01x06 - Always Buy a God a Drink First

[bunniefuu]

This is Fengdong?

What a dung hole.

Sorry, Giz, but after all of us almost

dying to get here, I expected more.

Grandpa did call Fengdong

"the Ghost City."

And it's only

a quick stop on the way

to finding the key

to The Valley of Jade,

which is hopefully labeled

somewhere amongst all these ruins.

Aw, your dog caught

a scent.

Again, he's a mogwai,

not a dog.

And Gizmo,

you've been here before?

No clue what you just said,

but you said it with confidence.

So, lead on, Gizmo.

The fabled Ghost City

of Fengdong.

Off to it, my new

hench-creatures.

According to that old man

I swallowed,

the key to the Valley of Jade

is somewhere in this city's ruins.

We just need to find it.

Okay. But you don't see

the confusion?

You're named radish.

And he is a radish.

Right, because we're a family.

Well, we're here now, Gizmo.

What next?

Sweet.

Hello, I love you.

That is what

your kid siblings turned into?

Because they ate

after midnight?

Whoever made your rules

is so mean.

Why are they here?

How are they here?

Why are they so scaly?

Did they take the train

all the way from Shanghai?

I have so many questions.

And if they're here,

Greene might be here, too.

This is so many kinds of bad.

So, do we run at them

or away from them?

I only know how to hide.

- Oh, we're running away.

- For now.

If the mogwai rules so apply,

they'll have to leave at sun-up.

Right, Gizmo?

Gizmo!

We should follow Gizmo.

He does seem to know where he's going.

We have done so many

stupid things to get this far.

What's one more?

Your kind

has been here before.

Any idea where I might

find this key?

Sam has Dad's notebook,

so maybe he's here too.

If only I could turn my head

to look and see.

I just want to move

my leg.

No, no, no, no.

I hate magic.

Whoa!

Gizmo.

Um, Gizmo. Nice song, lovely melody.

But is this the time?

Whoa!

Whoa!

Fortunes! Get your fortunes here.

Fortunes!

Oh! Bad omen.

You will die today.

Okay.

No, Jade or valleys?

No, we're still

looking for the key to The Valley of Jade,

which I'm guessing

is hidden here.

I got keys.

Key to happiness,

key to wealth,

key to invulnerability.

Key to never feeling gross

when you eat too much.

Yeah, this place

isn't any less creepy than the last place.

You're telling me, doll.

Theodore?

Please.

The name's Theodora.

You're talking

outside my head.

Um.

Wow! Who's that?

Oh, pardon me.

I speak both tongues.

And the individual you seek is

as always at the tavern.

May I escort you there?

It's been a long time

since the spirit market has seen your kind.

You are a mogwai. Yes.

b*at it, fur coat.

I can spot a con anywhere.

Oh, no, I assure you,

my lip-licking is due to an unrelated disorder.

It is a mogwai!

Mogwai!

What the large,

gentle creature said to you

Wants to eat our mogwai. Yes.

Got that from context clues. Thanks.

Don't just stand there!

Skidoo.

Mogwai!

Yikes! This place is a lot more intense

than my hole in the ground.

Get used to it, sonny.

Why, hello there, stranger.

What are you doing?

Haven't you ever been chased in the streets before?

Only once! By you!

Lesson one.

Make a mess.

Put me down!

Everything here talks?

Why wouldn't we?

Am I old enough to be in here?

Hey, pal,

it's not polite to stare.

How do you think

I lost my head?

Mogwai!

No one messes

with my mogwai.

Thank you,

Gizmo's snake lady warrior friend.

I am Nuwa,

Goddess of Creation.

You don't smell like a goddess.

You are certain this is how my mogwai

opened the gate?

Again, sing

and with gusto this time.

Wait! One of you

screamed on key.

There you are!

You have a gift.

Use it. Or else.

Yes, yes!

Ah, ah, ah!

Humans first.

Bartender.

A bottle of baijiu.

My favorite fuzzy fella

is visiting.

How'd you even get here?

Wait.

Is The Valley of Jade okay?

You've got

a human infestation?

These humans are with you?

As pets.

- Pets?

- Actually, we're Gizmo's friends.

Gizmo? Who's Gizmo?

- Your name is

- Gizmo!

Gizmo is close enough.

You always

were soft on their kind.

You can understand

Gizmo's words?

To hear the mogwai,

one has only to listen.

Also, I created all words.

Again, Goddess of Creation.

Cool. Then I'll skip

to the end.

We need to get to

The Valley of Jade.

Already with the favors!

Buy a god a drink first.

Speaking of Hmm.

Come on. We came all this way

so that you could go home.

Sam can help his family,

and I can rescue all that treasure I deserve.

She is right.

Why waste time

when we can resolve this quickly?

No!

I'm not sending humans

to The Valley of Jade.

You guys ruin everything.

I'm still not over

what you did to lobsters.

Lobsters?

How could you possibly think

it's supposed to be food?

The whole animal has, like,

two bites of meat,

which I hid inside a rock.

Then what did you create

lobsters for?

Um, I forget.

Now you, my dear mogwai,

of course I'll send you

back to the valley.

But never humans.

No, you should go, Gizmo.

Bartender.

Can't leave

without a hug, Giz.

See?

Ruins everything.

That's what your wink meant?

Normally I detest

this world, but just this once

wow!

Oh, it was my bad omen.

I hate spoiled mogwai.

Your excitement

is understandable.

But remember, while in my employ,

you represent me.

So, decorum.

Ooh! That is not what I

Actually, drink up.

Only one way to learn

which potions are poison.

The rest of you,

find my mogwai!

Mogwai?

That's Sam's "not a dog."

So, this is

your family business.

Three generations.

Um, new new friends?

We have to go

warn my old new friends.

Oh! You'll make a fine pendant.

Actually,

what the creature is saying,

underneath its thick

third-coat-of-Hell regional accent,

is that he's only tiny

because the goddess, Nuwa,

caught him trying to eat a furry mogwai.

My mogwai and Goddess Nuwa.

And you gained the ability

to speak the Queen's English.

Well, technically, I drank

a potion that granted me the gift

of understanding

and speaking all languages,

but from your limited

lingual perspective, sure.

I am a fan of Nuwa's work,

but if she has my mogwai

Mr. Claw!

"Miss."

Oh! I simply assumed you're all

Um, never mind.

Miss Claw, I have a new task

for you and your kin.

Oh, when you run at

hopping vampires,

poor Gizmo races

into a Ghost City,

oh, all of a sudden

you're heroes.

- But when I rush into something

- Your wink was very confusing.

Go through the portal.

Are you kidding?

Because I invented humor.

And I am not finding this funny.

The only safe place for you anywhere

is The Valley of Jade.

So, now that I've

leashed up your pets

go!

Really?

You would give up the valley

for these two?

You heard them yourself.

She's in it for treasure.

And he only cares

about his family.

Ah! Trust me, as their creator,

there is not more to them.

Humans are incredibly

shallow and selfish.

Maybe we are.

You know whose fault that is?

It's yours.

You don't think I blame myself

for humans?

For what they did to him?

To Gizmo?

What did people do to you?

Don't act like you don't know.

You really don't know?

Bartender, a fresh bottle.

Centuries ago,

after we made your world

you're welcome, by the way.

My brother, Fuxi and I

were arguing

about one species

Humans.

Fuxi saw you as ants.

Amusing from afar.

But when they get too close,

a nuisance to be squashed.

But I saw humanity

as mostly good.

To see who was correct,

Fuxi and I came up with a test.

The Mogwai.

If humanity could preserve

the Mogwai,

it would prove that

they're ultimately good.

I created him,

while Fuxi crafted his rules

to make our test fair.

Never get him wet

never expose him

to bright light,

and never feed him

during the hours

when the moon is at

its highest point in the sky.

Of course humanity shortened

that last rule.

But more on

human stupidity in a moment.

The stakes were high.

The losing God

would quit creating life.

The city of Fengdong

was chosen to represent humanity.

We tasked them with the caring

for this gift from the gods

by obeying its three rules.

I was certain I would win.

How could anyone

ever hurt my mogwai?

I was wrong.

The humans

loved this mogwai so much

that they all wanted one,

so they broke one rule.

And the other two rules

soon followed,

not knowing Fuxi

had cursed the mogwai's spawn

to spend the first century of their lives

as destructive tricksters.

Soon, chaos blossomed

and people d*ed.

So I stopped the test

before the rest of China

was destroyed.

I reverted the corrupted mogwai

to their original states

and brought them

to a new safe home

The Valley of Jade.

It was my last creation since, well,

since I bet on humanity

and lost.

I hung up my clay Kn*fe

and said goodbye.

Since I didn't want to hear

"I told you so" for eternity,

I've been avoiding my brother

in this tavern ever since.

Except one day a year

where I travel to Shanghai for dumplings.

So now that you know, tell me,

would you send dumb,

destructive humans to The Valley of Jade?

My dear, sweet, adorable,

"too kind-hearted for this or any world" mogwai,

stop it!

There is not one word

you can say that will make me

Wait. Is that

Did you dummies

break the rules?

Not all of them.

Of course. And, as always,

I'm the one who cleans up your mess.

Uh, you're going to

clean it up with rhythm?

Why isn't this working?

Drink?

Poison!

But who poisons a goddess?

Greetings, Goddess Nuwa!

And other mortals

of little importance.

Oh, no.

Anyone but him right now.

My associates

have you surrounded.

Hand over the mogwai

and I shall grant you safe passage,

as well as an antidote

to the poison in your veins.

Refuse and, If I may be blunt,

you will die!

Very intimidating delivery, sir.