01x07 - Christmas Special

[bunniefuu]

INSTRUMENTAL:
We Wish You A Merry Christmas

How are you? You look nice.
Happy Christmas, love.

You look gorgeous
in your Christmas jumper.

Gwaaar! Go on to f*ck!

I love your Christmas hat,
it's gorgeous.

CLAMOURING

No, no!

CLAMOURING

Where's your proof of purchase,
you f*cking prick?!

Watch his f*cking back, will you?

Happy f*cking Christmas.

# Repeat, repeat, repeat
Repeat the sound of joy

# Repeat, repeat, repeat
Repeat the sound of joy

# Repeat, repeat
# Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat

# The sound in joy. #

That was a load of bollocks!

Christmas is a time for giving,
but when you've got f*ck all,

it's also a time for taking.

Take it easy, you're getting pine
needles all over the new carpet!

Would you stop going on about
their new carpet?

But it's cream.

I'm taking off these plastic bags.

Not until we're outside.

HE GRUNTS

TREE PLAYS CHRISTMAS CAROL

You had one job.

It's the perfect time for me
and Jock to be doing house calls,

because there's a film being sh*t
in the city and the whole of Cork

is off trying to get selfies with
your man Robert Sheehan.

I'm going through a crowd of fans
at the moment.

Yeah, they're really annoying.

SCREAMING

OK, I'm only going to do this once.
You ready?

CHEERING

SCREAMING

SHE SOBS

Do you think you were the right
actor to play this character,

seeing as you are not gay?

Oh, well, I am gay.

I'm gay for women,
I think about women

in the same gay way
that gay men think about... gays.

And you'll never guess
who's been hired for security.

Stand back! Billy Murphy.

The film producers figured
if he was working on set,

at least he wouldn't be breaking in.

I will f*cking punch you. Get back!

All in all, it doesn't seem
very Christmassy this year.

Might be something to do with
our housing estate

being more like Armageddon.

It's been non-stop with protesters,

and half of them are only there
to get on the telly.

It's been 30 days since
the residents of what's been dubbed

the Real Capital of Cork -
or Real COC for short -

barricaded themselves
in their council estate,

creating their very own hard border.

The guards are struggling
to keep control.

Only residents and food deliveries
are allowed past the barricades.

Who ordered Szechuan
duck and chicken balls?

That's me, that's me!

I paid by card.

Building repairs, me f*cking hole!

The authorities offered the same
upgrade to the housing estate over,

but once they got everyone out,

they demolished the lot of it.

That's not going to happen to us.
These houses are perfectly fine.

KNOCK ON WINDOW

Mam, the weird smell's there again!

Is the canary still alive? Yeah.

Then stop worrying about it.
Jesus.

Just cos some langer
in City Hall thinks our houses

Aren't good enough
for his safety standards.

CROWD AGREES

Like, what would them firemen
be doing if they weren't

putting out our fires anyway?
Ever think about that?

CROWD AGREES

SHE COUGHS

You OK? I'm f*cking fine.

SHE COUGHS

EXCLAMATIONS OF DISGUST

Do you have a hanky, no?

Mam has a hard-on for
everything Christmassy,

but she's always been too broke
to get a real Christmas tree.

It's lovely.

# ..happy new year. #

What the f*ck?

# We wish you a merry Christmas... #

Why three Christmas trees?

They say you can't get oil
past the barricade.

We're going to line them up
like the Christmas tree...

Christmas trees.

Ah! f*cking hell!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

You can't do that.

Burning Christmas trees
is like burning Christmas.

Did you get to the doctor?

What's he going to tell me
that I don't already know?

Stuff about medicine.

f*ck that.

FLINT STRIKES REPEATEDLY

f*cking thing. Give me that f*g.

Are you sure you should be smoking?

It'll help bring up the phlegm.
That's true, actually.

Sure, when you walk around,

you always see people smoking
and coughing.

SHE COUGHS

SHE COUGHS

Mam!

Are you OK, Mam? Mam!

Everybody, get out the f*cking way!
NOW!

CLAMOUR

Only one of you can travel with her
now, lads.

I never understood what
an ambulance chaser was until now.

SIREN

SHE COUGHS

It says here she's doing phenomenal.

It says "pneumonia".

SHE COUGHS
Is she going to be OK?

It's not looking good.

The pneumonia has done
severe damage to her lungs,

and the smoking hasn't helped.

We can't just stand round here
and watch my mam getting more sick.

The most important thing
is to help lift her spirits.

Being in hospital over Christmas
is going to be really tough.

I'll pick us up
something to eat, yeah?

Happy meal?

SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC:
We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Mam, you need something
to lift your spirits.

What would you like?

Yeah, we...

..we'll get you whatever you want.

SHE MUMBLES

Sorry, I didn't quite get that one.

I've never seen a white Christmas.

Hey.

Are you sure there's nothing else
that might lift your spirits?

Like... A bike.

Aye.

We could get you a bike. Yeah.

Just whisper the make and model.

No.

Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas!

I f*cking hate Christmas.

Who's all that crap for, anyway?

Conor and Jock.
I bought presents for them?

We'll need to drop it off to their
house on the way home. Not a hope.

Their estate's like a w*r zone.

OK, we'll walk.

Enda, did you bring your r*pe alarm?
Yep.

Fine.

Don't worry about it.

I'll do everything I'm told,
because it's not about me,

it's about my money for Christmas
on people I don't even like.

That's what this is about.

I'll get you close. You can
f*ck the presents over the wall!

Barry, stop being a prick.

What?

You can't even get in.

I know a way.

You're going to break
the f*cking thing, Barry.

When you've got one dead parent,
and another nearly dead parent

in the hospital, the last thing
you need is optimism.

There's actually lots of
successful orphans in the world.

Like Batman.

I'm not an orphan.

Well, what are you
getting angry at me for?

I'm just trying to comfort you.

Superman. Stop it.

Harry Potter. Quit it.

God.

He's the ultimate orphan.

And very successful.

Hey! We could try praying
to Him first, no?

The Lord God
works in mysterious ways.

Lads, get a load of
this f*cking prick.

ON IPAD: Why did you choose
to film in Cork city?

Well, we needed a lot of
weird-looking background people,

and Cork has a lot to offer
in this area.

Could you point that thing
in a different direction, please?

Here. We'll give you
the phone unlocking code

after you tow the snow machine
to the hospital.

And how are you going to
get it out of there?

That church is like Fort Knox
since they started filming there.

We know this place better than
we know our own dicks.

We break in to drink the altar wine.

And this time, we know
a guy on the inside.

Explain it to me again.

It's a coin-toss competition.

Best of five.

If we win, you let us in
and turn a blind eye.

What do I get if I win?

The knowledge that you won.

What more could you want
than the winning feeling

of a coin-toss competition?

You'd be king of the tossers.

Are you f*cking serious?

King of the f*cking tossers.

f*ck off.

You can punch us.

What the f*ck?

Do you want to help your mam or not?

Well, obviously, but I bruise
like a f*cking peach. Yeah,

but you know the only thing he gets
a kick out of is inflicting pain.

f*ck's sake.

For every coin toss that you win,

you get to punch one of us.

Both of you.

That's the deal. Fine.

Has anyone got a coin?

I've a chocolate one.

Do you mind if it's British?

Heads.

Thank f*ck!

My go.

HE LAUGHS

Tails.

HE LAUGHS

Arm. Leg.

It's vitally important now
that you don't move,

because I don't want to
hit you in the face.

OK?

Ooh! Ow!

That kind of stung.

Ooh!

All right?

I once tried to give up gambling,
but I found it really difficult,

because even when
you're not gambling... Argh!

..you're still KIND of gambling,

doing things that
don't feel like gambling.

Do you know what I mean?
Not really.

Like, I once battered this fella,

so I got sent away for a couple
of months to Cork Prison.

But had I not stabbed him,

I could be a f*cking dentist now
or something.

I won again!
HE LAUGHS

It's my lucky day.

Oh!

Stomachs.

BOTH: Ooh!

THEY COUGH

HE LAUGHS

Whoo!

If I get this now, this is going to
be three out of three.

Just flip the f*cking thing, yeah?

All right. Relax.

Jesus!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

I win.

f*ck!

We need two people to replace those
actors who got pissed over lunch.

Have any of you extras
got acting experience?

Just get me two of
the weirdest-looking fellas here.

Will they do? They're perfect.

EXTRAS GROAN

Right, you two, come with me.

BACKGROUND CHATTER

What the f*ck? f*ck you!

f*ck!

GENERAL MOANING

Get the f*ck out...!

The IFTAs will be BEGGING me
to take an award after this.

Begging me on their hands and knees.

Excuse me, Mr Sheehan.

Don't talk to me.

I think he's acting.
HE INHALES

Are you acting? Shush, please.

Thank you.

Five minutes, everyone.

I took two sources of inspiration
for this scene.

The original movie, Alien -
"Argh, argh!" -

and this old Maltese lady
who was having an asthma att*ck.

And she was making
the most fascinating sounds.

Strange, like...
HE GASPS

That's where it comes...
That's where the noise...

Wow. Yes, indeed it does.

Ah, you can hear the Maltese
in that.

Yeah - thank you.

So good. Yeah, so good. Maltese.

You can hear it, like, yeah,
it's Maltese. Yeah, yeah.

That's more just
someone doing a lisp.

Yeah.

Any tips?

Tips?

Acting tips. It's our first time.

What do you mean,
it's your first time?

OK, let's start it up, please!

Ah, ah, ah! Listen, whatever you do,
do not look into the camera.

OK? Great. You'll be great.
You'll be great. OK, great.

All set. 342, take one.

Argh!

And track.

HE GASPS

Action.

Argh!
g*nsh*t AND GASPING

I fear this fight may be at its end.

Those soldiers may slash my flesh,

but God is my only judge.

HE GASPS

Promise me one thing.

You have our word.

You're looking straight
into the camera.

Can we reset, please?

What did I just say?

Don't look at the camera.

And what did you do?

I looked at the camera.

Yeah.

Sorry, Mr Sheehan.

Those soldiers
may slash my flesh but God -

God is my only judge.

You've missed your mark.
You have our word.

You've missed your mark.

Your mark is here.

It's really, really simple.

Don't look at the camera,
stay on your mark,

concentrate, yeah?

I really want to get it
on this next one, lads, OK.

Go for it, boy. I've got a good
feeling about this one, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

You have our word.

He's reading his lines
off his f*cking hand.

Promise me one thing.

HE BELCHES

Cut.

Those soldiers may have
slashed my flesh, but...

Cut to f*ck!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh...

God is my only judge!

HE GASPS

CONOR STIFLES A LAUGH

God is my only judge!

HE GASPS

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Sorry, boy, sorry, boy. We've got
this, we've got this. Right.

Use a prop - use it.

God is my only judge.

HE GASPS

LAUGHTER

STIFLED LAUGHTER

I'm never going to get this out.

HE GROANS

CONOR AND JOCK LAUGH

Can we please just get a bit
of professionalism around here?

Aww...!

Take 57.

I heard Robert Pacino say once
that great performances

come out of pain and suffering.

I'd like to think we had something
to do with helping Mr Sheehan

get to that place.

Promise me one thing.

You have our word.

Find my mother.

Tell her...

Tell her how deeply sorry I am

for leaving her in her time of need.

HE GROANS

And cut.

Ohhh! Thank f*ck for that!

Get out of my way, you two amateurs.

Argh!

Hey, hey. We're coming.
We're coming.

Just back it up to the gate.

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

All right, Billy.

Heads or tails?

Heads.

HE GROANS

f*ck this!

Over here.

I'm sorry about this, lads,
but I take my job very seriously.

THEY GROAN

THEY COUGH

What would you be doing
with a snow machine, anyway?

You can't sell snow.

It melts.

It's just my mam's not well.

And the doctor's saying
she might not make it.

You see, she's always wanted
to see a white Christmas.

We were just trying
to do something for her.

You know what?

I was really sick
in hospital once.

The only thing I wanted
was for someone to sit with me

so I wouldn't be alone.

But no-one came.

Who's sitting with your mum
right now?

No-one.

Lads, get the f*ck out of here

before I kick the living sh*t
out of you again.

Thanks, Billy. Thanks, Billy.

And tell your mam
I was asking for her.

Yeah.

We tried our best, Mam, but...

What an awful Christmas!

Don't worry about it.

The traffic is very bad.

Yeah.

I'll see you when I see you,
all right?

Merry Christmas, son.

Merry Christmas, boy.

I think for every time one of us
has a nice Christmas,

someone else out there
is having a sh*t one.

Hiya. Hello.

Hey, just thought
we'd come over and say hi.

I'm Conor, this is Jack.
Conor.

Hello, Jack. I'm Francie.
Thanks for calling over.

Pleased to meet you, boy.
I like your eyebrows, kid.

Oh, yeah? Have you got a razor?
I could do yours for you.

Go away. You're joking me.

THEY LAUGH

Do you want...? What would I be like
with one of them?

KNOCK AT DOOR

A hospital is the one place

where a stranger will never
tell you to f*ck off.

Ssh, ssh!

Good morning, doctor.
SHE LAUGHS

They'll all be happy to see you.

THEY LAUGH

You can even go up and hug
someone you never met before

and they'll be grateful for it.

HE SOBS

Bang. Boom.

An old handshake or even
a pat on the back in person

will mean more than getting
some shitty gift in the post.

Stay still. Am I plucked?

THEY CHEER

And doing something that might only
take a minute out of your day

could last a lifetime
in the memory of someone else.

ALL: Santa is a fanny!

Get away from me.
You need to get back into bed.

Get off me. Mairead, listen.

Whoa! Whoa!

Get back.

I'll f*cking do it.

Oh! Aww, Jesus!

Sorry. What's going on?
I want to go home.

She needs full-time
medical supervision.

Argh!

Everyone.

Let's be civilised.

Look, you might know about sickness,
you might know about medicine -

but I know my mam, and she wants
to be home for Christmas,

and that's where she needs to be.

I don't even know who owns this.

HUBBUB

Right, come on, then.

What's she doing out of hospital?

Nice to f*cking see you, too.
Come on.

Can we get some help here, please,
lads? Sick mammy coming through!

Mothers spend their whole lives
looking after other people,

so when one of them gets sick,
everyone knows it's time

to put their differences aside.

Could you stop here
for a second, please?

One second.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Driver, can you get us to
the other side of that barricade?

Not a bother, boy.

Are you still there?

Yeah. I think I just figured out
our publicity campaign.

Driver, chop-chop.

It's been two hours.

We're never getting out of
this w*r zone of a housing estate.

I told you not to come this way.

Concentrate. Stop.
Brake, brake, brake!

Oh, that's great. He'll gallop off
now and tell everyone we're here.

In our neighbourhood,
the riot police usually only turn up

at good birthday parties.

SHOUTING

'Reinforcements are being
sent in to help the Gardai

'dismantle the barricades.'

Everyone, let's do this peacefully.

We're all people of Cork here.

You can take our land,

but you'll never take our FREEDOM!

Come on!

Aw - for f*ck's sake!

'The actor Robert Sheehan

'has come to show his support for
the Real Capital of Cork,

'and it appears he has watched
Braveheart one too many times.'

CHEERING

Long live the Real f*cking Capital
of Cork!

I'm not f*cking going anywhere.
This is my f*cking home.

f*ck off, you f*cking liar.
Get your f*cking hands off me!

f*cking hell!
Get your f*cking hands off me!

Get your f*cking hands
off my sister. She's dyslexic!

Right, which house is theirs?
And let's get the f*ck out of here!

It's that one there.

Jesus Christ!

Right, whoever did that,
you own up straightway

or I'm calling the Gardai.

Mentioning the Gardai
is one idiotic thing to do

with this sh*t going on
around the corner.

HUBBUB

OK. Which one of you was it?

Get back in the f*cking car.

Get back in the f*cking car, Bobby.

There's only one tree left.

How about we burn
the kitchen chairs instead?

MAIREAD COUGHS

COUGHING CONTINUES

Keep calm.

I am friends with a guard.

Dad, don't f*cking say that!

SCREAMING

SHOUTING

Oh, f*cking hell!

SHOUTING

Ah, no, no! No, no, no!

f*ck! Dad, do something!

He's not rain, Barry!

COUGHING

GASPING

She's having a seizure.

Quick, just get something
for her mouth. To eat?

No, like a wooden spoon
or something.

That won't help - you just need to
wait for it to pass.

It's OK, it's OK, it's OK.

SHOUTING

Go home, everybody, go home.

This is our home.

You, you f*cking prick!

SHOUTING

GASPING
Mam, can you hear me? Come on!

Mam.

Mam, come on, f*ck that,
come on, please.

SHOUTING
Everybody go home!

This is our home!

Mam? Wake up, Mam. Come on, please!

SHOUTING

Calm down!
We're going to be all right.

Mam, wake the f*ck up, will you?

I think you only realise
how important hope is

when it's taken away.

HUBBUB

Without hope, a community can be
torn to sh*t.

But if you gives someone hope...

..even just the tiniest bit...

GASPS

COUGHS AND RETCHES

I'm just doing my job!

Stop it! Stop it!

Mam. What you looking at?

HUBBUB

CROWD QUIETENS

COUGHS

Give her some space,
give her some space. You're OK.

Get away. It's OK, it's OK.

I'll give you space.

Girls, get back inside!

Orla!

It's snowing!

TINKLING MUSIC PLAYS

INSTRUMENTAL:
We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Happy Christmas, everyone.

Happy Christmas to you, too, Mister.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Maybe Christmas
IS a time for giving.

Even when you've got f*ck all.

Bah, humbug.