03x20 - The Soda Wars

[bunniefuu]

Make sure nobody touches my lunch, okay?

Okay.

Hey!

Gimme my drink,

you stinkin' hunk of metal!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jackie Chan.

We got a punching bag in the gym for that.

The stupid machine's broken.

I put my cents in and nothing came out.

That's because Colonel Bubble

raised their price.

It's $..

I don't have that kind of money.

I'm on a fixed income.

$ allowance a week.

That's $ a month.

And I'm supposed to spend

of that on soda?

No! I say no!

Aren't you a little spark plug.

Just don't break that thing.

We get a cut of the sales.

When you comin' back?

Your food's gettin' cold.

Colonel Bubble just raised their price.

You better have $.

or you're getting nothing.

$.? What?

That's right, you heard me.

It used to be cents. Now it's $..

That's a .% increase.

-It is?

-That's what I got.

It's just soda.

It costs, like, five cents to make.

It's caramel syrup, sugar, and water.

You left out carbonation.

That's air!

We're being ripped off here!

Do you guys remember when soda

used to be cents a can?

[crowd] Mm-hmm. Yeah! Yeah!

Don't you think it's wrong

for them to raise it to $.?

[crowd] It sure is! Yeah! Yeah!

Do you realize how much

an extra cents a day,

five days a week, weeks a year,

is gonna run you?

Didn't mean to hit you with math.

It's $.

What? What?

Now that the NBA's back,

you're gonna need that money.

Right.

-What are you doing?

-Getting a soda.

Haven't you been listening?

Yeah. But I've got history next period.

Colonial History.

If I don't load up on caffeine,

I'll be sleeping under my desk.

Mr. Scarfo does not like that.

Believe me, I know.

Now stop that!

T.J., you can't stop prices

from going up, man.

Why don't you just handle this

the way the rest of us are?

Reach your arm up there

and try to snatch you a can.

It's the American way.

Well, it's not my way.

I'm gonna do something about it.

-Like what?

-I don't know.

But I'll figure out something.

The Colonel Bubble Corporation

is going to rue the day

it angered T.J. Henderson

and the students of Piedmont High!

[crowd] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Uh, Marcus.

Could you call the nurse for me again?

♪ Every day's another lesson ♪

♪ And my head's in a whirl ♪

♪ If I make a wrong decision ♪

♪ It's not the end of the world ♪

♪ I will reach my destination ♪

♪ Make mistakes from A to Z ♪

♪ With each mistake there's a new lesson ♪

♪ I can be anything you want to be ♪

-♪ Never experiencing a dumb phase

-Smart guy ♪

♪ He's ahead of the game at a young age ♪

♪ The intelligence of a grown man ♪

♪ Trapped inside of a young brain ♪

♪ He's a bit on the short side ♪

♪ But stands tall when you show the ball ♪

♪ That's why I'm hanging

With the smart guy ♪

♪ A.K.A. Mr. know-it-all ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

I'll need some vanilla and a little

oil of orange, please.

Coming right up.

Sounds good.

What, we having the Frankensteins

over for dinner?

I'm creating my own soda.

Colonel Bubble raised their prices by %.

So T.J. told the kids

he was gonna do something about it.

Yep. So I'm brewin' up my own batch.

We're gonna sell it at school

for practically nothing.

That ought to teach that big company

they can't push the little guy around.

Big corporations push the little

guy around all the time.

Sometimes they k*ll him.

Well, they're not pushing

this little guy around.

Isn't he cute when he gets like this?

Yes, adorable.

But nobody's gonna drink anything

T.J. mixed up in his kitchen.

-Drink this.

-Okay.

Ain't you gonna ask what's in it first?

It's the soda that T.J. brewed up.

Mmm! bubbly. Pleasant aftertaste.

Hint of orange?

-Not too much?

-No, no, just right.

We're gonna sell it at school.

Mmm! way to go, T.J.

You're finally using your brains

for some good

instead of doing all that studying.

Wow. This is pretty good.

I'm sorry I doubted you, son.

If you want to sell soda

at school, I'm behind you.

Oh, that's great to hear, dad,

'cause I'm gonna need some start-up cash.

I'm behind you in spirit.

Hey. I'm gonna need you guys's help.

We're behind you in spirit, too.

Fight the good fight.

I'll pay you.

Let's get cracking.

Hey, hey! What you doin'?

I was just getting a drink.

The Colonel Bubble machine

takes dollar bills now,

so it makes this really

neat whirring sound.

Want to hear? I could-- hi.

Why don't you try admiral T.J. soda?

-We outrank Colonel Bubble.

-I don't think so.

I've been buying

Colonel Bubble since I was five,

so my soda purchasing habits

are pretty much locked in.

It's out of my hands, really.

It's only cents a cup.

You want me to try some bargain brand?

Yum.

This tastes like Colonel Bubble.

With a hint of orange.

-Not too much?

-No, no, no. Just right.

-Spread the word.

-I will.

Hey, you guys, you should try this!

It's cheap and pretty good!

T.J., can I speak to you for a moment?

Trying to bypass the line, sir?

Rank has its privileges, eh?

No, it's not that.

It's just that I'm not sure you're allowed

to distribute a homemade

drink on school property.

I'm also not sure

you're not allowed to do it.

It's just one of those, uh...

situations that, uh...

doesn't come up a lot.

Hmm. Hint of orange.

Very perceptive, sir.

And I understand the problem.

If someone got sick,

would the school's insurance cover it?

Exactly. Mmm.

Do you have this in diet?

Not yet, but we're working on it.

Uh, what if we were to kick back, say,

% of our profits to the school?

To be used at your discretion.

I think we could probably add

you to the insurance policy.

I'm gonna look into that right now.

Oh. I forgot to pay.

Oh, please, no.

Okay, T.J.

What do you think of this design

for the label?

If I don't like it,

are you gonna hit me again?

Yes.

Oh, it's great.

I love it. Yeah. Wonderful.

Thank you.

Just add a few more bubbles.

T.J., both Hastings High

and Jefferson High school

want to sell Admiral T.J. soda.

And Piedmont said they're gonna start

selling it at the basketball games.

Yeah, man, it's a real

money-making business.

The type of business that rewards

its employees with handsome raises?

-No.

-Come on. Come on, man.

Let's not forget that

this is a business with a mission.

Bringing affordable soda

to kids everywhere.

[Floyd] T.J., you're never

gonna believe who just called.

Jessica Fox, that TV reporter

from Channel .

Jessica Fox? The one who wears

those short little Ally McBeal skirts,

so when she sits down for an interview,

you gotta do this?

Man, she's talented!

Actually, she's got a nephew at Piedmont,

and she heard about you,

and now she wants to do a story

about your little soda business.

Alright!

We are on the map!

You can't buy this sort of publicity.

Yeah, good, 'cause I know

you'd want me to pay for it.

Now we'll have a chance to get

our message across to the people.

What message?

The affordable soda

for kids everywhere thing.

[both] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! That's catchy.

I guess the toughest part

was actually trying to make the soda.

It's not rocket science,

and I know that because

I got an "A" in rocket science.

It's just, for the most of us,

it's not worth the effort.

Love your drink, T.J.

Oh, thanks, Mackey.

And it's still only cents.

Right.

But when a company like Colonel Bubble

starts gouging the consumer,

then it's time to take a stand.

I also understand you're considering

expanding your company.

It's in the talking stage.

But if we do expand,

we want to make sure that

it's for the benefit of our customers,

employees, and the environment.

The environment?

People eat that stuff up.

Listen, you don't think that

"A" in rocket science comment

came across a little too... you know.

Snotty?

-Precocious?

-Big-headed?

-No.

-I didn't think so.

Shhh!

Here comes my part.

We're looking into bottles and cans.

We're trying to ascertain

which is more environmentally friendly.

Does that top make me look fat?

No. Eating that bag of cookies

makes you look fat.

Sorry, brother, I can't do it.

I like a girl with a little meat

on her bones. Eat up.

I mean, to me,

it comes down to the product.

It's all about the taste.

We care about the environment.

Give a hoot. Don't pollute.

But the bottom line is,

we're not gonna drink something

that taste like vinegar

just so some chipmunk somewhere

can live an extra couple weeks.

Mmm.

Ha ha!

I've always encouraged my son,

especially in business.

I started my own business myself.

Floyd Henderson contracting.

"Everything you need under one roof."

Visa or MasterCard accepted.

You had to plug your business.

You were talking about your business

the whole time.

The whole piece was about my business.

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

[Jessica] So you'd better

look out, Colonel.

Business analysts , I spoke with

compare the company favorably

with other rags-to-riches stories,

like Famous Amos cookies,

Ben & Jerry's ice cream,

and Mainland China.

I'll guarantee you one thing--

Admiral's T.J. soda will never, ever

cost as much as Colonel Bubble.

[rewinding tape]

...never, ever cost as much

as Colonel Bubble.

Do you see that face?

I hate that face.

What are we gonna do

about that face? Axler?

Uh...

Come on, son, speak your mind.

Do we have do to anything?

He's just a kid.

Shut up, you idiot.

Yes, sir.

I know he's a kid,

but you heard that reporter.

He's the next Famous Amos.

And he's a lot cuter.

In a few years,

he could be real competition.

The soundest business move

is to crush him now.

Any ideas?

Good.

Let's wipe the smile

off his cute little mug.

Don't push! Don't push!

There's plenty for everybody.

Hey, yo, what's goin' on?

"Redeem your Colonel Bubble cans

for great prizes.

"sweatshirts, duffel bags, jackets.

"The more you drink the more you get."

This is some nice stuff.

How many cans I gotta drink

to get a jacket?

Uh... not me.

Them.

Don't you see what they're doing?

They're targeting us.

They're doing a good job of it, too.

Man, this sweatshirt is fleece.

-What?

-Mm-hmm.

What are we gonna do?

Fight back.

Listen to me, people!

Are you gonna let some flashy

giveaway make you forget

why you left Colonel Bubble

in the first place?

Who do you think is paying

for those hats and sweatshirts?

I'll tell you who.

You and you and--

Mackey?

Oh, sorry, T.J., it's nothing personal.

It's just that, I really need this hat

to make me look cool.

We're wearing it this way now, right?

[singing]

Let's change the recipe.

-Change the label.

-We don't need to change anything,

especially not the label.

I love my label.

But we have to change something.

We're dying.

Colonel Bubble can't

have a giveaway forever.

We have a good product at a good price.

And then she married the prince

and lived happily ever after.

Wake up!

This is about survival.

We gotta match 'em, giveaway for giveaway.

So what can we give away?

A weekend with Mo?

What if a guy wins?

A weekend with Yvette.

I don't think so.

You're right. It's supposed to be a prize.

Okay, okay, what we gonna give away?

Look, the typical Admiral T.J. soda

drinker is a teenager.

So as teenagers,

what do you guys like to do?

Well... well...

Ha ha!

Besides that?

What about sports?

You know, like roller-blading,

hiking, biking.

That's it! Biking!

We'll give away mountain bikes,

really nice ones.

How can we afford to do that?

We can cut our salaries.

Not that. Nah, that wouldn't be right.

Then we'll have to raise our prices

by cents.

I thought you guys got into this

because Colonel Bubble was too expensive.

You know, the whole affordable soda

for kids everywhere thing.

Come on, dad,

We have to stay competitive.

Besides, we're still cheaper by .%.

You know what?

One of these days somebody

gonna check you on that.

Let me look at this calculator.

[Marcus] Don't do it, man!

Colonel Bubble ain't the way.

I'm sorry, guys.

It's just that I'm a -pack

shy of the travel mug,

and it keeps the hot drinks

hot and the cold drinks cold.

The same mug.

A mug?

Man, please. Admiral T.J. soda

is raffling off a mountain bike, man.

speeds.

Really?

Yeah. Look, we got numbers

on the bottom of each cup,

so the more you drink,

the more chances you have to win.

Come on, Mackey.

It tastes great, and it's only cents.

? It used to be .

Yeah. But now you can win a bike.

[sing-song] It's yellow.

I like yellow.

I'm back on board, Admiral.

T.J.

I just got off the phone

with our distributors.

They've sold out of caramel syrup.

What? How is that possible?

They got truckloads of that stuff.

Out of nowhere somebody

bought up their whole supply.

Bubble.

Man, those people chafe my behind!

Where are you going?

To track down some caramel.

T.J., lunch is over. You've got school.

I have no time for education.

The future of this company is at stake.

Oh, no, we have to have caramel syrup.

Huh? That might work. Let me ask.

Can we use banana syrup instead?

For what?

Why don't you put it on hold for us.

T.J., can I have a word with you?

-I'm busy.

-Too busy for a whuppin'?

Not that busy.

Mr. Militich called, said you cut out

on fifth period.

It was P.E., and it was an emergency.

-Medical?

-Flavor-related.

Excuse me?

Bubble cornered the caramel market.

He had to jump on it.

I don't care what it is.

I do not want you cutting classes.

Yes, sir.

Bingo!

-There's caramel in Florida.

-Alright!

Florida?

Yeah, but it's gonna cost

an arm and a leg to ship it here.

I don't care what it costs.

If it means spending more money,

then spend more money.

What money? Not our money.

We'll raise our prices.

But what about our customers?

We don't have any customers

if we don't have a product!

Wake up, people.

What other choice do we have?

We got banana.

I'm running with an anchor.

You want to go swimming with an anchor?

Look, T.J. I don't like the way

you're barking out orders at people.

Now, what's happening to you?

What's happening to me is

I'm trying to keep my company

from being destroyed by Colonel Bubble.

I would rather see you destroyed

by Colonel Bubble

than turned into Colonel Bubble.

I hear you, dad.

I guess I kind of got swept up

in everything.

-Okay.

-Thanks.

Alright, people, the sermon's over.

Let's get back to work.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

A dollar?

Hey, we're still cheaper

than Colonel Bubble.

Not much.

-But we're cheaper.

-Yeah, but they sell theirs

in the machine that makes

the "whir" sound.

So do we. Whir whir. You happy?

See, this is why I like dealing

with machines.

I'll handle the front.

Listen, people, the price increase

is only temporary.

Stick with us. We are still

your soda company,

filling your soda needs since

two and a half weeks ago.

Hey, guys. I just got off the phone

with our location at Hastings High.

Our sales are holding up.

Good! We are still in business.

[cell phone rings]

That's probably

just Jefferson checking in.

Hello.

Hold on.

T.J., why would the health department

be at our house?

Dad! Was that the guy

from the Health Department?

-Mm-hmm.

-What did he say?

You need new refrigeration units.

You need new exhaust vents.

And you need to move my garage

ten feet further away from the house.

You got a problem.

Somebody must have called them.

Bubble.

Dad, you're a contractor.

You could do all that stuff.

Yeah. For about $,.

And I need half up front.

Okay, ,.

That just means we'll have to raise

the price of our soda to about...

$ a cup.

We should make the cups

a little bigger, then.

I think it's time to hang up the cup, son.

No.

Look, I know it's hard for you to accept,

but sometimes you gotta recognize

when you've been beaten,

and that's a sign of maturity.

Yeah, you're right, dad.

Guess I kind of got swept up again.

That's them!

Expose them for the jackals they are!

I'm sorry, sir. I tried to stop them.

Should I call security?

Security can't help you.

Go ahead, Jessica, take 'em apart.

Is it true Colonel Bubble targeted

this enterprising little boy's company

and drove him out of business?

There's not an ounce of truth in that.

Calm down, son.

You're Jessica Fox, aren't you?

That piece you did about the dog

raising the little kittens--

Oh, that was truly heartwarming.

You saw that?

Yes, I did.

You know, you're being under-utilized

at that local station.

You know, Colonel Bubble

just recently acquired

the cable world news network,

and we've been looking for someone

to head up our Paris bureau.

Let's go, Sal. I don't think

there's a story here.

Sorry, kid. I'm through with this

human interest stuff.

I can't believe you--

you just--

right out from under me.

You are...

you are a bad man.

It was just business.

Business is w*r. I just happen

to have more g*ns than you.

I don't care.

Somehow, someday, I'm gonna get you.

You don't quit, do you?

-No, I don't.

-I like that.

How would you like to work for us?

What?

Not now. Finish school.

We'll pay for it.

Harvard, Brown. You choose.

Then come work here.

Bring that drive and determination

to our team.

You're offering me a job?

You interested?

No. Why would I want to work for you?

You just care about your stock prices

and your profits.

You don't care if you buy sugar

from some factory

where children work -hour-days

in unventilated sweatshops.

You sit around in your

custom-made Italian suits

drinking $ bottles of scotch and giving

each other undeserved stock options.

While factory workers in your plants

in des moines toil for minimum wage,

praying that they can make this month's

rent in some rat trap you probably own.

Do I want to work for you?

Not in this lifetime, Mister!

[breathing hard]

Are you done?

No. I just got a little winded.

America was built by little guys like me,

and now it's the mega-firms like you

who are k*lling that individual spirit.

My dad was right.

I don't want to end up

like Colonel Bubble,

and if I take this job, that's exactly

what's going to happen to me.

You said that to him?

Yeah.

All of it?

Yeah.

Well, I have to say, son,

I'm very proud of you.

Thanks, dad.

See? I do listen to you.

Well, sometimes it's hard to tell.

When you say you're not

gonna fight anymore,

and then you end up in their corporate

headquarters with a TV crew,

I get mixed signals.

I'm a complicated guy.

Well, I can't believe

he offered you a job.

Yeah. He thought he could buy me

over a lousy , a year,

plus stock options.

[both laughing]

I hope you got his business card.

You didn't raise no dummies.

Hey. Corporate super-studs.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.

You think you're on top of the world,

don't you?

But there's this burning desire

deep down inside

that makes you want to stand up and say--

could you help a brother out?

Good lord, I'm thirsty!

Am I right? Am I right?

Well, here it is.

Colonel Bubble ..

That's three and a half calories.

And you know what it's sayin' to you,

don't you?

It's sayin' take me, drink me, buy me!

-I like it!

-He likes it!

-I like it!

-She likes it!

Everybody likes it! Whoo-hoo-hee!

[crash] oh! Uhh! Uhh!

It's okay. I'm okay.

Alright, he's hurt.

Does he have a brother?

Our sales are holding up.

Alright!

Yes. [tapping table]

-Boy, it's quiet--

-Hello!

We're still in business.

Sorry.

I'm over here doin' my own thing.

Uh, Marcus?

Could you call the nurse again for me?

Ooh, eee, aah, ooh, ooh, eee.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.