03x16 - It Takes Two

[bunniefuu]

What's crackin', dog?

Where have you been?

The Hack-man starts in three minutes.

Come on. I hear in the opening credits,

he kills somebody with a snow blower.

Why don't you go and get us some

seats? Tracy's parkin' the car.

Tracy?

You-- you brought Tracy?

She's comin' to the movie?

Yeah. Is that okay?

Sure... but I thought I was

doin' you a favor,

givin' you a night away from your girl

where you can kick it with your boy,

where you can scratch, burp, and...

take a long, hard look

at somethin' like that!

Hey, guys.

Hey! Would you look at that?

They're makin' another

grumpy old men movie.

This time they're at a dude ranch.

It's okay, Mo.

You can look at the girls...

as long as I get to look at the guys.

Yeah, you can look at

the guys all you want,

long as it's Walter Matthau

and Jack Lemmon.

Aren't you guys cute?

Let's go get our seats.

I think I hear the snow blower.

Um... Mo and I were thinking

we'd go see Patch Adams.

Why?

Because according to Moviephone,

"Robin Williams has the prescription

for the wintertime blues."

Press one.

But I thought we were goin'

to see Hack-man.

I want to see somebody get their eyes

sucked out with a shop vac.

That's okay. The movies play

at the same time.

You go see yours,

and we'll meet you after.

That's not what I came here for.

You just got added.

You just can't start changin' stuff.

Why don't you come see Patch with us?

He makes healin' hilarious.

No, thanks! I'm gonna see

the movie that we planned to see,

The Hack-man, a degenerate descent

into the sewer of our culture.

Okay.

Hey, kid. Listen, I got a extra ticket

to see Hack-man.

-You want to buy it?

-Cool!

Uh... you are over , right?

♪ Every day's another lesson ♪

♪ And my head's in a whirl ♪

♪ If I make a wrong decision ♪

♪ It's not the end of the world ♪

♪ I will reach my destination ♪

♪ Make mistakes from a to z ♪

♪ With each mistake there's a new lesson ♪

♪ I can be anything you want to be ♪

-♪ Never experiencing a dumb phase

-Smart guy ♪

♪ He's ahead of the game at a young age ♪

♪ The intelligence of a grown man ♪

♪ Trapped inside of a young brain ♪

♪ He's a bit on the short side ♪

♪ But stands tall when you show the ball ♪

♪ That's why I'm hanging

With the smart guy ♪

♪ AKA Mr. know-it-all ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

So, Mr. President,

your promise to correct the deficiencies

in the welfare reform bill

have gone woefully unfulfilled.

Hey. It's your turn to set the table, T.J.

[shushing]

The disenfranchised people

you have betrayed

will rise up and demand

their pound of flesh.

And it will be yours.

You have been warned, Mr. President.

T.J. Henderson.

Hmm. That ought to light a fire

under his cheatin' Arkansas butt.

What are you doing threatening

the president?

I'm not threatening him.

If this sounds like a thr*at,

that's what it is.

You're reading it out of context.

Well, the secret service

isn't big on context.

This is the sort of stuff that they flag.

But I'm just a kid.

They don't know that. For all they know,

you're some long-haired freak livin'

in a shack in Montana

with a homemade b*mb and a hundred cats.

They wouldn't think that...

would they?

They're paid to think that. If I were you,

I'd tone it down a bit before you send it.

I just sent it.

Try and get the top bunk in prison.

You know, I gotta admit,

this is kinda nice.

It's been a long time since we hung

out together.

Yeah, It's great, Dad. Listen,

If we see anybody that I know,

you're not with me, okay?

Gotcha.

Oh, I like that jacket.

I'm gonna get something like that.

Isn't that a little too rich

for your -cent-store blood?

First of all, I am this close

to winning a bid on a sweet

government contract,

which means I get vastly

overpaid for next to no work.

Second, when you have three kids,

the -cent store gonna

be your best friend.

Okay, since you'll probably

get some money,

why don't we go back to Macy's

and get that orange suit?

It's not for me, son.

Only people who wear clothes

like that are pimps and Sinbad.

Okay. Then why don't we head back--

She didn't!

-What are you doin'?

-[shushing]

Don't draw any attention to us.

If you'd get your head outta

my armpit, it'd help.

See that girl over there

with the red sweater?

That's Mo's girl.

So?

So she's not with Mo.

Well, maybe that's her brother.

Maybe they're from the deep south.

I knew there was somethin'

I didn't like about that girl!

Hey, you believe that?

So how long's Mo been goin' out with her?

Weeks. I mean, we don't even

spend time no more.

Why you think I'm here with you?

You don't understand

how a will works, do you?

Man, what am I gonna do?

I mean, I should tell him, right?

Well, maybe It's none

of my business, right?

But he'd want to know somethin'

about this, right?

How come you're not answerin' me?

I'm waitin' for you to take a breath.

Look, It's a tough call, son.

This kind of thing could blow

up in your face.

Happened to me in college.

My best friend, Warren Thomas.

caught his girl sneakin' around,

and I told him.

And?

He thought I was jealous,

and he never spoke to me again.

So I shouldn't tell him.

All I'm sayin' is proceed with caution.

Nobody comes out of this

situation a winner.

Mo might blow up at you, and that'd

be the end of your friendship.

Good-bye, Mo. No more hangin'

around at the house,

watchin' the TV,

eating out of my refrigerator,

why don't you give Mo a call?

T.J.

You know that summer

internship you signed up for

in the government behavioral

science program?

Yeah? Did I get in?

Not yet. More paperwork.

But I thought I filled

out all this paperwork.

I guess they just need more information.

Some government guy had me

on the phone for an hour.

Asked me all kinds of questions.

Government guy? What kind of questions?

Oh, like, how well-adjusted are you?

Do you have a lot of friends?

What'd you tell him? That you pretty

much keep to yourself...

You're kind of a loner.

Oh, perfect! I'm a loner!

Why don't you just tell him

I'm President of the S*ddam

Hussein fan club?

Are you?

No!

They even wanted to know what books

you check out from the library.

By the way, why did you check

out that book on gunpowder?

It was for science!

I was building a volcano!

I just told them you must

be fascinated by expl*sives.

Boom.

[chuckles]

Never.

Aw, That is so cute.

I'm glad that Mo met somebody.

She seems really good for him.

Yeah, she's good for a lot of guys.

Listen, Marcus, if this is just

some sleazy locker-room gossip,

I want to hear about it right now.

Dad and I saw that two-timin' little tramp

kissin' on some other guy the other night.

Are you serious?

Aw, poor Mo.

How are you gonna tell him?

Easy. I'm not.

What? You have to tell him!

You can't just let her use him

and lie to him like that.

You're his best friend.

Yeah, and I want to stay his best friend.

Now, experience tells me that if

I put myself in the middle of this,

nothin' but pain can come from it.

What experience?

Well, mostly Dad's.

Listen, Marcus,

if some girl was two-timin' you,

wouldn't you want Mo to tell you?

It all depends on how fine

she is and how big he is.

Ow!

Ohh! Don't scare me like that.

Sorry, son. I'm just ticked off.

The man got to me today.

What man? And who's this "man"

you're always talkin' about?

You know that government

contract I had all locked up?

The one I already signed

preliminary papers for?

The one they said was in the bag?

Well, there is no bag.

Bag's gone. Bag went to somebody else.

Now It's his bag.

What happened?

Well, apparently, my security clearance

was not as good as some other guy's.

I Pay my taxes! I vote!

So what If I'm a little late

on the student loan?

months isn't that long.

So you think that's the reason?

What else could it be?

I don't know! I didn't do anything!

I swear!

Six weeks in ROTC,

and this is the thanks I get.

Tell you what, next time,

I'm greasin' some palms,

'Cause that's what people understand.

You don't think that my letter

to the president...

you know... might've...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, great.

I'm an enemy of the state.

[imitating rap percussion]

Is this your hair scrunchie?

No. That's Tracy's.

Ah. Then, uh... these are probably

her pumps, too.

Yeah. I don't wear mine to school.

Look, what is her stuff doin' in here?

This is our locker.

Don't worry about it. I'm thinkin'

about building her a little shelf.

You gotta admit,

the locker smells a lot better.

Smell this scrunchie.

I don't know what the girl wears,

but it drives me nuts!

Yeah. It drives all the guys crazy.

I want to show you somethin'.

Take a look at this.

Bracelet I bought for Tracy.

Set me back $.

$? You still owe me five bucks!

I'll pay you. Besides, Don't you think

Tracy's worth it?

Well...

Well, what?

Well, it's just that--

What do you really know about her?

I know she's the best thing

that ever happened to me.

Yeah, I know it seems that way.

What are you gettin' at?

Well, what I'm gettin' at is...

speakin' as your friend...

you know, maybe you should take

it a little slower...

Get to know her better before

you drop two bills on her.

I know her. I'm with her all the time.

Not all the time.

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

[sighs]

It means she's not the person

who you think she is.

You just don't like her, do you?

That's not the point.

What I'm tryin' to tell you is--

What I'm tryin' to tell you is

I don't want to hear

what you're tryin' to tell me.

That's my girlfriend.

If you got a problem with her,

you got a problem with me.

So either get over it or get to walkin'.

What?

[high electronic whine]

What are you doing, T.J.?

[shushing]

[shouting] I'm just cleanin' up the room

like Dad, our father, asked me to do!

Keep America beautiful!

"The C.I.A. is bugging us"?

[shushing] Does not go on in

this great country of ours!

[shouting] You must be

thinking of red China,

where individual freedoms aren't

cherished as they are here!

T.J., you're crackin' up.

Ha ha! Whoo! Crackin' up. That's funny.

[music plays]

Look. I heard some clicking on the phone!

You know what that means?

They're tapping the lines!

They're trying to get more dirt

on me so they can take me away

to that m*llitary base in Nevada where they

keep all the aliens and the mermaid!

[music stops]

You... need... help.

[shouting] I don't think so!

I don't think there's anything wrong about

being passionate about my government!

I love this country,

and so does this family!

Boy, I'm tellin' you, the government's

a bunch of idiots.

You call down there to find out why your

bid got turned down, they cut you off.

See. Somebody ought

to teach them a lesson.

Oh, Dad... great impression

of an angry black man.

You know... why don't we say the pledge

of allegiance again?

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America.

Everybody!

Got a minute?

Yeah. Sure.

Look, I know there's some drama

between you and Tracy,

and you're both kind of competin'

for time with me,

but you're both big parts

of what makes Mo Mo.

So it'd mean a lot to me if you took

the time out to talk to her

and get over any differences

you might have.

Well... here's the thing.

-Tracy!

-That thing can wait.

I'm gonna leave you two here to get

to know each other better,

'cause I'm convinced that if you do,

you'll be the best of friends.

Don't try nothin', now.

So.

I guess Mo wants us to get along.

Yeah. You seem to have a knack

for gettin' along with guys...

If what I saw Tuesday night

was any example.

What do you mean?

I was people watching

near the dairy queen.

There must be somethin' about a dilly bar

that makes a person want to kiss

a guy who isn't Mo.

Oh, that.

Yeah. That.

Look. That was nothing.

It was just an old boyfriend.

It's no big deal.

I bet it'd be a big deal to Mo.

If you tell Mo, I'll just deny it.

Who do you think he's gonna believe?

I've been his friend

since the first grade.

I lick his ear.

I see your point.

It was a one-time thing,

and it's not gonna happen again.

I just don't want to see my boy

get hurt, alright?

Neither do I.

So the best thing to do

is to just bury the hatchet

and forget about what's past, okay?

Okay.

Marcus! Come here!

That guy. What do you think he's up to?

You mean that guy wearin' a jumpsuit

that says "Cable Interlink America"

Getting out of the van that says

"Cable Interlink America"

Carrying cable to the telephone pole?

Y-yeah. What do you think he's doing?

I don't know. Probably a Jehovah's

witness or somethin'.

Very funny. Don't you get it?

Cable Interlink America?

C... I... A?

They're wiring us for sound!

But he missed it Dad's roof and glue.

That ain't cool, man.

It's the letter I wrote to the president.

We gotta get outta here,

someplace nobody'd think to go.

Well, Beloved's playin'

at the dollar movie.

Perfect! Let's go!

Not that way! He'll see us!

Right behind you, Spiderman.

Let's sit on the aisle,

'cause once you get through

drinkin' that big barrel of soda,

you gonna have to go to the bathroom

every three minutes.

Hey! That's a good idea!

That way, if I have to get outta here,

I got a straight line to the exit.

There is really a fine line between

genius and insanity.

Oh, no!

"Oh, no" what?

Three rows down, to the left

of the white guy with the afro,

that's Mo's girl Tracy,

and she's not kissin' Mo.

If this is what goes on in R-rated movies,

I want to see all of 'em.

Doesn't want to hurt Mo, huh?

Two-timin' skeezer.

You gotta tell him!

He won't believe me. That girl's got him

lathered up like a race horse.

I gotta get him down here

so he can see it for himself.

Wait. What are you gonna say to him?

I don't know.

I'll think of something believable.

Okay! I'm here! Where's Tyra Banks?

I'm not sweatin', am I?

I ran all the way here.

Nah. Nah, y-you look fine.

Look, don't tell Tracy that I came.

I had to get out of a date

tonight 'cause I had to study.

I don't think she's gonna be too upset,

considering she's here with another guy.

What?

[sighs] See for yourself.

You see her?

Yeah, I see her.

I see her sittin' all by herself.

What? Man, she was just

there kissin' some dude.

Well, dude must be blacker than Wesley

snipes, 'cause I don't see him.

He's gotta be around here somewhere.

Look. Just wait here. I'll be right back.

This is stupid. I am not gonna

spy on my girlfriend.

And I sure don't want to see

Danny Glover's naked butt.

Oprah look pretty good, though.

Oh. Sorry.

-Come ,My man.

-That's cool.

Man, I like your shirt!

Where'd you get that?

My girl bought it for me.

Hold on to her.

Mo! Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

Look. Maybe he got lost and went

into the wrong theater.

I thought you worked this thing

out with Tracy,

but I guess you were just lyin' to me.

What's the matter with you?

No, I swear, man, she was just

in there with this guy!

I didn't see her in there with no guy.

All I see is the guy who's supposed

to be my friend makin' trouble.

And I don't need to see that anymore.

[sighs]

So, did Mo see the guy?

Man, the guy disappeared.

I don't know where the guy went.

He's right there!

[stammers]

Just see that he stays there, okay.

Look. I'm tryin' to not

get assassinated here.

My plate's kinda full.

Just watch him, Will Smith.

Okay.

Where are my twizzlers?

Oh, I didn't get 'em.

Why not?

'Cause I forgot 'em. It's no big deal.

Then maybe I forgot how to kiss.

No big deal.

It's just some stinkin' candy.

Get over it.

-Do you know what your problem is?

-No. What is my problem?

I'm tellin' you, man, she's in there with

this dude, and he's slobbin' her down!

And I'm tellin' you

that you're makin' things up.

Then prove me wrong.

Whooh!

Say, bro, wait up.

Who are you?

Oh. Uh... I'm the manager of the theater,

and I wanted to know

if you were leavin' because we,

as a movie theater, did somethin' wrong.

No, you didn't do anything wrong.

It's my girl.

She went off over some twizzlers.

Pftt! Women.

T.J.!

What is wrong with you?

Get up off the floor!

I can't! I'm stuck to it!

Mo!

Tracy!

Uh... what are you doin' here?

Just seein' a movie.

So, what are you doin' here?

Long story.

Uh... [chuckles]

See, uh, I needed some,

uh... research material...

You know, background thing. You know.

Okay, so you had a little tiff

with your girl.

Go back in there. Make up with her.

See the rest of the movie.

It's got a real sweet endin'.

Tell you what. You don't like the way

the movie turns out,

you get ten tubs of popcorn free.

That's a $ value.

[sighs]

Yo, what's up with this?

It's the dude with the dope shirt.

What's goin' on, dog?

What you doin' with my girl?

You hear that, Mo? This is his girl.

Tracy, what is the fool talkin' about?

Uh... I don't know. All I wanted

was some twizzlers.

Who the heck are you?

Tell him who you are, Mo.

Tell him who you are.

I'm Tracy's man.

-I'm Tracy's man.

-Huh? Huh? Huh?

Marcus, stay out of this.

No. This is the guy she was kissin' on

last week when I saw her! She's fearless!

-I can kiss her whenever I want.

-Try it.

Marcus! Laser sight!

Get down!

What's wrong with him?

[both arguing at once]

Tracy, it's over! it's over!

[knock on door]

Keep stirrin' the chili, would you, T.J.?

-Floyd Henderson?

-Yes?

I'm Mr. Baser. This is Mr. Dungan.

We'd like to talk to your son T.J.

-We're with the government.

-[screaming]

Alright, you fascist g*ons!

You take one more step,

and I'm goin' upside your head!

T.J., what are you doin'?

Protecting myself!

These guys are paid assassins

from the C.I.A.

They bugged our phones.

They tapped into our cable TV.

They've been following me,

even at the movie theater.

They were using infrared lasers

and everything!

Actually, sir,

Your son's applied for inclusion in a

government summer enrichment program.

But since he's five years younger

than the other applicants,

we wanted to make sure he had the

emotional maturity

to handle the experience.

Thank you for your time, sir.

Wait! This is all just

a silly misunderstanding!

It all started when I wrote a threatening

letter to the president.

What?

Did I say "threatening"?

I mean "stern..."

With just a hint of criticism!

So, if you saw her two-timin'

me last week with that guy,

How come you didn't tell me?

I tried to, man, but you just

didn't want to hear.

What makes you think that?

'Cause when I told you, you said,

"I don't want to hear."

And you let that stop you?

Man, I just didn't want

to see you get hurt.

That plan worked like a charm.

Look, I figured if she was kissin' on him,

then she was probably kissin' on you, too.

Yeah. That part was good.

Boy, she sure did play me like a chump.

Yeah, well, you would've been

an even bigger chump

If you'd have given

her that $ bracelet.

Yeah. Ha ha ha! Whoo!

-Want me to help you get it back?

-Yeah. Would you?

You'll probably have to break in, though.

It don't matter. Does she got a dog?

Big one.

Well, hold on. Let me get the bat.

I don't believe it!

What?

Down there. Isn't that Tracy?

Yeah!

Looks like she's by herself, though.

Oh, man, that girl's never by herself.

There's a guy. You can bet there's a guy.

Probably two.

Hey, babe.

Hey. Can I have some of those?

You got legs. Get your own.

You think we should warn him?

Nah. He looks like he can

take care of himself.

[clapper]

I'm never workin' for this guy again.