legs!"

Travis, you won the toss, you will select.

I'll take Landlocked Countries for .

Alright, for $ ...

"What landlocked nation boasts Ulan Bator

as its capital?"

-[beep]

-T.J.

Mongolia. The answer's Mongolia.

Correct. And T.J. takes an early lead.

Ka-ching.

I guess when he was writing that sonata,

Mongolia didn't come up much, huh?

Amy, you seem to like this category,

alright, for $ .

"Who wrote the epic

Le Mort D'Arthur in ?"

-[beep]

-Amy.

Sir Thomas Mallory, Hugh?

That is correct. Amy, you seem

to be on quite a roll.

Looks like we have

ourselves quite a horse race.

Except you've got the broken leg

and they're loading the shotgun.

Sorry, I'm late. Listen, Marcus,

I was parking out back and--

Shh! Shh!

Okay.

"Which landlocked South American nation

has the Guarani as its currency?"

-[beep]

-T.J.

It's--

Uh--

Come on. Come on!

That place down there with the money

and the parrots and the big, wet trees.

Uh--

It's the Paraguayan Guarani.

-[buzzer]

-I'm sorry, T.J.,

we were looking for Paraguay.

And with that,

we're going to take a quick semester break

and hear a few words from our sponsor.

How'd you know that?

Oh, he said that to Craig yesterday.

Oh, speaking of Craig,

I just saw a garbage truck hauling a

dumpster down the street...

with your new bike dragging behind it.

My bike! That thing cost me $ , .

Costs? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I thought you said this was

just a test drive.

No, I bought it.

With what? Guarani?



T.J. said he was going to give me

some of his prize money,

which he's not winning right now

because he's too hopped up

on coffee and candy

to remember any of the answers.

And I just told you

way too much, didn't I?

I'll go get some chalk

for your body outline.

You put your little brother on this show

to get you money so

you could buy a motorbike?

Well, it was his idea.

He wanted to send you to your reunion

and he wanted to get Yvette her new coat,

so I just had to let him

get something for me too.

And he wanted it all to be

a surprise, you know?

So, ta-da!

I'm going to go have a talk

with our young contestant.

And you, you stay right here

and brace yourself for when I get back.

Hey! How you holding up, little man?

Tiptop, Dad. A- , never better.

Marcus told me everything.

Oh, my head.

How much coffee did you drink?

Oh, I feel like that n*zi on Indiana Jones

right before his head melted.

Well, that's too much.

Uh-oh. Oh, room spin.

Come on. Let's get you home, alright?

No! We can't leave.

If I don't win all the money,

we won't be able to pay our bills.

And then they're going

to take our furniture

and we're going to have

to live in that castle

on the miniature golf course.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.

What makes you think

we can't pay our bills?

'Cause you can't buy Yvette's coat

and the books don't balance

and we have to buy big ketchup.

T.J., nobody has all the money they need

to get everything they want all the time.

But we're doing fine.

Really? Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

And I don't want you making yourself

a nervous wreck over stuff like that.

That's my job.

You're ten. Your job

is to run around the house

in your underwear and a Batman cape.

I just wanted you to be able

to go on your trip.

I wanted the whole family to be okay.

We are okay. Really.

So the pressure's off?

The pressure's off.

Oh, look, a bed in the air.

Daddy, can we go home now?

The answer is yes.

Uh, excuse me, sir,

where do you think you're taking

our contestant?

Have a heart, man. He's exhausted.

Television doesn't have a heart, sir.

It has contracts

and you signed our big one.

Well, he's asleep now, so what

do you want me to do?

And what do you want me to do

without a junior contestant

for the second half of our show?

"How much did President Jefferson pay

for the Louisiana purchase?"

T.J.

Well, uh, let's see, in D.C.,

the most that you can take

out of the ATM is $ .

And you will want to hold back a

in case something come up,

so I'm going to say $ , Hugh.

This chicken's not half bad.

Sure you don't want some?

No, thanks, I work here.

Besides, I wouldn't want

to get any grease on my hands...

when I'm putting on my new coat.

You know, I'm really proud of you.

You got yourself a job

and you made your own money.

Thank you.

You know, I'm proud of Marcus too.

'Cause after I yelled at him,

he came up with his own

plan to pay Craig back.

[dish breaks]

Hey, Mop Jockey,

chicken spill under table four.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.