[water splashing]
[theme music playing]
I've been going over all our expenses.
We're not wasting money trying to buy a house we can't afford right now.
Nope. Let's save money. Put our kid first.
Yeah, you say that. And then I found this.
-What?
-A receipt for an antique belt buckle.
Well, yeah. That's a Civil w*r Union soldier belt buckle.
$?
Well, that's not wasting money. That's an investment.
Any battle
-worn relic is doing nothing but going up in value.
You have a child.
You know how expensive good schools are in LA?
You can't be pissing away our money on crap like this.
You can't eat an old buckle.
It's also a belt. You can wear it.
When your family is living in a cardboard box,
you can use it to hang yourself.
Another use for the belt I hadn't even considered.
I'm not doing all these commercials for nothing.
We need to prioritize our spending.
[scoffs] I'm Mr. Prioritize. That's what I do.
No, you don't.
I get why we need the reverse osmosis filtration system
for clean drinking water.
But why do we need it for the whole house?
Well, when you're showering or bathing, you could be absorbing toxins.
Your skin is your biggest organ.
What about the toilets? Why do they need filters?
Well, let's say there's an earthquake. Everything is cut off.
You know, every drop of water in this house will be valuable.
That toilet water might just keep us alive.
I'd rather be dead.
You say that now, but cut to an emergency.
Trust me. You'll be begging me for toilet water.
No, I won't. And we need to fix the pool cover,
so that Miranda doesn't accidentally fall in there.
Absolutely. Jamie and I will fix it this afternoon.
No, you won't. We're getting a professional to do it.
Next priority, Miranda's preschool.
I have three appointments set up for today.
-Okay. I'm on it.
-Now, as far as your infrared sauna...
Yes?
It's $, and not a priority.
Well, if you're talking about priorities, infrared saunas lower your viral load.
You and your viral load can go f*ck yourselves.
It's not happening.
And I got the exterminator coming at : to spray for bugs.
Why are we doing that?
I don't want those chemicals here at the house.
Stop it with the chemicals! I can't deal with your sh*t right now.
But it's not safe.
I'm gonna tell you what's not safe. Miranda getting bitten by a spider.
All of our neighbors spray for a reason.
Well, then we don't need to spray. Our neighbors are protecting us.
We're in their bug
-free bubble.
Besides, bugs are good. Poisons negatively affect pollinators.
I'm not putting my kid at risk
just because you read half an article on Facebook.
Yesterday, I was in the bathroom and I felt like someone was watching me.
First, I thought the house was haunted.
But then I looked up, and it was a huge spider.
Staring at me. Took me five minutes to k*ll it.
-Okay, I'll think about it.
-No, you won't.
They're coming and spraying. Okay. Gotta go. Got a callback.
You got a callback?
-That's great. For what?
-Soap opera.
Wow. First a commercial, now a possible soap opera.
Here's the check for the exterminator.
Jamie, counting on you.
Got it.
Rob, somehow, I love you.
-[Rob] Okay. [speaks Spanish]
-Okay.
-Love you, baby.
-[door closes]
Call the bug guy and cancel.
-But Paty just said she's
-
-
-I'm the one who pays you.
Actually, Paty gave me this check for the bug guy.
Hmm.
Now, call the electrician and hook up my sauna.
-She said you're
-
-
-Call him, Jamie.
Okay.
[metal clanking]
Hey.
It's the hand crank. It's got to be replaced.
-How much for that?
-$.
$? For a hand crank?
Well, yeah. It's stuck.
Well, can't you just pull on it and get it unstuck?
-How much for that?
-[stammers] I'd replace the crank.
Even if you could get it working, it could get stuck again.
And then you'll just end up right where you started.
But if I could get it unstuck, would it be safe?
I guess.
But, uh, it's stuck right now. It's only covering half the pool.
I guess you could try pulling on the tarp from the middle of the pool.
-But I wouldn't recommend it.
-What's the worst that can happen?
-Uh, you could drown.
-[laughs]
Yeah, right. For bucks, I'll do it myself.
Thanks for driving all the way from Santa Barbara, Kyle. Appreciate it.
It's all right.
Jamie!
Jamie, I need you to get in there and give it a good tug.
But I'll get wet.
Just get in there. Unless you'd rather be dry and unemployed.
Can I take my pants off?
No.
I don't want to see your cock. Ever.
Come on.
Go on, get in.
-What do I do?
-Give it a tug.
Just pull on it.
[Jamie grunts]
I'm pulling.
[grunts] It's slippery, too.
Come on!
[Jamie sighs]
-You're not gonna get it.
-Oh, forget it, you moron.
I'll just do it myself.
-[laughs] I got it!
-You got it?
No. Camilo's football! I've been looking all over for this thing.
You're useless.
Just get the f*ck out. Fix me a juice or something, for f*ck's sake.
[scoffs]
[sighing]
Gotta do everything myself. Everything.
[grunting]
[music playing over earphones]
[blender whirring]
[grunting]
[continues grunting]
[muffled] Jamie! Jamie!
[muffled screaming]
[muffled screaming continues]
[sputtering]
[gasping]
[grunting]
[coughing]
[panting]
-[music continues playing]
-[humming]
[both grunting]
[Jamie choking]
What's happening? Stop it!
[both continue grunting]
[screaming]
That had lemon and ginger in it! That was a juice cleanse.
-[screams]
-With extra cayenne, like you like it.
[exclaiming]
-Honey, are you okay?
-Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
-Why did you do that?
-[screaming]
It's not nice to k*ll people in the house!
He was letting me drown out there!
It doesn't matter! Just...
-[screaming] Ow!
-...don't do that ever again.
Stop it. Control yourself.
Are you okay? Look at me. Look at me. You okay?
I don't know.
Apologize.
-Okay.
-[wheezing]
I'm sorry I tried to k*ll you.
I apologize.
There. It's all better.
Okay? See? We're friends again.
Right? Okay. Good.
Are you okay?
Rob just tried to strangle me. [sniffs]
Actually, he didn't try. He was really strangling me.
If you want to sue Rob, I'll understand. I can testify for you, if you want me to.
When he was strangling me, my whole life flashed in front of me.
And there wasn't much there.
Thanks, everybody.
[man moaning]
[cell phone ringing]
[chuckles] Hey, Rob.
Hey, Jamie. Happy New Year's. What are you up to, pal?
Not much.
If you're not doing nothing, come by the house.
Really? Okay. Awesome, man.
Yeah. Well, Paty and I are in Vegas,
but, uh, we need somebody to let the dog out.
Yeah, the dog sitter got invited to some fancy New Year's Eve party.
Anyway, there's probably a big pile in the backyard.
-If you can get that too, it'd be awesome.
-Yeah, no problem.
-Hey, pick up some Chinese food on me.
-[sighs] That sounds great!
And give it to the guy at the gate. It's kind of a New Year's Eve tradition.
Okay, pal. Thanks.
-Okay. Happy New
-
-
-[line disconnects]
[sighs]
I just kept thinking, "What if this is it?"
What if I die right here, right now?
What would people say about me?
Hmm.
Would I have meant anything to anybody?
Jamie, it's perfectly normal for someone your age
to be asking these questions.
You're almost , and you're still getting someone else's dry cleaning.
How has it taken this long for you to become suicidal?
I'm not suicidal.
Sure you're not, Jamie.
Look, here's what I think.
You need to find your own happiness. You can't make Rob your only priority.
[sighs]
What should my priority be?
Well, for me, Miranda's my priority.
I gave up on my own happiness years ago.
But you still have time. Have fun. Enjoy life.
I wouldn't know where to start.
I know what you need. You need a nice Latina in your life.
I can help you with that.
Rob, is there anything you would like to say to Jamie?
Actually, there is.
Jamie, I'm sorry I tried to strangle you.
Especially on garbage night. Please take it out.
What?
Do you want to take it out?
When we finish these school tours, we're gonna have a serious conversation.
k*lling you is a priority.
Finding a good school for Miranda is a higher priority.
-Okay. Good.
-This school is not a bad option.
Hi! Welcome. Welcome to Organic Preschool.
No matter how many times I do this tour, I just love it.
Here at the California Organic Farm School,
we provide a nature
-based education.
Nature
-based?
The mission of our school
is to completely submerge the children into sustainable farming methodology.
We don't believe in the traditional classroom.
The moment they get here,
they start collecting eggs from the chickens,
feeding the pigs, and planting seeds in the garden.
-Ooh. That sounds good.
-Yeah. What about math?
Math is learned organically.
The kids count inventory and handle the real money
that the farm is bringing in from the sale of our produce.
Nothing is off limits.
Sounds wonderful.
The children learn skills that they can take into the real world.
-Hmm.
-[hammering]
Is that safe?
Oh, yes. As safe as any real farm.
And you keep them here for eight hours a day?
Yes. Drop off time is at :, and pickup is at :.
Unless, of course, it's harvest time.
Then the children are here for hours.
Picking strawberries and picking all the tomatoes.
Twelve hours seems like a lot for a four
-year
-old,
but you know what you're doing.
Twelve, sometimes fourteen. It's one of the best times we have here.
-Hmm.
-[engine starts]
This cannot be legal.
We pride ourselves on teaching the children responsibility,
perseverance, and prioritizing by completing these activities.
That makes a lot of sense.
Hmm. I'm Mexican. I think I know what you're doing here. [chuckles]
I'm not sure what you mean.
I'm not paying you $ a month
so my little girl can be one of your migrant farm workers.
My cousin, Raul, he does this kind of work,
but he gets paid for it.
I've never looked at it that way.
We're leaving.
-[Rob] Hmm.
-[chicken clucking]
Would you like to see the chicken coop?
[woman] Welcome to Mini S.T.A.R.S. Academy.
-Thank you.
-Did you fill out the questionnaire?
Yeah. Why do they need to know my Social Security number?
Oh, it's just a questionnaire.
-Do I have a Swiss bank account?
-We ask that of all of the parents.
Huh.
All right. "Parents' net worth." My STARmeter rating?
Yes. It's just procedure.
We ask the parents before we take them on the tour.
-Before? Oh, uh... Before the tour.
-[cell phone ringing]
-Just do it.
-Ooh.
Excuse me a second. It's my agent. Hang on.
Oh, no. Of course. We want you making that money.
-[both laugh]
-Yeah.
'Cause we're gonna want your money.
-Sounds like it.
-[both laugh]
-Okay. Hang on.
-Okay.
Hey, Sam. I've only got seconds, okay?
Hey, I love the Civil w*r belt by the way.
But Patricia wasn't very excited about it.
What is this exactly?
That is our language laboratory. It is amazing.
Your daughter will be proficient in reading and writing
in five different languages by the age of nine.
Look, things are a little tight right now, you know?
I have a daughter to think about. She's my number one priority.
So I can't buy anything else right now.
We use a
-D hologram technology.
We bring in linguistic teachers from all around the world.
-Wow. [laughs]
-Yes. The children love it.
They don't understand it, but they love it.
From the Chippewa tribe?
[Sam] Yep. s. Chippewa. Fetish necklace with bear claws.
Does it come with a buffalo hide strap?
-Uh
-huh.
-Is it beaded?
-$,.
-$,?
-Yep. You want it?
-I'm in.
-Sold! All yours.
-Get it.
-It's waiting on you.
-[woman] Hi.
-What'd I miss?
-Oh. This is like Disneyland.
-[chuckles] This is part of the school?
-Yes. It's over two acres.
And we just put in that roller coaster, but it's very safe.
And they learn math as they do the coaster. Anyway...
[Patricia] This sounds like it's our school, honey.
Is that a UFO?
Yes, it is! Ding
-ding! [chuckles] Nice job noticing.
We have a very science
-based curriculum here.
Speaking of, sit right there.
I just need to hook you up to this electrode
and measure your energy.
It's a very, very important part of our process.
-It's really fascinating stuff.
-Okay.
Do either of you have any metal in your mouth?
Any fillings? Anything I need to know about?
-No.
-Okay.
-All right.
-I have earrings. Is that, uh...
No, just don't put 'em in your mouth.
I think I know what this is, honey.
Thank you very much for your time, but I don't think our kid's gonna go here.
-You're gonna homeschool?
-We're not even gonna do that.
We're just gonna turn on the TV and see what happens.
That's pretty much what happened to me.
We should go.
Thank you. But I appreciate it. It's a beautiful school.
-[stammers]
-I love the slide.
I just need you to, um, give me some money before you go.
-Oh, I just left my purse in the car.
-Well, I can't let you leave, then.
We're not letting our kid... Our kid's not gonna be going here.
I know you're... I know that, but I have to have $ so you can leave.
It was on the questionnaire.
[stutters] See?
You got to be careful filling out that sh*t.
Okay, I think I got a little bit of money.
-Here we go.
-Okay. I will take that from you, sir.
It fell right there. It fell right down...
-Where?
-Right down there. Right down...
Hey! This is only $!
God damn it. Excuse me!
Don't worry, honey. We're gonna find a good preschool for Miranda.
Not even thinking about that.
I was trying to figure out a good place for me to take a nap.
Okay, I'm taking Miranda to the park.
Yes, come on.
-Yes.
-[whooping]
[sighs]
[screaming]
[breathing heavily]
Jamie!
Hey. They hooked up your sauna,
and I picked up your thing from Frontier Sam's.
-There's a f*cking spider. k*ll it!
-Oh, sh*t.
Don't use that.
It's a Native American treasure. Just step on it.
How? I don't have any shoes on.
Patricia doesn't let me wear shoes around the house.
Just do it. Don't be a p*ssy. k*ll it.
-You want me to step on it with my sock?
-Yes. The sock will protect you.
-sh*t!
-Did you get it?
-I think I missed it. [grunts]
-There it is. k*ll it!
-I think I got it.
-Good.
-Ow.
-What?
-That hurt.
-What hurt?
I think it bit me.
I thought you said the sock would protect me.
Ow.
It can't bite you through your sock. It's not possible.
Holy sh*t.
-What is that?
-That's nothing.
-What do I do?
-I know what you do.
You take your sock, you wipe up the rest of this spider
and you flush it down the toilet. That's what you do.
Come on, do it.
Look at that tooth. It's f*ckin' awesome.
That is cool.
[Patricia] Rob?
-Hey!
-Yes?
I met someone at the park that told me about this amazing preschool.
That's great news, honey! [stutters] Is it close by here?
Yeah. Five minutes away. It's passion based.
All organic vegan food. All the teachers have master's degrees.
-It's perfect.
-Ha! Let's go there right now.
Oh, yeah.
But here's the thing.
It's close, it's healthy, I think she'll love it.
But the bad news is, since it's so good, there's a gigantic waiting list.
-Huh! [sighs]
-Ow!
-That just sucks.
-Why would you do that?
I am just so angry. [grunts] At that waiting list.
[grunting]
Screw them.
Yeah, well, Miranda basically has no chance getting in this year.
But, uh, I'll see what I can do.
[yells] I'll do anything to get her in there.
We will just have to talk to them. Maybe make a donation.
And we'll, uh... we'll get her in there. [clears throat]
-What is that?
-What is what?
-I think you're hiding something.
-I'm not hiding anything.
-No?
-No.
Let me see. What are you hiding?
-Let me see that.
-I'm not hiding...
Oh, my God! Spiders! Spiders!
Ah! What the heck?
Jamie, I told you to get rid of the... Not just spray outside.
They never sprayed outside. You had me call and cancel, remember?
What? Why is it so impossible for you to do anything?
And what is this?
Now, before you get upset, that is a Chippewa shaman back molar.
Very rare.
I don't give a sh*t.
You paid $, for an old tooth?
But it includes a buffalo strap and bear claws.
I didn't know I married the f*cking tooth fairy.
I'm gonna take this back to the store.
-I don't think you can return that.
-Watch me.
By the way, Miranda and I are sleeping in a hotel tonight
while you both take care of this spider festival.
And you have a date with my friend. Friday.
-I'll be ready.
-Good.
I thought you were my friend.
Thanks for throwing me under the bus earlier.
You tried to k*ll me today, and you didn't even feel bad about it.
Patricia saved my life.
I'm not gonna lie to her anymore.
Jamie, everyone lies. It's the right thing to do.
Come on. Can you imagine how horrible this world would be
if everybody told the truth all the time?
But she always finds out.
Wouldn't it be easier to just tell her the truth?
Jamie, a big part of your job is lying and keeping things from Patricia.
Now, if you can't do that, maybe you can't work for me anymore.
Well, maybe that's not such a bad idea...
[sighs]
-[grunting]
-What happened?
You had a seizure, young man.
So I had to put this spoon in your mouth so you wouldn't eat your tongue.
You can thank me the next time you taste food.
-I don't feel very good.
-Hmm?
I think it has something to do with the spider bite.
That was a tiny spider.
Most probably not poisonous. But... let's take a look.
-[sniffs] Mmm
-hmm.
-[groans]
[vomiting]
Yeah, I'd go see somebody. [sniffs]
You owe me a new table.
[spraying]
[coughing]
I hope you like Mexican food. Really good one here.
Oh, let's try this. Looks yummy.
Mmm. It's not too spicy for you?
No. I've built up a tolerance eating Patricia's food.
At first, I thought she was trying to k*ll me.
-But now I love it.
-[laughs] That's great, Jamie.
It still burns on the way out.
Oh. [chuckles softly]
Just in time.
Mmm.
This is delicious. Do you want a sip?
Oh, I want one, but I can't.
I haven't had anything to drink... man, since the fire.
Okay, um...
Do you know at a certain temperature, everything burns?
Um...
Okay. So, uh, tell me a little bit more about yourself.
Yeah, okay. Well, I was an only child.
-Mmm
-hmm.
-I had two parents.
They both worked, you know, so they didn't have a lot of time for me.
-[chuckles softly]
-And then when my mom...
uh, found out my dad was cheating on her with her sister,
uh, the hottest aunt...
-[chuckles] Okay.
-She threatened to leave,
so I ran upstairs to grab my bag,
and when I came back downstairs, she was gone.
Oh, my gosh. And have you ever heard from her?
I heard she may have drowned...
herself.
I'm gonna have another one of these.
Sorry. It's, um... it's something important.
-No problem. Same.
-It's a little urgent. Sorry.
-Everything good?
-Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
-All right.
-Everything's great.
-Mmm.
-Chin
-chin.
-You should try this. [chuckles]
-Oh, yeah.
-It's just water. Not a lot.
-For sure. Yeah. [chuckles]
You look a little sweaty.
Is it hot in here and I'm not feeling it? Or... [chuckles]
Mmm. Oh, you know what I think it is?
I have an infection on my foot.
Now, I'm no stranger to foot infections...
[stammers] You know what, it's easier if I just show you.
-Mmm...
-Look at this thing. Whoa.
I think the pus should mostly be gone by now,
but you should have seen this thing...
No more spiders.
You'll be happy. I used a shitload of chemicals.
Good.
Sleeping here last night probably took a couple of years off my life.
But our daughter's safety is what's most important.
No worries. You're half Filipino. You're probably gonna live forever.
Oh, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get Miranda into that new school.
No need. I took care of it myself.
You did? That's awesome. How'd you do it?
It turns out the principal of the school
is a huge collector of historical artifacts,
just like yourself.
You see? I'm not the only one who values those priceless treasures.
-Wait. What do you mean?
-Well,
he loves his new Civil w*r belt and the Indian molar.
You did not! That molar is a one of a kind.
That's exactly what he said.
[chuckles] But you know what he liked even more?
The matching Civil w*r uniform that I found hidden in your office.
How dare you!
Oh, well, it also helped that you donated your infrared sauna to the school.
What?
Now the teachers will have a lower viral load.
What else did you take? God damn it. assh*le.
Beads or a chief's blanket?
You better not have touched my Indian moccasins.
[theme music playing]
02x02 - Priorities
"Real Rob" is "an exaggerated yet brutally honest depiction of [Rob] Schneider's real life", while living in Hollywood.