03x07 - T.A. or Not T.A.

[bunniefuu]

[clippers buzz]

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't get too happy with those clippers.

Man, you always say that

and I always get it right.

And you get it right 'cause I always say,

"don't get too happy with those clippers."

Now time is running out

on our little Economics class report.

We have to create and run

a small business.

I got one.

Hood Safaris.

Hood Safaris?

Yeah. It's an expedition for white people

who will swim with sharks,

climb Mount Everest,

explore active volcanoes,

but are afraid to go to the hood

for good barbecue.

Hold on to that one.

We just gotta find something

we're good at. Head down.

Guys, it's obvious what you should do.

Cut hair.

Cutting hair is a business.

People pay for haircuts.

You see where I'm going?

I give up.

That was fun.

I love doing that to her.

♪ Every day's another lesson ♪

♪ And my head's in a whirl ♪

♪ If I make a wrong decision ♪

♪ It's not the end of the world ♪

♪ I will reach my destination ♪

♪ Make mistakes from a to z ♪

♪ With each mistake there's a new lesson ♪

♪ I can be anything you want to be ♪

-♪ Never experiencing a dumb phase

-Smart guy ♪

♪ He's ahead of the game at a young age ♪

♪ The intelligence of a grown man ♪

♪ Trapped inside of a young brain ♪

♪ He's a bit on the short side ♪

♪ But stands tall when you show the ball ♪

♪ That's why I'm hanging

With the smart guy ♪

♪ AKA Mr. Know-It-All ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

The usual.

The usual it is. Ten bucks.

Wait. The usual's usually free.

Sorry, Pops, but see,

we had to open up a business

for our Economics class.

See, now we gotta charge you.

Alright. Ten bucks it is.

Hey, I got in!

Eight bucks.

I--I got into the Mensa Society.

[chuckles]

What? Are you gonna be buried at sea?

No, that's the Neptune Society.

The Mensa's a club for people

with genius IQ's.

I took the test and I got in.

Congratulations.

So, uh, what sort of smarty art stuff

do they ask you?

Stuff like,

"If it were two hours later,

it would be half as long until midnight

as it would be if it were one hour later.

What time is it now?"

:. Give me another one.

The answer is p.m.

I was with you, Mo.

Mm-hmm.

Well, looks like you and Mensa are made

for each other.

They've invited me to come

to their next meeting

for junior members this Saturday.

You wanna go with me, Dad?

Uh, I'll drop you off, but I don't think

that's my kind of party.

You know, most of those parents

are like college professors

and scientists and Ph.D. types.

Oh, no, Dad, it doesn't work like that.

You had a genius kid and you're no Ph.D...

Not to say that--

No, no, no. It's--it--it...

I understand.

Just give me a pow and I'll take it.

$..

Alright, son,

I know you've been raised

amongst regular city dwellers,



but now it's time for you

to join your own.

Go on. Be smart.

Hi. I'm Hillary.

Hey. I'm Floyd.

I haven't seen you here before.

Nah. It's my first time here.

I don't know quite what I'm supposed

to be doing, really.

Oh. Well, let me give you a tip.

On the drive home, don't ask your kid,

"What did you talk about?"

You're just asking for trouble.

Heh. Tell me about it.

I tried to ground my son for

not doing his chores

and he tried to prove to me,

using Nietzschian Philosophy,

that good and bad were indistinguishable.

So what'd you do?

I told him,

"That's why you don't get to play

with the Nietzsche kid."

So did he go to his Mother

to try to overrule you?

Oh, I'm a widower. About four years now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm a single parent too.

Well then, I guess

I found somebody to talk to.

That's why I wear all black.

It's an expression

of the omnipresence of death

and the pointlessness of existence.

You ever had Ovaltine?

No.

You should try it.

Perks you right up.

Hey, thanks.

Oh, there's Blake.

I was so happy for a moment.

Ha ha. I know what you're thinking.

Yes, I am Blake Jordan.

Then, yes, I am T.J. Henderson.

The others have probably

told you about me.

Not yet, but I'm sure they were

building to it.

Yes, well, Blake Jordan

is a large and complex subject.

Isn't that nice?

Well, it's refreshing

to have some new blood in here.

Come, you can regale me

with your little life.

Real estate, huh?

Yes. I specialize

in distressed properties.

As in, "So distressed

they might need a new roof?"

Sometimes.

Oh. Well, let me ratchet up the charm

and show you my business card.

So, Dad, you ready to go?

Hey, hey, hey, little buddy.

Wait just a minute.

There's somebody I want you to meet.

This is Ms. Jordan.

Jordan? You don't have

a son named Blake, do you?

Yes. Have you had the pleasure

of meeting him?

Pleasure? I can't honestly say I have.

Hi, Mom. Hi, T.J.

Oh, Blake Jordan.

I'm so bad with names.

-Let's go, uh...

-Dad.

That's it. See?

You know what? I've got a great idea.

Why don't you and I go out next weekend.

We can look at some properties.

And that way, Blake could come over

and hang out with T.J.

Doesn't that sound great?

Goody.

Car. Car coming.

[chuckles] Here it is.

It's slowing down.

It's our first customer.

It's slowing down. It's stopping.

It's stopped. It's going.

It--it's going.

Why do they keep doing that?

Maybe because there's a stop sign there.

Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Customer.

[clears throat]

Hello. Hello. Welcome to the Chop Shop,

where your head is in Mo's hands.

Hello there.

So, uh, what style would the lad like?

We have a variety. We have the Denzel...

Hey, hold on. Hold on,

Mo Scissorhands. Relax.

You don't want to scare

the nice lady away.

Hello, Hillary, Blake.

I see you've met my son,

Marcus and his associate, Mo

and they got a little project

going here for school.

Help a student out?

Oh, T.J., Blake's here!

Hey, Blake.

[speaking Japanese] Konnichi-wa, T.J.-San .

Back at ya.

Which, in Japanese, is "A na tamo."

So how long will you be gone exactly?

Just a couple hours.

You guys have a good time.

So what's there to do around here?

You can get your hair cut.

Mo's really good.

Yeah, I could tell by his prime location

and mobs of customers.

Get yourself another guinea pig, Figaro.

-Boy...

-Boy...

I--I'll take him inside.

-You may be saving a life.

-No.

Eh, I-I just don't understand

Why we don't have any customers, man.

Let's see, we followed the teacher's model

for advertising your own business.

Let's see. We created a name and a slogan.

Check.

-I designed and printed out the flyers.

-Check.

You handed out the flyers.

I'll be right back.

Man, this computer's slow.

What's your hard drive,

a hamster and a wheel?

There's nothing wrong with my computer.

If you say so.

So, you got an indoor bathroom

or is your plumbing

as out of date as this antique?

We use the gas station

about five blocks down.

Better get going. There might be a line.

Hey, guys.

Thought you might like

some lemonade and cookies.

Mmm. I love cookies,

especially chocolate chip. [chuckles]

Hi. I'm Blake.

You seeing anyone?

No.

You could be.

I'm not sure we're quite compatible.

Typical woman.

So you're threatened

by a man with a high IQ.

Why am I not surprised?

Wow.

Have fun, T.J.

No, no. Stay.

No, no. Go.

You just charm everybody, don't you?

[Floyd] T.J.! We're home!

Hey, our folks are home!

Don't want to keep them waiting!

I finally got this dinosaur running.

They'll wait.

Hey, Blake, your Mom's calling you.

[imitating Hillary] Oh, Blake, darling!

Come see what Mother's brought you.

Oh, I don't know about you,

but I wanna see what she bought.

Hey.

Hi, Ms. Jordan. Did you have a nice time?

Where's my Dad?

He's in the kitchen making coffee.

Coffee? That means you'll be here

a while longer,

so Blake'll be here a while longer.

Good, good. Excuse me.

You're making coffee. Why?

Well, it's gonna give Hillary and I

a chance to talk a little more.

And I'll tell you a secret, man to man.

I think I like her.

Maybe you're just giddy at the prospect

of lots of new business.

You shouldn't confuse the two.

No, I mean I like her.

And I think I'm gonna be spending

a lot more time with her.

Is that okay with you?

Well, yeah, if you like her.

Yeah.

Well, look, I know it means you'll be

seeing a little less of me,

but hey, you'll be seeing

a lot more of Blake.

Well, whoo hoo.

Wow, you guys are a real success.

Why are you so surprised?

I mean, it was your idea.

It was my idea, but it was in your hands

and that's never a safe bet.

We're booked all weekend, Missy.

Oh guys, I thought you should know,

when I was getting my hair cut yesterday--

Hey, how come you didn't come here?

Yeah.

So the girl who cuts my hair,

she said that her boss, Mr. Jerome,

heard about you cutting hair

for half the price

and he's not too happy about you cutting

into his business.

Uh-oh. Mr. Jerome's

gonna have a hissy fit.

Oopsy daisy. Mr. Jerome's all frazzled.

Uh-oh. Look out.

He gonna come down here and talk to us.

Just so you know.

Hey, don't worry about it, girl.

We on top of this.

Well, I was thinking we could go out

on Saturday night.

Yeah, you know, some fancy place

where they're always bugging you

with a pepper mill.

Well, great.

Yeah. I'll pick you up at :.

And, uh, wear something to make

the other guys jealous.

Heh.

So who was that, Ernie?

You're going out with Hillary again, huh?

Dad, I did not know you

had that kind of game.

Well, I can still romance a lady...

when I remember how.

[laughing]

Too bad the woman's the Mother of Satan.

Well, at least you don't have to play

with Rosemary's Baby .

I'm really happy for Dad that he found

a woman that he likes,

but that kid is a problem.

What are we gonna do?

Although it pains me to say this,

I think we're gonna have to try

to get along with him.

Eww.

Since when did you become so reasonable?

Well, Dad likes her

and he's entitled

to his share of happiness.

After all, he did give me life.

So the least I could do is try

to get along with Blake.

But after this...

we're even.

What are you doing?

Ah, just rigging up a spy camera.

Oh, that's cool.

So, what are we spying on?

[chuckles] A heavenly body

in the constellation of Yvette.

Uh, her bathroom's one window over, right?

You're peeping at my sister?

You can't peep at my sister. That's gross.

Well, I certainly didn't strip down

your video camera

to spy on squirrels.

You took apart my camera?

I got that for Christmas.

I'll put it back together.

Just hook the cord to the monitor

and tell me when the eagle has landed.

Gimme that.

Hey. I'll give it to you

when I'm finished.

You'll give it to me now.

-Hey, come on. Come on, give it.

-No!

No.

Oh, my.

You broke my camera.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Get your Dad to buy you a new one.

He can't just buy another camera.

They're expensive.

Oh, yeah, that's right. He's a roofer.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ahh. I'm sorry.

He's probably working real hard,

saving up and making sacrifices...

just so your brother can

be shampoo boy at a barber shop.

You know, Blake, smart kids like us

get a rap for being really snotty,

condescending little jerks.

And I don't want you to take this

the wrong way,

but it's completely because of you.

Oh, T.J.

Very tart.

Look, I'm sure we won't have to put up

with each other much longer.

Very soon, my Mother will realize

your Dad is a big, sweaty chump.

Look, you can insult me, my computer,

my camera and anything else I own,

but don't you dare talk about my family,

you Clarence Thomas wannabe.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but names will never hurt me.

You know, Blake...

I don't happen to have a stick handy,

so this'll have to do.

[gasps]

You hit him?

He was horrible. He called you a roofer.

I am a roofer!

You had to hear it in context.

He insulted our family.

Well, I'm sure his Mother's talking to him

about that right now.

If she can get a word in.

Hey, you know fighting is not the way

we settle disagreements.

We talk things out.

Now, you go upstairs and start working

on an apology.

I think we should use

a low pH conditioner.

Check out those skin blotches.

No, no, no.

See, I think that's a short term fix.

Now, see, what we need here is a medicated

conditioner with aloe.

I mean, look at all this scaling

and-and peeling.

Well, my lunch is done.

[doorbell rings]

Oh. I'll get it.

I just think that

a medicated conditioner is ill-advised.

It could result in hair loss.

Brother, he had

his hair styled like Al Sharpton.

You gotta expect some breakage.

Yeah, you're right.

Uh, fellas, there's a Mr. Jerome

here to see you

and he seems rather perturbed.

Uh-oh. Perturbed hair stylist

on a rampage.

-Hide the hair spray.

-[high-pitched] Aah!

Guys, guys, come on now. This is serious.

Are you coming out?

[effeminate] Well, we're busy,

but you could just tell Mr. Jerome he

could come on in here.

-Come on in.

-Mr. Jerome, come on in.

-What? What?

-What? What?

What?

Are you two Marcus and Mo?

Uh, uh, nah.

In fact, they-they d*ed.

Look, you guys are running a business

without a license

and I want you to stop

or I'll have the police deal with it.

And if they won't deal with it,

then I'll have to deal with it

and you don't want me to deal with it.

Well, brother, I see you haven't heard

about our going-out-of-business sale.

Yeah, it's our last customer right here.

Yeah, in fact, he's done.

You look good, man, just like James.

See, it was just a project for school.

Yeah, I think we've done

enough to get a "C."

[Mo] Yeah, that's good.

Would you be interested in a barber chair?

It's free.

[doorbell rings]

-Hey.

-Hi.

Come on in. Boy, hey, you look great.

-So do you.

-Thanks.

So, how's Blake?

Oh, he's fine.

I dropped him off at my sister's.

I didn't want a repeat

of last night's excitement.

Yeah, I-I think it's probably a good idea

to give them both a little time off.

And, by the way, I really want

to apologize for T.J. again.

-I don't know what got into him.

-Oh no need to apologize.

These things happen from time to time.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess they do.

But what you might want to do though,

is have him see a therapist.

A therapist?

That's funny.

No, I'm serious.

T.J. Is obviously

repressing lots of emotion.

He just doesn't know what to do

with all of his displaced anger.

That's because he doesn't have

any anger to displace.

Well, it's always hard for a parent

to recognize the warning signs

when it's his own child.

I recognize warning signs when they exist,

but in this case,

there's nothing to recognize.

Glass of wine?

Oh, Floyd, you're in denial.

Because I don't recognize warning signs

that don't exist?

You are really threatened by this.

Your child hits another boy

and you pretend that there is no problem.

Look, I'm not condoning what T.J. did,

but what Blake said was pretty nasty.

-Blake told me what he said to T.J.

-And--

And with T.J.'s level of anger,

he probably misunderstood it for nasty.

Well, he shouldn't have said it.

I have always taught Blake

to speak his mind.

Well, there's a little thing called tact.

You ought to teach him that too.

Blake is an extraordinary child

and I won't put boundaries

on his self-expression.

Well, you better put

some boundaries on him

before a kid bigger than T.J.

expresses himself upside Blake's head.

You know what? It is obvious

where T.J. gets his temper from.

And it's obvious where

Blake got to be such a load.

As far as I'm concerned,

this evening's over.

Get to gettin'.

Okay, Dad.

Here's a letter I wrote to Blake

saying I'm really sorry I hit him,

even though he deserved it.

And this one is to Mrs. Jordan

'cause i know what a nice lady she is

and how much you like her and...

Where is she?

She's gone. We had a fight.

Did you hit her?

No.

'Cause you can use my letter if you did.

Thanks, T.J., but I don't think

a letter's gonna do any good.

I don't think she's gonna want

to see me anymore.

It's my fault, isn't it?

I wanted to like Blake. I really did,

but even Gandhi would

have taken a poke at him.

Look, it's not your fault.

She and I just have some very different

views on parenting.

I mean, we talked about you and Blake

and what happened and what to do about it

and we just didn't agree at all.

So it was my fault.

Well... I guess in a way, you know,

but I'm not heartbroken.

How come you didn't tell me

that you and Blake

were having so many problems?

Because you liked his Mom so much.

You had one chance at happiness

and I destroyed it.

Well, I think I still got

a couple more chances

before I gotta clean my teeth in a cup.

You come with so much baggage.

I mean, say you meet another woman

and I get along with her kid,

-Mm-hmm.

-But Yvette doesn't or Marcus doesn't...

-Or Mo.

-Mo is not one of my kids.

He might as well be. He never goes home.

[laughing]

Look, T.J...

it's just that when you're putting

together two different families,

sometimes it takes a little luck

and a little work

and Hillary just didn't strike me

as the type of woman who's willing

to do any work.

So, it really wasn't my fault.

Nah. It wasn't your fault.

In fact, my punching Blake

revealed an inherent flaw

in the adult relationship,

saving you time and money,

courting a woman you had no future with.

I should get rewarded, not grounded.

I will settle for nothing less

than full exoneration

and a new video camera.

I'll give you a TV dinner in your room

and I'll let you out to wash the dishes.

I accept.

Welcome to Marcus and Mo's Hood Safari.

Today we'll be venturing

to Miss Kissy's Hickory Hut Barbecue

on th Avenue,

deep in the heart of the hood.

Now, there's nothing to fear,

except for stereotypes

perpetuated by the media.

Uh, please sign this waiver.

It absolves Hood Safari

of any liability, okay?

Please sign this waiver.

Thank you.

Now, you will order a rib tip sandwich,

potato salad and a sock-it-to-me cake.

Get in, get out and do not ask

what type of oil it was cooked in.

Now, if you are not back

on the van in minutes,

we will leave you, okay?

Let's go have some fun in the hood.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.