01x05 - Always s*ab or Run

[bunniefuu]

[henchman] I got you as soon as
I figured out who was missing.

All of them
except at one in the jar.

Exactly how long
did that take you?

Let's see, one, two... Huh?

Stop straining your few
remaining brain cells and search the ship.

And empty that jar.

Its eyes are laughing at me.

[both snicker]

[annoyed hissing]

[snickering]

[both chuckle]

[both cackle]

[laughing wickedly]

[theme music playing]

[evil mogwai laughing]

So... being a henchman
must be hard work.

It is, but the camaraderie
is nice.

We call ourselves,
"The Greene Team."

Oh, that's sweet.

Must be fun too.
I mean, you have access to...

How many rooms
does this ship have?

Ten cabins.
Plus the engine room, boiler room, kitchen,

and Greene's quarters.

Not that we're allowed inside.

Not to sound cruel,

but it'd help us more
if they caught gangrene.

No. This is how we learn
what we need to know for step three.

We're on step two?
I thought this was step one.

Anyway, Step three
is where we escape?

There's no escape
until we get Sam.

Wherever he is, I hope he's okay.

[Sam] We're okay!

Grandpa's map says this should
take us straight to the Ghost City,

once we walked through...
the scary forest.

So we're on the right path.

Hmm. He really did label
it "the scary forest."

Gotta give your grandpa credit
for being honest.

Yes, and I'm sure
Grandpa also gave us tips

on how to survive it.

"When you meet danger
in this scary forest,

s*ab it or run.

Always s*ab or run."
[caws]

[all gasping]
[Gizmo whimpering]

It's okay, Gizmo.

That's probably just a bird.

[caws]
[creatures growling]

Run!

Ha!
[all scream]

All right, kids, give me
everything you got.

Money, food, socks,
that umbrella, your toothbrushes...

You want our toothbrushes?

[chuckles] I want anything.

They say it's easy to rob
people in a dark forest.

[chuckles]

But what they don't say is,
nobody walks through a dark forest.

Now empty those pockets!

Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Bandit.

[whimper]

Huh, smart dog.

How about you?
That umbrella still work?

Elle, Grandpa says it's always safer to give
thieves what they want.

He might have been giving
this advice as a thief.

But still.

I'm not giving him anything,

because this guy's not
a hardworking thief.

He's a bandit.

And bandits are like rats.

Lazy, dirty, scavengers.

See, this isn't the Scary Forest,
it's the stupid forest.

Guess Grandpa wasn't
so great after...

[growls]

[screams]

[exclaims]

[growling]
[both scream]

[both scream]

What is that thing?

And what did it do
to Mr. Bandit?

Stop calling him Mr. Bandit.
He's not your friend.

[both exclaiming]

Jeez, how fast is that thing!

[Gizmo chatters]

It's not fast.
It's got friends.

[Gizmo chatters]
There, over there!

[both scream]
[growling]

What are you doing?

Following Grandpa's advice,
always s*ab.

- [growls]
- Or run!

Sam, move.

[growls]
[screams]

- Now what?
- I'm open to crying.

Blue Mahua,
this is Greene Alpha.

Reply , over.

Aah.

[Egyptian music playing]

[all chuckling]

[cackling]

[firecrackers exploding]

Ooh.

Huh, it's the lights.

Huh?

[cackles]

Hello? Who's there?

You, get out of here, now!

You, get out!

[screams]

You can't do this to me.

I am the captain!

[screaming]

I captain. [cackles]

No, don't stand up
if you wanna live.

You're at a very delicate stage
of the healing process.

I'll check on what's happening.

- You keep constant pressure on that.
- [groans]

His life is in your hands.
Hold it firmly, but gently.

[groans]

You know, as someone
who's hidden behind

a lot of locked
doors in my life,

this one's not gonna hold
much longer.

[whimpering]

Gizmo, you know kung fu?

- [screams]
- Elle!

She'd jump in after us.

Hiyah!

[groans softly]

[whispers] We're not alone.

[floor board creaking]

Hi!

I almost hurt a kid.

Nah, you almost
hurt his feelings.

I'm Radish.

Been a long time
since we had company.

"We"?

Me and my best pal, Theodore.

Oh, hi, Theodore.

Nice place you got here.

How are you?

I'm the outgoing one.

So, welcome to our home.

I'm so glad you dropped in.
[laughs]

Get it? Of course you do,
You're the ones who fell.

Let me give you the tour.

Here's our pantry.

If you're hungry,
have a carrot.

They're fresh from our garden
where I'm growing, carrots.

Here's our library.

Only instead of books, carrots!

And behind that curtain
is our outhouse.

I wouldn't eat
the carrots in there.

How bad was it upstairs again?

Home. You live here?

I do now. Speaking of which,
help me patch my ceiling.

I ran away from the orphanage,

which is good, because
the other kids were so weird.

But then those hopping guys
chased me into here,

where Theodore
was already hiding.

Thankfully, he let me stay.

[banging on door]

Don't worry,
it's safe down here.

They never get
through the door.

Until now.

Boy, you guys really
messed things up.

Boss, I'm pretty sure
this is just a momentary outage.

We are dealing
with creatures

who, unlike you, are good at their job,
and their job is chaos.

Sound the alarm.

[Gremlins mimicking sirens]

[Greene grunts]

[both] Where are you going?

Away from that magic maniac
who can create

floating balls of light.

Lawrence the henchman said
there are lifeboats up on top.

Hon, we need to get Sam,
and this ship is taking us straight to him.

But if we don't have a way
to fight Greene, it'll all be for nothing.

How are we supposed
to fight magic?

With magic.

[groans]

[door opens]

This must be Greene's office.

Grab anything that looks
magical or deadly.

[Hon] Psst.

Which is deadlier, a giant dried bat
or a giant pickled scorpion?

[music starts]
[both exclaim]

Come on, Grandpa,
tell me what to do.

Kid... you had enough time
to plant a garden down here,

but you never thought
to dig another way out?

Why would we?

Me and Theodore built
the perfect life here.

Carrots, friendship,
being alive.

What more could a boy want?

[thudding]

Besides, maybe less of those
undead hopping guys upstairs.

What did that other guy
call them again?

"Kid, kid, let me in before
I'm k*lled by the Jiangxi!"

Yes, the Jiangxi,
Grandpa told me about these things.

[humming]

Ah!

[clears throat]

Come on, Grandpa,
I'm trying to work.

And I'm trying to
save your life from the Jiangxi!

The what?

Legend has it,
the first Jiangxi

was a government official
in the Qing Dynasty.

This official always
followed the rules.

Oh, too scared
to ever think for himself.

So much so that when he d*ed,

his soul could not even decide
to leave his own deceased body.

Oh, so instead, he turned
into an undead corpse.

Now the Jiangxi reside in only
the darkest corners of our country,

wondering aimlessly
and indecisively.

But if they scratch you,

you become one of them.

When you encounter a Jiangxi,

oh, you can only
defeat them with this!

A receipt from the Kn*fe store?

Uh, yeah.

This talisman will freeze
a Jiangxi right where they hop.

Oh. You can just stop them with a well written note?
That's not so bad.

Uh yes, but you must also do,
what they cannot do,

be brave.

The talisman must be placed
on its forehead,

and to do that, you have to get right up
to it's horrible face.

- We need paper.
- [shushing]

[whispers] And ink.

[Jiangxi hopping and growling]

[both sigh]

[all scream]

Come on.

[grunts]

No! You can't have him!

Let it go. It's just a radish.

No, I'm Radish. He's Theodore!

Sam, he's not gonna
survive out there.

Come on, come on, talismans.

Pen? No talismans.

Ugh, that dead scorpion.

Yes!

Sam, what are you doing?

Saving Theodore, uh, Radish.

I got paper, I got ink.

The only thing I still need
is bravery.

[exhales]

[Elle] Where are
you going?

Not sure if Sam picked
right now to be brave or go crazy.

Either way.

[screaming]
[chains rattling]

Hello!

[banging]

[both exclaiming]

[both gasping]

[mogwai chittering]

[growling]

[acid sizzling]

[laughing maniacally]

- Ha!
- [groans]

Ah, get it off me, get it off!

Not acid, just pureed toad.

Aah!

[splattering]

[exclaims]

Uh, oh.

[zaps]

[music starts]

[exclaims]

[screams]

Get away from my wife.

[screams]

[zaps]

[zapping]

I can take 'em.

Hey! Jiangxi! Over here,
you no good bureaucrats!

That's right! We're using
bureaucrat in a bad way!

Theodore.

[Elle] Come get us.

[Gizmo exclaims]

Aah!

Too many! Split up
and lead them away from Radish!

Hey! Jiangxi!

Over here!

[screaming]

Huh?

Oh.

Just be brave. Be brave!
Be brave.

Huh.

Yes!

Woah. [screaming]

Woah. Woah, woah!

Grandpa was right! The talisman
stops them.

Okay great, I slow them down,
you pin the talisman on the Jiangxi.

I need a minute to make more.

[Radish] Heads up!

Yeah!

[exclaims]

[screams]

[all panting]

Good job, everybody.

Whoa! Yeah!

Whoa!

Get him, Theodore!

[pants]

Thank you for the save, Theo.

I mean, Rad.

Actually, I mean both of you.

Sure, anything
for a houseguest.

[Gizmo exclaims]

You know, if you don't want
to live in a hole

and don't mind facing
other terrifying dangers,

you can come along with us,
if you want.

What? What's that?
Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm.

We're in!

Look, the Ghost City.

Grandpa's directions
were right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was you who got us
through the scary forest.

Your grandpa would be proud.

[Gizmo chuckles]

[chuckles] Even though
Grampy was also insane.

Please, I'm not
a strong swimmer.

[screaming]

[both exclaiming]

Oh, hello, doctor.

You will not eat us!
[zaps]

Oh, no, bright light!
Bright light!

The Wand of Sunlight
is instant death to a mogwai,

but to me, it's a glorified
reading lamp.

[both pant]

[giggling]

[grunts]

Now watch while
I restore order.

[zapping]

Hello! I wish to parlay
with your leader.

[cackling]

Ah, Hello, Captain...
Let's say, Claw.

Now, I could crush your
uprising right now.

[zaps and screams]

However, since you've thrown my
captain and all but one...

No, please...
[screaming]

...all of my men overboard,

I need a crew to get me
to the Valley of Jade.

What would you like in return?

Ship.

My ship?

What do you want with a ship?

Ah, you wish to see the world.

And I cannot tell what your people
are doing to the Eiffel Tower,

but it seems unpleasant.

Yes.

Fair enough.

Get me the furry mogwai,
and the ship is yours, Captain Claw.

Deal?

Deal.

[evil mogwai chanting]
Deal, deal, deal, deal...

[theme music playing]