03x14 - From A to Double D

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe we had to sit through

two hours of that stinking play

and Yvette only had three stinking lines.

Get it out of your system now.

Once she comes down,

we couldn't be more proud of her.

Hi, everybody. Thanks so much for coming

even though I had

a ridiculously small part.

Hey, there are no small parts.

Although yours came perilously close.

Well, I was the understudy to the lead.

That Lisa is terrible.

She couldn't act her way

out of a paper bag.

I don't care if this is community theater,

how does somebody like that get the lead?

I can think of two very good reasons.

I was always thinking to get

into the acting game,

maybe she can give me some tips.

I did say tips, did I?

Excuse us!

Look, honey, in the end,

talent will always win out.

You really believe that?

I said what I said.

Let's go see if we can

peel these boys off of Lisa.

♪ Every day's another lesson ♪

♪ And my head's in a whirl ♪

♪ If I make a wrong decision ♪

♪ It's not the end of the world ♪

♪ I will reach my destination ♪

♪ Make mistakes from A to Z ♪

♪ With each mistake there's a new lesson ♪

♪ I can be anything you want to be ♪

-♪ Never experiencing a dumb phase

-Smart guy ♪

♪ He's ahead of the game at a young age ♪

♪ The intelligence of a grown man ♪

♪ Trapped inside of a young brain ♪

♪ He's a bit on the short side ♪

♪ But stands tall when you show the ball ♪

♪ That's why I'm hanging

With the smart guy ♪

♪ AKA Mr. Know-It-All ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

So apparently in theater,

an actress gets the lead in a play

when she's got breasts halfway

out to the snack bar.

Yvette, you're almost years old.

If you'd spend any

of that time on planet Earth,

you'd know that the theater

isn't the only place

that favors large chests.

I mean, it's practically

every area of society.

Certainly country music.

You know, I'd like to think

that intelligence

and personality still count for something.

Good for you.

You're in my way.

Sorry, Tucker. I didn't see you there.

Surprised you didn't

hear me coming, jug ears.

Jug ears... that never gets old.

Until right now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, jug ears doesn't like it

when we call him jug ears.

What else can we call jug ears?

Donkey ears?

That's the one.

See you later, donkey ears.

What's up with them, man?

Were they bothering you?

No, Tucker's just being

his usual jerky self

calling me names and stuff.

What, like brainiac, double-dome?

No.

Egghead, Poindexter, smarty-arty?

They're not making fun of my intelligence.

Oh, it was the short thing, huh?

Shrimp toast, little smokey, short stack--

My ears! They were making fun of my ears!

Well, that's cold.

You want us to handle it?

No, no, they're seniors.

In a few years, they'll graduate.

Hi.

Yeah.

I'm here to pick up the audition

scenes for the new play.

I'm hoping to play Bernadette.

That's the lead part.

Yes it is.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Lisa, my goodness. How you doing, baby?

How you doing?

Here, these are for you.

No, I'm not auditioning.

I'm getting my letter

of recommendation from the director.

I'm moving to New York.

Oh, wow, that's great.

Yeah, things have really turned

around for me since last June.

Oh, what happened last June?

These.

And by these you mean... those?

Yeah. Dr. Leo Fineman is a magician.

So you really think

they made a difference?

Oh, yeah.

Since I got them,

I've been doing local commercials,

print ads, tool calendars.

I even got an agent in New York.

Really.

But I know that all the cup

sizes in the world

wouldn't make a difference

if I didn't have the talent

to back them up.

Yep.

Here comes the boy.

Um, you mind? You're blocking my locker.

Oh, well, we'll move out of your way

in just a minute, player,

but see, there's something

that we need to talk to you about first.

And we want you to listen real closely

with them tiny, little ears of yours.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, hold on.

Hey, Tucker, nice to see you.

Love the shirt.

Can I have a word with you two?

What's up?

I know what you're doing and stop it.

Look, man, we just want to give him

a dose of his own medicine.

I thought we was going to hit him.

As much as I appreciate your

well-intentioned thuggery,

you'll only make it worse.

Then he'll start teasing me

about being a wuss.

Now, go to class.

Learn something.

I can take care of myself.

I don't know... having surgery

to alter your appearance?

I mean, don't you agree

it's better to accept who you are

rather than trying to be

something artificial?

Oh my God! What did you have done?

Only a nose job.

But you should have seen me before.

I mean, I looked like that bird

on the Froot Loops box.

I never would have guessed.

Well, Dr. Fineman is a magician.

Look, I just think if you're

not happy with something,

you either learn to live with it

or you change it.

Alright, what part of your body

do you want altered... hips?

No, actually, I was thinking--

what's wrong with my hips?

Nothing. Nothing.

I'm just the guy pushing the buttons.

Tell me what you want.

Well, I kind of want to see what the, um,

upper area would look like

if it was sort of bigger.

When you say upper area,

what are you talking about?

Your shoulders? Your neck?

Oh! Your... oh!

Push the button.

That's nice. Good size.

How big can we make them?

Big enough to put an eye out.

Go for it.

I can't see your head anymore.

Okay, okay deflate them a bit.

Less Dolly Parton and more

Vanessa Williams.

Can you send a letter through the email?

I got to get this proposal to a client.

Hello!

I thought I blocked these websites.

Dad, it's not a website. It's Yvette.

Okay.

I don't know what's going on here,

but I know it's not good.

Dad, you know how you were asking me

what I wanted as a graduation present?

Well, I think this is it.

And she's not talking about the computer.

T.J., why don't you step out of the room?

I don't think this

conversation's for your ears.

What's wrong with my ears?

They're in this room. Take them outside.

Oh. Nothing wrong with my ears.

I'm just thinking about getting

a breast augmentation.

It's no big deal.

No, buying a new toaster is no big deal.

Buying a new chest, that's a big deal.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Oh, I understand. I understand completely.

I just don't understand why you want

to do something like this.

Look, you're, um... uh... uh...

They're fine.

You're my Father.

You'd prefer if I didn't have any,

uh... uh... um... at all.

That's not true.

We dealt with this when you were .

When they first, um, appeared.

Yeah and not much of me

has changed since then.

And I realize that if I ever want

to get the lead in a play,

this is what I need.

This is not what you need.

You are perfect.

You just need to be happy with who you are

and accept what nature's given you.

Nature lost interest in me

and moved on to Tyra Banks.

Look, you're talking

about surgery, Yvette.

It's not like I'm getting

a heart transplant.

Look, you're still having surgery.

Now you're putting something

foreign in your body.

That could have nasty side effects.

The articles that I've read in magazines

say that they're okay now.

-Yeah, now. What about years from now?

-Dad.

Look, Yvette, I'm still your Father

and you're still my daughter

and I'm not going to let you do it.

Well, you know something?

I'm going to be soon

and an adult and if I decide

I'm gonna do this, I'll do it.

Good morning.

Morning.

Listen, honey, [ahem]

I've been thinking

about breasts all night.

I mean, yours.

[stammering] I mean- I mean, big ones.

Let's start over.

Orange juice?

Sure. Thanks.

It's just that I don't want you feeling

that, just because you're

not built like a supermodel,

that you're not a good person.

I don't think that, Dad.

And I just worry that that's the reason

why you want to run off

like all these other women

and get plastic surgery.

Actually, Dad, it's not just

women who are running off.

Men account for %

of cosmetic procedures.

And it's growing.

Thank you.

But I don't think that's relevant.

Actually, Dad, it is.

'Cause I'm thinking of getting

plastic surgery myself.

It's called otoplasty...

having my ears pinned back.

There's this Dr. Fineman.

I hear he's a magician.

What's wrong with your ears?

I love your ears.

-They stick out.

-I love the way they stick out.

Nobody else does.

At least you've got something

that sticks out.

We're not talking about

your small breasts now.

We're talking about my big ears.

Look at the influence you're

having on your brother.

Don't blame her. It's your fault.

My fault?

You passed down these ears

from some misshapen relative of yours.

What about the brains

I passed down to you?

Nobody at school

is making fun of my brains, Dad.

They're making fun of you?

Oh, it's just some guys. No big deal.

Now, look, son,

everybody gets teased about something,

but that doesn't mean you go

and get surgery to solve the problem.

Now, if some jerks are bothering you,

then you got to learn

to turn the other cheek.

If I turn the other cheek,

they'll get a better view

of this satellite dish.

Bullies only hassle you

to get a rise out of you.

If you don't react,

they'll leave you alone.

Just try it, would you?

Okay, but if this doesn't work,

I'm paging Dr. Fineman.

So I pitched the idea

of a boob job to my Father

as a graduation gift.

What did he say?

He'd prefer I never graduate.

I know what will make you feel better.

After school, buy you a quart

of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

You know, the fat's gotta go somewhere.

Yeah, but not quick enough.

I've got auditions

for the new play this afternoon.

Yeah, but with Lisa out of the picture,

you should have a better sh*t.

I don't know.

There might be another

pair of Lisas out there.

I need to even the playing field.

Hey, sideshow boy.

Whatcha got under the hat?

Whoa, they grew.

Want your hat back?

Hey, look, he's trying to ignore us.

Like that's gonna save him.

[bell rings]

Don't worry, Dumbo. We'll be back.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

What's wrong, little man?

Your locker pick a fight with you again?

No. It was just Tucker.

Dad's advice didn't work.

Of course it didn't.

What advice did he give you?

Ignore them and they'll go away.

Maybe on Leave it to Beaver .

Look, there are other ways,

my young friend.

We call the technique... the dozens.

The what?

The dozens. Snaps.

Look, man, if you want to trade

insults with somebody,

you got to hit 'em where it hurts.

Watch the masters.

-Yes!

-Yes!

Look here, man,

your Mama's hair is so short,

when she rolls it, she uses rice.

Your Daddy, he got a wooden leg

with a wheel on it,

he run like this.

Yo Mama is so fat,

last time she saw ,

it was on the bathroom scale.

-Yes!

-Yes!

Okay, let me try. Your computer is so old,

you're still using a DOS operating system.

Huh? Huh?

This is gonna take a while, man.

Yeah. Yeah.

Your Mother is so obese?

Yo Mama.

Your Mama.

-Yo.

-Yo.

-Mama.

-Mama.

-Yo Mama.

-Your Mama.

Yo Mama's so wrinkled,

she has to screw her hat on.

Do we have to end with a preposition?

Forget the prepositions. Now concentrate!

What's a preposition?

Yo Mama is so ugly,

when she goes to the beach,

cats try to bury her.

Well, yo family is so poor,

I stepped on a lit cigarette

in your living room

and your family said,

"Who turned off the heat?"

Oh, yeah? Well, yo Mama's so fat,

when she jumped in the air, she got stuck.

I'm just so darn proud.

Hi. I'm here to read for Bernadette.

Okay.

Uh... very good.

Here are your sides.

Can I get you something?

Something to drink? Water? A diet Coke?

Uh, yeah, water would be great.

Okay.

Hey, Yvette.

Hey.

Hey, Yvette!

I'm so glad to see you come

on board for this one.

Uh, are you going

to audition for Bernadette?

Oh, yeah. I thought I'd give it a try.

Good. Um, let me know when you're ready

and I'll move you up on the list.

I will. Thank you.

-Good luck.

-Thanks.

Uh, is your hair different?

It looks great.

"And I finally realized standing here

at the edge of the desert

where civilization--" Mo!

Oh, hey.

Hey. What are you doing here?

The way you've been talking about theater,

I've come to an appreciation

of the art of acting

and thought I might give it a try.

Is Lisa around?

She's not here, Mo.

She's not auditioning for this production.

Oh, well, I might as well audition anyway.

What part's good?

Does your character have a boyfriend?

Go away.

Where did you get those?

From the department store.

Are they too big?

No, no, they seem to be fine to me.

Could you occasionally look up?

Oh, sure.

Are they in proportion?

Gonna have to look down again.

Quickly!

No, they--they seem to be fine.

So you like me better this way?

No, I liked you fine before.

Well, which is it?

I like them small. No, I like them big.

What can I say?

I'm a fan of the whole genre.

I'm trying to make a decision

one way or another

as to whether or not I should

make them permanent.

Really? Hmm.

You're gonna be the same person, right?

Yeah.

Then I'm gonna like you no matter what.

So I think you should do

whatever makes you feel best.

I did say best, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

And thank you.

Good luck.

Well, if it isn't jug ears.

Back to that, huh?

You know what, Tucker?

You are so dumb,

you couldn't even pass a blood test.

You calling me dumb?

It's not your fault.

It runs in the family.

Yo Mama's so dumb, she thinks

the English channel is pay cable.

And yo Daddy's so ugly,

when he looked out the window,

he got arrested for mooning.

Don't you ever talk about

my Daddy getting arrested.

I'm sorry, man. I thought

we were just trading snaps.

Well, knock it off.

Did your Dad really get arrested?

He's doing time. So what?

Then I really am sorry.

You must be dealing

with abandonment issues,

which makes you feel angry and vulnerable,

so you lash out at those who are

as small and vulnerable as you feel.

I don't want to talk about it.

Tucker.

Look at me, Tucker.

Your Dad did something bad

and he went to jail.

That's his issue.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Do you believe me?

Yeah, I guess. It's just that

ever since he left,

my Mom, she expects me

to be the man of the house.

And that's not the role

you're ready to fill.

Yeah, I'm in high school--

[bell rings]

Oh, I'm sorry. That's all

the time I have for today.

Same time tomorrow?

Yeah.

Hey, honey. How was your audition?

I got the lead.

Hey, congratulations. You--whoa!

Where'd you get those?

Oh, these?

Yeah, those. What's going on?

Don't worry. They're removable.

I just had them in for the audition.

Hmm and you got the lead.

Well, I guess that proves your point.

Exactly. I'm the same actress

I was a month ago,

only now I have a star

on my dressing room door.

So you gonna be bugging me

to make these permanent?

I don't know.

I mean, I wore them because

I really wanted to get the lead.

And I got the lead.

Mm-hmm.

But now I just don't value

the part as much as I thought I would

because they got it and not me.

So, suddenly people

are treating you differently

because of how you're built

and you don't like it.

No, I kinda liked it.

People noticed me,

and they were nice to me

and I got out of a speeding ticket.

You were speeding?

I was excited I got the part.

And then I started to think

about it, you know

and I decided I don't want bigger breasts

just so I can get the lead in a play.

And I don't want bigger breasts

just so guys can look at me

and go "wuuhuh."

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

But it's kind of nice

having a little more on top.

You know, I like how I look,

I like how my clothes fit.

I feel more in proportion.

Please tell me what you're saying.

I'm saying if I'm this unsure,

I'm not gonna get them.

Thank you.

But if I ever did get them,

it would be because

I'm sure it's what I want.

Well, I accept your decision

because you arrived

at it thoughtfully and responsibly.

And it's exactly what I wanted to hear.

Thanks, Dad. You know what?

You handled this a lot better

than I thought you would.

Thank God I only got one daughter.

You just have to remember

that you are a worthwhile human being

and the world is a good

place if you want it to be.

Thanks, T.J.,

these sessions have really been helpful.

You have made a lot of progress.

I think you're ready to go out there

and be the caring human

being I know you are.

Hey, you, lard butt,

you're blocking the hall.

Uh, Tucker.

Yeah, you, next to pizza face.

Oh, well, at least he's off my case.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.