02x06 - b*mb Cyclone

[bunniefuu]

("GOOD LOOKING" BY ADRIAN
BAKER AND ROY MORGAN PLAYING)

♪ ♪

- Launch meeting.
- (COMPUTER DINGS)

Carrie Bradshaw!

- Hey, girl!
- (CHUCKLING) Hi.

Um, first off, I just wanna say

thank you for Zooming with
me on a Sunday morning.

I'm just so f'ing backed up right now.

Oh, not a problem.

A Zoom any time for this book tour is,

ya know, beats flying
coach out of Newark.

Hilarious. You're so f'ing funny.

Um, okay, so how much time have you got?

(STAMMERS) Whatever you need. I'm...

Forty, minutes? Is that good?

Oh, God no. We don't
need that much. (CHUCKLES)

Let's just fly right through this.

Oh, okay. Okay, then.

Okay, so I Googled you,

- and it looks like you've written a sh*t-ton of books.
- Uh-huh.

- Yes.
- Okay, uh, "Sex and the City"?

- I feel you, girl.
- Yeah, that was my first book.

Okay, "Menhattan"? Oh, I get it.

It's like "Manhattan," but with "men."

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Hilarious.

Okay, uh, so tell me about
your new book, "Loved & Lost."

Tell you?

I'm, I'm sorry, did, did
you not read the book?

Oh, my bad. (CHUCKLES)

I'm just so f'ing slammed

with all my other content right now.

But for my followers, what's it about?

Death.

(CHUCKLES) Hilarious. Okay.

No, for real, what's it about? Go.

It's a book about my husband dying.

(SLURPS)

So, girl... (CHUCKLES)

what lipstick shades are
you just loving right now?

(SHATTERS)

Oh, thank God.

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BELL TOLLING)

Oh, sh*t. Oh, no!

Oh, sh*t. sh*t. My alarm didn't go off.

- What time is it?
- Uh, it's A.M.

- f*ck!
- And it's Sunday.

It is?

Oh, wow. I have lost all my bearings

since becoming a nomad.

A nomad... in cute little pajamas.

How about we hold off
on the fashion critiques

till after I've had my coffee, huh?

(CHUCKLES) Sorry. I just
wasn't expecting the hearts.

- Yeah?
- (NYA CHUCKLES)

Well, life is full of surprises.

- Yeah, that's true.
- (TYPING)

What are you working on?

My divorce papers.

- You're doing it yourself?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's pretty straightforward.
It's a no-fault divorce.

Must be nice to have a no-fault divorce.

Mine's an all-my-fault divorce.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Rock's
Ralph Lauren ad is out!

- Cool.
- (GASPS) Really?!

- I gotta call Charlotte.
- Nice!

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh!

Hello!

Hi! I just saw Rock's ad! It's amazing!

Isn't it? We didn't even
know it was coming out today

till Anthony showed up with papers.

My phone has been ringing
off the hook all morning.

- HENRY: Rock looks so cool!
- (CAMERA CLICKS)

- Don't they look beautiful?
- Mom!

Oh, hush, "beautiful" is gender-neutral.

Rock star! Rock's a rock star!

So, this is what it feels
like to be the good kid?

- I don't like it.
- Hm.

I'm a model, too!

That's enough jumpin', baby, okay?

Daddy says... Ow! Oh, oh!

HERBERT: Oh, sh*t!

Daddy said a bad word.

- Gabby jumped on Daddy's penis!
- Oh!

- Okay, okay. Everybody, out.
- Baby, get 'em out.

- Out... out.
- Mommy and Daddy gotta get dressed. Go, go.

Charlotte, I gotta call you back.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, Mom, did you call
your person at Nobu

to make that lunch res
for me and Blake at one?

Oh, no, with all the
Polo excitement, I forgot.

- I'll do it in a minute.
- It's almost .

We'll never get in now.

Boo-hoo, you're years old,

go to Shake Shack and call it a day.

I can't lose my virginity
after a lunch at Shake Shack.

Excuse me?

I'm ready to lose my virginity.

I'm ready to lose my hearing.

And now, it won't be the
perfect day that I had planned.

(LILY SIGHS)

Why would she just announce
somethin' like that?

Maybe with all this Rock excitement,

she just needed more attention? I...

Could be. I once set my
little sister's coat on fire.

- (HERBERT GROANING)
- How bad is it? On a scale of one to ?

Forty-six.

How could such a tiny
girl have such big feet?

Just tell me, is it broken?

Because if it is, I'm outta here.

- (HERBERT LAUGHS)
- (CHUCKLES) You laugh,

but I'm dead serious.

Deputy Mayor just confirmed

my Wall Street campaign event Wednesday.

Get ready to dazzle and shine

these guys out of their money.

Honey... the talk-back after my movie

at MoMA is on Wednesday.

You're still doin' that?

(MOCKINGLY) Yeah, my career?
I'm "still doing that."

No, no, no. I just meant

why don't you come and say
a quick hello at my event

and then you can go to yours?

Did it ever cross your mind

that maybe you could go do

a quick hello at your event

and then go to mine?

How's that pain level now?

d*ck: . Fundraiser: .

- (LISA LAUGHS)
- You laugh, but I'm dead serious.

(PLAYING MELANCHOLY MELODY)

Sweetie?

I was hoping we could talk about

your announcement this morning?

Do we have to?

Well...

since you went public
with the information,

I feel like I should follow up.

Um, Lily... could you
please stop playing that?

It just... It makes
everything seem so sad.

Thank you... Okay.

So...

today's the big day?

Not anymore.

Blake's parents decided
not to go to Connecticut.

Be that as it may...

I'm just really glad that
you opened up to us about this

because... my parents made sex
seem like it was something that just

wasn't even up for discussion.

So, I've just always tried to
be sex-positive with you two.

- Can I start playing again?
- I wish you wouldn't.

(INHALES)

You, you feel like you're ready to...

take this next step?

I do. I like Blake. Blake likes me.

I mean, we've known each other forever.

Okay.

Well...

condoms, obviously.

I have been hearing about
condoms since the fifth grade.

- We're on it.
- Good, good.

And... Lily...

I just really want you
to focus on your pleasure

just as much as his pleasure.

It is important that you
take care of your own needs.

Mom, stop, stop.

You have gone from
sex-positive to sex-annoying.

Okay.

My computer literally leapt to its death

to get me out of that Zoom.

That's a good computer.

I can't even get mine to stop sending me

"sexy singles in my area."

She was a good friend.

Had her for eight years.

I like to believe she's
in a better place now.

- Eight years? I upgrade my tech constantly.
- Mm.

I already have the new iPhone.

Mm, the one that just came out?

No, the one that hasn't come out yet.

(CHUCKLES) I'm a very loyal person.

I still have a travel agent.

And you're a very loyal person, too,

helping me pick out a computer
instead of going to lunch.

I have to admit, I did invite you
to lunch with an ulterior motive.

I need to ask you something.

Fine, you can have one of my kidneys.

- The left one.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.

I have never asked another single
woman to share a summer house.

I mean, it's just too
tragic. Too "Bravo TV."

Seema, are you... proposing we go

to the Hamptons together?

I can't spend another
weekend sharing a room

with a married friend's kid's surfboard.

But you and me with our own

two-bed, three-bath on the beach?

Fun, fabulous... not tragic at all.

I always dreamed you'd propose to me

in a, in a more romantic place
than an Apple store, but yes!

Yes, Seema, I will spend
the summer with you!

This is the one, right?

(SHIVERS) It's cold out.

Brr... come here.

- Come where? We both just came.
- I know.

- And now I wanna cuddle.
- Ew, cuddle?

Who am I, Paddington Bear?

I'm really not in a
snuggle space right now.

Can we just... can we
just call it a night?

Sure.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

(MIRANDA GRUNTING)

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- (UPBEAT) Hey, this is Che Diaz wishing

Roary Upton a very happy birthday!

Uh, I'm sorry. What's happening?

I thought we said goodnight.

Oh, well, goodnight to you,

but I still have to
record a bunch of Cameos.

- I didn't get around to them today.
- Why?

What else were you doing all day?

Look, since I'm not up
for going to the clubs,

these are the only way that I
can make any money right now,

so... please don't sh*t on it.

I'm not sh1tting on it. Just...

(SIGHS) What was that
voice you were using?

Okay, that feels like a sh*t.

- It's...
- Yeah, a big, steaming sh*t.

But since you're interested,

it's my "I'm pretending
my life isn't over" voice.

Yeah, my followers don't
know that my pilot's failed

and that my career is over so...

- So, you're just pretending you're fine online?
- (DEEP BREATH)

Yeah, isn't that what
social media's for?

- Is that a tit?!
- Yeah, it is.

Yeah, sometimes they
send me messages back.

What?

(MIRANDA SCOFFS)

Don't be threatened.
That tit's all the way

- in Arizona.
- I am not th...

I am so not threatened.
I am worried, Che.

- You've been moping around the apartment for weeks.
- I'm sorry I'm not climbing out

of my deep depression
fast enough for you.

- I...
- Hey, you were the one who said that I should do things

- to make myself feel better.
- I didn't mean Cameos.

I meant leaving the house.

- You don't wanna go to the clubs.
- (CHE SIGHS)

I get it.

But at least go out
and, and take a walk.

- Talk to a real, live person.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,

'cause that's working out so
well for me right now. (CHUCKLES)

All right.

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Hey, this is Che Diaz! This Cameo's for Kyle.

Congrats on that early decision, dude!

I just know you're gonna k*ll it

at the California
Institute of Technology!

Unbelievable. (SIGHS)

Oh, great... you're leaving?

- I...
- Oh, another thing for me to feel bad about.

I have an early class. I can't sleep

- with you doing those.
- Hey, come on.

- Come on, don't leave pissed.
- I am pissed!

- (CHE SIGHS)
- I...

W-why do I get sullen, sad-sack Che

and some random tit in Arizona

gets all your smiles and all your charm?

Because I'm not performing
for you, Miranda.

Is that the only part of me you want?

Che Diaz, f*ck-boy and comic?

Don't talk to me like that.

I am here trying to help you move on.

I don't deserve that.

No, you don't.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Just...

(SIGHS)

Just try and leave the
house this week, okay?

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

"Carrie Bradshaw Loves a Dark Berry Lip"

is the headline for her piece

on my sad and heartfelt memoir?

Forget about these internet interviews.

Thousands of women
who have loved and lost

from every corner of the country

are coming to New York for WidowCon,

and you will be their queen.

It's rare to hear such
a positive and a negative

- in the same sentence.
- Two words:

Book... Sales. And
they're gonna love you.

It's like a rock concert,
but for sad people.

So, like a Wilson Phillips concert.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- ASSISTANT (ON PHONE): Your three o'clock is here.

Send her in.

So, that's the event coordinator.

And, shh, do not call it WidowCon.

They hate that. It's actually called

"Life After Death:
A Widow's Storytelling Event."

Ooh, God, that is such a mouthful.

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- KERRY MOORE: Knock, knock!

Carrie Bradshaw! Hi, stranger!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, uh, Kar-Karen...

- Moore! Remember?
- Moore!

'Cause I always leave 'em wanting more.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And I go by Kerry now.

Not a great time for white
women named Karen, so...

- AMANDA: Oh.
- Oh. You changed your name to Kerry?

Yeah, Kerry with a K. Oh,
hi, hello, Carrie with a C.

You two know each other?

- Yes!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't wanna tell you
and ruin the surprise,

but we go way back.

We used to be writing partners.

- Oh.
- Well, our literary agents

set us up in the, woo,
the early ' s for, like,

- what, a month, right?
- Yeah, we were writing a romcom for a big studio.

A big studio? Weren't we just
meeting a guy at Starbucks?

He worked for a studio.

But someone didn't show
up for our final pitch.

W-Was it him or me? I-I
honestly have... I have no idea.

- I was drunk a lot of the ' s.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

And that's the kinda comedy

that would've made our movie a huge hit,

but someone left me all alone
holding her mochaccino order.

Ohh, I sense that was me.

Even though I've never had a mochaccino.

Speakin' of coffee,
I'm gonna go grab one

and let you two catch up. 'Kay?

Okay, thanks, Amanda. (GASPS)

Oh, my gosh. How mad were you
when " Dresses" came out?

- I mean...
- I... n... never saw it, so not at all.

Dude, they totally
ripped off our script!

Remember?

Our main character didn't wanna wear

her ugly bridesmaid dress?

Well, I mean, the
"bridesmaid experience,"

it-it's a, it's a pretty
common movie trope.

Not the way you and I wrote it.

I mean, if only you had
showed up for that meeting!

(CHUCKLES) Damn me.

That's all in the past.

I... No, I am so excited
you're doing this event.

I even pulled some strings
to get you the main spot.

- Oh, thank you.
- So... don't you flake out on me this time!

Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm really

sorry about all of that, Kare... y.

Ya know, I-I-I just
wasn't a movie writer.

- Gah! No, you weren't.
- Ooh.

No, (CHUCKLES) I'm kidding.
Carrie, I'm kidding.

But seriously, I need you
to show up on time, okay?

I run a tight ship.

I will. I'm rarely drunk these days.

(LAUGHING)

- (TV PLAYING)
- (PHONE RINGING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh.

- (TURNS TV OFF)
- (RINGING CONTINUES)

(DEEP BREATH)

Heyyy. How's it hangin'?

Che, I have a huge favor to ask you.

CHE (ON PHONE): Anything.

As long as it doesn't involve
me exerting any energy.

Well, we have a problem because I
need you to go with me to WidowCon.

What the f*ck is WidowCon?

CARRIE (ON PHONE):
A convention of sad women

who have lost the loves of their lives.

I lived in a loft like that once.

CARRIE: It's the first time
I've been asked to speak

in front of such a large crowd in years.

I'm nervous. And you're so fearless.

It's funny, I don't feel very
fearless at all right now.

CARRIE: I know it's a lot to ask.

Yeah, it is... for a p*ssy like me.

But yes... What the f*ck? It's for you.

(GASPS) Thank you.

Besides, my mommy said
I have to leave the house

at some point this week.

- Your mommy?
- CHE: Miranda.

Yep.

That silence speaks volumes.

- Hi! Welcome to Brooklyn.
- CARRIE: Hi!

- Thank you.
- I'm making paella.

(GASPS) Oh! Well, as promised,

we brought the wine.

We've got a gorgeous Cabernet for us...

- Ooh.
- And this imposter for Miranda.

- Beautiful! Come in.
- Thank you! Oh.

It's beautiful.

- Warm Grape Kool-Aid.
- CARRIE: This is good.

- That's what this reminds me of.
- (LAUGHTER)

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh.

Sorry, this is my soon-to-be ex.

I gotta respond to this real quick.

We had a bad breakup, so we're
trying to have a good divorce.

What does that mean exactly,
no restraining orders?

- (NYA CHUCKLES)
- Seriously, do ya think you'll stay friends?

Well, I don't know, I mean,
he's just been a part of my life

for so many g*dd*mn years,

neither one of us can
imagine going cold turkey.

So, we text about the Nets.

I think "cold turkey" is
my breakup spirit animal.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I always thought that I would keep in touch

with my ex-husband, Trey,
but he did not want that.

- Well, that's his loss.
- NYA: Yeah.

Do you think that you and
Steve will be friends one day

- after the divorce?
- God, I hope so.

But we're still light years away

from even talking about divorce.

I'll know we're making progress

when Steve can actually
make eye contact with me

instead of looking away like
a puppy who's been kicked.

NYA: Well, one of you
has to bring it up,

and I think that might have to be you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's gotta come from him.

I did the damage, so I
just have to suck it up

and give him time till
he can find his bearings.

I don't know if that's
the best approach.

- Why not?
- Just something he said.

What did he say?

Well, it was months ago,
but he said that, um...

he would never take
his wedding ring off.

- Till death do you part.
- Ohh.

- That would be so romantic if it weren't...
- My life.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- Because I didn't wanna give you

another thing to keep
b*ating yourself up about.

And the only reason I am telling you now

is to light a fire under
you to go talk to him.

I don't think he is
ever going to just...

ya know, wake up one day and magically

be ready to move on.

(MIRANDA SIGHS)

Can't we just skip forward

- to the awkward texting phase?
- Hm.

Oh, I came across an ex this week

that I didn't even remember I had.

An ex-writing partner.

Apparently... the
breakup did not go well.

In fact, I have more baggage with Karen

than I do with Aidan.

- (SENDS TEXT)
- Done!

- Who's Aidan?
- Her ex-fiancé.

Oh, this is something I'm curious about.

Do you still talk to him?

No. No contact. Not in years. Mm-mm.

Do you have any idea
whatever happened to him?

Um, he's living in Virginia now.

And he got divorced five years ago.

And he sold his furniture company

- to West Elm for quite a pretty penny.
- Oh.

What did we do before the internet?

- I'm not proud of myself.
- (LAUGHTER)

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(DOG BARKS)

Oh, cute. What about this house?

SEEMA: Would you get real?
Look at the square footage.

Just our bags and shoes

- need more room than that.
- Oh. All right.

Well, ya know what? This is your world.

- You take over, it's all yours.
- Gladly.

I mean, I was just being polite.

- I already found the perfect place.
- Ohh.

Hey... where did the website go?

This new computer is
fast. Like, too fast.

Whoa! Careful!
Care-care-careful, Speed Racer.

Don't hit send.

Don't send what?

That e-mail I chickened out

of sending to an ex-boyfriend.

Oh, I have a bunch of those.

And they all start with
"hope you're doing well"

and end with a screenshot
of my bank account.

Mm-mm. Mm, no, it's...
it's not like that with us.

I'd love to hear more, but unless he has

a steam shower and a two-car garage,

south of the highway,
this isn't his moment.

(CARRIE CHUCKLES)

Okay, it's back. Aaand here it is.

Oh.

Oh.

Carrie... do you take this house?

I do.

Do you?

I already did.

Those fabulous rentals, they go quick.

Again... just being polite.

(PHONE RINGING)

(RASPY) Hey, you're up early.

Couldn't sleep 'cause you're
so excited about WidowCon?

That's why I'm calling.
Have you looked outside?

Oh, it's so pretty.

It's supposed to turn
into a b*mb cyclone.

There's no way any widows are gonna
be able to get in or outta town.

Well, they don't have to.

They've been at the
Sheraton since Tuesday.

Well...

I-I think under these
circumstances, you can cancel.

And, and by you, I mean us.

No, no, no, no, no. I can't.
I can't. I can't cancel.

Kerry would never let me live that down.

Did you just refer to
yourself in the third person?

CARRIE (ON PHONE): (LAUGHS) No.

Kerry's my old writing partner.

She runs the thing, and she's already

expecting me to be a no-show,

so I can't be a "snow flake."

I thought you were going to sell books

and read to grieving widows.

Well, that too. Please,
please, please come.

I need you there.

I-I really wanna do a
good job for these women.

Their husbands d*ed.

- It's a mess out there.
- So did mine.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll see you at one.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Hey, honey, where ya goin'?

It's a snow day, and
I'm making hot cocoa

like I did when you were little.

I'm going to Blake's.

His parents got stuck in Connecticut,

so today is the day.

- It's perfect.
- Oh, oh, okay.

So, today's the day.
It's-it's happening.

- Bye.
- Wait!

Mom, please don't think you're
about to hug me right now.

(CHUCKLES) No, I'm not
g... I'm not gonna hug you.

I just had to move away from
the stove 'cause it was hot.

Bye, Dad.

Where's she goin'?

She's going to do the
thing that you said that you

didn't wanna hear about.

O-kay.

- Hot cocoa ready?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.

(PHONE DINGS)

Damnit! They canceled my car service.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

But since you're all dressed,

now you can come with me
to my Wall Street lunch.

What makes you think
yours is still coming?

Terry booked a Tahoe.
That thing could drive

through a nuclear apocalypse.

Plus...

- it's got heated seats.
- (LISA CHUCKLES)

And, uh, you know you
love those heated seats.

I am not gonna give up
my event for a warm fanny.

Don't be silly. You don't have
a car, you don't have a cab.

How ya gonna get there?

MoMA is honoring me
as a Black filmmaker.

- I will take a dog sled there if I have to.
- Okay.

- Well, okay, then. I'll, I'll drop you.
- No, no.

I don't need a knight in
shining Tahoe to get me there.

I can get there myself.

Okay... do you.

Yes, I will... do me.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ ♪

(LIGHT, MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

- (PHONE RINGING)
- (GASPS) It's Lily! One second. One second.

Ugh, Mom, we've already had to pause it

three times for Dad to pee.

Hi, it's Mom. Everything okay?

Blake doesn't have any condoms.

What? What happened to

"since fifth grade" and "we got this"?

I thought he'd get them,
and he thought I'd get them.

Well, you tell him right
now to go out and get some.

LILY (ON PHONE): He's afraid the
drugstore near here will tell his mom,

and she's not as
sex-positive as you are.

Would you go for us?

- ROCK: Dad!
- I am not about to go out

in the middle of a blizzard
to get you guys condoms.

LILY: Okay, okay. Never mind.

Blake Googled "how to pull out."

We can just try that.

- Okay, bye.
- (CALL ENDS)

Lily? Lily?!

- Ooh.
- (MAGICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GASPS) Ah! Hello?!

Hello?!

Um...

Please, please, open up!
Please! It's an emergency!

Closed! No one came in!

Please, please!

M...

My daughter needs condoms!

Please! Please!

♪ ♪

(PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Charlotte, I saw your two
missed calls. Is everything okay?

Carrie! It's an emergency!
I'm around the corner from you.

Do you have any condoms?!

CARRIE (ON PHONE): Okay.
Why do you need condoms

and why do you think I would have any?

I don't know, you were having
sex with that guy, Franklyn,

- and I... I just thought...
- Thought what?

I was worried about getting pregnant?

No! I don't know, like,
for STDs or whatever.

You thought I had an STD situation?

CHARLOTTE: No, no! Of, of course not!

I've lost my mind trying
to find condoms for Lily.

I've been to three drugstores
and they are all closed!

Are you on a condom scavenger
hunt in this weather?

Carrie, I'm her mother.

Wow. I couldn't even get my
mother to pick me up after school.

Okay, well, best of luck to you,

and whatever happens, let it go.

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

♪ ♪

(WATER RUNNING)

We're not gonna let a
little snow stop us, are we?

No, we are not.

♪ ♪

- ATTENDANT: Here's your ticket.
- Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Che? Oh, my God!

You look like the guy that we used
to buy our Christmas trees from.

That's the look I was going for.

- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- Well, that's a good look.

Oh, a vibrator?

Okay, okay. A vibrator.

Yep! The Widow Wand!

Our best seller.

- CHE: Mm-hmm.
- On backorder only.

- Ah!
- SPEAKER (ON MICROPHONE): Right? Oh, my God!

CHE: Oh.

SPEAKER: Oh!

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- All right, fun statistic:

One-third of women over are widows.

And on Super Bowl Sunday,

the other two-thirds wish they were!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I lost my husband at .

He didn't actually die until he was ,

I just lost him in an Ikea. Where is he?

She's like the "Don Rickles of Death."

Downside, yes, he is dead.

Upside, his mother probably is, too!

What is happening? Was
I so busy deeply grieving

I missed the memo that
death is now funny?

Carrie! You made it! I'm shocked.

Maddie Thomas is a tough act to follow.

Wh... I'm, I'm following her?

Yeah, now follow me.

MADDIE: Downside, dead.

Upside? Ice cream for dinner!

(LAUGHTER)

- Downside, dead.
- CARRIE: Oh, my God.

My book doesn't have any laughs.

At most, maybe, a sarcastic smile.

You're a comedian, write me a joke.

Oh, no. No, dude. I-I don't
think anything's funny these days.

Hey, and who are we supposed to date?

There's no one left.

Men die faster than the flowers
you buy at the corner deli.

- (LAUGHTER)
- (MOUTHS) You're next.

I think they're dead
before you buy them.

My God. I'm gonna be the b*mb cyclone.

Come on, I need a joke. One joke.

Okay, okay. The, the, the, the
merch out there is hilarious.

- Mm-hmm.
- So, um, maybe something like, um...

"The Widow Wand doesn't come
with a life-time guarantee...

but then, neither did my husband"?

- (GASPS) Good! That's good!
- Hm? Okay, okay.

The truth is, everything
reminds me of him.

Except for that vibrator
out there because,

oh, baby, if I'm havin' an orgasm,

my husband is definitely not present.

- sh*t.
- No, no, no. She...

Okay, she didn't say the vibrator name.

All right? Which, which
is the, the funny thing.

- So... you know, it still might be good.
- MADDIE: Thank you, I love you!

Buy my book, "Ice Cream
for Dinner," and remember,

- he may be dead...
- ALL: But you aren't!

(APPLAUSE, WHISTLING)

(CHEERING)

Well, I am thrilled to bring to
the stage our keynote speaker.

The "New York Times" best-selling author

and the always hilarious
Carrie Bradshaw.

- I'm not hilarious.
- (APPLAUSE)

Go get 'em! Yeah, you got this.

Hello.

Jeez, I-I wouldn't have
come all this way in the snow

if I'd known the Widow
Wand was on backorder.

- (PERSON COUGHS, SNIFFLES)
- (SILENCE)

Oh.

Well, okay, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna read from my
book, "Loved & Lost."

First, Lisa, thank you for joining
us during this Snowpocalypse.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Well, like my father, a
playwright, always says:

even if there's only one
person, you do a show.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Okay, let's talk about your film,

"The First But Not The Last."

The three Black women you follow...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... are absolute powerhouses.

I mean, what, what made
you decide to choose them

given so many "firsts" in our history?

Well, thank you, Jennifer.

I decided to start with women who

broke down barriers in
business, education, and law.

Women who were doing so

when the world was telling them,

"No, you can't. No, you shouldn't.

No, you won't."

I-I have a daughter
and I want her to know,

I want all of our young people to know,

about the many unsung
"sheroes" who built America.

The research behind this film,

it, it must have taken you years.

Uh, eight... years, actually.

Um... and I'm married
with three children,

so it's a miracle
that it didn't take .

- (LAUGHTER)
- Okay.

LISA: But...

♪ ♪

But...

it was important for
me to make this film

because so many Black women

- still hear "no" every day.
- Mm.

And it is my hope that
this movie might offer

a little encouragement
to them to keep going

if they aren't as lucky as those
of us who get that support at home.

♪ ♪

(APPLAUSE)

- (CHARLOTTE GASPS)
- Mom, thank you so much.

Yes. Okay, I got you the assorted pack.

There is classic, thin, ribbed.

I would avoid using the warming one

- 'cause you get a rash really easily down there, rem...
- Uh, it's cold

- and the snow is blowing in.
- Okay.

- Thank you!
- Okay.

(DOOR CLOSES)

♪ ♪

(WIND HOWLING)

♪ ♪

"I thought that over time,
my grief would shrink.

That it wouldn't fill every inch
of me like it had for so long.

My sadness never shrank, but I grew...

and grew...

until I was so large,

the grief just felt smaller.

And then I realized... it was time.

You don't move on
because you're ready to.

You move on... because you've
outgrown who you used to be."

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Woo!

(CARRIE CHUCKLES)

♪ ♪

(EMOTIONAL) Ugh.

Hey, Carrie. Maddie Thomas.

- Of course.
- That was great.

- Thank you.
- And I wanted to say,

ugh, thank you for your book.

I...

I loved it.

(EXHALES) I think I really...

just needed a good cry, ya know?

- I do.
- Of course, ya do.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- I do, thank you.

Come on. Let's sell a book or two.

Make sure to get in line
for that ladies' room

'cause you know it's
gonna be long, right?

- (LAUGHTER)
- I mean, look, it's all ladies here.

Seriously, Carrie, man, you rocked that.

- Oh, thank you for being here.
- No, no, thank you.

- For what?
- Some perspective.

I mean, you all had the
actual love of your lives die,

and here you are, up for a
laugh, like, moving on, you know?

I just had my ego die.

Yeah, and no matter how fragile I feel,

I-I need to move my sh*t on, too.

- Good.
- Mm.

- Good.
- (CHE CHUCKLES)

All right, I gotta go sell some books.

All right, I gotta ski home.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- BOTH: Bye.

- I'll talk to you later.
- (GREETING EACH OTHER)

(DOOR OPENS)

(STOMPING FEET)

MIRANDA: Hey.

Uh, hey. (SNIFFLES)
What are you doin' here?

Oh, just finishing laundry.

- Where's Brady?
- At Scout.

I decided to give him
a couple of shifts.

Oh... he's working at the bar now?

Yep, he's workin' at the bar.

Got a problem with that?

No, not at all. Just new information.

Listen, I, um, I-I... I
wanted to talk to you anyway.

How's the apartment search going?

It's not.

There is nothin' out there.

I'm not moving.

What do you mean
you're-you're not moving?

You said in therapy that
you would find a place.

Yeah... I lied.

So, what now?

Because I can... I can't
keep living like this.

Coming here, doing laundry,

dropping off Brady's medication,

cleaning the rotting Whole Foods
leftovers out of the fridge.

- You said you would find a place, so I have been...
- This is my house.

- My house.
- Really?

You should tell that to the
mortgage that has only my name on it.

I made it! This kitchen... I built it!

It was a sh*thole
before I did everything.

I did everything here!

This floor, the fireplace,
the f*ckin' bookshelf!

You...

All of it is my house!

My house.

You never wanted to
come here to Brooklyn.

Ya never wanted me...

and you, ya never even wanted Brady!

So, why don't you go find a new place

and get the f*ck out of our lives!

(MIRANDA CRIES)

- I'm sorry.
- (CRYING)

I'm sorry, Miranda.
Please, hey, hey, hey!

- You can't, you can't leave like this.
- Oh, my God!

All right? I did not mean
what I said about Brady!

It's just, you caught
me off guard, okay?

- Listen, this isn't us.
- I can't.

This is not who we are, okay?!

It is not who we are, okay?!

So, please, you can't get on a subway,

ya know, all cryin' and everything.

So, you know, just stay here with me.

All right? Till we calm down.

Please! Please! (HEAVY BREATHING)

(CRYING)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

I hate that I hurt you so much.

I know.

I wish there was something I could do

that could help us move past...

What's this?

What is this, Steve?

It's not what it looks like.

It looks like you've been
f*cking someone in our bed.

- Is it not that?
- No.

I mean, maybe.

Let me guess...

the Whole Foods girl.

Of course, you would never buy organic

unless you were trying
to impress someone.

I don't believe this.

I-I don't believe that you have
been moping around here for months,

playing the victim, letting
me do all the laundry,

and all the dishes and all that

while you were already
f*cking somebody else.

Who said I was a victim?
That's in your head.

You moved on. I moved on.

- I ain't a f*ckin' victim.
- Great.

My bad. You are not a victim.

Which, which is so good

because I was so worried
about you not moving on,

and guess what? You already have.

So...

I am happy for you...

happy for us.

I really am.

Okay. Well, uh, you enjoy

your locally sourced organic sex,

and, uh... I'll start
writing up the divorce papers.

And... don't worry about me.

I will not be crying
on the subway tonight.

(SIGHS)

Hi.

- Hey.
- (STOMPING FEET)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Man, (EXHALES)

I don't know how Steve and
I got from loving each other

to this sh*t show,

but (SIGHS) we should
definitely have split up earlier

when we still had a
chance to be friends.

(EXHALES) God.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Well...

that's, um...

(DEEP BREATH) that's kinda what
I've been thinking about you and me.

I mean, from where we are now...

this probably isn't gonna get better.

Yeah.

It's not.

(MIRANDA BREATHES DEEPLY)

(DISTANT SIREN WAILS)

Two back-to-back breakups.

I'm killin' it over here.

("THIS YEAR" BY EMILY KING PLAYING)

♪ Spent the year tryin'
to get you to love me ♪

♪ Put your needs high up above me ♪

CARRIE: And just like that,

I realized some relationships
are meant to stay in the past.

♪ Spent the summer tryin'
to get you to care ♪

♪ Bought new jeans and grew my hair ♪

CARRIE: And some aren't.

♪ But when I needed you,
you could never be found ♪

♪ So, this year's gonna be about me ♪

♪ Never will I have
another reason to doubt me ♪

♪ This year... this year ♪

♪ This year's gonna be about me ♪

♪ Never will I have
another reason to doubt me ♪

♪ This year... this year ♪

♪ Spent the year tryin'
to get your attention ♪

♪ All my miles just
to make a connection ♪

♪ Runnin' around just to get to you ♪

♪ When I showed up, you
had somethin' to do ♪

♪ Met your mama and all your friends ♪

♪ Didn't know it was all pretend ♪

♪ Lifted you up, you
were bringin' me down ♪

♪ But this year's gonna
turn 'em tables around ♪

♪ So, this year's gonna be about me ♪

♪ Never will I have
another reason to doubt me ♪

♪ This year... this year ♪

♪ This year's gonna be about me ♪

♪ Never will I have
another reason to doubt me ♪

♪ This year... this year, oh ♪

♪ This year, this year ♪

♪ This year, this year ♪