01x06 - A Little Knowledge

[bunniefuu]

The prom is in four days

and we still don't have a theme.

How about an ECO theme?

"A Salute to Recycling."

You need to recycle that idea.

Come on! This is the prom!

Pick something big!

Global warming isn't big to you?

It's big. It's hot,

but it just doesn't say...

"Party over here!"

You want something splashy like Star Wars .

Ooh! Ooh!

We could turn the gym

into the Death Star and sh**t lasers!

Ving! Ving! Ving! Ving!

[clears throat]

Excuse me.

This is our budget.

Save a tree.

Mm-hmm.

We have got to find dates

for this here dance.

You mean you've got to find

yourself a date for this dance,

'cause I got one.

Does she have a pulse?

Ah ha ha ha.

Morris, I got a car for the dance

and I'll be picking you up

around : , alright?

Alright.

This is Shirley.

You're going out with Mo?

I'll have you know

that Morris Tibbs is a sensitive soul.

Did you know that he writes poetry?

You should have heard the poem

that he wrote to me

when I turned him down the fourth time.

It was so moving.

Go ahead, Mo. Recite it.

Oh, no, no, no, not right now. I couldn't.

Yes, you could, bro.

Come on, recite. Let me hear that soul.

Bring it up.

Okay.

I've got sunshine

on a cloudy day.

When it's cold outside,

I've got the month of May.

I guess you say,

"what makes me feel this way?"

My Shirl.

My Shirl.

My Shirl.

Talkin' 'bout...

My Shirl.

My Shirl.

I'm sorry. I just can't go on.

Give me a minute.

Oh, it's okay, sweetheart.

You don't ever have to be afraid

to cry in front of me.

Fool! Now you know that is not your poem.

That's some old Temptations song.

No, no, no, no.

See? They say, "My girl."

I switched it around to say,

"My Shirl." That makes it mine.

[whistle blows]

♪ Another slice of the life

Of Master T.J. Henderson ♪

♪ Super intelligent,

A fine young gentleman ♪

♪ A -year-old whiz kid

Bustin' high school ♪

♪ A pugnacious little shorty

With a thousand IQ ♪

♪ He's got a way with the ladies

And he's keepin' it real ♪

♪ Your favorite little study buddy

He knows the deal ♪

♪ That he's still just a kid

On the ball, very clever ♪

♪ You can say that he's bright

brainy, gifted, whatever ♪

♪ Your brother is smart ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

I did it! I did it! I did it, y'all.

I got a date with the ever lovely

Mariah Williams.

-Well, alright.

-Thank you, sir, thank you.

I thought Mariah only dated

really cute guys.

Yeah, sister. Well, not this time.

[laughing]

Good one. [chuckles]

What are you laughing at, okay?

This is big time, bub.

Prom time.

I don't see what the big deal is.

It's just a stupid dance,

bunch of hormonal cases trying

to look cool while doing this.

[singing dub music]

So I guess you won't be going.

I wouldn't be caught dead

at that stupid dance.

-Mm-hmm.

-I've got better things to do.

It's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel .

I heard that.

Wow.

Yeah. Those sharks will mess you up, girl.

Hey, and if you noticed, Pop,

you never seen none of the brothers

going down in them shark cages.

But we don't mind lowering them down

though, do we?

No, man.

Dad, I'm talking about T.J. and the dance.

He's telling you he's dying to go.

Am I losing my hearing

or didn't I just hear him say

he wouldn't be caught dead there?

-It's called denial.

-Hmm.

I was reading about it

in Psychology Today .

Oh, man, here it comes.

No, no, no, no.

Now, in this house,

we listen to everybody's opinions.

T.J. really wants to go to the dance,

but he's afraid of it.

"Will I fit in? Will I look foolish?"

To avoid confronting these issues,

he devalues the dance.

Denial.

See, I publish another little journal

called Floyd Speaks .

See, and this month Floyd says,

"A -year-old does not belong

at a high school dance."

A -year-old doesn't belong

in high school, but he's there

and you know how much he wants

to be included in everything that goes on.

-No, he doesn't.

-Yes, he does.

But a dance, it just doesn't seem--

Dad, you should have heard him today

trying to come up with ideas for the prom.

He kept talking about

how important it was,

how memorable it had to be.

Alright, alright. So, let's say perhaps

you stumbled onto T.J.'s real feelings

and maybe he really wants to go.

Now, who's he gonna go with?

Nobody, okay?

No self-respecting -year-old

would go with him.

Case closed.

Why do you feel so strongly about this?

Because I know that if that boy

goes to that dance,

I'm gonna be the one

that's stuck watching him

'cause he'd be there alone

and wouldn't that be even

more destructive, psychologically?

Oh, boy.

Now, Reverend, this is my house.

This is the roof over my head.

Now, what do you see on my roof?

Two frisbees and what looks

like an illegal cable hookup.

Oh, you got one of those too, huh?

I'm talking about the slate.

Now, if you look up there, Reverend,

you'll see the slate

and I'm gonna tell you one thing,

right now it's gonna cost you

a little bit more,

but in years, that's something that you

and the church can all be proud of.

Pride go-eth before destruction.

Yeah, but a wet congregation go-eth

before the collection plate comes around.

Ha ha ha.

So, look, why don't I bring

by some samples tonight?

That way you and I can show the Deacons

why it doesn't take a wise man

to know that slate's the divine choice.

-Okay, then?

-Not tonight.

I promised to spend the night

with my daughter, Lillie.

She's just and I'm afraid

she's feeling a little bit alone.

I understand. It's a tough age.

Now, my son is also,

only he's in high school.

Oh, yeah. The gifted child.

Yeah. Actually, he's in kind

of an awkward situation.

Well, he's got this big dance going

on at the high school

and he might actually want to go,

but he doesn't have anybody

his own age to go with.

My daughter, Lillie, loves dances.

You know, T.J.,

I've been giving some thought

to you and this dance.

Mm-hmm.

And I was thinking maybe you'd like to go

if you had somebody to go with.

But I don't have anybody to go with.

But what if you did?

I mean, I'd like you to go to this dance

if that's what you want to do,

this being such a memorable

high school event and all.

So, you think I should go?

Only if that's what you really want.

Well, I guess...

I could do it if I had a date,

but I don't.

But you do.

I do?

Yeah. Her name's Lillie.

She's years old, just like you.

A girl?

Hey, don't worry. I checked her out.

She's real cute

and her Father likes your picture too.

Her Father?

The Reverend.

There's already a minister?

Look, relax, you're not

marching down the aisle.

You're just going to a dance.

So I'll let the Reverend know.

Sure.

What the hey.

What up, Pop?

-Alright.

-Alright. [chuckles]

T.J., great news, bro.

Now, Yvette, she explained to me

about your little psychology

and the denial

and how you never get to do things

when you're supposed to do them,

so I fixed it for you.

Fixed what?

I got you a date for the prom.

Another one?

What do you mean?

Dad just got me a date.

Without even asking you?

That's kind of pushy, ain't it?

Yeah. Some people are so insensitive.

I know. So dump Dad's chick

and go out with mine, okay?

Why yours?

Well, out of nowhere,

Mariah's parents decided to go

to some stupid Marriage Encounter weekend,

so Mariah's stuck watching

her little sister, Andrea.

So the only way I can take Mariah

to the dance is if you take Andrea.

I can't go.

Please,T.J.

Brother, if you go to this,

I will never ask you

for anything else again.

Yes, you will.

That's my boy.

Now, look, man,

we'll drive down there together.

It will be fun, okay?

But first what I want you to do,

I want you to go downstairs

and explain to Dad

that you'd have a lot more fun going

out with my date

than whatever loser he got for you.

And trust me, boy, she's a loser, okay?

So, let's go. Go ahead there, boy.

Ha ha!

Sure you're right. Ahem.

Reverend, it looks like we've got a date

'cause I just talked to T.J.

and he's just thrilled about it.

Uh, Dad--

You want to go with the slate roof,

top of the line?

Hallelujah!

I mean, uh, it's been a pleasure

doing business with you, Reverend.

We'll get back to you real soon, okay?

Thanks a lot.

Ow! Mmm!

I'm going down to the yard right now

to lock up tons of slate.

That's a big order.

That's very big, son. It's for the church.

Was there something that you wanted?

Oh, no.

Congratulations. I'll see you later.

Thanks, little man.

Oh, boy.

Hey, little man.

Aw, are you still down in the dumps

about the dance?

Deeply.

I'm here to pull you out.

I have the most wonderful news.

I got you a date.

You've got three dates?

I said dump one, not add one.

I couldn't dump Dad's.

He's got a roof riding on it

and if I try to dump Yvette's,

she'll tell Dad

and he'll say dump her date and your date,

which means you won't go

to the dance, but I will.

I can't date three women!

Now, don't say "can't," T.J., okay?

Trust me. Anything is possible.

How?

Well, we may need to bring

in a specialist,

someone unhampered by moral character.

Someone whose imagination is not bound

by ethical considerations.

Someone who's not afraid to walk

on the dark side.

You've got to realize that

in a situation like this,

there is no right or wrong.

There is only survival

and that's where I come in.

Now the key to this plan,

like the key to everything in life,

is timing and bald-face lying.

Daddy says you should never lie.

Your Dad doesn't have three dates,

does he, son?

Listen to Mo and you won't get hurt.

Boy, that's got to be the first time

that was ever said.

Now, at precisely : ,

you and your Daddy arrive

at Reverend Simms' house "A"

to pick up girl one.

Now, at this time, you might want

to quietly ask God's forgiveness

for what you're about to do.

Oh, man.

Now, you have a three minute window

for photos and small talk.

You arrive at the school at : sharp.

Now, you have exactly enough time

for two dances and one glass of punch,

because at precisely : p.m.,

you're gonna announce

that you're feeling sick

and, trust me, by that time, you will be.

Scratchy throat, watery eyes...

it's allergy season.

Now, since I'm already at the dance,

I graciously offer to drive you

and girl one back to house "A."

We then move directly to pick up girl two,

Tanya, at house "B."

I thought Yvette was gonna take Tanya

and me to the dance.

Listen closely, son,

or good men are going to die!

Now, we already checked this out.

Yvette's on the dance committee, right?

So she has to go there early.

Now, she's thrilled that Mo and I

have volunteered to give you a ride.

Oh, good thinking.

Please.

Then it's back to the high school

for two dances

and one glass of punch when, suddenly--

I get sick again?

And again, I'm there for you.

Back we go again with

girl two to house "B."

We then move directly

to Mariah's house, "C,"

where you and Marcus, him,

pick up your two, and final, beautiful

dates and whisk them back to the dance.

Are there any questions?

Yeah.

I'm not gonna have to kiss any

of these girls goodnight, am I?

Suck it up, son.

Come on, T.J., get a move on.

You too, Pop, let's go.

What is your hurry, slick?

The dance doesn't start

for a half an hour.

And everybody knows the cool people

don't get there til : .

T.J.'s bedtime is at : , Pop.

How cool can he be?

Come on, boy!

I'm coming.

There's, like, parts to this outfit.

Oh, look at him. Isn't he cute?

Yeah, he's cute. He's adorable.

We could eat him with a spoon.

Now, let's get you two out of here.

What is your problem?

I just don't want the little tike

to miss his first prom.

Come on. He's got a cute little girl

waiting for him.

Uh-uh. The Reverend's gonna

bring her by here.

-What?

-Yeah.

He said he's got a sick parishioner

in the area, so he's gonna drop her off.

I left the film upstairs.

You stay cute.

Okay.

We're not even out the door

and already your idiotic plan

is unraveling.

No, no. This works for us, okay?

Now we don't have to drive to her house.

We pick up ten minutes.

[doorbell rings]

See? There's the Reverend

with little Lillie now.

Everything is going our way.

You need to relax, brother.

It's Mariah and Andrea.

We're dead.

Cool it. I got an idea.

Mariah, girl, how you doing?

I'm sorry, baby.

You know, my fly was down.

Come on in.

So, uh, what are you two doing here?

Well, Andrea was a little nervous

about going.

Is that him?

Hi.

Hi.

I told you I should have worn flats.

So I thought I'd leave her here

so they could spend some time

and get comfortable,

maybe play a little.

[doorbell rings]

Yeah. Good idea.

How about Hide and Seek?

Yeah, I'll show you

all the good hiding spots.

They're all this way.

Come on, honey. Let's move it.

Aren't you gonna answer the door?

No!

Oh, it's those pushy Girl Scouts again.

Come on. We'll get you out the front door.

They're vicious.

[ring]

Hey, don't nobody hear

the doorbell around here?

Hello, Floyd.

Oh, hey, Reverend.

Aw, you must be Lillie.

Don't you look adorable?

Thank you, Mr. Henderson.

Come on in. I'll see where everybody is.

Hey, fellas!

Boys!

Yeah, dad?

Yeah, Dad?

Very obedient children.

Hi T.J., it's nice to meet you.

Back at ya.

My Daddy was right. You're very cute.

Yeah. Right. You're a doll too.

Hey, Marcus, can you fix my tie?

Over here.

What's up?

Where's Andrea?

I got her hiding in the treehouse.

That won't work.

I locked the little door.

Oh, good. Kidnapping.

Listen, I gotta be running along.

You two have a good time

and don't keep my little girl out

too late.

Don't worry, sir.

She'll be home before you know it.

Alright, Reverend.

Alright, let me get a picture

of the two of you together.

Good idea.

Let's get you two kids together.

No time to count to three. Let's go.

There must be something wrong

with the flash.

It must be the batteries.

Well, hey, we can pick up some

new ones on the way to the dance.

No. I'll stop across the street

at the Kingsleys and borrow some.

That way, while I'm over there,

I can say "Hi" to my snow blower.

Hey, guys.

Man, what are you doing here?

I just came to hang with my homies.

You're supposed to be at the dance.

That was tonight?

I need to use your telephone.

I need to call Tuxedo Hut.

They got a drive through.

So is everything still going our way?

Are we still picking up time?

Shh! I'm trying to think, okay?

I'm not feeling very safe here.

Why is everyone so jumpy?

Jumpy? What makes you say that?

Oh, T.J.?

Ohh!

Uh, look, T.J., uh, why don't you show

Lillie your computer upstairs, okay?

-Want to see my computer?

-Not really.

Good!

Hey, Marcus.

Yvette, what are you doing here?

I thought you were setting up the prom.

I got Tina to cover for me.

That's not what we agreed to.

Look, there's the computer.

Have a big time.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna go get you a drink.

Be right back. And don't go anywhere.

So I started thinking that if you took him

to pick up Tanya,

I wouldn't be there to see the look

on T.J.'s face, when they first met.

Yikes!



It's okay, Tanya. It's just not every day

that T.J. meets such a pretty little girl.

It happens more than you think.

Can I come down now? It's boring up here!

Who was that?

Uh, we have a parrot.

No, we don't.

We just got one. You weren't here.

Y'all got a parrot?

Ooh, can I go see the parrot?

No!

Well, finally, now I can get

a picture of T.J. and--

Who are you?

This is T.J.'s date.

No, it isn't.

I wanna call my Daddy.

That's T.J.'s date.

Hello! It's called Hide and Seek,

not lock and left for dead!

-Who's that?

-Who's that?

This is, uh, T.J.'s date.

I... overbooked.

Excuse us for a moment, ladies.

Now, let me get this straight.

Mo was the brains of the operation?

And it was all downhill from there.

Well, T.J., if you had three dates,

why didn't you just tell us?

I tried, but all of you were so convinced

that this is what I should be doing

and I didn't want to disappoint you.

Well, what do you mean by that?

Well, Marcus told me,

I had to go out with his date's sister

or else he couldn't go to the prom

and Yvette told me

I'd be emotionally damaged

if I missed a basic developmental

moment in my life.

Mm-hmm.

And you had a whole church roof riding

on me and the Reverend's

daughter hitting it off!

That's not true.

"Five tons of slate. T.J.'s thrilled too.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Hallelujah!"

Alright. I can see where

you might get that impression.

Everybody wanted me to say

"yes" so I said, "yes,"

and "yes,"

and "yes."

But, son, you can always say "no."

No, I can't.

See? That was a good start.

T.J., the most important thing here...

is that you don't have to say yes

to something just to please us.

T.J., we'll still love you,

even if you tell us "no."

That's right.

So you should dump their two girls

and take mine.

No.

I'm going to be forthright and honest

and go where no man has gone before.

Here it is, ladies, The Magic Kingdom.

It's everything I imagined it would be.

It's a dream come true.

Man, what was their budget, a dollar?

Well, I guess, I know who's gonna be

prom king this year.

Yeah! You go, boy!

Get your groove on!

Yeah. Make your backbone slip.

That's all the time we have for Lillie.

There you go.

Alright. Go ahead, girl.

Break it down. Break it down.

Do your thing. Do your thing.

And keep it moving.

There it is.

Uh-oh. Now she gonna break your arm.

You can't keep up with that.

She gonna-- oh hey, okay, alright!

Now take a little roll out

that Tootsie Roll, okay?

We're gonna keep this rated "G."

Save the earth. Save the earth.

Ha ha! Yeah, baby.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.