05x01 - The Mall

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

[OWL HOOTING]

[LASZLO] Something is
wrong with Gizmo lately.

He's morose, distracted.

Like a man with a secret.

I mean, he's still a
perfectly adequate familiar.

But there's just something
not right about him.

What it is, I don't know,

but I intend to find out.

So we're all here. That's good.

- If I can have your undivided attention...
- [NANDOR] What?

- ... for a few minutes?
- Absolutely not.

[LASZLO] No.

[DIRECTOR] So, aren't you
actually a vampire now?

- Hmm?
- Didn't you pay your friend Derek

- to turn you into a...
- We're not talking about that right now.

[LASZLO] He's behaving unusually.

If there's anyone that can get

to the bottom of this
kind of thing, it's me.

Why? 'Cause I'm the king of bottoms.

[CHORTLES]

["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

- As I was saying...
- [NADJA] Couple of questions. First one:

- Why? And also...
- Okay, you know what?

- ... who gives you the right?
- [GUILLERMO] Okay, I was just...

[COLIN] I have a follow-up to that.

Okay.

- Yeah.
- Nadja, Laszlo, Colin Robinson, please.

I would like to hear
what Guillermo has to say.

[RAGGED GROAN]

[NANDOR] A lot has changed
since you last saw me.

I'm in a really good place.

And it is all thanks to
an ancient book of wisdom

I discovered that
laid buried in Laszlo's

library of precious
volumes for years and years.

This book has taught me to
focus on what is really important,

like who is okay and who is not okay.

Thank you for sharing, Guillermo.

You are okay.

- I didn't say anything yet.
- Then that is okay.

Okay. I want to talk about
something very important.

If this about my sexual intercourse,

I saw the doctor and took the test.

[GUILLERMO] No, that was
a Cosmo quiz that you took

called "Which Sex and
the City Icon Are You?"

- And I was Kim Cattrall.
- Ooh.

- Ooh.
- [LASZLO] Now, I haven't got a clue who

that is, but as long as she's sexy

- and down to f*ck, bingo.
- Fine diagnosis.

[GUILLERMO] Okay, the thing
I want to talk about is

- vampire safety.
- [COLIN] Go on.

[GUILLERMO] You're all
becoming very sloppy

covering your vampirisms
in public, okay?

- It's becoming very dangerous.
- What is the big deal?

If anyone notices,
we just hypnotize them

- like we always do.
- [GUILLERMO] No,

you've been doing that
way too much lately.

Yes, but I have getting
really okay at it.

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [GRUNTS]

- You okay?
- I am fine.

No, no, no. No, no.

- [CROWD STOPS CHEERING]
- You will all forget

that someone tripped and who it was.

[GUILLERMO] I just fear
that the hypnosis is making

the borough dumber and dumber.

We live in Staten Island.
Nobody will notice.

There are just some things
you will never understand

because you're not a vampire.

- [LASZLO] Yeah.
- [NANDOR] Very good point.

- [LASZLO] Precisely.
- [NADJA CHUCKLES]

But even if I was a vampire, I...

[ALL LAUGHING]

We are not laughing with
you, we are laughing at you.

You know what? Enough, okay?

Don't count on me to always
be here to protect you.

I'm not gonna be around forever.

Really? Where will you
go, David Attenborough?

- [GUILLERMO] Right now?
- Yes.

- Out of this room.
- Oh, finally.

And that is okay.

Look, guys, please, can I
just have, like, a minute?

Please, can... You know what, fine.

Fine. Let's get this over with.

Lock the door.

Lock the... Please look the door.

So, yeah, days ago,

I made an impulsive
decision to have Derek...

Make me a vampire.

Sure, man.

- Oh. Whoa. Not yet, sorry.
- [CHUCKLES] Just a...

I know, but just gonna take my...

- cardigan off.
- Yeah, of course, of course.

Just don't want anything on it.

- My grandma gave it to me.
- Mm.

[GUILLERMO] And...
I was a little nervous at first,

and your first time
I guess always... is?

Uh... Okay. [CHUCKLES]

- Here we are.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'm ready.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- [HISSES]
- [TREVOR] Derek,

customer toilet is clogged again.

You know what? I got
to take care of this.

- Wait, what? Now?
- If I don't do it now, people just go

on top of what's already
there, and believe me,

- then no one's happy.
- Derek,

later. After...

Oh, yes, of course, yes. [CHUCKLES]

You know what? Trevor's
always telling me

I have bad task management
skills, you know?

First, turn you into a vampire.

- Yes.
- Then I'll clean the toilets.

[QUIETLY] I'm ready.
Derek moved in, and finally...

[RAINFALL PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

What are you doing?

Just... showing off
your... your sound machine.

Why do you have it on

"rainy night at the
leaky castle" setting?

- [SOFT CHITTERING PLAYS]
- Ah...

The creatures of the night.

Such beautiful music they make.

It also has a
setting for "banshee wail"...

- It's white noise.
- ... and "abandoned orphanage."

"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

- Very creepy.
- Master, is there something that

you needed to discuss with me?

Yes.

There is.

Guillermo...

we know why you have been acting so

oddly lately.

- You do?
- Mm.

Are you-are you mad?

Yes.

We are mad at ourselves
for forgetting your birthday.

I am okay and you are
okay, but this is not okay.

For a human,
a birthday is a terrible day.

- We have forgotten his birthday.
- Oh, yes.

[LASZLO] No, I really don't
think it's about his birthday.

And if it is, what a bitch.

- When is his birthday?
- Uh...

I don't know, to be honest.

[NANDOR] Poor creatures
only live for, like,

two, years, tops.

So we are taking you out
for a birthday dinner.

Change into your nicest shitty sweater

- and we will see you at the restaurant.
- What...

What restaurant?

[COLIN] So, full disclosure:

I am back in the workforce.

I'm Colin Robinson. I'll
be taking your order today.

So, what are we thinking
about munching on?

I decided to take a break
from the office life.

How about we set you two
up with some pro-sexy?

It's a fun way of saying prosecco.

- [CHAIR LEGS SQUEAK]
- Prosecco is...

Simply because the opportunities to feed

in the service industry
are so incredible.

Dressing on the side. Ugh.

Uh, I can ask the chef,

but it's probably a no go.

- I hate to see you cry.
- I'm not crying.

I just... I want...

Pardon my reach.

Oops.

Just wanted to check in on you two,

see how everything's tasting.

Think about desert.

- Strip steak.
- Uh-huh.

Medium-well.

The Caesar salad but with no croutons.

Are you sure you're getting all this?

Yeah, I-I never write anything down.

I got it. I think I know you want.

Bon appétit.

♪ ♪

Hey, folks, my name is Colin.

I'll be your server this evening.

Has your whole party arrived?

No. Tonight, Gizmo arrives upon an Uber.

- Mm-hmm.
- [COLIN] Okay. They're really not supposed to

seat you until your
entire party has arrived.

Can I ask you to go stand
in the crowded alcove

where the cigarette smoke comes in?

f*ck off. Just get us anything
so it looks like we're eating.

Okey dokey, jalapeño
poppers, jalapeño poppers,

jalapeño poppers,

and one more per la tavola.

Koúkla mou, do you want
to come up and join us?

- [LAUGHS]
- No, I hate you and I want to die.

When I was running the vampire nightclub

I may have got a little bit

too much into the old, uh, [CHUCKLES]

liquor blood.

[EXCLAIMING]

And then, one night, I
got so sh*t off my faced...

that I sat on my dolly

and I minced her legs with my wagon.

Don't be such a Debbie Downer.

- Come and join in the human birthday party.
- Yes, eh?

What you've done to my
legs is unforgivable.

Nadja absolutely crushed my lower body.

There's nothing wrong with my butt.

Eh, I'll be the judge of that.

[DOLL NADJA] And Colin
Robinson's solution

is something I very
much do not like. [SPITS]

Come on, you can be the
queen of the restaurant, huh?

- Push the button, my darling.
- [DOLL NADJA] Don't you dare

press the button on my toe.

Oh, come on, it's so fun.

- ♪ I feel good... ♪
- [LASZLO LAUGHING]

- No! I don't actually feel good at all!
- [WHOOPS]

♪ I knew that I would, now... ♪

- I will never forgive you for destroying my...
- ♪ I feel good ♪

- Wow! Peekaboo! Queen of Soul in the house.
- ♪ So good... ♪

- f*ck-f*ck-f*ck you all! ♪ So good ♪
- [LASZLO] I think so.

- ♪ I got you. ♪
- Ow!

- Ow! Stop!
- [NADJA WHOOPS]

Put me back under the table.

- Oh, what have I done?
- You know what you did.

You're never going to
forgive me, are you?

- [SPEAKS GREEK]
- [NANDOR] Colin Robinson.

- Yes, sir?
- [NANDOR] Are those

"yalapeño" whatevers... are
they coming any time soon?

Oh, I'll ask your
server to check on those.

- I thought you were our server.
- [COLIN] I'm on break.

- My darling, what is on your mind?
- [NANDOR] Yes.

It's nothing, I just...

I can't get something
out of my mind that

that little pipsqueak Gizmo said about

not being around forever.

I mean, he could mean
that he's gonna die soon.

- Right.
- That's something that, uh,

- humans do.
- [NADJA] All the time.

Or he could get his old job
at Panera Bread back.

That's another thing all humans do

- at some point. Or...
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I suppose eventually,
perhaps, he could...

become a vampire himself.

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- f*ck, no.

- What an idiot.
- It could happen. It could happen.

I don't understand why.
Why do you keep asking that?

You were there, you saw what happened.

- Why are we going to...
- [DIRECTOR] Guillermo, we're just trying to

understand it from your point of view.

Derek leaned in...

- Wait, stop!
- Oh, what?!

Sorry. Have you done this before?

Yeah. [SCOFFS] Tons of ti...

Like, many dozens of times.

- Derek.
- I'm... No. I haven't. No. Um, have you?

Why doesn't Andy just do this?

Who?

Your master.

You mean Nandor?

Oh... Okay.

That clears up so much for me.

I mean, I kept thinking,

"A vampire named Andy?
That's so random."

It's not like he doesn't want to.
It's, like, he always says

he's gonna get around to it, you know?

He actually cares about me a lot,
and he does a lot of

- really nice things for me.
- Oh.

Oh, sorry, I'm just pausing.

It's for the editors.

They insert, probably, like,
a cute montage or something,

of all the stuff he's done for me

- over the years, so, might take a second.
- Okay.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes.

No, I still absolutely
want to be a vampire.

- I just didn't think it would happen like this.
- Mm.

I don't know, maybe it's,
like, deep down inside,

my psyche is just telling me that
I'm really not ready to, like...

Oh, sh*t! What the f*ck are you doing?!

- [SCREAMING]
- Oh, oh, oh.

I'm sorry, I-I thought
you said you were ready.

I wasn't ready!

I heard "ready!" I just heard "ready!"

I think he hit an artery.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! ¡Puta madre!

Oh!

And it was just like... [WHOOSHES]

Aah! f*cking sh*t! Oh!

Be honest with me. Is it bad?

Hold still, let me look.
Uh, yeah, it's bad.

- Oh! ¡Puta madre!
- [STAMMERING]

Okay, I got to drink your blood.

Ooh. That is gonna be
a sticking point for me.

- Why is that?
- Because I'm a bit of a fainter.

- I have low blood pressure.
- What?

If I'm being honest, you
people can be real parasites.

I mean, why do I need to repeat myself?

You were there, you saw the
blood. Thank you so much,

- and I will be giving you five stars.
- Yeah.

And you know what? I'm done.
I'm off to my birthday dinner

when it's not really my birthday.

[NADJA] Imagine Guillermo flying
around in his little short legs.

- I enjoy that joke.
- That's made my night.

What's so funny? What'd I miss?

Hey, g*ng.

Hi. Do you mind if I
borrow? Thank you so much.

- That's me.
- What's so funny?

Oh, nothing.

We were doing the joke where we imagine

that you have become a vampire.

I don't know why that's so laughable.

- Could you imagine Grahame as a vampire?
- I know!

He would be just a little
bat with diarrhea, like...

Flying and then... [IMITATES FARTING]

Why do I always sh*t in your scenarios?

[NANDOR] Guillermo, I'm
sorry. Eventually, of course,

I will definitely be turning you into
a vampire when the time is right.

- But you got to admit, it's a funny image.
- [LAUGHING]

With the big glasses. [LAUGHING]

Or a shitty woolen cape.

What if-what if I didn't wait

till I felt like you
thought the time was right?

- [NANDOR] What do you mean?
- [GUILLERMO] What if, hypothetically,

walking down the street,
and then Dracula...

- [LAUGHING]
- Dracula?

[GUILLERMO] He says, "Do you want
me to make you into a vampire?"

And I said yes?

[WEAK CHUCKLE]

A familiar going to a
vampire who is not his master

and asking him to turn him?

Now, I am a fan of edgy comedy,

but that is no laughing matter.

[LASZLO] I'm not
entirely sure we should be

talking about any of this out loud.

[GUILLERMO] But it's okay. I
was just saying hypothetically.

[LASZLO] Hypothetically,
what you are talking about

is the greatest humiliation

a familiar could bestow upon his master.

If that were to happen, Guillermo...

then I will k*ll you.

I would not like to do it,
but I would have to do it.

And then I would k*ll myself,

which I would not like either.

There are some things
about which we do not joke.

[COLIN] Obee-kaybee.

I have six plates of veggie
dumplings and a chocolate pudding.

- [LASZLO] That looks...
- [NADJA] Mm, brown.

- Thank you.
- [LASZLO] ... like sh*t.

Well, it was a nice
dinner, so you have had a

to distract you from the
fact you will soon die.

- You are welcome.
- Hear, hear. Well said.

And, for your birthday wish,

we all promise to do a much better job

of blending in, as you requested.

I guess I'll see you back at the hou...

Okay. I'm just gonna get
some stuff at the mall.

What is "mawrl?"

-[NANDOR] [GASPS] I have heard
-[LASZLO] Oh, ho!

about this thing called mall.

But I thought it was a myth, a rumor,

a fairy tale made up by an insane child.

- This, I have to see.
- [GUILLERMO] Maybe I shouldn't

have mentioned anything
about the mall. That's on me.

I take responsibility for that.

Okay, this is the mall.

Just sit down and people-watch,
do whatever you want

while sitting down.

I'm gonna get some new
glasses and a footlocker

- and then we can go home.
- It is rising!

- [GUILLERMO] That's an elevator.
- Ah.

- So just stay here.
- Great.

- Yes, we understand.
- [GUILLERMO] Okay, great.

- I'll be right back.
- [DOLL NADJA] All right. Yeah.

[NADJA] I'm gonna get
you some new knickers.

What is Sephora?

[NANDOR] Gilly's Gifts. Very nice.

This mall has a Guillermo's Gifts?

Uh, I'm not sure.

That is fine. I will explore.

I would like you to tell
me more about this product.

- [CASHIER] Well, that's Shrek.
- Great.

Ring me up. And also...

I would like you to honor
these special coupons.

I will honor this coupon
for a free oil change

that expired years ago...

- Yes.
- ... and this one that's

just a cut-out photo of Ryan
Seacrest from a magazine.

- Will it work?
- Yes, of course it will work.

We are going to fix this,
and this is how we do it.

Sorry about that.

- So, did we make a selection?
- Yes.

I am looking for the
exact proportions of

Venus herself when her p*ssy
was serving witches tea,

nipples so sharp they're
on the most wanted list,

and a taint that can
sign its own checks.

Uh... I meant more like,
which hat did you want?

Oh, yes. Rainbow sombrero for sure.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.

- [GROANS]
- What is wrong now?

[SPEAKS GREEK] You didn't
even ask for my opinion.

What the hell are you talking about?

Did you not hear what
I said about the taint?

Malls are fascinating places
full of fascinating things.

[LAUGHS]

That's a baby village.

Makes sense to keep
them all in one place.

That's called London Shoes.

Now, if those shoes
were really from London,

they'd be covered in sh*t.

Bikini Warehouse.

- Must be a front for a brothel.
- [CLERK] Excuse me.

- Hi. Would you like to sample our new scent, Noir?
- No, f*ck off.

Can't be sidetracked
with cheap sex potions.

Question still remains.

What is Gizmo up to?

[NANDOR] Hyah! Prepare to be pillaged!

- Laszlo!
- Shut up.

- I found John!
- Idiot.

- [NANDOR] It's John!
- f*cking idiot.

[NANDOR EXCLAIMS] Make
this thing go faster!

[GUILLERMO] That was, uh, some
pretty heavy stuff at dinner, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Just stuff I did not
even, I didn't even...

[CLICKS TONGUE]

... know.

Sorry. [SHORT CHUCKLE]

Where was I? Um...

I was hemorrhaging
profusely, uh, about to die.

- You good?
- [GRUNTS] Yeah.

- Yeah, I think so.
- Well, that's good.

- 'Cause I haven't done it yet.
- Oh, dude.

Other people's blood I'm fine with.

But the sight of my own? No, thank you.

You know, when I think
about fainting, I faint.

- [GASPS]
- [GRUNTS]

It's really hard to break the skin.

- Um...
- I'm running out of time here, buddy.

Here. Why don't you slice
me up with this box cutter?

Are you sure? It's gonna hurt.

- I'm a vampire. I think I can handle it.
- Okay.

- Did you do it?
- Yeah, I did.

- But don't look because...
- Don't look at what?

- Oh, sh*t.
- No, Derek.

No.

The deed is done. The die is cast.

There's no turning... [GROANING]

♪ ♪

Derek.

Toilet again.

[GASPS]

Oh...

Okay, sorry, dude, I got
to go take care of this.

Oh, sh*t. Dude?

- Dude?
- [GRUNTS]

So, yeah.

That's where we're at.

[GUILLERMO] It seems to be a process.

I thought the transformation
would be faster,

but I haven't drank blood.

I can still eat human foods.

In fact, my appetite for
very rare meat is ravenous.

My teeth are totally normal and...

I don't feel any sexier.

I can still go out into the sun.

I can't fly or turn into a bat. Yet.

Bat!

Human form.

I thought the transformation would
be overnight, but it's been days.

Which is why I've been
keeping it a secret.

I was kind of holding off for that big

"wow factor" for the
reveal, but at this point,

I don't even think I
should tell them because...

- [OPTOMETRIST] Mr. de la Corz?
- Uh, so sorry about that.

De la Cruz? That's me.

- De la Cruz.
- Hi.

How long have you been wearing
glasses with this prescription?

Oh, since I was three or four?

I-I don't know who screwed up here,

but you actually don't
need glasses at all.

According to the eye exam you just did,
you have / vision.

It's actually better than / vision.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

Well, that is...

a super power.

- Wow, that's... Wow.
- So, right now, you're wearing

a very strong
prescription for no reason.

- Let's stop doing that.
- Let's stop doing that.

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, okay.

Would it be possible to just get a pair

without a prescription?

Just, I don't want people
to think I look... different.

- Uh, yeah. Sure. You want the same frames or...
- [CHIMES RINGING]

[NANDOR] Did you enjoy your birthday?

It was all right, Master.

I guess I wasn't really that hungry.

And that is okay.

Do the other side.

- Master?
- Mm-hmm?

If I accidentally

got made into a vampire...

- Mm-hmm?
- ... by somebody else,

you wouldn't really...

k*ll me, would you?

Accidentally, you say?

- Yes.
- Not intentionally?

No, I guess... not.

I'd still have to k*ll you.
What choice would I have?

What about "vampire shall
not k*ll other vampire"?

Guillermo, I don't like

hypothetical brain-ticklers
before bedtime.

- You know this.
- Right.

Makes my head heat up.

How's about a nice bedtime story?

Okay. I did see this very
interesting movie the other night.

- Oh, tell me.
- It was about this guy.

- And he got turned into a vampire.
- [GASPS]

- Really?
- Yeah.

But then he realizes that maybe

he wasn't ready to be
turned into a vampire.

Why not?

He had his reasons.
But then he tries to find a way to

stop the process of becoming
a vampire and rever...

Guillermo, please.

I don't like science-fiction stories
before bedtime either.

- Yeah.
- That reminds me.

I got you a birthday present.

I heard you when you said
you wanted a footlocker.

[SINGSONGY] So I got you a footlocker.

- [GUILLERMO] Thank you, Master.
- Yes.

You are welcome. Close the lid. [SIGHS]

["SECRETS IN THE MOONLIGHT"
BY HARRY JAMES PLAYING]

[GUILLERMO] Being a vampire is
no different than being a human.

We're all just doing
what it takes to survive.

We go on about our day.

Blend in.

Act like everyone else.

But the truth is

we're all just hiding in plain sight.

♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪

♪ Whispers in the dark with you ♪

♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪

♪ Silent fire kiss or two ♪

♪ When there are moonbeams ♪

♪ Dancing on your cheek ♪

♪ My darling, every dream ♪

♪ I've ever had ♪

♪ Comes true ♪

♪ When I share secrets
in the moonlight ♪

♪ With you. ♪