02x04 - Alive!

[bunniefuu]

["HIGH" BY NEIL FRANCES
AND PAW PAW ROD PLAYING]

[PATRONS CHATTERING]

JACKIE: Midnight to : in the morning.

Well, I was shocked, shocked!

You said yes to breakfast.

Oh, yeah. I'm like a supermodel.

- [CARRIE LAUGHS]
- "I never get outta bed

for less than $ , ,"

or Carrie Bradshaw.

- One or the other. [CHUCKLES]
- Aw, shucks. Well...

anyway, I wanted to keep a promise

that you probably don't
even remember me making.

Dude, did you dedicate your book to me?

[LAUGHS] No, Jackie, I did not.

But you said you wanted a personally
signed copy when it came out.

- There you are.
- Oh, thanks.

This is gonna make me look
hella smart on the subway.

Ooh, well, I don't know.

[GROANS] No.

I just broke my no-Hollandaise-
before-noon rule.

- [STOMACH BUBBLING]
- f*ck!

Sorry, excuse me.

Godspeed.

[PHONE CHIMES]

[LIGHT, CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING]

Hm?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

CARRIE: Hm?

Oh, E... [CHUCKLES] Enid. Hi!

- Carrie. Hello. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

I thought I recognized your highlights

and fairly certain it was your shade,

but I couldn't bring
myself to say hello.

- Oh, why not?
- Well, I felt terrible

about what happened to your husband.

And then I was mortified

that I hadn't written
a condolence card...

That's okay. It's okay.

The truth is, I had my own death.

I'm sure you heard.

My God, no. Who did you lose?

Me. After years at "Vogue,"

and then six years before
that at "Mademoiselle,"

may she rest in peace.

Condé Nast gave me
the golden parachute,

if you can believe it. Me.

No, honestly, I can't.

But if it helps to hear,

I'm really enjoying your
"Ask Enid" newsletter.

I mean, you must know
it's wildly popular.

Yeah, it is. It-It's rivaling "Goop."

Oh!

What are you reading?
Something wonderful?

Oh, well, I hope so.
It's, um, it's my new book.

- Oh.
- Actually, I had s-sent you an email.

It was... I-I don't...
It was a while ago.

I don't know if you got it.

No.

Yes.

Y-You wanted me to blurb your book.

Congratulations, by the way.

Well, obviously, the
blurb ship has sailed,

but, um...

if you... ever felt inclined,
you know, to mention the book

in "Ask Enid,"

I mean, I don't have to tell you

how tough publishing is these days.

You know, Carrie, if
I mentioned your book,

I would have to mention
everyone's book and then...

Oh... does everyone have a book?

Well, I don't. [CHUCKLES]

Mostly to avoid embarrassing
situations like this. But, listen,

I'm having a thought.

I like it already. [CHUCKLES]

I'm launching an online
magazine called "Vivante!"

- Oh!
- That's French for "alive."

- Yes, yes, of course, of course.
- It's focused on women our age.

Women our age are grossly
underrepresented in the media,

so I-I'd love it if
you could get involved.

You're perfect for it.

Oh, oh, my gosh. Well... thank you.

- Thank you.
- [PHONE RINGING]

ENID: Oh! Excuse me.

This is my new beau.
He's really something.

I'll send you the "Vivante!" info.

- Okay.
- ENID: Hey, handsome.

Tippleton Lake Camp! Final boarding!

HARRY: Okay, this is it.

CHARLOTTE: Baby, I'm
gonna miss you so much!

It's only four weeks, Mom.

I will see you visiting day.

- LEILA: Lily!
- Leila! Love you guys!

- HARRY: Bye.
- CHARLOTTE: Sweetheart, love you!

Summer fun is boarding now!

- I love you, I love you, baby girl!
- CHARLOTTE: Bye, you guys!

Did you remember to pack my retainer?

I am % sure.

- Hi!
- That leaves a % window of error.

I don't like those odds.

- LISA: Bye!
- Be good. Bye, baby.

- Did you pack your deodorant?
- Yeah, yeah. % sure.

- LISA: Ha!
- [HERBERT LAUGHS]

What are you guys gonna do
with all your kid-free time?

BOTH: Oh... work.

Kinky.

No kids, no interruptions.

And now that my film is in Tribeca,

I have a zillion polishes and clearances

that I can do without any guilt.

I've got a huge backlog of
pro-bono things I wanna dive into.

- You two?
- Yeah, um...

- Things we're behind on, too.
- [KIDS SAYING GOODBYE]

[PARENTS SAYING GOODBYE]

LISA/CHARLOTTE: Aww.

[PARENTS CHEERING]

- Okay! Bye, guys!
- All right, bye!

- Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Okay, okay, okay!

- [LISA LAUGHING]
- They are definitely gettin' it on.

I don't think I've ever seen Harry run.

Don't forget our th anniversary party!

- CHARLOTTE: Okay!
- HARRY: Okay, okay. Go, go, go.

So, I've invited my dad to the party.

Your father and my mother
in the same room?

Have you learned nothing
from Gabby's baptism?

Don't get upset. The kids are gone.

[REPETITIVE POUNDING]

[SIGHS]

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

- Good morning!
- Morning.

Good morning, honey.

We have to be there at : .

Do those headphones work?

Obviously not if I can hear you.

CHARLOTTE: Right.

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

We're due at therapy at : !

[SIGHS] Oh, f*ck.

- [PHONE DINGS]
- [GASPS]

- _
- [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Hey, do I present as
a -year-old retiree?

- Be honest.
- Why on earth would you ask that?

Well, my former boss and
mentor, who is in her s,

alluded to us being the same age

not once, not twice, but thrice

the other day when I ran into her.

- I counted.
- She wishes you were in her group.

You're not. You're in my group.

We're sophomores, not seniors.

Just stop using the word "thrice."

Don't get me wrong, the woman's amazing,

but now she wants me to write for her

online magazine, "Vivante!"

[CHUCKLES] If you need a
magazine to remind yourself

that you're alive...

you've got bigger problems.

Well, now I've got a bigger problem

'cause she invited me
to attend her start-up.

God bless, but a retirement magazine?

- I'm not there yet.
- Well, I'll never be there.

Trust me, I'll be pushing
penthouses from the grave.

I mean, I just started the
second book of a three-book deal.

I still have friends
that call me "dude."

Exactly. Just ignore her, dude.

Who is this sad, desperate woman anyway?

She was my editor at
"Vogue." Enid Frick.

Okay... [SIGHS] we have to start
this whole conversation over.

The woman's a legend.

- Mm.
- Do you subscribe to "Ask Enid"?

I will literally buy
anything she recommends.

Yes, exactly, which is why I
shamelessly asked her to plug my book.

Brilliant move. They'll
fly off the shelves.

No, no, no, no. She said no.

If she plugs my book,

she has to plug everyone's book.

"No" is the opening offer.

Everything's a negotiation.
In my business,

it's, "Throw in the custom
loveseat, it's a yes."

In yours, it's, "I came
to your old lady start-up

and you plug my book in 'Ask Enid.'"

- Can I do that?
- You have to go to

that old lady event and work it.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Another text from this guy?

That's a beauty. The car, not the man.

"Wrong number." What is happening?

Was my life recently hacked by the AARP?

Oh, not wrong number. "Carrie
Bradshaw? Marlon Shaffer.

A little birdie gave me your number."

- Who's the "little birdie"?
- Who's Marlon Shaffer?

And where does he buy
his yellow sweater?

CHARLOTTE: Ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh. Oh yeah.
- Like that.

- Yeah, just like that.
- You are so f*ckin' hot.

Ooh, you are so f*ckin' hot.

- I'm close, baby.
- Ooh! H-Harry, Harry,

do you wanna come on my tits?

It's not even my birthday.
That's a birthday thing.

I know, but it's like birthday

and Hanukkah and Christmas

all rolled into one. Let's do it!

Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[MOANING]

Ooh, ooh!

- Ah!
- [MOANING]

- [CHARLOTTE GIGGLES]
- [HARRY EXHALES]

- Woo!
- [CHARLOTTE EXHALES]

Oof, we still got it,
babe... We still got it.

- [HARRY EXHALES]
- Do we?

Harry...

did you just fake an orgasm?

What? No.

Why do you think...

Where is it?

And then, there was nothing there.

And according to Harry,

the orgasm was very present

and powerful, just invisible.

So, it's Casper the Friendly Cum?

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God!

Don't you dare call him that.

Why're you lookin' at
me? She's the potty mouth.

Excuse me...

can I ask how you made this discovery?

Well, normally, he would come inside me.

This was just a special treat
since the kids are away.

So, who knows how long
it's been going on.

And this is a problem why?

I-I mean, I-I haven't
been with a man in a while,

but jizz-free sex
sounds like an upgrade.

Guess that should've been
our first clue about you.

- [ANTHONY LAUGHS]
- Why, do you enjoy it?

I've never given it any thought,

literally until this moment,

but to me... jizz...

jizz...

jizz...

jizz is like an old friend
that gets on your nerves.

- MIRANDA: Mm.
- You know? I think

I'd miss it if it were gone.

Aw, that's sweet.

MIRANDA: Anthony, as the
sole ejaculator in the group,

can you shed any light on
this particular phenomenon?

Thank you, Rachel Maddow.

I believe the clinical
term is "Dust-Balls."

I have no personal experience with this,

either as a cum-er or cum-ee.

I'm like a milking
machine, if you must know.

- 'Scuse me.
- WAITER: Yes, sir?

- Little mayo, please?
- WAITER: Right away.

See? I've never been
a fan of mayo, either.

- Another clue.
- CARRIE: Hm.

Well, I've always been a fan of mayo.

It's like the confetti at a parade.

It's like the finale of
fireworks on the th of July.

I love you so much right now.

Me too. Who knew you were a cum-slut?

Hey, don't cum-slut-shame her.

That is gonna be your new
name in my phone, though.

- [MIRANDA LAUGHS]
- Okay, shh.

And the children, just in time.

It is o'clock.

- Yeah.
- We are not begging

one of our children to go to bed,

we are at The Mark,

we are having a nightcap
after a long day's work.

Do you realize that we are
having an actual conversation

- without interruptions?
- Hm.

We are listening to each other

- and getting things done.
- What can't we do...

BOTH: With the kids away.

- [HERBERT CHUCKLES]
- LISA: Mm.

After FedEx-ing Gabby's retainer,

I walked by the Mark Kasabian Gallery

and realized I wanted
him to come to the party

so I invited him, he's coming.

- Is that okay?
- Of course, it is.

- You know why?
- BOTH: Because the kids are away!

Oh, and thank you for handling
the party invitations.

I was happy to take it off your plate.

Your hands are more than full now.

In fact...

[SIGHS] you know that run

I've been mullin' over
for City Comptroller?

Oh, you mean threatening?

Well, this morning,
when I was workin' out,

I decided on a bit of a re-think.

I think it would be too
much, especially now.

Are you sure?

- [HERBERT SIGHS]
- I mean, I know how much

- you wanna do for this city.
- Yeah, I do.

But there'll be time for that when
the kids are older, but not now.

And we both know with my campaigning,

it would all fall... on you,

and I think that would be unfair.

I love "no kids" us so much.

Mm-hmm.

Shall I order two
more espresso martinis?

So that we can... be wide
awake to go home and...

- Work more?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Hm.

- Nothing to worry about.
- Oh, good. Good!

Excuse me about the power
bar. Busy day, low blood sugar.

[MOUTH FULL] Um, you
just had a "dry orgasm,"

or retrograde ejaculation.

Your semen went into your
bladder instead of your penis.

- Why would it do that?
- Um, Dr. Chang,

once this starts happening,

is there any way to...

- Redirect traffic?
- Yes!

Sure. Right now, your muscles
are not well-coordinated

with your pelvic floor.

- I have one of those?
- DR. CHANG: You sure do.

Ever heard of Kegels?

Heard of it? It's all I eat
during the High Holidays.

Honey, not kugel. Kegels.

They're exercises to strengthen
the muscles down there.

I'm an expert. I can
teach you. It'll be fun.

I bet not as fun as kugel.

Okay, we're gonna lift
and squeeze the sphincter.

But remember, it's not your butthole.

You are not trying to hold in a fart.

‘Cause I already know how to do that.

Yes. So, remember what he said,

"Think of your penis
like an elephant's trunk,

slurping from the river."

- Okay, slurp it up!
- Oh, baby.

- Come on now, slurp! Let's see it.
- Yes, ma'am. Slurp.

[HARRY SLURPING]

- Slurp.
- You call that a slurp?

Ugh. Give me your hand, feel mine.

Miss, we hardly know each other.

Harry, get serious.

Do ya ever wanna come again or not?

I do. I-I wanna, I
wanna sh**t all over you.

Okay then, let's do this.

Are you freakin' kiddin' me?!

- It's like a steel trap down there.
- You are welcome.

I do three sets of
, three times a day,

so you can suck it up.

Now, come on. Two, three, four.

Slurp that sperm from the pelvic floor.

- The rhyming helps.
- Oh, good, good, good! Come on!

So, who would like...

- Okay, I'll start.
- Great... Brady.

BRADY: Yeah, so it's been three weeks.

I'm pretty much done
talking about my breakup.

- Like, I'm good with all that.
- I agree, buddy.

You're a champ, you know?

So, is there anything else
that we should be, you know,

- doing or thinking about?
- Yeah, your breakup.

Luisa's gone, f*ckin' whatever.
What about you two?

- What about us?
- Mom, come on.

Do you think I'm an idiot or something?

STEVE: Hey! Nobody's
saying you're an idiot.

Uh, me and your Mom are keeping
our stuff separate, that's all.

You installed a punching
bag in your bedroom.

And Mom's f*ckin' banished
herself to the couch,

pretending she's fine with it.

I am fine with it... for now.

Right, yeah, well, I'm not.

Are you two separating or what?

Your mom and I, you know,
can talk about this privately.

We don't wanna drag you in...

I'm right here in the middle of it.

You're up there like "Raging Bull."

I can barely sleep, and
I'm heavily medicated.

You are not heavily medicated.

Okay, then give me more.

LAUREL: Okay... what I'm hearing is

there's a lot of underlying
tension in the house.

This is a good time to look at
the family dynamic as a whole.

I mean, what can I say?
You know, it is what it is.

Nothing. Mom?

Mom?

This is not who she is,
just so you know.

Miranda?

We both wanna be home for Brady.

Yeah, well, it's not helping.

I think it might be in
everyone's best interest

to find a more permanent solution.

- We're looking for consistency.
- Okay.

Then I guess I should find a place.

No, I'll find a place,
you know, closer to Scout.

It... That-That's my bar.

Oh, well...

thank you.

Well, Brady, is there
anything else on your mind?

Uh, it's kind of off-topic,

but I'm not gonna start
college in the fall.

That's okay, Buddy. Whatever you need.

Mom, we can all see that
your head is about to explode,

so why don't you just say it?

No. [CHUCKLES]

I have nothing to say.

- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- I have so much to say.

I don't even know where to start.

This is Brady. This is not
a kid who self-motivates.

And Steve is just sitting
there like it's totally chill

that our son has decided
to completely skip college.

Well, why didn't you say anything?

Because I blew us up and we all know it.

It's the silent agreement
Steve and I co-signed.

He's not allowed to
punch me in the face,

and I'm not allowed to take up
any more space than the couch.

- Sounds healthy to me.
- Yeah, right.

- CARRIE: Welcome home!
- MIRANDA: Welcome home!

Oh, hi, Lyle! I-I didn't
know you'd still be here.

- I-It's nice to see you again.
- Yeah, you, too. Come on in.

- Oh, great, thanks.
- CHE: Hey!

- Hey!
- Welcome to page

of the Ikea catalog!

- [MIRANDA LAUGHS]
- What? Nice!

Now where do I get
the Swedish meatballs?

- [LAUGHS] Come here.
- Oh, my gosh. Oh!

[CHE LAUGHS]

I have to say, Che with
an elevator is even hotter

than Che in a five-flight walk-up.

Oh, and if my TV show goes...

- When your TV show goes.
- Thank you for that.

And I'm taping in LA,
I will have no problem

subletting it for more than I pay.

- Now, I'm part of the problem.
- [LAUGHTER]

CHE: Mm.

[CHE AND MIRANDA MOANING]

Hi, I'm Carrie.

I keep waiting for
someone to introduce us.

- Same here.
- [MIRANDA AND CHE LAUGHING]

sh*t. Lyle, this is Carrie.
Carrie, this is Lyle.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Likewise.
- All right, I'll take that.

- I'm the designated bartender.
- Oh... Oh, okay.

Lyle is a mixologist at
the Malibu Soho House.

That's right, but
lower your expectations.

'Cause Che has no fancy
glassware. Or any glassware.

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Hey, show me the bedroom.

- Oh! Okay.
- [MIRANDA LAUGHS]

But just show her. I'm
only here for one drink.

Loud and clear. [LAUGHS]

So... Carrie, what's your story?

Let's see. What is my story?

Well, as I mentioned, I'm
only here for one drink,

and I'd much rather talk about you,

a gentleman wearing a ring
on every single finger.

- [LYLE LAUGHS]
- What, pray-tell, is your story?

Well, I was married
to Che for two years.

- So, that's a short story.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]

And the rings are a holdover

from my Beverly Hills hairdressing days.

- A Beverly Hills hairdresser.
- Mm-hmm.

Perhaps, I'll be staying for
more than just one drink.

- Oh... I just...
- [CHE MOANING]

I guess I didn't think that
Lyle would still be here.

Mm, did you think he'd
drive me in his truck

all the way from LA to Hudson Yards,

load up all my new sh*t from Ikea,

[CHUCKLES] swing by my
old place, get my clothes,

turn around and drive , miles back?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, sh*t, that was loud.

Okay... I guess when
you put it that way.

I just... I just miss being with you.

So much.

Me too... Me too.

He'll be sleeping on the couch.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Cameron Diaz...
- Mm.

- Eva Longoria, Che Diaz...
- Wow.

- Before they were Che.
- Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah. This
was, uh, this was in .

Che was in LA to tape "Funny
Latina Ladies" for Showtime.

And an agent told them
to lose the long, flowing

- Carrie Underwood hair.
- Oh, my God.

Mm-hmm. So, Che came in...

- Mm-hmm.
- I gave them a sexy shag,

and then... we shagged.

- It's very "Shampoo" of you.
- Mm, total compliment.

Anyway, Che got cut from the
special and blamed the new haircut,

so the least I could do was marry them.

Yep.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Oh!

[SOFTLY] Oh, sh*t.

CHE: Oh.

- We broke your couch.
- [MIRANDA GASPS]

- [CHE LAUGHS]
- It's the side you screwed in, man.

- CARRIE: Happy Housewarming!
- [LAUGHTER]

- There you are.
- Happy anniversary, my love.

Happy anniversary, baby.

- Hi! So sorry we're late.
- We were workin' out.

- Is that what we're callin' it now?
- It's not what you think.

LISA: Well... you're not late at all.

You're actually the first to arrive.

- Oh.
- Do I not exist?

Oh, I am so sorry, Mother Wexley.

Yes, you were punctual, as always.

Uh, Harry, they have got a
beautiful whiskey over here.

- I know you're gonna love it.
- Excellent.

Oh, wow! Everything looks so beautiful.

- Did you rent out the whole place?
- LISA: Yes.

Is that Mark Kasabian? Do you know him?

Yes, he sold me the Amy Sherald

and then a few other paintings.

Hello! Happy anniversary!

- Sorry, I'm late.
- LISA: Aw!

The Jim Stall Installation
needed a little extra TLC.

- Hello. Mark Kasabian.
- Hi. I am Charlotte York Goldenblatt.

I have been to your
gallery countless times.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

And you're not late,
Mark, we just started.

Oh, but, uh, didn't you say : ?

Yes. I guess everyone
is stuck in traffic?

Well, I've been here since :

and not so much as an hors d'oeuvre.

Okay, why don't we all go in?

[QUIETLY] How did I
ever make it years?

♪ At last ♪

Oh, Daddy, I'm so happy you came.

Darling, this looks like it has
the makings of a magical evening.

You've approached me with
that same hors d'oeuvre

for the second time so far.

Spoke too soon.

Harry... I'd like to think that

we're more than just "dad" friends.

Oh, that's nice 'cause
I feel the same way.

I-I think of us as "friend" friends.

Good... That's why I sat
you next to my mother.

You seem so familiar to me.

Well, I used to work
at the Wickham Gallery,

back when Banks Thurlow owned it.

Wait, a-are you the young girl
who discovered Sonya Sklaroff,

- right out of RISD?
- That was me.

Yes, I used to be her.

I can't believe you remember that.

I always remember memorable people.

- Ha!
- Happy anniversary.

Thank you. Harry, this is

Lisa's father, Mr. Lawrence Todd.

He is a renowned playwright and poet,

and founder of the Newark Free Theater.

No kiddin'. That's very impressive.

Are you like my son-in-law here,

who's a highly paid centurion

to the great god of Wall Street?

Eh, not exactly.

I'm more involved in the
re-distribution of wealth.

- I'm a divorce lawyer.
- [HERBERT CHUCKLES]

So, I guess it's all
lawyers and bankers tonight,

as I feared.

Honey, I just texted Susan
to see how close they were,

and she just wrote back, “What are
you talking about? We're in Capri.”

I mean, surely you were
tracking the RSVPs, right?

- On the Paperless Post?
- I think so... Hang on.

Um... I think I see the problem.

And?

- I never hit send.
- What do you mean?

You never hit send on what?

The invitations?! Herbert!

So... hello. [LAUGHS]

We, uh, we wanted to
keep you up to speed on,

uh, this, uh, situation
that we find ourselves in.

- Honey, would you...
- Herbert forgot to hit

send on the invitations.

So, all of you who are actually here

were invited the
old-fashioned way, by talking.

Everyone else is in Europe
or the Hamptons by now.

So, I hope you're hungry

because we have a four-course
meal coming for people.

- Oh, my God.
- HERBERT: And, uh...

and oysters don't keep. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, full disclosure.

I was planning to stop in

for a quick drink and then take off...

but now it feels too awkward to leave.

Oh, no, you can't leave now.

Oh, no. We took our
wedding very seriously.

We were married in Vegas
by an Elvis impersonator...

- Both of us dressed as Elvis.
- [ALL LAUGHING]

Oh... Jannie was dressed as Priscilla.

- Oh, Jannie.
- Jannie.

- Who's Jannie?
- Jannie was, kind of, our girlfriend

for a few months.

Yeah, we were poly-pioneers.

- Uh-huh.
- MIRANDA: Meanwhile, I was cutting up

carrot sticks for Brady's lunchbox.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

- Carrie, I know what you're thinking.
- Hm?

Really? 'Cause I'm not even sure.

This wasn't some pervy,
straight guy idea.

In fact, I wasn't even
down with this at first,

but young Che over here

wanted to break out of the old norms.

- Hello?! Not just me.
- LYLE: Mm-hmm.

LYLE: It was totally just you.

You said, you said it
was important for us

to push our relationship
boundaries, right?

And, and, and, and if I was
afraid to explore that...

I wasn't for you, so I figured, well...

"happy life, happy wife."

- Marriage takes sacrifice.
- LYLE: Speaking of sacrifice...

- Jannie was my first pegging.
- [CHE GASPS]

- Well, look at the time.
- Oh, I guess that's not

- ice-breaker conversation.
- Oh, sh*t.

Is my first strap-on
experience off the table?

- CHE/LYLE: Aww.
- You know, I still don't know

how I feel about the first
time I wore a strap-on.

How am I still in this room?

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Oh, okay. We'll walk ya out.

- Lobster, sir?
- More lobster?

CHARLOTTE: Hello.

HERBERT: Oh, more lobster!

- [CHUCKLES] Eat up, everyone.
- No, no thank you.

There's, uh, lots more of it.

Mother...

wouldn't you like to come
down here and join us?

This was the only seat without the
air conditioning blasting on it.

Honey, go back and keep her company.

Yeah, I feel like I did my time.

WAITER: More lobster, sir?

[SIGHS]

[WHISPERS] Thank you.

Texting at the table. I-I apologize.

Well, if you weren't so nice,

you would be home by
now, so I'll allow it.

My -year-old found a way to
smuggle her cell phone into camp

- and she's torturing me nonstop...
- WAITER: Another lobster, sir.

Begging to be picked up.

Oh, both my kids were homesick
first time at sleepaway camp.

Yours will adjust, I promise.

Madness. This is Delilah again!

Oh, don't answer it.
In fact, give it to me.

- Excuse me?
- I'm serious.

If they smell weakness,
they are like bloodhounds...

And they will go in for the k*ll.

- Give me the phone.
- [GLASS CLINKING]

I'd like to make a toast to
my beautiful daughter, Lisa,

and her magnificent film
that I've just been told

is in the Tribeca Film Festival!
[LAUGHS]

He does know it's our
anniversary, right?

- [EUNICE CLEARS THROAT]
- LISA: Thank you, Daddy. Cheers!

- Happy news!
- Hear, hear.

- [CHE SIGHS, LAUGHS]
- sh*t!

f*ck.

Well, I guess he was exhausted.

MIRANDA: Could you wake him
up and move him to the couch?

- The broken couch?
- [MIRANDA SIGHS]

He sleeps like a dead man.

And, honestly, I am so tired.

I'm gonna pass out, too.

You're gonna make it up to me tomorrow.

Okay.

- Ugh. Oh, God.
- [CHE CHUCKLES]

So, Delilah's mother, my third
ex-wife, had a mid-life crisis.

- I guess it was all too much for her.
- Well, there are very few

Lisa Todd Wexleys in the world,

who can juggle everything so gracefully.

And look at her now,
getting back to her passion.

WAITER: More wine, ma'am?

Why don't you follow her lead?

Come work for me.

- [CHUCKLES] If only.
- No, I-I'm, I'm being serious.

I would love to invite someone

with your taste and tenacity

into my gallery. And I promise,

it's not only to rip the phone
out of my hand occasionally.

Oh, d...

It-It's been so long and, and...

my kids need me even more these days.

But...

you've really made
my night by asking me.

If you ever change your
mind, you know where I am.

Okay... I think it's safe to leave now.

Hey, uh, everyone, uh,
uh, dessert's comin' up.

Uh, save room, there's lots of it.

LISA: Yes, in fact, this
is a very special dessert

from our first date

when you took me for coffee and cake...

Oh, my God.

- What?
- Oh, my God,

I forgot to order the cake.

- [CHUCKLES]
- HERBERT: What?!

Lisa, did you say you
forgot to order the cake?

Yes! Yes, I did. I'm so sorry.

Well, [CHUCKLES] I'm stuffed.

Maybe it's a blessin'
in disguise, right?

EUNICE: Well, if I
understand you correctly,

you didn't send out
the proper invitations

because you were working so much.

And then, you forgot to order the cake.

Shall I tell you why I never
forgot to order the cake?

Mother, please.

Because I baked them all myself

and I was happy to do it.

It helped my husband's
business to flourish.

Yeah, well, things are
a little different now.

I have my own career.

And I had mine. I was a concert pianist,

but when I became a mother,
my priorities changed.

May I have my phone back, please?

LAWRENCE TODD: Well, Mrs. Wexley,

just because you let
your dream wither away

doesn't mean that my daughter has to.

Lisa Todd is an artist.

She's putting beauty
and ideas into the world,

rather than just praying
to the almighty dollar...

like your son here.

Thank you for the compliment, Daddy,

but Herbert is concerned
with lots of things

that have nothing to do with money.

Really? Could've fooled me.

Name one project that he's working on

that doesn't revolve around profit.

Um...

I rest my case.

Herbert is running for City Comptroller.

- He is?!
- He is?

- I am?
- Yes! He wants to give back.

And I support his decision %.

- Hear, hear!
- ALL: Cheers!

Can I come back down there now?

[MIRANDA MOANING]

[MIRANDA SCOFFS]

[WHISPERS] Are we really doing this?

I-I feel like my freshman-year roommate

who used to have sex while I was
three feet away in the next bed.

[CHE CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

[MOANING]

- Okay.
- [CHE CHUCKLES]

- [MOANING]
- Oh, yeah.

[CHE CHUCKLES, MOANS]

Are you okay with this?

Thank you for asking.

I need to think about this for a minute

because my visceral reaction is "no,"

but maybe that's just
fear of the unknown.

Because, I mean, how will
I ever know unless I try it?

We're all here. It's kinda hot.

It's getting less hot the more you talk.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

CHE: Ooh, is that a yes?

Yes.

[CHE AND LYLE CHUCKLING]

Oh, yeah.

- [HEAVY BREATHING]
- [MOANING]

♪ ♪

[CHE CHUCKLING]

- Ow, ow, ow! Charley horse! Ow!
- Oh! No, no, no!

- Ow, ow, ow! Oh, that's bad!
- What's wrong, what's wrong?!

[GROANING] Um... ow...

I just...

You know what, guys? [STAMMERS]

This just isn't me, so just, just...

You should... you should carry on.

Seriously, I'm, I'm,
I'm, I'm good with it.

Ow! f*ck! Ow.

f*cking hell. Ow.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hey...

you really didn't have
to stop. I meant that.

Oh, I know... but I missed you.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Aww.

- [MIRANDA GROANS]
- Oh, God.

[CHE GRUNTS, LAUGHS]

There we go. Yeah. [LAUGHS]

BOTH: Oh!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

If you're calling to ask to be
my wing-man at "Vivante!",

the answer is yes.

Oh, no, I couldn't come to that.

You know what they say,
never meet your heroes.

Do they also say, "Never ask
your old boss to plug your book?"

Because, um...

I might not be brave enough
to pull that off today.

Okay, that's why I called.
I sensed you'd cave.

Carrie, don't be afraid
to be transactional.

Enid's a work-contact, not a gal-pal.

- Uh, I'll do what I can.
- Do more.

You need this for your book sales.

And just don't get in any photo

near women with walkers.

That'd be a brand-k*ller for you.

Let's go, Rocco.

- Hello. Hello.
- Welcome.

Hi. Can we get a photo
of you three ladies?

Oh, I... N...

- D... Oh, uh...
- SHEILA: Yes.

Oh, no, I don't wanna...

My hair is so... No, no, no.

Thank you, but thank you.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

♪ ♪

Oh.

Can I, um...

Do you need any help?

Do I look like I need help?

[QUIETLY] Kinda.

So, tell me when you need
me to do the thing, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay. All right.

- That's Gloria Steinem.
- Oh, my gosh!

Hello, hello, hello.

- Oh!
- Hi, how are you?

GUEST: That was Gloria Steinem!

- Enid, hi.
- Hi.

- Thank you for including me.
- Well, when I got

the idea for "Vivante!"

the first name that I thought
of was Carrie Bradshaw.

And, um... Oh, hello.

That's Jane Rosen. [SOFTLY] Money.

Uh, I should say hello.
You and I will talk later.

Oh, great! And, and
because just to circle back

to our earlier conversation,

the one that we were,

you know, having at
breakfast the other day...

Carrie! Carrie, hello!

- Oy.
- Oh, you know Bitsy von Muffling?

Just tangentially, through my boyfriend.

She's only here 'cause
she has deep pockets.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

- Hi.
- I don't know what this afternoon

is gonna cost me, but it's worth it.

- [CARRIE LAUGHS]
- Gloria Steinem!

- Oh, I saw her. She walked past me.
- Oh, I know!

- You look very pink. Pretty...
- You... Well, thank you.

- [CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me, everyone.
- CARRIE: Oh, oh, oh.

ENID: Ladies, welcome.

I think this might be
the greatest gathering

of female minds since Eleanor Roosevelt

had dinner alone at the White House.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Which we know she did often
because she wasn't a lot of fun.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Let's get seated so we can begin.

So, what do you think
of Marlon Schaffer?

Oh. Oh, are y... You're
the little birdie?

- Tweet-tweet.
- Oh.

Well, ever since I saw you so, so sad

in the nail salon that day,

I wanted to do whatever
I could to cheer you up.

Isn't he wonderful?

Oh, I-I don't...

He doesn't exactly seem right for me.

Don't let the Albany
area code throw you.

He also has a place in town.

- Okay.
- And, Carrie, trust me,

the best way to get over someone
is to get under someone else.

You know, maybe I should
give this prime seat to...

And if you're going to get under
someone, it should be Marlon.

The best sex I've had since Bobby.

I mean, of course, no one could
please me in bed like my Bobby.

Oh, so attentive to my needs.

Mr. Broadway loved his lady. [LAUGHS]

My head is spinning.

I was always under the
impression that Bobby was gay.

He was! That's why he tried so hard.

- Oh.
- You know me.

I love a challenge.

Clearly unfinished
business with my father. Hm.

Oh, Bitsy, I so appreciate
it, really, I do,

but I'm, I-I'm, I'm doing much better.

Don't be hasty!

Ladies around town call
Marlon "the human tripod"

'cause it's like he has three legs.

- GUEST: Do you need a seat, Catherine?
- My God. Oh!

- Would you like this...?
- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I... No, I see one way over there.

You have a seat.

So, when Enid told me about "Vivante!"

I thought it sounded like a revolution,

and every revolution
starts with a conversation,

which is why we are here.

This is the way "Ms." magazine started.

Can't believe it was
a half-century ago.

- Oh, my God. [LAUGHS]
- [ALL EXCLAIMING]

GLORIA STEINEM: So, maybe
the new frontier is aging.

So, this is our new frontier
and you are it, folks.

We live longer than men,

which we don't mean to do, actually.

[LAUGHTER]

Uh, but for all of us, women and men,

with our much longer life
expectancy in this world...

I think we're beginning
to see all kinds of new possibilities.

And the more we understand that,
the more we stop being divided

by age, and race, and
culture, and, and gender.

- I love you. I love you so much.
- [HARRY MOANING]

I love you, baby. I love you.

- Ooh, ooh!
- [MOANING]

How'd we do? How'd we do?

Happy Fourth of July.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Oh! Wow, gosh.

- There's probably no original way...
- Talk or go!

Oh, sorry. No, you go. Sorry.

- Oh, I think we should...
- Here, guess we'll... Yeah, over here.

There's really no... Ooh, I'm sor...
Oh, here. Ooh, 's-scuse me. Sorry.

Anyway, there's, like I said,

no original way to say this,

but, so, just thank you.

Thank you. I have admired
you my entire life.

Well, I guess that means we
care about the same things.

I would like to think so, yes.

And I'm not proud to admit,
but I almost didn't come today

because I thought that...
maybe I didn't quite belong.

I'm afraid I'm still battling
my own deep-seated ageism.

We're all battling that.

But we are at the age of

- our minds, not our wombs, hello.
- Yes. Yes, exactly. [LAUGHS]

- Excuse me.
- Ooh.

The "Vivante!" photographer
is desperate for you.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- CARRIE: Oh, thank you.

- We'll meet again.
- Okay. I hope so. Thank you. Wow. Wow.

Oh, my gosh, Enid, hi.

Wow. This is... This
was thrilling, really.

I would be honored to
write for "Vivante!"

Oh, I don't want you to write
a thousand words about purses.

I want you to give $ , .

Uh... pardon me?

We're asking founding
donors to give $ , .

So, I'm, I... I'm not
here because of my age,

I'm here because of my deep pockets?

Due to tragic circumstances,

your pockets recently
got deeper, so, yes.

Well, Enid... if I gave you $ , ,

- I'd have to give everyone $ , .
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

- Touché.
- Hm.

What if I put you in "Ask Enid,"

how much would you be
comfortable investing?

Enid, I'm heading out.

Um, forgive me for asking.

Would you mind terribly being
in a photo with Enid and me?

- I would love that.
- Oh, wow, okay.

- Would you take it?
- SHEILA: Oh, absolutely.

- Oh, thank you. There you go.
- All righty.

- Okay, ladies.
- Okay, all right. Here we are.

- We'll do this fast, sorry.
- Ready for picture.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Fabulous. Fabulous.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much, Gloria.

Bye. Safe home.

Let me eyeball that,
I've been b*rned before.

- Sure, turn it the other way.
- Oh.

Uh...

Carrie?

Are you schtupping my boyfriend?

W-What? W-Why would you even ask that?

This is my Marlon's pecker.

Why would you have this
if you weren't dating him?

Oh. No, no, no, no.

Someone was trying to set me
up with him, and I said no.

I, I would never date a man that old.

But I would?

So... let's circle back to what
we were talking about before.

Before you called me old?

So, how much did you say you wanted?

I don't think I have my
checkbook with me today,

- but...
- PayPal works.

Okay, yeah.

I don't use PayPal much, so.

And just like that, Enid
and I became PayPals.