02x02 - Series 2, Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Today is myself
and Jock's anniversary.

We been best friends for five years.

And during that time, neither of us
has been unfaithful.

Here, boy, do you remember when you
asked me to be your best friend?

Of course,
it was about five years ago.

On this very bench.
You were like...

"Do you know...
Do you want to like...

"..be my best friend?
"Only if you want to, like.

"It's no big deal, like"

f*ck you, boy, you didn't exactly
make it easy for me.

It took you so long to answer one
simple f*cking question.

What's that about?

It's a big commitment, like.

Seriously, I've got something
else to say.

What?

Sorry, do the two of you fellas mind
putting suncream on our backs?

Do you mind?

We're having a f*cking
conversation here.

Jesus Christ.

You were saying.
Just close your eyes.

Put out your hand.

Don't put your balls in my hand.

I'm not going to put my balls
in your hand, I did that once.

That's not bad.

sh*t, man,
I didn't get you anything.

No, it's not an anniversary thing,
I don't want nothing in exchange.

Just don't lose it now, OK,
there's something special about it,

it can't be replaced.
Why?

You have to find out yourself.

Let's take a photo to mark
the occasion. Yeah, boy.

Up, down.

You got fuego, that's what they
call it in Spain - fuego, fire.

Up, down, fuego.

You shut it like that.

There's nothing
worse on your anniversary

than bumping in to your
best friend's ex best friend.

Gavin f*cking Madigan.

Jock.

Gavin f*cking Madigan.

What are you doing
in our school, boy?

My school as well,
my mam's the new teacher,

we just moved back from Kilkenny.
Are you serious? Yeah.

This is the best news
I've heard all year.

Gav, this is Con, Con this is Gavin.
Nice to meet you, Gavin.

Nice to meet you, Tom.

It's Con, like Conor.
Chill out, boy.

We were best friends
in primary school.

You WERE best friends?

Me and Jock are best friends now,
so...

What?
We have that in common, like.

Did you say something?

Look, I brought a photo
we took before.

Thought you might get
a craic out of it.

My God, the size of us, boy.

Tom, do us a favour, read the back
of that, will you? Con...

"Best friends forever."

"Signed..."

Look, that's your signature
there and that's mine.

You kept this that whole time!
Obviously.

Remember, we took it up in Bell's
Field, on Jock and Gavin's bench.

It's Jock and Con's bench now.

You know?

All right, how you getting on?

And how are these two beautiful,
intelligent looking women?

Ouch! Squeeze me so hard!

Siobhan, Linda,
this is my pal Gavin.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

Skegs.

Principal Walsh is like a dog
with a boner lately

when it comes to
theft on the school grounds.

From now on, anyone caught stealing

so much as a paperclip will be
expelled without question.

It all started last month when the

foreign exchange students were over.

They came for a week

and all they left with were
the clothes on their back.

Did you give Conor the present?

Con, give us a light
there, will you?

No bother at all.

Wait...

Give us a look, Tom.

It's Con...

Ah, sweet.

Did you see that?

All right.

Gav, did you give me
back my lighter?

What? I gave it back to you.

Quit the sh*t, all right,
give me back my lighter.

What's going on?

I gave him his lighter outside,

he's obviously just freaking
because he lost it.

What the f*ck, Con.

I didn't lose it,
he's after stealing it.

Jesus Christ, Conor,
would you watch your mouth?

You know better than to use
that word in here.

Who's stealing what? Jesus.

Eh...

No-one's stealing nothing.
I heard you say steal.

Nah. Nah.

Didn't say that.

Steel, that's what you...

Yeah. Steal.

Yeah, sorry, I was saying
Gav's... Gav's...

Gav's biceps are like steel.

Here, Tom, feel my steel.

Yeah?

Oh, f*ck, that's quite the...

...quite the form you got there.

Stronger than steel, it's like The
Rock, The Rock, Dwayne "The Rock"...

'Do know what, maybe me

'worrying about Gavin trying to
take my place is all in my head.'

May the best man win.

Wait, what did you say?
What?

You just said something to me.

Who?
You did.

No, no, I didn't.

No, I was right. He's a prick.

Get out of the way.

Get up, that's my table.

Did you build it?

No, but my name's carved
into the desk right there.

Con.

What are you doing, boy?

It's his first day, just let him
set there for the class.

Fine, but he stole my lighter,
and he's a f*cking prick.

I can hear you. Yeah, good, shut up.

Will you stop with this
jealousy stuff, boy?

You got nothing to worry about,
just relax.

Sorry.

"Thanks, Linda,
thanks for saving me a seat,"

"you're such a wonderful
girlfriend."

No?

Yeah, so.

Mam and Sgt Healy have been fighting
like an old married couple lately.

So she suggested they give
each other a little bit of space.

Do you mind?

No, no, course not.

f*cking weirdos.

What the f*ck, Tony.

What the f*ck, yourself.

If I'm working, I'm working.

Can't be stopping to whisper
sweet nothings to you

just because you're feeling
a bit needy.

When you're on duty, I expect you to
treat me the very same.

All right?

f*ck's sake.

It's great to be
back at this school teaching

where I was a pupil not so long ago.

I probably know
most of your parents.

It's a pity most of them aren't
doing very well for themselves.

But don't let that
discourage any of you.

I moved my son Gavin with me
to the school

so I mustn't think the place
is all that bad.

Gavin, stand up.

Introduce yourself.

Eh...

My name is Gavin.
Speak up.

I said...

My name is Gavin Madigan.

Fucksake, Mam.
Watch your language.

I was sitting there.

Get up.
Sit somewhere else, Gavin.

Just seeing how you're settling in,
Miss Madigan.

Great, Principal Walsh.

I just wanted to have a word with
you about the staff female toilets

and the used condom on the floor...
Let's discuss this outside.

Right. Everyone, open your textbooks
on page one and start reading.

Quietly.

Thank God she's gone.

Get up.

Make me.

Get your damn ball off
me f*cking shoulder.

I will, when you get
up off my f*cking chair.

That's it, I claim you.

Fight,
fight, fight, fight.

Fight, fight, fight, fight.

Shh!

What? I can't whisper. So don't say
anything, so, you bollock.

Fight, fight, fight, fight.

Name the time
and the place.

After school by the bonfire spot
outside the housing estate.

Right. Right. OK. OK.
Let's do this.

Let's do it then.
Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right.

Hold me back.

You're f*ckin' lucky.

You're lucky he's holding you.

Knocknaheeney rules.

So what are they?
There's only one rule.

Someone dies,
no-one says who did it.

Listen, lads, a lot of good
friendships start with people

punching the heads off each other,
like Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed.

So this might be a good thing.
I'll leave you to it.

I just don't want to see me buddies
k*ll each other, yeah.

Good luck, boys.

Come on now, boys.

f*cking hit him.

That's it, Conor, you've got this.

Hit him.

You look like a f*cking ballerina.

Ballerinas are pure muscles.

Hit him in the knob.

Hit him!

Tom wears granny knickers.

The name's Con.

They're not me granny knickers,
they're me mam's.

I'm just borrowing them for a day.

Does your mam not wear sexy
knickers like normal people?

I'll have you know my mam
wears very sexy knickers.

These are just her day off knickers
for watching TV.

She wears her sexy
knickers at work, like.

What does she work as, a hooker?

That's it, Madigan.
You're toast.

Time to go. Come on.

He's getting tired.
He's passing out.

He's going down.
Nearly there.

Come on, boy.

Do you want me to wait for you?

No, it's grand,
I'm going to finish him now.

No, I'm going to finish you.

Just give up, boy.
Say mercy.

You say mercy.
You say mercy.

We're all alone.
Everyone's gone, boy. Yeah.

How about I just count to three
and on three, we just let go? Right?

One, two, three.

Say mercy! No! Say mercy. No!

I shall never give up!
I will never...

Say mercy! I will never say mercy!
Argh! Mercy! Mercy!

What are you doing
getting into fights anyway?

You can't let f*cking
idiots like that get to you.

A huge part about growing up is about
sometimes being the bigger person.

Aye, I know. You're right.

Just this guy's such a dickhead.

What did he say that got you
so wound up?

f*cking lots of things, like...

He called you a...called you
a whore.

What was that? I said he called you
a whore.

Or was it a hooker?

But, no, you're right.
I won't let it get to me.

I'll be the bigger man from now on.
WATER GURGLES

Don't do anything mental now,
all right? His mam's a teacher.

I don't want this making things
worse for me in school.

Don't worry, I won't. I'll just have
a quick word with her.

No doubt she's a civilised person.

And I'll leave her to deal with her
son in whatever way she sees fit.

Mairead McSweeney!
It's been far too long.

Nancy Madigan.
What a pleasant surprise.

How'd you know her? We're old school
buddies, isn't that right?

So we're all friends. Fancy that.
Fancy that.

Nancy couldn't make
any of her own friends,

on account of having a rotten
personality.

So she stole my friend instead.

Her name was Francesca, and I do
believe she was my friend first.

No, she wasn't, silly.
She was my friend first.

You see, Gavin, Mairead only thought
Francesca was her friend first

but Francesca told me she didn't
like Mairead all that much.

So even though she knew her first,
they weren't friends first.

The devil's in the detail, let bygones be bygones,
blah, blah, blah. She was my friend first.

Now, what's this you're coming
to my house all about?

It turns out your son Gavin has been
saying nasty things about me to Conor.

Yeah. Gavin, is that true?
Oh, yeah. I called her a whore.

Is there anything else you wanted?

I want an apology. Now.

Well, you're not going to get
one from me or my son.

So why don't you take that little
scumbag son of yours

and go back to that tip of a house
you live in and get off my property?

f*ck!

You're after breaking my nose! Come
back here and I'll fix it for you.

What's going on? She's after breaking
my nose with her big smelly fish hands!

Fish don't have hands,
so that makes no sense.

Stop brushing me tits with your
broom!

You wish! I'm not brushing, I'm
pushing.

Pushing me tits with your broom!

Argh! Nancy!

Argh! Get off, you psycho bitch!

Stop banging my mum with your broomstick
or I'll shove it up your bumhole.

I'd like to see you try,
you small little f*ck!

Get your fingers out of me nostrils!

Argh!

Get off my f*cking wife!
Nobody touches my f*cking wife!

That's my f*cking arm, you toad!

So, who'd like to explain to me
what happened?

I called for a conversation.
A conversation!

I swear...

They started it. We didnar f*ck!
They started it!

And she's a c**t,
the husband has pubes for hair

and their son is a prick.

I'm sick of this. Sort this out,
will you, Tony?

I want to go home and put the dinner
on. Come on. Just one second, there.

Something I don't quite get.

If they started it, yeah,
how come you're outside their house?

What are you doing? I'm on duty.

So who hit who first? She poked me.
OK, but who hit who first?

Name?

Say Stephanie.

Lying dickhead snakes always
reveal themselves

when you play truth or dare.

Gavin. They never choose truth.

I choose dare, obviously. See?

I dare you to steal something from a teacher.
- Ooh!

Don't be a prick, he'll get chucked
out of the school

if he gets caught for that. It's his
own fault. He chose dare himself.

Don't worry about it, Jock.
I got this.

Please get caught.
Please get caught.

Gavin. What you on about? I didn't
do nothing. What? Do me a favour.

Hold on to my handbag
while I use the toilet?

How the women manage to get piss on
the floor in there I'll never know.

Who did you get that off? Me mam.
That's a copout. How is it?

She's a teacher, I robbed
something from her. Job done.

To be fair, she's teacher, like.

It's true. Now it's my turn.

Hm. Who will I pick?

Linda. What?

Truth or dare? Erm... Pick truth.
Always pick truth.

Dare. What are you doing?

I don't mind doing a stupid dare but I'm not
revealing my darkest secrets to half the school.

I dare you...

...to kiss me for five seconds.

Ooh! You can't do that! Why?

A dare's a dare, boy.
She has to do it anyway. Chill out.

You can't do it, Lis. I don't have a
choice. A dare's a dare.

It's just a kiss, it'll be over
in a second. Five f*cking seconds.

One hippopotamus,
two hippopotamus...

- ...three hippopotamus...
- Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

One, two...

...three, four, five.

♪ I never thought
that I could be so bold

♪ To even say these thoughts
aloud... ♪

Conor! Conor!

Can we not just talk about this,
please?

I have said everything
I need to say.

I can put up with your preachiness,
your neediness,

the fact that you're a fumbling
idiot in bed...

...but the one thing I can't put up
with is you not being on my side.

Even when you're
clearly in the wrong?

Especially when I'm in the wrong!

That's when I need you to back me
up the most!

It's over.

Conor. Conor!

He used tongue, not me.

Your tongue touched his tongue,
therefore you both used tongue.

His saliva's all over your lips,
Linda,

and your chin and your cheeks.

It's his, not mine!

There once was a guy who would do
anything for you...

...and now he is gone.

I can fix this. It's over.

My class is this way.

Listen, everyone.
Sponsor me now for my skipathon.

You won't regret it when I'm filling
in the detention supervision roster.

Barry, my purse, it's not here.
Really, Nancy?

Think we've all heard
that one before.

I was certain it was here this
morning.

Someone must have stolen it.

This is an emergency announcement.

The first I've had to make
this year.

Miss Madigan's pink p*ssy
purse has been stolen.

And it is for this reason I regret
to inform you the school

is officially on lockdown
and will remain that way until such

time as Miss Madigan's pink p*ssy
purse has been retrieved...

...and the perpetrator
has been punished.

Right, listen up. This is a raid.

A raid?

Principal Walsh,
we have our culprit.

The best way to sum up this kind
of conspiracy is...

What the f*ck?

Does someone want to tell me
what this bullshit is? Nice.

Trust you to lower
the tone as usual, Mairead.

Do you want me to lower you,
like I did yesterday?

OK, calm down, everyone.

Mairead, your son Conor's given me
no choice but to expel him.

He's been caught red-handed stealing
Miss Madigan's pink p*ssy purse.

No, but that wasn't him.
That was Gavin!

It wasn't even him,
it was Gavin. Gavin did it.

How do you explain the purse
getting into Conor's bag?

She planted it there to cover
up for her dickhead son.

Sounds like something Nancy Madigan
would do, all right. How dare you?

Like mother like son.
Liars, the pair of them.

I am a teacher, Principal Walsh.
And we all know teachers don't lie.

Can't argue with that.

Conor McSweeney, for the crime of stealing Miss
Madigan's pink p*ssy purse, you are expelled.

From this day forward you cannot set
foot on school grounds. What?

f*ck's... Are you seriously just
going to sit there and say nothing?

You're the one who took
the f*cking thing.

You're pathetic, boy.

I did it. Not him. So expel me.

Jock, if you have any cop on you
will sit down and shut the hell up.

Principal Walsh, you can't have one
rule for your son-in-law

and another rule for everyone
else in the school.

He's not my son-in-law
and he didn't do it!

He's just covering
up for his idiot sidekick.

If you expel him you're going
to have to expel me too.

I decide who gets expelled, not you.
What if I expel myself?

You can't expel yourself.
I'm in charge here.

And you couldn't get me
to expel you if you tried.

Do you want to bet?

f*ck you, Principal Walsh.

You big f*cking creep.
"Oh, look. Where's the paedophile?"

"Oh, there he is. You big paedo."

Nice try. You're not expelled.

The thing about myself and Jock that that
dickhead Gavin Madigan would never understand...

Jock! ..Is we stick together no matter
how stupid a decision the other one makes.

Conor! Because that's what
best friends do.

Lads, what are you doing?

What are you two doing in my TV
knickers? Ours were in the wash.

They're not expelled. But you do have
detention every day for the next three years,

writing lines backwards in Irish.

Fine. It's warm in here, isn't it?
Oh, Jesus.

f*ck that! f*cking hell!

Put them back on. Lads.

Yeah! Woo!

Not expelled. Watch.

You're going to watch us naked
dance.

You're going to watch us naked
dance. You know you want to.

It has no effect on me. If you don't
expel us, the police will get you.

Whatever you do, don't look down,
Barry. Have a quick peep, go on.

What's that in the corner? Is it
a plane?

Oh no, it's a helicopter.

Jock, are you there? Mayday, Mayday.
Starting up engines.

OK. We're going to be flying over
Empire State pretty soon.

Here we go, here we go.
I'm taking off. I'm taking off. Oh!

Last chance, Principal Walsh.
You're not the boss of me.

Oh!

Expelled! You're expelled!

You're so, so, so, so expelled!

I have something to say. What?

It was me that took the pink p*ssy
purse. Gavin, shut up!

My mam planted it
when she found out that I took it.

Well, you can't have one
set of rules for pupils

and another for teachers,
Principal Walsh.

Kick her out!
Kick her out!

Does this mean we're not
expelled any more?

We'll... We'll just get our stuff.
Yeah.

I think you're standing on my pants.

Come on. When we get home you're
both f*cking dead. Come on.

Jock and me are pretty proud that we
caused Nancy Madigan to be

the first teacher in the history
of our school to be expelled,

along with her dickhead son.

Gavin gave me this
to give back to you.

What a d*ck. Total d*ck, mate.
I should have listened to you.

You ever going to tell me
what's so special about it?

Pull out the inside, take a look.

Thanks, boy.