[blender whirring]
What the hell was that noise in the kitchen?
Was the gardener using the leaf blower inside the house?
-That was the blender.
-Oh.
-Well, jeez. No wonder I couldn't sleep.
-I couldn't sleep either.
Maybe because I was the one operating the blender.
Well, could you put a pillow over it next time? Because it's crazy, crazy loud.
I was making breakfast for Miranda.
Maybe you could make it in the garage tomorrow?
Maybe you could sleep in the garage tomorrow.
I think you should try oatmeal. It's nutritious and relatively quiet.
That's a great idea. You should make that for her tomorrow.
On second thought, a shake is more nutritious.
Will you wake me up in an hour? I'm still a little tired.
It's Miranda's first day of school.
Oh, I almost forgot. I'm sure she'll do great.
You're not coming?
I'd love to, but I told Jamie I'd help with the spare garage.
Putting away our stuff from the storage unit.
I told you to get rid of all that stuff from the storage unit,
not to bring it to our new house! Come on!
You really want me to go? Because I'll go.
But I assumed you wanted it to be one of those mother
-daughter things.
I don't want to step on that.
Get your selfish ass up and get dressed.
Okay, I'm coming.
In five minutes.
Oh! f*ck! My eyeballs! Jesus!
You'll have to drive, 'cause I can't see sh*t now.
[theme music playing]
Okay, Miranda, you have a great first day of school, okay?
-Thank you.
-Give me a kiss.
-I love you. Have fun.
-All right.
All right.
-You take her in?
-Yeah, sure.
-All right. I'm gonna go...
-Come on.
...see what the parents are doing over here.
-Sure.
-All right. Have fun, Miranda!
[Miranda] Bye!
You can do it.
Thank you.
Hi. Hi. Oh. Hi, how are you?
Oh, what do we have here?
Oh, we have non
-GMO organic coffee,
fair
-trade organic hot chocolate and gluten
-free pastries.
Oh, I'll take a fair
-trade organic hot chocolate, please.
You got it.
-All right, that will be $.
-$?
It's made with organic raw cocoa from a single
-family farm,
and it's raw organic milk.
Better be. f*ck.
-That includes free refills.
-[scoffs]
I hope you guys can still make a profit giving away free refills.
Mr. Schneider! I am so glad that we're gonna have your child
attend the Healthy Organic Positive Education school.
Or as we like to call it, HOPE.
[chuckles] I just hope we can afford it.
[laughing]
I'm sure you're doing just fine with all your films and your TV stuff.
Actually,
if you have a second, I'd love to talk to you
about how we're able to be the number one, off
-the
-grid sustainable,
negative carbon school in Southern California.
I'd love to hear about that.
We're % organic and vegetarian,
completely solar
-powered,
and we focus on educating our students in environmental awareness.
That's what we try to do at home.
That's so great. But trying to keep up those high standards, we need help.
Absolutely! You know, most parents don't want to get involved.
But you just tell me what you need.
Whether it's, you know, picking up garbage around the school, or watering the plants,
or parking cars, cleaning the bathrooms...
You just tell me what you need, and I'll make sure my assistant comes and does it.
Thank you, that is very helpful.
But what we really need is funding.
[gulps]
I kind of thought that the $, a year for tuition for my three
-year
-old
was sort of taking care of that.
[laughs] I wish.
The thing that's so fantastic about our school
is that we help low
-income families try to come to our school
by paying most of their tuition.
Donations from other, wealthier parents
help these kids have a chance at HOPE. Literally.
Well, maybe I can give you some stuff from my movies,
and you can use it for, like, a school auction.
We prefer monetary donations, uh, stocks, real estate. Anything you can afford.
Real estate?
Even something as little as $,.
Every little bit helps.
You just made me waste $ worth of organic hot chocolate!
Sorry. Um...
I was having a nice conversation with your husband.
-Oh, good. Ooh, these look
-
-
-Don't touch that!
[stammers] Have a great time at the rest of the fundraiser.
Thank you.
I've got to talk to Paul McCartney's guitarist.
That's Dusty Lane.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs] Paul McCartney's guitarist?
Oh... No.
Paul McCartney's played with the same band
longer than he did with Wings or even the Beatles.
Ooh.
I think that would be very impressive if I was over .
You don't appreciate anything. It's the f*ckin' Beatles!
Here's $. Buy a muffin.
And I said she can be a part of...
So f*cking cool.
Maybe we should keep the stuff for a few more months.
No. I know you.
"A few more months" is gonna turn into many more months.
Just throw it away or sell it.
Aha! So you admit it.
You could "sell" my stuff. It has value. It's valuable.
It's not just useless, fake sh*t anymore, is it?
-You hear that, Jamie?
-What?
[glass shattering]
Careful, you assh*le! That stuff's worth more than you are.
Sorry.
Look, I don't care if you throw it away or sell it or burn it!
Just get rid of all this crappy, fake furniture
you've been hoarding from house to house.
Infidel! You don't get it.
I'm sorry, but there are some things that you're not an expert in.
And one of those things on that very long list
just happens to be th
-century antique Tibetan furniture.
Believe me, if there's someone expert in antiques, it's me.
You know why? Because I live with one.
[groans] Rob, a little help?
Someone has to go through this stuff.
Huh.
It's the original sh**ting script to Deuce Bigalow: African Gigolo.
Never made that one. Hmm.
Yeah, I just need to get this down
-
-
I have to make sure nothing valuable gets thrown away.
Come on.
Can you get me that green thing next?
[stammers] I was thinking I'd get all the stuff from back
-
-
Stop complaining!
The man who signs your checks said,
"Give me the green thing next to the white thing."
-So do it.
-[sighs]
-How am I going to get over there?
-Use common sense. Come on.
-[creaks]
-You c**t!
Respect the hand
-painted antique furniture!
Sorry.
Come on. This is worth thousands of dollars! If you can find it.
It's what I used to get up here.
Well, that was stupid. Now give me the green bag.
Sorry.
Come on.
-[grunts]
-There you go. Yeah.
-I got it.
-Careful!
-[thuds]
-[objects clattering]
Thanks, buddy.
[laughing]
Oh, it still holds up. Man...
What are we gonna do with all this stuff again?
We're gonna take this furniture to some antique dealers, okay?
Whoever wants it the most can have it. Might even be a bidding w*r.
Why don't you put it on Craigslist?
Because, first of all, Craigslist doesn't handle high
-end antiques.
And second of all, I don't know how to do that.
Can I have that?
-No.
-Oh...
[sighs]
-Hi.
-Hi!
How was her first day of school?
Well, not too bad, actually. She did great.
And maybe tomorrow, she'll make a friend.
What do you mean?
Miranda is starting school a couple months later than the other kids.
And, you know, the girls, they already have their cliques.
Cliques?
Some of them have had playdates outside of class.
-Playdates?
-Yeah.
It's okay. She's just gonna take a little time to integrate, that's all.
Who is the most popular kid in the class?
What? No. Um...
No, um, in this early childhood class, we stress equality.
Okay? We don't choose favorites.
I know. But if you had to?
[stutters] No. It's not a popularity thing.
If you really, really had to, though?
Wow. You are persistent.
Okay, um...
I guess the girls gravitate towards Sunny.
Her?
The would be the one with the blonde ponytail, yes.
How do I get a playdate with that kid?
We schedule our playdates with this form.
Okay. You just take this, fill this out, and then we give it to the child
to pass on to her mom and her dad.
Just put your number on it.
And I will put that in Sunny's backpack.
Thank you. I'll take care of it.
Or that.
-Sunny?
-Yeah?
-This is for your mom.
-Okay.
And this is for you.
Nothing?
Hold on.
-Ha
-ha!
-[gasps]
[chuckles] Beautiful, huh?
You have to make sure this playdate happens.
-Understand?
-Yes.
And bring three of your friends.
Just the cool ones.
[sighs]
[Jamie pants]
-Yeah, this is it.
-Okay.
-Come on. Come on. Come on.
-[pants]
[door chimes]
Okay. [grunts]
Could you... Rob?
What the f*ck? Oh!
This is your lucky day.
Get ready to be blown away.
Ooh. Very nice. It's very good.
You know, the monks in the Ming dynasty,
they used to take the drawers and put scrolls and sometimes some opium.
It looks like kyungbur technique, huh? A little gypsum, a little natural dye.
It's very good.
That's what I insisted on. I said,
"It better be that kyungbur technique, or I don't want it."
-That's what I told 'em.
-[chuckles]
It's very rare. Very good condition, too.
You'd probably get about $,.
Ten thou... Why aren't you recording this?
-Oh, yeah.
-So I can play it for Patricia.
-Get that $, part.
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Hold on. Hold, hold...
This a very good replica. Very good.
Replica?
You could tell that by licking it?
Yeah.
It's not a replica.
[stutters] I bought this in Singapore off a Chinese guy.
Oh, really? Some Chinese guy? What store?
I don't know what store. It was all in Chinese.
But I spent $, on this thing.
You didn't ask for certificate for authentication? Or
-
-
Why do I need a certificate for it? You can...
Look. Look how old it is. It's beautiful. It's old.
-The gypsum
-
-
-Thank you so much for coming by.
But I only buy authentic antiques.
So you can take this brown box
-
-
This is authentic. How can you tell it's a replica?
Okay! The taste.
They used to seal the original with yak fat.
This not yak fat. This is, like, car wax.
It tastes like yak fat to me.
No. When did you last have yak fat?
-It's been a while, but it's, like, %
-
-
-No, car wax. Not yak fat.
That's yak fat.
This right here is car wax, dum
-dum.
No, it's goat
-like, but way mountain
-y goat.
That's f*cking yak fat.
Lick all you want, okay?
Take this brown piece of sh*t and get out of my store.
-Look, this... I'm telling you
-
-
-Okay, we're closing. Thank you!
Do you want me to lick it and do a tiebreaker?
Just pick it up. Let's go. I'll get a second opinion.
Go get a second opinion.
Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna go. Yak fat, yourself.
What do you think?
We take % commission.
%? Seems like a lot.
Well, we're storing it for you until we can sell it.
What price did you have in mind?
Well, since you're taking %, I'd like at least $, for it.
I think a reasonable price would be $.
-That's $ for you.
-[stammering]
Fifty bucks for me?
Yeah.
I'd rather take the splinters of wood and shove it up my pee hole.
$. Come on, let's go. Let's get out of here. No. Thank you!
Yeah, thank you. Have a nice day.
[Rob] Well?
Yeah, we don't want it.
You don't... You don't want it?
-But it's free.
-Nobody would want that.
You can throw it in our dumpster if you want.
But I have to charge you a dumpster fee.
Are you f*cking insane?
Excuse me for one second. How may I help you?
I'd like to donate these.
Oh, this is wonderful!
This is fantastic.
Oh! Italia!
-Oh, my, my...
-[stammering] You'll take this old shoe?
This? You like this sh*t?
-[Jamie] Rob?
-You prefer this?
-[man] No. ugh.
-You prefer this!
-Rob?
-What?
Should I still record this for Patricia?
[glass shatters]
Sorry you didn't have a customary satisfactory day.
Miranda didn't have the best first day at the school. That breaks my heart.
Why? What happened?
Well, since she started a little late, all the kids already know each other.
They didn't play with her.
Well, what can we do?
Well, I'm going to have the most memorable playdate those kids have ever seen.
That way they can see how cool Miranda is.
And how amazing it is to hang out with her.
Well, that could work.
[Patricia sighs]
Was Dusty there?
No, everything is pretty clean.
No, Dusty. McCartney's guitarist.
Oh, yes. I said hi to him on the way out.
Did he ask about me?
No.
Hey, why don't you sleep in tomorrow? Let me take Miranda to school.
Why?
Well, you deserve a break. You do so much.
Aw. You're such a good husband.
I wish I didn't know your real motivation is to try to become Dusty's new friend.
That didn't even occur to me.
I mean, if it happens, great.
But I just want to take our daughter to school tomorrow.
Yeah.
-I don't know what you're talking about.
-[scoffs]
Good night.
Good night.
[speaks Spanish]
[softly] What if I get to meet Paul McCartney?
Hi, Paul. [chuckles softly]
-[Mrs. Betty] About your Miranda.
-[Rob] Mmm
-hmm.
I told Patricia yesterday, there is nothing to worry about.
Mmm
-hmm. Mmm
-hmm.
As soon as she settles in, the other kids will start to play with her.
Okay.
You can also stay a bit longer and play with her
if it makes her feel more comfortable.
Oh... Aw!
-I'm sure she'll be fine.
-[Mrs. Betty] Yeah.
[Rob] Okay. Okay, Miranda...
Hey, what you got there?
-[Miranda] You could play with the people.
-I could play with the...
[Dusty humming]
Hi.
I'm, uh... It's Rob Schneider.
Uh, I'm Dusty.
-Yeah, Dusty... Dusty Lane.
-Yeah.
-Great to finally meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
[chuckles]
Isn't it the best to be able to drive your kids to school, you know?
I mean, guys like us get a break from the road.
Got to take advantage of that quality time.
You got that right.
Yeah, yeah. Can you believe we're paying for those kids' tuition?
[scoffs] It's insane.
-[boy squeals]
-Hola.
Ah. I feel privileged to be in a position to help.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
I mean, it's insane how good it feels to be able to, you know, help those kids.
Okay, Rob. Uh, nice to meet you.
Uh, I got to go rehearse. Um, we have a gig tonight.
[stammers]
-Uh, where will you be performing tonight?
-Oh, San Diego.
San Diego!
I was thinking about driving down there. You know, to San Diego.
-Mmm
-hmm. Oh, cool.
-Tonight, actually.
[muffled] Say hi to Paul for me.
What did you say?
Nothing. Nothing. Just, uh, have a good show.
[engine starts]
Uh, Dean Edelstein!
Okay, right that way.
-Hi. How's Miranda enjoying the school?
-She's not enjoying it.
None of the other kids are playing with her.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Um, I'm sure once she settles in,
she'll feel camaraderie with the other kids.
Here's the thing. Since my wife and I are paying for the tuition
of these other "less
-fortunate" kids so they could socially interact
with kids outside their "economic" sphere of influence
and have their only "healthy meal" of the day,
they should, at the least, be forced to play with our kid.
And you need to make 'em do it.
[stammers]
-Forced?
-Yes.
This way, they'll feel like they're actually earning their tuition.
Something their parents obviously didn't do.
You might be overreacting. It's just her first day.
[chuckles softly] I don't give a sh*t. Make 'em do it.
Otherwise, my wife and I will find
some other environmentally
-socially responsible school
and overpay that one.
All right?
You'll figure it out. You're the dean.
I'm on it.
This, Jamie, is going to be the best playdate ever.
[speaks Spanish]
[chuckles]
Don't forget to pick up the playdate gifts for the girls.
Oh, I am on it. I'm supposed to pick 'em up in an hour.
What happened to your phone?
[speaks Spanish]
[Patricia sighs]
I need to get some pillows.
Welcome to Miranda's playdate.
We have a bunch of treats, and you can get your face painted.
Hey, look at that. Miranda and Sunny in the bouncy house.
Come on. Let's go. Run, run, run!
[indistinct chatter]
[children squealing]
This is the best playdate ever!
[kids chattering]
[puppy whimpering]
Hey! Who's ready for lunch?
[Miranda] Me!
[Patricia] Ooh. All right!
Cupcake!
Okay, girls, the biggest surprise yet.
-Come over to the pool. Go ahead.
-Ooh.
Come on over to the pool.
[chirping]
Holy sh*t!
[all squealing]
[all laughing]
-[continues chirping]
-[cheering]
-[Patricia chuckles]
-It's good.
That was a hell of a playdate. You nailed it.
Well, your dolphin took it to the next level.
-Yeah.
-Was that safe?
For him?
No.
Well, I gotta get going.
I'm gonna see Paul McCartney live in concert tonight.
-I was personally invited.
-Wow.
-You want to come?
-I can't.
Oh, why not?
Well, I have to return the puppies.
And I have to clean up all that dolphin sh*t.
Oh, I saw a couple of big ones in the shallow end.
Make sure and use a net, not your hand.
-Okay.
-Love you.
Say hi to Paul for me.
-[beeps]
-You're good.
Hi. Uh, ticket under "Schneider, Rob."
Oh, uh, let me look.
Uh, is... is there any other name it could be under?
Uh, maybe "Dusty."
-"Dusty," okay.
-[Rob] Mmm
-hmm.
-Uh, I'm not seeing it.
-You're not seeing it?
No, no Dusty.
I'm friends with, uh, Paul McCartney's guitarist.
-[chuckles softly]
-Dusty Lane. He invited me.
Would you like to buy a ticket like everyone else?
Yeah, sure, I'll support my friend.
Thank you.
Okay. Thanks.
Next.
-[people cheering]
-Thank you, San Diego!
We're gonna take a short break, and we'll be right back.
You've been wonderful!
[groans]
[sighs]
-Hi, honey.
-Hey.
Rob Schneider is here. He wants to say hi.
-What? He's here?
-Yeah.
Oh, God! Let him know, um...
Let him know I'm feeling a little under the weather...
-Of course.
-...and, uh, you know,
-I can see him another time...
-Dusty! Wow. Dusty, what a show.
-Rob, uh, what a surprise. Wow.
-Great to see you.
Thanks for inviting me. Great show. Really enjoyed that.
The first half. Um, honestly.
But which, uh... which Beatles' albums were those songs from?
[stammers] 'Cause I don't recollect them.
They're not Beatles songs. They're my songs. They're my originals.
That's cool Paul lets you do that, you know?
Your own songs, you know, so people get to hear it.
I wouldn't. [laughs] You know?
Anyway, so, uh, does Paul just play the second half of the show, or...
Not that the first half wasn't great.
The audience seemed to be really getting into those, uh, obscure songs.
Listen, man. This is my show. This is my band. There is no Paul.
-No Paul?
-Mmm. No Paul.
-Not even a little Paul?
-Not even a tiny Paul.
Wow.
That was a long drive. Yeah.
But who needs Paul, right? I mean... Or Ringo. [chuckles]
-Especially Ringo. Who needs him, right?
-[Dusty] Mmm.
But anyway, I brought a few things, uh, if you can, uh... Here.
If you can just get Sir Paul to sign a few of these things for me?
You know, whatever he wants.
He doesn't have to sign all of 'em. Just most of 'em.
Yeah, well, okay, Rob, look, um...
I've... I've gotta go back on stage in there in a minute. Uh...
Yeah, it was nice you could drop by. Maybe we'll see you some other time.
[stammers] Well, see you at school for sure.
-Yeah. Okay.
-[Rob] All right.
I enjoyed it. It was good. Tell Paul I said hi.
-And if you see Ringo...
-What a f*cking dickhead.
-That's so lucky. [chuckles]
-Hi.
Hi, Miranda. Hi!
Hi. So, I haven't seen Dusty in a couple of days.
Uh, he come by yet today?
Oh, I'm afraid you won't be seeing Dusty anymore.
Yeah. They decided to take their daughter Sunny out of school.
Why?
Apparently, she went on some amazing playdate.
Now nothing is fun for her anymore, including us. [chuckles]
Also, some of the parents at the school were making him feel uncomfortable.
I don't know what that's about, but, anyway...
-Good to see you.
-Yeah.
Okay, now... Now, what would you like to do?
[Miranda speaking indistinctly]
[gasps] You wanna go up in the house? Let's go. Come on. Let's go.
I was so close to being friends with Paul McCartney.
A Beatle.
Does that mean that I'm driving Miranda to school in the morning?
Yes. It does.
I'm sorry, baby. I know how much it meant to you.
Hey, I have a question.
What did you end up doing with the Tibetan chest?
Oh, um...
It's finally getting appreciated the way it deserves.
Mmm
-hmm. Yeah.
[bell chiming]
[yelling and grunting]
Good job, baby.
Good night, baby.
-Good night.
-[crying] Why, Paul McCartney?
Why don't you wanna be my friend? Why don't you wanna be my friend?
There's only two left.
[theme music playing]
02x03 - Best Play Date Ever
"Real Rob" is "an exaggerated yet brutally honest depiction of [Rob] Schneider's real life", while living in Hollywood.