02x08 - Now Boarding

[bunniefuu]

I don't know why you agreed to let Jamie have the engagement party here.

I was not going to let him do it at his apartment.

I don't think he has nice china.

I don't even think he has a table.

I don't want her parents to think he can't take care of their daughter.

Hmm. You're right. Let them discover that over time.

[Jamie] Guys.

I'm right here. I can hear everything you're saying.


-I don't know what she sees in Jamie.
-Come on, Rob.

I'm leaving.

What?

It's nice.

Maybe too nice.

Stop it.


-[Patricia sighs]
-[Rob] Hmm.

Cheese. We got the wine... Ooh, honey?


-Can I give this salmon to the dog?
-No.


-But it's wild.
-It doesn't matter.

Dogs don't eat fish, especially one that is two weeks old.

Yeah, but dogs are basically scavengers. It's what they do.

They just go through the woods and scavenge,

eating whatever they can find.

My dog isn't a scavenger.

And he doesn't live in the woods. He lives in a house.

Yeah, but if he was in the woods, he'd eat it.

Yeah, but he's not in the woods.

He's in a house, with toys and a blanket. And he's watching TV right now.

Throw it out!

All right.

Ay.

[softly] Camilo.

Camilo, come here.

[theme music playing]


-[Rob] Well.
-[Patricia] Hi.

[Rob] What a party we have here.


-I'm so nervous.
-Don't be. It's gonna be great.

We are honored to have you guys in our home

to celebrate this lovely occasion.

We're very happy for Allison and our dear Jamie.

[chuckles] He's like family.

Yeah. You know, I've, uh... I've known Jamie a long time.

And I have never seen him this gaga over a girl before. [chuckles]

I mean, I've seen him in love a bunch of times.

So many times, I... [chuckles] I lost count.

Anyway, this is the first time I've... I've ever seen it reciprocated.

[Allison chuckles]

I met Jamie back, uh... , I think it was, right?


-Yeah.
-[Rob chuckles]

Yeah.

It was on my third TV show. Remember that?

Yep.

Which was really cool because, um, that was the first time I was the lead.

[chuckles] Before that, I was usually playing sidekicks.

Which is still cool, you know, 'cause the money's good

and you get to meet girls and upgrade your friends and stuff...


-[clears throat]
-Anyway, um...

Jamie is, uh, very loyal, hardworking.

We've been through a lot together. Remember that, uh, time we went overseas?


-Yeah. Oh, yeah.
-Visiting the troops.


-Oh, God.
-[chuckles] Well, that's some tough duty.

You know, you gotta go for the whole weekend.

And, uh, it's dangerous over there. It's a f*cking w*r zone.

Anything can happen when you're on that stage for an hour.

[sighs]

Anyway, I'm in my, uh, hotel suite at the, uh, Marriott Kuwait Resort and Casino,

and Jamie's staying at the barracks.

I call him at three o'clock in the morning 'cause, uh, I don't have my earplugs.

And I can't sleep without my earplugs, so I call him up and I go,

"Jamie, get the f*ck over here. I need my earplugs." [chuckling]

So he came over, and he forgot to bring his ID.

And, you know, if you're leaving the barracks, you gotta have your ID.

So anyway, they searched him everywhere. And I mean, everywhere.

[chuckles] And it turned out the guy that searched him didn't even work there.

[laughs] That's enough stories. Yeah.

[sighs] What I'm saying is, um, Jamie's, uh, more than an employee.

He's my friend.

And, um... And almost part of the family.

We're very happy that soon you'll be almost part of the family, too.

[retches]

[vomiting]

Jamie. Take him out.


-But, Rob, we're trying to eat dinner.
-Take him out! He's throwing up.


-[vomiting continues]
-[liquid spattering]

Too late. Clean it up.


-But
-
-
-Come on, before it stains the floor.

Get the mop, take him out!

[vomiting]

[coughing]

Jamie, get her out.


-Get her out!
-[Jamie] Okay.


-Get to it! We got guests here. Come on.
-Stop it.

To the middle of the lawn.

Yeah. She can throw up all she wants there.

Thank you.

Anyway... [sighs]


-Sorry about that, guys.
-Cheers, everyone.

[chuckles] Salud!

Hey, baby. You want a glass of water?

Holy sh*t!

Does that mask come with a chainsaw or do you have to bring your own?

I have a photo sh**t tomorrow.

I want my skin to look as good as possible.

Oh. I thought you were auditioning to play the new Leatherface.

This is a hydrating spa mask.

Well, whatever it's doing for you, it's not worth what it just did to me.

My stiffy just turned into a softy.

Good.

It's really good for your skin. You should try it.


-Nah, it's too late for me.
-True.

Hey, I have something important to tell you.

What is it?

Did you come alive in an ancient tomb after being a mummy for , years?

'Cause it's no big deal.

If you turn over, I'll still make love to you.


-I'm serious.
-[cell phone ringing]

Excuse me a second.

Jell
-O?

Dude, you're blowing up.

How's that?

Word got out that you're doing the new Corroñe movie.

You're hot again, buddy.

What does that mean, exactly?

I got ten different offers for you today.

That's f*cking awesome. I just got ten offers.

What are they?

All right. Nine of them, you're gonna tell me

you'd rather have somebody sh*t on your chest.

[scoffs] I'll be the judge of that. What are they?

One is a traveling cheese show.

I'd rather have somebody sh*t on my chest.


-See?
-What else you got?


-Celebrity Hoarders.
-Too late.

Patricia already threw away all my sh*t.

Okay. A judge on America Has Talent.

America's Got Talent! America's Got Talent.

God, that's a big show! Howard Stern was a judge on that show!

Oh, no. You're thinking about America's Got Talent.

This is America Has Talent. On YouTube Red.

I'd rather be on p*rn. What's the good one?

Oh, it's just a big studio picture.

Great script. Great director.

A good little part.

Robbie, this is what we've been waiting for.

It doesn't come around a whole lot, man. And we've been through the fire together.

I mean, I'm finally gonna be able to make some money off of you.

This is a time to celebrate. I'm gonna send it to you.

It's getting real, Robbie.

That's fantastic.

Honey, this movie is already changing our lives,

and we haven't even started sh**ting it.

I am so happy for you, honey.

This is gonna be good for both of us.

I'm gonna be making millions again.

And you won't have to do those depressing soap operas.


-Thank you. You're so thoughtful.
-Anytime, babe.

Hey, uh, I'm gonna jump in the sauna. Care to join me?

I shouldn't. It's too hot in there.

That's the whole point.

No, thanks.

All right, whatever.

Can you please take that thing off?

I don't wanna accidentally sh**t you in the middle of the night.


-I just freaking love it.
-Aw, you do?

Yeah, I really do.


-Oh, man.
-[chuckles softly]

The minute I saw it, I knew that was the one.

You did?

Not just 'cause it was so on sale,


-but it was just beautiful.
-[laughs]


-'Cause it was so on sale? Don't say that.
-I'm just kidding.

I don't care that it was on sale.

You know, honestly, I'm happy it was on sale.

That makes me think you're, like, really smart.

Aw. That's a nice way to look at it. [chuckles]

Mmm
-hmm. Yeah.

This is so nice. Let's just do this all day, okay?


-Okay.
-Mmm
-hmm.

[cell phone ringing]

[sighs] No, ignore it. Please, please, please.


-Okay.
-[both sigh]


-[ringing continues]
-[both groan]

[scoffs]


-Oh, sh*t. I gotta go.
-Oh.


-Where are you going?
-Pick up Rob's dry cleaning.


-It's a Sunday.
-Ah, he needs it.

Don't you have, like, a schedule, or... [sighs]

I just work pretty much whenever he needs me.

Which is pretty much every day since we met.

What if you had plans?

I don't know. It's never happened.

What if... if we had plans?

Like, what if I wanted to go to the beach with you today?

I'll be right back. I'm just gonna drop this off.

Unless he needs a juice or a ride or just a good listener.

[Allison sighs]

Have you ever considered getting a... a different job?

No. Why?

Because you can't be an assistant forever.

I'm not doing this forever. This is temporary.

Who wouldn't want to work with their friends?

[sighs] Okay. Honey, look...

I'm not trying to diminish you in any way.

I love you.

I'm not saying this as your fiancée. I'm saying this as your friend.


-Okay.
-I think you can do better.

Honey, you're talking crazy. I love you.

I could probably find somebody better than you,

but imagine how long that would take.

I'd have to get back on Tinder and OKCupid and farmers.com...

I feel like what you and I have going on is the best.

Okay, I...

I'm not talking about me. I... I'm talking about your job.

Look, Rob... Rob doesn't even like you.

Come on, that's not fair. He can be a little demanding at times.

[sighs] He was so rude the other night.

He literally made you clean up dog vomit.

Then he made you clean up my grandma's vomit.

In his defense, it was my fault.

I didn't get her out in time.

She even did the pre
-vomit warning that people do, like... [retching]

Oh. Yeah.

And that's when you know you have five seconds.

That's not gonna happen next time.

Honey, you are smart and hardworking.

You have so much potential.

Maybe you and my parents don't see it, but I see it.

What did your parents say exactly?

It doesn't matter.

We could do anything. We could start a business.

We have to think about our kids' future.

Honey, we have a little time for that.

Maybe not as much time as you think.

Are you dying? I knew it.

I'm pregnant.

You're gonna be a daddy! [chuckles]


-Oh, my God.
-[chuckles]


-That's a real picture, baby?
-That's your baby.

Oh, my God. This is the best.


-Oh, my God. Sorry.
-Ow! Ow, ow, ow.


-[groaning softly]
-Wow!


-Mmm
-hmm. I know.
-I'm sorry. This is great.

So cute, isn't it?

Allison, this is the happiest moment of my
-
-


-[cell phone ringing]
-Excuse me one second.

Oh. My buddy needs me. Rob needs his suit for dinner tonight.

I'll be right back.


-I'll go tell Rob about the baby.
-Mmm
-hmm. Great.


-I love you.
-[chuckles]


-Okay. See you soon.
-[chuckles]

[all sigh]


-[woman ] He's so cute.
-[woman ] Mmm
-hmm.

They look so pretty back then.


-Thank you. I wish that was my real life.
-[snorts]


-[all chuckle]
-Just kidding.


-And do you, Rico, promise to love her?
-[woman ] Aw.


-[woman speaks Spanish]
-I do! [cries]

Wow. I don't know what I'm going to watch now.


-You can watch your kids for once.
-[all laughing]

No, thanks.

No. No. No, no.

[woman ] What are you gonna do right now?

Are you gonna take a break, considering everything?


-[shushes]
-What?

You haven't told him?


-No.
-[woman ] Hmm.

No, no, no. He's too excited about this new movie he's doing.


-Hmm.
-[sighs]

I don't know. I don't want to put that extra pressure on him.

Mmm
-hmm.

I haven't seen him that excited about anything.


-I just don't want to ruin
-
-
-[door closes]

What's up, ladies?

Mmm. Watching the finale.

Oh, yeah? [scoffs]

I wish I could watch TV like you guys.

I gotta get back to my training.


-Got a big action movie coming up.
-[TV playing indistinctly]

Pretty exciting.

It's looking pretty good. [sighs] Hand
-to
-hand combat.

It's just a lot to remember.

You know what's looking better?

Kn*fe fighting.

[Patricia] Mmm.

But anyway... [breathing heavily]

The good thing is the stick fighting. That's what's kicking ass.


-It's all about the flow.
-[sighs]

Flow. Flow, baby. Flow.

[stick clatters]

Sometimes, I just go with the one stick. You know, flow of the one stick.


-Flow.
-[stick clattering]

Well, better get back to it.

Training.

[man on TV] I now pronounce you...

f*ck all of you in your hearts!

[Patricia] You have to read all these nice comments.


-Yeah?
-Yeah.

"Soap opera is great." "Love the finale."


-"What a great couple."
-[loud thump]


-Ow! Ow, my liver.
-What? Sorry.


-Sorry.
-Oh, my... [groans]

It was an accident. "Accidente", I think you say.

How's it going, champ? Thanks for bringing the suits, especially on Sunday.


-You're welcome. I'll see you guys later.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where you going?

Allison and I are going to the beach.


-Beautiful day for it.
-Mmm
-hmm.

Young kids, you go enjoy yourselves.

Um, actually, we're celebrating.

I just found out that we're pregnant.

[coughs and clears throat]


-No f*cking way.
-I know.


-How's that even possible?
-I just kept coming inside her.

Okay, Jamie. Thank you. That's enough information.

But thank you. You have fun. Enjoy your day.

Okay. I love you guys.

We love you too, Jamie. We'll talk about that tomorrow.

You guys are the best. Okay, bye.


-[Patricia] All right.
-[Rob] See you, pal.

I'm not saying anything.


-Ever.
-[stick clatters]

Ow.

Jamie's our friend. We have to tell him.

He had a vasectomy that you made him get. There's no way it can be his baby.

Well, nature has a way.

Yeah, from some other guy's sperm.

Nature has a way.

Look, he's my employee. I'll tell him.

No! He has to be told by someone who won't enjoy it so much.

Would you like some prosciutto?


-I don't think I can have it.
-Mmm.

I think I can.

Do you want to try my spaghetti? It looks delicious.

No.

Personal trainer said no starch. [chuckles] I don't even crave it anymore.

Wow.

You're taking this very seriously. I'm impressed.

Thank you.

This broccoli is so good.

Whatever they're not putting on it is fantastic.

Hi.

The girls in the kitchen and I

wanted to know if it was okay to take a picture with you.

Uh, tell you what. Here's what we'll do.

I'll go back there in a minute. I'll take one picture with all of you.

Just one, and then that's it.

That's it. No more. Okay, deal? Deal.

Um...

Thank you. But, um, I wanted to take a picture with her.

We are all huge fans of your show, Fuego y Pasión.


-[chuckles] Oh, thank you!
-[waitress] Of course.

Would you mind?

Oh, not at all. Please, uh...

enjoy your muchachas.

[chuckles] Gracias.

I f*cking love it.

I'm just gonna get fat. I don't give a f*ck anymore.

[indistinct exclamation]


-[Rob yells]
-[both grunting]

Wow.

[sighs] It's all coming back to me.

I had no idea you could really do this stuff.

It's like riding a bike, except with people trying to k*ll you.

[chuckles] Then that sounds a lot like riding a bike in Mexico City.


-[both chuckle]
-Yeah.

This is going to be good for you.

What's that?

Being in a big movie with a big director.

Get some real critical attention.

That's what you always wanted, right?

Is it?

You always say you're tired of being typecast.

That critics don't take you serious as an actor.

Well, this is your chance to show them what you can really do.

Yeah. I guess it is.

Look, I'm gonna be sh**ting in Taiwan for six months.

You and Miranda going to be okay?

Well, we'll make do, as always.

We're gonna miss you, though.

Wow.

I was waiting for the sarcasm to come, but it never did.

Hmm. Give me five more minutes. [chuckles]

I need to talk to Jamie.

[Jamie grunting]

Oh, you don't think I see you.

Can I just hit him a few more times?


-Oh, let me tell him.
-No.

Please.


-Why do you get to have all the fun?
-It's not fun.

Jamie?

[Jamie grunts]

Better keep those pads on.

Because what she's about to tell you is gonna be a real b*ating.


-Stop it.
-Sorry, sorry.

[sighs]

Jamie, you know how we always tell you you are more than a friend?

You're like family.

And even though Rob doesn't mean it, I do.

Okay.

This is really hard for me.

I need to tell you something, and I don't really want to, but...

but I feel like you need to know.

It's something about someone very close to you.

[mouths] No.

I don't think Allison has been telling you the truth.

What do you mean?

Remember how Rob forced you to get a vasectomy against your will?

That was a bad day. [chuckles]

Well, um, when men have vasectomies,

it's because they don't want to have kids anymore.

But it wasn't my choice to have a vasectomy.

I'm glad I'm having a kid. [chuckles]

[Patricia] What I'm trying to say is, like...

Jamie, what I'm trying to say is

once you have a vasectomy, it is impossible to have kids.

Your sperm doesn't work.

Like, there's nothing. It's emptiness in there.

It's like someone else did a... [continues indistinctly]

Oh, my God.


-I'm sorry.
-Oh, my God. [sniffles]

Um, I don't feel anything. [sniffles]

You're in shock. It's okay.

No, I mean, your hands touching my hand. I don't feel anything.

I think the gloves are cutting off my circulation.

Oh, that looks nice.

There she is.


-There's our girl. Hey!
-[Omar] Look at you. Wow!


-Wow. Look at you. Mmm.
-Hi. [chuckles]

Omar Valdez. How are you?

I'm from Latino Talent Management. This is
-
-


-Andreas Cruz. Very nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.

Thank you so much for having us here. Thank you.

Of course. I have a few minutes before my photo sh**t.


-Thank you.
-[Omar] I don't know if you know,

but we basically represent all the big Latin stars in the world.


-In the world. We have Benicio Del Toro.
-[Omar] Mmm
-hmm.

Okay? Shakira. Ricky Martin.


-And, you know, we love what you do.
-Yeah.


-And we wanna represent you.
-We can't believe that


-you don't have representation.
-[Patricia] Oh, stop it.

How do you not have representation?

You're coming off this soap opera, doing Revlon, and you don't have an agent?

At all? This is insane.

Oh, thank you, I'm very flattered.

We think you can be the next big star, okay?

Sofía Vergara, Modern Family? No, no.

We want to base something around you. We need to develop something around you.

Okay? Get you out on some movie auditions.


-Yeah. Your own TV show.
-Leads. Yes.


-[laughs] I didn't even think about that.
-[Omar] Hmm?

We know you're gonna be a star. We've never been wrong.


-Yeah. I've never seen this guy be wrong.
-Never been wrong.


-Okay, well
-
-
-We're excited.

We're excited. I mean, I'm very... I can't stop talking. You know?


-I know, well
-
-
-Ready?


-Okay?
-What do you think?

Well, thank you. I mean, you know
-
-


-We're good?
-Yeah!


-Yes, you are. Yeah.
-You ready to sign the papers?


-[Patricia] Oh, I would love to.
-Yeah.

And, uh...

But, uh, you know what? I'm thinking about taking a break.


-Just a little bit.
-[Omar] Um... Whoa.


-You wanna take a break?
-[stammers] I mean... Break?

It's... it's for personal reasons.

[stutters] This is an opportunity that you might not get back.

You might not get to this point ever again.

Sometimes people get to the top once, and that's it.

This is your chance.

Right now.

Mmm. Mmm
-hmm.

Um... Okay.


-[sighs] Okay.
-This is my information. Um...

I don't want to waste your time, and I don't want you to waste our time.

And I'm telling you, this is... The time is now.


-Think about it.
-Yeah. Yeah, of course. Thank you.

Not many people get to where you're at right now. Okay?

Just want to take you a little further. Remember that.

[Omar] You're a star. So why don't you just think about it?


-I will. Thank you.
-[Omar] Okay. Thanks so much.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Where have you been?

I've been craving a sweet potato beet vegan Popsicle.

I have an idea.

Maybe you should fall into a garden with your mouth open?

It tastes the same.

You always said they were great.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're great

if you're trying to quit eating Popsicles for the rest of your life.

Then they're perfect.

Oh, thank goodness you bought this vegan bread again

that you buy every week.

My favorite part of it is that they somehow make it look exactly like bread

but tastes nothing like bread.

Okay. You know what? I'm not gonna tolerate this.

I... I don't know why you're acting this way.

Maybe we should break up.

This baby needs his father.

Maybe you should call him, see what he's up to.

[scoffs]

I think I know what happened. Everything was going fine,

and then you made him eat some of your fake, shitty food.

And he ate it, and he was like, "That's not f*cking food,

I don't want it anymore."

Oh. Am I close?

Look, I... I don't know what's going on here.

Clearly, you are really upset about something.

I don't know what Rob did this time.

I know it's not my baby.

What are you talking about?

I had a vasectomy.

I forgot.

You don't remember having a vasectomy?

I was smoking some very, very powerful weed.

Rob wanted to know what it was like, and so he wanted me to go...


-You know, it doesn't matter. I had one!
-That is so weird. Okay, you know what?

[sighs] You're right.

You're right.

I lied.

It's not your baby.


-I knew it.
-I'm sorry.

But I love you. I do. I love you. And we're getting married.

I don't want to anymore.

What? Really?

Why?

Why? Are you f*cking kidding me? I don't know, why?

You know what's interesting? If you had just told me...

I would have been okay with it.


-Please.
-[sighs]

Please, don't leave me. Don't leave us.

This baby, this can be your baby. We can pretend this is your baby.

Right? I mean, that's okay. We can do that.


-Please, Jamie. Please, please, please.
-Okay, don't get upset.


-Hold on.
-[crying] I'm so scared right now.

Okay. Calm down. Calm down. It's not...


-I just don't know where I would go!
-Calm down. Okay, calm down.


-I'm begging you!
-Don't get upset.


-Please, don't make this...
-No, don't cry.

Come here. Hold on. Hold on. It's not good for the baby.

No, it's not good for the baby. You're right!

Just calm down. Calm down. Okay. Yes, Allison.


-That's better.
-It is?


-Everything's gonna be okay. Okay?
-Okay. Yeah. You know... [chuckles]

I knew that... I knew that we could get through this.

I still need you to get all your sh*t out of my place.

When I said that it'll be okay, I meant, like, eventually, at some point.

You're still breaking up with me?

Yeah. I need you to leave.

[scoffs]

[breathing heavily]

[grunts]

[gasps] Oh, my God! You hit me!


-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did!

I was standing over here!


-[screams]
-What the... What are you doing?

You b*at me. You're b*ating pregnant women now.

I didn't b*at a pregnant woman. You b*at a pregnant woman.


-That's your doing.
-Yes you did. You're an animal!

I was standing over here! I mean...


-You're b*ating a pregnant woman!
-[cries]

You're hitting me! He's hitting me!


-He is not hitting her!
-Yes! Yes, he's hitting me! [screams]

Oh, my God. You're a crazy person!

I'm crazy? You think I'm crazy?

I thought you were. Now I know you are!


-[crying]
-You almost had me with the crying thing.

Should I cry more?


-Holy sh*t! You have to leave.
-Jamie, please.


-We gotta go.
-Please don't make me.


-It's time to go.
-Where will I go?

Just out there. Just not here.


-Here. We gotta go.
-You're choking me!

Oh, I'm not! My hands are right here.


-Okay. Here we go. Come on.
-[screams]


-Jamie, please don't make me leave.
-I almost married a crazy person.


-Oh, you think I'm crazy now?
-Here we go. Okay, yes.

I got mauled by a bear for you!

Holy sh*t!


-Make sure you have something to eat.
-Look at my face!

I might have to move.

[gate agent] Ladies and gentlemen, China Airlines Flight CI

non
-stop service from Los Angeles to Taipei

would like to invite Emerald Card member and Premium Business Class passenger

to board at this moment.

[gate agent speaking Mandarin]

[indistinct chatter]


-A little wine, baby?
-No, none for me. Thank you.

I'm gonna jump in the sauna. Care to join me?

I shouldn't. It's too hot in there.


-Some prosciutto?
-I don't think I can have that.

[coughs]

Come on. One hit.


-Have a great first day at school.
-Thanks, Dad.

Daddy, can you play with me?

[airline representative] Mr. Schneider...

are you ready for preboarding now?

No.

The Premium Business Class is boarding now, sir.

I'm not going.

[sighs]

[speaking Mandarin]

Thank you.

[bones cracking]

[inaudible]

Uger.

Four hundred dollars? f*ck that!

See you. Bye.

[panting]

What are you doing here?

Is it a boy or a girl?

It's another girl.

f*ck!

[sighs]

I love her already.


-What happened to the movie?
-[sighs] I'm not going.

But you cannot give up your dream.

I was only doing that movie to gain acceptance

from people that I don't care what they think about anyway.

On my three
-hour ride home from the airport,

I realized something important.

Never being accepted by critics is a gift.

I'm free.

I'm not gonna let my success be defined by what other people think of me.

My real success is my family with you.

And I'm not gonna miss another minute of it.


-I love you.
-I love you, too.

Are you sure it's a girl?

Yes.

[sighs] Okay.

[door closes]

[orchestral music playing]