[Rob] Love of my life, light of my world...
-[Patricia] Oh...
-Desayuno.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
Wow. This is a really nice review on my soap opera.
Mmm. I have no idea what that feels like.
It says, "The character of Natalia..." Me.
"...is refreshingly genuine.
An authentic take on a self
-made, empowered Latin woman
triumphing over adversity."
That's great, baby. Beautiful.
I wasn't sure how I'd feel about acting, but now I get it.
Acting is like recreating human behavior without any of the artifice.
Feels so good to inspire others.
[chuckles]
Yeah, well, that's what I've been trying to do all these years.
Inspire people and sh*t.
Hey, that's good that, you know, you got your little show there.
I just wish more people'd watch it,
you know, so you can inspire a whole bunch of people.
Not just, you know, some old ladies.
[clears throat]
Thanks for the almost compliment.
It's funny. I actually got offered an interesting role.
It's a drama.
-Really?
-Yeah.
I mean, it's an indie movie. There's no money.
But, uh... you know, it'd be nice to try a different role.
I mean, I'm very grateful for the roles I've got,
but it'd be great to do something
where I don't feel so typecast as some goofy comedian.
You should totally do it.
I think you'd be great in a dramatic role.
But getting back to my show that no one watches,
don't forget I'm leaving to San Diego for the sh**t of the finale.
I'll have my parents to come over and help with Miranda.
You don't need to have your parents come over. I can handle it.
It's kinda fun to have you be the one doing the work and...
me being the one to stay home.
-[chuckles]
-Yes. What?
That's okay. Um...
To make your life easier, I hired a cleaning lady.
I thought we were doing that ourselves.
And by doing it ourselves, you mean me doing it myself?
Yeah.
Is she hot?
Because the less attractive they are, the better they are at cleaning.
I hired two topless maids one time to clean the house.
They didn't even bring cleaning supplies.
[theme music playing]
[Patricia] I'm sorry, I can't. I have to work.
But maybe next time I'll do it. Okay. Thank you.
Bye.
What was that?
I had to cancel my excitement speech at Miranda's school.
-"Excitement speech"?
-[sighs]
What the hell is that?
Once a month, they invite a parent to talk about what they're excited about.
So that helps the kids identify what they're excited about.
Mmm. That sounds really boring.
So, what are you excited about?
Guess.
Uh... Me?
This is about real excitement.
Well, that f*cking sucks. Then what?
I was gonna talk about how excited I am about my mixed martial arts training.
[sighs] Too bad the kids are gonna miss out
on you being excited about two adults b*ating the sh*t out of each other.
Well, I just wish I could find someone to sub for me.
I'll do it.
-Come on.
-Seriously?
Seriously. I don't mind. I'll make it happen.
[scoffs] Okay.
What're you cooking there, little lady?
-I have your script for tomorrow.
-Oh! You can leave it over there, Jamie.
Oh, I wish I could come with you.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Did you get rid of the hornet's nest like I asked you to?
I'm still trying to find a guy that doesn't use chemicals.
Just do it yourself. It's empty.
It's an old hornet's nest. Take it down and get rid of it.
-How do you know it's empty?
-Have you seen any hornets?
No, but maybe they've been enjoying the indoors.
Just do it.
If these hornets do come back,
I don't want them moving into their old home in my backyard.
Okay. Fine. But I'm gonna need to buy some protective gear.
Yes, buy some protective gear, you f*cking p*ssy.
I'm excited about the talk at the school.
-What's it called again?
-The Kids' Excitement Project.
-What are you gonna talk to them about?
-That's the thing.
I not gonna talk to them about anything. I'm gonna listen.
It's their excitement project, not mine.
Just don't try to show them how much smarter than them you are.
They're just kids.
-I don't do that.
-I've never seen you not doing that.
I got this.
-Would you like me to zip
-
-
-Thank you.
-If I can, I can
-
-
-Carry it?
I can carry it. I can carry it. Sure, I can carry it.
-I'll see you guys tomorrow night.
-Okay. Fun.
Are you sure you can handle this by yourself?
Yes, go. We'll be fine.
That's a little bit too much food for Miranda.
It's not for Miranda. It's for me.
What's Miranda gonna have?
I don't know. I haven't asked her.
-Where is Miranda?
-How should I know?
It's a huge house.
Find her!
Yes, yes. I'll find her. I'll find her right now.
Miranda! Miranda!
Miranda! Miranda!
Miranda. Miranda!
Would you like some sugar and milk in your tea, Jamie?
Yes, please.
Thank you.
Daddy, did you want some... some sugar and cream?
No. I'll just take mine black. But thank you.
-And who wants some toast?
-I want some!
Mmm. Thank you.
-Daddy, did you want some toast?
-No, I'm trying to avoid carbs right now.
What are you doing?
I don't think you should lie to kids even when you're just playing.
Just because kids are gullible,
doesn't mean they don't deserve to hear the truth.
Dada, I made it myself. It's gluten
-free.
-Is it organic?
-Mmm... No.
All right, I'll have the toast.
-Happy now, Jamie?
-Yes.
-Miranda makes the best toast.
-[cell phone ringing]
Oops. I gotta get this.
Daddy, don't go. Play with me.
But it's Santa Claus.
It's Santa Claus? Tell Santa Claus that I'm a good girl.
I will. I'll tell him right now.
Santa Sandler. Hang on.
Jell
-O.
The Schneidman!
It's Mr. Bowman, your third grade gym teacher.
-How you doing, homeboy?
-Pretty good. How are you?
I'm f*cking around with this new drone I got.
It's, like, top of the line. The m*llitary uses this sh*t.
My neighborhood hates me. It's hilarious.
What're you up to?
Uh, same stuff. Just trying to get some sh*t going.
Right. Oh! Hey, Nobu, what are you doing?
Nobu's at your house?
I didn't want the sushi now. Remember? I said I want to eat some later.
But you already made it. I feel bad now.
[sighs] Yeah, I agreed to do this independent movie.
Is anyone in the house that you can give it to?
-Nobody's here? All right.
-[Rob speaking indistinctly]
Just leave it there. I'll eat it. Can you stay here, too?
Just watch me with the drone. It's funny.
...looking forward to showing my range as an actor, you know?
So yeah. Oh, that's good! That's good, Rob!
You know what you should do? You should go to Greece.
I'm gonna go to Greece for, like, a month.
Just to f*ckin' forget about all this dumb sh*t.
You know what I mean?
Let's just do some dumb sh*t. We'll hang out in Greece together.
Dude, I can't take a month off.
I can't even take a weekend off. I'm still doing clubs.
Hey! Doing clubs like the old days. f*cking the waitresses. I like that.
Patricia and I just moved way out of Hollywood out to Tarzana.
The Siberia of show business.
We got a little eight
-bedroom, but, man, sucks my c**t out here.
Oh, really? That's f*cking great, Schneidman!
I'm gonna see The Who tonight!
Oh, yeah? Where are they playing?
-[helicopter blades whirring]
-My backyard!
Roger Daltrey took a sh*t in my guest house. [laughs]
Can you believe that?
Imagine the eight
-year
-old version of me knowing that was coming!
He'd sh*t himself! Ah!
This f*cking, uh, police helicopter is getting near my g*dd*mn...
What's he doing?
[g*nsh*t]
Oh, my God! They sh*t it down! Are you f*cking kidding me?
Oh, Schneider, you missed it! They sh*t down my drone!
Hey, Nobu, hold that.
Hey!
f*ck you! It was Nobu!
[Rob] Sandman?
Amelia...
-Sí?
-Por favor. I have to leave.
Would you mind watching Miranda for a bit until Rob comes down?
Sure. I guess.
-Okay, thank you.
-[chuckles] De nada.
[sighs]
[speaking Spanish]
[cell phone ringing]
Hello?
What are you doing?
-Just taking a little
-minute catnap.
-Hmm.
Amelia just called me. She has to go home.
Why? What happened?
She's been waiting for you to come downstairs for the last five hours.
She hasn't been able to clean or do anything.
It has not been five hours. She's clearly exaggerating.
Did you at least feed Miranda?
I thought you fed her right before you left.
She eats three meals a day, plus a snack.
We're trying to grow a full
-size human being.
I'm gonna call my parents, and I'm gonna have them come by.
No, you don't have to. I'll handle it.
You get your ass downstairs now!
Oh, hey, Amelia.
Thanks for watching Miranda the last couple hours.
-No hay problema.
-Oh, uh...
Before you head back to your casa, can I ask you a little favor?
Yes?
You may need a stick.
[Rob] Uh
-huh.
Yeah.
There it is, Amelia. Right there.
What is it?
I don't know. Maybe a nest. Something harmless.
Huh. What do I do?
Take it down.
You can keep it.
Take it home with you.
Use it as a centerpiece for your dining room table.
[sighs]
[buzzing]
[SUV crashing]
[both screaming and exclaiming]
[Mrs. Betty] So you'll come back at the end of the semester
and check on their progress.
-Okay.
-Okay? You're gonna be great.
-Oh, thank you.
-[chuckles]
Okay, everybody.
Our guest speaker for your excitement project
is Mr. Rob Schneider.
Well, let me tell you what I'm excited about.
I'm excited to hear about your excitement projects.
All right? Okay.
Uh, let's start off. Um... What are you excited about?
I'm excited about volunteering.
I volunteered at the voting booth with my aunt.
We made sure everything was set up, including the tables and chairs.
You know what's really interesting about your excitement project?
It's that no one else would ever be excited about it.
So, you got it all to yourself, young lady.
The thing is, to find out what you're really excited about,
it's important to find out what you're not excited about.
Like, for instance, when I was a couple of years older than you guys,
I had a job in construction. Boy, did that suck.
My dad does construction.
Well, I'm sure he loves it, 'cause he has to.
I mean, I... I wanted to aim higher in my life to, um, be something else.
Anyway, what are you excited about?
I wrote a play, and someday I want it to be on Broadway.
Awesome. Now the thing is, you need to stay excited about the art of writing,
'cause chances are that's probably never gonna get made.
Okay?
Imagine me, it's tough. Imagine you, you know?
So, anyway...
Let's keep this going.
Young Indian boy.
I'm Pakistani.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Well... it's pretty close, you know.
You guys are right there. Neck and neck.
Literally, trying to k*ll each other. [clears throat]
Well, uh, what is your excitement project?
I wanna come up with a cure for diabetes.
Awesome, awesome.
You should also come up with another excitement project.
Because a lot of people, really smart people,
have tried that and failed.
You got spunk, I'll give you that.
Anybody else? Who's next?
Yes! What are you excited about?
I'm excited about brownies.
You mean, like, opening up a bakery one day? Something like that?
Nah. I just like eating them. I eat them every day.
Well, then you should be excited about trying to sit next to that guy,
'cause if you eat brownies all the time, you're gonna need that guy.
And you better hope he figures that sh*t out,
'cause, um, the pancreas is small, it's like the size of your pinkie,
and that goes... [pops] you go, you know?
But sometimes they cut your feet off first, you know.
Okay, okay, thank you. Thank you, Rob.
Okay, so then I come back at the end of the semester
-
-
No.
-So this is like a one
-er, then?
-One
-er.
Okay. Well, good!
Then, that was exciting.
Thank you for having...
Guys... I'm sorry.
Oh, honey...
Don't worry. The bad man is gone.
Hey, Rob! Hi, I'm Kaleb.
We're all so glad you decided to do this project with us.
Well, I know a good script when I see one.
[laughs] Look, I know it's not normally the budget that you work with.
Well, it's not always about the money, now, is it?
Mmm. Well, sadly to say, for most people, yeah.
Yeah, it usually is.
Some of the worst films in history were made on the biggest budgets,
while some of the greatest masterpieces were made for practically nothing.
All it took was grit, desire and real artists.
Yeah. All right, well, they're sh**ting you first.
I'll be ready to go in about half an hour.
Okay.
Well, I'm just gonna go relax, work my lines with my assistant.
-Where's my trailer?
-[laughs]
We don't have any trailers.
This thing is really low
-budget.
Uh, but if you wanna hang out outside...
Hang out outside?
Like a bird?
Well, do you at least have an umbrella so I don't get sunburned?
I don't think we have any.
Well then, you better write that into the script.
That my character gets a terrible sunburn.
How's the makeup lady gonna feel about that?
There is no makeup lady.
[stammers and slurs] There's no makeup lady.
Then, I guess you won't have a problem, because she doesn't exist.
I'll try to find an umbrella.
-What do you do here?
-I'm the second AD.
I'm also the producer and writer, and I'm not even getting paid.
That seems like a fair exchange to me.
Good quid pro quo. Little nothing for nothing.
Can someone help me find something that would work as an umbrella?
[bell rings]
-How the f*ck did I end up here?
-What do you mean?
Sandler can do whatever he wants. I don't get choices. I get this.
-Rob, I think you have a great life.
-Yeah, a person like you would think that.
I know you meant that in a good way.
It's just...
Sandler's private chef and his trailer costs more than this entire production.
Come on, Rob, it's not so bad. You want me to get you a hamburger?
-f*ck you and your heart.
-Hot dog?
It's a good thing I brought my own organic food.
I don't want to get crafty salmonella.
Oh, I love those blueberry
-
-
Then you better get in line before they run out of hot dogs.
You want a hamburger or a hot dog?
Do you have a vegetarian option?
Of course we've got a vegetarian option.
We have hamburger buns or hot dog buns with relish.
You know, they don't really do vegetarian options on movies like this.
-Oh, that's okay.
-You like eggplant?
No animals were harmed in the making of that sandwich.
[Jamie chuckles]
-So you're a vegan. Wow!
-[chuckles]
What does that mean?
Well, a vegetarian is more about what you eat,
where a vegan is more of a lifestyle.
So, like, I don't use any products that were produced by animals.
[chewing] This is pretty good.
-Pretty good? It's really good.
-Thank you.
I love it.
What do you do here?
Well, I'm the on
-set yoga instructor.
Really? I wouldn't expect that on such a low
-budget film.
[chuckles] Well, I'm also the assistant director,
boom operator, script supervisor and parking lot security.
Really?
That's a lot of responsibilities for one lady.
I've actually been meaning to get into yoga.
Really?
-And parking lot security.
-[chuckles]
It's always interested me, you know? Cars.
Cars that should not be there.
-It interests me.
-[chuckles]
Yeah, well, you look like you could use some yoga.
You know, I do feel really tight, right in my...
You know, I actually have a stretch for that.
-Really?
-Mmm
-hmm.
-You wanna try it?
-Uh, sure.
-Let's do it.
-Yeah. Okay.
Okay. Take a deep breath.
-Spread your legs a little bit.
-Okay.
And then just sink down into it.
-All right.
-Come on. Drop low.
-Nice!
-Yeah?
And then hands right to your heart.
Is it supposed to burn painfully?
Oh, yeah. It's gonna open up through here.
Go for Allison.
No, I told him not to put the van there.
He did it yesterday, too.
-Move it out!
-[breathing heavily]
[scoffs] I'm coming in.
Stay down here. My number's on the call sheet.
Call me anytime. I'm happy to do any moves you want. Okay?
-Okay.
-I gotta go.
-Loved having lunch with you.
-Me, too!
[exhales heavily]
Jamie.
You trying to pick up a quarter with your assh*le?
-Is that what's happening right now?
-Hip flexors.
"Hip flexors." You disgust me.
-There was a girl.
-Yeah, sure there was.
[Rob speaking indistinctly]
Hey, Rob.
-Hey, Michael.
-You look good, man.
-Thanks, buddy.
-You look really good.
Listen, I... I wanna say thank you for doing this, you know.
Aw, it's my pleasure, buddy. Great. It's great to be doing it with you.
Yeah. But a lot of actors, they don't wanna do low
-budget stuff.
-You know what I'm saying?
-Yeah, tell me about it.
It's an egotistical trip that they're on. And it's their loss.
Their loss, yeah. Hey, no egos here, though, huh?
[laughing] Where'd you put it?
[chuckling and stammering] It's about the work.
It's about the work. Exactly.
-That's why we're here.
-That's right. That's why we're doing it.
We're imitating human behavior.
-That's the magic.
-Exactly. Magic.
That's why we're fortunate and lucky enough to be in this business.
-And to be in here. In this warehouse.
-[chuckles] Yeah. I mean...
It ain't about the money, man.
Who needs money?
The more money there is, the less freedom you have.
That's why I'm doing it. For the freedom.
[both laughing]
f*ck money.
f*ck money, right? f*ck it.
f*ck money. Oh! f*ck money. f*ck it.
-f*ck money!
-f*ck money!
[both laughing]
I gotta take a squirt, man. I'm going to my trailer.
Okay, buddy. Trailer? What trailer, what? They said there was no money for trailers.
Oh. It's right over there.
They said specifically...
The little skinny fucker said there was no money for trailers.
I know the guy you mean. But listen, I'm a producer, too.
If you're an actor and a producer, then, uh, you can put it in your contract.
-Put it in the contract?
-In the contract. Yeah.
Well, that sucks.
-I mean, it's good for you. That's great.
-Good for me, yeah.
You know, it's cool. I got a blender. [chuckles]
[chuckles] You got a blender. Yeah.
-I don't get anything.
-Well, you know...
I didn't even get an umbrella.
[both chuckling]
It ain't raining, so you're good.
Yeah, I guess.
Kenny! You know Kenny? Have you met Kenny?
No. No, who's Kenny?
Kenny! God damn it. Kenny, where the f*ck are you?
Jesus! What are you, like, an apparition?
Where the hell were you, man?
-Hi.
-My assistant, Kenny.
Is the production paying for your assistant, too?
Well, it's in my deal, yeah.
-That's in your deal, too?
-Yeah.
[both chuckling]
-The whole production is paying for it?
-Yeah.
-For him? Your assistant? And the trailer?
-Yeah. Yeah.
[laughs] Well, why wouldn't they?
-[Michael chuckling]
-Right, yeah.
Oh, man, I could tell you some things. Listen, we're gonna go.
-[stammers] Okay?
-Okay.
-Thanks again.
-Yeah.
Thanks again. You... All right. Come on.
Adiós, man.
-Okay, Rob...
-Mmm
-hmm.
-You're an alcoholic.
-Yeah.
You're falling off the wagon tonight, okay?
-[Rob] Yeah.
-Okay?
I'm gonna need you to deliver your lines and take a huge sip of that.
-Take a sip of what?
-The whiskey.
Well, what's in there?
I'm an actor, but I'm also a person. I wanna know what I'm drinking.
It's probably apple juice or something.
Apple juice? Okay. Well, is it organic?
[scoffs and chuckles]
-Kaleb, come here!
-[Kaleb mutters]
It says it's % juice from concentrate.
-Great.
-[Rob] "Concentrate." Okay.
Doesn't mean it's organic, though, does it?
But I'll do it! You know, it's part of the scene. I'm in it.
Just deliver your lines and take a sip, okay? Can we sh**t this?
I got a question.
Okay, hold on. Your character, okay?
You just sh*t his partner right in the eye. Okay?
Blood splattered everywhere. It's the grossest thing you've ever seen.
You've never done this in your life.
Right. Uh, question is not about the character, actually.
It's about the trailer.
-The what?
-The trailer.
How come I don't have the same trailer?
He has a trailer, no trailer. Trailer, no trailer.
Trailer. I'd like a trailer.
-Are you kidding me?
-No.
-[softly] He's a producer.
-[softly] I'd like to be a producer.
-He's Michael Madsen.
-Yes, I get that.
You're Rob... You're Rob Schneider.
Thank you. I'd still like a f*cking trailer.
-Can we talk about this after the scene?
-Yes, after the scene.
We have a lot to sh**t today.
Yeah, I'll drink it. After I take this whiskey.
Love it.
-[Frank] Thanks, Rob.
-Yeah.
[Frank] Can we, uh...
-Can we settle? We're good?
-Yeah, we're good, I guess.
-[bell rings]
-[Frank] Okay.
Well, I'm not as good as I could be if I had a trailer.
-[Frank] Rolling!
-Yeah, rolling.
-Quiet on the set.
-Yeah, quiet on set.
-Not quiet in the trailer.
-[Frank] And action.
You f*cked me, Sal.
You know you f*cked me.
You know, Gino, the only thing I ever asked you for was more time.
I wish I had time.
But I don't.
[scoffs] You f*cked me, Sal.
Now you're gonna get f*cked back.
Dry.
What is he doing?
-Cut! Rob, what are doing?
-What do you mean, what am I doing?
-I took a swig. That's what I just did.
-No. You're drinking it like a cat.
That's a cat. A cat does that.
Just remember, okay? You're an alcoholic. You love whiskey.
You haven't had a drink of whiskey in, like, six years.
Yeah, whiskey from concentrate. That's what you f*cking gave me there.
Could you just do the line and then take a real sip, please?
Yeah. Sure! Why not? f*ck, yeah. Why not?
Sure. Love to.
-My pleasure. Fix it.
-Michael, you're doing an amazing job.
-Thank you very much.
-You're really f*cking good. Rob?
Yes, I get it!
Piece of sh*t's ready to go. Take two, piece of sh*t. Thank you.
-Settle.
-[Rob] Mmm.
Okay. Rolling.
And action!
-Sal?
-Yeah.
-You know why I'm here.
-Yeah.
Because what?
I don't know why the f*ck you're here. Just say it.
You f*cked me.
You f*cked me, Sal.
Now it's time for me to f*ck back.
You're threatening me now, Gino?
You gotta pay back when you borrow money, Sal.
Now it's too late.
So now comes the f*cking part.
You had your time, Sal. You dug your own grave.
You know what, Gino? Shut up.
All I ever asked you for was more time. You know I'm good for it.
Can't you find it somewhere in your heart?
If you have one.
I wish I could.
But I can't.
[laughs] He's doing it again.
-Oh, stop! Stop it! Stop it!
-[Rob] What?
-Cut!
-Cut what?
You told me to take a swig. I took a swig!
You just... You just pissed back in your glass.
-Come on.
-You can take it out in post.
-We don't have post, Rob.
-Well, that's not my problem!
Listen! Why don't you guys just sh**t me out?
You can spend the rest of the day f*cking around!
-Come on, Michael. Stay.
-That's it!
-No, just stay.
-No. I'm going to my trailer.
When you're ready, I'll come back, and you can sh**t me out!
Hey, Kenny! Get my masseuse!
Yeah. I don't even want a masseuse. I'm happy with just a trailer.
I'd like to be a producer, right now. Let's go.
Producer. Here I am.
Sign me up, Producers Guild. Let's go!
Hey, I know what we can do next. I got an idea.
You watching? Everybody, watching?
Watch this.
[tires screeching]
The maid called.
-Really?
-Mmm
-hmm.
She quit. And she wants us to send her money for one day of work.
That seems fair.
And for their emergency room bill, and for a new front end for their truck.
That seems less fair.
Her and her husband were stung over times.
The only reason she's not suing us
is because she's afraid she would get kicked out of the country.
Well, sneaking in places illegally does have its disadvantages.
I'll pay for it.
I'm just glad I'm able to help now financially.
You don't have to do that movie if you don't want to.
You can just keep doing those independent movies...
if that's what fulfills you artistically.
[cell phone ringing]
Excuse me.
Hey, Adam.
Schneidman, where the f*ck are you, dude?
I'm in Greece, waiting on your ass!
You said you were coming, m*therf*cker!
I... I don't think I ever said I was actually gonna go.
What the f*ck do you think, man? I'm a f*cking joke?
Now I gotta f*cking fly Spade here!
No, no, don't call Spade.
The yacht's gonna be here in minutes!
$. million for the f*cking week, assh*le!
I got you your f*cking kosher food, too, you f*cking moron!
No, wait, Adam. Wait.
He'll call back.
He always does.
Usually does.
-Spudley.
-[Spade] Hey, buddy.
-What's up, big boy? Ha
-ha!
-How's it going?
-Hey, you wanna come to Greece? Ha
-ha!
-Oh, my God. That sounds awesome.
[upbeat music playing]
02x06 - Authentic Self
"Real Rob" is "an exaggerated yet brutally honest depiction of [Rob] Schneider's real life", while living in Hollywood.